i was just taking time to think of how to respond, and i wanted to say thanks for the encouragement, i really value it

its true that i still have some social anxiety and shyness but theyre much less now than say a year ago, and i have less inhibitions about social interaction either due to being rejected or other reasons, though im too busy and am not in the right mental state to seek out new friends; it might sound hypocritical of me, but id rather curate the existing friendships i care about than make new half-assed friendships, because the more friends i have the less time i can dedicate to each one, which i think would make for less meaningful friendships. i never particularly wanted many acquaintances or to be in a large group of friends. friendship is one of those cases where i care about quality more than quantity

it might not seem like it, but im not that clueless about pop culture and stuff, i just prefer to talk about other topics. so i dont think thats a major shortcoming

essentially i would branch out and practice if i had the opportunities to, but i dont, mostly due to limitations imposed by my parents

as sad as it sounds i do crave physical affection at least a little. my parents sometimes stare at me and criticize aspects of my appearance, so im insecure about that, and whenever i see or am near my parents i have this visceral urge to want to physically distance myself from them. and i miss having someone find me attractive i think my parents probably dont love me, but love their unrealistic fantasy of who they want me to be. if you love someone, you wouldnt abuse them. i keep ruminating about this because love is a psychological need that comes before other needs like self-fulfillment. if a person is unloved then theyre less motivated to achieve things.