12-11-2006, 07:03 PM 
I had a 3some with 2 girls almost 2 years ago.

I was messin with this one girl that i'd met at the gym. I go over to her house one day for no particular reason. Just stopping through. At some point, I end up in her room getting a blowjob. Neither of us noticed that she hadn't locked her door (or even closed it all the way). As my luck would have it, the door begins to open. Shocked, the damn girl pulls my dick out of her mouth and goes to zip up my jeans. WITHOUT PUTTING MY DICK BACK IN MY PANTS. It was her kid sister coming in to say that she was thirsty. I sat there in so much pain that I couldn't even speak. I just sat there tapping her shoulder and tugging her hair the whole while she told her sister "close the door. i'll be out in a minute". She turned back around and saw what she had done and damn near started crying. I forgive her and get the hell out of there after I can walk again. She says she'd do anything to make it up to me.

A couple weeks from then, I go to an anime convention in Atlanta with two friends from college. Turns out the convention is ass, so we go to another part of Atlanta to participate in a fighting game tourney being held the next day. This is actually how I met Roninchaos. We practiced for the tourney and crashed at his place. On the drive back from the tourney, Ronin tells us about how he almost had a 3some once and that set off a lightbulb in my head.

Ol girl hadn't called me since I left that day so I called her. Told her that everything was peace and I wasn't pissed at her. She reiterated that she'd do anything to make it up. To make a long story short, a 3some is what she did. She even found the other (FEMALE) willing participant. It was pretty damned good.

The end. 


12-26-2006, 11:34 AM 
Another booze tale.

This past labor day weekend, I was lucky enough to have the day off from work. I had 2 cookouts to attend. One for the immediate fam early in the day, and another with the friends that night. It ended up raining pretty bad early in the day so the first cookout didn't go over so well. There were chairs, coolers, grills, etc. Set up all outside my aunt's house. The street she lives on ends in a circle of houses. I'm sure yall have seen streets like this. Anyway, we basically took up that whole circle and the neighbors just joined in the festivities. 

So after eating and chatting for a while, I get a call from this girl I had just met a few weeks prior. She doesn't have anything going on for the weekend so she was trying to get out of the house. I shoot her a lie and tell her that I have nothing going on but she can come by the house later (with loud music in the background and people talking and everything...this chick isn't too bright). I get off the phone with her and go back to mingling. Since this is a family affair, I hold off on the alcohol. Don't like the idea of getting smashed around them because I don't care for lectures.

Fast forward to the second get-together. This is more like it. Girls and booze are added to the equation along with more food. I can't remember what all I drank, but I didn't stop until I was good and plastered. At one point my phone rings and I step outside to take the call. It's another girl that I've known for a while (we went to the same high school blah blah). She's somewhere at another cookout obviously drunk as hell and wants to come by my place after she leaves to get "pounded" (she calls it that. yeah, she's pretty slutty). I tell her to come on by, but to give me another hour or so because i'm still at my friend's gathering. I go back inside to the festivities where I had met this other girl. No 'sparks' or anything like that as far as I can see. She just seemed nice and I fixed a few of her drinks and we chatted for a minute.

Since this was sunday night, we capped the night off by watching the latest episode of Flavor of Love (I think this was the one with three 6 mafia and g-unit out by the pool or whatever). During the show, I notice the broad I had been chillin with kinda pushing up on me. Wanting to hold my hand and shit. So after the show is over, my drunk ass friend (the host of the party) lectures me about how I shouldn't drive. So this chick that i'd been hanging with takes my keys and puts me in her car.

So she's driving me home and we're shootin the breeze about random shit (I discovered this chick plays half life 2 online and she's pretty good at it). I knew from the moment she offered to drive me home that i'd be hittin that. My phone rings once or twice, but I hang up the calls both times. Before I continue I have to explain how my neighborhood is set up. When you pull in to my sub-division, there are 3 houses on each side of the street you pull into. There's another row of houses dead ahead going along another street. If you look straight ahead, that's my neighbor's house. If you look to the left a little bit, that's mine. So when we pull into the subdivision I glance over at my house and there are 2 cars in my driveway. As we get closer, I can make out the cars.

It's the girl that called during the first cookout and the girl that called during the second one.

I had told her to turn left at the end of the street, but as soon as I saw the cars I yell "RIGHT, RIGHT!". She thinks i'm too drunk to remember where I live and goes ahead and turns right. I shoot her a lie about how I didn't have any rubbers. So we circle the block and leave out to head to Walgreen's to get some. The whole time, I have this picture of the 2 cars in my driveway in my head. I had put my phone on silent after the second call on the way home because I was getting annoyed. When it hit me, I checked it and I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 13 missed calls. It became apparent to me that I had to keep this chick out longer to give these girls time to leave. After we leave Walgreen's I ask her to stop by wal-mart so I could buy a dvd for us to watch. She just wanted dick, but she didn't argue and we went into wal mart for a while. When I get in there, I act like I have a hard time deciding what I want just to stall her out. I end up buying a copy of Silent Hill and a box of fruit by the foot and we're headed back to my house. Fortunately, the other chicks had left so I got this girl in the house and we got down to business. I had her coming like the New World Order while Silent Hill was going in the background. She ended up staying overnight and hauled ass the next morning.

I rarely ever talk to her now. The girl from the first cookout wants nothing to do with me and the one from the second cookout actually threatened my life. Turns out they worked it out amongst themselves and decided to hate my guts together. The 13 missed calls was just my drunk ass friend seeing if i made it home safe. Oh well... 



12-28-2006, 10:37 AM 
Sex and Theft available now at TJ Maxx!

My first real job was at a TJ Maxx store. I worked there from age 16-18 and got away with so much shit it's not even funny. I had a streak going where I was late to work 300 days STRAIGHT once. It took me being 15-30 minutes late to work 300 fuckin times before they called me into the office to "bring it to my attention". The store was a joke and is now closed down. 

The good thing about this job though was the women. I managed to be nailing 4 employees at the same time, 1 of which was the assistant manager...inside TJ Maxx...on the clock getting paid for it. 1 of these girls will appear in another story in the future (bitch got me sued!!). None of them knew about the other and 2 of them were fuckin cousins. 

The janitor there had just turned 50, was an excellent saxophone player that definitely could've done something with his talent. His alcohol problem however landed him in TJ Maxx mopping floors. The guy was a big perv and as long as I told him the details afterward, he'd stand guard at the men's bathroom while I took chicks in there. But anyway, this story actually takes place after the store had closed...with the assistant manager.

This chick was a MILF. A young one though at 28 (I was 17 and a senior in high school at this time). She had just had a child shortly before coming to manage our store and hadn't even been married a whole year yet. Appearance-wise, picture Tisha Campbell (kid's girlfriend from the House Party movies, Gina from the Martin TV show, etc.) but with HIPS. My first encounter with her was pretty bad, as I had come in late as I usually did not knowing that we were getting a new manager. She mouthed off at me for a while and that was that. As time went on, we found out we had a common interest. We both were into art. At this time I had planned on going to SCAD (Savannah College of Art & Design) and she had actually attended there. So I would show her pieces I had done while I was trying to put a portfolio together to try to get accepted. She would bring in stuff that she had done and we'd critique each other's stuff. She was so into me, that when she was the manager on duty, I couldn't even bone any of the other girls because she would always be calling me to her office or asking for my help with something. I guess you can say we were pretty good friends.

One night while she was on duty and I was closing, she had expressed to all the employees that she had to get home in a hurry so we weren't going to clean up the entire store like we normally did. "Just make sure no clothes are on the floor so we're presentable then we'll clock out and go." We straightened out the store and got ready to leave. Now, generally every retail place I have ever worked has this unwritten rule that if you're a man on duty, you should stay with any female that is waiting on a ride etc. To reduce the risk of them being attacked or something. I was the only guy there after closing (my janitor buddy had taken off earlier in the evening). The MILF in question held the door open as everybody walked out so she could go back in and set the burglar alarm and such. As I was walking out behind them, she kinda put her arm around me and said "You aren't going to leave me here by myself are you? My ride hasn't shown up yet." I hadn't thought anything of her arm being around me or her tits all over my arm and I of course agree to stay with her. 

Then it gets kinda strange. As she goes back to the manager's office to set the alarm, i'm sitting there watching everybody else get in their cars and leave. She comes back up to the front of the store and says something about the alarm not working. I have a quick flashback of her putting her arm around me a few minutes earlier (I'm a dumbass and it takes me a while to pick up on shit *shrug*). I also remember a manager saying that the code for the alarm is for keyholders only (common sense). As i'm sitting there looking at her trying to piece this together in my slow ass mind, she grabs my hand and starts leading me back to the office.

At this point i'm thinking "GOD YES!!" as we head back to her office. I ask her if she even attempted to set the alarm which is met with "uh...sure?" and then laughter. I tell her she sucks at trying to pick up guys and this would be a mercy fuck (jokingly of course...I had been daydreaming of beasting her since she came to work there). Anyway, we get into the office and I go in my wallet for a condom. I start thinking about Tisha Campbell and how she'd be top notch if she had hips at all. The MILF had a thing for these casual suits (that get me really hot on women) that were kinda loose fitting. You never really can tell till you see em naked so as she's taking her clothes off, I can see the hips. I'm thinking "GOD YES!! HIPS!!" as we start making out and shit. She grabs a towel that she had got from the home goods section or whatever (BITCH WAS PLOTTING ON ME! ^_^ ) and spread it across her desk. 

Now we run into a problem in the beginning. After all this plotting to get me back there, her ass can't even get wet. I stick my fingers in there and it's like a damn desert. In true Stuckey fashion, I go right into complaining. "What am I supposed to do with that? Dammit!" She kinda jumped on "Dammit!" and I started to feel something. I had learned something just then. MILFs like it rough. So after we were done, she sets the alarm with no problem. At retail stores, if the alarm isn't set by a certain time (11 o clock at TJ Maxx), security people start calling and asking why you're still in the store. We manage to get out of there around 10:50. Turns out she knew we were on a short time schedule so that's why she let everyone go so quick. We head out into the parking lot and her car is out there in front of the El Sombrero further down into the shopping center. I start to feel dirty and used (all she had to do was ask! plotting on me? back then I woulda fucked anything that walked...that was female, bitches). 

At school the next day, a friend approaches me that knows where I work. "Ay man, I heard somebody broke in your store last night." This was new knowledge to me and I wanted details. We go to the library where they had the latest newspaper and sure enough a small article is in there. 2 men arrested attempting to break into local TJ Maxx store. I looked on further to see what time they were hemmed up. "Around 11:30" This fucked my head up because I had just left TJ Maxx and hadn't even made it home before some guys came and threw a brick through the front window and tried to loot the store. Sure enough when I went in to work they had a window boarded up in the front. MILF was off that day.

I stuck to the other 3 chicks for a while after that. I'd eventually fuck MILF again, but not in the store. She closed down the store early like before, and we went and got a room. That store paid like ass, but the ass I got when I was there kinda evened everything out. Next one will be about the other TJ Maxx chick that got my ass sued. Peace. 


12-31-2006, 05:45 AM 
Ok. In the previous story, I mentioned a girl I had a few flings with at my first job that would later get me sued for 350 bucks. Here goes.

One of the 4 chicks I was screwing at my first job at first sight was nothing to brag on. She had an extremely large forehead and a very "toothy" smile (seems like she shows more teeth than an average person does when they smile...think 50 cent). I wouldn't say she was ugly though. Just not very cute. Her face on a scale from 1-10 gets a hard 7 (6.8 or 6.9 rounded up) from me. She dressed very tom-boyish and had a very stank attitude.

Right about now you're asking yourself why I was fucking her. Something wasn't right in my mind about this girl. Some kind of intuition thing I guess. After working with her for a couple weeks, I had convinced myself that under the jeans and button-up shirts she always wore, she had a body straight out of a Miss USA Pageant.

So I put my plan into motion on New Year's eve one year. The managers had taken us out to dinner after closing (at 6) that day. We went to the Applebee's just on the other side of the mall. I knew she'd be easy because word around the store was, she had a thing for me in the first place. Plus, on her face and style of dress alone, I knew nobody was getting at her. So when we get to the resturant, I sit next to her (which awards me fucked up looks from the other 2 girls I was hittin, the assistant manager didn't look like she gave a damn). I basically ignore everyone else and shoot the breeze with her the whole duration we're having dinner. I get her number when we leave around 8.

Soon as I get home, I call her. I have a party to go to later that evening for New Year's and I plan to talk to her the all the way until it's time for me to leave the house. During our conversation, I shared my theory with her. "I'm curious about something, are you athletic? Do you work out a lot or something?" She says no, but that she gets asked that question a lot. I tell her "Well, I bet under the jeans and button-ups you always wear to work, you have a perfect body. I'd like to find out." She didn't object to letting me "find out" at all. At this point it was just a matter of where and when.

At this particular point in time, I had the easiest job in the whole store. I was the fitting room attendant. You basically count how many items someone takes in and brings out of the dressing room to make sure nobody's stealing shit and swapping price tags and stuff. After people tried shit on that they didn't like, or didn't fit, they'd leave those items at the fitting room and the employees that weren't busy with anything would come get them and put them back where they were supposed to go. Well, this chick came over to grab some clothes to put back, but there wasn't much to be put back. So she stayed over there and we chatted a while. I told her again that I wanted to see what she had under those clothes and she said we could do something that night...as long as I took her bowling? (wtf XD )

But I was so driven to find out if I was right about this chick, so I took her out to dinner and we went bowling. This is the one time pussy ever costed me money, but my curiosity was killing me. So we get to her place (she lived with her sister). She takes off her clothes...

I was so. Fucking. Right.

To this day, I don't know it's possible to have a body like that eating burger king and only leaving the house to work at TJ Maxx. The shit was insane. She had the body (but not the face) to give Gabrielle Union a run for her money. I don't understand for the life of me why she'd cover THAT up in jeans and button-ups. Anyway, I was feelin myself for some time after that because I had guessed right about it. I fucked her that night and every night after that for a week and a day. Our situation was going pretty well until she asked me was I seeing somebody. I'm not one to lie to anybody, so I tell her that i'm in a relationship. To make a long story short, she didn't say another word to me (that wasn't work related) all the way up until I left TJ Maxx for college.

Fast-forward to 2005. I'm out of school and working for my stepdad's independent contracting gig. My job was to deliver office supplies from Staples, Office Depot, etc. that UPS and FedEX charged too much to deliver (because the shit was fucking HEAVY). It wasn't bad because even though you worked hard, you didn't work long. I was working 4 hour days monday through friday and makin 500 bucks a week. One day I was delivering in downtown Macon to a law office. They had ordered several 25lb. cases of copy paper. I threw them on a handtruck and went inside.

I see the girl of this story working in this office. It's been a long time since i'd seen her. She looks GREAT in her business attire, but I can immediately tell she still hates my guts. I still speak to her and get a half-assed "hey" in return. She walks off and I ask the receptionist where she'd like the copy paper stored. She points me to the door that ol girl is heading to. I get over there just as she's going in the doorway. I know the bitch seen me coming, but she let go of the door as soon as she got on the other side of it.

The door hit my handtruck leaving a scratch in the bottom of the door. I go on in and unload the paper and as i'm coming out, the receptionist is kneeled down examining the door. She says she saw what happened and it was very rude of the young lady not to hold the door open for me. I apologize and she tells me it's ok. So I leave.

Maybe 2 weeks later, a police officer shows up at my door and serves me a summons. I'm getting sued for the cost to replace this whole door at the law office. 350 damn dollars. Of course I don't dispute it (I more or less conceded that I had done it while talking to the receptionist that day). So yeah, when I say this is the only time pussy ever costed me money, i'm talking REAL money. Oh well, at least I was right about her body. 


01-02-2007, 05:14 PM 
Karma.

This one takes place back in high school. Senior year. The math teacher I always got stuck with, Mrs. Lockett, had a fake leg. One of her legs had been cut off at the knee, but no one had any idea why. None of the students were daring enough to ask her about it, and half the school thought it was just a rumor (before the c/o 2000 had even got there, they said her leg fell off during a summer school class). Since I didn't like her as a teacher (one of the most boring classes I ever had, and I actually LIKE to learn), I pretty much led the attack on her leg. I created some A+ material about that woman (all of which I can't remember) like she had got her leg caught in a beartrap back in Vietnam and had to gnaw it off to get free. Or she traded it with Satan when she went to hell to come back to the land of the living. One time she walked by my desk and I whispered to a girl sitting next to me "Do you smell pine?" (we speculated that her leg was wooden). She gave me detention. I didn't go. Turned to saturday school.

I rode this lady the entire 4 years I was there. I made new friends off joking about her. Got phone numbers from it (chicks dig humor, even if it's morally wrong). And never once felt bad about it. I figured if they kept sticking me in her class, i'd keep talking shit. One morning in Calculus, she had stepped out of the class to make some copies of an assignment. I jumped up and moved the cord of the overhead projector into the middle of the floor. Wanting to see if she'd trip over it so we could find out the truth once and for all. I returned to my seat and waited for her to come back. She came into the classroom and stepped right over the cord, then slid it back against the wall. Shit.

As usual I had finished the assignment before most of the class, so I got up and asked to go to the restroom. She permitted me to go. 

I have to take a break to explain the layout of my old high school. The classrooms were basically along 3 long hallways. Each of these hallways has a staircase at the end. About 10 steps on the staircase. Mrs. Lockett's classroom was at the end of the hallway in the middle, the staircase right outside her classroom. Once down the steps, the office is straight ahead through some glass doors, and the lunch room and library on the other side of the office.

So I walk out the class and head for the restroom beside the office. I fall down the steps. As soon as I lose my footing, I know the shit is gonna hurt. I yell "OOOOHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" as I feel my momentum start to hurl me toward the bottom of the steps. This suprised the students in Mrs. Lockett's class and the class across from it. The kids run out to see me falling (not rolling) down the stairs and hitting one or 2 steps and bouncing up all the way down. I land in the middle of the hallway between the staircase and the office. The other classes at the end of the other 2 hallways were also alerted to my shouting expletives and came down the staircases to see what happened. The secretaries in the office saw the whole thing through the glass doors.

As i'm laying there on my face, I pick my head up and Kristy B. is standing right in front of me. Easily the most popular girl in the school, and definitely the loudest. She didn't even ask me was I ok before she busted out laughing. I get up to my knees and swivel around to look at the stairs I had just dropped from. I look up and see Mrs. Lockett walking down the stairs with a couple other students that actually gave a damn about me. As she was walking down, I could kinda see up her slacks. Her left leg was fake alright, but not wooden. She came down and helped me up as everybody stayed out in the hall laughing. One of the secretaries came out of the office and asked me if I needed to see a nurse. I was fine, but I'd had some change that fell out of my pocket on the way down and it was all gone. There went my soda and chips money.

So i'd found out the truth about Mrs. Lockett, but after that I kept my mouth shut about it. I still hated her class, but I didnt' give her a hard time anymore. After that week had ended, things had gone back to normal (Kristy to this DAY won't let the shit rest though.)

At the end of the year when we got our year books, I opened it up to find a section on some of the senior's fondest memories about our high school. I could pick out the name "Stuckey" at least 20 times. I accounted for about 40% of their "fond" memories (heartless bitches ain't they?), and a lot of kids that signed my book made mention of it. I keep all my yearbooks in pristine condition, but that one is the only one with any real meaning left. It's there to remind me that Karma is a bitch. With herpes. 


01-03-2007, 07:02 AM 
Punks jump up to get beat down.

This takes place back when "snapping" was popular. 'Yo mama' jokes and shit like that. I was in the 8th grade and had been the victim of a lot of teasing when I was younger (I had a fucking humongous gap in my 2 front teeth. if i wasn't me, I would've gave me hell too). When I got in the 7th grade, I got braces and nipped that problem in the butt. And with that, my vengeful nature started to take shape. I'll probably hold childhood grudges for the rest of my life and I have a very hard time letting shit go. When there was nothing else to pick on me about (my teeth straightened out very quickly), I started going after people. My goal was always tears and I wouldn't stop until I got them.

So in the 8th grade, this was pretty much still going on. On the bus ride home from school one day, I start snapping on this dude named Sean. He was 3 times my size, but dumb as fuck. I don't even remember how long it took him to get out of the 8th grade, or how long he'd been there before I got there. It was too easy. I had the whole bus cracking up including my friend (who lived up the street) and my cousin. He'd snap back every once in a while and it would be something corny or something i'd already used on somebody else earlier. The last straw was when I said he'd been in the 8th grade since Reagan was in office. A certain female sitting near him that I think he liked, found this one very funny. On a sidenote, this is the very same girl in my labor day weekend story. The one that refers to sex as "getting pounded". Anyway, this is when he got angry and exclaimed that he wanted to hear my jokes when he got off at my stop. 

I did mention this nigga was 3 times my size didn't I?

You remember back in the day when somebody would get punked and you'd hear "OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!" from all the other kids trying to instigate shit? This was one of those moments. Back then, you didn't live down getting punked. Period. Kids didn't have bills and jobs and shit. No real lives outside of school. This made them very slow to forget someone playing you like a pussy. Hell, it was the only thing going on in their life!

So I kept right on snapping all the way to his stop. He lived in an apartment complex around the block from my grandmother, all the other kids got off. True to his word, he stayed and waited for my stop to come up. The bus stopped and we got off. We meaning myself, him.....my friend from up the street.....and my cousin.

I did mention this nigga was dumb as fuck didn't I?

I'm standing there trying not to laugh at the guy when I see his expression change from "yeah nigga talk that shit now" to "oh fuck!" 

"You wanted to hear another joke didn't you? How about this one? We're gonna kick your old ass and laugh while we watch you walk home." At that moment, I heard a group of instigators running around the block after they noticed Sean didn't get off with them. I stall a little longer so more people can come watch.

To reiterate, back then you didn't get punked. Especially when you were 3 times bigger and older than your classmates. So he didn't punk out and leave. He just stood there and looked stupid.

My friend says "All you gotta do is hit him, Stuc." 

I hit him. Lots. We all did. There was plenty "OOOOOOOOOOH!" going on in the background. We laughed as he walked home. After that, he and I kinda co-existed. I didn't give him a lot of shit about it and he never came at me for revenge. I even tried to put him on the girl that he liked, but it didn't work out. Like I said, after we got out of 8th grade, he was still there. I don't know what happened to him, but I hope I knocked a little sense into his big ass that day. 



01-04-2007, 04:26 PM 
Pineapple Juice works!

This is one of the few that i'll tell involving my fiance'. My freshman year of college, I attended Georgia Southern University in Statesboro, Ga. My girl stayed in Macon and attended Mercer. As far as seeing each other, Statesboro isn't that far away, so we'd alternate weekends on who'd make the trip. One of the weekends she was coming up to be with me, she had been telling me the whole week to drink nothing but Pineapple Juice and to eat very little meat, if any.

A friend of hers (who now actually plays in the WNBA for the Connecticut Sun), had been telling her some shit about having your man drink nothing but pineapple juice and staying away from meat makes the man's ejaculate sweeter. She swore up and down it worked and that my girl should try it. So she approached me with this idea. The pineapple juice wasn't really a problem, but it was hell not eating meat for 4 days. At any rate, when she got to my dorm, I told her we had to get to it quick because I wanted to go out to dinner and be able to eat meat again. 

We get to it, and she ends up on top of me working me over really good. When that "special moment" came, she hopped off and immediately wrapped her lips around my joint. After taking everything I had, she looked up at me.

I swear, this is one of the funniest facial expressions i've ever seen hands down. It was kinda like a "this shit actually works?!" look mixed with "i'm sitting here with jizz in my mouth". I busted out laughing. I couldn't hold it in. This in turn made her laugh. With a mouth full of semen....

She spit a glob of that shit right in my face.

Some got in my eye (which hurts like hell) so I grabbed a towel to get it out. I wiped my face clean (or so I thought), and went to wash my eye out really good because it was still stinging. Now i've always had a habit of licking my lips (i don't care much for using chapstick). So habitually I did it...and tasted pineapple. I was mad as fuck (and swore that I wouldn't tell anybody this ever happened...so much for that), but the shit really worked. No lie, if you want to do your girl the favor of making your jizz more bearable, try it. It works. 


01-06-2007, 12:18 PM 
This one is a classic. It also involves my fiance' I actually posted this story a long time ago on here. It involves Silent Hill 3 and my friends still give me a hard time about it.

Ok, i'm sitting at the foot of my bed playing Silent Hill 3 (back when it first came out) with my girl. She was laying down on the bed beside where I was sitting and watching me play (giving me hints, making fun of me when I run my character off somewhere like a bitch, even grabbing my junk!). I don't know how to use the spoiler thing, so read the next paragraph at your own risk.

There's a room in an apartment building that's full of mannequin parts. There's ammo, etc. to pick up in there along a set of shelves. If you go on the other side of the shelves you hear someone scream loud as fuck. They aren't in the room.

When the above happened, I jumped hard as hell like a bitch and it caught me off guard so bad that I kneed my girl in her forehead. Tiger knee style. It kinda made her neck snap back and she thought she had whiplash. Turns out she was fine and she went back to laughing at me for being a pussy...but she sat a little further away from me after that. Don't play Silent Hill 3 next to your significant others. 


01-06-2007, 05:08 PM 
Another tale from the book of TJ Maxx. I call it...

Alphabet City ain't nothin to fuck wit.

This story takes place with yet another girl I've had relations with while working at TJ Maxx. Her name is Kristy M. (not to be confused with Kristy B. from my karma story). The one that got me sued far and away was the finest (in terms of body and performance in bed), but the one in the story i'm about to tell is the cutest. If any of you have seen ATL...she looks like Lauren London or "New-New". She was 5'3" or 5'4" with dimples, she had a walk so mean you'd think she could write it off on her taxes. But more important than all that, she wore specs. I got hots for chicks in glasses. She's the cousin of the very first girl I banged at that place (who got pregnant on me and appropriately cut me off) and she hired on not long before I ended up leaving for school. 

One thing instantly noticable about Kristy M., is she has a big mouth. She always talked shit. A lot of the older women that worked there thought she was hilarious and every guy working there thought she liked them. Hell, some of them even bought her shit on a regular basis (even though she had a man). In short, flirty to the guys and Seinfeld to the women. Most of the women anyway.

She was working up at customer service one night with one of the older women named Demetris (we called her Meechie). Things were kinda slow that night so we were all kinda taking it easy, tidying up and shit. Meechie was on the phone with a friend of hers shootin the breeze and Kristy was bored. She starts talking shit to Meechie and whoever she's talking to on the phone. "Tell that bitch she need to go find herself a man!", "ain't she got anything better to do?!" etc. This made Meechie laugh as it always did when Kristy carried on like that. The girl on the phone wasn't amused and asked Meechie to hand Kristy the phone. Kristy didn't even let the girl speak her peace before she started in on her. "Oh, so you gonna curse me out? I was just playin with your ass, but if you got somethin to say to me you can come up here and say it!" The whole while, Kristy is smiling and Meechie is laughing. She's just playing around like she always does. Apparently the girl hangs up on her. 

Now, Kristy had no idea who she was on the phone with. And in her defense, Meechie didn't seem like the type to associate with this type of person. This girl is from a projects in Macon called Alphabet City. And well...it's the projects. Project chicks are stereotypically confrontational and such. This girl fit that profile perfectly. In fact, she LED the neighborhood Crips gang based out of Alphabet City. 

So about 10 or 15 minutes later, a car pulls up. The customers had started to pick up a little at this time so Meechie and Kristy both were ringing up customers. I was working at the jewelry booth this night right across from the Customer service desk. In comes this girl with jeans and a black sweatshirt and slippers on. Meechie looks up and recognizes the girl, but the girl doesn't stop to acknowledge Meechie at all. This whole scene is so funny to me, that i've attempted to draw her "line" through the store (below). The whole thing lasted under 30 seconds. 

She walked through the store, not saying shit to anybody. Walked behind the customer service counter. Slapped the SHIT out of Kristy, knocking her to her knees, then strolled out of the store laughing. The customer she was ringing up went behind the counter to help her up and asked Meechie to call the police. Kristy told Meechie not to and that she'd be fine. She went back to ringing the customer up while he insisted she call the cops. After the customers were out of the store, the manager had me escort her to her car (to make sure she didn't get jumped) and she left early. Back inside, Meechie and I cracked up about it for the rest of the night as Meechie told me other stories about this Alphabet City girl.

Let's just say you won't catch ME anywhere in Alphabet City. Unless I end up in the poor house or something. 


01-07-2007, 11:30 AM 
Ok. This next tale is so EPIC, so GRANDIOSE, that it doesn't even have an ending. (it does now!) My friends and even my fiance talk about it to this day (in fact, i'll be calling them for any specific details I may forget when writing this). I'll call it...

The Legend of Laina.

This story began back in high school. Sophomore year. This is before I had given up on the marching band, which i'd later quit because they sucked. I was in the drumline, along with my godbrother Sherod, while our other homeboy Alex played the trumpet (they were both a year ahead of me). The band was also scattered with other friends that may pop up in this story. For the record, my fiance didn't go to my high school. She went to a private school a good distance away from my high school.

Picture this scene. The band room at my high school had just been built when I started going to school there. Fresh cream-colored paint for the majority of the wall, with an orange stripe, and then navy blue along the rest of the wall down to the floor. Blue and orange are the school colors at my high school. There were restrooms along the wall ground level and the instructor's office right next to them. If you look up, you can see a row of 5 rooms believed to be rooms for individual practice for instruments. It was said that these rooms were soundproof. The area where we played was on one big curve. Almost U-shaped. With every row, there was a big step leading up to the next row. The first row of chairs at the bottom were the flutes. The second row, the clarinets, the next row, the trumpets, the next row, the big bass instruments, in the very back was us. The percussion section. This gave us a bird's eye view of everything. We could see on top of the instructor's head from where we were. We could also see a large assortment of cleavage, people tryin to dig in their ass on the sly or pullin wedgie's out, arguments, people dosing off, everything. The only thing we couldn't see, was into that row of 5 individual practice rooms.

One day, chairs were empty as they usually were. Laina, a flute(!) player was missing. Along with 2 trumpet players. A gay clarinet player, and one of our percussion guys were gone. We thought nothing of this, because absences were alive and well at my school. This particular string of absences would change the rest of our tenure at that school though. This is where it all began.

The next day, the seats looked a bit more full. As we played above everybody else, I noticed Nicole the clarinet player (who passed away from a tumor last year R.I.P.) leaning down to talk shit to Laina every now and then. Nicole sat directly behind Laina and while the instructor would single out other sections if he was hearing something bad, Nicole would lean over and go apeshit on Laina. Laina kept facing forward and rarely responded to Nicole's rants. When class ended that day, Nicole took her clarinet apart, packed it neatly into her case. Then went went at Laina hard.

Nicole wasn't fat, but she was healthy, she had a crush on my boy Alex (the trumpet player), but at the time she was going with someone else. Laina was skinny, not much to write home about, but i'll be damned if she didn't have some DSLs out of this world. For a skinny chick, she had some nice legs and a little ass. She had flunked 10th grade once before, so at the time she was in my grade. Anyway, the size difference made this fight kinda once sided. Nicole got a few choice punches in before the fight was broken up. While they were pulling Nicole away, she yelled something to the effect of "That's why you flunked because you can't keep all that dick out your mouth!"

Dick in the mouth you say? With them lips?? As usual when a fight takes place at your school you want details. The details to this fight remain an unsolved mystery. And is more or less what this story is about. I'm not much of a writer, so the shit above is my attempt at a prologue or whatever. 

Band class was 5th period. After 6th period, it'd be time to go home. This hindered our little Hardy Boy's investigation. I'll refer to Me, Sherod, and Alex as said Hardy Boy's periodically to simplify. We let it go for the remainder of that day. The next day though, it was all we thought about. Unfortunately, we couldn't go to the sources (Nicole or Laina) yet, because they had been suspended. We figured we'd start with the missing chairs from the day in question. First chair belonged to Derek (or Twin), one of the fellow percussion players. He had been out of school that day because he overslept. But he was very interested in finding out about the fight himself, so he said he'd find out what he could. So much for that. Next were the 2 trumpet players. One was a white boy named Johnathan. He cut school to smoke some weed. Scratch him off. Next trumpet player was Wayne. We tracked him down before(!) lunch that day and we started getting somewhere. 

Wayne tells us that his absence had nothing to do with Laina, but he had heard that Nicole's boyfriend (Artis) had paid Laina 2 dollars to blow him, and she did it. This was why the fight had broken out, or so it seemed. We thanked him for the information and life went back to normal. Until 4th period (which also contained lunch period). In 4th period, Sherod and Alex would go to ROTC. I never joined ROTC so at this time I was in chemistry class. Unfortunately, we didn't have the same lunch period, so I spent lunch with my other friends Jarman and Brian. I let them in on what happened during lunch and we laughed and cracked jokes about it the whole lunch period. We also concluded that we'd sure as hell pay 2 dollars for some head from this chick. The lips man...

In band class that day, when I walked in, I looked up to our section and saw Alex and Sherod tripping out about something (Alex would come up to trip out before we took our seats everyday). Looked intriguing, so I went up to join them. They filled me in on what they had learned from Rodriguez (another friend) in ROTC class. That the real reason Laina got beat up was not because Artis paid her 2 dollars to blow him, but because she blowed Artis and another guy at the same time! So we had side believing that she sucked dick for 2 dollars. And another side saying she sucked 2 dicks at the same time. The number 2 kept coming up. We went to 6th period that day, then home. Something told me that this wasn't over.

I managed to catch up with Wayne again the next day to fill him in on the new details. I asked him where he had got his information from, and he tells me he learned this in art class from Xavier (I wish I didn't have to throw so many names in here, but trust me there were a lot of people in on this). Xavier was in my math class (fake-legged Mrs. Lockett was our teacher), which had already passed so I figured i'd catch up with him tomorrow. Also, in chemistry class, I filled Jarman and Brian in on the updates. They laughed themselves to death as usual and Jarman brought up a very interesting point. "They say she fucks around with that tall gay cat Herman she always hangs around with"......AH HA! His chair in the clarinet section was empty too on this day in question. The plot thickens.

In band class that day, I suggested this to be the case to Sherod and Alex. We argued over who would approach him on this one. We played Rock-Paper-Scissors, I lost. I agreed to talk to him after class. Now Herman is the son of one of the Advanced Placement Literature teachers in our school. Probably my favorite teacher in that whole school. He wore extremely tight jeans, had some gray hair in his head already, and was one of our best clarinets. The day he was absent, you sure as hell could tell. Them broads were horrendous on clarinet. So when I approached him, I asked him had he talked to Laina since the incident. He wanted to know why I was asking. "I just wanted to see how she was doing. Nicole got ahold of her pretty good." He said he had talked to her and she's fine. He started to walk off and the only thing I could think to say was to ask him for her number. Of course he asked "why" I wanted it and no reason I gave him worked. I needed some other way to approach Herman, and i'd figure it out later. 

Since Herman was a year ahead of us, I thought that maybe he had a part-time job. I asked around the school, but no one seemed to know. In my diseased mind, I had come up with a fucked up way to get to Herman (who was very alert and didn't fall for much bullshit). I would find out where he worked, get a girl to go approach him there, make friends with him and find out what he knew. Back then I noticed all the gay guys at our school were surrounded by women most of the time. (No offense to gay folks on here). Herman was only surrounded by Laina when we'd see him. So began my quest to find a broad nosy enough to help us out. This wasn't hard. Xavier and myself convinced LaKisha to give us a hand while in Mrs. Lockett's class. All I had to do was find out some more info. The weekend came, so our investigation was on hiatus. 

Back then, Macon had 2 movie theaters. One at our mall, another in the more wealthy part of town. I had my learner's permit at that time, but mom would still let me take the car on weekends. I'd always take my girl to the wealthy one because she lived near there anyway, but one day we were out at the mall and decided to go see a movie on a whim. I can't remember for the life of me which one it was. Anyway, I get our tickets and we proceed to the movie. You know how there was a guy standing at the front of the hallway to tear your ticket off and give you the stub? Guess who this person was?

It was Laina.

I asked her how she'd been doing and when she'd be back at school. It was a 5 day suspension and she'd be back tuesday or wednesday or something like that. I wished my girl wasn't standing there holding my hand because then i'd be able to get her phone number. It'd be hard to do it back at school after she just seen me with my girl. I'd figure out something. For now let's enjoy the movie. As we were walking past to go inside to our screen, my girl expressed that Laina looked familiar to her. I told her that she went to my school and she'd been in a fight on that tuesday (if i get the days mixed up, it's been a long time so bear with me). My girl then said......

That Laina was at her school. Her PRIVATE school campus. That monday. OMGWTFBBQ!!

When her chair was empty on monday, she had been at my girl's school? Way across town? Doing what I wonder? My girl knew nothing beyond that, but said she had seen her outside during lunch with a guy with tight pants on. Fuck, that had to be Herman. I wondered how they were allowed on campus, but my girl told me that campus security was lazy. They rode around the school on their bikes every so often, but they had the tendency to get "lost" for periods of time. Around this time, the lights dimmed and the movie came on. I told her i'd let her know why I was so curious after the movie ended. During the movie, I couldn't concentrate. All the coincidences and different stories were about to make my head explode. I thought about why I cared so much. Remember what I said in the "Punks Jump up to get Beat Down" story? When you're young, you don't have a lot of responsibility, so that gives you more time to dwell on silly shit like this. I hopped up and said I was going to piss. I really wanted to go out and get at Laina in private for a while, but I couldn't find her when I stepped out. I didn't want my girl to get suspicious, so I came back in when I didn't see Laina at her post.

We watched the movie, and on the way home, I filled her in with everything i've told all of you up to this point. She said she'd see what she could find out at her school. I dropped her off and went to play some MK Trilogy at Sherod's house (back then we were dumb enough to like it). Over there, I filled him in on what my girl told me. We had an "OH SHIT" moment and tripped out about it. Sherod put in a call to Alex and let him know what was happening. We were at a dead end with this thing until the weekend was over. Then it was back to business.

I called my girl early monday morning before she left the house, to tell her not to forget to find out about Laina. She said that she'd forgot and thanked me for reminding her. My first duty was to finish putting LaKisha onto Herman. It took some time, but I managed to figure out that Herman worked...

Where else? At the movie theater with Laina.

Since Kisha had no classes with Herman (Kisha was a year behind us so that puts Herman 2 years ahead of her), it would seem really fishy for her to just approach him and make friends. So we decided that she'd go in to the theater, "notice him from school" and make small talk. Girls chat it up with gay dudes all the time. How hard could it be? I gave her money for a movie ticket and she said she'd get some friends to go out there with her that weekend. Now things had come to a dead end. The investigation was cut off early that day because we had no more leads. The plan was to wait until Laina came back...

STUCKEY YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOU NEVER TALKED TO ARTIS AND HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE 2 DOLLAR BOY!!!

I had this revelation in the middle of class and it actually made me sit up in my chair like I had tourettes or some shit. I played it off as best I could, and decided that when I got out of class, i'd work the Artis angle. Now Artis was on our football team. Our shitty shitty football team. These were the only guys practicing every single weekday. Taking fuckin CREATINE. And managing to be wack enough to come from a season with no more than 2 wins. I had to give it up to them though. Even though they were hot garbage, they took pride and wore their jerseys to school every Wednesday. But whatever, I catch up with Artis we start to chat.

I find out that Artis had fucked Laina. Free of charge. No 2 dollar head. In fact, no head at all. And this is why the fight broke out between Nicole and Laina. Nicole's statement about keeping dick out of her mouth was just said out of anger. Artis said he'd heard about the 2 dollar thing though. Believed there was some truth to it. So I had figured that much out. Why the fight took place. I shared the news with all involved, but of course there were still loose ends to tie up. 

What the hell was she doing at my girl's school? With Herman?

What's with Herman always being with this girl? Is he even really gay?

And how did Artis get away with...

Fucking Laina in one of the individual practice rooms on the day in question? The lights were off in one of those rooms wasn't it? Was my girl mistaken? How many other big lipped girl/man with tight jeans combos are there walking around macon? How could they be in 2 places at one time.....?

2 SCHOOLS in one day?? There's the number 2 again. 

The 5 individual practice rooms upstairs were never locked. Never had anything in them (far as we knew) and no one ever went up there. The individual practice room is where I banged my first and only asian chick. I enjoyed it, but she wasn't very good at oral. I discovered I could take women up there after Artis told me that no one ever went up there for anything. He said the day he and Laina went up there, he had taken a blanket with him. They cut out the lights and did it during a band class. These rooms were soundproof. Reinforced enough to where you could barely hear people in them playing instruments. So you'd have to be upstairs with someone to hear them fucking. He said he even left the blanket in the room they used because no one would go up there and find it. I think it stayed up there for a few months before anybody got it. 

I asked him what time of day it was that they did this and he said later in the afternoon. Around the time school was ending. 5th period maybe? I thought back on it and did notice that one of those lights were out up there in the practice rooms. They were usually on along with all the other lights in the band room (why i don't know). It bugged me out to think that someone was a floor up from us (damn near eye level from where our percussion section sat), someone was fucking. While Nicole was sitting there playing her clarinet, a flute player was RIGHT UPSTAIRS fucking her man. Anyway, Artis understood what we were trying to do, but his situation with Nicole was kinda rough and he didn't want to risk losing her contacting Laina and trying to get to the bottom of this. I understood this, agreed with him even. I figured i'd wait for Laina to come back to school, and for the end of the day so I could see what my girl knew.

At lunch that day, I filled Jarman and Brian in on the shit that went down over the weekend. Guess what they did? That's right, laughed all damn day about it. They hadn't been drawn in to my sinister plans yet, they just wanted a good laugh and to spend their days arguing over who was better: No Limit or Wu-Tang. Wu-Tang is better for the record.

My girl got no leads from the name Laina. I asked her did she ask around about Herman. She said she would try that the next day. I could tell she was just as into this as we were at my school. The next day, Laina had returned to school. No one was dumb enough to go running their mouths and fucking up our delicate situation and this suprised me. I guess everybody knew that we had to cooperate to get the truth. Now, normally I would have tried to get on Laina's "good side" to find some shit out, but she had already caught me out and about with my lady. I would need someone else to handle this. We had already agreed that Alex would use Nicole's fondness of him to our advantage to find out what she knew, but her suspension was longer since she kicked the most ass I guess. It would be another week before we saw her.

This left Sherod. He was seeing somebody at the time, but his situation was similar to mine. His girl went to a private school (not the same one my girl went to, one a little closer to our high school. very close actually), but Laina had not caught the 2 of them out anywhere. He agreed to try to get at her. I figured things would be more eventful after Laina had come back, but it actually kinda slowed down. In band class, we waited on the end of class, where Sherod would have the opportunity to talk to Laina. When the time came, Alex and I noticed something kinda strange. While Sherod was doing his thing with Laina, we looked across the way to Herman. Who looked kinda pissed. Why would he be mad at some guy talking to Laina? He's gay ain't he? No my friends. No he isn't.

He walks over to where Sherod is and Alex and I start to head down too. He walks up and puts his hand on Sherod's shoulder and says "you might wanna stop bothering my girl." Now let me explain my boy Sherod. Sherod and I are pretty much one in the same. We're hotheads who don't believe in a whole lot of talking. One time, he bought some food from Wendy's and there was a little ass piece of meat in his burger. It wasn't really a whole burger at all. He drove back to Wendy's and to make a long story short, police had to escort him off the premesis. After they offered to make him another burger, he was STILL going off on them in the middle of the resturant. So you can imagine what Herman's comment did to him. He turned around fast as hell and got ready to draw his fist back until he saw who it was.

By this time, Alex and I had made our way over there. We exchanged "what the FUCK?!" looks with one another. Laina and I exchanged greetings and asked me how I liked the movie. I told her it was pretty good and she and Herman left the classroom. Shit was getting so weird that I didn't even want to deal with it anymore. As 6th period ended, Jarman caught up with me as I was getting on the bus to go home. He had...

Laina's phone number. Hmmm...

We were back in the game. Since Sherod's attempt was thwarted, he was out. We had to rely on Jarman's silly ass to get in good with Laina. By this time, my head was killing me. I told him to let me in on the scoop the next day.

I got home and took a nap. When I woke up, I went down my list of phone calls I had to make. 

First was my girl. I had to run down all the shit that had happened that day. She was amazed at how fucked up shit was getting. The name Herman had turned up a couple leads at her school though. She said it wasn't hard because Herman's mom was a teacher and all. Apparently, his mom is a family friend of a girl that went to school with my girl named Maria. I had actually met Maria before, but I didn't remember where. Oh well, whatever...sadly, the Maria lead didn't turn up anything other than the fact that she knew Herman's mother. That did us no good. The other lead was Marcus. My head starts to hurt again when I find out that Marcus...

Is gay...and is one of Herman's acquantances. GODDAMMIT!

So is Herman bi? Did Laina blow her boyfriend and his gay buddy at the same time? Way too complicated. I tell my girl to stay on it. I call Sherod to fill him in.

He's still kinda in shock about Herman being straight. You see, Sherod and Herman have known each other far longer than I knew either of them. They grew up in the same neighborhood. Herman lived next door to Persandra (who i'd receive the cockblock from hell trying to fuck...by Herman. This was after high school and another story I'll post later) and Sherod told me all the stories of how Persandra and Herman would hang together in the neighborhood while Sherod would hang with the boys. He told me stories about him and his friends playing football or chasing each other with waterguns while Herman and Persandra would be in the yard doing cartwheels and shit. Even Persandra told me stories of how she'd literally try to GIVE the pussy to him, but he'd wimp out.

So I give him a little reassurance that Herman has some "tendencies" when I tell him about this kid Marcus. I also tell him that Jarman got Laina's digits and that he was gonna try to get in good with her. Jarman's had a pretty good history with women so we believe he has a good chance. We get Alex on 3way and fill him in on everything. I guess we're doing as good as we can do. I pick my enthusiasm back up about it a little bit.

The next day, I realize something as i'm walking into Mrs. Lockett's class. I know where I met that girl Maria now. Xavier was fucking her! Ah...this seemingly useless lead had some legs to stand on now. Now, i'll tell you all something about my boy X. He transferred to our school from the close private school that Sherod's girl went to. He and I became friends from this incident (and ragging on Mrs. Lockett's leg). He's a no-nonsense kinda guy. One time when he was working in the mall at a shoe store, he flat out told a girl "baby, i'd eat your pussy dry". No, "hey how you doin welcome to footaction" none of that. He says what he feels whenever and wherever. And I respect the hell out of that. He knows how not to mess up this Laina situation though and assures me he'll be careful. He'd get in touch with Maria and see what she knew about Herman through their relationship with Herman's mom. We also express to LaKisha that we might not need her help with Herman anymore. 

At lunch, Jarman let Brian and I in on his situation with Laina. He says that they just made small talk for a while and that things were coming along nicely. He hadn't asked her out anywhere yet. I tell them about Marcus and you already know what they did. I swear those guys can lose 20 pounds a day just from laughing if we hung out long enough.

Now this is where our investigation took a hit that set us back. Nothing too major, but we lost one of the Hardy Boy's to an altercation while Sherod and Alex were in ROTC. Someone had said something about Alex's mom and he appropriately responded. Threw the guy into a locker. 3 day suspension. We'd have to fill him in for the next few days.

In band class, we get news that we'd be participating in Festival in the next 2 weeks. Festival is basically an event where we traveled to Atlanta to play before a group of judges and the winner out of all the schools would award the whole school a pizza party and a pretty decent donation to the school itself. We never won. It was never my fault. Those broads sucked ASS in the clarinet section. After we receive the news and we settle down to play. I look out across the band and I notice something.

Laina's chair is empty again, but Herman is present and accounted for. Holy shit. 

When I got home that day, the suspense was killing me. Why was her chair empty again? I know I had seen her earlier that day. If she skipped out again, why was Herman in class? She didn't go back to my girl's school did she? Fuck it, I got homework.

By the time i'm done, I get a call from my girl. I immediately ask did she happen to see Laina again. She says no, and that the trail went cold at her school. She didn't know Marcus personally, so she didn't have an angle to approach him from. She does know Maria personally, but they aren't good friends or anything. Dammit. She says she'll let me know if anything came up.

I hurry to call Jarman to find out if he knew where Laina was...

ISS. In-school suspension. She was placed there after an incident with Mr. Caldwell, the French teacher. Oh well, at least she wasn't out making shit more complicated. He's on the line with her and says he'll call me back. I call Sherod to tell him and everything calms down until school the next day. 

Wayne approaches me and asks me where Laina was. I tell him ISS and I realize that he'd been out of the loop on this whole thing. I fill him in (as a means to give him all the names and leads I have and see if he has something useful). His face lights up when I mention Marcus. He went to grade-school with Marcus and assures me that the guy is a blatant homosexual. He got in trouble for sucking off a guy named Shane. BACK IN GRADE SCHOOL. Hmm...I know Shane. So does Sherod. We also know that he isn't gay, but definitely seems like the type that would do anything for a nut. Including letting a gay guy blow him. I keep his name in mind for later.

At lunch, Jarman lets me know how his conversation went with Laina. They got a little more personal and he asked her about the fight she had been in with Nicole. Her story sync's up with Artis's. She fucked him in the individual practice room the day before the fight. She did it because she thought he was gonna leave Nicole for her. When Jarman asked her "Well, what about Herman? I thought he was your man?"....

"Herman is not my man. Herman is gay, you know that."

SON OF A FUCKIN BITCH! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

Soon as lunch gets out, I rush to band class. I pull Sherod to the side and tell him what i'd just heard. "Man this bullshit is makin my head hurt." he says. Now he feels my pain. We can't stay on one road long enough to get to the end of it. Shit keeps changing and it's not even fun anymore. Still intriguing, but not fun. I decide to approach Laina after class is over. If Herman comes up and tries that shit on me, i'll put him on blast.

At this point, Laina kinda likes me. She thinks i'm a cool guy and she knows that me and Jarman are buddies. I can pretty much say what I need to say (outside of our investigation) and get a straight answer. She says that she gets Herman to do that just to keep guys off her. She expressed to me that she thought of Sherod as a "roughneck" and wasn't interested. Herman is her defense mechanism. I'd say he was a lousy defense mechanism because he was gay, but hell our dumb asses fell for it.

Now the thing that was bothering me was, if Herman was not Laina's man. And Laina was fucking Artis in the individual practice room. And Herman wasn't up there, but Herman's chair was empty. Where was Herman when Laina was fucking Artis? Did he stay at my girl's school? Did they even go there together? Why would Laina cut school, then come back on campus? She did cut school that day didn't she? Nope, she came then left. 2nd period. Fucking number 2.

You ever have a teacher back in the day that lined up the whole class, whispered something into the ear of one kid and had him pass it on, and by the time it got to the end of the line it was all jacked up? This was starting to unravel like that. Except there were too many fuckin people in the line.

I might have failed to mention that while all of this was going on, a school on the west side of town was being built (appropriately called Westside High School). The school superintendent approved of a proposal that made kids only eligible to go to their local school. As my luck would have it, Me, Laina, Jarman, Brian, and Xavier would be the only ones staying behind at Central. All the other people in this story would start the next school year at Westside. All my friends except for 3...and Laina. This meant that as a collective, we were on a short time schedule to get this shit figured out. 

Anyway, we needed to get back on this Herman angle. As friday drew closer, we decided that we'd go back to the original plan to use LaKisha at the movie theater. Since he was gay again *sigh*. My girl hadn't heard a word at her school and Maria was acting stupid according to Xavier. All we had to look forward to was the weekend with LaKisha and Alex and Nicole's return to school the following week. Jarman and Laina's thing was going well and according to him, she was a very cool person. I remind him that we're trying to dig up dirt and getting too serious about her would probably create a backlash and he'd insist we stop investigating. He assured me that he was still focused. There just wasn't a good way to come out and ask Laina about her being at my girl's school on the day in question. Or was there?

A double date. Me and my lady. He and Laina. He agreed on it.

The plan was to double date, allow my girl to get in good with Laina. They'd become friends, and my girl could bring up seeing her at school that day. This looked promising. As long as Laina didn't just deny going to my girl's school. Jarman asked her if she'd come out with him and some other friends. She said she would. The rest of the week just kinda went by without much worth mentioning.

We met at the mall. From the mall, we'd go to the movies (Laina worked there so we got in free...woohoo). At the mall, we were kinda split in 2's. Laina and my girl, and Jarman and myself. We went into the Old Navy store. There we'd find out something new about Laina. Laina liked to "boost" or in other words, steal shit. She tried to get my girl in on it, but she came away from Laina and got back with me. Laina had a folded up Old Navy bag in her purse. She found a quiet spot in the store to take it out and unfold it. She began putting fleece jackets, jeans, etc. in the bag. She handed it to Jarman. She then took another Old Navy bag out of her purse and did the same thing. This bag she'd keep for herself. My girl and I waited outside the store for them. They came out with the bags and we walked a good distance ahead of them. I escorted my girl to the bathroom while they said they were going to put the bags in Laina's car.

My girl doesn't want to be at the mall anymore. Neither of us are thieves and we don't want to get into any shit regardless of how bad we want to know about Laina. We agree to go ahead and get out of there. I'd call Jarman later and explain. He'd understand that I was just lookin out for my lady.

As we were leaving, we saw the police escorting Laina to the police station down near the army recruitment centers (where no one in the mall ever goes). She looked at us, but didn't stare (I assume she did this not to tip the cops off on us being with her). Jarman was nowhere to be found. As if the night couldn't go anymore wrong, when we came out of the mall, we looked across the parking lot to see police cars surrounding the parking lot of the movie theater. Someone had been shooting. LaKisha and Herman were ok. One guy got shot, but he pulled through. Good grief. 

When I called Jarman later, he said that he didn't want to be caught up in Laina's shit either. He threw the bag away and split on her before the police spotted the two of them. She didn't attempt to make him stay because she knew she was doing wrong. The date went terrible and we learned nothing new. 

Now, in a Hollywood movie or some shit like that, this would be the final showdown. This would be the "big hit" at the end of the movie that would work. You'd have your answers and the credits would roll. There ain't a Hollywood bone in my body and this would probably suck as a movie. After the date and LaKisha meeting Herman, this whole thing came to a stalemate. The leads stopped coming. The interest died down (a chick named Amber got caught sucking her man off on the bus on a field trip...this kinda took precedence). Then Westside was built and my friends left me there. Life went on, but the story was so strange that we'd never forget it. Nowadays if anybody brings this up, we're bound to talk for at least a couple hours about it. I wish I could give you an answer, but this is all we got. We tried our damndest. So in true RPG form...character epilogues.

Me - I'm sittin here recounting my odd life to you all on SRK. Getting married this year (to the same girl i'm with in this story). I'm an engineer and I get paid good money to do jack shit.

My girl - She's out west right now on an internship. I'm gonna marry her when she gets back.

Sherod - Now a married man and a driver for UPS. Still a hothead. And we're still the best of friends.

Alex - Engaged, but wishing he wasn't. He works for Geico and lives about 30 minutes away in Jackson, Georgia with his fiance.

Jarman - Went to Albany State on a basketball scholarship. Didn't go pro. I haven't seen him since graduation day.

Brian - Working at the McDonald's inside of Wal Mart. Still laughs at everything.

Xavier - Has a son now. Sells refrigerators and washing machines at Best Buy. Still speaking his mind.

Herman - In med school. Heard he smokes weed now. Cockblocked me at a party once when I was trying to fuck Persandra in the backseat of my car. I'll fill you in another time.

Wayne - Your guess is as good as mine.

Nicole - Passed away from a tumor she didn't even know she had. She was still on speaking terms with Alex and would have been getting married in June of this year to Jarman's older brother. R.I.P.

LaKisha - Somewhere knocked up.

Laina - Somewhere in Atlanta. Graduated when I did (barely). She had a myspace page that she hadn't visited since March of last year. I tried to contact her with no success. Tom was her only friend.

Hope you guys enjoyed it. 


01-08-2007, 02:52 PM 
Cockblock of the Century!

Persandra was Herman's next door neighbor. She was a tad bit on the short side, but fine as all get out. She had a bronze skintone and some D-cups. She was silly as hell and laughed at just about everything I said. I had to have her. Sherod knew her since they were kids growing up in the same neighborhood. He told me stories about how tight she and Herman were. Herman didn't take part in ANY activities with the fellas. Only came outside for Persandra. 

This takes place in July of 2003. July 25, 2003 as a matter of fact. It was Sherod's birthday. If we didn't go to a club for his birthday, he'd throw a birthday party in his Aunt's huge basement. This year we would take the basement. Sherod's Aunt lives in the same neighborhood as Herman and Persandra. In fact, they were both walking distance away from Sherod's aunt. Sherod called around and made the invites as usual and gave me the freedom to bring anyone of my choosing. I tell him to hell with that...i'd use this opportunity to bang Persandra. He invites her and things are set into motion.

When I arrive at the party, I notice Herman's car parallel-parked in front of the house. I know it's his because of the fuckin 2-story antenna he has in the back of it. Back in high school, we used to joke that he couldn't go under bridges or drive-thru's with it, and that he'd take it off his car and "rod himself out" with it (we were young, I know that's some ugly shit to say). 2 questions come to mind:

1) Who the fuck invited Herman?
2) Why didn't he just walk here?

Screw it, I park behind his car and walk in and meet and greet with everybody. Persandra is sitting on a couch with Herman yapping in her ear. When I walk in, she cut him off in the middle of his sentence and stood up to come greet me. She's wearing the hell out of her dress. Herman had on tight ass khaki's instead of the usual jeans. He gives me the little "sup" nod from the couch. I go and speak to the birthday man and give him his gift. He puts me back on track "PK (Persandra's nickname. I'll use it from now on.) is lookin good homey. Do your thing." So as I turn to get back with her, Herman has stood up and come over to PK to talk her ear off some more. Without being rude, I stand there and wait for Herman to shut up so I can take care of business.

He doesn't shut up. And he sees me standing there waiting for her attention.

I turn and walk off and figure i'll give it more time before I have to strongarm her away from him. I had just got there anyway. As I walk off though, she follows me and asks me to dance. I tell her we can do that later, I needed a beer. She said she could use one too, so we got some brews and had a seat to chat. Herman hits the cooler after us and grabs one for himself and goes back to his original spot on the couch.

I know I can make her laugh at will, so I use this to my advantage as we sit and talk (and drink). When we got up to dance (slow jam!), I knew she felt the same way I did. Some of my friends literally stopped dancing with their dates to see this chick working me over. After we dance for a while, we take our drunk asses outside. I asked if we could shoot up to her place, that was a negative. Her mom was home. I had a 4-door Nissan back in those days and plenty of room in the backseat, so we figured no one would miss us inside.

I was wrong. Apparently Herman had something SO important to tell her that he came outside and saw us in my car. At this point, I was fingering her and she had unzipped my pants. Her mouth was about [ ] from my joint when I look over and see Herman walking up. What the hell?! I can tell he's drunk. And it wasn't cool when he looked through the glass STRAIGHT at my dick  >:( 

PK asks him what the hell he wants through the closed window. It's even more obvious he's drunk at this point. "What are you doing out here with him? Don't you know he has a girlfriend?" I get zipped back up and figure I can open the door, hitting him hard as hell with it, then get out and kick his ass across the front yard. Before I make my move, she tells Herman to "mind his fucking business and go back in the house." Yay! She has no morals! He then says the party is lame and that he's gonna go home. He takes special care to say that she'll have to walk home. Nice try, idiot. She lives walking distance away anyways.

So as he's going to his car, she sees how upset I am and tells me not to worry. That we can still do something. I slide the straps off her dress of her shoulders so I can see those 2 big ass kickballs on her chest. She reaches around to undo her bra and as SOON as I see a nipple....

Herman's drunk ass backs into my car.

I'm at the "no more words" point as I get out of my car. When I step out to head toward his car, the nigga pulls off. I snatch the mile high antenna off as his car leaves. I look at my car and see no dents. His paint is on my bumper, but that's the extent of it. My car was damn near through anyway (my boy Shinkuu R can vouch for that). I immediately go back to open the door to salvage some pussy from this shit. She's fully dressed again. She says to just take her number and we could set up a more "formal appointment" another time. We go back inside and I tell Sherod what the dumbass did. He's always ready to jump somebody "We can get that bitch if you want to homey!" I tell Sherod that i'm gonna let it slide because PK is still gonna let me hit that. The rest of the night goes on with us cracking on Herman. This led to a 'Laina' flashback that lasted a few hours. Telling anybody that wasn't initiated the story, and speculating about the truth.

I'd end up getting PK at her house one day. She was great and worth the wait. Looked like Herman was at home next door, but noticed my car and didn't want to get fucked up. He didn't interrupt us. I saw her at 'First friday' a couple months ago and she doesn't look as good now. She also acts like she doesn't want to be bothered with me. She ended up dating a guy we went to school with for several years. He beat her a lot. She had just left him. That's all I know.


01-08-2007, 08:32 PM 
Ford Tough.

This takes place in my freshman year of high school. When life was easy. Sort of. You see, when I first got to my high school, the school was split up into 2 buildings. You had the A building and across the street, you had the B building. Coming into the school, I had my first 2 classes in the A building, but after that i'd alternate between the A building and the B building for the rest of my classes. This was tiresome, but it always gave me an excuse to be late. Since we had to walk across the soccer field before getting to the street (coming from the A building), the wide open spaces also gave way to a lot of "sight-seeing". I affectionately called this the "Phone Number Farm" as I made it my mission to run into at least 1 hottie everyday outside and get the digits on the way to a class. All my friends were there, I didn't know who Laina was yet, and though I had a class with Mrs. Lockett, all was good. A year later, they would turn the A building into a middle school and we just had building B.

Now in my freshman year of high school, Surge had come out. You guys remember that green soda from back in the day that Coke made? What the hell happened to it? Anyway, one friday after it had come out, A line of Coke-labeled pickup trucks was full of Surge and parked in front of the gym over at the B building. There was plenty to go around so we took what we wanted. 

Now seeing as we had to cross a street, we had a crossing guard. It was usually Otis. Need I remind you, this was around the time Martin was still on tv and going strong. The kids gave him a hard time about his name being Otis and him wearing the same exact colored uniform Martin wore on the show. He was standing out in the road leading students across when the Surge trucks were there. Since we had all stuffed our bookbags full of Surge, a girl named Laiya (la-ee-uh) thought it would be funny to hit Mr. Otis with a can of surge. She lined him up and hurled a can into the street. The can hit Otis dead in the head and busted open. Kids in the street froze with suprise and started laughing.

Otis turned toward the B building where we were and started charging toward where the trucks were with his pepper spray drawn. This made all the kids turn around and run back toward the classrooms. Laiya, however, turned around a little too fast without looking where she was going. She ran headlong into the Coke truck and passed out on her back. We hauled ass, so I didn't see what Otis did when he got up to the trucks, but Laiya didn't get in trouble. No one snitched on her and no one got maced. 


01-10-2007, 01:59 PM 
Soul in the (other) hole.

This one takes place right after I graduated high school. My boy Rodriguez threw a party for the hell of it (he had graduated a year earlier). As there was no official graduation party anywhere (that didn't suck ass), most of the crowd I hung with showed up to this one. It was at the Crowne Plaza. The only 'high-end' hotel in Macon, Georgia. They have a pool up on the roof so he rented the roof and a couple rooms directly under it.

I show up and go straight to the coolers. I had decided that on that particular night, I'd drink Miller Lite's by the 2's to get drunk quicker. There was scattered ass everywhere, but for some reason I can't figure out, I wasn't pursuing any ass. I just wanted to get wasted. Then Heather shows up. Heather went to the private school that Sherod's girl went to (from the Laina story). She was a year behind me so she was about to be a senior. Very good looking, but in my mind she was off limits because she used to date my boy Alex (until she caught him cheating). She comes over to speak to me, so I politely hand her the beer that I hadn't drank out of yet. She started grinning and shit as if I was holding it just for her. Fuck that, I went to the cooler and grabbed another for my lonely hand.

Now, after she broke up with Alex, she had been asking Sherod (who is at this party mind you. He's the one that hooked her up with Alex) about me. Weird shit like where I work, what I was doing after graduation, was I going to my prom, etc. Now my ass may be dumb, but i'm not a dumbass. I know where she was trying to go with these questions, but I don't think it's right to fuck with your friend's ex's....

Alcohol knows no boundaries however....

As i'm gettin smashed (she's still holding that same beer), she's pushing up on me and what not. Sherod notices this with his drunk ass and sits on the other side of me. He says loud and clear "I'm going to kick your ass if you don't fuck her." Right there where she and I could hear him. I look over at Heather and she's sitting there with her mouth open and a look of suprise. Not a trace of anger or being offended though. Which implied that she agreed. Being that I wasn't drunk enough to forget that she used to date Alex, I needed 2 more Miller's.

We go down to one of the rooms Rodriguez had rented out. The coast was clear, so we went in and locked the door, got naked, cut off the lights, and got to it. Remember what I said about alcohol being progressive in your system? Turns out by the time I started hitting her doggy style, I was more drunk than I thought. I passed out and went to sleep on her back....

Picture that for a second. A fine ass half-black/half-spanish SOBER chick with her head on a pillow and ass in the air. With a drunk ass idiot that should be wearing her out, sleeping on her back, dick still inside her. When you can paint this fucked up image in your head, continue with the story.

To my suprise, she politely stayed in that position, wide awake and dead sober. For about 10 minutes she says. I'm on top of the bitch SNORING FOR 10 MINUTES!!!!! She then sees fit to wake me up. I jump up like a nigga caught sleeping on his job by management and hurried to continue fucking her. As I picked myself up off her back, my dick came out. I hurried to put it back in....

And went in the wrong hole. And thinking it was her pussy, I was NOT gentle.

She let out this blood-curdling scream and said "SHIT! NOT THERE GODDAMMIT!"

I couldn't apologize enough. I was stunned by how much pain she was in and by the fact that I had just went in someone's back door.

It didn't take long for her to settle down and she asked me to continue. I didn't fall asleep anymore and did my work with care. As we came out of the room, the hallway was full of people from the party. They had heard Heather when she screamed apparently. When they see my face, they go to laughing their ass off. I used to joke around back in the day about a special move I had during sex called "soul in the hole" (which I now call "poetry in motion"), Rodriguez says "Oh, so you tryin to put soul in the other hole now, stuckey?" More laughing. I look at Heather, she looks back at me and shakes her head. She isn't getting any flack for this. It's all coming down on me.

But that's alright. I still fucked her. 


01-11-2007, 01:22 PM 
My boy Sherod read my Laina story. As I figured I would, I forgot some details. It involves Festival (I made mention of it and didn't even give yall the rundown on it). After I finish this, Sherod and I both will post some meaningless speculation that we've been tossing around all these years.

So...

Legend of Laina (continued)

This takes place after the mall/movie theater debacle. I explained in the story that Festival is a yearly optional event for high school bands in georgia. the winner of Festival gets funding for the school and a school-wide pizza party. Since all we had to do that day, was show up to school and get on a bus going to Atlanta, it appeared that everybody was present and accounted for. Herman, Laina, Sherod, Alex, Nicole (her suspension had ended. she didn't get to practice any of the festival pieces, but those clarinets need all the help they can get). All of us. We showed up that morning and would be called from our homeroom class to board the buses. 

Usually when we traveled, we'd need 2 buses. 1 bus could fit all the students, but we'd need another for all our instruments and shit. We packed snare drums, bass drums, tubas, etc. into the 2nd bus and hopped on the bus up front. The drum line bumrushed the back of the bus so we could clown around all the way to Atlanta. On the way there, the bus driver was nice enough to turn on the stereo. This is back when you still heard anything good on the radio. We caught Yatara (i'm not even kidding...this girl is named Yatara. Sounds like something out of mortal kombat), rapping a Goodie Mob song which kinda caught us off guard. We cracked on her mercilessly.

You see, Yatara was that one girl at your school that wasn't in special ed, but you somehow think they just overlooked her. The girl you wanted to just walk into the special ed trailer and be like "hey! you forgot one!" Her face was incredibly long, almost completely covered with acne. She never combed her hair. She used to talk to herself all the time (she had imaginary friends that we'd catch her talking to in band class...we saw it all from the percussion section remember?) and you could expect to get yelled at anytime you said anything to her. We were defensive little boys and girls and let it get to us. So we decided to crack jokes on her all through high school.

Anyway, seeing her rapping a song to herself threw us off because we didn't think she listened to stuff like that. We mockingly cheered her on for a while until somebody from the back of the bus said "shut yo ass up!" The bus exploded into laughter. Somehow during all the excitement, I wanted to ask Nicole what she knew about this Laina situation. I still had a small glimmer of hope that we could solve this thing at that point, but my patience was wearing very thin. Nicole was sitting next to Alex (where else?) so I make a motion to get Alex's attention. When he looks in my direction, I point to Nicole, do the "talking" motion with my hand (you know the pac-man looking motion?), then I do the blowjob motion which back then straight up meant LAINA. I'm telling you, this girl was famous and she didn't even know it. So I didn't have to point to Laina as I said this, which is good...

...because she was sitting toward the front of the bus looking dead at me.

You know the pic of Carl Weathers from Predator that Colguile rocks as his avatar? That was me when I glanced over and caught Laina looking straight at me. Either she didn't catch the whole thing, or she thought I was trying to tell Alex that Nicole would blow him because she didn't react to it. She smiled and waved as she usually did when I'd see her at school. That was a relief. I'd get with Alex when we got off the bus and see what info he could get. Now I didn't notice this when I caught glimpse of Laina at first, but Herman wasn't sitting next to her. He was sitting directly behind the instructor, draped over the seat talking to him about some shit. Those damn 1st chairs (leader of an instrument section, they sat in the first chair closest to the audience so you'd hear them the clearest. for all you people that never got in the band) were all suck-ups.

She was sitting next to Isaac. Isaac was on our sorry ass football team, but he was one of those guys that actually had school spirit. In fact, he works at our old high school right now. Didn't look like they were doing much talking, but something would happen with those two when we got to Atlanta that just didn't set right with me. 

Ok, so we make it to Atl. Our first order of business is to pull around to the back of the building (this HUGE ass high school. going back to our school after Festival we kinda felt unloved. this school was fuckin gargantuan), and unload all our instruments and shit. Like I said, this school is huge and kids are between classes so after stopping to let them walk past a couple times, it took a few minutes to get where we needed to be. We hop off the first bus and unload the equipment from the second bus onto this docking area in the back of the school. 

During the unloading, I ask Alex what he found out from Nicole. Same as Artis, she didn't know anything about Laina other than her involvement with Artis that day in the individual practice room. Same as Artis, she believed there was some truth to her sucking dick for 2 dollars. But had never heard of her sucking 2 dicks at once. I was counting on her even more than I was everybody else. Remember, this is where the mystery all began. Her comment about flunking because she can't keep dick out of her mouth. I had high hopes that maybe there was a specific reason she would say that. There wasn't though. She was just pissed.

After we do that, we go back around to the front of the school where the buses would be when it was time to go home. Everyone for the most part took their same seats. By for the most part, I mean everyone except Laina and Isaac. At this point i'm numb to her popping up missing. I think back to how suspicious they looked sitting together. They didn't say a word to one another the whole time (that I saw). Isaac was looking out the window and Laina was sitting with her feet out in the aisle looking around and talking to other people. Now I don't see them. There was a white boy sitting in the seat they sat in by himself.

We get back around to the front of the building and get off the bus. First we'd go to the practice room to warm up as we waited our turn to get on stage. Since i'm in the back of the bus, I know for a fact that Laina and Isaac weren't on there because I didn't see them get off. As we get to the entrance of the school though, I see them up near the front. Now, i'm wondering if they didn't get off the bus, did they stay on the 2nd bus after we finished unloading? Did they go further into the building and "run into us" as we were ready to go in? I know the both of them have been here before because Sherod and Alex went to festival their freshman year when I was still in middle school. It was at this same high school back then. I try to block all that shit out of my head. I don't want to deal with it anymore because shit keeps changing as I said before.

I did notice that after all was said and done and we were boarding the buses, that Isaac had gone the whole time at Festival with his fly unzipped... 

I'm gonna post comments from all involved as I get them. I'll probably get into arguments with them over this shit (we take the legend seriously), but it's for yall's entertainment.

My take - I definitely think there's some truth to her blowing guys for 2 bucks. Whether that is the exact price or not, I don't know. The number 2 seemed to fly around a lot in Laina's case. Also, from how she acted at the mall, she seemed very business oriented. Jarman later told me that when she was in Old Navy stealing shit, she wasn't stealing all women's clothes. And all the stuff she was stealing wasn't her size. I guess she was gonna sell this shit on the street or something. So I had her pegged as a hustler. Just using what she had to get what she wanted.

Sherod's take - Agrees, but at the same time, the source that he and Alex got the 2 dicks at once thing from (Rodriguez) is a very reliable source. Reason being because he was easily one of the most popular guys at the school and was pretty much up on everything. He'd have no reason to put some false shit out in the air like that. We grew up with him, so we trust him.

Xavier's take - Believes she did the 2 dicks at once thing. Reason being, he thinks that some girls secretly wish to turn out a gay guy. This is what she hoped to do when she blew Herman and Marcus at my girl's school (which we still can't prove). He can't seem to explain how word got around from all the way at my girl's school, to our school though. So his theory is kinda baseless for now.

Alex's take - Believes that it didn't stop at blowjobs. How she knew to bring Artis up to the individual practice room (Artis wasn't in the band, therefore probably didn't know about them) is his reason. Believes she had him bring that blanket. And when he left it, she took other "customers" up there to get down on it. Also says he would have gladly paid to hit that. Me, I just wanted them JAWS. Fuckin SOUP COOLERS, DIRT DEVIL, ETC.

Aric (traditionally spelled Eric)'s take - Believes she did it then and believes she STILL does it to an extent now. He tells me she's in school up in Kennesaw, Ga. I know several people going to school there. If anything's going down up there anytime soon, i'll see if I can't get up there and find her. Solve this shit once and for all!

Andrea (my fiance)'s take - Based on Laina and Herman being at her school, and knowing how NOT to be found by campus police, she believes there was some kinda 3 way action involving Laina, Herman, and Marcus. She also thinks I should leave the poor girl alone and leave it in the past. (She doesn't know I wrote the story on here. There's no way in hell i'm letting her read anything on this site. I'm a dead man if she sees the stories i've been posting).


01-11-2007, 06:48 PM 
George of the Front Yard.

Well, the well is drying up a bit (only a bit), so I have to go all the way back to 6th grade. I went to a majority white school at this time and I must say the best part about having a bunch of white friends at that school, was the birthday parties. You see, I didn't come up in a very priviledged environment growing up. My mom worked 2-3 jobs at a time and my dad was strung out on dope. He'd smoke my Nintendo right after I got it for my birthday, smoked my bicycle before I learned how to ride it (to this day, I still can't ride a bike), etc. So when i'd go to these kids' houses for birthday parties it was like another world. Games with prizes (that were worth something), good food (not taking you to burger king and lettin you put that stupid cardboard crown on), and a huge house, usually with a pool, to party in.

This one takes place right before we got out of 6th grade. It would be the last of these awesome birthday parties i'd ever go to. It was Ricky's birthday. As usual, they'd hand out the professionally typed cards inviting you to the party with directions on the back and everything. So I get there, and right when I go into the back yard where the pool is, Ricky's mom welcomes me to the party with a huge smile and hands me a big ass Super Soaker (I took yall back then didn't I? SUPER SOAKERS BITCH!). At first, I thought maybe this would be something I could play with while I was there, but she immediately told me "This is yours to keep! All the kids are around back by the pool." I damn near fainted. This wasn't the plain jane super soaker here. This was the big ass one that was out around that time. I was amazed that there were people that had it so good. Ricky's mom stayed there and talked to my mom for a while and I went around the back.

Ricky's dad was around back flipping burgers and shit on 2 grills at once with the same big smile Ricky's mom had. The kids were going to war with the waterguns and what not. We do that for a while, eat, sing happy birthday, cut the cake, yada yada yada. This happened in 6th grade so I can't remember all this fully. I'll never forget what happened when we went outside after dark to play hide and go seek in their huge ass neighborhood. 

Now Ricky's front yard was about the size of a damn football field. There were a lot of trees to the left side of it away from the garage, but not many on the other side. The rules were we could use the whole block (of course the neighborhood was safe), but insted of tagging someone, we had to shoot em with the super soaker. Base was Ricky's front porch. This made it very interesting because if you caught someone hiding, you had to sneak off and quietly "pump" the super soaker up a couple hundred times before you could hit them. 

One time, I was it. I started roaming around the neighborhood looking for someone. I end up in the neighbor's yard on the side of Ricky's house furthest from the garage. I catch someone trying to go into this neighbor's back yard. I try to pump the gun as quietly as I can, but as soon as I cocked it once, he heard me. He immediately turned left and bolted for the porch. He took off through the trees while I ran after him "jacking off" the super soaker trying to get enough pressure up to hit him. I glanced down at the gun as I was running and when I looked back up, I saw a fuckin opossum (however you spell that shit) hanging upside down in a tree. I had never seen one before in person, and NEVER that close. I turned screaming to run the other way.

Remember Laiya? Surge story? 3 years earlier I had done the same thing, but it was a big ass tree. And my mouth was wide open because I was screaming.

I hit the tree hard as hell and thought I had knocked a tooth out. I checked with my tongue but I hadn't lost any. I looked down and saw that I had broke my super soaker. I told myself oh well...my dad would've probably smoked it anyways and stood up. I was pretty disoriented so I didn't feel like playing hide and go seek anymore. They hid for a while longer before they saw me sittin on the porch holding my head. I didn't play anymore, I just sat there and watched everybody else until my mom arrived. Before I left, Ricky's mom gave me a whole other super soaker that she had because she expected more kids to show up.

It's funny how shit like this can effect you when you get older. TO THIS VERY DAY. I can NOT under ANY circumstance, visit the gatekeeper in the Onimusha games. You remember the creepy dude that lets you go to the dark realm and hangs from the ceiling? No sir, if I see someone playing Onimusha and they're heading toward where he is, I will leave the room. Swear to god. ShinkuuR knows what i'm talking about. That thing scares me to death. And it's a fuckin video game character.



01-13-2007, 06:11 AM 
Boogerbear Bottom.

I told yall about the Janitor at the TJ Maxx I used to work at. His name was Harold. 50 years old on the dot. Like I said before, he could have had several jazz albums and shit out now. He was that good with a saxophone. The alcohol got ahold of him and didn't let go though. The women that worked there hated him. He, at some point or another, tried to fuck EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. Married, Ugly, Underage, Management, All of the above. He didn't care. If they had a cooch, he tried to dig them out. He'd also eat people's (WHOLE) lunches if they sat them in the refrigerator while he was cleaning up the breakroom. I pretty much was the only one in the store that stood up for him. He lusted for women so bad, that he'd stand guard at the restroom while I screwed a couple of them and all I had to do was tell him the details afterwards (which boosted my ego so it was cool). There was one particular lady out there that he never gave up on though. He swore up and down he had a shot at her. Her name was Sheryl.

Sheryl was quite the character. First off, she was deaf. While she did know fluent sign language, she used to always talk to us. Of course it sounded strange like you'd assume, but after a while, we could make out the words (depending on her mood, if she was cursing you out, there's no way in hell you could keep up). She lived with her boyfriend (of about 10 years. Also deaf, she wouldn't marry him so they could keep getting seperate checks) and 2 kids. She worked in the stock room where I did (my last few months of working there, I went full-time) along with Andrea (not my fiance Andrea), and Tomika. The 2 of them always egged Harold on about getting at Sheryl. Of course, she was no different from the other women in that she hated his guts. He'd always take heed to Andrea and Tomika's claims that Sheryl secretly liked him and he messed with her daily.

One day, seemingly unlike any other, Harold came into the stock room to holla at Sheryl. With Andrea and Tomika in the background cheering him on as usual, i'm concentrating on doing my work. Sheryl is very nice to him on this day. TOO nice actually. It kinda caught Harold off guard at first, but being the smooth pimp he was, he settled down and started macking on her. Andrea and Tomika were stunned. It stopped being funny to them because Sheryl wasn't going apeshit on him as she usually did (i know it's wrong, but it was hilarious hearing Sheryl curse someone out...it was usually Harold). I took interest to this and decided that i'd help him anyway I could since he looked out for me while I did my thing from time to time. She eventually invited him to her house after work that day. Very strange, but it wouldn't stop there.

You see, Harold got off after we did and he didn't have a car. He couldn't hitch a ride with Sheryl because she'd be gone by the time he got off. I offered to go hang out at the mall, which was across the street, until he got off then i'd ride him over there. It seemed Harold was finally gonna score him some. We also decided that if Sheryl's boyfriend were to show up, i'd help whoop his ass (we were boys like that). So, when I pick him up from work and ask him what area she stays in. He tells me...

Boogerbear Bottom.

It's just about as fucked up as it sounds in Boogerbear Bottom. It always smells like dead bodies on that side of town. You can smell it even if you're riding through with your windows up. The most fucked up thing about Boogerbear Bottom, and I dare anybody top this...

A one-way dead-end street. *pause for effect* A ONE WAY, DEAD END, STREET. Ain't that some shit?

Anyway, he's my boy so I say to hell with it. We get into the neighborhood and he directs me to her house. There's a old black Delta 88 in the front yard with grass growing up through the hood of the car. A white Plymouth Neon (which Sheryl drove) in the driveway. Trees surrounded the house and made it dark. Weeds and shit everywhere. Something straight out of a horror story. After I dropped Harold off, I was hauling ass. He got out of the car and said thanks. I told him he had to give me details the next day at work. I back out of the driveway and head home.

I get up to the first stop sign, and before I can pull off, I see Harold in the middle of the street behind me hauling ASS. Then, I see 2 dogs come into view behind him. One was a big black chow, the other a pit bull. I sit there at the stop sign so he can jump in the car when he makes it up there. By the time he got to my car, the dogs had gained on him too good so he had to keep running. He stood about 6'7" and was mad lanky. He could probably run across a whole football field in just a few strides. All I could do was get the fuck out of Boogerbear Bottom and pray that i'd see Harold alive and well at work the next day.

And the next day I did see Harold, alive and well. He usually wore a straw hat, but it was gone (dog lunch). When he walked into the stock room, Sheryl, Andrea, and Tomika busted out laughing. Apparently, Sheryl sic'ed the dogs on him as soon as she came to the door. She had planned it all along and told Andrea and Tomika the details the next morning. I felt bad for the guy and was about to tell the three of them off.

But Harold walked up to Sheryl with a big smile on his face and went right back to trying to mack her. Just goes to show, you can't keep a good man down. 



01-14-2007, 11:06 PM 
uncle junior.

this isnt really a story. this just deals with some of the comedy my oldest uncle has provided me and my family with over the years. check it out:

- my uncle junior is 60 years old. pretty tall and very chubby. me, i'm a short dude. have toned down a lot over the last several years so i have an athletic build. so how is it my uncle junior wears my hand-me-downs? not only that. i hand him down stuff thats played out as well as stuff that is too small for me. TOO SMALL FOR ME. i'm 5'10" and he's 6'5" easy. you can imagine how my old FUBU AND WU-WEAR fit on him. again, he's 60.

- my uncle junior hit the lottery once. seven thousand dollars. he'd walk around with his lottery check in his shirt pocket asking the family what he should do with it. at the time, he was living in my grandmother's old house and paying her rent. everyone in the family suggested he pay the house off. but did he? hell no. he bought....

a bus.

a big school bus. he had it painted blue. you see, he had the idea to buy a bus and go into business for himself. he'd have people pay him to get on the bus and drive them around, single-handedly owning the macon transit authority..

junior, you need a license for that.

oops...well at least he got around better. before the bus, he drove a half-white half-red ford pickup truck. the bus eventually broke down in my grandmother's driveway and anytime we visited we had to park on the grass for at least 5 years.

- one time, when me and the family were in the house sleep at 5 am, we awoke to the sound of a lawnmower. i guessed it was junior. we looked out the window, i was right. it was junior riding around the front yard on a lawnmower. no one invited him to do so. after he finished (with the front yard, completely ignoring the back), he came to the door and charged my mom 400 dollars. 400 DOLLARS FOR THE FRONT YARD. AND HE HAD A RIDING LAWNMOWER. my mom of course refused to pay a dime since he wasnt asked to cut the grass. he stood on the porch and cried. cried nigga..

- one day he asked me to email the commissioner of the NFL to see about getting him a job. not kidding.

- any of you remember web tv? the little aparatus you could hook up to your tv set and surf the internet? there was a gang of infomercials for that thing. well, my uncle had been in a car wreck. he used his 5,000 dollar settlement check to buy as many of these things as he could (like 15 of them). he'd be a door to door salesman and jack the prices up on them ps3 style.

junior, the infomercials advertise them for a cheaper price. and nobody wants that shit either.

oops...the thing is obsolete now and he didnt sell a single one. not even to a family member. he still has all 15 stacked up at his apartment. any of you guys want one? didnt think so. he cried about this also. the nigga cried homes.

- speaking of web tv, he could use one for himself right? nah not really. you see, my uncle has 3 tv's. none of them work right. they're stacked on top of one another. i'm not kidding, one has picture but no sound. one has a working left speaker but no right. one has a working right speaker but no left. he stacked them up to get the whole "working tv set " experience. no cable though.

- my uncle has narcolepsy. you know where you fall asleep randomly? one morning he went to sleep in a rocking chair. he was explaining something to my grandmother and had his right hand in the air above his head. i kid you not, he went to sleep mid-sentence and his arm stayed right there in the air for a good half hour. (i'll draw a diagram later. typing this from my phone).

- my girl is wearing my engagement ring. i've been with her since 5TH GRADE. junior still hits on her. she thinks its hilarious and tells her friends about it. she must not know that he's serious. 


01-15-2007, 01:38 PM 
Liyha and Tanya (the sequel?!)

This happened just this morning after I got off work. Every other morning, I leave work and go to my gym to work out some (if i'm not too tired). So I get to the gym, change into my sweats and hit the eliptical. I'm on it for about 15 minutes and in comes Liyha. Remember the 3some story I posted? Liyha is the girl that helped me with that, the one that damn near ripped my dick off with my zipper. (Pic below if you missed it the first time). She comes in with Tanya, the chick that joined in the festivities with us. I had only seen her once after we did it.

Liyha comes in with a sweatsuit on. Even in the sweatshirt, you can see her rack. I think back to happy times when I used to hit that on a regular basis. You see, since i'm getting married soon i've long since cut out the extracurricular activities. She saw me and immediately came up to where I was. Tanya went to sit along the wall just past the entrance of the gym. She's not dressed to exercise and she looks VERY pissed. Liyha and I are catching up on old times. She asks me how i'm liking my new job, why my phone is always off, etc. I explain that when i'm at work my phone gets no service unless I walk out into the parking lot. She says she thought I was trying to drop her since we weren't screwing anymore. "Now would I do something like that?" she didn't answer, just smiled.

I ask her what's up with Tanya and she says that her boyfriend came into the club and tried to kick her ass the night before and that Tanya couldn't go home because he was still out looking for her. Sounds bad, so I don't try to wave her up to where I am to chat with her. Liyha hops on the eliptical next to me and starts her workout. About 10 minutes into it, a dark green Caprice pulls up in front of the gym with some ugly ass rims on it. Tanya sees this and hops up from where she's sitting. "That's her man" Liyha says. So I stop the eliptical and get ready to get off because if he comes in swinging on her, i'll take care of it.

When he walks in, Tanya goes to work on him. ON HIM. She drove his head into a magazine rack right there in the doorway and started kickin him in his ass and everything. Liyha and I go down to break them up and I see some of the gym staff coming toward them also. We get Tanya off of the dude. And some staff members escort him out. A chick explains to us that they saw the whole thing, and while we didn't start it, they think it best that we leave. There's usually a lot of people in the gym that time of morning and they sometimes have visits from corporate office and such. We understand this, so we leave. In the parking lot, I try to think of a way to calm Tanya down and keep everybody in a good mood. I offer to take them to breakfast.

We get up to the Cracker Barrell and get seats. I tell them to order whatever they want, on me. It's MLK day, nobody should be sad and pissed (at least that's how I was looking at it). We go back to talking and Tanya joins in. Tanya doesn't know much about me outside of the fact that I fucked her and Liyha both one awesome night long ago. Besides stuff Liyha has told her about me. Therefore, it's really the only thing she can talk about. She's pretty straightforward and says "it's a good thing you offered to take us out to eat because you owe me anyway." I ask her what she means. "When we were fuckin, you didn't pay me enough attention". I jokingly tell her attention is something she's gotta earn. 

You see, I have a weakness. One that's all too familiar with the people of SRK. That Asian Persuasion kinda gets to me. Liyha is half chinese and she has huge tits. Even though I had had her numberous times before, during the 3some, I still kinda favored her more. Now don't get me wrong, Tanya is gorgeous. A bit on the skinny side and curses a lot, but very pretty in the face and very "talented". Anyway, she continues clowning me about how i'm not right and I owed her and all this shit. I ask her if breakfast was sufficient to repay her. She says "Yeah. I think so." As we're eating, I notice Liyha kinda glaring at me. With that same look I know i'd had earlier when she walked into the gym. Thinking back on the good ol days. I ignore it. I don't do shit like that anymore. This is just to take their minds off the brawl earlier.

Then Tanya gets up from her seat (sitting next to Liyha) and sits next to me. "You know what? I don't think breakfast is enough. I was hurt emotionally when you didn't pay me any attention" Liyha starts laughing. I start feeling like shit because I know in my weakness, i'll end up hittin that. Liyha tries to help me by saying "Bitch, get back over here. He's engaged." Tanya says "And?" My stomach starts to hurt with the guilt. Liyha knows what i'm thinking. Still trying to help me, she justifies it by saying "Well, look at it this way, it's the only way any of us are gonna get a work out."

I pay the bill and we leave the resturant. Liyha stays in an apartment complex not even 5 minutes away from the Cracker Barrell or the gym (no time to renig). We get in her place, and Tanya pulls me to the bedroom. Liyha's still laughing. Somewhere in there it becomes apparent to me that either she got aroused from kicking her man's ass earlier or she felt like she was getting back at him through me. I wondered if Liyha was going to come into the room (believe me, I was hoping she would). I hear the door close behind us and Liyha says "You just won't do right, will you nigga?" YES! SHE'S IN HERE! ANOTHER THREESOME (with the same exact 2 girls but who the fuck cares?!)! 

Now throughout the ordeal, I paid special attention to not "cheat" Tanya. It was even more obvious that she was still amped from the fight earlier. She was very aggressive and kept saying "give me what you owe me". It was pretty funny to hear her still saying the shit with my joint in her mouth with Liyha eating her out. She meant business. At one point (best feeling ever), I was titty-fuckin Liyha while Tanya was lickin my joint. It didn't take long after that. I came so h0rd that I STILL have a headache from it. As I was leaving, Liyha started cracking up and saying that I'm dead wrong. Trust me, I know.

Sometimes I think God is up there charging up a Karma blast similar to Ryu's #3 super art. When I least expect it, BANG! GOT YO DUMB ASS! Oh well. The feeling will go away. I just hope this is was my last "outside romp" Thanks for reading 



01-16-2007, 07:30 PM 
Being Pissed Off is Better Than Being Pissed On.

This takes place my freshman year of college. Georgia Southern University in lovely Statesboro, Ga. First time I passed out drunk, got burned by a chick (another story perhaps), and made my first C. Statesboro, Ga is more or less the devil. Nowhere to get a part-time job. Joke of a mall (that I only went to twice). Nothing to do but drink, fuck, and schoolwork. This night would be one for drinking.

I'm drinkin with my roommate Mike and his boy Robbie at Robbie's place. We're drinkin screwdrivers (vodka and OJ) and playin MvC2 and Soul Calibur. This was my first time drinking clear liquor. I didn't think it was a big difference, but I don't handle that shit well at all. It didn't take long for me to start feeling sick and shit. Mike and Robbie being the raging alcoholics they were, start clowning on me. In my inebriated state, this made me very angry. I went on to curse Mike and Robbie out (in Robbie's own apartment mind you) and told them not to say shit else to me. A few moments later I passed out on the living room floor. 

When I woke up, there were more people there. The whole room burst into laughter when I woke up. I didn't remember what was going on so I didn't give a fuck. All I knew was that I had to piss BAD. So bad that I didn't even try to go to the bathroom. I opened the sliding door in the living room and stepped out onto the balcony. There was a guy sitting out there on his cell phone. To hell with that. I unzip my fly and piss off the 3rd floor balcony. It felt awesome. I turned around and went back in and got back into the MvC2 rotation and started whoopin ass. I went back to beers for the rest of the night and everybody drank and played Marvel until dawn.

My freshman year of college, I didn't have my car in Statesboro with me so I rode to Robbie's with Mike. We walk out to go to his car and there's a strong odor floating through the air. Smells like...urine. Upon closer examination, we concluded that when I pissed off the balcony the night before, I pissed all over Mike's car. I washed AND waxed it out of guilt. Fuck clear liquor. 


01-16-2007, 10:08 PM 
Lookin for Bin Laden? You can probably find him with Google.

Google is some POWERFUL shit. In some of ShinkuuR's stories, you might have noticed him mentioning a character by the name "footsie". While he has some stories of his own about the guy explaining that nickname, here's mine.

Me and my boy Calvin were drinking and playin Gran Turismo 4 one night. Not shit else to do, and we were kinda low on cash so I picked up a 12 pack and we started playing and gettin wasted. I was sitting right in front of my computer at the time, so in between races, i'd be fooling around on the computer and shit. At one point, footsie sends me an IM. Now, he and Calvin are friends, but Calvin sometimes has issues with the guy. You see, as far as video games are concerned, the dude is cocky as hell. He invests so much time into fighting games (Tekken especially) that he can consistently beat his friends (myself included, but I hate Tekken. VF for life niggas.). He breaks every fighting game down to this complicated BORING science and always tries to give us tips while he's kickin our ass in a game.

He got into a long-winded conversation about the "throw ranges" on Super Smash Bros. Melee once. Who the fuck cares about throw range in smash bros.???? It has Mario and Yoshi in it for God's sake!

Anyway, Calvin hates this about footsie and any chance he gets, he goes to doggin him out. Now I had been on footsie's computer at times in college and one time I stumbled onto his porn folder. Me being the porn lover I am, I go check some out. This isn't normal porn at all. It's all foot videos. Women walking on men's backs in heels. Chicks stepping on guy's nutsacks with stiletto's etc. We kinda trip out about it as he's sending me IMs this night. Now, as usual i'm drunk or somewhere close to it. I get the idea to Google his IM name.

Now for the record, I feel bad about doing this to this day. I'm not sure how I would've felt about it if I didn't find SO MUCH PROOF THAT THIS NIGGA IS A WEIRDO though. I found ebay purchases where he bought individual, worn, women's shoes. I found message board posts on foot sites that I won't link (might get me banned). I found a fuckin wealth of crazy shit, all dealing with chicks' feet. I vowed to never google anybody ever again...then I googled myself.

I didn't find much. SRK posts. Tekkenzaibatsu posts. Things that i've bought off ebay myself (import dvds, shoes, etc.). He's still my boy though. Different strokes for different folks. And it could be a whole lot worse. He could be lookin at dudes fuckin penguins or some shit like that. But google will just about tell your life's story. Shit's strong yo. 



01-17-2007, 09:20 PM 
Stuckey gets burned.

I made mention in my last story that I got burned once in college. Freshman year. I met this girl in a Health class (how's that for ironic? beat THAT). Like any other time, I was worried about the wrong thing. Her looks. Nobody warned me about college girls before I left (why would they? I was in a relationship). Anyway, once all the other guys were away from her as class ended one day, I made eye contact with her. I got up and started walking in her direction. She smiled as I approached. As I get close enough to say something to her, I turned and walked off in the other direction and out of the theater (our health class was pretty big so we had it in the school's movie theater). My logic was that a girl that looked as good as she did (and i'm tellin you she was stunning), probably got approached 200 times a day. I figured something that different would be the one "approach" she remembered that day.

And it was, 2 days later when we had our next class, she came in, sought me out, and sat right next to me. Her name was Sabrina and she was a junior. Half-black half-white with an ass of which the standard of excellence is measured. We were actually good friends for a while before it got physical. I wasn't driving at the time, so if I wasn't leaving campus going somewhere with my roommate, I was going out with her. When I decided to try to round the bases, we were at the movie theater watching Freddy Got Fingered. Yeah, I fingered her during the movie. Sleep wasn't an option for me when we got back in the dorms.

Now, for her to be as fine as she was, I wasn't expecting much sexually (usually the case with the pretty ones). All my assumptions were spot on. Her pussy stunk to high hell (usually the case again) and she just lied there kinda. I was disappointed, but oh well.

I was REALLY disappointed however when I went to take a piss a week later. I don't think it ever took me longer to piss. I walked down to the clinic on campus to get looked at. This is where I understood what college was about. There were literally people lined up outside the door at 10 AM!!! I finally get inside after what seemed like forever. While in line I had a lot of time to "reflect" on the dumb shit i've done and continue to do. I ask myself why I cheat on my girl, tell myself I don't deserve her, i'm a dumb piece of shit, etc. etc. I don't know the half of it at this point. I was gonna regret this a lot more in just a few hours.

I get inside to sign the log or whatever. The fucking thing was 4 PAGES LONG!!! At 10 or 10:30 in the fucking morning. I sign, wait for an eternity and go in the back to see the doc. He tells me I have the fuckin clap. I'd need to have a catheterization to get rid of it, but they couldn't do it there. I had to get a ride from my roommate to a real hospital. If you're unfamiliar with catheterization, they stick a LARGE balloon in your pee hole and drain out the "taint". On top of that you can't fuck for a week. It hurt like hell and it was a fine ass nurse that inserted it on top of that. One of my most fucked up experiences is having a FINE ass MILF nurse stick a balloon up my dick slit and made me shed tears. 

edit (can't believe I forgot this): So I contact Sabrina after all this is said and done to tell her that she burned me and she needs to go see the doctor. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS BITCH HAS THE NERVE TO TELL ME?!?!?!

Sabrina: For real? Shit. I probably know where I got that shit from too. It had to be that nigga Rodney.

Me: Erm...YOU WANNA RUN THAT BY ME ONE MORE TIME?

Sabrina: Naw I was just sayin, I think I know who gave me that shit.

Whatever happened to being embarrassed? What ever happened to apologies? College...boy i'll tell ya. Needless to say, after that phone conversation she understood that it was in her best interest to stay the hell away from me from then on.

I wish it ended there. You see, like I said, you can't fuck for a few days to a week after you've been "violated". This was the weekend my girl would come visit me. I had to constantly come up with excuses why we couldn't bone. But you know the most fucked up thing about this whole story? I still haven't learned my fucking lesson. 


01-18-2007, 12:49 AM 
...By a GIRL????

This one's from the 8th grade. My middle school was seperated into clusters. Each cluster had 4 teachers. 1 for each main academic subject. Mrs. Chate was our social studies teacher. Mrs. Chate had a pot-belly (the rest of her was skinny) and a huge bald-spot right on the top of her head. It was her first year teaching at my middle school, and it didn't take long for the students to start disregarding her (even the principal started to disregard her for taddling on us so much). Her stomach was so big that when she'd stand in front of the class with her lesson plan book or whatever, she propped it up on the top of her stomach. A hilarious sight. But anyway, in every cluster there were 4 sets of students. Students were placed in these sets based on their grades from prior school terms. I was in the Advanced Placement class. How Tori was in there with me, I do not know....

Tori was ugly as hell. She's what I call a hood-roach. It seemed like everything she wore to school was pre-stained before she even left her house. If I gave her a comb, she would've probably confused it for a back-scratcher or something because her hair was all over like fans at a USC football game. She had flunked the 5th grade and the 8th grade and i'm assuming she was in advanced placement because she had already seen the material before (even though she failed it). She was very ornery and VERY sensitive about her failing grades and shit.

This didn't matter to me. Remember the "Punks Jump up to Get Beat Down" story? This is back when I talked pure shit. To anybody. I got away with it on Sean's big ass...Tori was a different situation altogether. In Mrs. Chate's class one day, I would go to work on her. Clowning her about the khaki's she always wore, the color prism of stains she had on her t-shirt on any given day, and her slow ass brother Wayman (who was a year under us). Like I said before, my goal was tears and I didn't stop until I got them. I did get them in Tori's case, but that ain't all I got.

As class ended that day and students were getting up from their desk, a fist found it's way through a crowd of kids and landed in my stomach. Felt like I had just got hit by Trevor Berbick or something. It sent me into the desk I had just got up from, which got me in the back pretty good. I remained on my feet and as the students backed away, there was Tori standing there with her fist balled up mad as fuck. I can't hit a female so I just start to back up and hope that Mrs. Chate will see her before she hits me again (this bitch was about to make me throw my morals out the window swinging like that). I backed into the wall in the back of the class.

Now my middle school was lacking one VERY essential thing. A/C. There was about 20 windows in every fuckin classroom but odds were you'd still come home musty. Tori came at me when she saw she had me cornered. She scooped my legs up and was about to throw me out of the fucking window! This is when I started to fight back. As I felt my ass start to go up over the window sill, I kneed her in the tit so she'd let me go. As I started to draw my fist back to knock her hair straight, Mrs. Chate finally stepped in. We were sent to the office.

Now, my cluster was by far the WORST in the school. 8-3 (grade 8, cluster 3), had a history of this. My boy Sherod had been in the same cluster and it was the same type of shit. When we get to the office, the principal already knows where we're from. "Why am I seeing 8-3 kids in here every day? DAMN!" The principal wasn't happy at all. Since, I didn't start the physical shit, I got a writing assignment. I had to write some sentence 4 or 500 times. I don't remember what it was. Tori had the same assignment plus a 5 day suspension. By the end of the 8th grade, we actually got along. But yes, boys and girls...Stuckey got his ass whooped by a female. No, excuse me, a HOOD-ROACH. 


01-21-2007, 03:13 PM 
OH NO SHE DIDN'T

at some point my fiance, andrea, actually lived with me at my parents house. it was a pretty nice preview of what it would be like living with her once we got married. i enjoyed having her around all the time like that. especially with my mom in the same house because they both love to cook. if they tag team on a meal, you better believe you're gonna put on some weight. during the tenure of her living with us, she and my mother got really close. so close that at times she'd call the house to talk to my mom (and not me). i like that they get along so well so i can't complain.

you probably read that paragraph and still insisted that this story has something to do with fucking. you're right. i've never climbed a mountain, gone hunting, skydiving, etc. i just boink an unhealthy amount of women. anyway, one night me and andrea are going at it. it gets good. i get excited. my bed breaks. we go finish fuckin in the guest room.

my mom discovers us sleeping there, but she doesnt say anything until andrea leaves for class. she approaches me in the laundry room while i'm washing the sheets from the guest room.

mom: jon (thats me), what were yall doing sleeping in the guest room?

me: my bed broke last night.

mom: what do you mean? how did your bed break?

me: (looking at her like she just asked me a dumb question) we broke it having sex.

mom: what were you trying to do, kill her?

me: we got a little carried away. i used the poetry in motion (yes, i said that to my mom)

mom: well you better poetry your motion on the floor! all that is not necessary.

at this point she walks back to my room to see the damage. i follow. she opens my door.

mom: well, that doesnt look too bad. you can fix that.

me:: yeah i'll take care of it.

mom: next time get on the floor 

me: andrea doesnt like getting on the floor.

mom: there's nothing wrong with the floor. we (my mom and my stepdad) get on the floor som-

me: oh boy...

mom: *silence*

me: *silence*

mom: you probably didnt need to hear that huh?

me: no, mom.

mom: gotcha...*walks away* get that bed fixed!

i just kinda stood there for a while. i couldnt believe she went there. maybe the poetry in motion comment made her think it was ok to say that. it wasn't ok. at all.

i was playing vf4 when i heard andrea pull up. i remained seated and kept playing. after a few matches, i realized it was taking her a long time to come into my room. i got up to go check on her and she came in my room as i got to the door. she was blushing.

me: whats up? why are you looking like that?

andrea: your mom was telling me that we need to stop being so rough or have sex on the floor.

me: what the hell?

andrea: she says you told her i don't like the floor and she said you're probably taking too long (to nut)

me: my mom said that?!

andrea: yeah

me: oh boy... 


01-29-2007, 06:47 AM 
Pajama Jam.

Every year in March there's a Pajama Jam at the club across the street from my old college campus. It's largely considered a Georgia Southern event, but the things that go on during Pajama Jam would make Tera Patrick blush, so it took place at Club Legend.

Now unless you were going to the Pajama Jam, there really wasn't any other reason to go to Club Legend. It was pretty bland and you saw all the same folks you saw every day on campus going to class and shit. Why pay to get in a club to pull a chick when you can pull her on your way to chemistry class? Pajama Jam was an exception because you saw these people (namely the women) in a whole new light. For starters, the dress code for women was as follows.

1. Any lingerie allowed, as long as no pubic hair is showing.

And that's it, folks. I'll put it to you like this, a girl was at the door with a fishnet body suit on. It was like looking through a chainlink fence. She had a band-aid over each of her nipples, some thong underwear, and a pair of stilettos on. She got in the club, no questions asked. For guys, it was a little bit more complicated. No hats, shirt required, yada yada. This suits me fine, because I ain't tryin to be in a club full of topless guys. I throw on some Prada pajamas (I was a high-roller BEFORE college, not during), and grab some friends and we head to Club Legend.

There's a hill on one side of the club, a sorta steep one. Since you could throw a rock from campus and hit the club, a lot of people just walked. I saw this girl walking up the hill to get in line. She and her friends had heels on and looked like they were having a hard time getting up the hill. I walk over and take 2 of them by the hand and lead them up the hill so they don't fall over. My friends go ahead and get in the VIP line (40 bucks to get in, but the 10 dollar line is like armageddon on Pajama Jam night). One of the girls I was walking with caught my attention. She was about 5'5" with really short hair. Short hair normally doesn't do anything for me, but it looked really good on her. She had a Japanese get-up on. A gown with the big-ass bow in the back (if any of you play Dead or Alive, you know that Ayane girl's outfit? just like that). Not even thinking about getting her number or anything like that, I start talking to her.

Me: When we get in here, are you gonna buy me a drink?

Her: Buy YOU a drink??

Me: Hell yeah, I helped you and your friend up the hill. You could've hurt yourself. You owe me.

Her: (jokingly) Nigga please, I was making my way up that hill just fine.

Me: Like hell you were. Plus, other girls seen me holding your hand. I might've just fucked my whole night up. People might be thinking I go with you.

Her: Well, if you see me in here, you can buy ME a drink and I might give you a lapdance or something.

Me: Sheeit....

I jump in line with my friends and pay the 40 bucks to get in. I only have 1 pocket on my pajamas for some cash and 3 rubbers. When I get in, it's like a whole other fucking club. There's cages with women dancing in them, 2 phone-booth sized boxes on stage that random chicks climb in to dance and hundreds of people of all races. I go straight to the bar. I had all but forgotten about the girl from outside due to all the scattered ass I was surrounded by. I take my 2 MGD's and head for the stage.

My plan is to get drunk and check out the ladies, but since I was new to Pajama Jam, I didn't know about Pandora's Box....

Pajama Jam starts around 9pm. Pandora's Box opens at 12am. Now, this isn't another club. Pandora's Box opens right there in Club Legend. As the name implies, when it opens, you'll be in the middle of some shit that'll definitely have you praying for forgiveness in the morning. The general rule of thumb is to find somebody to "chill" with during Pandora's Box before it actually opens. I had failed to do this because I had never heard of the shit. My good deed from earlier was about to pay off though. The DJ announces that the box will open in 10 minutes.

As I go to walk onto the stage, I feel somebody tugging my shirt as i'm walking up the steps. It was the girl from earlier with the Japanese get-up on (sorry, I never got her name). She asks me can she join me. I escort her up on the stage and she pulls me into one of the phone-booth looking boxes.

Me: I still owe you a drink, don't I?

Her: Don't worry about that, Pandora's Box is about to open.

Me: What the fuck is that anyway?

Her: *puzzled look like she can't believe I asked* Just stay with me. I'll show you what's up.

Some retarded ass Nelly song comes on and she starts grinding up against me in this little ass box. The box is see-through so I got some guys in front of the stage cheering me on and shit. She's working me over so good that I actually liked the song (or at least I thought I did). As we're dancing, I decided that I want another beer, but it was too late for that. As the song went off, so did the lights. Pandora's Box had opened.

This is where all the lights go off except a few scattered black lights along the floor of the club and the stage (the stage kinda looked like that scene in Kill Bill where the lady turned the lights out and the sihlouettes were fighting in the dark). A green light is on up in the DJ booth so he can see his records and shit. Then curtains dropped from the ceiling seperating the bar, the dance floor, and the stage. You could see where some lights were lit on the other side of the curtain, but that was it. No more retarded Nelly songs. All the rap and booty-shake music was replaced with Marvin Gaye, Isley Brothers, Keith Sweat, etc. In my mind, i'm saying "I know this ain't what I think it is"...it fucking was.

I looked around and saw chicks undoing guys' zippers on stage. Guys eatin girls out and girls giving head. I could hear condom wrappers being ripped open and loud moans over the baby-makin music being played. They actually allow this shit. It's tradition. I was so shocked that I forgot all about being in this booth with this girl who was now taking my hands from her hips and up to her tits.

I snapped out of it and started kissing her on the neck. She moved my hands in between her thighs. She was wetter than Seattle. She informed me that this was what Pandora's Box was all about, and that she was glad she'd run into me. With her back still to me, she takes her panties off, undoes the buttons on the front of my pajama pants, pulls my dick out and starts jacking me off. I reach into my back pocket for the 3 rubbers I brought.

THEY.WERE.NOT.THERE.

And forget about looking around for them. There were hardly any lights. I haven't said anything to her yet because i'm debating if i'm gonna fuck this bitch raw or not. She places my dick in between her thighs and I can feel her "oozing" on the top of it. So naturally, I decided that i'm gonna hit it. She starts rocking back and forth sorta jacking me off with her thighs. My intuition hits me....

1. This is Georgia Southern.
2. I don't even know this girl's name.
3. I already got burned once.
4. Catheters hurt.

I lean over and tell her in her ear that "I can't do it". She turns around in the booth and grabs my hand again and puts it back between her legs. "What do you mean you can't do it? You don't want this?" I tell her that I don't have a rubber.

Her: You don't have a rubber?!

Me: Well, I had some in my pocket, but they're not there anymore.

Her: ....You don't have a rubber?!

She shoves me, picks up her panties, and leaves the box. I sit there with my dick hanging out like a dumbass. I look around to see if I dropped my condoms somewhere, but it's useless. I can't see shit.

There you have it folks. Even Stuckey misses out on the pussy sometime. Only I could manage to miss out on it during Pandora's Box. 


01-29-2007, 02:44 PM 
Stethoscope.

As I've previously said, before I started working for the power plant, I worked for my stepdad. It didn't pay as much, but at least I got every weekend off. Sometimes I spent saturday or sunday (even when I get my off days now) at my boy Larry's. I usually go scoop up my homeboy Marcus before I go (not the gay Marcus from the Laina story!). 

Marcus was once in the military. When he'd came back, he had a nice Acura, nice job, nice apartment, the works. Due to having to help out his family, he now has none of these things, but he's working his ass off to get them back. I don't mind helping people when they're helping themselves so our friendship started out as me just giving him rides to different places to handle his business. I didn't have the heart to charge. We were into video games, so through that, we became good friends. Larry was a friend of his. Larry's 29 or 30, a big dude. And the very definition of a homebody. You can tell by his decked out entertainment system and sea of DVDs. He doesn't leave the house for shit except work and buying something. Marcus and I tease him about the lack of pussy coming through there.

The 2 of them met through Jermaine (who provides a whole other library of stories, so I won't go into detail about him yet), who I also knew. Marcus and I are into the games, but Larry and I are into the same music. As often as I can, I get Marcus and we go over there to just drink, trip out, and watch whatever Larry puts in the DVD player.

Like I said, we teased Larry about not gettin laid. His response was that girls didn't come through to see him because he fucked them in their homes. I couldn't buy that with a capitol one Visa. I'm sorry, but he stayed in the house way too fuckin much. Girls never called when we hung out over there, no one stopped by. Nothing. Seemed like we were his only visitors. One day though, he had a young lady over. Marcus had already caught the bus over to Larry's when I got there.

Marcus: Stuckey, you're not gonna believe this. 

Me: What's that?

Marcus: Larry is in the room with a girl.

Me: Oh?!

Marcus: Yeah. That bitch is big as hell dog.

Me: Man, he ain't got nobody in there.

Marcus: I'm tellin you, come listen to the door.

I go and put my ear up to the door and just like I expected, I heard his loud ass entertainment system. He had the tv on and was watching some shit. I go to stroll in his room, but the door is locked. Uh oh...maybe he does have a broad in there.

Marcus: How we gonna get in there, Stuc?

Me: I ain't tryin to see they big asses...hold up.

I go outside and open the trunk of my car and grab a stethoscope. This was back when I was fuckin Michelle the med student. She worked at Geico which wasn't far from my house. She used to stop by at 6am every morning after my parents have left for work. She'd come through in her pajamas, i'd fuck her, then we'd both shower and get dressed for work at the same time. It was a pretty cool setup and she even bought the rubbers. One time, I nutted in her mouth on accident and she fell in my living room trying to storm out of my house. I'll post a story about it later maybe. Anyway, with stethoscope in hand, I go back into Larry's house.

Marcus sees the stethoscope and starts laughing his ass off. Fuck that, I got business to take care of. I get to Larry's door and start placing the stethoscope in different areas. I'm not getting anything but that loud ass tv. Right up under the doorknob was the money spot. I could hear Larry and some female in there talking.

Me: *Looks up at Marcus* Man, they just talkin.

Marcus: Damn, Larry. I'm disappointed...

I don't give up on him though. I listen a few minutes more and I hear the bed start to squeak. Jackpot! My boy is gettin some ass!

Me: It's your turn, they're fuckin now. *hands Marcus the stethoscope*

He's so fuckin excited that he's all up at the top of the door trying to listen.

Me: You're only gonna hear the tv from there. Put it under the doorknob.

His dumbass plants it up against the door loud as hell. You don't need a stethoscope to hear Larry get off the bed and walk toward the door. Shit! We tip-toe down the hallway and hide in the dining room on some Sam Fisher shit. (We'd call him when we were about to come through and he'd just leave the door unlocked for us.) He probably knew it was us messin around, but he didn't care. He shut the door and went back to work. Marcus went back and listened more while I got started on the 12-pack I brought.

Now from his couch in the living room, you can barely see the hallway. You have to lean your head over the back of the couch to see anything. About 2 hours later, he tries to sneak the girl out through the back door. I hear their fat asses trying to ease along the carpet and I lean back to look. This girl is humongous! Not only was she mad overweight, she was tall as hell on some Great Khali shit. I wait for him to escort her out and come into the living room.

Me: I saw her man.

Larry: *laughs*

Me: At least you hittin somethin.

Larry: Man, that girl gave me head, licked my booty hole, did whatever. She ain't that big man. She just tall. And she's real cute in the face--

Me: Spare me, dog. I'm just glad you got laid.

Marcus woke up off the couch (drunk). I tell him that he missed the girl.

Marcus: Oh, I already saw that big Thea-lookin bitch.

Larry: Shut yo drunk ass up and pass me a beer.

For the rest of the evening, we cracked on Larry about actually GETTING laid. 


01-30-2007, 06:30 AM 
Moments...The Jermaine Story.

PROLOGUE

Jermaine is a source of comic relief for myself and my boys Marcus and Larry. He's quite the character, as this story will explain. I met him a good while before I met either Marcus or Larry. It was in the arcade at the mall. We kinda got off on the wrong foot because he talked my ear off during a match of MvC2 and made me lose to some guy that I didn't like very much. He says that he could tell instantly that I had a reputation with women when he saw me. The angle he approached me from caught me off guard so bad, that I lost Storm and Sentinel to several AHVB's when he asked me...

To star in one of his pornos.

Jermaine is an independent pornographic film director. He usually went out to the mall to sell his homemade tapes (for absurd prices...30 dollars for a homemade VHS porno?! no box-art or nothing). After seeing several of them myself I can say in his defense that he's pretty good with a camera and he always had fresh faces in his movies...but they were usually fat white girls. Jermaine is a self-proclaimed expert on white women with ass, or as he puts it, "white-gulz-dats-built-like-dey-black!" He's a skinny 34 year old black dude. 

I turned down his offer to be in one of his "movies" and he offered me the chance to think about it. He handed me a VHS tape that contained some of his work, and a fuckin business card. His one-man porno empire was called...

Supertits.

It took everything I had not to laugh in his fuckin face. And I laughed till I was blue in the face when I got home and popped the tape in. It was then that I knew God put Jermaine in my path so that I could laugh my ass off. And boy would I...it's been 8 years since I met him and he isn't out of suprises yet.

Back in 99, when I was a senior in high school, Jermaine was filming his flicks in his van. He lived in this van and it was quite a sight to behold. He had a futon in the back of it and an unusually big air conditioning unit in the back window. The van was doo-doo brown and had a loud-speaker on the top of it like an ice cream truck. (This is all true. ALL of it.) Jermaine has delusions of being a rapper, so at times he'd put his latest songs on the loud speaker as he drove down the street. As you can probably tell, his songs were fuckin awful. He'd rap maybe 6 bars and talk over the beat for the rest of the entire song! His voice sounds kinda like Marlon Wayans in the Scary Movie series. I've been trying to talk him into putting his work on the internet. Music, porn, etc. If he ever does, i'll link you guys. Comedy gold.

Anyway, I started hanging out with this cat. We'd go out to the mall and pull females, or i'd just hang with him while he went around selling his porn. He was very passionate about his profession and if you were to ask him about it, you'd die laughing. You see, when he talks about porn, he gets kinda giddy. I don't know if any of you have friends that do this, but he starts out talking in a normal tone, then as he gets to the punchline, he starts laughing and talking at the same time and his words start running together and his voice shoots up a few octaves. For example, I'm excited about Virtua Fighter 5 coming out. I'll express my excitement Jermaine style.

"Man, i'm gon get that Vircha fighta and I'MGONPLAYDAHELLOUTTADATSHIT-HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He does this a lot and it cracks me up everytime. One time he called me about this girl he pulled and started talking that way. He insisted that I had to see her. I tell him to bring her by my house. To my suprise, she actually looks GOOD. I'm thinking to myself how the fuck did he pull this off? Until I heard her speak. She sucked at English. This chick was from Africa and she was a dime compared to all the other scuz-buckets he fucked in his movies. Her name...Nanny-goat.

Me and the boys call her Nanny-goat because that's how her name is pronounced, no kidding. This isn't the way it's spelled, but that's the way you say it. I guess since she wasn't white and 50 pounds overweight, he wanted to use her to convince me to get in on one of his 'Supertits' productions. He was gonna call it...

Moments.

The story i'm about to tell is about the long and arduous journey to get Jermaine's most ambitious film made. And how I helped him all for the sake of a good laugh. 

Chapter 1: Nanny-goat

As I said before, Moments would be Jermaine's most ambitious movie yet. His idea was to get exotic girls like Nanny-goat, who was standing in my living room staring hard as fuck at me, and put together an international flick. He also decided that he would not film the entire thing in his van. He'd rent out hotel rooms and decorate them and even have outdoor scenes. He'd also write dialogue so there would be acting in the film. This would be Jermaine's almighty push to go mainstream. And it started with Nanny-goat.

She was slim and cute in the face. Brown-skinned (not dark like you'd assume), and had a nice smile. Which was good, because she didn't have very much to say. She just stared and grinned. As Jermaine sat down in a chair and I sat on my couch, she continued to stand, staring at me. I had to offer her a seat, which was kinda weird. I had just been hanging out around the house that day. My girl was away at her family reunion out of town. A football game was on tv.

Nanny-goat (NG): You like football?
Me: Yep. Do you?
NG: No, no. Too violent. 
Me: Would you like me to change the channel?
NG: No, no. It's fine.
Me: Ok...
Jermaine: Stuckey, lemme holla at you for a second.

We step inside the kitchen.

Jermaine: I know I found this girl man, but if you wanna get her, I ain't even gon hate on you man.
Me: I couldn't do that.
Jermaine: Man, you and her need to get in this new movie i'm makin. I'm gonna call it...Moments.
Me: What??
Jermaine: (in the exact same tone of voice) Moments.
Me: What does that mean?
Jermaine: Man, i'mma get me some exotic gulz. French gulz. African gulz. Chinese gulz. I'mma have em in the HOTELWITDECORATIONSANDSHITDATSHITGONBETIGHTNIGGA-HAHAHA!
Me: *laughs* No thanks man. I'll pass.
Jermaine: Ok man, but like I said, if you wanna get this gul here, I ain't gon hate.
Me: Ok.

We get back in the living room and Jermaine starts trying to talk the girl up for me. Asking her what she thinks about me while i'm sittin there. She thinks i'm nice and that my parents have a very nice house. He suggests that I show her my bedroom. She's staring and grinning like she's been doing. I take her on a small tour and we end up in my bedroom. 

Me: So what do you think about Jermaine?
NG: He's nice.
Me: Has he told you about "Moments"?
NG: Yes.
Me: *stunned* So you're down?
NG: Yes. Will I make a movie with you?
Me: No-no-no. That's Jermaine's thing. I don't get into that stuff.
NG: Oh, sorry.

We get back into the living room and I see her and Jermaine out the door. He tells me that he's gonna take her to a hotel on Riverside (Riverside Drive has the nicer hotels in the city...he really is gettin ambitious). He'd show me the tape the next day.

The next day, he came through with the footage to show me. He explained that he and Nanny-goat had an awesome night together.

Jermaine: Man...she had some wet ass pussy, Stuc.
Me: Really?
Jermaine: Man, when I was inside her, it was like...2 lions up under a waterfall. Just roaring and goin at it. (That is one FUCKED UP metaphor).
Me: *laughs* Well let me see it.

He pops the tape in. He was inside this girl for all of 15 seconds. Nanny-goat had a pretty nice body. Definitely not what I was used to in a 'Supertits' flick. Kinda eerie the way she stared directly into the camera lens and grinned the whole time though. When Jermaine got ready to nut, he actually told the girl he loved her. I laughed my ass off in his face.

Me: You love Nanny-goat?
Jermaine: Man, Stuckey you don't understand, man. She had some wet ass pussy. And see, the thang about it, after I finished wit her SHESTILLWANTEDMORE-HAHAHA!
Me: I wonder why. You fucked her faster than I could pour a cup of kool-aid.

He fast-forwards the tape. Nanny-goat is near some railroad tracks with 2 VERY young-looking boys. She's fingering herself while they jack off. The boys (who didn't look a day over 13) tag team her. The funny part is, Nanny-goat seemed to enjoy the kids a lot more than she enjoyed Jermaine. They certainly lasted longer.

Chapter 2: Fight the Power.

Jermaine threw himself headlong into completing Moments. His phone calls increased tenfold. I was hearing from him every day. Potential girls he was working on, buying new cameras, new ideas he had, the works. At some point, he'd get a bit too overzealous in his project. This got him banned from the Macon Mall. FOR LIFE.

The Macon Mall was our stomping ground. In Macon, there's not much else to do. Easily the best place to get girls. This is where Jermaine got just about all his "actresses" and sold all his movies. In a way, the mall was like his office (outside of his van). He had come across a girl he liked in the monogram store, you know the store you take shit to if you want to get your name engraved on it? The girl's name was Elaine (I think). She was from Canada. That was all Jermaine needed to know.

Since he had no other foreign girls to pursue at the time, Jermaine focused pretty hard on Elaine. A bit too hard. He more or less stalked the girl. She wasn't as fat as the other girls Jermaine dealt with, but she wasn't slim either. She wasn't very cute at all, and was tom-boyish. I had met her prior to the production of "Moments" from going and getting some gifts engraved for christmas one year. I remembered her due to the many things I had brought in to get personalized. 

One day, when I was in the arcade playing Marvel 2, Jermaine spotted me and came in.

Jermaine: What's up, Stuckey man.
Me: What's up homes?
Jermaine: Man, I'm tryin to get this gul down at the monogram sto'. She white-but-she-built-like-she-black. She from Canada. I'm tryin to get her for Moments, but she ain't tryin to hear it. You think you can talk to her for me?
Me: *concentrating on Marvel*
Jermaine: Huh?
Me: *concentrating on Marvel*
Jermaine: Huh, Stuckey man?
Me: *lost the match* What?!
Jermaine: Can you go talk to this gul for me?
Me: Yeah man. Let's go.

I tell him to wait outside, so she doesn't shoot me down before I get a chance to talk to her.

Elaine: Hey you! You back with some more stuff?
Me: Oh no. I don't have anything for you today.
Elaine: Oh okay. What can I do for you?
Me: Listen, are you seeing anybody right now?
Elaine: ....no. I'm not.
Me: Because I have this friend that works out here. He passes by the store every now and then and he's very attracted to you. You interested in meeting somebody?
Elaine: I guess so. There's a guy that comes in here just about every day. He gets on my damn nerves and he actually wanted me to come outside to see his van!
Me: Oh shit.
Elaine: JERMAINE SENT YOU IN HERE?!
Me: ......

Elaine storms off and starts talking to one of her co-workers. She seems VERY agitated and her co-worker does too. You see, I didn't catch all of what Jermaine was saying up in the arcade because I was busy trying to whoop ass in MvC2. I was unaware that he'd been in there harrassing this girl. I was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back. Elaine called security. The authorities got ahold of Jermaine and wrote him up. Sexual Harrassment. Banned from the mall. Forever. He couldn't believe it. I could...

When in court, he was sentenced with some community service deal. He actually requested that the judge send him to do community service in the neighborhood of his choosing! (You gotta have balls to suggest your sentence to the fuckin judge). Of course he tried to get his community service close to the mall so he could slang his tapes in the parking lot. So sad... 

Chapter 3: Apocalypse '99...Nanny-goat strikes black.

You'd think losing his most precious resource would slow Jermaine down, right? Hell no. Quitting is NOT in Jermaine's vocabulary. He decided to hit the clubs to find new talent. Only problem, to get in the club you need money. It ain't free like the mall. So where there's a need for money, there's a need to sell flicks. But there's the Catch-22. He needed women to make flicks, but he needed money to get to where women were, yet he needed flicks to make money. When faced with this situation, Jermaine would have to do something he'd never done before. Use the same girl twice.

His plan was to pawn the new camera he had bought and buy tapes for his old camera. He'd fuck some of his white-gulz-dats-built-like-they-black in the van, and fuck Nanny-goat at the end of the tape. Saving the best for last. He puts his plan into motion and calls me at my job (these were the TJ Maxx days). 

Jermaine: Man, I gotta go back to the old school Stuckey.
Me: Do what?
Jermaine: I gotta bring some old school guls back. I had to sell my camera, to make some cheese. But i'm gonna get some of my old guls and GETEMINTHEVANTHENI'MGONFUCKNANNYGOAT-HAHAHA!
Me: I hear ya. Do what you gotta do.

That was all I heard out of Jermaine for about a month. One day, he rode up to my job.

Me: Where you been homey?
Jermaine: Man, Stuckey man. That gul tripped on me man.
Me: Who? Nanny-goat?
Jermaine: Yeah man.
Me: What happened?

Remember the scene with Nanny-goat outside with the young boys? Apparently one of them little niggas had the clap and gave it to her. To get back at Jermaine, she fucked him in the van and gave it to him. Then a few days later, she threw a brick through his windshield. While he was in his van sleeping.

Me: Damn homes. What did you do?
Jermaine: I woke up!
Me: ....after you woke up.
Jermaine: I looked out and saw Nanny-goat standin out there. She wasn't grinnin then dog SHEWASN'TGRINNINTHENDOG-HAHAHA!

Good ol Jermaine. Always high in spirits. Even though he ate Nanny-goat out in that flick...so he essentially ate Clap Juice.

He had made a little piece of change off his latest piece of work. He was ready to hit some nightspots. I was too young to accompany him at the time. Seemed like he had it all figured out. Moments was back on track. Until... 

Chapter 4: Farewell, Friend

For inexplicable reasons, Jermaine started his search in the worst club EVER. Polly's in East Macon. For starters, Polly's is known as the old folks' club. They enjoy it because hell, their old asses just like getting out of the house. Give em some liquor, some chicken wings, and some Young Jeezy on the stereo and they're kids again. The most noticeable thing about the club is it's size. It's so fucking small that you had to step outside to change your mind. The one time I went, a fight broke out. They didn't have room to throw punches so they thumb wrestled. Man, this club was so small that if you went in there and dropped a washcloth, they'd have wall to wall carpet.

Needless to say Jermaine didn't find anything exotic at Polly's. Not even exotic drinks. So then he tried Studio 32. 32 is a lot better in terms of size and the club itself, but only black people go in there. It's been that way for years. In Jermaine's defense though, he hadn't been in any clubs so he didn't know. I can't say I knew either. I wasn't old enough to get in the fuckers. So I couldn't help him with this one. He went downtown to Liz Reed's...

Ah! Liz Reed's is more like it. Huge building, better music, white-guls-dats-built-like-dey-black, everything he was lookin for. Except a dress code. You see, Jermaine always wears sweatshirts and jeans. He has a very large collection of different colored sweatshirts, yet he always wears the same jeans. When it's hot out, he'll switch to t-shirts, but he'll still have the sweatshirt tied around his waist "jes in cayse" (just in case, Jermaine style). He wasn't gettin in Liz Reed's like that. He called me for clothes. I decided to be helpful for a change. Instead of just sitting there laughing at him.

I went to work a day later and picked him out some stuff that was Liz Reed's compatible. A nice liz claiborne shirt, and some matching khaki's. We didn't sell men's shoes so he was on his own with that. I paid for his outfit so he could get in. He said he'd give me credit in the opening credits for Moments. I laughed and said that'd be awesome. The next weekend, he headed back to Liz Reed's for a second try. Jackpot!

(note: I wasn't there, these details are what I remember from Jermaine describing the evening to me) Enter Sheana. An island girl. He spotted her on the dance floor and had to have her. At this point, his funds from movie sales had just about depleted so it was now or never. If he was gonna get anywhere with Moments, he needed Sheana. All the trouble he went through to get inside a decent club would pay off if he could flip her. He said she was stacked. Body a perfect 10. Face "woulda been a ten if her grill wasn't fucked up". "But see da thang about it is you don't fuck her fayce (face) YOUDON'TFUCKHERFAYCEYOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYINSTUC-HAHAHAHA"

So he approaches her. He's too broke to buy her a drink, so he just asks her to dance. She's drunk as hell so she obliges. They're out on the dance floor grinding it up. "You see, Stuckey man. I was jus caught up in the moment man. I couldn't even bring up Moments, I was in a moment mySELFYOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYIN-HAHAHA!" So yeah, he was feelin this girl and from the looks of it, she was feeling him. He offered to show her the van, but she didn't want to leave the club. She already had a ride home. And when that ride home caught a glimpse of Jermaine pushing up on her, he was NOT pleased.

"Now see, Stuckey man, I'm a lovah not a fightah. So I got da hell outta there." He hauled ass for the door through a sea of club-goers. After a while, he couldn't see his pursuer anymore, but he had to keep moving. He was in a state of panic. He got outside, jumped in the van and took off down Cherry Street. Straight through a red light.

BAM!!

2 cars coming down the 2 lanes caught him in the driver side. Fortunately, he was alright. The van wasn't though. Not by a long shot. Since he lived in there, he had all kinds of shit in there. His futon, his pornstar posters, his flicks, extra tapes, cameras. You name it. Wouldn't you know it, the one thing that didn't get destroyed, was his camera. It slid out of the van and slid a few yards down the street, but didn't break.

Jermaine: See, Stuckey man, God want Moments to be made to, you see what i'm sayin?
Me: Man, I agree. You know if you need a ride to go take care of your business, I got you.
Jermaine: Man, Stuckey man, I knew you had my back man. 

He had lost his two most precious resources (the mall and his van/home), but the man wouldn't be broken! Moments was his life's mission. Given to him by God. And he and God would see to it that Moments was completed. Do you know what this nigga did after his van got wrecked? 

Chapter 5: One monkey don't stop no show.

Do you know what the hell this nigga did after he lost his van in the accident?

.....

He made a movie out of it.

Jermaine loaded his camera up with a tape, went to the junkyard where his van was, and made a short film. He showed it to me of course. Of course it was hilarious. The film started with him looking at the ground at his feet. He began to walk. He walked a long ass distance until...he stopped. The camera slowly pans upward and a song begins to play. He pans up to show his van. It looked like Babylon. He walked around it a few times zooming in on various parts of the van, the whole while the song is playing. He sat there with me as I watched it...it hurt my side as I tried to watch without laughing. My efforts to keep my opinion to myself wouldn't last much longer. He leaned up against the van, held the camera up to his face and began to talk. (Fun Fact: A few days before he brought the tape over, I fell down a flight of steps at school! That's a previous story for you new readers. Look it up.)

He started out about how he was a man on a mission. He went into some kinda P.Diddy thing where he told the audience that he "Cayn't stop. Won't stop." You can tell his idea to say this caught him off guard, because he stuttered like hell to get it out. My face was getting tighter and tighter. I was literally in pain trying not to laugh. I felt sorry for the guy and didn't want to do him like that. I got ready to excuse myself to go laugh in the bathroom, when he said...

"Man, it's jus like I tell people man. I'mma keep goin until I get legendary. I'm like da nature boy Ric Flair....Woooo...."

Now, any of you that have seen Ric Flair, knows that he says "WHOOO!!!" A lot. It's the first thing you associate with him more or less. Jermaine associated it with him too...he just didn't put any emotion behind it like Ric does. It came out in his normal tone of voice. Almost like it was sarcastic...it's something you had to be there for..."Woooo...." and the look on his face. His eyebrows kinda went up on it, but the rest of his face was blank as ever. Picture Shorty (Marlon Wayans) in Scary Movie saying that. I couldn't take it anymore. I laughed myself to tears. I should've known he wouldn't get pissed.

Jermaine: You know that shit don't you, Stuckey man? You like THATSHITI'MTHENATUREBOYRICFLAIRNIGGA-HAHAHA!
Me: Man, you weren't bullshittin. You won't let anything stop you.
Jermaine: That's how you gotta be, Stuckey man. When crazy shit happen to you, you gotta wipe your ass wit it and keep on truckin.

One of the more intelligent things i've ever heard him say. I asked him what he'd do next. He said he'd keep looking for women. And he found himself some....

There was Dannabelle...the mexican girl (not cute).

and Janet...the german girl (not cute, and pretty old...she and Jermaine were the same age)

He had took out a loan from his mother for whatever, and rented some hotel rooms and shot scenes with these girls. He pulled some crazy shit on Dannabelle. He fucked her, came in her mouth, made her swallow. And went RIGHT BACK TO FUCKIN HER. He didn't need a second wind or anything and he didn't lose his wood. I asked him was it Viagra, he told me it was his "desire". I laughed at him.

Things were back on track until he met Ronda. Ronda was another island girl. He wanted to take her to Savannah and fuck her on the beach, but he didn't have the gas money to get there. I was busy takin Harold to Boogerbear Bottom and fuckin girls that would sue me in the years to come (or something like that. previous stories, new readers). I couldn't get him to the location. He decided the next best thing was to fuck her out in the yard. He had the bright idea to get a monkey and put him in front of the camera to make it more "exotic". He went to the museum and asked to borrow one. They asked why (just to humor him), he said for a flick, they called security. He would've got banned from the museum too, but he took off running like Adam Sandler in Punch Drunk Love and didn't get caught when security came.

Hey, at least he was makin progress...if he bagged Ronda, that would be 4 girls from different ends of the globe in his movie. He had 2 scenes with Nanny-goat so that made it 5 scenes total. It was already the longest flick he'd ever made. Usually, you'd buy one of his movies and it'd be 30 minutes long and you'd basically be left with a blank tape to record hours of stuff on, with some amatuer porn in the front. Moments was definitely taking shape.

Bagging Ronda would be a bit more complicated than he intended though. 

Chapter 6: Time to upgrade.

Jermaine got by as long as he could on borrowing money from his mother (even a bit from me). It became apparent to him that he'd have to enlist some "old guls" services yet again. He'd make another 'Supertits' flick to hold his fans off. "You know you gotta KEEPTHEFANSHAPPYSTUCYOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYIN-HAHAHA!" He did this without a problem. But he couldn't get it to sell. He went to his regular customers, they weren't buyin. Tried to expand a bit, no luck. Some unseen force was kicking his ass and he couldn't put a finger on what it was.

He approached me and asked me to help him sell his movies. I told him i'd see what I could do. I had no luck either. We met at a subway resturant and brainstormed. I wanted to see him wrap Moments up. I even tried to hook him up with Erica from The Gap, but he fucked that up (seperate story for later). It hit me out of nowhere why he wasn't selling material anymore. It came to me so hard that I hit the table in Subway and the manager came and asked me was my food bad.

DVD!

Porn had been coming out on DVD around this time. Jermaine had to step his game up and go to disc format. Back then, DVD burners cost an arm and a leg though, not to mention a computer you could install one into. Another Catch-22. He needed DVD to make money, but he needed money to get a DVD burner, he also needed money for a computer to house the DVD burner. 

Right up the walkway from TJ Maxx, there's a place called Computer Renaissance. They bought and re-sold computers and computer accessories. I decided that i'd go up there on break to see what they had one day. When I went in, Tomeka was behind the counter. She was a cheerleader at our school. I also had 5th period with her. We'd been workplace neighbors all this time and didn't even know it. I told her my situation. Jermaine would need about 400 dollars for a used PC that he could put a burner into, and 150 for a used DVD burner.

Jermaine: 550 dollars?? Man, Stuckey man. You think you can talk that gul down some?
Me: I don't see how. She doesn't make the prices, the company does.
Jermaine: Yeah, I know that man. But see man you can do shit to a gul's mind, Stuckey.
Me: .....huh?
Jermaine: Man, I bet if you bag that gulSHE'LLSELLYOUTHATSHITFOTWENTYDOLLARSNIGGA-HAHAHAHA!
Me: I don't know about that homes. I'm in a class with her. I'll try.

I would try to see what I could do about Tomeka for him. He'd deal with Ronda. He still hadn't bagged her yet due to one thing. Ronda wasn't just a piece of meat he could use and just throw away. She liked Jermaine (why, I don't know) beyond the friend zone and wanted to be in a committed relationship with him before she gave up the snappy nappy dugout. He'd do anything to get Moments finished. Jermaine had himself a girlfriend. Awwwww....so special.

I ran into a similar problem. Apparently, there was some kinda loophole where Tomeka could get me a computer and DVD-burner for the low, but i'd have to do something for her in return. I had to be her date for the prom. Now, Jermaine is my boy, and I wanna do what I can to help him, but I'm not going to take this girl to the prom over my girlfriend just to get him a computer. Damn that. I'd have to figure something else out. Oh boy... 

Chapter 7: The Inspiration.

I was pretty stumped on this Tomeka thing. She made it pretty clear that being her date was all I could do to get the computer and DVD burner in my possession. I would have to concede to taking her, then back out of it before prom night came, which still was a ways off.

Jermaine was now going with Ronda and things were going well. He couldn't get a monkey and still couldn't get to Savannah, but wouldn't you know it. Jermaine had found love. He had fun living it up with his newfound love interest while I struggled to get him some new equipment. I didn't mind because I knew i'd be awarded with some comedy later. I received a call from him one day.

Me: What's up homey? 
Jermaine: Man, whats up, Stuckey man. 
Me: How you been? How's Ronda?
Jermaine: Aww man, everythang's good. She say she gonna let me get the pussy.
Me: Don't sound too excited about it. How does she feel about the camera?
Jermaine: Oh, it's all good man. She down for WHATEVERYOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYINSTUC-HAHAHA!

That's the Jermaine I knew.

Me: You still gonna go out in the yard?
Jermaine: Yeah man. I got some bananas and stuff that i'm gonna spread around the set. Give it that island feel, you know what i'm sayin, Stuckey man?

I hold the phone away from me so I can laugh.

Me: Make sure you bring the tape over.
Jermaine: Aww Stuckey man, that's a bet.

Time went on and he filmed himself and Ronda "goin at it like lion's under a waterfall" (I'm sorry, that metaphor just kills me...had to use it again. That has to be the most fucked up thing i've ever heard him say). He brought the tape over. It was pretty disturbing to say the least.

Out in his back yard, he had bananas sprinkled around the set just like he said. The grass had not been cut and he did not put a blanket down. He wanted it to be authentic "jungle love" type shit. I could instantly tell he had been watching other porn for inspiration. He never talked to the camera during a scene before, until now. Ronda was giving him head and he looked into the camera and said, 

"Now you see dis here? Dis is how a real man live. You see how pretty she is? She said when she gave me head, it was like i was gon be in anotha world. She is actually...a man of her word. (WHAT THE HELL? HOW CAN A GIRL BE A MAN OF HER WORD) She is actually...suckin on da bawllz. And it's like i'm in paradise. It's like chocolate...and caramel (oh shit...he's trying to get poetic again. lion's under the waterfall indeed). Chocolate...caramel...and nuts...and she suckin on my nuts-- ARGHHHHH!!!"

He bust in her mouth. She sat down on it to ride him to keep him "at attention". Her phone went off...she got off his dick to go check it. He was visibly upset. I laughed at him. She had received a text message. She typed up a response to it, and came back to sit on Jermaine's dick again. He wasn't hearin it. He told her to "get on yo back, gul!" She obliged.

He was gonna punish her for checking her phone in the middle of a scene. He lifted her leg up and spanked her ass a few times. At this point i'm half-dead. I'm out of breath from laughing at the whole exchange. Jermaine is laughing with me (not knowing that i'm laughing AT him). He gets inside of her and starts pounding away. Mumbling shit like "checkin dem text messages while we makin luv..." "you know betta..." etc. He bust in her mouth again. But then, he took his inspiration a little too far.

The outdoor scene is cut. They move indoors with Ronda lying on his bed. They're talking to one another but I can't make out what they're saying. After a while, Jermaine walks over to the bed and puts his dick in her mouth. She starts giving him a BJ, then all of a sudden he pulls out and holds it there.

"Man, you ain't about to--"

Yep. He pissed in her mouth. It seemed like he was peeing for days. Her nasty ass swallowed it. He asked her "How it tayse? Not good?". You could tell by her expression that it didn't. The tape cut off.

I had stopped laughing. That was a little on the weird side. Wherever he was getting his inspiration from had him going off the deep end. On some mad scientist shit. He told me he needed "one mo gul" as he was leaving my house. Then all he'd need was to put it on disc. That's where I came in. 

Chapter 8: Defining "Moments"

One time, I punched the shit out of Jermaine. In his pursuit of one last girl for his movie, he suggested that I fuck my girl and let him film it for his movie. My girl is puerto-rican so he figured she'd be perfect for the part (technically she would), but I wasn't hearing that. He had known me long enough not to go there with me. I didn't say a word when he asked, I just decked him. Then forgave him. End of discussion. He admitted that he was wrong and we moved on.

I closed the deal on the computer and everything a short while after that. He got some other work that he'd done on disc and sold it to put some money in his pocket and pay off some debt. All the while looking for that one last girl. It took months, but he found one. Her name was Teresa. From Canada. He had broke up with Ronda so he was back on the Moments project full-time.

Teresa wasn't bad looking at all. She was one of those goth chicks. All black clothing, huge jeans that went all the way down to the floor and covered her shoes...Johnny Cash t-shirts, a lot of beads, piercings, etc. She smoked plenty of weed (this was back when I did it myself. she was actually my supplier for a little while). Jermaine had got in pretty good with her. The only thing was, she refused to fuck him on camera. She would eventually, she just didn't know it.

He enlisted my services to hide in his closet and film her. It wasn't an exotic location, but he had to make that sacrifice to finally get "Moments on the shelves" (what shelves nigga? you sell flicks out of a grocery bag). We picked out a weekend to do this. He left the door unlocked for me. I got the camera and took my place in the closet with the tripod. I wasn't concerned about comfort because I knew he wouldn't last that long. The only thing I was worried about was getting caught laughing. He showed up about 5 or 10 minutes later with Teresa. They get right to it.

Now, under all Teresa's baggy clothes, she looked like she was in pretty good shape. I was wrong. She had a slim body, nice tits. Hardly any ass to speak of, but she had a fuckin pot belly. That's just weird to me. Skinny with a big beer gut. Even Jermaine was suprised. I could see it in his face. They hadn't even began fucking yet and I was already trying not to laugh. They fucked for a couple minutes and Jermaine went into his canned dialogue.

Jermaine: So in Canada, weed is legal ain't it, baby?
Teresa: *why'd we stop fucking look* Uh...yeah.
Jermaine: I got you a lil weed right here.

He has her sit there and roll up a joint while he fucks her doggy-style. I'm trying my best not to crack up. She rolls it up and starts puffing away while she's getting fucked. I guess if he didn't bring it up in the movie, you'd think she was American. Therefore destroying the International theme of the film. I give him kudos for thinking that up. They finished up and I got it all on tape. 

He had finally got Moments finished. He sold around 100 copies. Even if he did charge 40 for the shit. So he made roughly 4,000 bucks off his homemade movie. Bought a new set of wheels that he still drives to this day. His ambition has actually helped me get through problems i've had. So I hope this perverse and weird story inspires you all too. No matter what, don'tGIVEUPONYODREAMSNIGGA-HAHAHA! 

EPILOGUE

Nanny-goat - Last time I saw her, she worked at the grocery store. Still doing a whole lot of grinning and her english is pretty much flawless now. She had a small fanbase for a while from her part in Moments.

Elaine - Not working at the mall anymore. Have no idea where she is. She hated on the Moments project, so fuck that ho.

Sheana (from Liz Reed's) - What a small world it is, this girl ended up meeting Marcus (also one of Jermaine's friends) at a different club. They've been going together for some years now. She's bisexual (Marcus, you lucky bastard) and she sends him bikini pics all the time from Florida (she's there for school). He shows them to Larry and I. I pop boners. She still gets smashed and hits the dance floor by herself.

The Van - Scraps.

Dannabelle - Has put on a lot of weight. I heard she fucked a guy for a frozen Boston Market dinner once. Hilarious.

Janet - Back in Germany last I heard.

Ronda - She and Jermaine are still on speaking terms. I haven't seen her in ages.

Erica From The Gap - Another story for another time.

Tomeka - She and I are very good friends. We didn't go to the prom together obviously, but when I told her why, she got a huge kick out of it. She's dating a white guy and working at an investment firm in Atlanta. We go out and do something whenever she comes to Macon.

Teresa - Has a big crush on Marcus. His dumbass gave her his number. She bugs the shit out of him. I think it's funny.

jermaine - jermaine is still shooting pornos. nowadays he's gotten into his rapping more. he recently stepped his camera game up ANDHEGOTDATTOPOFDALINESHITDOG-HAHAHA! at the moment he's mad at larry. i'm not sure why. as much as i laugh at his antics and shit, i've come to understand that jermaine is doing EXACTLY what he wants to do with his life. can't beat that. even if he is a weirdo.


01-31-2007, 03:49 PM 
Erica From The Gap

As the name implies, I met Erica at The Gap where she used to work. Originally, I was going in there to buy some gear to STYLE ON NIGGAS with, but I met her and we instantly hit it off. She looked like the dingy type, but when I actually spoke to her, she was far from it. Very laid back and HOT AS FUCK (as you can see in the provided pic below). She's mixed half-white, half-black. A little taller than me (which I love) and had aspirations of being a singer. I've heard a few of her songs and they aren't half bad. Although she made one called "Pandora's Box" which pisses me off for obvious reasons (previous story, new folks).

Anyway, it was standard 'girl on the side' fare. I'd call her or she'd call me. It worked out good because since she was so laid back, we never got into any disagreements or anything. All my experiences with her have been great, except one. When I took my test for my driver's license, I almost failed it for being too cautious (I thought they liked for you to go the speed limit) and driving too slow. Soon as they printed my license out, the first place I went to was Erica's. On the way there, I got a fucking speeding ticket (my license was still warm from just being made). Ain't that weird? Only Stuckey...oh well, we fucked in the shower when I got there. 

She really is a cool person and I can't say anything bad about her, but for reasons I can NOT understand...I put her through the torture of trying to hook her up with my friends. One of them being Jermaine.

First one was Buck. Buck's a white boy. Very introverted, very sheltered. I met him in the arcade playing Marvel vs. Capcom 2. He was considered the best player in the arcade at the time. That was before I started coming in. You see, he was awesome, don't get me wrong. But he didn't understand tiers. You can be as good as you want to be with Hayato, but if you can never get near Sentinel to hit him, you can't win. Simple as that. That's where Buck and I bumped heads. His anger. He got PISSED when he lost at any video game. It was amazing. He'd start foaming at the mouth and shaking uncontrollably. Shit like that. One time he tried to fight my boy Oscar. I'll put it to you like this. One of Oscar's HANDS is about as big as my whole body. I'm exaggerating, but this man is tall as hell and looks like he can benchpress a honda civic. Buck calmed down permenantly after that one.

But it became apparent to me that Buck needed some pussy. In the worst way. He was indeed a virgin at this time. I wouldn't bother with hooking him up with most the chicks I fucked because they were either already in relationships, didn't wanna date a white boy, or was too sprung on me to move anywhere else. So I was gonna do him one of the biggest favors i'd done for anybody. I was gonna give him Erica. I went in the store to talk to her about him. Like I figured, she was cool with it. She said to have him come by the store and talk to her. It killed me how cool she was about everything. I used to tell her that if me and my girl didn't work out, she'd be the first one I called to fill in the slot.

Buck was too damned shy to go to the store, so I gave him her number. She said she'd wait for his call. He never called her. I even walked him by the store once to look in and see what I was trying to give him. He said she was beautiful, but he was just too shy to make a move. One weekend, she had to go to Atlanta to pick something up. She didn't want to go alone. I suggested Buck go with her. He had a nice mustang back in those days and all that time on the road would be perfect for them to get to know one another. He punked out, so I ended up having to go. To hell with Buck. This wasn't gonna work. 

Trying to hook her up with Buck got her interested in meeting somebody. She asked if I had any other friends I could hook her up with. Only person that was single at that time was Jermaine. She said she didn't mind his age. In my mind I said that's the last thing she should be worried about. To make a short story even shorter, Jermaine gave Erica one of his 'Supertits' cards when they were out on a date. He ran his mouth about Moments to a girl who was way too classy to be a part of it. She took offense and walked out on him. Left him in Pizza Hut lookin stupid.

I figured she'd hate me after that one, but I got a call from her one night. She wanted me to come through. I hauled ass to get there (this is the only girl that ever made me evaluate my relationship with Andrea...with some effort she possibly could've stole me from my fiance'. It hurts me to talk about that. Moving right along...). When I arrived, she had cooked and had candle's goin and the whole nine yards. The effort to take me away from my girl I just mentioned? This was it. And I was [] that close from taking the bait. The steak was off the hook. Her dress was off the hook. I was on cloud 9. Until we went in her room...

Then I was on cloud 55 or something. She had decorated this room with candles as well. She had a damn massage table in there and books sitting around about giving massages. She wasn't bullshittin that night. She had me undress and get on the table. She was warming up massage oil and she asked me was I enjoying myself. For a while, I had forgot how to talk. Far as I was concerned, at this point, I had a new lady. I was done. Sold. She proceeded to give me the best massage EVER. I was gonna beast on that as soon as she let me up off the table. I decided that it was gonna be a flawless performance to celebrate the new-found love of my life.

Then, it happened. A brick. Through her bedroom window. And a crazy ass gangbangin nigga outside. I'd never have second thoughts about leaving my girl ever again. This was God telling me that that was a very bad idea.

I jumped up and started grabbing for my clothes. She tells me to stay where I am and that she'll handle it. Fuck that. This guy is standing outside the window looking dead at me. He has a mouth full of gold teeth and a tatoo on his neck. I take off running out of the back door. The gangster comes inside, where Erica keeps his attention. I hop in my mom's car and slip out of the driveway. On the way home, I think to myself that I don't deserve my girl. I'm a piece of shit. I'm this, i'm that. I always have these thoughts, but strangely enough I never listened to them. I've done well as of late, aside from the unavoidable 3some from a few weeks ago. I've deleted numbers. Taken girls off my Myspace page, the whole 9. Anyway, I make it home, delete Erica's number from my phone, and get out of the car.

It seemed that I was alright, until I looked back into the car. I had gotten massage oil all over the seat of my mom's car. That cost me 3 paychecks to get fixed FYI.

Nowadays, Erica is focused on her music. We keep it as just friend thing. I haven't run up in that in ages. She still apologizes about that situation from back then (that was her ex-boyfriend by the way if you couldn't tell). Everything is good now though. I have no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life giving Andrea the world and everything in it. She's wearing my ring and i'm anxious to take the dive.

...pray that I don't do anything else stupid. 



02-01-2007, 05:48 PM 
Michelle the Med Student.

Ah, ol Michelle. Michelle was one of the handful of girls that likes video games. I used to work at Gamestop a couple years ago part time. I met her when she came in to buy a copy of MK Deception. Now, she liked video games (was even good at them), and she was drop dead gorgeous. Of course there's a downside. The girl says some DUMB things...

Me: I'm going to McDonald's before I come over there. You want anything?
Michelle: Yeah, I guess i'm kinda hungry. Bring me a cheeseburger with no cheese.
Me: >_>

Me: That girl that was at the mall with you earlier had a bit of an accent. Where's she from?
Michelle: Hmm...good question. I think she's mixed with white and caucasian.
Me: ;_; 

Me: *Playing Madden with a friend*
Michelle: Can I ask yall somethin?
Me: Go ahead.
Michelle: In football, can you tackle your own teammates?
Me: Michelle, why would anybody want to do that?
Michelle: If I was playing and a teammate stole my tackle, I'D TACKLE HIM!
Me: Shut...the hell...up. Christ.

Even with her severe lack of intelligence, she was too sexy to pass up. She worked at Geico which is about a 5 minute drive from where my parents live. After I got off work, that was me and my girlfriend's time. So Michelle had to come by in the mornings on her way to work and before I left for work. She showed up several days out of the week with her work clothes in a garment bag. I'd nail her. We'd shower and get dressed together and head out the door and part ways until the next morning. It was pretty cool. She was great in bed (only bad thing was she made horrifying faces. She looked like one of the victims in "The Ring" movies. On more than one occasion I sat a pillow over her face. Or told her we HAD to do it doggystyle. She was offended.

One morning she came by as usual. She started with the oral. Somewhere along the line, either it got REALLY good or I was just lost in thought about something else. She would always warn me to let her know when I was about to nut, and I usually did. One time she literally threw up over some pre-cum. I can't tell you why I failed to warn her that particular time. But I did. It wasn't pretty. I shot off in her mouth and she made some kind of weird noise. She punched me in the chest and immediately got up and started putting her clothes on.

Me: Hey, hold up. I'm sorry about that. I don't know what I was thinking about.
Michelle: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT SHIT!!! (literally screaming at the top of her lungs).
Me: Damn, it's not like I have anything. And I ain't gonna tell anybody (back then there was no crazy story thread...tee hee hee).
Michelle: THAT WAS SO FUCKED UP STUCKEY! I have to go. I can't believe this shit...I just have to go. I'll call you later.

I tried to calm her down with no success. She just kept getting dressed, completely ignoring what I was saying. She stormed out of my room, through the kitchen, and through the living room.

Me: Dammit, Michelle! Wait the fuck up!!

She turned around, but kept walking.

Michelle: I SAID I'LL CALL YOU LAT---

*BOOOM!*

She hit the coffee table in the living room and went off the other side of it. She fell on her neck and her feet were up in the air. She was literally upside down for a few seconds.

Me: XDDDDDDD

She got up as fast as she could and kept going for the door. She called me later like she said, but it was MUCH later. To tell me she was engaged. She invited me to the wedding in May. I'll be in attendance. And feeling sorry for the man who has to put up with her stupid comments 'till death do them part' or otherwise. 


02-02-2007, 01:49 AM 
Whore of the Hardwood Floor.

Freshman year of high school, Sherod was living on the Southwest side of town behind Burger King. It was a pretty small apartment complex and strangely enough, 3 of his cousins lived over there. I'd spend my non-Andrea weekends over there playing whichever NBA Jam was out, Killer Instinct, whatever. It kept me busy, plus being able to walk to Burger King whenever I got ready was awesome. Milkshakes galore.

Anyway, back to the 3 cousins. Sherod went to Central High with me, while his cousins went to Southwest which was right down the street. One of the 3, Kandi, was the first cousin I would meet. She was my age so she was just starting out at high school just like I was. She played for the Southwest girl's basketball team. Remember our boy Alex? The trumpet player from the Laina story? He was looking for some companionship at the time. Sherod and I agreed that Kandi was a cool girl to hook him up with. She was intelligent, very well spoken, and was looking for some companionship of her own.

So one weekend, all 3 of us were at Sherod's house. We figured that was the right time to spring Kandi on Alex. Since she stayed right up the way, we decided to go round her up and we'd all walk to Burger King together. We'd introduce the two of them, get lost somewhere else, and it'd be a match made in heaven. We came outside to something very suspicious...

The way the apartments were set up, there was one row of apartments facing the front. These were the larger apartments that had decks on the back with stairs leading down to the ground. When you went behind the building, there was another row of apartments below the ones you can see from the parking lot. These obviously had no back deck or anything like that. Kandi and her folks stayed in one of the upper level ones. We walked outside to head to Kandi's and saw 2 guys standing out on her back deck. They both had Southwest Varsity basketball jackets on.

Me: What the fuck?
Sherod: Who the hell are they??
Me: They aren't related to yall?
Sherod: Hell no. And the ball teams don't practice on the weekends. (It was a Sunday).
Alex: *laughing* Yall ain't tryin to hook me up with a ho are you?
Sherod: Naw man. She ain't like that...at least I hope not.

They began walking down the steps and we turned around and ducked back into Sherod's place. We figured we'd just go over there a bit later. After some matches of Killer Instinct and a phone conversation with my girl, we went to head back over. This time, there were 2 DIFFERENT guys leaving. And Kandi was in her fucking ROBE.

Alex: Oh HELL naw! Yall got the wrong one. I can't even do it.
Me: *laughing* Sorry about that man...we'll try somebody else.
Sherod: Hold up...what the--

As the 2 guys were leaving, ANOTHER started walking up. This one didn't have a school jacket on, but seemed to know the 2 guys that were leaving. At this point, Alex is back in the house laughing while Sherod and I stood there astonished. Me, being the glutton for trouble I am, I wanted to go over there, walk up the back steps, and see if I could see some shit through the window. Sherod, being my long lost twin brother, would join me. Alex punked out and stayed in the house playing games.

We ran across the playground area over to where her steps were. We crept up the stairs and started looking through some windows. As we were trying to see something, one of Sherod's other cousins comes out of her apartment. She sees us and yells to Sherod.

"SHEROD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

We scampered down the steps in a panic and took off for Sherod's door. His cousin was just standing there watching us streak by the playground with her hand on her hips. She was our age, so it ain't like we were in trouble or anything. We just didn't wanna get busted by Kandi. Sherod was running so fast that he ran smack into his door (which was not glass and you could easily tell it was shut the whole time). As he opened it and we went in, I glanced back at Kandi's back door and saw it began to open. I don't know if she caught a glimpse of me or not, but Sherod's other cousin didn't rat us out.

But yeah...it turns out that on that very day, Kandi screwed the ENTIRE varsity basketball team. Several team members confirmed it. One girl that didn't like her said she screwed the B-Team too, but that accusation didn't stick. Personally, if I were Alex, I would've seen what she was about just to get laid. 


02-04-2007, 02:14 PM 
Legend of Laina (conclusion)

Like i'd been saying, Me, Sherod, Alex, and Garan rode up to Kennesaw to chill with my boy Dustin. Dustin's the shy wallflower type dude, but he's lightskinned so girls eat him alive. Laina had tried to get with him a while back and he still had her number. So we planned this emergency trip to get up there and find answers (when I showed my friends the Laina story I typed up I made this issue resurface). No thanks to them niggas, I pulled Laina to the side at a party and caught up on old times with her. People in the party probably thought she was my girlfriend because she pretty much didn't leave my side the whole night. Anyway, I asked her what exactly happened on that fucked up day. Here it is...

(We were talking about how popular I was vs. how popular she was and I figured this was the perfect time to get down to business)

Me: You're a helluva lot more popular than you might think.

Laina: How do you figure that?

Me: Well, it might've just been another day to you, but remember how you had a thing for Artis?

Laina: Yeah?

Me: The day before Nicole jumped on you...we've been speculating on just what happened that day ever since you and Nicole had that fight. You're like an urban legend.

Laina: *dumbfounded look* uhh...why?

Me: What else did we have? That's all you could do in high school was do your work and be nosy. I'm just gonna come out and say it like I remember it. (I ran down that WHOLE Legend of Laina story). She was cracking up by the time I finished.

Laina: Why is that so big a deal? I know you and your boys have skipped school before (referring to her being at my girl's school that day) AND I know YOU had sex on campus before (referring to her and Artis in the individual practice room).

Me: Well, that part isn't as big of a deal as the rumors that came from it. Is there any truth to either of those? 2 dollars or 2 dicks? I HAVE to know.

Laina: Well, I can tell you what you wanna know, but you have to get me another drink.

I haul ass to get her a drink and get back to my seat.

Laina: Alright, that day, Herman had been planning on skipping school anyway. But since (Herman's mom) was teaching out there, he rode to school with her. So he had to show up first, then leave.

Me: He was planning to go see Marcus?

Laina: Right, that was his name?

Me: *knowing the saga like the back of my hand* Yeah. Marcus.

Laina: Ok. He had been planning on going to see Marcus. Since he rode with his mother, he needed a ride to FPD (my girl's old high school). So he was wanting me to take him, but I had a test that day that I needed to take. At some point that day, I was hoping I would run into Artis just to see where we stood or whatever.

As if she knew she was about to say some complicated shit and be sitting there for a while, she stretched her legs across my lap to relax.

Laina: Well, when I did run into Artis, he was in the hallway all up on Nicole. So I got pissed off. When I saw Herman again, I agreed that i'd leave school and take him to see Marcus. I didn't even care about the test.

Me: So this was around lunchtime that you left.

Laina: Yeah, I believe so. A little before lunch. So anyway, we get in the car and we're riding to FPD. Herman says he has something to ask me. He wants tips on giving head.

Me: *cringes*

Laina: *concerned look, then continues* He said that he couldn't make Marcus nut from giving oral. He wasn't doing the intercourse thing back then so that was all they had. I told him I could show him better than I could tell him.

Me: Damn...so did you show him?

Laina: I did. After we picked Marcus up. I showed them both. In my car.

That takes care of the 2 dicks rumor.

Laina: It was kind of a weird situation. It was just interpreted as a friend helping a friend.

Me: That makes sense. In a fucked up way. So you brought them back to school when you came back?

Laina: No. I dropped them off at the mall. Herman said he would walk home. I hear his mother gave him hell when he got home that night.

Me: So you dropped them off and came back to school for Artis.

Laina: Well, Herman and Marcus were talking about something so I started thinking to myself "Let me go back to school and just give Artis an ultimatim"

Me: Cause he had been saying he was gonna leave Nicole...

Laina: Right. So I get back to school before second lunch ends and I found Artis. I told him how I felt and that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. I headed for class (Band class. 5th period) and he followed me. He told me that nobody used those rooms up top (individual practice room). So we went up to the band room. Nobody was there but the instructor. We waited for him to go in his office, then went in one of the rooms.

Me: And screwed...

Laina: Yes.

Me: I wonder how it would get around that Artis gave you 2 bucks to blow him then. He says there wasn't even any oral involved.

Laina: There wasn't. Herman started that 2 dollar thing the day after all this happened.

Me: How'd that happen?

Laina: We were talking about the "lesson" I gave him and Marcus and joking around. He tapped some kid on the shoulder and told him that I did BJ's for 2 dollars. I think he was kinda mad that I was better at it than him (ShinkuuR you were right about this one). I paid it no attention and I guess since I didn't object to it, the kid thought it was true.

Me: So that's how it got around to Wayne.

That takes care of the 2 dollars rumor.

Me: But wait a minute, how did the 2 dicks at once rumor get started at our school? Herman did that too?

Laina: I don't know the answer to that myself. It had to be Herman.

I sit there for a minute taking this shit all in. 

Laina: Is that all you wanted to know?

Me: Not quite. Those rumors carried over into something else.

Laina: What?

Me: When we went to Festival that year. You and Isaac kinda got lost for a second. And his fly was unzipped the next time we saw yall.

Laina: Ok, it's weird that you remember stuff like that first of all. Second of all, that has nothing to do with the day you asked me about. So i'm not gonna answer that one.

Me: *smiles* Fair enough.

I reach into my pocket and grab 2 bucks. I hand it to her.

Laina: *laughing* And what am I supposed to do with this? What are you thinking about now?

Me: Oh, that's just for putting a lid on this story. It seems fitting.

We sat in that one spot the whole entire night. From there, we talked about other random shit. I told her a few of the crazy things i've gotten into over the years (much of it i've posted in here already). We had some laughs, and after it was all over I gave my boys the briefing. That made the whole trip worth it. Even though those niggas didn't even try to help me.

And that's it. Legend of Laina is FIN. Finally. 


02-06-2007, 10:06 PM 
My Day With Bubba

for starters, i'm a mechanical engineer. i work for the georgia power company at the local power plant. my job responsibilities consist of inspecting equipment, repairing equipment, and testing equipment for efficiency. i also work on special projects with the other engineers in which we sit around and look at floorplans all day and see if we cant add some new equipment or get some replaced. 

when we're doing this, we sometimes have to work with an Auxiliary Equipment Operator to help decide where things should be added or removed. an AEO is basically like an equipment "cop" that monitors equipment and reports when something is broken or not running correctly. earlier today, the AEO i worked with was bubba.

at first bubba seemed like all the other aeo's i've met. they don't like engineers because some of the equipment is placed in some very hard to reach areas. truth be told, some of that stuff is very dangerous to fool with just because of where its located. sometimes you may have to hang over a ledge, lean up against something hot, etc. just to do your job. i understand where they're coming from so i value their opinion when i spend the day with them. this day was weird though.

first of all bubba is known by many to be the laziest guy in a plant with 400+ people. he sits in the rest area all day and either plays solitaire or sleeps. if a supervisor tells him to do some shit, he'll do it 2 hours later or won't do it at all. when i came to work with him that day, he actually said "i'm gonna meditate untl 11 o clock" (we come in at 7). of course by meditate he meant sleep. so i went out and kept myself busy untl then. i go up on the roof of the building where my phone gets service to call my girl. when i get up there, i start getting a lot of feedback from my walkie talkie. i hear spanish cab drivers mixed with loud, ugly, moans. the spanish people thing is normal once you go up to the roof. the moans are not. i walk to the edge of the roof near an exhaust fan (they remove heat from the plant, this time of year people like to stand under them to keep warm.)

when i get to the fan, i can hear the moans from somewhere else. another walkie talkie? nope. bubba is leaning up against the fan beating his dick. he looks over at me with his dick still in his hand. i immediately start laughing. i tell him that he's been leaning on the talk button of his walkie talkie and tons of people probably heard him. he didnt say a word. he puts his pecker away and heads back to the break room. i make my phone call. as i'm talking to my wife-to-be, i look over and notice where bubba jizzed on the ground. "shit! how many did he rub out?" my girl claims i'm hating on him. we laugh (like always).

when i finished and came back to the breakroom, the phone rang the second i walked in. a piece of equipment was leaking coal and had been shut off. it would need to be washed off with water so mechanics could find the leak. i accompany bubba to go do this. 

now, the type of coal used to make fire in our plant isnt your typical coal. its more powder-like than rock-like. its very combustible and if you aggrevate it, it will begin to flame instantly. when wetting it, YOU NEVER SHOOT A STREAM OF WATER DIRECTLY AT IT. PARTICLES WILL GO AIRBORNE AND IGNITE. i guess in the 24 years bubba has worked for the company no one told him this. he shot water dead at the coal leak. it ignited. we ran. at one point the fire literally came from behind us and shot out ahead of us. miraculously, our clothes didnt catch fire and we didnt get burned. 

i let him finish washing the equipment alone.

next comes ash disposal. after the coal is burned, it creates a lot of ashes that have to be removed from the building. water is used to do this. think of it as a giant toilet. anyway, there are 3 seperate tanks of ash and it takes a ton of water to flush one. DO NOT FLUSH MORE THAN ONE TANK AT A TIME. THE WATER PRESSURE WILL BLOW THE LINE OUT AND FLOOD THE PLANT. i guess since we almost got burned alive earlier, bubba wanted to cool us off. he fired up 2 tanks. we were knee deep in water before i could say "oh shit!" i waded through the water and shut the tanks down.

i let him remove the ash on his own.

and if none of that is enough, because of the retarded shit he's done today. i had to come back to work at 11pm after getting off at 3pm...to fix what he broke. he'll pay one way or another. thats a promise. 


02-07-2007, 06:41 AM 
Why me?

Ok, the night before this story took place, my fiance had spent the night with me. Of course we did it, and of course I washed the sheets and everything afterwards. New day starts, my girl leaves for class and I leave for work, then class. In my sociology class, I had met Danielle. Danielle had a so-so face, but some ridiculously long legs. She was also in great shape and was constantly working out. 

I honestly wasn't gonna bother pursuing this one. I was gonna fight the urge, but she overheard me talking to one of my classmates about Michelle (the Med Student) and she tripped out on the story. She said I was an interesting person that seemed like I had a lot of stories like that to tell (if she only knew). As time went on, she continued to sit next to me and my homeboy and more often than not, I was telling him something shitty that had happened to me. The 3 of us would trip out about it and as class ended, I would notice her trying to hang around me a lot. I guess she was shy about approaching me from the "i like you" angle, so I had to do it for her. I told her she had a great figure, which made her open up to me a little more. Maybe a day later, she gave me her number. Maybe 3 days after that, she came home with me after class. This brings me back to the day the story took place.

She sat down on the couch in the living room and I offered her something to drink. Then we sat there and chatted for a while. She then excused herself to go to the bathroom. When she came out, she said she wanted to see my room. I escort her there and she sits on the bed and crosses her legs (I literally had to turn and face another direction to hide my wood after she did this). It was so obvious what she wanted that she might as well have had "I want cock" written on her forehead. I tell her to "get comfortable" hoping that her shy ass knows what that means while I go to the bathroom.

When I get in the bathroom, something kinda hits my nose. I'm thinking she did a #2 in here. Normally, if a girl spends 5 minutes in the bathroom, you think it's normal as far as #1 goes. Seeing as they don't have the convenience of "whipping it out and lettin loose" like us fellas. But what I thought was the normal time for a #1 was a very quick #2. I laugh to myself for her taking a speed-shit in my bathroom. I do my thing and come back to the room. She's still sitting on the edge of the bed, but I don't think she's comfortable.

At least she didn't look like it, but it looked good to me. She had undressed and when I walked into the room, she took her leg and put it behind her head. This put her pussy in plain sight. She pet it in a way that pretty much said "come get it". She didn't have to tell me twice. As I got undressed and was about to go in my drawer for a condom, she says "wait...I wanna suck it". The shyness damn sure flew out the window quick. I oblige and she starts going to work. She begins fingering herself while she blows me, but I think it unfair for her to have to do all the work. I move her hand out the way and start to finger her myself. It started getting good to her or something because she started rocking back and forth as I did it. After a while of that, I tell her to lay back on the bed. I turn around to grab a condom from my dresser drawer. Unfortunately, I'd no longer need it when I turned back around.

When she was doing all that wiggling around as I fingered her, she had worked a fuckin HUGE SKID MARK on my fuckin sheet. It was a cookie-sized shit circle! Fuckin disgusting. She hadn't looked back at where she was sitting until she caught me looking at it. She gasped like she was about to have a heart attack or something. I lost wood quickly. Dammit.

It was no use after that. I couldn't get it up. I told her maybe some other time as I showed her the door. As she was leaving she asked "you aren't gonna tell your boy this story, are you?" (no, just a bunch of folks on a message board, Shawshit Redemption). Now, this created another problem if you believe that. You see, my girl was supposed to be going to work around that time, but they called her and said they needed no help. She called me and said she was on her way to my house. I start to think that even though I had shit on my bed sheets, it was a blessing in disguise. What if she didn't call and just came through and saw Danielle's car? Or worse, caught the 2 of us in the act?

I don't have time to think too long because my girl's in the car heading my way and I got shitty sheets (that I had just washed the night before when she was here). If she sees i'm washing the sheets yet again, she's gonna know something is up. I throw the sheets in the washing machine and check my wallet. I got 50 bucks to my name. I don't wanna spend my last, but she can NOT come in the house and see me washing these sheets. By the time she got to my house, it was time to put them in the dryer. I tossed them in, ran outside, and met her in the driveway. We went bowling ($20), then to Chili's ($28). We went to her place for a while then she dropped me off at home. I gathered my sheets and put them back on the bed. Thank goodness all the turd residue came off (along with the smell).

And to top it off, I never got to fuck Danielle. The embarrassment was too much for her to take I guess. She dropped the class. I bet the next time she tries to pull off a speed-shit, she'll take her time when wiping. 


02-09-2007, 03:42 AM 
Don't Quit Your Day Job.

I don't know what it's like in other parts of the country (or world for that matter) when it comes to celebrities, but down here in the south, celebrities have received a good number of "reality checks" in the club. Especially black celebrities. Be it an athlete, singer, actor, whatever. While i've witnessed celebrities get into it while they're hanging out at some clubs in Atlanta, this story is about the only altercation i've had with a well-known celebrity. It didn't go so well.

When I posted the conclusion of the Laina story, I mentioned my friend Dustin who goes to school up in Kennesaw, Ga. Kennesaw is about a good half hour outside of Atlanta and this is a VERY good thing for the people of Kennesaw. Because Kennesaw sucks mad ass. It seems like the town is fuckin deserted after 7 or 8 o clock. After the 5 o clock rush hour traffic, people go home and stay home. So unless Dustin knows of some shit going on at the school campus, we have to take our asses to the A. This would be one of the Atlanta weekends. It was myself, Dustin, Sherod, and Dustin's friend James. 

To refresh your memory about the people in this story, i'll start with me. I have a habit of being rude, blunt, and even somewhat violent-natured. I'm not a thug, I just don't manage my anger as well as I should. Thankfully, i'd gotten closer to God and closer to my girl and have cleaned up my act considerably by the time this story took place. Sherod is more or less exactly like me, which is why we're the best of friends. Only thing is, he hasn't cleaned his act up that much. Dustin is the quiet dude from a wealthy family going to school to be a doctor just like his dad. He's one of those guys that'll get a lap dance at a strip club and try to "save" the stripper. "Why are you doing this?" "You don't have to do this. You can go to school blah blah blah" Not understanding that some of these broads bring in more loot than his dad even. But like I mentioned in the Laina conclusion, the girls LOVE Dustin. It's amazing how many girls he could pull from just walking to his mail box if he was just interested in them. (He's the settle down-get married type.)

Now James is like Sherod and I x 10. Even I go on about how rude he is. He talks to Dustin like he's nothing, but Dustin just laughs it off. Some kind of way, the 2 of them are good friends. He knows the good spots to hit in Atlanta since he lives there, so we scoop him up on this night as soon as we get to Atlanta. He tells us he wants to go to Frequency in Buckhead since he's never been before. We consider going to a strip club, but Dustin'll fuck that up with his morals and shit. Frequency it is. We pay and go inside.

Frequency is a 2nd floor spot on the strip in Buckhead. Pretty nice club. Nicer than anything in Macon. They have bars on the inside, and on the balcony outside. Also poles that broads can dance on and a pretty good bit of space (which is good in a club with black folks. step on somebody's Jordan's and that MIGHT be your ass...). The first thing I notice when we get in is this bartender. Her FACE made me pop a boner (which amazed me) AND she had the body to go with it. Too bad she was running back and forth like a chicken with her head cut off serving drinks to everybody. I figured i'd come back later when it calmed down some and see what I could do.

So I get 2 beers (double-fisting nigga), get on the dance floor, and i'm immediately approached by this redbone chick. She was kinda 'meaty' but very cute and was dressed nice. I figured what the hell, i'll dance a few songs with her. When I got bored (and needed more brew) I decided to check out the balcony area. To my surprise, the broad I was dancing with followed me out there. This sucked because I saw a girl in a mini-skirt and specs that I wouldn't have minded boinking. I decided to employ the Stuckey shuffle on the broad I was with. 

1) I bought 2 more beers.
2) Stood and talked to redbone until the current song went off.
3) Did the "OH SHIT THAT'S MY SONG" when the next song came on.
4) Hurried to the dance floor (with her behind me)
5) Poured a trail of beer on the dance floor as I walked (at a rather brisk pace).

She slipped (like they ALWAYS do...that's some club etiquette for yall. The Stuckey Shuffle is copywritten btw.) I seperated myself from her, but I would have to make a long lap back to the balcony. As i'm walking, I notice the chick at the bar isn't busy with customers anymore. Fuck the mini-skirt girl, I couldn't pass this up. Wouldn't you know it, someone else makes it to the bar with the same intention as I at the exact same time. The person?

Chris Tucker.

Now, since I had been in the club I had ran into Josh Childress (of our sorry ass Atlanta Hawks team), and one of the members of Trillville (did a 'joint' album with Lil Scrappy some years ago...I don't know how well they're known outside of the south). I have to admit, I was more pleased to see them than Chris Tucker. For one, in my humble opinion, the nigga hasn't said anything funny since the original Friday. For two, I feel as though he's given parts in movies because of his silly ass voice and the dances he does, making him a modern-day Sambo. All he needs is some sand, tap shoes, and black face paint and he'll be set. Fuckin jigaboo. Lastly, I figured he would have this chick bagged because of his fame and fortune. To my surprise, I was wrong. Dustin walks up.

Naturally, the bartender chick starts melting at the sight of him. This makes me look over at Mr. Tucker and kinda giggle. I hoped for Dustin to keep her attention long enough to make Chris get pissed and leave, then i'd let Dustin fuck it up on his own, then she'd be mine. Chris wouldn't easily be moved though.

Chris Tucker: *kinda nudges Dustin to the side* Excuse me miss. Let me get a bottle of Bombay Sapphire.
Bartender: We do carry that here, but we can't let you have the bottle for security reasons.

He goes into something else, Dustin starts running his mouth off at me. He hasn't even spoken to the girl yet. He had to notice her ogling him, but that's our boy Dustin. As he's talking to me, Sherod and James walk up. Sherod's hair is wet.

Me: What the hell happened to you?
Sherod: James spilt his fuckin drink on me.
James: I'm SO sorry dog. I'm kinda fucked up. My bad man.
Sherod: It's ok. You're straight. *looks over at Chris Tucker*
Sherod: Hey, is that?
Me: Yep. Mr. Funny Man.
James: Funny? Man please. *raises his voice so Chris can hear him* They hardly laughed at that nigga at Def Comedy Jam. Them muthafuckas used to laugh at ANYTHING!

Chris looks over in our direction, not knowing who said this. He's now holding a glass of Bombay (this is expensive gin, btw).

James: Got a problem?!
Sherod: *to Chris* Don't do that to yourself. You a long way from home, my boy. (Chris Tucker's from Decatur, but fuck that. Nigga's Hollywood now.)
Me: And that ain't no Bombay either. You just paid 30 dollars for some Seagram's.

*bartender chick laughs, knowing i'm right*

Dustin is standing there looking stupid. At this point, i'd like to kick Tucker's ass for bringing shame to black cinema. And I think he wanted to kick our ass for being real with him. To hell with autographs, the truth hurts. He starts walking toward us, and he kinda slipped on something on the floor. It sorta looked like he was about to take a swing at one of us. James jumps out in front of us and throws a punch. He hits Dustin square in the jaw on accident. Chris is a smart man and can tell we mean business so he backs away and goes back to VIP (with his Seagram's...fucker). Dustin leans up against the bar holding his jaw. Sherod and I laugh.

After that, it was kinda standard club fare for the rest of the night. I ran into the mini-skirt and specs chick and got her number. Tried to fuck her in her raggedy ass car a few weeks later (another story perhaps). Never did get the bartender chick, but I guess it's for the best. Until this past weekend, that was the last time we had gone up to see Dustin (This was toward the end of '05 iirc). Tellin this story kinda makes me wanna go back up there, round up James and hit the club once more.

But yeah, we punked Chris Tucker like Ashton Kutcher. It's a man's world in the south, bitches. 


02-11-2007, 02:29 PM 
Real Gangstas Play Madden (with honor)

This story takes place just yesterday after I got off work. My boys Sherod, Garan, Rodriguez, Darrell and Derrick (the twins), and Freaky Mark put on a Madden tournament at a local sports bar with a grand prize of 500 bucks. Since I would have to work the day of the tournament, I was unable to participate. The night before, I did take Sherod around to handle business for the tournament and helped draw up the brackets. He invited me to stop by and chill after work, which I did. My boy Xavier (the same guy from the Laina joint) was my favorite to win this thing. Little did I know skill would have nothing to do with this one. This tournament was more cutthroat than presidential elections.

I arrived at the bar to find Xavier standing outside talking on his cell phone. He tells me his boy Squirt put him out of the tournament in the first round. I'm pretty stunned because i'm a fairly decent Madden player and Xavier filets my ass every single time. By more than 21 points on average. I go on inside to see what's going on. When I get inside, Freaky Mark is getting PUMMELED 46-0 in the 4th quarter by some white dude (for this story, i'll call him White Dude). I'm stunned at this too because Freaky Mark filets my ass almost as bad as Xavier (I guess I just suck at Madden huh?). The game ends and Freaky hadn't scored a single point. I locate Sherod and he gives me the war report.

Sherod: What up, my boy?
Me: Whats up homes?
Sherod: Xavier got put out man.
Me: Yeah, I saw him outside. Who is this that just kicked Freaky's ass?
Sherod: Some dude from Jackson. I think he's gonna win it all.
Me: What about Squirt?
Sherod: He'll probably make it to the finals, but this cat here is serious.
Me: Agreed. 

And as the matches proceeded, it looked like this would definitely be the case. Squirt just put the finishing touches on some guy shortly after White Dude destroyed Freaky. Xavier came back inside and we started talking about random shit. Of course I bragged on the Gators winning the championship and stuff like that. I also ordered some food since it looked like i'd be there for a while. The next round came up and the White Dude was put up against a guy that had made almost 1,000 bucks in sidebets thus far (I'll call him Side-bet) by betting on himself and winning games. The game started out pretty close. As the 3rd quarter got underway, White Dude started pulling away with the lead. Here's where things get very shady.

With about 1:50 left in the 4th quarter, Side-bet starts going off about White Dude cheating. Sherod and the facilitators come over to hear Side-bet's argument. He accuses White Dude of nano-blitzing. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a "glitch" in the Madden games in which a linebacker can break through the offensive line at will, untouched, as soon as the ball is snapped. While this is cheating, consider 2 things.

- When Sherod ran the instant replay of the last play they ran, White Dude did not nano-blitz. He did not blitz at all actually.

- Side-bet waited until there was less than 2 minutes in the 4th quarter to complain about the cheating.

Now since I didn't have a hand in starting this tournament, I couldn't speak up in White Dude's defense. Sherod says "Glitch or no glitch, you should've said something about this shit IMMEDIATELY so we could watch the instant replay." Since none of the facilitators even know what the glitch is, they don't try to argue that White Dude did not cheat. They just think it shady that Side-bet waited so long to report it. After nearly an hour of bickering and demonstrating the glitch, White Dude and Side-bet agree to start the game over. Side-bet makes a phone call before the rematch is set up.

I'd say midway through the 2nd quarter, 6 guys come into the tournament. They're wearing all black, several of them with a mouth full of gold teeth. They bought beers from the bar and came inside. White Dude glances over at them. Side-bet starts smiling. Of course since there's only 1 other white person in the room besides White Dude, he gets scared as fuck. It appeared that if he won the match (fair or not), he'd get his ass beat by these thugs. He makes the wise decision of throwing the match with mediocre play. He kept it close to make it convincing, then threw an interception with a minute left in the 4th quarter. The score is 13-10. Winner: Side-bet.

White Dude leaves the room and goes out to the bar and orders a drink. I pull Sherod to the side:

Me: Yall did that dude wrong man.

Sherod: You know my take on it. Side-bet should've called that shit a long time ago, the rest of the crew wanted them to play it over so it's out of my hands.

Me: This tournament is mad racist. He probably said the N-word like 40 times on his way to the bar.

Sherod: XD

Sherod steps out to go apologize to the guy. I turn my attention back to the game. A few seconds later, I hear glass break. If White Dude did say the n-word 40 times on the way to the bar, it appears he had just made it 41. He slammed his beer bottle on the bar, breaking the glass, and started to storm off. As he went out of the door, Sherod literally kicked White Dude in the ass which sent him sprawling out into the parking lot. If White Dude was gonna do something that stupid, he should've just won the Madden match.

Luckily, Sherod didn't make matters worse by going after him again. White Dude just got up and went to his car. Side-bet ended up winning the tournament in the final match against Squirt. His gangster friends left afterwards.

Now tell me that ain't some cutthroat shit. He accused a guy of cheating, then cheated himself by calling his mob up to the bar for the rematch. He made a killing off side-bets and the 500 dollar grand prize. Sherod said they'd do another tournament in the summer. I'll be on board for that one. And things'll be done right. Cause I don't play that shit. And I still say to hell with Chris Tucker. 


02-12-2007, 10:41 PM 
Bitches Ain't Shit.

Part 1: The Gift.

This story starts in Biology class at Georgia Southern. Freshman year. I had a Biology teacher with VERY bad lisp. You could hardly make out some of the words he said, and he tended to double-talk a lot (he'd tell you one thing, then later contradict it, then have to start all over with the explanation. It was hell taking notes). This made the class very confusing for common folk. Since I had always had an interest for Science, I had some prior knowledge and didn't run into these issues. In fact, I would have to correct him on things from time to time.

This made me pretty popular in the class among the students that needed extra help. Through a lot of people questioning me and wanting to meet in the library to go over things, I met Lynette. To be quite frank with you, I wanted to knock her boots when I first met her. She was that ill. Back then, I had a policy where I refused to fuck anybody stupid (later, i'd drop the policy and fuck Michelle's dumb ass). My reason for this was because fucking a stupid girl can create problems if you're already in a relationship. It's the stupid ones that call/come by when they aren't supposed to and the like. Therefore, I always got to know the girl before-hand. To make sure she didn't have these tendencies. Lynette was a special case. I would've hit no matter what. Luckily, she was very intelligent. She was going to school to be a registered nurse and interned at the school clinic (I was fortunate that she didn't see me come in when I got burned that time). 

The only problem Lynette seemed to have academically, was the main problem she didn't need. She passed most of her classes with flying colors, but averaged C's in all the science related classes for her major. It was just something she wasn't getting. So she approached me one day after Biology class asking for my help. I told her she could meet me on the days we had Biology, about 2 hours before class at the library. Through that, she started improving her grades and we moved on to other things outside of studying. She'd come to my dorm to chill, we'd go out to movies, dinner, and bowling (at the SHITTY Statesboro bowling alley). This girl wasn't a fuck-buddy, she was one of the few females I could call a friend.

One day when she was chilling at my dorm, she tried to put the moves on me. We had just come from dinner and she came up to watch some tv. We were watching the Tom Green show and of course laughing. When she'd laugh though, I notice she'd always put her hand on me. First on my shoulder, then on my leg somewhere. And eventually my junk. I had been trying to conceal my wood from her being all up on me, but when she put her hand in my lap she knew right away. I guess she thought this was the opportune moment to trap me.

Lynette: Ooh. You alright, friend? *she's rubbing my crotch now*
Me: ^^; My bad. You were sittin kinda close.
Lynette: Don't apologize.
*awkward silence*
Lynette: So, what are we gonna do about that?
Me: Umm...

At this point, I was still kinda nervous about putting my dick in ANYBODY at that school. I'll say it again, THAT CATHETER FUCKING HURT! I politely told her that I couldn't do anything and reminded her that I was in a relationship. She was understandably pissed. After all, I did have a boner and she knew I had a history of "extra-curricular activity". She says that she feels insulted and she immediately sees her way out of my dorm. 

I start to feel bad, not only because I wanted to fuck her but punked out. But because I had pissed her off and we have to be in class together. I don't like shit like that. Having work/class with a girl that you have beef with. Things went on that way for a good part of the remainder of the semester. One day, in class, something very odd took place though. 

Part 2: The Curse.

Toward the end of the semester, we had an in-class project with using a stethoscope. It was a graded assignment where we had to find another student's pulse rate. Lynette had some trouble hearing a pulse though. Now everyone in the class had some idea that she and I had a problem with one another. She'd make snide comments about me during class and always balled her face up when she looked at me. I don't think she could've made it any more obvious she didn't like me if she just came in class and blew my brains out. Ironically, of all the students in the class, my pulse was probably the loudest. The teacher had taken our pulse rates before this project (which he used to grade with). I had checked my own and knew that it was normally around 59 bpm when I was at rest and not moving around a lot.

Teacher (can't remember his name, he was foreign): Now, Lynette, I know that you and Mr. Stuckey have some kind of bad history, but he has the loudest pulse in the class. If you can't hear his, you can't hear anybody else's.

With this, Lynette got up and walked towards me. I held my arm up when she got there and when she leaned forward to listen to my pulse I whispered "It's 59." She snapped back at me "I wanna hear it myself!". Not surprisingly, she couldn't fucking hear it. In her defense, there were students around us talking. The teacher suggested we go to the supply closet to cut out the outside noise. We went in and shut the door. In this room, there are various chemicals, bandages, an eye-wash station, dead frogs waiting to be dissected, etc. There was a chair in the far end of the closet. I go to it and take a seat. I tell her again "If you can't hear it, just tell him 59." 

"Shhh!"

Fine. I sit there and catch myself looking at her leaning over me. She's wearing an orange sundress and looking more bangable than ever. I'm brought back to reality when I remind myself that I fucked that chance up. I didn't do it quick enough however. I had already popped a boner. And I was wearing jogging pants. She looked down at it and shook her head.

Me: Oops. Did I say 59? Make that 159.

She laughed and our eyes met. I could tell she wanted it like I did.

Me: Take off your underwear.
Lynette: No. NO. Not in here.
Me: If we stay in here too long somebody'll get suspicious. We got about 3 minutes. You better think fast.

She pulled her panties down and picked her dress up. I was in her raw-dog. She shoved her tits in my face and started grinding on me hard as hell. She was trying to make me nut in 2-3 minutes. It worked. I grabbed a nearby sponge and let go in it. We hurried up and go proper and headed for the door.

Me: Tell him 59.
Lynette: Alright.

She told him and of course got a passing grade. She ended up passing Biology class. She had also found a boyfriend sometime afterwards. We fell out of touch for a while, but at least we were still on good terms. The following year I met my boy ShinkuuR through Footsie and would later meet E_VAYD. I spent nearly EVERY single day at their apartment after class and shit. They were some really cool folks to chill with, and at the same time, I kept myself (and my dick) out of trouble. One day sophomore year, I was sitting in the living room watching ShinkuuR finish Final Fantasy X. I received a call from Lynette.

Lynette: What's up?
Me: Chillin. How you doin?
Lynette: I'm fine. You didn't hear me speakin to you earlier on campus?
Me: (I had heard her, but ignored it trying to stay out of trouble) No I didn't see you.
Lynette: Well, I got an apartment now. I wanted to see if you wanted to come through.
Me: I don't know about that.
Lynette: Well if you change your mind i'll be here all night. (She told me the apartment complex and apt. number.)

I sat there and watched Rashid play a bit more and my urge got the best of me. I hopped up and jetted out the door. Not telling Shinkuu or E_VAYD where I was going.

I get there and she comes to the door in a robe. There's nothing on underneath it. She had made some margaritas so she hooks one up for me and I have a seat on the couch. To make a long story short, I sat there and got a buzz while she was all up on me similar to the way she was in my dorm. A few drinks later she escorted me to her bedroom. She starts lighting candles and put a picture of her boyfriend face down on the dresser.

Me: Naw, let me see the nigga!
Lynette: XD 

She walks over to her nightstand and grabs a box. She sits down beside me and opens it up. It's an engagement ring. She tells me that her man had just proposed to her earlier that day.

Me: And what did you say?
Lynette: I said yes! I'm sittin here with the ring ain't I?
Me: Yeah, but i'm sittin here with you. And that ring is in a box.
Lynette: Well, you didn't come here so we could get into all that. You came here to get into this...

She gets up and pushes me back on the bed. She starts stripping for me. It looks ill in the candle-light. Plus i'm hammered. Engaged or not, I MUST beast that ass. And I did. I smashed the pussy like baby aspirin. It was so good that I even cuddled with her scandalous ass afterwards. Then it happens. She reaches back over on the nightstand and grabs the ring again.

Lynette: You know, you can put an end to this.
Me: What? Put an end to what?
Lynette: Me getting married.
Me: .....
Lynette: If you say that you'll be with me, i'll give him this ring back and call it off.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Lynette: What do you mean? Why did you come over here? Why are you in my bed holding me?
Me: Good question.

I get up and start getting dressed.

Me: You know what? You aren't as smart as I gave you credit for.
Lynette: *starting to cry* What?!
Me: Why would I want to be with you after what you did to him? *pointing at her man's picture* How do I know you won't do some bullshit like that to me?
Lynette: Because I think I love you.
Me: YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO ME IN MONTHS. That's them margaritas talking. You don't even know what love is. You're in love with an idea.

As i'm walking out of her room...

Me: Bitches ain't shit. 


02-15-2007, 09:24 PM 
Bauer Should Work For Georgia Power.

I say this because even though the positives outweigh the negatives by far, absolute hell on earth can take place in the plant I work in. Seriously. I'm about to run down the strangest 8 hours i've ever spent making money. So much dumb shit when on that I may miss a detail or two, which i'll post in a later update. The times are of course approximate. Here goes.

6:30 AM: I pull up in the parking lot next to a dingy, white, pickup truck. It's cold as hell outside this time of morning so I park as close as I can. I notice that the lights are still on on the truck that i'm parking next do. As I get out of my car and walk around to the trunk to put my steel-toe boots on, I glance at the license plate and try to memorize it so I can go in and call it out on the paging system. I figure it'd be my good deed for the day.

6:32 AM: That's what I get for being nice. Turns out I wouldn't have to page anybody because the person is still inside the truck with the ignition shut off and lights on. I walk around to the driver side to see if he's alright. It's Bubba. Sitting in his truck sleeping. Since he damn near killed me some days ago, I figured i'd get his ass back. I unlock my car door and honk my horn. I drive a 2008 Civic Si Coupe and they're known for having obnoxiously loud ass horns. I open the door and lay on it really good. The truck bucks a little bit and I can tell he's awake in there. He immediately gets out. I make no effort to hurry and close my door to conceal what I did. When he gets out, he has piss on the bottom of his shirt. It's obvious he had had his cock out in the fuckin truck and as Shinryukev likes to call it "woafa'd". Knowing that it's hard as hell to hold your piss after you've already started, he doesn't take the time to curse me out. He sprints toward the building. I laugh to myself. It's gonna be a great day.

6:50 AM: I walk into the shift foreman's office to find out where my services will be needed that day. He tells me to go to Unit 4 (There are 4 units in this particular plant and each unit is like it's own power plant, independently putting out a maximum of 880 Megawatts per hour of electricity. They were numbered in the order they were built.) Unit 4 is the newest, cleanest, and best running unit in the plant so now i'm SURE it's gonna be a great day.

7:02 AM: I get to Unit 4 to find out what my assignment is. It's not gonna be a great day. Mr. Minton (runs Unit 4) gives me 4 P.M.'s (preventive maintenance) and 2 work-orders. My plan is to not waste any time. I'm going to get these over and done with, then i'm gonna sit on my ass the rest of the day. Before I start, I go to the men's room to take a leak.

7:26 AM: As i'm taking a leak at the first stall (which is directly ahead when you walk through the bathroom door), a contractor bursts in. He pulls his dick out before he even gets to the urinal. "LAWD! I GOTTA PISS!" He slips and falls on his stomach with his dick out. I turn around to see if he's alright, but for a brief moment forgot that I was still pissing. I pee all over the wall, my left shoe, and the bottom of my pant leg. I think to myself "that's enough urine incidents for one day"...

7:27 AM: I'm helping the contractor up (he was kinda up in age). As I help him up and ask him if he's alright, I see that he "leaked" a bit. On the bottom of his shirt in the front. Same identical spot as Bubba. I don't laugh this time.

7:40 AM: I grab all the supplies and tools i'll need and head out into Unit 4 to get started on my duties.

8:51 AM: One of the work orders I have requires me to go outside. I stroll out the door and head toward the Top Ash house (The top ash system disposes of the last bits of light ash that don't fall into the pits. Remember the ones that Bubba almost drowned me with? Those pits.) I'm walking across the little road, and as I look both ways for traffic, I glance up and see what could quite possibly be considered a tsunami of water falling from the top of the precipitators. (Precipitators are electric plates that catch the top ash so it doesn't go into the atmosphere and pollute the air on it's way out of the plant. It appears someone turned the system on and left it on too long and more water was going in than discharging. I don't believe I have to tell you who it was. (If I do, this happened on Unit 1. Where Bubba works.)

8:52 AM: I step back into the building and charge full speed to Unit 1 to wake Bubba up. When I get there, someone has already beat me to it. He's already outside with several other AEO's and contractors trying to shut the water off. I go outside to assist.

9:14 AM: The water supply valve on Unit 1 is very old and very hard to turn. It took 6 of us, taking turns, to close the line all the way off. There was so much water rushing through the line that it took all my might to move that fucking thing an inch. And I work out daily. Wouldn't be hitting the gym this day. Also when the water initially fell, it turned over a pickup truck. Bubba was SO gonna fucking get it.

9:18 AM: We get back inside the plant to dry ourselves off and look back on the situation and laugh. Besides the truck, thank God no one was in the path of that water. The water didn't hit anything electrical and I was a hero to the other engineers. Mr. Davis (runs Unit 1) is so happy about our heroics that he announces our names on the paging system. I don't too much give a shit about this as i'm cold and wet. I'd dry off and finish my P.M.'s and work orders and take my ass home.

10:30 AM: Breakfast is served and I head to the cafeteria to get my boiled eggs and oatmeal (i'm on a strict diet at the moment...trying to get my physique to god tier status). As I come through the line to pay. Trista reminds me that I saved the plant earlier. 

Trista: What's up hero?
Me: ...hello.
Trista: Happy Valentine's day...2.08.
Me: *pays* Thank you.
Trista: So what do you have planned?
Me: My girl is in California. I had a gift mailed to her, but I don't have plans.
Trista: Aww...well take it as easy as you can for the rest of the day.
Me: I will. Believe that.

10:46 AM: Trista sits next to me at the table where i'm eating alone.

Trista: I'm gonna sit with you if you don't mind.
Me: Sure, go right ahead.
Trista: So what's your girl doing all the way in California?
Me: Internship. She works with Ralph Lauren.
Trista: SHUT UP!
Me: ...
Trista: Are you serious?!
Me: Yeah...
Trista: So are you being faithful while she's out there?
Me: Most of the time *jokingly*
Trista: MOST OF THE TIME?!
Me: Yeah. I'll be faithful today at least since it's v-day.
Trista: Hmm. That's too bad.
Me: O_o
10:50 AM: When I ask Trista what she meant by the statement, she told me that she didn't have any plans either and that she and I could hook up if I was still "playing the field". I politely pass on it. It's about time to get back to work.

11:40 AM: I get paged by the shift foreman. He tells me he has some overtime available on the evening shift and I could have it if I liked. With the day I had been having, I didn't want to spend an extra second in this place. I politely pass on it.

11:47 AM: I'm standing outside checking my voicemail and I get onto SRK to see what's been posted. I post in this very thread saying that I had a fucked up day at work and i'd write a story about it later.

12:15 PM: I have 1 more P.M. to go. Before I can start on it, I have to go to the Water Treatment Lab to get them to bypass the equipment I have to perform maintenance on (so water doesn't shoot all over me while i'm working). To get to the lab (there's one lab for the whole plant), I have to go through Unit 1's control room.

12:21 PM: I arrive in the control room to see Bubba in a heated argument with Mr. Davis. It appears that he's (FINALLY) had enough of Bubba's fuck-ups. It was time to pay the piper. Since Bubba had already been hired as an electrician, he started slipping on his responsibilities while waiting to start the new job. The two of them were going back and forth. I stand there because i'm nosy. After a while, I get bored and go to walk off. As soon as the two of them are out of my sight, I hear a loud bang. I back up.

12:23 PM: Bubba is on the floor. Mr. Davis had just hit the hell out of him with his own hard-hat. I laugh quietly to myself as Mr. Davis calmly calls security on himself and sits and waits for them to escort him off the plant site.

12:26 PM: I get to the lab and hand them the P.M. sheet. They bypass the equipment for me and i'm on my way back to Unit 4. As i'm walking through Unit 4's control room, someone says there's a call for me.

12:34 PM: It's Alonzo. He doesn't sound very pleased.

Alonzo: What's up Stuckey, this is Alonzo.
Me: What up homes?
Alonzo: Hey man, I heard you was in the cafeteria fuckin with my girl.
Me: Trista? That's you?
Alonzo: Yeah that's me. Somebody told me you were eatin lunch with her and she was whispering in your ear and shit. I don't want a problem with you, but i'm gonna need you to not to mess with my girl.
Me: You said it yourself homes. She was whispering in MY ear. Check her, not me. Toodles. *dial tone*

1:27 PM: It's time to sit around. I've completed my last P.M. And i'm hoping to get some peace and quiet. I walk outside to check SRK once again, then call my girl. I figure it's a reasonable time now since it's 10:30 out west.

1:30 PM: My lady sounds very happy to hear from me. She had received her gift at her door right before I called. 3 expensive ass Vermont Teddy Bears. She says she loves them and she loves me. Plenty of gooey shit going on. She says she has a gift for me. It's a song she wrote. She sings it to me over the phone. I enjoy it. She even played the piano. I could tell she had spent a good bit of time working on it. I get off the phone with her feeling rather bubbly.

2:01 PM: I run into Mr. Minton (who i'd been trying to avoid). He tells me I look like I need something else to do. He hands me yet another work order. Thankfully it's a short one.

2:05 PM: Yeah, a very short one. I retire to the break room where i'd spend the rest of the work day.

2:23 PM: Alonzo comes down to Unit 4 to pay me a visit.

Alonzo: Hey, Stuckey. Like I said man, I don't want no problems with you.
Me: And you don't have one with me. Everything is peace.
Alonzo: I'm just sayin man, stay away from my girl.
Me: ....ok.
Alonzo: Aight?
Me: WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY NIGGA? WE CAME TO A UNDERSTANDING DIDN'T WE?
Alonzo: ....
Me: *stands up* DIDN'T WE ALONZO?! I'M PRACTICALLY MARRIED HOMEY. I DON'T NEED ANYTHING TRISTA HAS. YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO APPROACH ME ABOUT THIS AGAIN.
Alonzo: Stuckey, don't raise your voice at me.
Me: You sadden me. Leave before you get tossed up.

2:25 PM: We have an awkward stand-off for a while. He has no idea what i've been through thus far today and if I have to pull a Mr. Davis hard-hat smash on him, I will. He gets the point and walks out of the door.

2:30 PM: I grab my stuff and leave. Since I had arrived 30 minutes early, fuck it. I'd leave early.


02-18-2007, 10:09 PM 
Bad News.

SRK, I wanna fuck the local news lady. Badly. I'd use a whole case of Viagra on her. I'd knock her pussy out of the socket. I'd put her in the hospital for stitches...just like she did me.

Some years ago, when I decided to get serious about getting in shape, I had a brilliant idea. I'd go to the Gold's Gym not far from where I lived, and i'd pay for 3 years membership. All at once. I figured if I blew this much money at once, it would force me to get my ass up and go workout regularly. I was right and I have been working out on a regular basis ever since. There wasn't much in the way of women as incentive. I met Liyha there (which led to the only 2 threesomes i'll probably ever have), but outside of her, it was pretty disappointing at first. I had expected to go in on my first day and see nothing but dimes sculpting and maintaining their perfect figures. Since joining umpteen years ago, i've met 2 asian chicks (1 lesbian, and 1 in a serious relationship...no luck there), Liyha (plenty of luck there, plus she's part-asian), and a celebrity of sorts.

Or a local celebrity i'd say. She's the 'news lady' around these parts and has been for a while now. I remember her coming into TJ Maxx back when I was working there and she'd pretty much capture everybody's attention. Back then, I didn't watch the news worth a shit so I didn't even know who she was. And when I found out, I didn't really care. She was in her work attire which usually consisted of a blazer and a skirt that went all the way down to her ankles. I wasn't impressed. Her face isn't anything to write home about (her nose is kinda big), and she was too covered up to notice anything else. 

So one day i'm at Gold's on the treadmill. I had been up there for 20-30 minutes when a couple of firemen walked in. They had their heavy jackets on that they fought fires in, and big silver tanks on their backs. Behind them was a new face. Someone I hadn't seen in the gym before. Her hair was in a pony tail, she had on a blue sports bra showing off a great six-pack, and matching (TIGHT) blue shorts. She was very short, but hot as fuck. I couldn't see her face as she was standing near the firemen. As they walked her over to sign in as a guest, and she turned around I recognized her. I could tell by the nose. It was the news lady. Apparently she had come in with them. She had interviewed these men a few yards away at the fire station (you could stand outside the gym and see their firetrucks parked in back). And they had invited her over to workout with them or something. Due to it being around 4 o clock, the gym was heavily populated so only a few treadmills and ellipticals were free. The firemen would let the news lady have the last treadmill and they took 2 ellipticals directly behind me. 

She attached her ipod to her armband, put in her headphones and started jogging away. I was admiring her ass so much that I didn't notice that I had been on the treadmill for 35 or so minutes. Hell, I even forgot that I was tired as hell. And forget getting off the treadmill. If I did, someone else would grab it and I wouldn't have the lovely view anymore. I had to keep running. And more importantly, keep looking. The top of her ass cheeks jumped a bit as she ran. It had a nice rhythm to it. Kinda like those visualizations on Windows Media Player when you're listening to some tunes, it kinda hypnotizes you for a second. I was hypnotized for sure...but not for a second. As my knee started to ache, I glanced down at the timer on the treadmill. 

I had been running over 60 minutes. 

It was like my mind had been saying "NIGGA GET THE HELL OFF! YOU'RE GONNA SPRAIN SOMETHING! YOU'RE NOT LANCE ARMSTRONG!" and her ass was saying "FUCK THAT! YOU'RE MADE OF IRON! YOU CAN RUN AS LONG AS YOU WANT TO. STAY...STAY HERE AND KEEP ME COMPANY" and I was listening to her perfect ass. Once I glanced at the timer on the treadmill, it finally registered that my legs were hurting bad as hell. My left leg started to stiffen a little bit, and I stepped on the edge of the treadmill...the part that wasn't moving under my feet. This threw my timing off because I was running at a high speed and it sent me backwards.

Into the elliptical that one of the firemen was on. When I hit it, it jumped back a bit and I guess the weight of the tank he had on his back coupled with my falling was too much for him. He fell back too. Not nearly as hard as I though. And the sad part...

The entire way down when I was falling off that treadmill, I was looking at the news lady's ass. When I hit the elliptical, then the ground, I was still looking. When I cut the top of my wrist down to the white meat, I was still looking. I didn't even feel it until somebody told me I was bleeding. Then all of a sudden I decided I was in pain. Looking back on it now, I can't believe how powerless I was against that ass. It caused delayed reactions in my brain and got me hurt. After noticing I had cut myself, I started to stand up.

My legs didn't work. I had ran too damn long.

The news lady hadn't noticed this since she had her ipod going and didn't hear the commotion. When everyone in the gym started looking in my direction, she turned around and saw me laid out, and damn near fell off the treadmill herself. She stopped it and came to ask was I alright. The firemen had to help me up and gym personnel gave me a towel. I told them i'd drive myself to the charter lake hospital down the street. I could've been seriously hurt, or at that particular point, very embarrassed. But you know what?

I drove all the way to the hospital, signed in, waited, got stitched up, and sent home...with the news lady's ass in my mind. Damn I want her. 


02-22-2007, 07:49 AM 
Kitchen Pride Party!

It started out like any other wednesday. It would be my last day of work till saturday so essentially, thursday and friday is my weekend and wednesday is my 'friday'. So it's supposed to be a good day. My plan was to go pick up Virtua Fighter 5 and Crackdown after work and go home and play until my eyeballs bled. 

As I get home and freshen up to go out to the mall and buy the games, I start getting random text messages from Marcus (from the Stethoscope story. also one of Jermaine's buddies.). By now, I know the game. You see, he still doesn't have his own car just yet so i'm more or less his designated chauffeur when he wants to get around and do shit. We play text tag for a while until i'm dressed and headed toward the mall. He then decides to stop beating around the bush and tells me what he wants. I answer the phone.

Marcus: What up, bit?
Me: Chillin. On my way to buy these games, bit.
Marcus: Oh. I wanted to see if you wanted to go to my friend's birthday party.

I examine my clothes to see if i'm dressed well enough to party. I am like always because i'm awesome.

Me: Yeah man, I guess so. It's the weekend for me. What friend is this?
Marcus: Octavia.
Me: Ooooh. Well, let me stop by the mall and buy my stuff then i'll swing by.

To get it out of the way, Octavia and Marcus work at a sporting goods store together. She's fine as fuck, but she chain-smokes the hell out of some cigarettes. Yet and still, she has a great personality and one would assume she threw great parties. This is why I agreed to go. Plus, her and Marcus have had this flirty thing going on for a while now and I figure this will help him go ahead and get the draws. I'm a good friend.

So I go to the mall and buy my shit, then i'm headed over to Marcus's place. When I get there, he jumps in the car and is on the phone with Octavia.

Marcus: Ok, you said a white building, with a blue stripe going across it...yeah...and balloons...ok, well my boy just picked me up so we'll be there in a little bit. Bye. *looks at me* Umm...
Me: What?
Marcus: She gave me poor directions to get there, but you know your way around so you can probably find it.
Me: Where did she say it was?
Marcus: She said something about Kitchen Pride.
Me: ^^; *gulp* Kitchen....Pride?
Marcus: Yeah, I never heard of it.
Me: .....YOU NEVER HEARD OF KITCHEN PRIDE?!?!?!

I'll put it to you like this. Kitchen Pride is one dead body away from being Boogerbear Bottom. Yes, Kitchen Pride is a neighborhood. We have stupid neighborhood names, I know, but only for the seediest of places. Kitchen Pride is one fucked up place to drive through, much less party in. Cops go through Kitchen Pride in 3's. They don't go alone because the residents of Kitchen Pride have their OWN laws. It's kinda like Old Town in Sin City (the movie) where the hookers were runnin shit. Remember how that cop chased those guys there and hit the U-turn as SOON as he got to Old Town? That's how real it is in Kitchen Pride, nigga.

The name of the neighborhood comes from the name of the store on the corner of the neighborhood. Kitchen Pride used to be a little mom and pop spot where you could buy groceries, cd's, tupac t-shirts, and stuff like that. As gangs started to take over in the mid 90s (Kitchen Pride is run by the largest crips gang in the city), "Mom" and "Pop" got the hell outta dodge and sold the place. It's now just a liquor store (right next to a church mind you), but they kept the name Kitchen Pride. And the neighborhood slowly but surely started catching up to Boogerbear Bottom status. And I was about to go there for a party.

I basically told Marcus this same story about the neighborhood as I drove. We pull up to this rundown white building. I hear Pretty Ricky - "On The Hotline" as i'm pulling up, so i'm pretty sure we have the right place. Although I don't see a fucking blue stripe anywhere. Octavia walks outside, stands in the doorway, and takes her hair out of the pony tail it was in. As her hair drops and this song is playing, I pop a boner.

Me: Homes, I just popped a boner for your homegirl.
Marcus: *laughs* Sheeeit, me too nigga.

At this point, i'm thinking it won't be so bad. An hour and a half in here won't be so bad if all the girls look as good as Octavia. I'm concerned about my car though. I drive a rare 2006 sports car. Hell, they even broke into Jermaine's van in Kitchen Pride (!!!), so I park it around back where you can't see it from the street. I give Octavia a hug and wish her happy birthday, then leave her alone with Marcus while I check out the party.

Where the FUCK are the women at???

They got the nerve to have a fog machine, hors d'oeuvres, and a DJ, but no women. All the women that were there were so ugly, I thought they might have been retarded. My boner dropped faster than Roy Jones Jr. in the ring with Antonio Tarver. I figure i'll just drink and shoot some pool until Marcus handles his business, then we can jet. They got Budweiser in a can. And I hate Budweiser...and I hate beer in a can. "Well, I see this one gettin a lot worse..."

I walk into the pool area, grab a stick, and start to rack the balls up. Another gentleman walks in and asks if i'm playing anybody. I invite him to play me and grab a stick. He notices the red horse on my shirt and gives me a mean look...oh shit. 

So the guy says to me, "Ay homeboy. You need to cover that up." to which I say "Man fuck that. I ain't into the gang shit homes. I'm just here for the birthday party. Chill out." With that, he agrees to let it go, but he won't shoot pool with me ;_; oh well...Marcus walks in and sees me gettin ready to break. He decides that he'll play. As we're playin, we crack on the fog machine, the ugly women, and the DJ (his name is....DJ LOLLY-MO....i'm not shittin you).

Me: I'll tell you this though...
Marcus: What?
Me: You owe me homes. I can't even play wingman with these hood-boogers.
Marcus: Yeah, I figured that.

At random points in our pool match, Octavia comes in and she and Marcus get all frisky. One time, as I was waiting on them politely, the MC had arrived and got on the microphone.

"Alright yall ready to get this party started?! This is MC PERCULATOR (i'm not shittin you)!"

The whisper song by the Ying Yang twins is on, so he freestyles over it. Whispering of course. He says something about "homegrown" a couple of times and rhymes the word "Plate" with "Best". I fall out laughing. I have to go see this guy in action. As i'm walking out, Octavia's ex girlfriend (yeah...Octavia is bi-sexual) walks in. 

She sees Octavia and Marcus hugged up with one another and walks over and SLAPS Octavia. Then when Marcus says something to her about it, she SLAPS him too. I run up behind her and hem her up and Octavia slaps her back. I didn't mean for that to happen...I was just trying to break it up. As she was escorted out of the party, I got on my cell phone and warned you guys that I would have a story to tell. Little did I know, the story hadn't happened yet.

So as time passes, more people start to show up. They start lighting weed up, and bringing in better beer. In bottles. Thank God. I use the patented double-fist method and grab 2 brews and pop them open. I walk outside for some fresh air as I drink. Marcus and Octavia come out behind me and I see her hand him something. It looks like money, but it's balled up. Hmm...she goes down the street to the Kitchen Pride store to buy more liquor and Marcus walks up. 

Marcus: Stuckey, I need to borrow your car.
Me: I didn't just hear you ask me that did I? (no one drives 'Hillary' but ME).
Marcus: No, I mean just to sit in. I wanna see what this is Octavia just handed me.


I unlock the door for him and he sits down inside and unravels the money...Octavia just handed this nigga some rocks. CRACK rocks. Balled up in a dollar bill. We laugh for a while about it as I suggest he go stand on the corner and says he's got that "White gurl" for sale. Apparently, he's just supposed to hang onto it for her until she gets back from the store. When I run out of beer, I go back inside to get more. As i'm doing this, cop cars pull up with another car in front. Octavia's ex-girlfriend hops out of the car in the front and exclaims "They got weed in there!"

Seeing as this is Kitchen Pride, the cops don't bother with pepper spray. They go straight for their guns and start to head inside. Shit.... 

Me: It's a good thing I parked around back.
Marcus: Yeah, let's haul ass.

I ditch my newly-opened beers (damn) and we leave the party. At this point, i'm actually happy that the party got crashed like that. There were ugly broads everywhere, the music was bad thanks to DJ Lolly-Mo, MC Perculator couldn't fuckin rap, and worst of all, we were in Kitchen Pride. I get out of the neighborhood and start heading toward the mall. I get about 2 blocks down the street before I notice that i'm driving a little too fast.

Unfortunately a cop noticed it before me. 

He comes up behind me flashing his lights for me to pull over. Normally, i'd pull over and try to con my way out of the ticket. And if that didn't work, i'd get my cousin to just do away with any record of the ticket (she works at the city hall...connections ftw). This here wasn't a normal situation though. So instead of pulling over...

I down-shifted and began to haul ass without saying a word to Marcus. It pinned him to his seat and I heard him fart XDDDD if he shitted himself, i'd kick his ass later. I had to lose this cop first though.

Marcus: Man, what the fuck are you doing?
Me: .....

I'm concentrating and eventually tell him "i'll explain later". I pull into a gas station on my right, drive past all the gas pumps and come out on the other side. The road was too narrow to u-turn so i'd have to pull back out of the gas station to head in the other direction. The cop saw what I was doing and tried to park his car to block my exit from the other side of the gas station. Apparently he doesn't know shit about cars because Hillary is way too quick and graceful for that dumb shit. (Again, my car is a 2008 Civic Si Coupe)

When he got behind me and flashed his lights, I immediately thought about Old Town in Sin City. I was gonna test this cops' balls. NO COP rides through Kitchen Pride alone. When I pulled out the other side of the gas station, gunning it for Kitchen Pride like it was the Mexican border, the cop turns around and gives chase again. I make it back up to the street beside the Kitchen Pride store, and make the turn. Just as I thought, the cop kept straight and turned his lights off. Fucker.

But now, we were stuck in Kitchen Pride for a while. We decided to go back to the party to see if the cops were gone yet. But first I needed to talk to Marcus because he was still scared shitless.

Marcus: What the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you have a cousin that can throw your tickets out?
Me: That ain't the point. Look what side of town we're on. We were right outside of Kitchen Pride. What if he searched us?
Marcus: Yeah...so?
Me: Nigga, you still got that crack in your pocket. If I ever end up in jail, it'll be for violence...not drugs.
Marcus: Oh shit! You right...*looks out the back window* Damn Kitchen Pride IS real ain't it?
Me: Realer than a 2-dollar bill.


Marcus tosses the dope and we go back to the party. The cops have cleared up (It had only been around 15 minutes...told you KP was real) so I go to get my parking space behind the building again. Octavia is standing outside looking VERY worried. I roll the window down for Marcus to talk to her.

Marcus: What's wrong baby?
Octavia: You still got that money that I gave you?!
Marcus: I still have the money, yeah, but we almost got pulled over so I tossed the "other stuff" you gave me. I don't appreciate you handing me some shit like that either by the way.
Octavia: YOU THREW IT AWAY?!

At this precise moment, a thug sticks his head out of the door. He starts to walk toward Octavia. She looks back at him.

Octavia: He threw it away. They almost got pulled over by police.
Thug: HE DID WHAT?! THAT NIGGA AIN'T GOT MY SHIT?!?!

My engine was still running, so I reacted accordingly. I tore ass down the street. I couldn't go back the way I came because the cop might still be there somewhere, and my car sticks out like a sore thumb. It took a while after gettin lost, but I found my way out of Kitchen Pride in another direction. I dropped Marcus off at his house and got myself home in one piece. Ever since then, i've been thinking...

That cop might've got my license plate. And I don't think my cousin can help me with that one. So this story is possibly ongoing...if you come through Georgia, just stay out of Macon altogether. It's too real out here. 


02-25-2007, 11:03 PM 
By The Way...

This is a story about the only time I ever considered co-hitting a female (I will NEVER have sex with a woman if a guy's in the room. I'm talking about me or him hitting first, then leaving the room so the other guy can have his turn.) It was back in the 10th grade around the time we were just getting over the Laina situation. Basically there was this girl that had a crush on me. Her name was Maya.

Now when I was coming up, I had a VERY impressionable mind. I watched "The Mack" and used what I saw in that to talk to girls (when I was much younger...) and I listened to Jodeci's last album, The Show The After-Party The Hotel and decided that I wanted to have sex for the first time (another story for another time). I can't whole-heartedly say that movies, music, etc don't effect kids. I'm living proof that it does. Of course my parents weren't around that much to teach me anything though. So yeah...I guess it's the parents fault after all. Anyway, you'll see how this effects my judgement in this story.

Now as I was saying, Maya had a thing for me. Unfortunately for her, I was spoken for at the time. She'd always talk to her friends about me (which her friends would always call and bother me about). On Valentine's day that year, she bought me a bouquet of roses. She put "secret admirer" on them and sat them against my locker between classes. It wasn't a secret to anybody in that school who they were from. On the bouquet there was a sheet of paper folded up. I open it, and it's a fucking APPLICATION.

The girl APPLIED to be my girlfriend. It was typed and very professional. I think the fuckin girl even put her social security number on it like a real app. Now Maya wasn't bad looking. I remember her having some great legs, chocolate complexion, and being very book smart (I like a broad that can teach me some shit). Being that I was in Advanced-placement courses through high school and International Baccalaureate when I was a freshman, but still had the "bad boy" reputation, she was head over heels for me. In a lot of people's minds back then, she was obsessed with me. She treated girls I fucked at that school like they were celebrities. It got so bad that my girl even found out about her. She teased me about it mercilessly. If Maya would've knew where I lived, she probably would've stalked me and shit.

Now, a friend of mine, Henry was also kinda obsessed with me. In a different way though. Henry was a straight-laced dude. Nerdy. He loved the Killer Instinct soundtrack, only owned one rap cd (LL Cool J's Walking With a Panther...he tried to enter a freestyle circle at lunch one day and pawned LL's rhymes off as his own. He got called out and boo'ed out of the lunch room). Henry's obsession with me came from my reputation with females. He wanted so bad to have a girlfriend, that he studied me at school. I'm not kidding, the guy tried to mimic my walk, my choice of words, even my fucking HANDWRITING. And he had the biggest crush on Maya.

Knowing this, I tried to help the brotha out as much as I could. Whenever Maya would be hanging around me, I'd mention Henry. I'd try to make sure he was close-by whenever she'd approach me so I could get them talking, but he was too fuckin shy. I was trying to be a good friend, and at the same time, get them to both leave me the hell alone. One day at PE, I figured i'd have to take drastic measures. This was around the time my 10th grade year was ending. For our final test at PE, we had to walk 5 miles (spread throughout the course of a week) around the track. Maya was walking with her friend, Tolecia (who I have a story about as well), and I was walking a few yards behind them with Henry.


Me: Henry, why don't you talk to Maya when I try to put you on her?

Henry: I don't know, Stuc. I just don't know what to say.

Me: As much as you hang on every word I say, you still don't know what to say to her?

Henry: Well, that shit works for you. How do you know it'll work for me?

Me: If you say anything with some confidence about yourself, they'll listen. The only thing you need to do to get in good with a girl is let her know you're comfortable in your own skin when you're around her. That's it.

Henry: *looking at Maya's ass* Yeah...

Me: *rolls eyes* Henry, lemme ask you somethin.

Henry: Yeah?

Me: Are you a virgin?

Henry: Yeah.

Me: You don't even want to date Maya do you? You just wanna bang her.

Henry: *laughs* You're crazy man.

Me: I'm serious. If that's what you want, I can make it happen. Even better, after you get laid, maybe you'll stop being so scared. A lot of your shyness could be coming from sexual tension.

Henry: .....

Me: You want me to hook it up or what?

Henry: Hell yeah.

With that, I ran ahead to where Maya was... 

So I jog up to where Maya is. Tolecia notices me first.

Tolecia: Hey, Stuckey. We were just talking about you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Maya: Yeah...how many more laps do you have left?

Me: Hell, I don't know. Haven't been keeping track.

Maya: Oh. Where's your boy at?

Me: Henry's behind us. I actually want to talk to you for a second about that.

Tolecia takes the hint and runs ahead of us. I put my arm around Maya to better the chance of her accepting my proposal.

Me: He talks about you all the time. What do you think about yall exchanging numbers?

Maya: Doesn't he have a girlfriend?

Me: ...I wouldn't try to put you in a predicament like that.

Maya: Well, he acts like he doesn't like me. He doesn't even say hi.

Me: He gets too nervous and excited around you. As a matter of fact, do you know what he just told me?

Maya: ?

Me: He said that every time he sees you, he gets a chubby.

Maya: What's a chubby?

Me: His dick gets hard for you, Maya.

Now before any of you think i'm crazy, this statement has worked before when hooking a friend up.

Maya: *suprised look* He told you that?!

Me: Yes.

Maya looks behind us and straight in Henry's eyes. She could tell he had been looking at her ass again. And probably did in fact have a chubby.

Maya: I'm flattered, but I don't know if that'll work.

Me: If what'll work?

Maya: Going with a friend of yours. Everybody in the school knows how I feel about you, including him. I don't wanna come between yall's friendship.

Me: Well, what if you don't go with him? What if you just let him take you out sometime?

Maya: ......I don't know.

Me: What if you just gave him some?

Maya: *laughs* What??

Me: I told you how you make him feel. What if you just helped him out a little bit? He's never done it before.

Maya: What kind of girl do you think I am? I'd be helping him, but how would I be helping myself?

Me: Well, i'd appreciate you showing him a good time. Is there anything I could do to help you for helping him?

Maya: Marry me.

Me: ^^; You know I can't do that.

Maya: Spend the night with me?

Me: I can't do that either, but I can take care of you for taking care of Henry. When we get back to the gym, i'll give you my number ok? Give it some thought.

Maya: *kisses me on the lips out of nowhere* ^_^ Ok.

I slow down to let Henry catch up with me.

Now Henry had saw the girl kiss me, but ignored it out of being the biggest horn-ball in the universe. He asked me how it went and all I said was "she's bagged". I didn't even have to ponder whether or not she would accept my offer. Henry was elated. And so was I. I had just gotten another one of my friends some pussy. From their crush, no less. I felt so good about it that I started to run the track. Henry followed suit. As we came whizzing by Maya and Tolecia, they began to laugh. I figured it was just girl shit, but as more people started to laugh, I realized it wasn't.

I was running next to Henry, who had a RAGING hard-on. He was about to bust the fuckin seam of his shorts. I dropped my head in shame and ran on ahead of him. I can help him get some pussy, but I can't help him hide his fuckin cock. So time passes and we're in the gym changing out of our workout gear. I give Maya my number and tell her to get at me later. She grabs my arm and puts it around her like it had been on the track and says "I'll do it. Just tell your boy not to hurt me with that thing." We laugh and I assure her that he's a virgin and it'll probably be over before she knows it. I share the good news with Henry once we get out of her sight.

Me: Look man. She said she's down.

Henry: ;) For real?

Me: Yeah, but before you get all excited...

Henry: *turns to a look of concern* What?

Me: She told me to tell you not to kill her with that thing.

Henry: XD Good lookin out, Stuckey.

Me: Yeah. Don't wimp out. I'll get with you when she's free and we'll go to her house or something.

About a week passed, with Henry asking me every day have I talked to Maya. He's very anxious to do the do, but we had to wait until she'd be home by herself. About a week and a half from setting it up on the track, she calls me and says to come through with Henry. I borrow my mom's car, scoop him up, and head to her house. I hand him a condom before we get out of the car and ask "You do know how this works don't you?" He laughs and we head inside. Tolecia is there with Maya. They're in the kitchen making something to eat. 

Maya: What's up?

Me: Chillin. TOLECIA WHAT'S CRACKIN?! (I used to raise my voice at her, inside joke that i'll elaborate on in her story).

Tolecia: Hey, Stuckey. Hey, Henry.

Henry: *I swear to God, trying to sound just like me* What's crackin?

Maya: Nothin much, yall have a seat.

Henry and I go and sit in the living room while I go over shit with him.

Me: Alright homes, don't jam me up on this one. You gonna handle business?

Henry: Yeah.

Me: Ok, first thing, make sure you're protection is on right. Don't go in there with all that shy shit. Girls like it when you're very specific about what you want to do to them, and what you want them to do to you. Got me?

Henry: Yeah, thanks again Stuc.

Me: Cool. I guess yall can do your thing after they finish eatin.

So we sit there watchin tv for a while and Maya comes and sits in between Henry and I. Tolecia sits on the other side of me. I use Tolecia to kind of ignore Henry so the two of them can talk and flirt and shit. We joke around about school, I crack on Mrs. Lockett for her (which she loves...remember 'fake-legged' Lockett from the Karma story right?). Eventually, Maya gets up and takes Henry by the hand and they go in the back. I pray silently that he doesn't make a fool of himself.

Tolecia: That's cool that you hooked your boy up. He really likes her huh?

Me: Yeah, wouldn't shut up about her.

Tolecia: His ass probably should've took an ice-pack back there with him.

Me: XDDDDD *not sure if Maya told her what we were doing there* My boy is pretty charismatic. He might be nailing her right now.

Tolecia: XD Nah, I don't know if he wants to do that now. She was just tellin me her medication ran out.

Me: Her what??

Tolecia: Her Acyclovir.

Me: ACY- *quietly* Acyclovir?! Herpes medicine????

Tolecia: Yeah, but she can't pass it on as long as she takes that medication.

Me: oooooooooohhhh shit....... 

All I could think about at that moment, was that if there was in fact a Hell below, my ass was most surely gonna go. This straight-laced, honor-roll, goody-two-shoes friend of mine was about to get the Kin-folk (we call it that in the south...we're kewl). That shit is PERMENANT. And damned embarrassing. If he thought it was hard to get a girl then, it would be 40 times harder if he caught the fuckin Kin-folk. I often made jokes about herpes patients sitting down to eat a meal, and a cold sore pops up on their lips like "GIMME A BITE OF THAT SAMMICH NIGGA!" I would say that herpes popped up at the worst times like free-loading uncles. This is where the term Kin-folk came from and we still say that shit to this day.

Anyway, I felt bad for Henry. I felt bad for only giving him one rubber. I felt bad for making him ignore the notion of just being in a relationship with her. Maybe then, she would've told him.

I hope she told him. I know this broad isn't evil. She had to warn him first. 

But they're still back there. I heard a bed squeak. Was that a bed squeaking?

MY BOY HENRY IS GETTIN PUSSY! YEAH NIGGA!

But it's herpes-infected pussy. No nigga.

As all these random thoughts are rushing through my head, Tolecia snaps me out of it.

Tolecia: What's wrong with you?

Me: Oh, my bad. Umm...*gulp* nothing.

Tolecia: You know what?

Me: What's that?

Tolecia: You lookin kinda good. *rubs the crotch of my pants* Do you think I look good?

Me: Err...yeah, but I don't think this is a good time.

Tolecia: Why not? Your boy is gettin his, why shouldn't I take care of you?

In my mind, I was saying "because this place is crawling with herpes and there's no way my dick is coming out of my pants in this den of impurity", all I could say that wasn't ugly and rude was...

Me: Well...I guess... (I'm an idiot)

She unzips me and starts giving me a BJ. I'm still concerned about Henry. Damn that rap music...

At the introduction of this story, I talked about how impressionable my mind was. Around this time, women were being talked down on big time, by rappers and shit. There were a lot of artists talking about how they'd fuck a girl, then pass her off to their friends. The more I heard this kind of thing, the more I thought it was ok. This one song in particular "Friend of Mine" by Notorious B.I.G. was especially instrumental in my actions. At the beginning of the song, Biggie made a statement about "passing bitches around like a cold".

I did one better than that...I was passing bitches around like herpes. 

pardon the lower case. typing this on the phone...

so i'm on the couch getting blown. it's the furthest thing from my mind at the moment. all i can think about is how i'm gonna rescue henry without embarrassing maya or putting her business out in the street. henry's too square to know what "kin-folk" means and i can't think of any other code word i can use. furthermore, how do i get this girl off me in the first place.

wait a second...thats it. i'll get this girl off me and start a scene in the living room.

me: tolecia

tolecia: *with a mouth full of dick* i'm busy. be quiet.

me: look, me and you can hook up later. i need you to do me a favor.

tolecia: what?

me: fight me 

tolecia: huh?!

me: i gotta get my boy out from back there but i dont want to tell her business. argue with me and hit me a couple times so they'll come in and break it up.

tolecia: henry will be fine if he has a condom.

me: first you said she needed her medication.

tolecia: i think he'll be alright.

me: i dont care for thinking a lot. help me and we can hook up later.

so we got into character. we'd argue about me calling maya "easy" for giving it up to henry. 

tolecia: HOW YOU GON SAY SOME SHIT LIKE THAT IN THIS HOUSE?!

me: I SAY WHAT THE FUCK I WANNA SAY. DO SOMETHIN, BITCH

she pushes me and i exaggerate by stomping around

me: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND??

tolecia: GET THE FUCK OUT.

me: I AINT LEAVIN WITHO--

right then, maya comes out of her door and asks whats going on. tolecia plays the part brilliantly.

tolecia: i dont even wanna talk about it anymore. i thought you were better than that stuckey.

me: man fuck that. henry! come on lets be out.

he comes out of the door looking pissed off. i feel bad about cock-blocking him, but its for his (and his cock's) own good. maya and henry both continue to ask what happened but we keep saying we have nothing more to discuss and i keep pushing for the door. when we get in the car, henry again asks me what happened.

me: i had to get you out of there man.

henry: why?

me: that girl has something you dont want.

henry: a disease?!

me: yeah, the permenant kind. you strapped up didnt you?

henry: yeah

me: you didnt...eat her out did you?

henry: i started to, but we heard yall in the living room.

me: man, i'm sorry i put you in that mess. we'll find you somebody else.

henry: dont feel bad. i was the one that wanted to get with her. plus we didnt even do much

me: why?

henry: well, she was dry. she couldnt get wet enough to do it. thats why i was gonna go down on her.

me: thank god you didnt. me and tolecia just made that fight up to get you out of there.

hearing that tolecia helped me save his ass made him start asking me about her and shit. i told him he could do better and to just be patient. i got him home and came back to my house to find several missed calls from maya's place. i call her back

maya: are you alright?

me: i'm cool.

maya: i heard about your remarks. that doesnt bother me. i guess in this situation its true.

me: yeah. i didnt mean any harm

maya: i did what i had to do to get with you...speaking of which. its your turn.

me: *under my breath* awww damn... 

at this point, i'm thinking to myself that she won't tell me what she has until it's too late. i thought about her using her deadly kin-folk attack as a weapon. we'd fuck and as i lay there catching my breath she'd say...

"by the way... i have genital herpes. I'VE GOT YOU NOW! I WON! MWAHAHAHAHA!!"

and she'd even pass that shit on to henry to lure me in. i'd get my inside info from tolecia. whether or not she got more medication. whether or not she was taking it regularly. all these things. i old her henry was gonna try to get with her again so i had to make sure. 

getting herpes would have destroyed me and i was scared to death. i had saved henry, but who the fuck was gonna save my dumb ass? henry would be squeaky clean with a long life ahead of him and i'd be sittin there with my dick lookin like a nestle crunch bar.

i went around my circle of friends asking them what i should do. a lot of them said it wasnt that easy to pass herpes on. some said go through with it. others said avoid her. others said do it, fake a quick orgasm and go on about my business. which one would i go with? the stupid one...the one that isnt supposed to work. i'd go into it the stuckey way...flat out wrong.

i actually observed myself when i'd nut. i figured i'd make my fake orgasm as realistic as possible. one time, i pushed up on my girl while she was in the mirror brushing her teeth. i fucked her and made her watch in the mirror. she thought it was the hottest thing ever (spontaneous shit like that drives her crazy). i watched my face as i busted. it was pretty funny. i had a sorta gangsta look like ice cube's first solo album cover. luckily, i dont make a lot of stupid noises and whimpers so i didnt have to worry about that.

i practiced my nut face in the mirror, my body language, all that stuff. after a few days i had it down to a science. the very day i decided to go through wih it, she called me.

maya: what you doin stuckey?

me: nothing

maya: then you should be doing me

me: haha i guess you're right.

maya: i'm here by myself. i'll be waiting

so off i went... 

so i get to maya's place shortly after we talk on the phone. on the way over i laugh to myself as i think about what i'm going to do. at the same time, i worry about what might happen between maya and i after this is over. will she pursue me harder? will she use this to blackmail me? hell she already intends to trap me with herpes.

anyway, i walk in the door and right there in the doorway she starts kissing me and squeezing my ass. in my mind, i'm thinking about getting it over with and going home. we make it to the room and she starts going buck-wild snatching her clothes off and shit. i unzip my pants and grab the back of her head. without a moment's hesitation, she dropped to her knees and started suckin. my plan was to really get in to it and convince her that i was just as anxious as she was. i know a thing or two about being anxious (another story) so i play the part well.

we get down to business and i've got her in the missionary position. after about 2 minutes, i start my oscar performance.

me: *shaky voice* wait...stop moving. i think i'm gon--

maya: yeah?? you like that dont you?

me: you're too wet, hold on a minute. *shaky voice again* oh shit!

maya: cum for me daddy. i want it in my mouth

d'oh! this spoiled my act. how was i gonna bust in her mouth when there wasnt anything to bust??

quick, stuckey, think...

i fuckin hate thinking...

when all else fails, do what the good actors do. ad-lib.

so i pulled out and slid up to her face on my knees. she grabs my nuts and opens wide. i pulled the rubber off and slid my left leg off the bed. i lose my balance and tumble off the bed.

me: oww! damn!

maya: *gasp* baby are you ok?

i roll over on my stomach giving the impression that the pain was unbearable (and it was actually). i quickly spit a huge loogey into my hand and reach down and slap in on my dick (make-shift semen...something's wrong with me yall). she gets off the bed to help me up still asking if i'm ok.

me: i'll be alright. let me go get cleaned up.

we showered together and laughed at how "clumbsy" i am.

i may be clumbsy...most of the time stupid even. but two things i'm not...a bad friend, and diseased.

-i found henry's girl right before junior prom. they were still together when we graduated. right now, he's in the military over in iraq. 

-maya, i hooked up with another guy. this guy was making passes at my girl, knowing me, and knowing she was mine. he caught herpes from her and i still crack on him to his face about it to this very day. ho-muffin ass nigga.

-as for tolecia, i'll hit you with that next story. 



02-26-2007, 08:44 PM 
It Ain't That Serious.

After the whole herpes scare incident, Tolecia and I started hanging out. Our situation was pretty good. I used her and she used me too. We both were in serious relationships, but liked each other for whatever reason and we were friends with benefits. Tolecia had a gorgeous face, but kinda on the skinny side. I overlooked this because Tolecia had a heavy accent (she's from the Bay...Oakland) that made me very HOT! A lot of times, in random conversation, I had to beast her just from listening to her talk. I live in the south so shit like that is exotic.

Anyway, like anybody else I fooled with, our situation was not without issues. This particular issue came in the form of her boyfriend, who found out about me from a snitch. This nigga is CRAZY. And not gangsta crazy. Tears crazy. Pitchin fits crazy. Whining and calling too much crazy. Essentially what Destiny's Child called a "bug-a-boo" years ago (that song was lame). This story is about how the two of us ended up at Tolecia's place at the same time one day.

We planned ahead when we'd get together. We kept it from her man, my girl, and Maya. Tolecia would've lost her as a friend if she were to found out that I (still her 'dreamboat' at the time) was doing her. So on a friday, like any other, we had planned our get-together. I arrived at her place promptly at our scheduled time. Now, it wasn't always fuckin that we did. Sometimes we'd just kick it and play video games (she loved bomberman and puzzle fighter) or just sit and chat (that would more or less lead to fuckin...accent was too sexy). This day here, was a day for fuckin.

We went straight to her bedroom and she closed the door. I sat on the bed and she whipped my dick out and started giving me a hand job.

Tolecia: What do you want me to do with it?

Me: ^^; What the hell do you mean?

Tolecia: Tell me what you want me to do with it.

Me: Well...you can start by...

Then her doorbell rings. We ignore it because she isn't expecting any company and her older sister was home (who is also cool as hell and has the same accent I love. she knew Tolecia had a man, but she covered for us because she didn't like him). After the brief distraction, she gets back to me.

Tolecia: Well? You just want me to sit here and hold it?

Me: Hold it with your tongue.

She smiles and gets ready to go down on me. Her man busts in and catches his girlfriend with another man's penis in her hand. Oops. She had told him earlier that she wouldn't even be home that evening. It would appear he just caught her in a lie. And caught me about to do nasty things with his girl. I put my junk back and stand up. It's none of my business so I don't say shit. By the way, this guy's name is Kenny.

Kenny: *looking at me* WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

Me: ......

Kenny: YOU HEAR ME TALKIN TO YOU NIGGA?! WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOIN IN HERE WITH MY GIRL?

Me: Homey, there's no need to yell. She had my dick in her hand. Put 2 and 2 together.

Kenny: *amazed at my answer* .....

Me: That's what i'm doing in here. You're fussing at the wrong one.

Kenny: TOLECIA, WHO THE HELL IS THIS NIGGA?

Tolecia: What the fuck, Kenny? Didn't he just tell you to stop yelling? Why are you here?

Kenny: *amazed at her answer too* .....

Tolecia: WHY are you here?

Kenny: I KNEW you was livin foul. Fuck this. Remember what I talked to you about? That's it. This is the end.

Tolecia: Don't start that shit.

Kenny: Why didn't you just dump me??

Tolecia: Because you been threatening to kill yourself! Why you think??

Me: ...XD 

Kenny: *violent look* I'm glad you think this is funny, patna.

Me: Man, it ain't that serious. Move on, homey.

Kenny: Nigga shut up! Tolecia, i'm out. Have a nice life.

He turns and walks out of the room and heads for the door. Tolecia is behind him concerned that he's gonna do something fucked up to himself. I sit there stunned at what I just heard. He just found his girl cheatin and instead of goin ape shit on her (or me), he threatens to commit suicide and hauls ass. I look out through her bedroom window to see the 2 of them fussing back and forth. After they exchange words for a while, Kenny goes and sits in the middle of the street. Indian style. Waiting on a car.

XDDDDDDDDDD
....XDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I'm sorry. It still makes me laugh when I think about it. You see, Tolecia lives out in the country. The only car that had come down that road in the last 15 minutes was HIS and before that, MINE. If he was gonna kill himself like that, it'd take days. Even so, Tolecia went out into the street with him and tried to talk some sense into him. After a while she gave up.

Tolecia: *coming back in the bedroom from talking to her sister* Fuck that nigga. He knows that cars don't come down this road anyway.

Me: Damn. That muthafucka's crazy. You want me to be out?

Tolecia: No. To hell with that. I still want some dick.

Me: You don't want it from your boy Super Dave out there?

Tolecia: XD No. I should call the police on his ass. I want it from you.

So we actually had sex in her bedroom, while Kenny sat in the middle of the street and cried. When we finished, we laid there for a while and she told me some of the other fucked up things he had done. One time he held his breath till he was purple in the face trying to kill himself for her. I laughed at all of it. He was always blowing smoke about doing that, but never followed through on it, so it stopped working on Tolecia.

All of a sudden we hear a car whiz by the road. We jump up and look out the window and Kenny has stood up and got out of the way of the car. Still crying. And still not following through with his threats. We cracked up about it as we shower and I get ready to leave. When I go outside, he's still out there.

Kenny: You gon get yours, nigga.

Me: Do somethin, homey. 

Kenny: Talkin all that shit...you gon get yours.

I hop in my car and start backing out the driveway. As i'm backing out, I say...

Me: Oh yeah? DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU IN THE STREET, MUTHAFUCKA!

Tolecia is standing in the doorway laughing her ass off, and so am I. We don't know who ratted us out to this day, but fuck it. We got a laugh out of it.

- I saw Tolecia several more times after that. When she came back from the military after we graduated high school, I spotted her in TJ Maxx one day and popped a QUALITY boner for her. She wasn't skinny anymore. She had filled out and had a great build. She let me get her one last time too. It was awesome. Now, she's with child and engaged to a dude she met while in the army...far as I know, he ain't crazy.

- Kenny found someone else and left Tolecia alone. He's alive and well. 



02-27-2007, 02:16 PM 
For Great Justice!

This story is of course about Jermaine. This here took place years after the completion of Moments. After its success, he started to take this porn empire shit a lot more serious. He changed the name of the company to V.E.I. (Vanity Electronic Industries...wtf does that mean?!) and he started 'signing' women to movie deals and shit. As funny as this shit was to me, I gotta give him his props.

Because that shit holds up in the court of law. Even if you sign your contract on a roll of toilet tissue (no really...he had bitches sign their names on a roll of toilet tissue). "If she sign the roll, she gotta give up the pussy hole. You know what i'm sayin Stuckey man?" Almost makes you want to hear one of his rap songs doesnt it? Thought so. Anyway, he had met this broad like he had many others...at the mall.

"But Stuckey, didnt Jermaine get banned from the macon mall in the Moments story?" 

Yes he did. For life. The macon mall that is. Around this time, the mall got bought out by some big timer who changed the name of our mall from "The Macon Mall" to "Colonial Mall of Macon"...loopholes ftw. They've since changed the name back to Macon Mall, but its owned by the same dude. So Jermaine is welcome back in the mall still. Anyway, he met Natalie in the mall one day. This was one of Jermaine's famous "white gulz dats built like dey black" and she did agree to appear in one of Jermaine's films. 

There was something interesting about Natalie though. An unforseen problem that complicated things. Something that Jermaine hadn't had a problem with since forever. Natalie had never had intercourse before. She'd given and received oral, but was pretty much a virgin. At first she tried to convince Jermaine to eat her out, then she'd return the favor...and that would wrap up the scene. Jermaine wasn't hearing that shit though. He had the scene planned out in his head and didn't want his vision disturbed. He pleaded with her to go all the way, and eventually she gave in.

They were to meet at the Subway resturant near where Jermaine lives. The broad didn't show up. The first person he called was me. I was away in college at the time.

Me: hello?

Jermaine: Stuckey! Wussup boy?

Me: chillin. Whats goin on homes?

Jermaine: Man, I got this fine ass gul, Stuckey man. She white-but-built-like-she-black (he says it like one word) and i wanna welcome her into my industry.

Me: Cool. Is she down?

Jermaine: She say she wuz, but den she never showed up.

Me: Damn homes. Thats fucked up.

Jermaine: Its alright doe. I got just da thang fo her.

Me: What's that?

Jermaine: She-- Well, you know what, Stuckey man? You can actually call her and work it out wit her. You always did have a good talk game wit gulz.

Me: Man, give me the number.

So I call this broad for Jermaine, and she confides in me. Saying she's scared and what if her mom finds out or what if her friends see the tape. During this, she said something that caught me off guard.

"I shoulda never signed that contract"

Wait a minute.Jermaine is makin bitches sign contracts?! I immediately moved the phone away so I could laugh. I got rid of Natalie and called Jermaine back.

Jermaine: She gon do it?

Me: Nah, she didnt come aound. But tell me this...did you make her sign a contract?

Jermaine: I sho did.

Me: *laughing to tears* You gonna file a lawsuit on her?

Jermaine: Should I go ahead and destroy her, Stuckey man?

Me: Hell yeah!

Jermaine: I'm gon fuck her world up, Stuckey IMGONFUCKHERWORLDUPDAWG-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

He was really gonna sue. She signed the roll, shoulda came up off that pussy hole. 

Fuck that. I needed to see this shit. On the day of the hearing, i made an emergency trip back to Macon. Natalie showed up first. No representation or anything. She was with some friends and they were talking about some guy they had met earlier. Seemingly care-free. I knew Natalie was one of the broads because someone spoke her name. I said to myself "it'll be funny as hell if she loses this case"

Jermaine appears later (but on time). He's rocking a suit! With shades! Like a corny tv show. I laugh and so does Natalie and her friends. When I say "What up, Jermaine?" Natalie knows my voice.

Natalie: Arent you the one I talked to one the phone?

Me: Yeah.

Natalie: Did you talk him into doing this?

Me: Nope.

Natalie: *looks at Jermaine* This is a waste of time. I dont even know why i'm here.

Jermaine: Breach of contract. You know wut dis is about.

Me: *giggle*

Jermaine: *looks at me* IMGONFUCKHERWORLDUP!-HAHAHAHA!

Jermaine has to convince someone to let me in to see the case. He told them I was his ride home. Nice thinking. I take my seat in the back so the judge doesnt catch me laughing. The case starts like most do. The judge got Jermaine's (the plaintiff) side, then Natalie's. There were some arguments between the 2 of them that the judge had to break up. There were some jewels from Jermaine like...

"You did da crime, now pay da fine PAYDAFINE- HAHAHA!"

"Uh. Judge...can you have her repeat dat? She got a sassy lil talk game."

Through it all, i'm in the back cracking up. They finally get to the verdict.

Jermaine pretty much hit the nail on the head. She did the crime and had to pay the fine. $300 dollars in damages. I thought I was gonna die in that court room. As we walked out, I formally shook his hand and congratulated him on his success.

Me: Congrats man.

Jermaine: You know, Stuckey, I didnt wanna do her like dat. I woulda rather fucked her. I mean dis money here, I coulda made dis off da flick. Look at her doe, Stuckey SHETHICKASHELL-HAHAHA!

Me: You did what you had to do. It aint a complete loss.

Jermaine: She'll know better next time won't she, Stuckey man?

Me: I hope so. Next time she signs a roll...

Jermaine: SHEBETTAGIVEUPDATPUSSYHOLE-HAHAHA! Stuckey, you crazy man. 



03-04-2007, 10:03 AM 
Computer Love.

don't fuck with women on the internet. seriously. you could be getting yourself into quite the predicament. if your luck is like mine anyway...i've done it twice. and as populated as the internet is, i don't know how i managed to do this. it started a couple years ago. when blackplanet.com was still popular. matter of fact it was '02

my boys alex and sherod made blackplanet pages back when they were both single. on tuesday nights back then, applebee's had all-you-can-eat riblets. since sherod was messing with some girl working there back then, we'd basically go in and pay for drinks while she served us free riblets all night. all she asked in return usually was for sherod to bring her a pack of cigarettes. after leaving, we'd go to one of our houses and play some nba 2k3 or madden. one night, we went to sherod's after applebee's. soon as we got in the door, he had to check his blackplanet page.

now for those of you who aren't familiar with it, a blackplanet page is pretty much like online personals. if someone looks at your page and likes what they see, they can send you a "crush" and put you on their hotlist. sherod wanted to see if he had an new crushes. he had none. alex had 2. me being the bandwagon jumper, wanted to see how many crushes i could get just for the hell of it. i sat right there, snapped a pic from a digital camera, and made a page during sherod and alex's game of madden. i then headed into the living room.

we played games and tripped out for a while. before i left, i stopped at the computer and checked blackplanet. i had 1 crush. her name was Santedra (Sandy for short). this single crush blew sherod and alex out of the water. i received endless praise.

Sandy was perfect. She had a kind of beyonce' thing going on. Same hairstyle, same smile, same skin tone, but not a flat out resemblance. She just made me think about her (and pop a boner) for some reason. i had hit the jackpot and didnt hesitate to follow up on this one. when i got home that same night, i left a mutual "crush" on her page and took my ass to sleep.

the next day as i was working (this is back when i was delivering office stuff...and gettin sued and shit), i get an e-mail on my phone. Sandy had visited my page again and left a comment on it. it basically said she was looking forward to getting to know me and she was pleased that i had a "crush" on her too. i tell myself that i'm the shit and continue working. that night, i caught her online and we chatted for a while. she gave me her number and told me to call, which i did.

Sandy was a student at the university of georgia (fuck that. gators for life), 20 years old (my age at the time), and working part-time at a doctor's office. she had a very sexy voice and a sophisticated choice of words...like she's trying to sell you something expensive. she actually used the word "marvelous" once and i had to take the phone away from my face to laugh. all in all she seemed like a winner. after a few weeks of talking, she asked me had i ever had phone sex...

i tell her that isnt really my thing and that i've never done it. she seemed kinda disappointed but i suggested that if she wanted to do that, i'd sure as hell listen. to my suprise (i was joking with her), she starts doing the shit. she sounds really good and i pop an epic boner. i considered grabbing my junk and joining her, but again fappin aint my thing. when she's finished i tell her that i want to come see her. she tells me that she's in the process of moving so her place is a mess. she says that she'll come down to see me. even better since i dont have to drive.

the day came. 

first of all, let me say this. i got love for all my friends, but i have to be real about shit. jermaine fucks fat, ugly, women. if JERMAINE wont even fuck sandy, that tells you right there that this bitch is hideous. this broad looks like 'who-did-it-and-ran?' i introduced her to jermaine and i think i actually made him mad.

jermaine: Man, Stuckey man. What i'm 'sposed to do wit dat gul there? Tell me that, Stuckey. That ho hurt man THATHOHURTSTUCKEYMAN-HAHAHA!

i'm gettin ahead of myself, but yeah. this ho was hurt. she looked nothing like the picture. she was a re-dizzy combo of ugliness and also a liar. her face aint the only thing she lied about.

1) she aint pretty. she's pretty ugly.

2) she aint 20. she's 16.

3) she's fat and has H-Cup breasts (i wouldnt bullshit you).

4) she's 6 months pregnant.

i start to ask myself the same question jermaine asked me

"stuckey, what are you supposed to do with that?"

i met her at the mcdonald's right off the interstate near my house. i had given her directions to something easy to get to. when i got there, i was fuckin glowing. my plan was to take her to a movie and spend the entire time feeling her up and staring at her beautiful face. as i'm walking in the resturant, this fat broad meets me at the door. she reaches out to hug me and i brush past her.

fat broad: where are you going with my hug?

me: *turns around* huh?

fat broad: i drove all the way from athens and you won't even hug me, stuckey?

me: *thinking "OH HELL NAW"* do i know you?

fat broad: its santedra!

me: ...say that again?

fat broad: i'm sandy! can i have my hug now?

so i'm sittn there looking at this fat liar and my blood starts to boil. she hasnt combed her hair. she dresses like she's about 60 (what young person rocks a pearl necklace?). and she looks like she needs a back-brace to hold her titties up. back then, jermaine still called his company 'supertits' and thats what i immediately thought about. i wanted to introduce this broad to him and get her big ass out of my sight. i gave her evil, lyin ass a hug and told her i needed to stop by a friend's before we went to the movie. we went to jermaine's

like i already told you, he wasnt hearing it. wanted no part of her. for his movies or otherwise.

so as we're riding to the movie, she can tell i'm pissed and we start to talk about her lying to me. when i ask her if she lied about anything else, she hit me with the stuff from my last post. i was so mad that i could've hit her if i didnt think of a better idea. just take her back to her car and send her home. 

we get back to mcdonald's and i tell her that i'm too upset to be around her for lying, she's too young for me, and i aint interested in taking care of somebody else's kid. i tell her that we could still be friends (counter-lie ftw). i sit there with her through all the crying and shit and eventually send her off. i tell sherod and alex about it the following tuesday and they bust my balls about it. they laugh so loud that the rest of the resturant joins in (not even knowing what this is about). they take the hint and delete their blackplanet pages.

now at the end of this fucked up tunnel, i found a light (for once!). it happened not even a month later. 

alex being the atlanta lover he is, wanted to go up there to go clubbing. like i said, back then they were single (by choice) so we went clubbing a lot more often back then. this was around the time the south started taking rap over, so clubs up in atlanta were usually packed with people joining the "crunk revolution".

anyway, we get to buckhead and pick a club out. we get inside and sherod hooks me up with drinks (wasnt quite 21 yet). i get good and buzzed then i start taking in the scenery. as i'm making my way around the club, a lil jon song comes on. it was pretty popular at the time, so everybody charges for the dance floor. as people are rushing past me, a girl bumps into me as she's running.

that hair...

instinctively i reach out and grab her hand. she turns around, looks at me for a minute, then smiles. it was the girl in the picture that sandy used on me. no doubt about it. still holding her hand in amazement, she pulls me onto the dancefloor with her. and it was this moment here (not all the other ones if you can believe it) that made me say to myself

"damn, a whole lot of crazy shit happens to me"

i think about that the whole time i'm dancing with her. after it's over, i sit at a table with her. i turn the fucked up sandy situation into a pick-up line.

me: fancy seeing you again

her: excuse me?

me: whether you know it or not, you hooked me up with a girl a few weeks ago.

her: man, what are you talkin about?

i explain the situation to her and we agree that it's some of the weirdest shit ever. we introduce ourselves and get to know each other a bit. i'll call her J. i learn that she's seeing someone at the time (and has a baby by him) and doesnt feel comfortable about giving me her phone number. i assure her that i completely understand and give her my number instead. after a while she goes back to her friends and i go back to mine. their jaws are on the floor

sherod: aint that the girl that sandy sent you a picture of?

me: yes.

sherod: did you get her?

me: nope. she's taken. she at least ACTED interested and took my number.

alex: you dont think she'll call you?

me: well, stranger shit has happened.

and oddly enough, she did call me. J is cool as hell and we're still in contact with one another today. she's been single for a while now, but when she first broke up with her ex, i came up to atlanta and took her and her son out for mother's day. i got rewarded like hell for that. now its just a friend thing. sometimes even 'stuckey' stories have happy endings. 


03-05-2007, 09:38 AM 
The Marilyn Chronicles

Part 1: Talkin Dirty.

ok, like i said. i didnt learn my lesson after the "Computer Love" story. this time, i met the girl through AIM. how she got my screen name, i dont know, but she sent me a message one day as i'm sitting around playing Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter (which was my shit at the time...love that damned game). 

she told me her name was marilyn. she's from Ilinois and she moved to Georgia after her grandmother passed away. i dont think much of how she got my name or even the mess with sandy. quite frankly, i was seeing J on a semi-regular basis so i was pretty fuckin happy with the way that turned out.

this wouldnt come close to turning out that way. 

anyway, it started off pretty harmless. marilyn would IM me and we'd chat for a few minutes about this and that. things to do for fun in macon, ga (read: nothing), alcohol she's interested in trying, new friends she's met, etc. one friend in particular was jennifer. the two of them became really tight, really fast and as our conversations moved from AIM to the phone, i'd always notice jennifer in the background. it was like she lived there or something. 

after talking to her for a couple weeks to a month, i finally agreed to meet her. she had sent me pics, but i needed proof that it was her after the sandy shit. one time, i had her take a picture of herself standing on one leg holding a sign that said "The wet dog sighs in the dry fire" (got that from the cosby show) to make sure she was as advertised. she was, so no problems there. she's a straight up mexican. mexican mother and father. she had long black hair and a cute face. not a 10, but 10 times better than sandy so i wasnt complaining.

we met at the movie theater. i dont remember what we watched, but i do remember her sucking my dick and laughing at the movie at the same time. which made me laugh at her. she had braces, but it didnt matter. to this day, she's given the most blizzard head i've ever got. down here, we call great head 'blizzard' because it makes you shiver when its really good (any of yall know what i mean?). one time, no bullshittin, she sucked me off so good SHE MADE MY ANKLES SWEAT. WHAT THE FUCK. BLIZZARD FTW. often, i'd fuck her out of sheer gratitude for the head she gave. i felt like i owed her.

and that was prety much our interaction with one another. every now and then, we'd get together and she would hook me up and that was it. you're probably wondering "how did it go bad then, stuckey?" well, being that she's mexican, she'd sometimes call me "papi" during sex. i didnt mind this of course. what i did mind however, was her not giving me credit for having a good educaton. she'd say things to me in spanish during sex, but she honestly didnt know what they meant (how are you raised by mexican parents and cant speak basic spanish phrases?). one time, i picked her up off the bed and was fucking her against the wall. she says to me

"ay, papi! ningun fumar por favor"

know what i did? dropped her. she fell flat on her ass. now i didnt drop her on purpose. i dropped her out of shock. i looked down at her and calmly asked "did you just tell me 'no smoking please'"? she looked suprised that i knew what it meant, but didnt say anything. i had to be sure she wasnt that retarded, so i said "repeat what you just said in spanish please?* she did. i helped her up. and asked her to leave. 

turns out she read it off a sign at pizza hut and figured i didnt know a lick of spanish...but i aint a dumb nigga. anyway, i later forgave her and things went back to normal.

until i met her buddy jennifer... 

Part 2: Slam The Child on The Hard Concrete.

when i think of marilyn's friend jennifer, i'm reminded of a slick rick lyric from the song ladi dadi.

"the bitch was strong
the kids was gone
somethin was wrong i said 'what is goin on?''
i tried to break it up i said 'stop it, leave her'
she said 'if i cant have you, she cant either"

at first glance she was the type of loud, obnoxious, broad that i try to stay away from. the type that laughs really loud at their own jokes, and then looks around at everybody while doing so. and if she looks at you and you arent laughing, she stares at you and laughs HARDER to entice you to join her. youse guys know anybody like that? jennifer was like a rosie o' donnel type bitch. plus she's white and fat just like her.

you could tell she was the type to 'put all her eggs in one basket'. she hung around marilyn so much because that was the only friend she had. unless you count all the guys she was fuckin. she was real loose and bragged on her dick-sucking skills at the drop of a hat. she wanted marilyn to be this way, but marilyn was a bit more reserved. when she met me, she more or less tried to "steal" me from marilyn. right there in front of her face. she went into how good of a fuck she is and everything. this chick was like 5'3" and weighed 200 strong. i probably woulda had to hang her torso off the edge of the bed to move the flubber out of the way just to find her coochie, much less figure out which flap was actually her pussy hole.

she had celluolite dips in her ass that looked like bullet wounds.

i definitely didnt stick around when jennifer was around marilyn. for someone that was new to this place though, marilyn didnt have a lot of other friends to choose from so she tolerated it. when jennifer accused marilyn of telling me stuff about her to keep me from fucking her, things started getting messy. she did some fuckin EVIL shit to this poor girl. it got so bad, that sometimes marilyn would call me at the crack of dawn crying to me for help. i've taken her to the hospital, taken her to file police reports, and taken her to retrieve her younger brother (who has ADD). jennifer had this girl running the gauntlet:

1) while smoking weed, jennifer slipped some cocaine in the blunt and watched marilyn smoke the whole thing. a couple times.

2) jennifer stole marilyn's brother while he was under marilyn's supervision. her mother kicked her ass for it and i had to get up in the middle of the night to drive around the city to find him.

3) jennifer sent a guy friend of hers to RAPE marilyn. i was there unbeknownst to him in another room and i came out just in time to run him off.

4) jennifer fought marilyn in the street and threw her down, making her shatter her elbow.

since marilyn didnt have sense enough to do it, i went to her mother and convinced her to get the police involved. jennifer got taken in on the fight they had, but nothing else could be proven. marilyn has since moved back to illinois. she's with a guy she previously dated when she first lived there. they are with child. jennifer is a junkie strung out on cocaine...

...it hasnt made her skinnier though.

this of course made me learn my lesson. so i'll say it again if you didnt catch it the first time...DONT FUCK WITH GIRLS OFF THE INTERNET! 


03-06-2007, 09:29 AM 
New Jack Shitty

mike, you oughta get a kick out of this one. its about good ol jamaal. to the rest of you that dont know him, he and i have been friends for maybe 8 years now. we met through my other friend emcy who used to run the local arcade. when i worked at tj maxx, i would always come across the street to the mall when i got off to hit the arcade. 

i hate mvc2, but that was the only thing there worth playin. sure the game is fun at times, but how the fuck do you have 50+ characters and only a handful of them are any good? i like balance with my games. one day jamaal comes in and plays me. i immediately start to dislike him because he did the iron man infinite on me (keep in mind, this was way back when the game was fairly new). when i discovered he was a friend of emcy's, i had to be his friend too. 

i later came to the realizaton that jamaal aint a bad guy at all. i crack jokes about him being too black all the time (seriously, he's darker than the heart of man...he's blacker than the last days, i'm tellin you). he takes all my wisecracks and stuff like a good sport though and we go back and forth. lots of laughs yada yada, but thats enough of an introduction. 

one night, when i used to have weekends off to go do shit (about a year ago), me, jamaal, jamaal's cousin, chelsey, marcus; and oscar head to rock-a-billy's. rock-a-billy's is the club we have in macon on the "nice" side of town. its the only one i bother going to because i get in free. i've known the owner's son since the 1st grade. not that it matters, but "the rock" as we call it used to be a "white" club until the owner realized that black folks is where the money's at (in macon anyway). so yeah. i roll up like i own the place and stroll inside and wait for my friends to pay their way in (i tried to get them in with no luck).

i had seen jamaal's cousin in the club a few times before. i hadnt seen her in the club drinking however until that night. i'm assuming she had just started drinking and didnt understand that it takes time for alcohol to fuck you up. i had my own shit goin in the club that night (trying to get at heather's (soul in the hole story) sister audrea) so i didnt hang around jamaal and the others much to see his cousin gettin wasted. seems like somebody would've told her to chill out. they didnt

so time passes. i'm sittin at a booth with audrea trying to see whats up on that TWAT!, when i discover that she

A) converted to being a lesbian
B) had the kin-folk

that fucked my whole night up. all that small talk for nothin. at this point i'm ready to leave so i find jamaal and the others and tell them i'm out. jamaal says he's coming out behind me with his cousin. she's feeling all sick and shit and needs to get home. so we get outside, crank our cars up, and proceed on our merry way. jamaal was ahead of me. they stopped all of a sudden.

i saw the passenger side door open up and jamaal's cousin lean her head out of the door. i figured she was gonna barf, and she did. i climbed out of my car and came up to the driver's side of jamaal's car. before i get there, i hear "WHAT DA HELL??"

when his cousin leaned over to barf, she shit in the seat of jamaal's car simultaneously. it was gooey, wet-craps too. talk about embarrassing. he had to take her home as she sat in a puddle of her own shit. jamaal had the smell of barf and doo-doo in his car, AND AFTER THE FACT, THE BROAD DIDNT EVEN HELP CLEAN IT UP. i ran into jamaal at zaxby's a few days later and he explained that all he got from her was an apology.

sometimes i think that nigga's too nice for his own good. i woulda gazelle punched that broad. 


03-06-2007, 01:42 PM 
Leave it to MacGuyver.

Ok, so I get off of work today and head down to the EB Games to return a controller I bought. The A button is all fucked up on it. I get in the store, make my return, get my refund, and go down the walkway to the chinese resturant. I place my order, then I go out to my car to get my cell phone so I can call my girl while I wait. I look up, and that's when I see it...cruising through the parking lot.

An old Lincoln Town Car with a piece of cardboard over the driver side window. It was cut to fit the window perfectly. I laughed my ass off as it eased through the parking lot and headed toward the highway. I thought to myself "wait a minute...that shit isn't safe. How can they see traffic on their left?"

The car pulls up to the stop light about to make a right turn. I see a flap open on the piece of cardboard, and a woman sticks her head out. Again, the shit was cut to fit the circumference of her head perfectly. She stuck her head out, checked out the road, put her head back in, and closed the flap. The whole time she's doing this, i'm trying to zoom my fuckin phone in to get a picture, but all I got was a blur. By the time I could try again, she had pulled off.

Damned if I didn't stand right there in the parking lot and laugh myself to tears. 



03-08-2007, 03:39 PM 
Movin' Cool (at Wal-Mart).

This was a few days before christmas. Due to my crazy work schedule, I have to go shopping for certain things at Wal-Mart. Cause they're always open. This particular night, I was up around 2am at the Wal-Mart near my house pricing Hi-Def TVs. I had just bought a PS3 when it launched and needed a new tv to accomodate it (I bought the PS3 initially for blu-ray). So I walk into Wal-Mart, and head toward the back where the electronics section is. I glance over at the clothing sections as I walk (hoping to see a nice piece of ass at this time of night...i'm hopeless).

What I see is a young girl with her father and her little sister, who's sitting in the buggy. I only see their faces at first, but the young girl's (had to be about 15 or so) eyes caught mine rather quickly. She starts smiling at me and blushing. I think to myself "awww...how cute. i'm a teen heart-throb" and I smile and wave at her. I continue toward the electronics and as I get to where I can see more than their faces, i'm shocked at what my eyes see.

This young girl was DIGGING UP HER ASS. Now, there's a big difference between pulling a wedgie out ('diggin cheese' as it's called where i'm from), and straight up digging in your butt. She had her hand wedged up in the ass crack of her pants, scratching. It was so disgusting that I started to walk faster (and laugh...couldn't help it). She tried to snatch her hand out of there and turn to face me as I came into view, but she was way too late. The father acknowledged me and gave the "wuzzup" head-nod as I walked by. I get back in the TV section and my phone rings. It's my girl. She's in cali so there's a 3 hour time difference between us. It's only 11pm for her and she knows i'm up at fucked up hours like this. We talk as I do my pricing. 

It should be noted that it's just my luck I live closest to the shittiest Wal-Mart in the city. They're always the last one to get shit (they STILL don't carry blu-ray movies) and they also have the 'GYDA-Syndrome'. GYDA is short for "GOT YO DUMB ASS!" which refers to you going in the store and they magically run out of something you've seen every single time you've walked in previously. Say for instance you want a copy of Gears of War. Everytime you go in the store for 2 months, you see it. 10 to 15 copies, sitting in the glass case. The one day you go in with some money to buy it, it's magically sold out. I picture security guards or management looking at me through survellance cameras and saying "GOT YO DUMB ASS!" when I come in to find that my shit is gone.

This would be the case with a particular TV I was looking for. A 52" Panasonic DLP. It was gone after being there for 2 months. Thankfully, we have other Wal-Marts (2 more) around here. Since i'm up talking to my girl and wide awake, I figure what the hell. And I make my way across town to another Wal-Mart. I get inside, and there's a bunch of females up in front of the store laughing about some shit. One of them straight out asks for my number as i'm on the phone with my girl. My girl has me press the speakerphone button so the girl can hear her say "He's taken, you homewrecker!" The other girls, and myself laugh at her ass as I make my way back to the electronic section.

Yet again, I glance over at the clothing section. And yet again, I see the same family I had seen the first time. This time, the girl waves at me. She's not digging up her ass, nose, or doing anything else disgusting. So again, I wave at her and her dad. He jokingly says "don't I know you from somewhere?" I give a contrived chuckle and get back to the TV section. I'm seeing better selection here and I damn near impulse bought a Samsung 40". But I hadn't been to the Wal-Mart on Zebulon Rd. yet. So I held off.

Zebulon Rd. is like heaven on earth (heaven in Macon anyway). It has every fucking thing you'd ever want. Massage parlors, movie theaters, best grocery store, best Wal-Mart, best blockbuster (that always has what you wanna rent), best looking female employees (the movie theater girls get me SO HOT ), hell, pretty much everything. So I wouldn't dare drop 900 bucks on a tv before I check and see what they've got. My girl agrees with me. I decide that if I don't see anything on Zebulon (which I doubt), i'll come back for the Samsung. These last 2 Wal-Marts aren't that far from one another, so I head off to Wal-Mart number 3. The girl that had asked for my number gives me the finger on my way out. I laugh.

I come down Zebulon Rd. (The Cure - Just Like Heaven reminds me of that wonderful stretch of road.) still talking to my girl. As I pull into the parking lot, she says she needs to get to bed. We get past all the mushy stuff and she hangs up. I walk into the store, and as usual, the electronics section is in the back. I walk through and yet again, look in the clothing section. I saw an employee straightening up (a good-looking one of course...good ol Zebulon). I get back to the TV section, and of course see something better than anything i've seen at the other 2 Wal-Marts. At the time, I had never heard of the name "Vizio", but it was a 46 inch for 1500 bucks. I stood there for a while watching the TV on display. As i'm looking up at it, someone puts their hands over my eyes.

Female voice: Guess who?
Me: (hoping it's a run-in with someone i've boinked before) umm...say something else for me.
Female voice: Like what?
Me: I was trying to see if I knew your voice. I give up.
Female voice: We saw you at the other Wal-Marts!

So it's the young girl. For the third time, we popped up at the same place. This time I had just arrived first. As soon as it registered in my brain, I reacted kinda violently.

This girl had been digging up her butt a few hours ago...and I could smell her doo-doo butter on her hands. I jerked off of her kinda hard (harder than I intended) and it sent her reeling back into the buggy...where her little sister was trying to stand up in the section kids sit in. I knocked her into the buggy, then she knocked her little sister off into the part of the buggy where the groceries and shit go. She landed right smack on a pair of jeans and started to cry loudly. I turn around and see the young girl looking at her sister, then at me, with a look of shock. I start to feel terrible. I look up, and see the Dad running up to tend to his little girl. I apologize profusely as he holds her and checks for bruises and such. Luckily, she wasn't badly hurt and stopped crying almost as soon as her dad picked her up. I fled the scene and bought a TV from Circuit City the next day.

Fuck shopping. At Wal-Mart. 


03-10-2007, 01:30 AM 
Don't Fuck With My Meat!

This takes place after Sherod and Alex graduated, and I was a senior. Alex was trying to get a job at Geico and Sherod was in tech school. Nearly every week day, we'd go over Sherod's house (we lived kinda close to one another and his house was the one in the middle) and play NBA 2K-whatever on Dreamcast. This is when Sherod had the private school chick that i've mentioned a few times before, and Alex was going with Heather (who i'd later hit with SURPRISE ANAL in "Soul in the (other) Hole"). This chick's name was Crystle. And she had Sherod's nose WIDE open. He was a sorry ass host most nights we came over because he was on the phone with her the entire time. Granted she's a close second place for finest girl he's ever dated, he was breakin the code. Bro's before you-know-what (she was actually a nice person. I'd feel bad for calling her a ho.)

This weeknight thing went on for several months without a hitch. What also went without a hitch was Sherod being on the damn phone all night. He sucked at NBA 2K-whatever, he never heard us when we asked him shit, never offered us anything to drink or anything like that. I can't knock him though because I grew up with him. Anyway, one night Alex and I came over and decided we were hungry. Alex was gonna run up to Wendy's to get us some grub while I whooped Sherod's ass in NBA 2K-whatever. He wrote down what I wanted, and what Sherod wanted, and was out of the door. I basically sat there playing the game while Sherod chatted it up on the phone (seriously, who has THAT much to say EVERY NIGHT?). When Alex got back with the food, Sherod heart-achingly got off the phone with Crystle so he could eat. Alex handed Sherod his bag and he took out his sandwich. He's very picky about toppings on his shit and only likes cheese and ketchup. So he opens the bun to have a look.

The piece of meat was SO fuckin small, that it had to be 2 inches larger in diameter just to be a white caslte burger. And this is supposed to be a sandwich from Wendy's. Remember in the Laina story when I mentioned this incident? And how hot-headed Sherod (and I both) can get at times? To this day, I don't think i've ever seen him more pissed off. He immediately grabbed a phone book to find Wendy's number. Alex and I laughed. Sherod didn't even crack a fuckin smile. He found the number and dialed them up. I couldn't hear what the wendy's employee said, but I remember what Sherod told them.

Sherod: Uh...yes. I just bought a cheeseburger from you guys, but there's no meat in the bun.

*pause for wendy's employee*

Sherod: I know what time it is...yes...but I paid for a sandwich and there's no meat in the bun.

*pause for wendy's employee*

Sherod: What the hell does that have to do with what i'm trying to explain to you? I PAID FOR A SANDWICH...BUT THERE WAS NO MEAT! IN THE BUN!

*pause for wendy's employee*

Sherod: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHEN YALL CLOSE! I'M COMIN UP THERE AND GETTIN MY MEAT  >:(

*employee hangs up*

Sherod: HELLO?! HELLO?! Oh HELL naw!

Sherod jumps up and grabs his keys, not saying a word to us. Fuck that, we ain't house-sitting. Alex and I jump up and follow him out the door. We all pile up in the Toyota Tercel and speed up to Wendy's. We had maybe 5 or 6 minutes before the resturant closed so Sherod was hauling ass. When we get there, of course the employees are still there cleaning up and closing out the registers and such. Sherod jumps out of the car without even cutting it off. With sandwich in hand, he goes up to a window next to the entrace and starts banging. A couple of ugly broads (one of which we believe took his call) looked at him for a while, then went further back into the resturant.

Sherod: Sheeeit...Fuck that!

He walks around to the drive thru window and bangs on it. This fat chick that I recognized from school came to the window and mouthed the words "we're closed!" Sherod shouted "I don't give a damn!" and pointed to his burger. Alex and I busted out laughing again. He turned around and started to look at the ground. Like he was looking for something to throw through the fuckin glass. That's when I step in and try to calm the man down. I don't want him to get locked up over a sammich.

Me: Hey man...we can just go down the street to Krystal. They're still open. I'll pay for it.

Sherod: Damn that! If I wanted a Krystal I woulda been satisfied with this! *holds up his sandwhich* I want some damn meat!

Me: You can have mine man. I didn't touch it. It's back at your house. I'll just eat fries man. Just chill.

Sherod: I don't like all that lettuce and shit on my burger! *looks at the resturant* I WANT THESE ASSHOLES TO GIVE ME WHAT I PAID FOR!

He throws the burger at the drive-thru window and proceeds to bang on it some more. I look over at Alex and I can see lights flashing behind his head. Oh shit...police officers. Right then, I turned to look at Sherod and behind his head, I saw a man coming out from behind the resturant. He's wearing a Wendy's uniform.

Wendy's guy: Uh...sir. What's going on here?

Sherod: Look, I paid for a sandwich, and there was no meat in the bun. All I want is what I paid for. Or my money back.

Wendy's guy: I'll tell you what. I'll go in here and make your sandwich myself. AND i'll give you your money back. If you could just wait in your car for me please.

Sherod: I'M FINE STANDIN RIGHT HERE!

Wendy's guy: Look sir, i'm trying to help you. One of the girls already called the police thinking you were trying to rob us. If you would just wait in your car, i'll explain everything to the police when they get here and you won't get into any trouble.

Alex: Come on homey. He's gonna help you out.

Me: Come on man.

Sherod: Ok! But let me show you so you'll know i'm not crazy!

Me and Alex: O_o

Sherod picks up the meat off the ground and holds it up to the Wendy's guy.

Sherod: YOU SEE THIS SHIT?! WHOEVER WAS THE COOK TONIGHT SHOULD BE FIRED!

As he's holding up the meat and yelling, a chubby officer hops out of his car and runs over to him. It kinda catches Sherod off guard, so he turns around quick like he was gonna strike the officer. The officer grabs his belt for his pepper spray and tells us all not to move and to keep our hands where he can see them. The Wendy's guy quickly speaks up for us.

Wendy's guy: Officer, we've taken care of the problem. These people aren't trying to rob us. We just made a mistake with this young man's order.

Officer: Which one?

He points at Sherod, who is still holding the damn meat.

Officer: *looks at us* So what are yall doing out here?

Me: We rode here with him. We don't want any trouble. We were just trying to calm him down.

Officer: Ok, well you two go back to the car. You don't have any business out here.

Me: Whatever you say, Boss Hog.

Alex: XD

Officer: Not another word, smartass.

We walk back over to the car and get back inside. Sherod has to sit in the cop car while the man is inside making his burger. Shortly he brings it out, along with Sherod's full refund. Our food is fucked when we get back. Colder than a penguin sitting on an ice pack. But fuck it, as long as nobody got locked up over a sammich.

I'd hate to think what would've happend if we didn't come with him. That's my boy though. And sadly, that's all my stories. Hope yall enjoyed them. If I should find myself in anymore fucked up situations, yall will hear about them. 


03-11-2007, 06:44 PM 
Raindrop.

So I thought I was finished. I thought I could get on SRK for a while and just read some random ass posts and other people's stories. Hell, I SHOULD be done. Life isn't done with me though it seems. This story takes place last night at the strip club with Marcus and the man they call Jermaine aka Lions Under a Waterfall aka Moments aka Ric Flair "woooo...."

So i'm at home last night minding my own business, trying to unlock some achievements on Def Jam: Icon. I get a text from Marcus saying "your boy wants to hook up! come to the mall!" Not knowing who "your boy" is, I call him up.

Me: who are you talkin about?

Marcus: Jermaine! He wants to go to the club.

Me: Sheeeit. I'm game. Be there in a minute.

So I get to the mall to meet Marcus at the arcade. He's there with Octavia (from Kitchen Pride Party!) and his brother. I'm told that Jermaine wants to check out a strip club later that night. One in Macon. I hadn't heard of a new one around here. I hope they got some of the dancers from Club Exotica that got closed down some years ago (used to fuck 3 of them...may be able to find pictures when I get home). Since we're hanging with Jermaine, I can't refuse to go. We'd have to wait for Jermaine to get permission to go (even though he's 34 years old), so we went down to Ruby Tuesday to eat.

So i'm sitting between Marcus and his brother, Baron and across from Octavia. I order a couple White Russians (because 1 doesnt work worth a damn) and direct my attention to the college basketball tournament (GO GATORS!). Throughout being at the resturant, i felt someone stepping on my shoe, like they were looking for my leg. This of course was Octavia, unbeknownst to Marcus. Now, I don't do crooked shit like mack on my friends' women. I got up and went to the restroom and text'd Marcus who was still at the table.

Me: Octavia is living foul. She's playin footsie under the table.

Marcus: Damn. Well, I appreciate you tellin me.

Me: Next time she does it, i'll stir my drink around with my straw. When I do, stick your foot up. I guarantee you hit Octavia.

Marcus: Haha! How do you come up with this shit?

Me: Don't know. Coming back to the table.

So I get back out there, and take my seat. Sure enough, Octavia goes to playing footsie and rolling her straw around on her tongue. I stir up my White Russian a bit, and Marcus kicks his leg up. It's a dead giveaway who he hit, because Octavia looked over at him. Oh shit. He leans over and asks her to step outside. As they leave, I send him one last text message.

Me: Watch what you say, that girl hangs out in Kitchen Pride. 

While Marcus and Octavia are outside, I fill Baron in on what happened. I also order another White Russian and 2 Corona's for the road. I down everything by the time they come back. Now, Marcus is a peaceful dude. I couldn't see him screaming on this girl (I wouldn't either for fear of gettin shot, but thats beside the point). He more than likely got out there and told her that i'm engaged and how bad she made him feel for making passes at me (which probably made her feel worse). They get to the table and finish eating. After a while, I feel Octavia's foot again. She stirs her straw and she and Marcus laugh.

Octavia: I was just trying to let you know the waiter was over here so you could get another drink.

Me: Erm...oops?

Octavia: Yeah...oops.

That was bullshit. If that were true, she could have just opened her mouth and said it. Or got the waiter's attention for me. Marcus is kinda gullible. We finish up and Marcus checks his phone. He has 1 missed call from Jermaine and I have 3. It's go time. I leave a post in this thread, and we head out. Marcus and Octavia hug in the parking lot and she heads to her car.

"Marcus, I just now thought about it. I got dis gul you can talk to dat work over at Office Depot. I think she a freak. If you wit Stuckey, ask him do he have any gulz I can talk to...den we can jus go do somethin wit dem. My mom don't really want me goin out dis time of night so I told her I wasn't gonna go to da strip club."

Marcus went in his voicemail and put that message on speakerphone. We laughed like hell about it. The plan is to pick him up and just ride to the strip club. He won't object when we get there. So we get to his house to pick him up.

Jermaine: Man, what up Marc; what up Stuckey, man?

Me: Chillin.

Jermaine: Did Marc tell you about dat favor?

Me: Yeah. I'll see what I can do. I can't set anything up tonight though.

Jermaine: Dats cool, Stuckey man. Where we goin den?

Marcus: Since you can't go to a strip club, we're going to Rock-a-Billy's

Jermaine: Ok den.

I drive straight to the strip club, park, and get out.

Jermaine: Aww man, Stuckey man. YOUAFOOLSTUCKEYYOUAFOOL-HAHAHHAHA!

I knew he wouldn't trip. We walk in and take up seats off to the side. I''m looking around the club and it's a lot bigger than Exotica was. The chick on stage was way skinny, but had a nice face. I figured that was just because it was early in the night still. After I order a round of beers, I go outside to tell my girl that i'm out with Marcus for the night. After a little small talk, I hang up and head back inside. Our beers are there, but apparently I didn't order enough. We had an extra person at the table. 

It was, Marcus, Jermaine, and Octavia sitting at the table. Before I could ask myself, "what the fuck is she doing here?" I remembered she was bi-sexual. Remember her crazy ass ex in the Kitchen Pride joint? I guess she never got over her part-time lezbo thing. Anyway, I don't lt it bother me. I buy her a beer as well and we sit and chat and take in the scenery. My mind starts to wander after a while. I decide that I'd like to get Octavia alone to dicuss our situation from earlier. To get straight answers from her, i'd need to distract Marcus.

That's easy at a strip club.

I buy him a lapdance and quickly pull Octavia to the side.

Me: Look, are you trying to play my boy or not? I didn't buy your story at Ruby Tuesday.

Octavia: Man, I didn't know you were engaged and all that. My bad.

Me: Even if I wasn't, you got somethin goin on with Marcus. We don't do that kind of shit to one another.

Octavia: Yeah...I feel you. It won't happen again. Can we leave it at that?

Me: Bet.

Now that i've set her straight i'm able to co-exist with her for the evening. Time to start enjoying myself. I pull up a seat next to Jermaine. He's gawking at this girl that was dancing for Marcus so hard, I thought his nose was gonna bleed and he'd fall on his head like they do in Naruto when he turns into that broad.

Me: You want her too?

Jermaine: I'm cool. I'm just observin.

Me: You sure? It's on me.

Jermaine: Well, SINCEYOUPUTITDATWAY-HAHAHAHA!

I shoot her another 10 bucks and she goes after Jermaine. He had the orgasm face the whole time. I would've took pictures for yall, but it was too dark. I was content at the moment and didn't need to be serviced. i just drank like crazy. Miller Lites back to back to back. I hadn't been that drunk in a while. And if I hadn't been, I wouldn't have a story to tell you. They started bringing the main acts to the stage after midnight.

They started playing an old SWV song. "Rain Down on Me" I think it's called. The club regulars start going ape-shit when they hear the song. Then all of a sudden it stops.

Me: Oh shit. We're gettin teased..this next bitch is gonna be ill. (i'm SO smashed at this point).

Jermaine: I wish I woulda snuck a camcorder in here.

All I can say is i'm glad he didn't. He would've captured something he's been trying to get for years. Me fucking someone on film. 

We sit around the table talking about what this girl is gonna do when she comes out. She HAS to be deadly if she gets a response like that before she even comes out. I joke that she'll give me a boner so huge that I won't be able to take it home with me. 

That's true enough I guess.

Before we get the pleasure of seeing wha( this chick can do, they bring out "Saturday". She gets a good bit of applause, so I'm anxious to see her too. She walks out on stage in a white mini-skirt and a black top. I don''t know how many of you played Tekken 5, but picture Anna's second outfit minus the hat. I get a good look at her face and recognize her.

Me: Man! That's Sunday!

Marcus: Drunk ass nigga! They said Saturday.

Me: No. You don't understand.

Sunday is a girl i've known for years. She's been in some adult films over the years. In high school, she turned lesbian and got caught one time on the bus eating out one of the finest girls in the school (oops, I just reminded myself of a story I didn't tell yall. another time). I laughed at her stage name being Saturday. She started to do her thing, coming out of her clothes and what not. She was so fucking FINE. Damn! I didn't remember her looking like that. She had a perfect set of D-cups (fake) and she had her hair wrapped up when she came out. When she let it down, it damn near dropped to her ass cheeks.

Guys start tossing money at her while she drops into a split on the floor. I got my ass up and walked up to the stage. Marcus says something else about me being smashed, but i'm too hypnotized to catch it. I get up to the stage and pull out a few bills. I hold them up so as to tell her she had to come get them. She got out of her split and crawled over to me. She sits on her butt and puts her legs over my shoulders. She uses her legs to pull me toward the stage before she realizes who I am. She must've been drunk too...

Sunday: Stuckey?

Me: Hey you (drunk as fuck)

Sunday: Hey...where are you sitting?

I point at our table.

Sunday: Save your money...I want to come see you after I finish. Is that ok?

Me: Hell yes!

She goes to the back of the stage where the pole is and continues the show. I notice Octavia getting hot and bothered. I nudge Marcus and tell him to look at her. After all this time being buddy-buddy with her, it was time for that shit to pay off. Later that night (quite a bit later), they went to her car out in the parking lot and he bagged her. When Sunday finished, she didn't even go back stage first. She jumped off stage and the guys went crazy. Everybody in the place was trying to get her attention for a dance. She didn't take her eyes off me for a second as she walked to our table.

Marcus: Damn what did you say to her?

Me: (drunk) who me?

Jermaine: Uh oh, Stuckey. She comin ova here SHECOMINOVAHERE-HAHAHA! 

When she made it to our table, she sat in my lap. She didn't do a dance though. She hugged me and we talked for a minute.

Sunday: It's good to see you!

Me: It's good to "see" you *looking at her tits*

Sunday: So what's new with you?

Me: Out of college. Working at Georgia Power. Getting married later this year.

Sunday: You're getting married?! To who?!

Me: Andrea.

Sunday: Yall are still together?! Awww...

Me: Yeah.

Sunday: So are these guys throwing you a bachelor party?

Me: Haha. No. Not yet.

Sunday: Well when you have one, look me up. I'll take care of you.

Me: Like you're doing now? 

I give her a little "poke" to let her know what i'm getting at.

Sunday: *leaning over to kiss me* Yeah...

I was drunk off my ass, but I can't forget that. I reached between her legs and started playing with her clit with my thumb. She starts grinding against me so hard that I felt sorry for the chair. There's a lot of cheers coming from everybody, even Octavia. Sunday was still commanding everybody's attention to the point where the guys were watching us make-out and not the girl on stage dancing.

Until they played the SWV song again. Everybody directed their attention to the stage and went crazy again. I still got Sunday's tongue in my mouth and I can't see shit. I try to take a peak at the stage, but she's going crazy on me. I remember people saying that she and Vacara (girl gettin ate on the bus) used to pop X on the set of their porno's and I wondered if that is what was making her go so wild. She knew I wanted a peek at this rain chick. She says "not yet" and we get back to it.

At this point, I don't know what i'm more anxious for. To find a dark corner with Sunday or see this mystery rain girl.

So at this point, I wanna get Sunday somewhere and fuck her brains out. I can't take her to my car. I'd probably get her fired, but I can NOT wait.

Me: So is there somewhere we can go for a little while?

Jermaine:: Yall hear my boy YALLHEARMYBOY-HAHAHA!

Sunday: I'll give you a choice. You can get this now if you want it, but if you wait, it'll be better.

I don't know what she means by this. As long as she doesn't try to get me to take any X or somethin crazy like that, I can wait. She says that X has nothing to do with it. She'd come back to me when she was ready. She had to make her rounds around the club and make some cash. I ain't mad at that. I order more beer and get back to the show while I tell Marcus, Jermaine, and Octavia the story about Sunday and Vacara on the bus. Of course Jermaine's interest grows immensely when I tell them that I got porn that they were in at home.

Jermaine: You gotta let me get that, Stuckey man, YOUGOTTALETMESEEDAT-HAHAHA!

Marcus: SOON as we leave, we're going to your house to get those flicks.

Me: Bet.

Octavia: Do you have a DVD burner?

Me: Yeah.

Octavia: Make me a copy of that, shawty.

Me: Ok.

So back to drinking and looking at girls walking around the club. A short while later, the SWV song comes on again. Again, everybody goes nuts. This time it's for real. It's about 1:30 in the morning and this is what we've been waiting for. Raindrop comes to the stage...in street clothes?

Raindrop: Shut the fuck up! 

Club goes silent and music cuts off. All you can hear is Jermaine say "AWWJUNKNOW--HAHAHA!!" We shush him quickly.

Raindrop is one of the finest females i've ever seen. Seriously. She looks like Deborah Cox with light brown hair. Yes, that ill. She's standing there in some loose jeans, a jean jacket, and a rolling stones t-shirt (the one with the lips with the tongue sticking out.) She looks pissed, but I know better than that. This is her act.

Raindrop: I ain't takin SHIT off until everybody gets up outta their seat! And I don't see any money! If you broke go home! Get that money where I can see it.

Of course we're all obeying so we can see her get naked. We couldn't obey quick enough.

Raindrop: Muthafuckas that's mo' like it!

She drops the jacket and TEARS her shirt off. She's wearing a tight ass leather bodysuit. She comes out of the jeans and Jodeci's "Freek'n You" comes on. That song basically TOLD me to lose my virginity many years ago. As far as I was concerned, any stripper that danced to it had better do it justice. She did. Trust me. 

Now Raindrop is on stage and I see what all the fuss is about. It's weird how the sluttiest girls that got out there, couldn't hold a torch to her because she didn't go there. It sounds crazy as hell saying it, but it's like she stripped with "class". Halfway through this girl's set, Sunday comes back over.

Sunday: How do you like her?

Me: She's killin it up there.

Jermaine: Yes she is...lawd, yes she is.

Marcus and Octavia were playing kissy face and missing the whole thing. Sunday leans over in my ear and says...

Sunday: Would you like to "meet" her?

She put emphasis on "meet".

Me: Are you serious?

Sunday: Yeah. Thats my homegirl there. We do this a lot. But don't worry. You're my friend...we won't charge you.

I couldn't even get the word "yes" out. I just nodded like a little ass kid. Sunday takes a seat in my lap and makes me scoot up to the table...so no one can see her giving me a handjob while Raindrop is performing. She has every eye in the house anyway. Not like it mattered. When she finishes, Sunday turns around and we make out again. Marcus and Octavia hit the door. I give Jermaine some loot for drinks and another lapdance if he wishes. Sucks that I had to leave him sittin there by himself, but it is what it is.

Sunday leads me back to her "room" . I couldn't believe they had individual rooms. I had always imagined it was like Player's Club where they all shared one. Well, they did. All the other girls had a room, then Raindrop and Sunday had one. I get back there and she gives me rubber.

Me: You say you do this a lot...no offense, but give me one more.

CATHETERS HURT. THEY HURT NIGGA!

So I got double shielding. I get a BJ from Sunday until Raindrop strolls in. She has on the same jeans from the stage and a white tank-top. Sunday takes a break from head-giving to introduce us.

Sunday: This is Jonathan. My boy from school. Jonathan, this is Shannon.

Shannon: Hey there. I heard you gettin married.

Me: Yeah. This is the only shot you'll get so make it count.

Shannon: Wait a minute-- *looks at Sunday* does he know who he's talkin to?

Sunday: *looks at me* You know you just fucked up right?

Me: Did I now?

I did. In a good way. I dont want to say some shit that'll get me banned so I won't get into details. It was 4 in the morning when I came out of there. I can run marathons on a chick when i'm drunk. 2 even. I came back and Marcus was sittin out there lookin very pleased. Jermaine was looking pleased too. He signed one of the lesser-knowns. V.E.I. for life nigga. Octavia had took her dicking and went home. Sunday gave me her phone number reiterating that she'd love to particicipate in a bachelor party for me. 



03-12-2007, 11:45 PM 
Get (off) On The Bus.

I neglected to tell this story with all the others probably because this one doesn't involve me. This takes place back in high school. I was working at TJ Maxx part-time with 2 other guys from my high school, Melvin and Jesse (aka Pimp-tight...the only cat I know that came to school everyday with silk pants, suede shoes, and a pimp cane). The 3 of us both new Sunday and Vacara. Sunday has always been the "frisky" type, but Vacara was the quiet type. Easily in the top 3 finest chicks at my high school. 

She lived in my cousin's neighborhood (the same one that helped me kick Sean's ass in "Punks Jump Up to Get Beat Down"). I remember when all of us were little and we'd be outside playing and we'd see Vacara walking to/from the corner store buying candy or something. She'd sit and watch us play football, basketball, etc. and try to come inside my cousin's house when we'd be in there playing Nintendo (old school son. NES). This was way back when none of us cared about girls. I'm sure yall remember those days. There was that one girl that always wanted to play with you, but you rather play with the guys, then when she hits her "growth spurt" and starts gettin a chest and shit, you'd KILL to have her at your house playing Nintendo, but then she doesn't give a shit about you. This basically happened with Vacara. By the time we got in middle school, she had the total package. And it only got better. But I guess since we would always reject her willingness to hang with us back then, she just got really shy and didn't fool with guys too much.

Fast forward to 8th grade. She still lived in my cousin's neighborhood and we still seen her on a regular basis. She hung out with her sister, Fantaba, a lot around the neighborhood and she smoked weed. Still shy, still not fuckin with the guys. All of us tried MERCILESSLY to get with her. We all had her phone number, but she never answered our calls. She was a fuckin tough nut to crack. Eventually we just gave up. She later started talking to my cousin and shit, but that's only because he started selling weed and he supplied her with some. It went on like this until the high school split. Remember at the end of the Laina story when I told yall about the new high school being built and half the students from my school went to the new one?

Well, when that happened, Bibb (my) County School Board made a rule that you can only go to the school that's closest to your neighborhood. This forced Sunday out of Southwest, and Vacara, my cousin, and just about all my friends out of Central. They all ended up at Westside. And when Sunday and Vacara met, all hell broke loose. With Vacara I mean. She was a completely different person. I'd see her at football games and she'd come sit by me and we'd chat for a while. When I called her, she picked up the phone. All the shit she didn't used to do. I expressed this to Melvin and Jesse at work and they told me that they heard she was hanging with Sunday a lot. I thought to myself "oooooh shit. she's corrupted"

......wait a minute. She hangs with Sunday. It hit all of us at once while we were talking. SHE'S PROBABLY GIVIN UP THE PUSSY NOW!

She sure was. But not to us.

One day, we had an event to go to down at the Macon Colisseum (some police officers were speaking about drunk driving and stuff). Since our student body was basically cut in half, we went on field trips like this at the same day and time as Westside. While the other schools were big enough to have the place to themselves. I had got there with Rodriguez, Alex, Melvin, and Jesse nearby. By chance, we ran into Sherod, Garan, and PK (the girl that Herman cockblocked me on). Of course we were gonna all sit together and clown around during this thing. Melvin and Jesse being the opportunists they were, they were lookin for Sunday and Vacara to see what was up. Before they could even ask Vacara's and Sunday's where-a-bouts, Sherod hit me with the news.

Sherod: Stuc! You ain't gon BELIEVE this shit!

Me: What? What happened?

Sherod: *lowers his voice* Vacara and Sunday got suspended on the bus-ride over here!

Me, Jesse, and Melvin at the same time: FOR WHAT?!

Sherod: Man, Sunday got caught eatin Vacara's pussy in the back of the bus! Sunday had took the girl's pants all the way off and everything!

Me: Are you fuckin serious?

At this time, my cousin and my boy Brian come over to us.

Brian: Ay man! What happened to Sunday?

Sherod tells all of us in detail what happened as we're walking inside and taking our seats. From what he told us, Sunday and Vacara got high, snuck on an empty bus before the students started loading, and started going at it. Like he had said, Sunday took Vacara's pants ALL THE WAY off before she started going down on her. The pants ended up out in the isle and when someone came to the back of the bus to investigate, they were caught in the act. Oh shit.

It didn't stop there. Outside of school, they'd lez off with each other and record it. Then come to school and sell the tapes. I got a couple of them through Sherod. They're awesome. After we got out of high school, they started doing porn professionally (a cut above my boy Jermaine's shit). I loaned them to Marcus and Jermaine the other night after we left the strip club and Jermaine called me giddy as hell after he watched them.

Jermaine: That girl wit the big booty (Vacara) is somethin serious, Stuckey SHESOMETHINSERIOUS-HAHAHAHA!

Marcus is putting them on disc for me and Jermaine as we speak(I no longer have a VCR). I hit Sunday the other night, but didn't even ask her about the bus incident (I was too drunk and concerned with fucking her). She did give me her number, so I think i'll call her. If there are any more details about this incident, i'll edit them in. 



03-13-2007, 11:11 PM 
Cocaine. It's a Helluva...you know the rest.

This one here is back in the neighborhood Vacara lived in with my cousin. Remember me talking about playing football, nintendo, and all that shit? One of the several guys I hung out with when I was a kid is named Channing. I've known him since Kindergarten (where I had a short stay in private school until my folks couldn't afford to keep me there). We'd see Channing all the time around the neighborhood. He was a beast with the ladies (even more so than the rest of us at the time) and an all around cool dude.

As we got older and started hanging out, I realized 2 things. 1) NO ONE CAN BEAT THIS MOTHER FUCKER IN TWISTED METAL. NO ONE. I don't know what the fuck it was about that damn game, but we'd play that shit multiplayer and no one could even dent the nigga's car. No matter which car he chose. He could make instructional videos on that shit. He made the game look better than it was. Real talk. The other thing I realized was 2) There would be these periods of time when we wouldn't see him. He wouldn't be home, wouldn't be at school, etc. When we'd catch up with him and ask where he'd been, he'd say "Oh man I been chillin. I ain't been nowhere."

Not the case. Fast forward to high school. After the split. He was one of the ones sent to Westside (with the rest of my social life at that time).

Around this time, my cousin had started falling in with the wrong crowd. He became a crip and started sellin substances and what not (which is why I haven't called him by his name XD ) so we fell out of touch. I would get my information from Sherod, who knew my cousin and Channing by sight, but didn't hang out with them. One day, I met Sherod out at the mall. He had 2 broads, one of which wanted to meet me. I get out there, and the broad he put me on was the shit. His girl, not so much. I wondered why...I guess he just liked her personality or something. I especially wondered why when some random nigga (probably that Adam Warlock cat XD ) rolled up and started talking to her...AND SHE LEFT WITH HIM! Sherod was hurtin like hell. I couldn't walk around with this chick while he was out there by himself like that, so I got her number and told her i'd get up with her later. Sherod and I start walking around the mall trying to find something to get into.

We end up gettin somethin to eat and sittin down at the food court. I'd always ask him what was going on over at Westside (lord knows I wanted to be there with all my homies...life is cruel sometimes) and he'd usually have quite a few updates for me. This day was no different, when I asked him about it, he snapped out of that little funk he was in. He had just remembered some shit that happened to Channing.

Sherod: Man, you know what?! I just remembered!

Me: What?!

Sherod: Your boy Channing done lost his fuckin mind!

Me: What'd he do??

Sherod: Man...you know he's on that stuff right?

Me: What stuff? Please don't say crack...

Sherod: Yeah! You ain't know that?

Me: Shit no! Oh damn...wait a minute...THAT'S where that nigga would be when we couldn't find him!

Sherod: Yeah, probably. But check this out...he got locked up earlier this week.

Me: At the school?!

Sherod: Naw. At his house. See...

He goes into this story. Basically, Channing cut school one day and stayed at home smokin dope. His mom came home and caught his ass and called the cops on him. You fuckers wouldn't BELIEVE what he did after she called.

He took his high ass outside. Sat on his porch (he lived RIGHT across from a church/daycare...kids were outside playing at this time, it was around noon when his moms came home for lunch). Saw some little girls outside playing and decided that they were "hot" and started beatin his dick! ON HIS FRONT PORCH! TO LITTLE CHILDREN! He decided that aside from the little girls being "hot" that it was literally hot outside that day. SO HE FUCKIN STRIPPED NAKED RIGHT THERE ON THE PORCH AND SAT BACK DOWN AND STARTED FAPPIN AGAIN!

The cops get there and he's still sittin on his porch jackin. When he sees them, he takes off down the road. They catch up with him, pepper spray him, and take his naked ass to jail. Of course hearing this from Sherod put me in a state of shock. His excitement from telling me the story certainly got him out of his foul mood though. Now, I hear that he's doing much better. He's clean as far as I know and had to do time at boot camp for this incident here. I've seen him at the mall a few times and his page on myspace. Come to think of it, I even saw him at the club that night Jamaal's cousin shit in his car. He was askin me to hook him up with a girl (everybody asks me for that...like i'm Max Julian or somethin). Man i'll tell ya...sometimes it pays to Just Say No. 


03-15-2007, 02:28 AM 
Carlos for Mayor.

Before I start this series of stories about the legendary Carlos, I should tell yall a few things about him. First off, Carlos is mentally challenged. Not as much as most people with that problem, but you can definitely tell. I can't fuckin believe I forgot to put stories up about him. Maybe it's because I haven't seen him in ages. At least since I started working for Georgia Power. Still, Carlos is fuckin famous around here so he should've been one of the FIRST topics of my crazy life stories.

This particular story here (there will be several. None of which involve me directly.), is about the time Carlos decided to run for mayor of Macon. Think back to a little story I posted named "Bad News" in which I caught an R.B.I. (Real Bad Injury) at the gym looking at the local news lady's well-toned body. Besides doing the Fox News at 10, she also sometimes hosts a program that comes on directly after it. It's called Fox Files and it comes on a few times a week. It's basically a forum for the people of Macon to call and voice their concerns about different shit in the community. There's usually someone from the school board, a sherriff, or sometimes Mayor C. Jack Ellis (who I hear recently converted to Islam...Macon's awesome) on the show taking questions.

One night, after I had finished watching 24 on Fox, the Fox News at 10 came on. I normally find something else to watch, get on the internet, play games, or get on the phone around this time. This particular night I believe I was in a heated match of Advance Wars DS and just ignored the tv. After Fox News at 10 went off, I continued playing the game while Fox Files came on. 

Mayor Ellis was on that night. A lot of people were mad with him because he had just taken a recent trip to Africa (our tax dollars aren't for your vacations, nigga) with our fuckin money and had a press conference to talk about what an awesome time he had (while we worked at our jobs getting him more money to squander). This meant a lot of pissed off people called to tell him about himself along with people that generally stuck to the topic of the show. After a few heated phone calls, the mayor got a call from a fellow that did neither of these things.

It was Carlos. And he was issuing a chllenge.

Portia (news lady with the sweet ass): The next caller is Carlos from Macon. Hi, Carlos.

Carlos: Heeeeey Portia!

Portia: Hi there. Do you have a question for Mayor Ellis?

Carlos: You sho' look good Portia, baby.

Portia: Haha. Thank you very much, Carlos.

Mayor Ellis laughs and looks over at Portia like he agrees. He turns back to the camera.

Mayor Ellis: Good evening sir. Did you have any questions or concerns for me tonight?

Carlos: I would just like ta say dat you don't do yo job very well.

Mayor Ellis (can tell Carlos is retarded): And what makes you say that, Carlos?

Carlos: You aint shit.

Mayor & Portia: .....

Carlos: You heard me, mista Ellis?

They hang up on him for using expletives and professionally change the subject and take more calls. I laugh and call everybody to tell them about it. I said "turn to it. That nigga's callin back. Believe that." Toward the end of the show, Ruth calls. An older woman with a question about public transportation.

Ruth: Uh..yes. How yall doin?

Mayor Ellis: Doing great, miss Ruth how about yourself?

Ruth: I'm fine. I would just like to know what yall are planning to do about getting public transportation in South Mac-

At that precise moment, the voice on the phone changes. Mid sentence. Mid word. Ruth was not Ruth at all. It was Carlos!

Carlos: (Ruth voice) South Mac-(Carlos voice) It's me again, mista Ellis. Dont nobody hang-up on me. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE! (he loves wrestling and quotes shit from it all the time...more on this in another story). I'm running for Mayor. I'm gon take yo job, mista Ellis. AND DATS DA BOTTOM LINE CUZ CARLOS SAID SO! Matta of fact, I'm gon run for mayor tomorrow.

He hangs up. Portia and Mayor Ellis sit there crushed like they had just tried to beat Justin Wong in MvC2 with Son-son. They didn't even try to respond. They just went to commercial.

One thing Carlos does more than talk shit, is walk. He walks ALL over Macon. Macon ain't small either. He walks clear across town on a daily basis to go in stores and talk shit to people, and flirt with girls. All the girls i've fucked know Carlos very well. It's safe to say that no good-looking girl in Macon has NOT been hit on by Carlos. He's gone after my girl billions of times. More on this sort of thing in future stories. Anyway, Carlos walked to the mall the day after he cussed out the Mayor. He set up his campaign there. He made his own stickers and everything. I was out at the mall playing stupid Tekken 5 when I saw him.

Carlos: What up, big Stuc DAWG

Stuc: What up, Mayor!

Carlos: Just tryin ta make it happen, cap'n.

He hands me some notebook paper with a piece of clear tape on the end of it. The paper read CARLOS FOR MAYOR. He called anyone that didn't accept one of his stickers a "fat-ass". No matter what size they were. Of course mall security found out and chased him through the parking lot, which is nothing new around here. Time went on and he eventually forgot about his campaign though.

And Ellis doesn't go on Fox Files much anymore. He'd suck in presidential debates if he couldn't even beat Carlos.



03-15-2007, 06:42 PM 
Carlos Reloaded.

I talked a little bit about Carlos' infatuation with women. It's so strong that he actually walks across town to some places just to flirt with certain females. He has a certain pattern that he follows. He starts on Houston Ave. (southside...where he lives). He makes his way to Office Depot first. A spot in Macon that is known to employ some fine females. Tolecia even worked there for a while (GOD she got sexy as fuck when she came home from the military. This is where she worked in mega-sexy form way after "By The Way..." and "It Ain't That Serious").

He of course flirted with Tolecia and others then made his way down Eisenhower Pkwy. This is where the Macon Mall is. He started at the food court with Marquita (jail-bait...tried to give me and a friend both the pussy...couldn't go through with it. I got morals nigga.) He would stay there the longest because Marquita actually talked back to him. From there, he headed to The Limited. My girl used to work there when she was in high school. He bought her a whole pizza one time. Of course there were other girls working there that he flirted around with also. 

From there, he headed to Presidential Pkwy. Where the Best Buy girls are (including one that I have a story about...d'oh! Here we go again.). There's also a Target, and Gamestop (where I worked for Christmas one year). Gabby worked at Gamestop. She didn't play video games at all, but she had a great personality. You know one of those people that make you happy when you don't even WANT to be happy? That's her. Also very attractive (couldn't do it guys...jail bait again). Before I forget, Carlos is 28.

Well, of all the women he visited at their jobs daily, Marquita was the one. In his under-developed brain, she was giving him some rhythm. The girl is fine as hell and certainly didn't look her age, so I don't blame him for feeling her. However, Marquita had a man at this time. His name was Bo. And he worked at The Great Steak & Potato downstairs. Marquita worked at Sbarro directly upstairs. None of us guys really cared that Carlos harassed our women. He really didn't mean any harm. My girl would tell me about his antics and i'd get a laugh out of them. She did too. Carlos crossed the line with Marquita though.

First of all, Carlos claimed her openly. If you were to ask him if he had a girlfriend back then he'd say "Yeah, I got a girl, fat-ass. She works at the mall. Her name is Marquita." Now I know that Bo didn't like that, but since Carlos is "slow", he didn't bark on him about it. However, Carlos took it one step further. Me and my homeboy were directly across from Sbarro. At the arcade.

Carlos rolled up on her as usual. Talking for a while with her, while she talked back. Bo came up the escalator to talk to his woman and saw Carlos up there. He ignored Carlos and walked behind the counter to give Marquita a hug and a kiss. Carlos ain't like that shit. At all.

Carlos: NIGGA YOU BETTA GET OFF MY GUL! IF YOU TOUCH HER AGAIN IMMA BEAT YO ASS!

That was the wrong thing to do. Bo is from Pleasant Hill. That's where the Blood gangs reside. Put 2 and 2 together.

Bo: My nigga, what you say to me?!

Carlos: THATS MY GUL! MARQUITA TELL HIM YOU MY GUL!

Marquita left him hanging. She didn't say shit.

Carlos: WELL FUCK YOU DEN, BITCH!

And he SPIT. ON. HER. WHILE. HER. GANG-BANGIN. BOYFRIEND. WAS. STANDING. THERE.

Retard or not. I would've fucked him up too. Bo came out from behind the counter and leveled him in ONE hit. No Uninhibited Retard Fury to speak of. Carlos just wen't down holding his fuckin eye. Yelling. For the next month or two, he could be seen with a white bandage over his eye. And for a while after that, he rocked an eye-patch. He had to get stitches from that shit. His eye is better now, but he still bothers other people's women.



03-17-2007, 12:23 PM 
Carlos Revolutions.

This takes place over Christmas holidays a couple years ago. As a matter of fact, right after Christmas. I was still at my former job delivering office supplies. Every morning, i'd come out of the warehouse in my van and go straight to a gas station to get some stuff to nibble on as I work. This morning that the story takes place, I had saw something out of the norm.

Remember the pattern I said Carlos followed in the last story? Well, he got started on it very early in the day. This morning here though, he was over near my job. Not only is it unusual to see Carlos over there at that time of morning, it's unusual to see him over there at all (Mercer University Drive sucks). I thought to myself "What the hell is Carlos doing over this way?"

Showing off his Christmas presents. 

Carlos had gotten a new outfit for Christmas that year and he was walking down the sidewalk popping his collar at cars as they drove by. I snapped a picture of it (which I no longer have...sorry homes) and sent it to Sherod. He immediately called me laughing. So i'm sitting at the stoplight watching him walk down the street i'm about to turn onto popping his collar at every single car that drove by. The thing is, when he did it, he leaned out into the street a little bit. Certainly not enough to get hit, but enough to make you notice him. An old lady comes up the road in a GMC Yukon. Carlos leans out in the road and pops his collar.

Wrong fuckin thing to do.

The old lady apparently doesn't know shit about popped collars and such and thought she was about to be attacked (Carlos is black after all ;_; ). She swerved hard and her truck ended up on it's side in the Eckerd Drug Store parking lot. The street wasn't very populated at that time of morning and it's a good thing it wasn't.

Carlos put his hand over his mouth like "OHHHH DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?!?!" Like it was cool or something. I just took the phone away from my ear in amazement. Carlos made this lady wreck her car from trying to show her his new shirt. Sometimes I believe Macon can't get any stranger. The lady, fortunately, was not injured at all, and climbed out of the truck on her own by the time the ambulance came and everything. Carlos was long gone down the street before they got there. However, the lady explained to them what happened and the police knew exactly who she was talking about when she described him. Told you Carlos was famous. 

Thinking back on it now, it's a good thing he was over on that street and he didn't pull that shit on Eisenhower. That road STAYS packed... 



03-17-2007, 06:44 PM 
Walk it Out.

This story is a bit spooky because i've just started telling yall about Carlos, and just a while ago, Sherod and Garan called me after having run into him. At the gas station.

Carlos: Hey, man i'm headed ta Unionville. Yall goin dat way?

Sherod: Naw, man. We're headed to North Macon.

Carlos: Oh. Ok den.

Carlos walks into the store while Sherod and Garan watch him through the window while they're standing at the pumps. I'm told that Carlos walked straight to the back where the beer is and grabbed TWO 40oz bottles of Colt 45. He gets to the counter and pays for them. He walks back out to Sherod and Garan.

Carlos: *holding up 40oz's* Deez should get me home.

Sherod: XD

At that moment, another man walks out of the store with a 12 pack in his hand. Carlos yells to him:

Carlos: Hey! Drink 2 for me! *still holding up his 40's*

He then cracks BOTH 40's open. And starts to walk down the street. Now I don't know how yall do it, but in Georgia, walking down the street drinking beer (unless it's the 1st friday of the month, and you're in downtown Macon) doesn't fly. A patrol car pulls up beside him not far from the gas station and they take poor Carlos in.

Well, at least he won't have to WALK home now. But he just wasted money on 40's he didn't even get to drink. 



03-18-2007, 04:54 PM 
Bringin Sexy Back.

This took place back when I used to work at Gamestop over the Christmas holidays. Now, of all of Carlos' daily adventures all over the city, I think Gamestop was his favorite place to visit (it used to be Sbarro to talk to Marquita, but we all know what happened with that). He loved coming there because he got special treatment. With the PS2 and Xbox's we had on display, he would come in and BEG us to put a game in so he could play it. As long as it wasn't M-Rated (didn't wanna scare any kids in the store) and as long as we had a used copy of the game that was already opened, he could play whatever he wanted. 

But even more than that, Gabby worked there. I told yall about her. She was 17 at the time. Very cute, and very easy to get along with. In my opinion, a great person. She was very into church so it was NOT in her to ever be mean or rude to anyone. Not even when they blatantly came on to her all day as she was trying to do her job. And especially since Carlos isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, she'd never snap on him...or so I thought.

Carlos didn't ask a whole lot of us when he came in the store. He wouldn't get on any of our nerves if we just put a wrestling game in the ps2. It would hold his attention until he felt like leaving. Around this time, I think Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 was out. If I remember correctly, it came out nearly the same time Halo 2 came out on Xbox (I know it was in the same month at least...November). Due to Halo's popularity, Smackdown didn't sell very well in our store. And the people that did buy it, liked it. So we didn't see any used copies of it for quite some time. Carlos was very disappointed at this. We could only allow him to play games that we had a used copy of. Which was an older Smackdown game or that shitty Wrestlemania game on Xbox.

Well, until we found a Smackdown vs. Raw '06 that he could play, he decided that the other games weren't good enough for him (this included everything in the store, from God of War to Mortal Kombat...they all sucked since we didn't have SvR06). So when he would come in the store for a while, he'd just come to flirt with Gabby. Gabby and the managers had a silent understanding when it came to this Carlos situation. Whenever he'd come in to bother her, that would be the time they sent her on break. So she could get away from him. 

I guess even though Carlos is slow, he caught onto this trick. And one night he made sure to come in late when he knew she had already had her break. He came in with a plan on this day. He would ask for a game to be put in (can't remember which one). The manager had run across the parking lot to get some blank DVDs from Staples so I was holding down the fort until he got back. I was there with Gabby (of course). I put the game in for him and we went back to cleaning up the store. There was only one shopper in there at the time (not including Carlos) so we were getting the store straight for closing. It was quiet in the store except for the demo video we had running on the tv, Halo 2 sitting there not being played on the Xbox (the main theme now gets on my damn nerves because of working there), and Carlos playing his game on the ps2. He still saw fit to yell when he spoke.

Carlos: OH BOY! IT'S SHO' HOT IN HERE!

He pulled his shirt off and went back to playing the game. This was his plan to seduce Gabby (who was still underage I repeat). I called out to him to put his damn shirt back on, but he just turned around and came over to the counter. He starts looking at Gabby and rubbing his nipple (me and the lone customer in the store are laughing our asses off).

Carlos: (to Gabby) Did yall turn off the A/C in here? It's sho' hot.

The temperature was always like 60-something in the store. The manager liked it cold. Gabby and I both were wearing jackets the whole while this is taking place.

Gabby: No we didn't. It's cold in here. I don't see how you're hot.

Carlos: Maybe it's because of you.

He nods his head over toward the ps2.

Carlos: Come over here and holla at me for a second.

I'm literally on the floor trying to catch my breath. The manager walks in.

AJ (manager): Carlos, man, put your shirt on. You know we don't allow that in here.

Carlos: Oh, whas up AJ? *whispers to Gabby* Come on over here and talk to me.

He goes back to playing his game (shirt still off). Just knowing Gabby was gonna come over there. He had put the moves on her and she took the bait.

Of course he thought wrong.

She asked AJ could she go outside with him. She wanted to tell him something that the rest of us wouldn't want to hear. He told her to handle her business. She walks up to him and asks him to step outside. With a smile on his face, he obliges. They stand right in front of the door and all you can see is Gabby looking up at him (Carlos is tall) going OFF. I don't think she used any profanity, but she hurt the poor guy's feelings though. He came back in the store sniffing. He picked up his shirt and walked back out with his head hanging down. I felt bad for the nigga, but laughed anyway (it's what I always do). We all did. Except Gabby, she was pissed. 


03-19-2007, 09:42 AM 
Careful With 'That' One.

Chapter 1: Sherrie

Back in high school, I had a friend named Sherrie. A LOT of guys I went to school with would tell you that since Vacara left, Sherrie claimed the title of finest chick in the school. Body-wise, i'd have to agree (on a scale from 1 to 10, her chest gets a 3,406,588,260), but she had something going on with her face that just didn't agree with me (she's cute, but...I dunno). Anyway, she and I were pretty good friends because we oddly ended up with a lot of the same classes. She was always leaning over my desk asking me for answers, and when she leaned over, I was always looking at her cleavage. I decided that through this arrangement, we may as well be friends.

Sherrie: What you got for number 8?

Me: *extends my hand* I'm Jonathan. 

Sherrie: *laughs* Sherrie.

Me: Pleasure to meet you. The answer for 8 is C.

It sort of went like that, and after that point, we were a bit more 'buddy-buddy' when we were around one another. It was never anything beyond that, and strangely, I was ok with it. I didn't feel like I just HAD to have her. It made me no difference either way. It did to her because she had a boyfriend...that would have flew off the edge if he caught her cheating. Hell, he flew off the edge on her a lot when she didn't even do shit. It was a sad state of affairs and myself and all the rest of her friends just sat back and felt sorry for her. If you tried to talk some sense into her about leaving this guy, her deserving better, he has no right to do these things to you, etc. SHE'D BITE YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF QUICK. I know some of you have known people like this. It was always my belief that if you stick around with a person that treats you like shit when you know he/she isn't gonna change, you deserve it.

One morning, she came to school and she bit my head off just for greeting her. I don't like that type of shit. It got ugly.

Me: Hey! Good morning.

Sherrie: DON'T say anything to me right now!

Me: Well damn...ok then.

Sherrie: DIDN'T I JUST SAY DON'T TALK TO ME?!

Me: Raise your voice at me again, and i'll kick your ass so bad it makes your boyfriend blush.

Sherrie: :o 

We didn't talk anymore for months after that. I know I could've been a bit more understanding about her situation, but like I told yall, I have an anger management problem XD . Anyway, she's Xavier's friend too (Xavier from "Legend of Laina" and "Real Gangstas Play Madden (With Honor)".). Their friendship is a lot more personal than the one I had with Sherrie. Whenever her boyfriend would do something crazy though, she'd snap on him too. However, Xavier told me there was someone else that she talked to for piece of mind. Her best friend at the time who was going to another school. I didn't know this person from a hole in the wall, but Xavier said she was really into church and read Sherrie scriptures and stuff pertaining to what she was going through.

I thought to myself, "Damn. Maybe this person could calm ME down some." At any rate, I apologized to Sherrie for what I said one day while she was in TJ Maxx. She was with a couple of her friends, one of which was fine as FUCK. She was a little bit taller than me. Thick in the GOOD way, and very cute in the face. Normally, I would've wanted to introduce myself, but with her being one of Sherrie's friends, I passed on it (didn't know if she was crazy or not). In the next few days, she had wrote me a full apology, taking up a whole page of my yearbook. In it, she gives this mystery girl credit for keeping her temper in check. One sentence in particular stood out.

"I don't know what I'd do if it wasn't for (mystery girl's name)...she was with me that day in TJ Maxx."

I wondered if that was the thick one. The fine as FUCK one. Then my mind moved on to something else...

Chapter 2: Matt. (Mike, i'll kill you if you mention this to him XD )

Remember the "New Jack Shitty" story? In which I told yall how I met Jamaal? Well, I didn't meet Matt there (not for the first time). I had met him years before in middle school. We were cool, but not close. When the split came in high school, he too went to Westside (lucky bastards). I would still see him when i'd come to the arcade after work though. He played MvC2 with us (there wasn't anything else to play), but said his fighting game of choice was Virtua Fighter (a man's game right there niggas). That was all I needed to hear. We were boys.

Now, to this day, I STILL haven't played him in one single match of Virtua Fighter (since 5 came out, we're working on that), but we've had enough fun in the arcade over the years that i'm glad I got the opportunity to hang out with him. Around this time, the whole lot of us that populated the arcade for MvC2 had met a new friend. He went by his last name. Jones.

Jones is the illest MvC2 player i've ever known. The guy ain't gonna beat Justin Wong or anything, but playing against him will definitely get rid of some of your bad habits. I should start by saying that Jones is an older guy. He's a retired veteran from the Army. So during the days, he'd come out to the arcade to play MvC2. We'd always have a good time. And he'd always have us cracking up laughing. Just from the way he played. Picture this:

A big black guy with a walking cane. He props the cane up next to the machine, puts his money in, and picks Sentinel, Iron Man (TONY STARK BITCHES GREATEST SUPER HERO EVAR!), and War Machine. The match starts, and he immediately ducks down with Sentinel and starts hitting the top 3 buttons. This makes Sentinel shoot the beam from his mouth and Iron Man comes out with his Uni-beam. If you stay on the ground, you're gettin fucked up. If you get close, he starts hitting the bottom 3 buttons. This makes Sentinel do the sweep and War Machine comes out with missles. If you stay there too long, you're gettin fucked up. And if he hits you with the sweep (and you don't roll like a retard), he's bustin out supers. When Iron Man is out, he's jumping up and doing smart bombs while he calls out Sentinel to shoot his drones. If you get hit by drones, you're gettin fucked up. With a proton cannon.

I should also mention that while he's playing, and all this stuff is flying back and forth across the screen, Jones has war flashbacks. And he starts pressing the buttons and jerking the joystick HARD. The machine starts shaking so hard that you'd think it was going to fall over on you. And if you look over, Jones is sweating buckets. The funniest part, is jumping against him. He hates when people jump (he'd rather you sit there and take mouth beams and uni-beams, and 3-man supers for chip damage until you die). Whenever you jump, he'll say "GET OUT DAT AIR!" "YOU RUNNIN LIKE A SCALDED DOG!" And if you really pissed him off, he'd go to Ruby Tuesday's and "power up" by drinkin "old Chicago's" and come back to the arcade drunk. He plays better when he's drunk, but sweats even more.

Sorry about the tangent, was thinking back on the good ol days. Back to Matt, one day Matt came to the arcade with his new girlfriend. This woman looked a bit old to be with Matt. She was attractive, but didn't speak a LICK of English. She just looked at us and nodded and shit when we talked to her. I didn't know what to think about this one. On one hand, she didn't talk and when she did it wasn't English. So she wasn't gettin on his nerves. Plus, she was attractive. Hell, I woulda hit it. On the other hand though, if they couldn't communicate, what did they see in one another?

America. That's what. This woman wanted to marry Matt to stay in the United States. Like some sort of TV show. Matt just wanted pussy. Foreign pussy. I wonder if Jermaine would've married her if she agreed to appear in "Moments"...where the hell was this woman when he was taping that shit? Anyway, that relationship ended rather quickly. It went nowhere. However, Matt had met someone else. A friend told me a little about her after meeting her.

"You know how Matt likes em. Skinny and light-skinned. This girl he has now though is THICK! She has a real pretty face too. She's a little bit taller than you. He says she's been trying to get him to go to church with her. He says she's really into it."

Thick? Taller than me? Church-going? Cute face? I think to myself that this all sounds familiar. Then my mind moved on to something else.

Chapter 3: Big O.

Big O's name is Oscar, but I call him big O because he's BIG. He's over 6 feet tall and his hands are so fuckin big that he could palm a pilates ball. Just like Matt, Jones, and Jamaal, I met him through MvC2 at the arcade. Of all of the guys, I think I have a closer friendship with him than the others. He and Chelsey (they had cameo appearances in 'New Jack Shitty' by the way), are hilarious. They argue back and forth about shit constantly. Which game console is better, which character is dressed better than the other (when we're playing Mario Golf on Gamecube...drunk), whatever.

But over the years, we've been workout partners, gaming partners (Halo 2 ranked matches back in the day were golden), drinking partners, and clubbers. Now if you think I got some fucked up stories, you should hear some from Oscar. None of them would be longer than a sentence, but he has a knack for catching people doing or saying stupid things. You can just say the person's name and he'll tell you something fucked up about them. Examples...

Me: Mrs. Toliver was my favorite teacher.

Oscar: You know that lady used to sexually harrass me? One day, I stayed after class to do something on the computer and she was rubbing my leg!

Me: XDDD 

---

Me: I couldn't stand Mrs. Lockett! (wooden-leg Lockett from 'Karma')

Oscar: That bitch can't drive! She be swervin all over the place on the road. And she be speedin too!

Me: XDDD 

---

Me: Guess who I saw at the mall today? Derrick's bitch ass.

Oscar: You know that nigga stole my Biggie CD? I loaned it to him to make a copy and I ended up having to go buy another! I bet you he's selling dope...he probably doesn't know what an honest job is.

Me: XDDD

That's the type of stuff you get from him when you mention just about anybody. Before he recently left to finish college in Atlanta, he was going to Macon State College. He called me one day to tell me about a phone number he'd got.

Oscar: Hey, do you know a girl named (unfamiliar name)?

Me: Naw.

Oscar: Man, I was out at the school right? And I saw this FINE ass girl. She's shorter than me, but I think taller than you. The first thing I noticed was her face, but she got ass too. I told a homeboy that I thought she was fine, and he knew her. So he got the number for me. I'm gonna call her tonight.

Me: *thinking* Damn! Is this the same girl Matt is talking to? She goes to that school. That'd be fucked up. *speaking* Yeah man, give her a call. Good luck with that.

As I hung up, I thought "Well, if this is the same girl, and she's as 'churchy' as they say, she wouldn't be trying to play anybody. Hell, it probably ain't even the same girl." To be sure, I started to call Matt to ask him what this girl's name was and to see if it matched up with the name Oscar had said. I realized that I didn't have Matt's number though. And eventually, my mind moved on to something else. 

Chapter 4: Stuckey

Hey, we all know Stuckey. And we all know that Stuckey has a problem with women. One day he'll REALLY understand that he's in the best situation he could ever be in with his fiance'. Hopefully he understands that before he blows it. 

Enough with the annoying third person. Anyway, around this time, I was doing a WHOLE lot of gaming. Being that I worked at Gamestop part-time, and was delivering office supplies full-time. I was enjoying the extra spending money. And I spent it all on my girlfriend, and (discounted) games from my job. Right now, I have well over 300 video games spanning most systems (I sold my PSP. It sucks). At least 100 of them I bought over the 4 month period that I worked at Gamestop. That's how awesome my setup was. Also, around this time, I was really into DVDs. I was learning of a lot of good movies that i'd missed out on from Jay (put CHAOS in the sharpshooter in a chair), and I was going out and buying them just as quick as he could tell me the names of them. 

This meant that at least twice a week, I was at Best Buy. Buying up some movies. One day, when I had gotten off work EXTREMELY early (like 11am after going in at 7am), I took a trip to Best Buy to look around. I just wasn't ready to go home yet so I was out and about looking for shit to do. I walk in and start browsing. In true Stuckey fashion, as i'm looking at CDs, I notice a piece of ass on the next row over. She's walking away from me, but she's wearing the blue shirt and khaki's that the employees wear. I figured that I didn't need to get into anymore trouble, so I turned and headed in the other direction. I hear a voice behind me.

Woman: Excuse me, sir!

Me: *turning around* Y-

She looks familiar. She's an employee. Same one I was just looking at.

Me: Yeah?

Woman: I don't mean to bother you. You got that look on your face like "oh lord. this girl is gonna try to sell me something" XD 

Me: ...XD Nah, you're good. I'm just browsing around today though.

Woman: Oh, well that's ok! Still, let me give you one of these. If you buy a CD or DVD today, you'll get 50% off any storage accessories, like CD racks, cases, stuff like that.

Me: Thank you. I appreciate it.

As she's walking off, i'm trying to remember where I know her from. I shrug it off, and continue browsing. After a few minutes pass, I hear the voice again.

Woman: I'm sorry to bother you again, but what type of work do you do?

Me: I work for an independent contractor. I deliver office supplies. I also work at the Gamestop across the street part-time.

Woman: That sounds about like me. I'm an independent contractor myself. And i'm working here part-time.

Me: Cool. What type of work do you do?

Woman: I'm in advertising. We have to travel a lot, but I get all kinds of different contracts. Am I bothering you?

Me: No, not at all.

Woman: I'm sorry. It's just that you look sort of familiar.

Me: I was thinking the same thing.

We stare at each other for a while.

Woman: Do you know a girl named Sherrie?

Me: THAT'S WHERE I KNOW YOU FROM! You came to my old job with her years ago, but she never introduced us. I've heard about you.

Woman: Oh, you have?

Me: I heard that you were there for her when she was going through all that stuff with her boyfriend. She even mentioned you in my yearbook.

Woman: Oh ok! I never forget a face so I figured i'd bother you until I remembered. XD 

Me: I'm glad you remembered, it would've drove me crazy. I'm Jonathan, by the way.

Woman: (i'll call her T) Nice to meet you Jonathan. I'm T. *pointing at her nametag*

Me: Nice to meet you.

We stand there and talk a while longer and that's it. I was on good behavior and didn't try to get her number or anything like that. I started to wonder if this was the same girl Matt or Oscar was talking to (after all, she WAS a little taller than me). Or even if she was the same girl she had been since high school when she was talking to Sherrie. The whole while we were standing there talking in Best Buy, she didn't mention church. Not even once. Then my mind moved on to something else. 

Chapter 5: Xavier.

Xavier, from "Laina" and "Madden" fame. One of my best homies. Back in school, I remember he came to Central from the private school previously mentioned. The one that Laina and Herman showed up at. The same one that Crystle (the girl that had Sherod by the balls) went to. Also the same school Heather (Soul in the Hole), her kin-folk having sister Audrey (New Jack Shity), and Erica (Erica from the Gap) went to.

Xavier came from this school of incredible women (i've been involved with more broads from that school, but there were no crazy stories from them) not long before the split. After the split took place, he was the best friend I had at school. He was also Sherrie's good friend. Now, I might have mentioned before about Xavier's straight-forward kind of attitude. About him telling Audrey he'd "eat her pussy dry" when she was just trying to buy some shoes (of course he didn't know she had them kin-folk at that time. neither did I). This of course carried over into his friendship with Sherrie. Her being the finest girl in the school and all.

At this time, he was in a committed relationship. And while he said the things he'd say to certain females, there was no way in hell he'd ever cheat on her. Sometimes I wish I had his will-power. If you seen him and his girl together at school back then, you'd SWEAR they were destined for the altar. He opened doors, pulled out chairs, gave her his football jacket when it was windy, and he'd kick a knot in your ass if he heard you flirting with her or coming at her with disrespect. He and Sherrie's boyfriend at the time were POLAR opposites. So when Xavier would flirt with her, she certainly didn't mind.

Fast forward to graduation. Xavier's girl was a year behind us so she was a senior. When senior prom rolled around though, she broke up with him. He was crushed and so was I. Like I said, you'd swear they were destined for marraige. Turns out she lost interest and started seeing someone else. At least she had the decency to break up with Xavier first. Perhaps what hurt Xavier even more than this girl leaving him...

Was the fact that he missed out on fucking Sherrie because of them dating back then. You see, all of us have fallen out of touch with Sherrie. No one has seen her or heard from her pretty much since graduation. But Sherrie did express to Xavier that if he were single, she would've left her shitty boyfriend for him. Xavier was working out at the mall in a sports apparel store called Sports Fan-Attic. You could get just about anything out of there with your favorite team on it. From authentic jerseys to baby bibs to mousepads. I came in one day to buy some Gators stuff (GO GATORS!) and stopped to talk to Xavier for a while. We often reminisce on the old days when we get around each other. Be it Laina or whatever.

Me: How you been homes?

Xavier: I'm straight man. Can't complain.

Me: Where them freaks at?

Xavier: Shit. You got em all. You tell me.

Me: Haha. I got nothing.

Xavier: OH! Guess who I saw the other day!

Me: Who?

Xavier: Sherrie!

Me: You're bullshittin.

Xavier: I kid you not. She noticed me and came in here. We got to talkin, and you remember how she told me I could've had that?

Me: Yeah.

Xavier: Man, she got somebody else!

Me: Well damn.

Xavier: And Stuc, she looks even BETTER.

Me: Yeah?

Xavier: Hell yeah. You remember how her grill was fucked up? She got braces now. PLUS she lookin like she's been working out.

I imagined this in my head. That was the only thing that got to me about her. The teeth. She's perfect now...at least I think. I still haven't seen her since high school.

Me: Hey, did she come in with anybody?

Xavier: No. Why?

Me: That friend of hers that she had. She works at best buy right?

Xavier: Oh, T? Yeah she works there.

Me: She's fine as hell homes.

Xavier: I know. I got into it with her yesterday.

Me: Oh, yall are talkin? 

Xavier: Yeah. Last night, I tried to get her to come over. She started preachin to me and stuff. So I said "We don't have to do anything. We can just chill" She goes back preaching so I hung up on her. I'm religious too, but she takes it too far.

Me: Damn. I didn't think she was like that when I met her recently.

Xavier: Somethin's wrong with her. She doesn't act like that all the time. Hell, Matt had her in his room NAKED just recently.

Me: .....Matt?

Xavier: Yeah. Matt.

Me: So is she fuckin or what?

Xavier: I don't know. Matt had her naked and ready to fuck, but then she sat there talkin about God and stuff. And he never hit.

Oh shit. Is she THAT religious? She'd come over to your house and strip just to get you to listen to her preach? Or is she an undercover freak? And if she went this far with Matt, how far would she go with all my other friends that she was talking to? IS THIS EVEN THE SAME GIRL?! Surely there's more than one thick chick thats cute, taller than me, and loves the lord around here. There's some kinda pattern going on. Or am I just thinking too hard? Whatever. My mind moved on to something else. 

Chapter 6: Marcus.

My boy Marcus hasn't been around as long as the others. I'd known him from the arcade and through Jermaine for a while but we didn't start hanging out until the end of '05 (when the bulk of this story is taking place). Like I said in "Stethoscope", he had had everything and all of a sudden it had been stripped from him. He'd had 2 cars, 3 jobs, his own place, and a girlfriend that swung both ways. When all was said and done, he had no car, lived with his mom, worked 1 job (the sporting goods store that he's still at now), and the girl left.

And took his Resident Evil 4 disc with her.

Any of yall play that game? I did. And it got me HOT and bothered. One of the best games i've ever played. If any of you played it on Gamecube, you'd remember that it was 2 discs. Notice above, that I said she took his "disc" with her. You see, she had a son (not Marcus' child) and when they broke up, she claimed that Marcus said her son could have that. She was just bein a bitch. What is the lil nigga gonna do with half the game?

Son: Momma, where's the rest of the game at?

Momma: Son, i'm sorry. You see, Momma was a ho and wasn't smart enough to steal the whole game from her friend. Why don't you play disc 1 again, but make the man walk backwards the whole time. You think you can win like that? Doesn't that sound fun?

Son: Not really.

Momma: Kiss my ass, you little muhfucka. 

Seriously, he has disc 2 of Resident Evil 4 and has never played RE4 because this girl jacked him for his disc. He needed help. And i'd be the one to help him. To this day, I drive him around to take care of business when I can. Loan him games (and systems). Loan him money, whatever. Because he's a good dude trying to get back on his feet. One day when we were riding around, I wanted to stop in best buy and pick up the DangerDoom cd (MF Doom is ill niggas). 

We walk in and back to the music section. When we get back there, Marcus walks off. I look around a minute to see where he went to, and I see T. I decide to go speak to her fine ass. When I get there, and she's fully in view, I see Marcus on the other side of her. They're talking like they know each other. I pause for a second thinking "not him too", but I brush it off and speak. I then leave them alone to go get my cd. I drill Marcus when we get back to the car.

Me: You know T huh?

Marcus: Yeah.

Me: Yall talkin or somethin?

Marcus. We used to. One night me and Terry (another friend of mine...he's a pussy) were at Wal-Mart and she was standing outside handing out flyers.

She did say she worked in advertising.

Marcus: When I came out of Wal-Mart, I came out with a rose. I handed it to her and told her to have a good night. When I got to the car, I saw her running towards me. She got up to the car and gave me her number.

Me: So what happened?

Marcus: I called her and I went to church with her a couple times.

Me: Oh yeah? So she's really into religion and all that? (halfway knowing the answer)

Marcus: Nah, I wouldn't say all that. At least I don't think so. She wants me to call her later so i'll se what's up.

Of all the people in Macon, how is this girl tying up all MY friends? What the fuck is going on here? It can't have shit to do with me. There's no way. So it's none of my business. My mind moved on to something else. 

Chapter 7: Brian.

Brian is one of my good friends from back in the day. We came up together in grade school. He's black, but is from Hawaii. He's also one of the smart guys that was making all A's and shit back then. I too was one of these people and that's how we became homies. Combined with my cousin ("Punks Jump Up to Get Beat Down" "Get off On The Bus" etc. You know the one.), we were all close pals back then. All the way up until the split.

FUCK BIBB COUNTY PUBLIC SCHOOLS!

So yeah. Ever since the split took place, I haven't seen much of 'ol Brian. One day out at the mall with my girl, I spotted him and took off. I could tell it was him from behind by his afro (which he recently cut off). I literally ran to catch up with him and once I did. We chatted for a while.

Me: What's up B?

Brian: Oh lawd, that ain't Stuckey is it?

Me: Man how you been?

Brian: I been good man. How about you?

Me: I'm straight homes. A little winded. I ran to catch up with you.

Brian: Haha! Yeah I know I was haulin ass. I'm on my break.

Me: Oh ok. I didn't mean to hold you up.

Brian: Naw, it's all good. Which way were you headed?

Me: Me and my girl were out here about to get some food. (just then she comes walking up)

Brian: Man, yall STILL together? When is the wedding?!

Andrea: Yeah! When!

Me: Yall tryin to back me into a corner?

They laugh. We walk over to the food court and get some grub. Briam gets ready to sit by himself, but I don't allow that shit.

Me: Mind if we join you?

Brian: Go right ahead.

So we sit down and catch up on old times. We find out that Brian is going to my girl's college to be a computer engineer. They talk for a while about the school and he and I talk about everything else. I ask him if he's seeing anyone and that my girl has some FREAKS she can hook him up with. She hits me.

Brian: Man, I actually just met somebody new. She's bad Stuc.

Me: My boy! Is she in school too?

Brian: No. She has a job where she travels a lot so she doesn't have the time.

At this point, I wanna stop asking questions. In my world, there is no such thing as coincidences. If the girl travels, she'd be T. Simple as that. No way I was getting away with a simple coincidence. At the same time, I didn't want to act weird since I hadn't seen him in years. Plus my girl was sitting there.

Me: What kind of work does she do? (advertising?)

Brian: She does advertising through a contracting agency.

Fuck.

Me: Cool. So what does she do in between contracts? (Best Buy?)

Brian: She's into the church a lot. She works out at Best Buy too. You might have seen her in there.

Fuck!

Me: Maybe. So you say she's bad eh? (Thick? Tall? Cute face?)

Brian: Yeah man she's serious. Very cute. Kinda tall too.

FUCK!

Me: What's her name? I might know who you're talking about. (T?)

Brian: T.

Me: FUCK!!

That's right. I said it out loud. Dammit. Think fast Stuckey! I look down in my plate.

Andrea: Baby what's wrong?

Me: They put tomatoes in here! (she knows I hate tomatoes)

Andrea: Well, take it back.

Me: It's ok. I'm not hungry anymore (the truth)

I finish chatting with Brian, telling him to expect an invite for the wedding and good luck with T. He goes back to work. I ask myself "Is somebody fucking with me or what??? What the hell is going on???" I'm with my girl though. No time for bullshit. We continue shopping and my mind moved on to something else.

Chapter 8: Train-Wreck Begins With a T.

Superbowl Sunday. The Steelers vs. The Seahawks. I was going for the Seahawks because the Steelers lucked their way through the season and playoffs. They broke Carson Palmer's leg to get by the Bengals and paid Mike Vanderjagt to miss his FIRST fuckin field goal in Indianapolis so they could go to the super bowl. Fuckin cheaters.

Same as any Super Bowl, the question was "Where's the party??" For me, it would be at Jock's and Jill's (where a fucked up Madden tournament would take place years later). I didn't feel up for any kind of party or whatever so i'd just meet Calvin at Jock's, down some Amberbocks and chicken fingers, and watch the Steelers get smashed (or so I had hoped). So, I get there and Calvin comes in moments later. We order a pitcher of Amberbock and go to work on it. It isn't long before they're bringing us more, along with some food. The game comes on and we start talkin shit like we usually do. He wanted the Steelers and myself, the Seahawks.

After a while of watching the bullshit game and the quality commercials, 2 Canadian broads come sit across from us. They aren't cute or anything, but Calvin likes to fuck with people. So we're all talking and watching the game (the broads wanted the Seahawks btw), and I get a phone call. It's Oscar. Calling to tell me to stop by Coaster's. Coaster's is another bar right next door to where I work out at. He said that he was there with Chelsey and that Xavier was there. I told him that i'd swing by on my way home.

I go back to watching the game and I get another call. It's Oscar again so I disregard it. I had told him i'd be there, plus I was pissed about the football game. He called right back. I picked up.

Me: Yeah?

Oscar: Your boy is out here about to get in a fight.

Me: Who?

Oscar: Xavier. Him and Matt are arguing over a girl.

Uh oh. It's a good thing the game was going the way it was. This gave me an excuse to leave early. I say peace to Calvin and the Canadian chicks and get on the road. I pull up to Coaster's and there's a scene in the parking lot. The fight Oscar called me about was to take place outside. I couldn't allow that.

Me: Chill yall. Whatever it is, it ain't worth all that.

To my suprise, that's all it took. Seeing me must've put them at ease for a minute. I pull Xavier to the side to see what's going on. Oscar joins us.

Me: Man what's goin on?

Xavier: Remember Sherrie's friend? The girl me and you were talking about?

Me: .....yes.

Xavier: He calls himself trying to get serious with her and wants to front me about it. I don't have any beef with him, I said that i'd step aside and let him have it.

I look at Oscar.

Me: You know who he's talking about right?

Oscar: Who?

Me: T.

Xavier shoots a fucked up look at Oscar like "you too?!"

Oscar: Shooooooot naw! This is some crazy shit. You know that?

I call Matt over.

Me: Man, she ain't worth all that dog. We're all boys. Oscar was talking to this same girl.

Matt: WHAT??

We stand there hoping he doesn't get violent again. He begins to laugh. I'm relieved and feel comfortable enough to keep going.

Me: Marcus has been getting at her too.

Matt: Oh hell naw.

Oscar: YOU'RE SHITTING ME!

Xavier: Who?

Me: You probably don't know him since you don't hang out at the arcade. And yall remember Brian M?

Matt: Hell yeah! (Matt went with Brian to the other school during the split)

Me: Him too.

Matt: DAMN! *laughing hysterically*

Oscar: Nah, I don't remember him.

Xavier: Don't know him.

Matt: Maaaaan, that's crazy. That's too much for me right there. Yall can have that.

Xavier: I don't even want her. I'm tryin to get at Sherrie.

Me: I would've tried her, but all I could do is fu-- wait a minute. Matt, what the hell happened when she was in your room butt-naked?

Matt: Man, I had her ready to do it, but when we got in the bed, all she did was talk!

Me: What did she strip for then?

Matt: To tell you the truth, I don't even know man. She's kinda crazy.

Me: Well yall can have it. I'm out. Don't be out here fightin and shit.

All 3 of them: Alright, Stuc. Later.

I head home. This situation had ruined my buzz. At least they know what's going on now and they can leave her alone. So I get home and turn on the local news for whatever reason. They had some thing on where a church had small attendance because of the Super Bowl. There was some sort of uproar about it at 1 church in particular. And guess who got interviewed? T. It wouldn't have complicated things if Brian wasn't standing with her on the screen. By then, I had a headache. I dozed off and my mind moved on to something else.
Chapter 9: More Like It.

Now, a few of the guys at the job I worked at were my age. More of them were a bit older than me, but I had a couple peers scattered around that place. Like i've said, at my old job I delivered office supplies for my stepdad. He was (and still is) an independent contractor and his company delivers office supplies that FedEx and UPS charge too much money for due to weight. We were the cheaper alternative. Anyway, we came in when we felt like it, and were off work when our vans were empty. Not a bad setup. It was manual labor (not my thing), but it was the best thing for me to be doing at that time because it freed up time for college and a part-time job on the side.

Now, even though we didn't have a set time to get there in the morning, we did have to have everything delivered by 5pm. And there was no telling what was waiting for you when you got there in the morning. So a silent rule among ourselves was to be there between 7 or 8 to allow yourself time to get finished (if you didn't, the warehouse manager whined to your boss about it and he whined to you...at the time I was living with my stepdad and my mom so you can imagine how that was)...so I got my ass there bright and early everyday because I didn't wanna be bothered.

Most of the morning is spent seperating everyone's deliveries (we delivered by route. I did South Macon and East Macon.) and socializing. Since most of the guys there were older than me, I tended not to say much. That's not to say these guys were in their 40s or 50s, but still part of an older generation. If I did speak to anyone, it was to Big Mike, Pookie, and Dre'. They were my age (or close to it). We talked about clubs, women, music, etc. One morning, Big Mike came in with a HELLUVA story. At least that's what he called it. We gathered around a palette and began to seperate the pieces by route. As we did this, he told his story.

Big Mike: Ok, so i'm out at the mall yesterday right? There was this SEXY ass ho out there tryin to get people to try on make-up and shit. Everybody was walkin past her and ignoring her, so I walk up and try to holla at her. We sit there and talk for a while, and I can tell she's feelin me right. You know how you meet a girl and you can tell she ain't had a nigga in a while? That's how she was man. She wouldn't stop talkin. All I was thinkin about was how fine she was though. She got a pretty ass face, and THICK.

I start to get that little twinge in my head which means i'm about to have a bad headache. As crazy as some of yall may think my life is, I swear it's predictable to me.

Big Mike: So I get the ho's number right? We ain't been on the phone 20 minutes and she tellin a nigga to come over. So I stop and get some rubbers and go over there. When I get there, she got gospel music playin and shit. I'm like "What you got goin on in here? Church?" and she's like "Yeah. I wanted you to come over so we could talk about that." then she asks me am I saved. I'm like "Yeah" and she starts askin me do I go to church and all that. I tell her "sometimes" and she's like "would you come to church with me tomorrow?" By now, i'm gettin tired of beatin around the bush because I didn't come over there for all that. She caught me off guard with that shit so I just said "Look. I'll go to church wit you if you give me some pussy"

Pookie: Oh shit. What did she do?

Big Mike: Nigga, she took me in the back and gave me some pussy!

Dre': And you took your big ass to church didn't you? XDDD 

Big Mike: HELL YEAH! XDDD 

Pookie: XDDD 

Me: :o

Now, I could've got fed up with the whole situation. T was getting more famous by the minute. Soon, she'd be taking Carlos' status. This didn't piss me off however, because in this story here, was some good news for a change.

It was open-season on the pussy.

I thought about going to Best Buy when I got off that day and getting her number, but remembered the long line of friends that were already waiting on their crack at her. Being the good friend that I am, I did not pursue T. I instead told them all the story Big Mike had told me. I told them that when it came to religion, she threw everything else out the window. If it meant getting you in church with a bible in your lap, the gloves were OFF. When I thought about it, Matt always did have a good relationship with God. Good enough that he'd talk to you about it out of the blue anyway. Maybe that's why he almost went all the way with her that time.

So the chase was on. This was like that movie Smokin' Aces and T was Buddy "Aces" Israel. Who'd get her first? Who'd get her last? Would they be so kind as to save some for me and not catch feelings on the chick? Who knew. As they became engulfed in getting her "holy grail", I didn't hear from any of them as much as I normally would. That ain't my problem. I figured that until I heard back from somebody, i'd let my mind move on to something else. 

Chapter 10: The Chase.

After I shared this news with the candidates mentioned in other chapters, a series of dates, late-night phone conversations, and romance ensued. I sat back and laughed at how my boys were going all out to get with this one. She unintentionally (I think...I hope) had all them niggas wrapped around her little finger. The crazy thing is, since all of them knew that other guys were involved, they just dropped the relationship notion.

It was open season on the pussy like I said.

This didn't stir up any beef between any of the guys. Looking back on it, it really does remind me of Smokin' Aces. Especially when time came into play. If any of you haven't seen the movie, the hitmen (and women) basically had 1 day to collect Buddy Israel's bounty. They wanted his heart too iirc. So you can see the similarity here. These niggas had a short amount of time to collect her "heart" (which would give them access to the bounty) before..

T went to New York with her contracting job for an indefinite period of time.

Matt: Matt, in my opinion had the upper-hand here. He knew what it took to get her naked. He just couldn't seal the deal. I had him pegged for the winner. Something came along and knocked him out of the race though. It's funny how shit works out sometimes. Matt ended up having beef with Jones (they had become close friends through MvC2). They played at each other's houses. They hung out at bars, you name it. Little did Jones know, that his wife wanted to "hang out" with Matt too. And my boy Emcy (who ran the arcade). She wanted to fuck her husband's younger friends. Instead of Jones taking it out on his wife, he held the guys accountable. I haven't seen him in the arcade since.

Xavier: Xavier dropped out of the race because he ended up in a meaningful relatonship again. And you know how he does it. He doesn't bullshit around when it comes to relationships. The 2 of them later had a son, Xavier jr., and she broke up with him a year later. I hate it for him because he's so good to the women he gets involved with.

Marcus: Marcus was limited in this thing. I had him pegged as least likely to succeed. His situation wasn't as cooperative as everybody else's. He was living with his mom and had no transportation. Eventually, he met some white girl and he didn't care anymore.

Brian: Too involved with school to capitalize. Plus, he isn't the type to chase pussy anyway. He didn't really want her once he found out about all the other guys on her.

Stuckey: MAAAAAN! I took my ass to Best Buy to see what was up and she was GONE. I was just sure that since everybody else was dropping out, that I could come from left field and claim the TWAT!!, but she was out. She was up north like snow flurries. I had forgotten a contender though.

Oscar: He was the only one that called her while she was away. They talked daily he said. He bagged her SOON as she came back. He claimed the bounty. Emcy says he brought her over to his house afterwards. We were thinking they had hooked up. Not the case. She's with some other dude now.

Big Mike: A one-hitter quitter. He didn't call her anymore after he got the draws. 


03-21-2007, 04:44 AM 
Is This a "Man" Thing?

Just last night, I was at work. I had just finished typing the end of the last story on my cell phone and posting it. All of a sudden, that feeling hits me. Yall know the feeling you get when you think you gotta shit, but you can't tell if it's a fart or a turd that's trying to force it's way out of your ass. So you have that fucked up walk because you'd rather not find out until you're sittin on a toilet. That's what hit me. So I ease to the control room (where all the controls are for the plant equipment) and hit the bathroom. I go to a control room to do #2 because people actually clean the bathrooms daily. Can't say the same for the others.

Anyway, I get in there, have to fidget with those annoying paper toilet seat covers, and I finally sit down to do my thing. I didn't bring my DS or a magazine in there with me, so i'm just gonna drop scud-missles and go back to whatever I was doing. As i'm doin damage, someone walks in. I couldn't tell from the shoes who it was and I certainly didn't care. He came in, took a piss. Washed and dried his hands...

Then walked over in front of my stall. And fuckin stood there.

I thought to myself "I know this crazy bastard isn't gonna fuck with a man tryin to take a shit". It was just my luck. It was Johnnie Roberts.

Johnnie Roberts is one of those older cats that knows EVERYBODY. You know the type that sees you for the first time and knows your name, where you're from, and your parents. You generally see these types of guys outdoors all the time. OUTSIDE of the grocery store instead of in it, or OUTSIDE their house sitting on the porch all the damn time. The type that asks everybody...

"HEY THERE! HOW YA MAMA DOIN?!" You know the type. This can't just be in the south...

Anyway, myself and my family aren't from Georgia. So he didn't know me like that. Apparently, he figured that this moment would be a good time to learn more about me...while i'm trying to shit.

J.R.: Hey there!

Me: *thinking wtf???* Yes?

J.R.: You Stokley ain't ya?

Me: Stuckey.

J.R.: Ok den...is it just -Y or -EY?

Me: ......-EY.

J.R.: You from Macon, Stokley?

Me: Indiana. Raised in Macon.

J.R.: INDIANA?!?!?!

Me: Yes...

J.R.: AIN'T DAT WHERE DEM SANGERS FROM????

Me: O_o What "sangers"?

J.R.: DEM JACKSONS! AIN'T DEY FROM UP DAT-TA-WAY?

Me: I'm from Michigan City. They're from Gary.

J.R.: Oh. Ok den.

Awkward silence follows...he's still standing there though.

J.R.: You ever seen em perform?

Me: Sir, with all due respect. Can we talk AFTER I finish using the bathroom?

J.R.: Gon' head and do what you gotta do! Don't be bashful! We MEN!

Me: Sir, get out of here and let me shit in peace.

J.R.: *chuckle* Boy you somethin else. Come holla at me ya'hear?

Me: ...ok.

After I get out of the bathroom, I go around to the control panel where he's sitting. I don't even have to tell yall what we talked about. All you have to do is read the conversation above one more time. That's right folks. He asked me the SAME SHIT. WORD. FOR. FUCKING. WORD.

Next time i'll pick a different goddamned control room. 


03-21-2007, 09:53 PM 
This Is Absolutely Unacceptable!

Thanks to Kuenai, I got one more. I could make this short, but I tend to ramble (what do you care?). It's about my boy Marco. He grew up in the neighborhood with my cousin, so he knew Channing (from "Cocaine. It's a Helluva...you know the rest"), was actually Brian's (from "Careful With 'That' One) cousin, and was a good friend of mine. Our friendship stemmed from video games. From there, it went on to hanging out, picking up girls, etc. In the 9th grade, Marco and Brian both spent the night at my house one weekend.

Night 1: (Friday)

During this weekend, we'd play Resident Evil. The first one. Marco provided the Playstation (I was one of the dipshits that bought a Saturn instead, not knowing about imports) and the copy of RE. I provided the fingers to play and Brian supplied the brain power to get through the puzzles and such. You see, the problem we had, was that Marco had just got his Playstation and copy of RE...so he didn't have a memory card. So we had to play through RE for the first time ever, in one sitting. Dying was NOT an option. As we're playing, Marco is on the phone with his play-cousin Jada (I just rem-....fuck it. I won't even say it. Just be expecting another "post" from me soon *sigh*). He isn't really paying that much attention to the game because he's trying to find out who likes who, who's single, etc. from her. Picking up on girl gossip that would benefit him, if you will. Brian and I are working the game over like a final exam.

Since the game was a bit more "realistic" than we were used to, it was hard to keep ammo and supplies handy. Plus the inventory system was kicking our ass. Marco would only pay attention if we were fighting a boss or watching an interesting cut scene. Sorry if "survival" is boring, but I wasn't willing to start all the way over. Anyway, during one of our "hold up. I gotta go back to 'this' room" situations, Marco decides he's gonna go take a shower. Whatever, we're focused. So he goes and does his thing and comes back into the room. I'm hauling ass from the shark when the hallway is semi-filled up with water (remember this part?). I come to the two doors. One door is unlocked (where you go to solve the puzzle and drain the water), the other is locked. The shark is quick so you only have time to make one choice. No amount of analysis was gonna help us guess the right door. That's why they make memory cards.

Brian and I picked the wrong door. After Marco suggested the correct one. I died. And got pissed. It was late as fuck. Time for bed.

I get up the next morning before the other 2 guys (I don't sleep well when it's daytime) to go take my shower. We were supposed to be meeting my girl and 2 of her friends that night for a movie. We were gonna get a ride out to the mall and buy some new clothes and shit (this is not too long after I got my dick wet for the first time in 8th grade...I was back to making good impressions and shit with my girl). I get in the shower and go to turn the water on. I feel something slick under my feet. It feels familiar. Not like water. I don't look down though, I just go ahead and cut the water on and think of where I knew that feeling from. Hmm...

A-HA!

The 1st several times I had sex, I did not use protection. One time, I pulled out and nutted in a towel. While trying to get up off the bed, my knee kinda slipped in my jizz. It felt slick...just like...the...tub...just now?

O_o 

..............

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! >:( 

I had stepped in somebody else's nut! My mom and stepdad had their own bathroom. So the last person in the tub was fuckin MARCO. This nigga done beat in my shower! Hell naw!

But it ain't me to make baseless accusations. I had cut the water on already so the evidence was down the drain. Here I go making shit complicated again. 

Night 2: (Saturday)

So we've been to the mall, hung out, and stood around while Marco went around and collected phone numbers from broads (he keeps a TON of numbers, but I never see him out with any females...). We get our outfits and shit and get home. We have to shower before we get dressed. I'm immediately reminded about that morning when I had stepped in somebody else's man-juice. I start up some half-assed conversation to keep Marco out of the shower first. Brian goes first while Marco and I sit there talking about one of the girls he pulled out at the mall. I think I made some shit up about knowing her from somewhere. Can't remember, but it ain't important.

We start playing Tekken 2 after a while (with no memory card), and as soon as Brian comes out of the shower, I dart in. In the middle of a tekken match. I get cleaned up and come out, and Marco goes in. While Marco is in the shower, I confide in Brian.

Me: Man, do you know what your cousin did when he got in the shower last night?

Brian: Well...I hope he washed his ass XD 

Me: Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. But do you know what ELSE he did?

Brian: What?

Me: He jacked off in there!

Brian: XDDDDDDDDDD

Me: I'm for real! I stepped in that shit this morning! That's why I made it so he could shower last.

Brian: Oh, you gonna tell him about it?

Me: Yeah, but I gotta prove it first. I know that shit doesn't "easily" wash away with water. If you just run water over it, it'll sit there and get all gummy and shit.

Brian: *shrug*

Me: Yeah. Me and my girl did it in the tub one time (I say this with a grin on my face...I thought it was the most awesome thing in the world to be gettin pussy...you can see how my life turned out by the previous stories ;_; ). It got all "gummy" in the water.

Brian: So what are you gonna do?

I picked up the phone and called Andrea.

Andrea: Hey baby.

Me: Hello, snugglebunny. (Don't talk shit about my girl's pet names...i'll kill you) Do you have that blacklight that you got from Spencer's still?

Andrea: Yeah. Why?

Me: I need to borrow it.

Andrea: Ok. I'll bring it to the movie theater. What do you need it for?

Me: Marco is jacking off in my shower (at this time, I thought to myself "that nigga's been in there for a long ass time...").

Andrea: XD Well, what do you need the blacklight for?

Me: It'll illuminate with a blacklight. I saw it on tv before.

Andrea: Ok. I'll bring it.

I hang up and look over at Brian. He's shaking his head and chuckling.

Me: What's so funny?

Brian: Is it really that serious?

Me: THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE!

We go out to the movie and have a great time. I don't remember what we saw, but I remember getting VERY frisky with the future-wife. Her parents are awesome and they adore me, so all she had to do was ask could she come over on a weekend and it was an automatic yes. She wanted to come over and "do it". I felt like a king ^_^ 

We got home and started passing around the controllers playing Tekken. That Resident Evil would just have to wait until we got a memory card. I couldn't put up with that anymore. As we're playing Tekken, I remembered the blacklight. I take my coat out of the room, grab the blacklight out of it, and head to the bathroom. I plug it up and hold it over the tub.

The good folks of CSI would call this "solid evidence". It illuminated alright. I had him where I wanted him. Since we were enjoying the guy's company (and his Playstation), I figured i'd save it for when he was about to leave the next day.

"He'll do it again." I told myself.

Day 3: (Sunday)

So Sunday, we just hang out around the house. Marco ties the phone up yet again calling broads while Brian and I get back into Resident Evil. This time he plays. I'm too nervous to fool with games at this time because i'm about to get MORE TWAT. This would be my 4th (maybe 5th) time and I still wasn't completely comfortable with it. The first several times were all like this. When we planned it, I'd be too anxious to do much else. I really cared (and still care) about my girl enjoying it. The other broads that i've posted about and stuff like that? Couldn't give less of a damn what they got out of it. 

Anyway, while Marco is on the phone, the line beeps. It's Andrea. She hadn't told her parents that there were other guys over here to ensure they said yes. I had already told them that she was gonna come through and that they'd have to "find something else to do" for 15-20 minutes after she arrived. My folks had gone out to visit some of my stepdad's family (they always did that on Sundays). When Marco, hands me the phone, he grabs his toiletry bag and heads to the bathroom. I mumble "I got you now, fucker" and go on to talk with the wife.

Andrea: Did you use that light? *giggling*

Me: Yeah I used it. And you know what? HE DID IT AGAIN >:( 

Andrea: XD What did he think of his date?

Me: He says he likes her. Hopefully she can take care of him so he'll quit jacking it in other people's bathrooms.

Andrea: You sound pretty cocky. You think you're the man because you're gettin some?

Me: Of course! After all, i'm gettin some from "you" ^_^ (Brownie points never hurt anybody. Shut up.)

The conversation went like that until she said she was on her way. After what seemed like an eternity, Marco comes out of the shower. I playfully ask "Damn, nigga was you that dirty?" He replies "You know I can't be smellin sour. I got too many freaks for that."

Then why are you masturbating so much, Fappie Chan?

We get back into the game until my visitor arrives. As planned, they get lost while I do my thing. I lasted a lot longer that time, which I was proud of, and for the mega-ultra brownie point bonus, I went down on her for the first time. She was coming like an income-tax return. After we finished, we went to go shower.

Oh yeah! In the heat of passion, I almost forgot. I stopped Andrea before she cut the water on.

Me: Hold up.

Andrea: ? Oh! Where's the light? *giggling*

I go and grab it, plug it up, hold it over the tub, and hit the lights....

Nothing. I ain't see shit.

Me: O_o 

Andrea: You should've told him when you had the chance.

Me: I'll tell him anyway. He can deny it if he wants, but he knows what he did.

I go to turn the light back on and as I do, I lift the light up out of the tub. Something caught the corner of my eye...on the wall. I held the light up a little higher.

Me: >:( 

Andrea: XD 

Me: No he didn't lay down, THEN beat it!

It was the only explanation. It was on the wall opposite of the shower-head. And just above the tub on the tile. He must've shot off pretty hard. He's in some shit now.

Andrea: Well, at least we can shower and it won't disappear.

Me: No. He'll try to say I did it while I was in here with you.

I grab some clothes to throw on right quick and my girl gets in my room and locks it up. I go to get Marco. We get in the bathroom.

Me: Now, I didn't wanna embarrass you in front of anybody else, but why are you jacking off in my shower man?

Marco: What the hell you talkin about?

Me: That's why you shower so often. And that's why it takes you so long to get out. Save that for your own house man. I have to shower here every day and i'd rather not do it in a sea of your nut.

Marco: Man...

Before he can get it out, I plug the blacklight up, turn the light out, and hold it against the wall. He's speechless.

Me: I ain't pissed or nothin like that, but that ain't right man. You know I stepped in that shit yesterday?

Marco: My bad man...I appreciate you comin at me like that. Without everybody else knowing.

Little did he know, everybody in the house knew. And now everybody on SRK does, Fap the Ripper.

Seriously guys. Don't beat in another man's shower. ShinkuuR probably remember's me saying this out of the blue a lot back in the college days (randomly and for no reason). This is what I was talking about, homey. 


03-22-2007, 05:03 PM 
Yes. It's Really That Bad.

Ok. Jada. This is Marco's play-cousin. I don't know how close they are nowadays, but that ain't important. This takes place in high school. When the split came, Marco left and so did Jada. However, after a few weeks, she came back. Since Westside High didn't have a JROTC program, there was a loophole where kids could come back to Central if they wished to participate in JROTC. This is what she did to come back. She said she liked it better at Central. I don't understand why...but maybe her friends weren't stripped from her like mine were. 

Anyway, since grade 7 we had always been cool with one another. For whatever reason, we were associates. From that, our parents ended up meeting one another and they were associates. I still don't know how all of that came about, but she's good people. Not to sound cocky, but I think if I wasn't in a relationship at that time, she wouldn't have allowed me to pick anybody else but her. Since things were the way they were though, we were just cool.

Until junior year.

Back in the day, she wore a lot of jeans and t-shirts. She wore specs and was always chewing on a pen cap or something. Don't get me wrong, she's always been extremely cute, just not all that feminine. She played basketball with us guys, farted around us (even joked about it), and was a gamer. Junior year of high school this changed. Out of nowhere. No more chewing pen caps. No more jeans and t-shirts. She ditched the specs for contacts (which I didn't necessarily care for. chicks with specs are hot). 

Needless to say, she started getting a lot more attention from guys than she'd been getting. Myself included. I was curious as to why the sudden change. Like I said, we were cool so I just came at her as such. Without beating around the bush.

Me: J, what's up with this new look you got goin?

Jada: What? You don't like it?

Me: Hell yeah I like it. I'm just wondering why you switched up all of a sudden.

Jada: Well, i'm seeing someone now and this is what he likes. I'm still gettin used to it.

Me: Ah...figured as much. And who would this be?

She wouldn't tell me. Oh well, ain't like I cared. I just wanted to know her angle. After a while, she told me that she broke up with the dude. When I asked her if that meant she was gonna go back to jeans and shit, she asked me which I liked better. Jokingly, I said "if you're asking me which I prefer, I prefer you wear nothing". She took that to the bank and cashed it. We talked on the phone ever so often (sometimes on 3-way with Marco), but the conversations we had after I said that were very different. It was very flirtatious and it was only a matter of time before I claimed the T-W-A-T. 

So she comes over one night (her parents are loaded so she had her own car before any of us did). We start kissing and touching and all that good stuff. Her breath is a little tart, but I don't have any gum on me and it ain't that bad. I get her naked and in the bed. Everything is going good until I try to put my dick in her...

It wouldn't fit.

I asked her if she had done this before and she said she had a few times. If her ex fucked her, and left it THIS tight, I can see why she dumped him. I tried lube, I tried opening it some with my finger, I tried getting her to relax, but it wasn't going in. I couldn't give up though. And after 15 or 20 minutes, I get in there. I didn't want to hurt her, so for a while I kept asking was she alright. She said she was fine so we started to really go at it. She wasn't much of a moaner, she just breathed hard (as do I). As this was going on, something started KILLING my nose. Her breath smelled like fuckin train smoke. I stopped.

Me: J?

Jada: What?

Me: *sniff* Is that my breath or yours?

Jada: Huh?

I told myself that I could just nut and get it over with asap. I told her "nevermind" and went back to it. Again, the odor hits my nose. It's so bad that I lose wood. I couldn't get it back, but I didn't tell her it was because of her breath was smelling like old bus seats. I sat there while she told me "don't worry about it. i hope there will be other times" etc. I had to let her think it was me because I didn't wanna hurt her feelings.

We did it again at a later date. This time, I politely offered her some Altoids. She popped a couple in her mouth and started to go down on me. Let me tell you guys something. Get a girl to blow you with an altoid in her mouth. Then when she gets it all wet, have her blow on it. That shit feels weird, but good. Even after you put a rubber on and hit it. She eventually got another boyfriend and that was it for our escapades. Xavier tells me that her breath is still stank more often than not. That girl needs an enema. 


03-27-2007, 11:32 PM 
I Don't Like Thievery.

This is a short one. So i'm out at the mall some time ago and I walk into a store called Watches Unlimited. I purchase a Fossil watch for about 80 bucks. I decide to wear it out of the store. So I pay, put it on, and head out of the mall to my car. When I get to the car and start to get in, I happen to look down at the watch I had just bought.

The fucking second hand fell off inside the casing. It rattled around inside the casing and got tangled up with the minute hand and everything. This didn't upset me though, because I had just bought it and it would be no problem to take it back in the store and exchange it for another. So I close my car door back, and walk back into the mall. I get into the store and explain what happened to the clerk (whom not even 5 minutes ago, sold me this watch) and that i'd like to exchange it for another one. You know what this fucker tells me?

Clerk: We can't take it back if it's been worn.

Me: ...XD You're joking aren't you?

Clerk: Very sorry sir, we can't take it back. You've worn it.

Me: Wait a minute. You saw my face in this store not even 5 minutes ago. You can barely say I tried the damn thing on. I JUST bought it. *Taking the watch off* Now, give me another one.

Clerk: Very sorry sir, I wish there was something I could do. (Chinese guy btw)

Me: Sir, listen to me...it would behoove you to exchange this watch. You would not want to piss me off.

Clerk: IT WOULD BE-HOOOOO (fucking the word all up) YOU TO LEAVE MY STORE!

I step behind the counter and stand beside him.

Me: Sir. Replace this watch. Don't make me ask again.

He walks over to the phone like he's gonna call security. No go. I snatch the cord out of the wall.

Me: Maybe you don't understand how this works. If you called security up here, and I explained what you were trying to do, there would only be more people standing here while you did what I asked. I'm asking you one more time. Replace this fucking watch. Or give my money back.

He stands there just looking at me. He's out of shit to say. I decide he's taking too long so I walk down and get security my damn self. I show them the time on my receipt, and they immediately understand that this guy is trying to rip me off. The guy tells me that there's nothing security can do as far as how people run their businesses and that they could get me in contact with the mall management. I tell them that it won't be necessary. All he'd need to do is come with me. I already had the fucker scared to death. If he saw that security agreed with me, he'd replace the watch and that'd be that.

So I walk back into the store with the security guard. Security is holding the receipt in his hand.

Security: Sir, he just bought this watch a few minutes ago. There's no good reason he'd walk right out of the store and break it just so you could give him another one. Don't yall fix watches here?

Clerk: Yes, sir.

Security: Replace his watch. Then you can fix this one and sell it all the same.

Me: And hurry up.

That was that. He replaced the watch while I laughed.

Me: See? Just another person standing here while you do what I say.

Clerk: Here you go. Leave my store please.

Me: Eat a dick. 



03-29-2007, 05:42 PM 
Leon the Bartender.

So we went to Coaster's last night. If that name sounds familiar to you, it's because it's the very same bar in which a fight almost took place over T from "Careful With 'That' One." We decided on this spot here because we knew Melanie. Melanie is the usual bartender here and since we're acquaintances of hers, all we have to do is shoot her 5 bucks each and she'll keep the drinks coming all night. Can't beat that right? The food is nothing to write home about, but if you're drunk, you don't notice that it sucks.

So it's myself, Rodriguez (from a couple other stories), Xavier (you know him by now), and his cousin Tim. We arrive at Coaster's and immediately are disappointed. 1) It's karaoke night and 2) Melanie has the night off. Dammit. We see a few other people we know, so we come on in to socialize and what not. Before too long, we say fuck it and make ourselves comfortable. We order wings and beers and pull up to a table with Isaac (the one that fooled with Laina during Festival) and Cory. Now, when we ordered our shit, our orders were taken by a cute white chick. We thought that this would be our server for the night, and I dont believe anyone had much of a problem with that.

However.

The person that brought our stuff over was Leon. Leon the Bartender. First, i'll describe his appearance and see if you can figure out where this story is going. He had on a tight, silver, satin, button-up shirt. A leather vest over the shirt, and pants that looked like capri's. Figured it out yet? Well if you're retarded let me spell it out for you. Leon is mad gay. MAD GAY HOMES. First thing out of my mouth when this guy came strutting over to our table holding beers was...

Me: DAMN! Yo man, what happened to the girl that took our order?

Leon: I let her run the bar for a while. *smiles*

Everybody at the table is laughing except me (which had to be a first) and Tim. Mainly because of what the nigga is wearing. I wasn't laughing at the way he was smiling at me. Tim wasn't laughing because it seemed like he knew this guy. From here, it gets messy. And this was Leon's first time working the night shift. 

And hopefully his last.

So we're sitting at the table eating shitty wings and washing them down with MGD's. We start talking about the old days and catching up on new shit. A few highlights from our talk...

- Xavier's baby's momma has flew off the handle. She pulled a gun on her current boyfriend just last week.

- Rodriguez stole a girl from Young Jeezy when he was performing at the concert after-party at Rock-a-Billy's. (Rodriguez works at The Rock as security.)

- Isaac FUCKED Laina that day at festival. In the ass. No wonder she wouldn't talk about it.

So we're enjoying each other's company and laughing at the Karaoke contestants when suddenly...

A man takes the stage. In his tight, silver, satin, button-up shirt. Leather vest. And capri's. Everybody got their camera phones ready. Tim just looked down at his drink. Wtf? 

So Leon gets on stage and I couldn't believe what he was about to do. The music that started to play was recent, but not brand new. It took a minute, but I figured out what it was. "What You Waiting For" by Gwen Stefani. Jeez Louise. I don't know about yall, but I got a thing for Gwen Stefani. She gets me fucking HOT. Seriously. I'd jackhammer her pussy.

Her music is good too, don't get me wrong. But Leon made me like it just a little bit less. I started to drink a little faster. I looked over and noticed Tim sitting there looking down with a pitiful look on his face. While everybody else is distracted, I see what's up.

Me: What's the problem man? You been actin like this since you saw that nigga.

Tim: Man don't worry about it. You'll find out before too long.

Me: ?

After Leon is done butchering perfectly good music, he walks straight to our table. I tell him to bring me some more beer. The rest of the guys ask for refills too. Leon looks over at Tim and starts rubbing his chest.

Leon: And what you want, Tim?

Tim: Bring me another Miller.

Leon: Mmmmm....

And he turns around and walks off. We all look at Tim.

Xavier: You know that nigga?!

Tim: Yeah. He used to be friends with my sister.

Rodriguez: Used to?

Tim: Yeah. They got into it over me.

Xavier: How??

Tim: He kept talkin about me, man. She got tired of it and told him to get the hell on.

We all laugh our asses off. I quickly make the suggestion of going to another bar. Nobody else gives a shit about Tim I guess because everybody said they liked it there fine. Oh well. Leon brings the stuff to our table and then proceeds to go to the restroom not far from our table. And stays a while.

You see, the beer had me desperately needing to take a piss, but this bar is kinda small. It has one toilet for men and one for women. This caused me to pay a large amount of attention to the bathroom door. After what seemed like an eternity, Leon struts out. As he comes back to our table and asks us if we need anything, I jump up and charge for the restroom. As soon as I get there and put my hand on the doorknob, the door flies open. There's an old white man standing on the other side of the door. And I mean OLD!

I say to myself "This is FUCKED UP! Our waiter is tryin to be slick gettin dick in the bathroom! From a senior citizen!!". 

So I go in and take my piss. I do a quick look-around to make sure i'm not standing in jizz or something. After I do my thing, i'm ready to go. I couldn't eat or drink anything else that Leon brought to the table. Plus, I didn't want to stick around and have a longer story to post here. Something told me the shit wasn't over.

When I stepped out of the bathroom, Leon was still at our table. He had taken my seat and was saying some shit to Tim. Tim was looking in the other direction during the conversation. And I could tell he was mad as fuck. I walk back over to the table and motion for Leon to get his gay ass up. He stands up from the chair, and immediately comes back down. It looked like he lost his balance a little bit, but he exaggerated. It's something you had to see. He fell right on Tim's shoulder, then wrapped his arms around him.

We all laughed our asses off. Until Tim hit the poor guy.

To my suprise, for a gay dude, Leon could fuckin fight. He got a couple of choice hits in, but Tim was super pissed and came away with the win by knockout. Oh well, at least that meant we could get the fuck out of there. We stood out in the parking lot and tripped out about it. Tim eventually joined in and shared some laughs with us.

It kinda didn't end here though. You see, the next day I decided I wanted Motorstorm on PS3. So when the stores opened, I went down to EB Games. Guess who works there? Leon. I laughed to myself and snuck a picture of him (he was wearing the SAME tight, satin, silver, button-up shirt. Minus the vest.) I'll post it when I get home. 

Now the odd thing is, is that someone else works in this very same shopping center. 3 doors down from EB. Past the jewelry store and the beauty supply store. Right where I saw the car from "Leave it to MacGuyver" in front of the Chinese resturant. In the sports apparel store in that shopping center...

Tim just got hired part-time. He hasn't even been there 2 weeks. So he and Leon are neighbors. Yall think he might be a stalker? 


04-04-2007, 04:29 AM 
Wrong Place. Wrong Time.

Yet another story about my boy Jermaine. This story here takes place the Sunday of Wrestlemania 23. Marcus, Jermaine, and I were supposed to show up at Larry’s (new) house to watch it on the big screen. I haven’t been a fan of wrestling since Jericho left. And probably never will be again. But come on, it’s Wrestlemania…add some beer, pizza, and fried chicken and it has to be at least kinda entertaining. Anyway, Wrestlemania was scheduled to start at 7pm. I woke up that morning with a bad hangover from the night before and ended up sleeping it off. I didn’t wake back up until 5pm. I felt like a million bucks though. When I woke up, my girl was at my house. She’s finally back from California. The plan is to shoot to a movie and spend some time with her, then head to the festivities at Larry’s.

Now, I’m pretty sure none of youse guys have ever been to Macon, so this may be a bit hard to follow. There will be street names in this story and I’ll try to keep it as simple as I can. You gotta pay attention though. In Macon, we have 2 movie theaters. One of them I mentioned in “Movin’ Cool (at Wal-Mart)” on glorious Zebulon Rd. aka Heaven. The other one is usually always dirty and nobody ever goes there. Sadly, it had what we wanted to see, when we wanted to see it. So that’s where we went. Tom Hill Sr. Blvd in North Macon. Remember this street name. It plays a part in this story. Anyway, I get to the theater with my lady and we sit down to watch Wild Hogs (which is better than I thought it’d be. Martin Lawrence for life!). Once it’s over, I take her back to my place so she can get her car and such and we go our separate ways. I call Marcus, who was at the mall before my girl and I left for the movie. He caught a ride to a friend’s house and said he’d get this friend to drive him to Larry’s. I got no problem with that. So all I have to do is pick up Jermaine and head on over.

I can’t find Jermaine.

I called his crib, but his ugly, mean ass mom hung up in my face. When I called the scuz-bucket whore back, she told me that Jermaine wasn’t home. Shit. I was really counting on him to be at this Wrestlemania gathering because there’d be broads there. Knowing Jermaine, he was gonna spend the entire night getting on their nerves while I laughed. I was banking on that just in case wrestling sucked ass (which it did, btw…a lot). Anyway, I figured I’d ride by his house first just in case his mom was bullshitting me. I get there and knock on the door. His mom comes to the door, not knowing that I was the one that called, and POLITELY told me Jermaine wasn’t home. So I believed her then. Bitch is still ugly though. So I’m wondering where Jermaine has gone off to. He doesn’t have a cell phone or anything like that, so if you can’t catch him at the house he’s pretty much dead to the world. I leave, order and pick up some pizza’s from Papa John’s, then go to Larry’s house. Marcus hadn’t made it yet. And Jermaine didn’t mysteriously turn up there either. I asked Larry and everybody else that had made it if they’d heard from him. They hadn’t. That kinda irks me because Jermaine isn’t one to go against his word. If he says he’s gonna be somewhere, you can usually take that to the bank and cash it.

So I sit down and start downing some beers and eating. The first wrestling match was pretty entertaining. I don’t know if any of yall watch, but there’s a guy on WWE now named Mr. Kennedy. He’s funny as fuck. I cheered for him to win and he did. Yay for me. From there, it just got lamer and lamer though. It was hard to pay attention to it. The doorbell rings. As Larry gets up to get the door, I’m looking for Jermaine or either Marcus (or both), but it’s neither. It’s the females that were supposed to show up. I don’t know them and they ain’t particularly cute (remember the “Stethoscope” story? Larry doesn’t get hot chicks). This would’ve been the moment Jermaine pulled out some chairs for them to sit in. Then he’d sit there beside them and ask them remedial ass questions like they’re 4th graders.

“You drove yo car here? What kinda car you got?”

“You don’t be speeding do you?”

“I like that necklace. You get that from Friedman’s?”

“I sho’ll like yo hair. It’s real natural-looking.”

And other choice one-liners that only Jermaine could pull out. It would go on all night until either the girls got pissed and left, or Larry forced me to take Jermaine’s ass home. It’s hilarious and I love it. Sadly, his ass wasn’t there though. The bell rings again a while later. It’s Marcus this time. He comes in talking about this Iron Man t-shirt he saw at the mall. Knowing that I love Iron Man, he figured this’d be something I wanted to hear. It wasn’t.

Me: Damn all that. Have you heard from Jermaine?

Marcus: No. *looks around* Awww….he ain’t here? There’s girls here though!

Me: I know man! I went by his house and he wasn’t there. I don’t know where the hell he is. Nobody else here knows either.

Marcus: Well damn. Maybe he’s somewhere WITAGULANDHISCAMERA-HAHAHA! (Marcus does a pretty solid Jermaine impression).

Me: Yeah, he got ONEOFDEMWHITEGULZBUILTLIKEDEYBLACK-HAHAHA!

This turns everybody’s attention from Wrestlemania to crack jokes on Jermaine. Everyone shares their fucked up Jermaine experiences and we reminisce on some of the dumb shit he did. Especially the “Moments” stuff. The girls at the party don’t know Jermaine, but they’re intrigued at what we’re saying about him. They’re laughing and they seem genuinely interested in meeting him. Dammit, it’d be perfect if he were to walk in right now. We might’ve just got him some free pussy! At that moment, the doorbell rings. I look at Marcus.

Me: Oh shit it’s over HEGONGITONEOFTHESEGULZ-HAHAHA!

With excitement, Larry strolls over to the door and opens it up. SHIT. It ain’t Jermaine. It’s Rodney with the chicken. Oh well, at least he brought more food…and a clue on Jermaine’s whereabouts. He mentions it as soon as he came in the living room. What you’re about to read is what Jermaine was doing when he should’ve been hanging with us watching wrestling.

Rodney: Man, yall heard about Jermaine?!

All of us: No.

Rodney: MAAAAAN….he got to fightin’.

All of us: What?!

Rodney: Hell yeah man. I just dropped him off at the house. Lemme tell ya…

(This is the story as it was told to Rodney from Jermaine and another person involved, then to us.)

That evening, Jermaine had a “date” set up. The girl he was going to see was Tori. Yes, this is the same Tori that almost threw me out of the window in the 8th grade in “…By a GIRL?!” The only problem Jermaine had was that he had no transportation and neither did she. Apparently, over the phone she made it known that if he could get to her place, he could fuck her. Period. Now Jermaine stays in a neighborhood called Baconsfield. Tori lives in an apartment complex called Oak Ridge. Jermaine, wanting to fuck Tori in the worst way, decided to walk. From Baconsfield. To Oak Ridge. This is almost a 10 mile walk IN THE RAIN (yes, it rained the Sunday of Wrestlemania). 

So Jermaine set off to do this. Without calling to leave me a message. Or letting anybody else know for that matter. I don’t think he’s ever wanted a girl so bad. I’ve heard from numerous people that fingered/fucked Tori that she has the FATTEST pussy in the universe. And I hear it’s great. But the girl is far from a dime. Not even a 5 or 6. I wouldn’t even fuck her LET ALONE WALK 10 MILES TO DO SO. I guess somebody put the bug in Jermaine’s ear about this girl’s lower region and she guaranteed him a shot at it. That was all the motivation he needed. So he headed out. He arrived maybe a little over an hour later (around the time I was at the movies with my girl). He walked the 9.18 miles to her house and STILL had the energy to fuck her. Before he did though, he set up his camera in a spot where she couldn’t see it. The only other time he’d filmed a girl without her consent was when I filmed his last scene of Moments from the closet. I don’t think this was gonna be for sale though. I think he just wanted to treasure it. It was something about this girl that had him doing shit WAY out of the Jermaine norm.

Anyway, he finishes up with her and goes to collect his camera. While she didn’t see him plant it, she caught him recovering it. Jermaine had no choice but to bail. He walked 10 miles, had sex, and immediately had to take off running out of Oak Ridge. It’d sure be nice to have a cell phone right about now wouldn’t it? Now, Oak Ridge’s entrance is on Riverside Drive. The back entrance to Oak Ridge is on Northside Drive. This is the way Jermaine went. He took off out of Oak Ridge and ran down Northside Drive. He made it to the Kroger…on Tom Hill Sr. Blvd. DIRECTLY across the street from where I was at the movies with my girl. He gets to Kroger and decides to go in to catch his breath for a while and get something to drink or whatever. He wasn’t followed there to his knowledge. As he’s walking in the store, someone recognizes him from the parking lot. It’s a guy named Waldren (we call him Walt). Apparently, Walt (who also lives in Oak Ridge) was outside rounding up shopping carts (he works at the Kroger) and saw Jermaine as he was walking into the store. Walt doesn’t like Jermaine…and hasn’t for a long time.

You see, back in the day Jermaine and Walt got into it over some money. Stolen money to be exact. Walt accused Jermaine of stealing from him some time ago. We think he’s just assuming based on Jermaine’s line of work and his personality. I don’t think Jermaine would steal from friends. From other folks, yeah, but friends? I doubt it. He begs us for money all the time, but I don’t think it’s in him to take it. Anyway, this was so long ago that we had all but forgot about it. Walt hadn’t though I guess. When Jermaine walked into Kroger, Walt got his collected shopping carts and headed into the store behind him. Jermaine had walked over into the produce section when he went in. There, he saw a girl. Although he was on the run from doing illegal shit, Jermaine’s still gotta be Jermaine. So he approaches this girl to chat her up. While he’s talking to her, Walt is coming in and lining up the shopping carts in the front of the store. He looks over into the produce section and sees Jermaine…talking to his girlfriend.

All Walt needed was a reason. A good reason to kick Jermaine’s ass. This was it. He didn’t care if it cost him his job. He ran over into the produce section and jacked Jermaine up by the collar of his shirt. He’s getting ready to go ape-shit on him but he wanted Jermaine to get a good look at his face.

Walt: What you doin messin wit my girl nigga?

Jermaine: Man, I ain’t know this was you man…I swear I ain’t know.

After a little bit of a stare-down with Walt still holding Jermaine up by his shirt (they haven‘t made a scene yet. There weren‘t a lot of people in the store), Jermaine attacks.

By biting Walt’s face. Literally sinking his teeth into Walt’s cheek.

Walt starts going to work on him while his girl just sits there watching. She wasn’t trying to break it up and she wasn’t panicking or anything. Almost like she wanted to see Jermaine get his ass kicked. After a few seconds of conversation. I guess Jermaine has that effect on some girls. Anyway, as managers, customers, etc. start to rush over to the commotion to see what’s going on, there’s someone else in the crowd that wants a shot at Jermaine. Take a guess who?

Tori.

Sure it’s a girl…but it’s the same girl that almost threw me out of a window. So you know she can knuck. She gets to Jermaine and throws some shots in herself, simultaneously trying to take his camera. Hearing it reminded me of that episode of Chappelle’s Show. “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong.” when Dave trips about a random guy speaking to his girlfriend and the random guy is a black-belt. Then the girl starts kicking his ass too. Yall remember that shit? Kinda like that minus the urine. Plus he lives with his moms already to begin with [/ramble]. Anyway, police get to the scene. 

At this point I’ve already left the movie theater. Rodney is at the KFC right in front of Kroger buying chicken to bring to Larry’s house. The police rushing in the store intrigues him so he goes up toward the store to see what’s going on. Police cuff Tori and Walt immediately because they’re the ones doing all the swinging. Jermaine is just taking shots and protecting his camera. As the police are getting everything under control, the customers start to tell the police that Jermaine got assaulted by Tori and Walt. They said he never fought back. They basically felt sorry for him for getting molly-whopped like that. The police were convinced that this was the case because that’s what was taking place when they arrived. Jermaine stood up while cops were getting Walt and Tori under control. Walt starts complaining about getting his face bitten (which nobody saw except him and his girlfriend) and Tori starts telling the police about how Jermaine filmed her. Yelling “HE HAS A CAMERA! GET HIS CAMERA! HE TAPED ME!“ and what not. During the commotion, he hauled ass out of the store.

And ran right smack into Rodney. They hopped in his car and peeled off. Jermaine told Rodney the story on the way home.

Now, what I just told yall was from Jermaine AND Walt. Walt told Rodney his side of the story when he got out of jail and Rodney told me Walt’s part through e-mail. I don’t know what happened with Tori, but I’m very concerned about that. And Jermaine should be too. I plan to call him about it today because:

1) Tori wasn’t lying about being taped.

2) She knows his name and where he lives. Police could show up there.

3) They’d find more than enough shit to lock him up. Jermaine HAS done porn with under-aged women before…and peed in their mouths too.

Shit could get messy. But it would’ve been all good if he’d brought his ass to Wrestlemania at Larry’s. 



04-05-2007, 10:37 PM 
Goodbye Wellness, Hello Promiscuity.

I've mentioned Gold's Gym in several of my stories. It's the place where I damn near killed myself trying to look at the news lady's booty (Bad News), the first place I ever saw a girl kick her man's ass (Liyha and Tanya the Sequel), and where I showed up and got a 3some out of it without even trying (again, Liyha and Tanya the Sequel). Well...Gold's is gone. Out of nowhere they just closed the doors and went out of business. It's all over the newspapers around here and a lot of people are talking about it. Not that a lot of people work out around here, it's just that a lot of people have gotten screwed out of money they paid in advance to work out there. Apparently what happened, was that the 2 people that ran the gym had bought out of the Gold's Gym franchise a while back. And since they did this, it technically wasn't Gold's Gym anymore. So they were breaking laws by 1) Still having the Gold's Gym sign up in front of the building. 2) Signing people up to contracts with Gold's Gym. 3) Using Gold's Gym's name to get folks to sign up.

Now none of us members had any way of knowing this. Even the employees didn't know. In fact, they came in to work on Thursday like any other day. They were still taking memberships and still taking people's money. When they came in to work the very next day (Friday), when the manager handed them their paychecks they just said "Oh, by the way we're closing the gym today. For good." It was crazy as hell. On the front page of the paper, they were talking about a couple that had just signed up for 3 years membership up-front (like I did). For the 2 of them, it cost 500 dollars. They had only been able to use the gym for 2 months before it closed on em. Fucked up ain't it? What's even more fucked up, is they state in the contract you sign that you risk losing money if they cease doing business at that location. Right there in bold print. But nobody expected that shit to happen. Lucky for me, I got to use the majority of my membership so i'm only out 100 bucks.

Anyway on to the story, I didn't know Gold's Gym was closed when I got the day off on Wednesday. So I threw my sweats on and shit and headed out to exercise. When I got there, of course they had the tarp over the Gold's Gym sign and all the lights out and doors locked. On the door, there was a letter from the manager apologizing to everybody for what happened. I was stunned. And I knew who would also be stunned, unless she knew already. I grabbed my cell phone and called Liyha.

Me: Yo, you heard the news?

Liyha: About what?

Me: The gym.

Liyha: Gold's?

Me: Yep.

Liyha: Naw. What happened?

Me: They're closed down. They ran off with everybody's money.

Liyha: Bullshit!

Me: I wish. Looks like we gotta find somewhere else to sign up.

Liyha: I was just gettin ready to come out there too. I'm glad you called.

Me: Yep. I'll talk to you later.

So I hang the phone up, snap a picture of the front of the building, and text it to everybody I knew that worked out there. I got a lot of pissed off phone calls and texts about it. At that point I didn't feel like going around looking for another gym to join. I'd save that shit for another time. I came back to the house and played some Virtua Fighter 5 until my girl got off work. She came by and we chilled for a while. Unfortunately, she couldn't stay long due to school work (she's gettin ready to graduate). After she left, I took a nap. When I woke up, I had a text message from Liyha.

"If you want to, you can come by my apartment and we can use the gym here."

I was feeling up to it so I called Liyha to see if the offer was still good. She said yes, so I threw some sweats on and headed over. I got there and she answered the door ass naked. ASS NAKED. I tell myself that my girl is back home now so i'm not fallin for any shit. My ass may be dumb, but i'm not a dumbass. I walk on into her place not paying any attention to her nakedness. Apparently, she hadn't done that to lure me into a trap. Walking around her place naked is just something she does (truthfully, I have heard her say that she does that from time to time). Anyway, she put some sweats on and we walked over to the gym. Right before we go inside, we hear some people arguing. I look out toward the entrance of her apartment complex and see a man throwing his girlfriend out of his truck.

He's shoving her and shit as she opens the door to get out. He's screaming at the top of his lungs at her, and as SOON as she steps down out of the truck, he peels off. Right over her foot. She fell down in the street clutching her foot. Screaming and crying. Liyha and I of course go over to help her out. When we get close enough to see her face, we see that he had been beating on her pretty bad before he kicked her out. I asked Liyha what she wanted to do and she said to carry her to her apartment. So I picked her up and we walked back to Liyha's place. The whole time, this chick hasn't said a word. She's just crying. No protest to us helping her though, which I appreciate.

We get back to Liyha's place and I throw some ice in a ziploc bag for her for her bruises while Liyha goes to call the police. That's when the woman swung into action.

"NO POLICE!! DON'T CALL THE FUCKING POLICE!! PLEASE!!"

We look at her like she's crazy, but we agree to hold off on the police until she calms down some. I give her the ice pack and start trying to calm her down. I refrain from asking her what happened because it ain't my business. Liyha apparently thought the same thing. While I helped her with her bruises and what not, Liyha eased her shoe off to get a look at her foot. It looked like it was swelling a little, but it didn't seem so bad. She didn't even pay much attention to her foot after I picked her up to carry her. After she settled down a little bit, I asked her why we couldn't call the police. She told us that the man that dropped her off would kill her (generic answer). So we go into all the protective custody stuff yada yada yada, but she didn't want any parts of it. So after all that, the question of what she needed us to do came up. Of course she didn't want us to drive her home to that maniac. I asked if she had any family around here, but she didn't.

A couple times, she tried to leave on her own, but I didn't think that was such a good idea. And while we were sitting there quietly one time, she just jumped up and hauled ass for the door. I felt like Sam in Black Snake Moan ;_; . She had moved quickly and got to the door before we could even react (Liyha was half sleep and my mind was wandering).

And fell right in front of it. Unconscious. 

Liyha calls an ambulance and they show up quickly enough. They get this woman on a stretcher and Liyha rides in the ambulance with her. The plan is for her to call me with the room number and such when they get there. I bring the car so we can all get home after we make sure this lady is ok. While i'm riding over there, I see a missed call from my girl. I tell her what happened (leaving the whole 'Liyha' detail out...;_; ) and she tells me to keep her posted on the lady's condition. The doctor's checked her out and everything and tell us that she had a concussion and she would have to stay with them for a while. Since we didn't know anybody that could come out here and take her home or whatever we decided to stay with her. When we were allowed to, we went in to speak with her. I finally gave in and asked what all this was about.

Apparently, she had been unfaithful to her boyfriend (the guy in the truck). She had been fuckin some dude that lived in the same apartment complex Liyha lives in. Which is why he dropped her off right there. He threatened to kill her a few times too. The only person she could call was one of her girlfriends to come and get her to a safe place or whatever. I called for her and had the girl come out to the hospital. We explained the details to the chick when she got there and we left. The victim (her name is Clarissa), cried and thanked us before we left. I sternly told her to not go back to this guy. I said that if she did, she deserved any further harm he brought on her. She said she wouldn't. I hope she wasn't bullshittin me. For her sake. 



04-11-2007, 08:51 PM 
The Worst Kind of Deception. 

So yeah, Sherod reminded me of my second run-in with Tina. I have some kind of selective memory shit going on where I shut out the really traumatizing shit that happens to me somtimes. This shit was traumatizing as hell. Here goes.

So when I was still an amatuer as far as posting stories in here, I posted a fucked up story about getting so drunk that I invited too many girls over to fuck. Like I said, 1 girl just cut me off. Another threatened my life, THEN cut me off. And the one I ended up fucking that night got cut off by me. Well, the one that just cut me off was Tina. I met her at the mall where she worked at Dillard's (still does). I was about to go see Idlewild ( a good movie I don't care what anyone says) and my friends had bailed out on me. I needed someone to go with so after talking to her for a while, I asked her out. She said yes so she gave me her number and directions and told me to call when she got off that night at 9.

She looked great. Chocolate complexion, ass was QUALITY, slim waist, long hair, very pretty eyes (they were brown, but REALLY dark brown...very unique and I liked them). She had a nice rack too. Only thing was she wore braces. That's a minor thing because I wore them at one time myself. When I picked her up, she had on some very tight jeans and a t-shirt. No bra, but she didn't need one. The tits were very perky. So we get to the movie and take our seats. At this point, i'm not paying her any attention because i'm the biggest Outkast fan known to man and i'm into this movie. So she grabs my hand to get my attention I guess. Normally I don't hold hands (unless it's my fiance), but I couldn't risk her talking and ruining my movie so I hold hands with her. 

After the movie ends, I stop by Krystal and get us some food. We go back to her place and talk and get to know each other and shit. She's 21 and divorced. She left her husband because he'd become strung out on dope and attacked her with a knife. She'd been through some shit so she was very mature. I couldn't believe she was 21 from the way she spoke. Anyway, I had to be to work the next day so I wouldn't attempt getting the TWAT! right then. She walked me out to the car and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. The next day, she called me from her job talking about going bowling. We went of course and came back to her place. She gave me head that night.

Red flag number 1: When a girl is giving me the jaws, I like to play with their hair. It's just something I do. Running my fingers through it and shit. When I tried this with Tina, she immediately stopped me. She grabbed my wrist and put it back at my side and restrained me while she gave me head. Hmm...strange. But fuck it.

The next time, we met at the mall while she was on break from her job. We sat down and ate at Ruby Tuesday her treat. I got there and got our table before she came in. When she got there...she looked a little bigger in the waist area.

Red flag number 2: I distinctly remember her waist being smaller than that. I remember putting my hands there while we were standing at her car talking after we had gone bowling. You can't just magically get wide like that after 2 days. And i'm talking a significant size difference. Immediately noticeable. I fucked her on the couch once, but it was spur of the moment. She never took her shirt off. At the time, I didn't really care. Hmm...strange. But fuck it.

Now, after being acquaintances for a while, she ended up in my driveway at the same time Connie was. Oops. Refer to the Labor Day story for the details on that one. She cut me off after that and I was pretty sure I had fucked that one up. To my suprise though, she called me one night when I was at first friday (if I never explained first friday, the first friday of every month, you can legally walk around in downtown Macon and drink alcohol on the street and mingle and shit. I was there with Sherod and we both were drunk. She called me making small talk and shit like she forgot all about the Labor Day shit. I still saw fit to apologize though. 

She ended up inviting me over when I came from first friday. I went and she immediately started kissing on me when I got in the door. She was ready to head to the bedroom, but I had to piss first. She went in her room to wait on me. While in the bathroom, I went to wash my hands after I pissed. I noticed she had no soap sitting on the sink so I looked in the cabinet under the sink to see if she had more. *gasp*

Red flag number 3: Soon as I opened the cabinet I saw a wig. Shivering and scared to death. It was the way her hair looked before I fucked up on Labor Day. DAMN SHE'S BALD-HEADED. Now weave, I can deal with, but what does it say when a woman wears a wig?

"I don't have enough hair to tie weave on to. So I gotta rock wigs...my real hair has a sunroof in it."

Well damn...fuck it i'm drunk.

I walk out of the bathroom into her bedroom and see her taking off...*gasp*

Red flag number 4: She was taking her girdle off. WHAT 21 YEAR OLD WEARS A GIRDLE??? WHERE DO YOU EVEN BUY THAT?!

"I can't put down the Ben & Jerry's long enough to do a sit-up, but I don't wanna look fat. So instead of taking better care of myself, i'm gonna go spend money on a girdle so I don't LOOK fat anymore. NEVERMIND THE FACT THAT I STILL LOOK LIKE STAY-PUFF FROM GHOSTBUSTERS!"

I'm drunk still. And hey, i'm here. So she sits on the bed grinning with her glistening braces. I walk over and pull my joint out. She starts blowin me and out of habit, I go for the hair again.

Oops...it ain't hers. Nevermind. 

As she's sucking though, her "hair" is getting in her face. I politely move the horse hair out of the way so she can see what she's doing. She tries to grab my hand and stop me again. Too late. LAWDY LAWD.

Red flag number 5: Damn! This girl has a long ass line of RAZOR-BUMPS on the side of her face. SHE SHAVES TOO?! ARE YOU KIDDING?! Am I getting head from RuPaul now???

That's it. Before she ends up with more flags than the amusement park, I just leave. I can't deal with that Shang Tsung shit. Bitch probably sleeps in a cocoon. Needless to say, I cut HER off after that shit. 


04-15-2007, 07:36 AM 
Chapter 1: As the Sun Sets...

So like I said, Michelle hit me up the other day out of nowhere wanting to come over. I happened to be up at that time because I had just got off work at 7am. I was tired as fuck, but she said she just wanted to stop through because she hadn't seen me in a while. Reason being, I laughed her out of my house after she flew over my coffee table and she never gave me a chance to apologize. She also didn't let me apologize for jizzing in her mouth on accident. I guess months and months later, she cooled down about that though. So I said "come on over". While waiting on her to get here, I surfed the internet and such to keep myself busy (and awake). Not long after I posted the comment about her being on her way in this thread, I hear the doorbell ring.

When I get to the door and crack it open, she busts in (hitting me with the fucking door) and jumps in my arms to give me a hug. Sometimes, I miss fucking her, but I DON'T miss her doing stupid shit. And she literally came into my house doing stupid shit. I was tired as hell from work and she damn near knocked me over when she did that. Since she had came all the way over there, I wasn't gonna curse her out (yet). I noticed she was on the way to work and had her clothes in a garment bag just like the old days...

OH SHIT! THE OLD DAYS!

Since my girl is back, I have no excuse for tasting forbidden fruits anymore. I hoped that she just came to chat, change clothes, and haul ass so I wouldn't have to disappoint her. Although she couldn't be looking for that right? She knows i've got my girl and she's got her...

Nipples pierced?

She flashed me not long after bulldogging me in the doorway and asks me how I like them. Now, I hate nipple piercings. Call me old fashioned, but navel piercing is where I draw the line. A pierced navel is hot, but the rest of that shit you can keep it. I lie to her and say they look cool though. Then invite her to have a seat. We chat about this and that, what's been going on since that fateful day she stormed out of my place pissed at me. Turns out she dropped out of Med school because she "couldn't keep up". Not to be mean, but I saw that coming (this is the person that said a girl was mixed between white and caucasian and orders cheeseburgers without cheese after all). Then we get to the relationship thing.

Michelle: So how's Mrs. Stuckey?

Me: She's good. Just got back from California a couple weeks ago. How's Richard?

Michelle: He's fine. Running around like a chicken with his head cut off for the wedding.

Me: Oh yeah. Where's my invitation?

She pulls my invitation out of her purse and hands it to me. As i'm looking at it, I can see out the corner of my eye that the expression on her face says she doesn't want to go through with it. Cold feet or whatever. I don't mention it though because she'll probably just say something stupid. May 14th is the big day. I finish reading the invitation and we get back into our chat.

Me: So you on your way to work?

Michelle: Yeah. I figured you wouldn't mind me changing here.

Me: Oh, that's no problem. When do you have to be there?

Michelle: 11.

She got there a little after 8. Damn, how much "catching up" was she planning on doing? 3 fuckin hours worth? Oh well. I offered to cook breakfast and she accepted. We move our conversation to the kitchen. She brings up the "incident".

Michelle: You remember how you had me coming over here every morning?

Me: How could I forget?

Michelle: And you nutted in my mouth and I got pissed off and fell in the living room?

Me: *snickering* yes?

Michelle: Why didn't you call me after that?

Me: You were so pissed with me I figured why bother. I thought it'd be better to let you cool down then call me.

Michelle: I don't know why I got so mad. It's not like it was poison or anything.

Me: I know right?

Michelle: Hell, if you're into that kinda thing, I don't mind it...

Me: Ye-- WAITWAITWAITWAIT! If that's what you came here for I can't do that shit.

She gets up and walks over to the stove where i'm standing.

Michelle: Boy please. XD I don't think "can't" is the word you should be using. We could do something like we used to and nobody would know shit about it.

Me: That may be, but I WON'T be doing that shit. I don't fuck around like that anymore.

Michelle: XDDD Yes you do. You fucked Shannon AND Sunday.

Wtf?? How does she know Sunday? Well, I can't argue with her. I did fuck the both of them at the club last month.

Me: I ain't even gonna ask where you heard that from. And besides, my girl wasn't back in town at that time. Now I REALLY don't fuck around anymore.

Michelle: Whatever.

She goes and sits back down. I won that round it seems...barely. I finish making us breakfast and we sit and bullshit around some more. She invites me to a party she's having later that night. It couldn't be a bachlorette party or anything like that because she was inviting me. As long as it wasn't any bullshit, I said i'd show up. On her way out the door, she told me that Shannon (aka Raindrop) would be there...Sunday too. Aww fiddlesticks. 

Chapter 2: And the night falls...

So after she leaves for work, I get my tired ass in the bed to get some sleep. After I wake up, I run out to the mall for some shit to wear. While i'm out and about, I call Sherod to see if he wants to go to this party. He can't because he's leaving for New Orleans early the next morning. I call Alex, but of course his crazy ass fiance won't let him out. Marcus will go any fuckin where so I call and ask him...but even HE has some shit to do and can't make it. Well damn...looks like it'll be a short stay at this party for me. I leave the mall, come home, and go back to sleep until my girl gets off of work. I'm hoping she'll give me the opportunity to bail out of going to this shit, but she made plans to go out with some of her girlfriends.

So when the time comes to go to the party, i'm going by myself. I don't plan on staying because as far as I know, I could be 1 of only a handful of guys there. Normally, this would be a good thing, but when you're trying to do right, and there's 3 or more girls in the same place all at once that you've fucked, it gets awkward. So I get to the pool hall where this party is. And Michelle greets me at the door. I do a quick scan of the pool hall and like I suspected, there ain't many people I know in there and a 5:1 ratio of girls to guys. After looking around, I warned Michelle that I wouldn't be staying long. She handed me a beer and I went on to check the place out. It isn't long before I run into Shannon.

Shannon: Mr. Jonathan! What's up?

Me: Please call me Stuckey. How are you?

Shannon: Doing fine, Mr. Stuckey. You took advantage of us then stopped coming to the club haven't you?

Me: No it's not like that. I still got Sunday's number. If I decide to have a bachelor party, you two will be the first I call.

Shannon: I'd like that, Mr. Stuckey.

Me: What's up with the "Mr." stuff? Did I put it on you like THAT?

Shannon:...XD You know what you're doing, i'll give you that. It's a shame you got snatched up. Not that that's stopped you before...

Me: ;_; Yeah, I know. So, how do you know Michelle?

Shannon: That's my cousin.

Dammit...small world.

Me: So she knows Sunday through you?

Shannon: Yeah.

Me: And it was you that told her about what happened?

Shannon: Yeah. Am I in trouble?

Me: No no. You're ok. It didn't get ME in any trouble so you're good.

Shannon: That's good, Mr. Stuckey.

After a while, I asked Shannon to shoot some pool with me. My plan was to get the hell on after I kicked her ass. As we were playing, Sunday came in. She and Michelle walked over to the table that Shannon and myself were at.

Sunday: Mr. Stuckey!

Me: Damn. You too? How you doin Ms. Sunday?

Sunday: I'm good. You?

Me: No complaints. I'm here on short notice. It's a shame I can't stay long.

Michelle leans over and whispers some shit to Sunday. I'm pretty sure it was about my 'shortcomings' with being faithful. They laugh among themselves in a "nigga we could have you if we wanted you" kind of way. I ignore it and get back to my game. Michelle and Sunday take a seat near our table with some beers and watch us play. For some reason, i'm sucking ass at pool and Shannon is picking me off one ball at a time. During the game, a couple of guys come over and speak to Sunday. I don't pay attention to what they say until one of the guys calls her a bitch.

Sunday: Excuse me?

Guy 1: Bitch, you heard me!

She turns and looks the other way trying to ignore the guy, but the other guy that's with him stands on the other side of her. I guess the guy was just trying to get her number and was too drunk to take his diss like a man. I looked around the pool hall and saw mostly women running it. It's a long way to the door where the bouncers are at. So there was nothing else to think about. I had to get on some vigilante shit.

Me: Man, it's plenty of girls in here. Don't trip over that one.

Guy 1: Man fuck dat shit! She disrespected me, homeboy!

Me: You said what you had to say though, so just chill.

Guy 2: Who you 'sposed to be? Captain Save-a-ho?

Me: Yeah.

And with that, I punched the shit out of him. Ugly bastard should've minded his own business. I was smoothing things out with Guy 1 and he seemed like he was calming down. Oh well, I guess he ain't calm no more. Wait a minute...

Guy 1 just stands there and laughs at Guy 2. I figured they were friends and he'd help the nigga out, but he didn't. Well, I guess he did in a way because after he started laughing, Guy 2 got even more pissed...and pulled a gun out. How the fuck did he get in with that shit??? They patted me down at the fuckin door! Of course hitting him again would be a bad idea so I just stand there.

Guy 2: THE FUCK'S WRONG WIT YOU HOMEBOY?? FUCK THAT THROWIN HANDS SHIT! I'LL FUC--

Michelle clocked him in the back of the head with her beer bottle. Now hitting him again is a good idea. I lit him up again and went for his gun (while Guy 1 stood there still laughing...he had to be drunk out of his mind), somebody had already noticed us and had the bouncers coming in to get us. I noticed before he did and hauled ass out of the club. No way in hell i'm gettin arrested. I showed myself the door and called Michelle once I was outside in my car. As the phone was dialing I heard Guy 2's gun go off inside. I contemplated going back in to make sure none of my friends got hurt, but as I sat there thinking about it, I saw them come out together. I swung my car around so Michelle, Shannon, and Sunday could get inside. Michelle tells me no one got shot and the bouncers were wrestling the gun away from Guy 2. We went ahead and left in my car because I basically was the one that started the shit (the physical aspect of it anyway). We stopped at Waffle House and ate, then I took them back to their cars after the scene had cooled down.

AND I DIDN'T FUCK THEM! 



04-19-2007, 08:23 PM 
Not Yet. Keep Looking.

Around the end of last year, I met this girl named Germanee. She works with Sherod's wife and has been looking for a man since i've known her. She's kinda cute I guess. The few times i've seen her, i've been caught staring at her tits. The things are HUGE. Face is decent as is the rest. But just decent. Anyway, she's been bugging Sherod and I to find her a man. To the point where it's overwhelmingly annoying. So we've been doing what we can. We've tried to hook her up with a few guys and it fell flat everytime. The thing is, these are good, kind-hearted dudes we've been putting on her. They hadn't wronged her in any way, never disrespected her, and came away from meeting her seeming really interested in taking things further.

So after a while, we said fuck it and gave up. Hell, she's too picky. And she didn't go out with any of these cats more than once and they all ended up pissed at Sherod and I for wasting their time with that "crazy chick". However, she continues to press us through myspace and phone calls about "getting on our job" and finding her a man. Little did we know, that she too, has been on her own "job" as of late. She met some dude in Atlanta named Terry. Sherod and I are thinking "good! finally! she can get off our case now!" She met him on one of the online dating sites. eHarmony or whatever else they got out now. Anyway, she tells Sherod's wife that she likes this guy a lot and things are going well. We're as happy as can be for her...but then Terry comes to Macon to meet Germanee face to face.

So he comes through, picks her up, and they go out for a night on the town. Things seem to be going like they should. I still wonder why things never went this well with the dudes we sent her out with. Anyway, when their evening came to a close, she gave up the pussy. First date. Damn. Oh well, at least she really likes him and he seems to like her. I don't wanna be negative and say she sealed her fate by fucking the guy on their first physical encounter so I keep my mouth shut. So he goes back to Atlanta after this...and doesn't return her phone calls, e-mails, or IMs. Looks like I was right. Happens all the time. "You don't give up the TWAT! until you know the nigga is in it to be with you!", I tell her. She tells me that things will work out with this guy. She's just gonna give it time.

She was half right.

After some time, he did start writing her back and answering her calls. But when he did, he wasn't very charming anymore. He'd call her "stupid", "fat bitch" and other unpleasantries. Yet she still called him. Still e-mailed him. A lot. Still thinking that the guy would come around eventually.

She was half right.

He started being nice to her again out of the blue. He'd tell her how sorry he was about talking to her that way and he didn't mean to hurt her. He was having troubles back home and he took them out on her and he'd never do it again. All the things this gullible broad wanted to hear. Not long after that, Terry was back in Macon. And again, he and Germanee went out. And again, she fucked him that same day.

And again. He stopped returning calls. Stopped returning e-mails. Stopped returning IMs. Sherod bet me that he'd do the same thing AGAIN. I got faith that she ain't THAT stupid, so I took him up on it. 50 bucks. I mean, the shit's gotta end somewhere right?

About an hour ago, I left Sherod's house with 50 dollars less than I came with. And she's calling us to hook her up again. Any of yall in the area wanna fuck this dumb trollop and treat her like shit? She'll sure as hell let ya. 


04-25-2007, 12:35 AM 
Back to My Roots/ Fantasies Are Expensive.

Alright. Last week 2 very interesting things happened to me. Firstly, the movie Smokin Aces came out on DVD/HD DVD. Now you can look at my avatar and tell just how I feel about that movie and the "talent" included in it. Ever since the TJ Maxx days when she first came on the scene, i've had a raging, menacing boner for Alicia Keys. I mean seriously...in my mind, this is the sexiest woman EVER (aside from my fiance' ^_^ ). She doesn't make stupid music. She's GORGEOUS, and she doesn't let hollywood define who she is or how she looks. Sure Beyonce is hot, very hot actually, but consider how much time and work she puts into having a body like that. Now if you look at Alicia, you don't see that. She's built like a sista. One from around here at that. She ain't slim and super-modely and in a way that's what makes me so HOT when I think about her.

My girl and I have had this understanding for a long time. She knows that I have a thing for Alicia Keys that is not to be taken lightly. She has the hots for a certain celeb as well, but that ain't important ^^; . We understand this and we accept it. And when I bought Smokin Aces on DVD, she understood that we'd have to watch it THAT NIGHT. And that i'd have a boner for someone else ...XD. So anyway, I pick it up and we indeed watched it the same night. Now, if you've seen the movie, you're familiar with the type of character Ms. Keys plays in the film. A contract killer. And in this movie, she dresses like a prostitute to get close to her target and handle her business. During the scene where she's getting in costume, I express to my girl that it'd be pretty hot if she put on a get-up like that. Sort of a role-playing thing. She of course thought it was silly, but didn't necessarily object to it. Eventually, she even said she would do it. On one condition.

http://www.pradaphonebylg.com/

She wanted this phone right here. It's the original "all touch screen" phone. Although I think the iphone is gonna turn out better (i'll be waiting on that one myself), she wanted this one. Because it's out now, it says Prada on it (a brand that she wears religiously), and she knows I won't refuse her. And I don't. I search some online retailers and find her phone unlocked...for $1050. ;_; Pricey as hell considering the iphone will do more shit and will only be $600. Like I said though, she knows I won't refuse her. I told her and her parents when I proposed to her that i'd give her the world or die trying. And I meant it! I added it to the online cart, paid, yada yada yada. She just got it in the mail today, but after I ordered it, I printed the receipt and gave it to her as proof that I granted her wish. And I reminded her of my own wish.

So that was Wednesday when I bought this phone for her (only a day after she asked for it). Of course she was giddy about it and couldn't wait for it to show up. She agreed that she would hold her end of the bargain. Boy did she ever. Friday, after picking Marcus up from workand taking him home, I came back to my house to find my girl's car parked in the driveway. I go into the front door, through the dining room, through the kitchen, and down the hall to my room. The door to the guest room was shut, but it normally is anyway. When I walk past it, I hear it open. I hear a female voice bark at me. "DON'T MOVE! Put your hands where I can see them." And you know what? I got a boner right then and there. I didn't move and put my hands where she could see them (of course I moved my hands...work with me here it's 4 in the morning). She walked up on me and jammed her knuckle into the small of my back...mimicking a gun. She then put a blindfold over my eyes and turned me around in the hallway. I started to laugh, but she threw me into the wall and told me to shut up.

This is Andrea, ain't it?

Wtf, Stuckey. Of course it is. Her car was outside and I know her voice from anywhere, even though i've never heard her yell like that. She leads me outside and makes me get in the passenger seat of the car. She tells me not to say a WORD. And I don't. The car pulls off and we ride for about 20 minutes in absolute silence. When the car stops, she tells me not to move as she comes around to the passenger side to let me out. She leads me up a flight of steps and we walk for a bit. Wherever we are, it's very, very, quiet. We walk down a small flight of stairs. When a door opens up and she leads me through it, I hear it shut behind me and she removes the blindfold. I'm inside the room that you saw in the picture I posted yesterday. And aside from a few changes, it's very familiar. Which brings me to the backstory portion of the story. I never told yall the story about losing my virginity have I? I never posted it because it isn't too crazy...and kind of embarrassing. Check it out.

Not long before Marco fapped in my shower, I lost my virginity at school one day. I'd had detention and my girl knew that that was where i'd be. Up to this point, I had gone down on her once or twice, but for fear of it hurting, she wouldn't let me circle the bases just yet. After a long phone conversation the night before, she agreed that it was time. Anyway, as I was sitting in detention, getting ready to walk to my grandmother's house when it was over, a car pulls up. It wasn't familiar to me, but I noticed Andrea sitting in the passenger side. Interesting. You see, the A building at my school didn't have a/c, so there were windows along a whole wall of each of the classrooms. The classroom I was in was facing the carpool area. That's how I noticed her. She saw me sitting in there looking miserable and waved at me. When detention let out, my girl got out of the car. I was guessing she had got a friend of hers to give me a lift home, but when she got out of the car, it pulled off. Wtf?

So I go out to meet her outside and before I could ask her what she was doing there and where her friend went, she wrapped her arms around me and we started kissing. With a terrified look in her eyes (damn, she was a scaredy-cat), she asked me if I knew of a place we could go in the building. I didn't know of one we could go into there, but I knew we could go up to my old middle school. You see, right after we got out of junior high, the school building we used closed down. They planned to demolish it and put something else there, but they hadn't done it yet. They were using it for GED classes during the week. I told her that we could walk right up the street to it and see if it was unlocked by any chance, and if it was, I knew of a spot. We held hands and walked up to the middle school. Wasn't far at all, you could stand outside of my high school and see it. So we got there and luckily found and unlocked door. We went inside and into a room at the bottom of a stairwell. The janitors used it. But since the janitors were gone, the brooms and shit weren't there anymore. We didn't feel too good about laying on the concrete floor and neither of us had a blanket or anything. So i'd have to hold her and we'd do it up against the wall. Of course it hurt her like hell, but lucky for her I didn't last long at all ;_; 

See? Not all that interesting is it? Back to the present:

This room that I was standing in when the blindfold was removed, was the exact same room my girl and I lost our purity in 10 years ago. I couldn't help but grin at how far she was going with the role playing thing. She put a lot of thought into this. But I didn't know just how much until I turned around to face her. HOLY SHIT. She was done up like Alicia Keys from Smokin Aces, minus the weird fur thing she wore in the movie. She had the wig and everything. Fishnets, hooker boots, the whole 9. I popped the boner of my lifetime. I immediately went at her and was immediately stopped in my tracks. 

This was my fantasy, but I wasn't in control. You don't just go up and start groping contract killers and shit. Anyway, I did what I was told and dropped my pants. She disrobed and led me over to the wall where we did it at the first time, and we did it the exact same way. I made SURE I lasted much much longer (hell, this cost me a thousand damn dollars). And she wasn't wincing in pain this time either. We came at the same time so I feel as though I got my money's worth. She straight up refused to let me take a picture of her in the outfit. She says that it's something i'll always remember anyway and I can't argue with that. I did take a picture of the computer in the room for whatever reason. I know they still do GED classes in that building, but I have no idea what the computer and shit is for. 



04-29-2007, 08:07 PM 
I Think Jermaine Has Finally Lost His Mind.

So i'm laying in the bed yesterday waiting on the NFL Draft to come on. I get a call from my boy Marcus at his job. He wants me to come pick him up at 2 o' clock and there's also something else he needs me to see...Courtney. He tells me she's a new hire out there and she has a striking resemblance to a certain celebrity that gets me quite HOT!. If you have trouble figuring out who that celebrity is, check my last story. I was half asleep when he called, but when he told me this it woke me up pretty quick. Although I would've looked out for the guy and came to pick him up anyway (it was hot as hell yesterday and I couldn't have him walkin home and shit), I hurried and got cleaned up and dressed so I could go out here and see this Courtney girl. I got out to the store around 1. When I walked in, I saw Marcus straight ahead of me walking to the front of the store, I look over to my right where the registers are and...oh my god. Courtney is one of the most beautiful females i've ever seen in my entire life.

Besides noticing how great she looked though, I noticed something else about her. She was staring straight back at me. Not as if she was falling head over heels for me or anything, it was kind of a blank stare. It kinda made me uncomfortable so I went further into the store to chat with Marcus. The first thing he asked was what I thought about Courtney.

Marcus: So what do you think sir?

Me: Yeah...she gets me hot.

Marcus: XD Told you man. I got another hour before I clock out though. I did tell you 2 right?

Me: Nigga I had to see this woman!

Marcus: For a whole hour?

Me: Exactly. Do your thing. I'll be waiting up in the front.

I walked back up to the front of the store where they had tv screens over the registers showing the draft. I couldn't believe nobody took Brady Quinn yet. As I was watching with disgust at the sucky draft picks, I hear someone walk up beside me. They noticed I wasn't too pleased with what I was watching on television.

Girl: Did your team miss Brady Quinn?

Me: Nope...he hasn't even been pi--

It was Courtney. She was just as gorgeous up close as she was from 20 feet away.

Me: I'm sorry. He hasn't been picked yet.

Courtney: *looking up at the screen* So why are you looking so upset?

Me: The Browns didn't take him when they had the chance. (not knowing then that they'd still end up getting him).

Courtney: Well, if he hasn't gone by now, he'll probably get picked later on. Cleveland might get another chance at him.

Me: Yeah?

Courtney: If you like the Browns, you'd better hope so ...XD

Me: True. So you're into sports?

Courtney: I don't care for hockey and baseball, but I watch the other sports when I have the time.

Me: Cool. *looks at her name tag like I didn't already know who she was* Ms. Courtney, it's nice to meet you. I'm Stuckey.

Courtney: Stuckey? Is that really your name?

Me: Yeah. My last name. It's what I go by.

Courtney: *shaking my hand* cool. So what brings you here today?

Me: I came to pick Marcus up from work.

Courtney: Oh ok. You're kinda early aren't you?

Me: Yep. *looks around* You guys aren't too busy...you could keep me company if you'd like.

Courtney: Yeah, that sounds good.

So we leaned against the check-out counter talking and watching the draft until Marcus came up to clock out and leave. Courtney wrote her number down for me on our way out. It's a shame I probably won't use it...she's so hot too. ;_; As Marcus and I leave, he tells me that he hates me for bagging her (jokingly). I tell him that I'm no longer in the business of fuckin around on my old lady and i'll probably never call her. He reminds me that i'll have to answer to it when I come to pick him up and she's around. Damn...well, a call here and there won't hurt anything. We can talk about sports. Right? O_o 

From there, we head over to the mall. I express that I want to go somewhere later on that evening but I had no idea where. I would need something to wear. We got to the mall and went in Dillard's where I purchased an outfit to wear and we walked around to a few more places. After we left the mall, we hit Chick fil-A where Marcus out of the blue decides to call Jermaine. And that's when we figured out where we were going and such. 

The line was long as fuck at Chick fil-A (it usually is). We were behind at least 8 cars. While sitting there Marcus up and decided to hit Jermaine up and put him on speakerphone so we can laugh at him. The conversation went sort of like this.

Jermaine: Hello?

Marcus: What's up Jermaine? This is Marcus.

Jermaine: Oh what's up Marc, man? How you been?

Marcus: I'm straight. What's been up with you?

Jermaine: Nothin man. Chillin man. You wanna go to -sations?

I laughed hard as hell. 1, because he called the place "sations" (the name of the place is SINsations). 2, because of the manner in which he asked. It was kinda like Towelly from South Park asking "you wanna get high?" Jermaine heard me laughing in the background and asked Marcus who it was. Marcus told him it was me and Jermaine says "Oh, that's betta den! We can all go!" Then he goes into what happened last time we went (a story yall are familiar with). While we're moving along in the drive thru, Jermaine is strolling down memory lane and saying some outright crazy shit.

"You know, it's some fine 200-pound gulz."

"But yeah, we can go to -insations and den, I got a gul name Monyae dat got some friends dat we can get up wit."

"...da only problem is she 27 wit 6 kids!"

You know, shit like that. It's normal for Jermaine. Anyway, we finally get to order and get our food and stuff. Marcus hangs up with Jermaine and I get him to call Larry. We know it's a long shot trying to get Larry out of the house, but after I told him what happened to me last time in that club, he said he wanted to check it out. So we call him and tell him we're on the way over. We get there and sit down to eat and propose the idea of going out with Jermaine. He seems pretty interested in going and laughing at Jermaine and seeing some scattered ass. The thing is, it's still early in the day though. So that gives him plenty of time to re-nig on us...fuckin homebody. So we sit there and watch the latter half of Casino Royale and then he puts in Deja Vu, which I had never seen before. If yall can recall, before I had the Alicia Keys avatar, I had a Paula Patton one. So you already know that this movie had me popping boners the size of Ohio. The movie was kinda meh over all though. After it was over, it was time to call Jermaine. He was ready to go so we left Larry's (he decided not to come after all because he was going to Atlanta to watch wrestling the next day) and went to pick him up. When we get there, he's sitting on his porch...with a haircut!

Oh shit. He didn't have the fucked up baby afro with lint and stuff in it anymore. He had on a bootleg t-shirt that he'd obviously bought from Saleem's Fish Dock(my my my...that's another set of stories i've gone and reminded myself of). Some blue jeans and the same black tennis shoes he's been wearing the entire 21st century. For Jermaine, that was CLEAN. He looked a lot nicer than he usually did. We'd find out why when he got in the car. He hopped in the backseat and we drove over to Marcus's place so he could change out of his work clothes and I could change into the new shit I bought. For a while, we talked about the Virginia Tech incident, how Marcus can get a car for a good price, yada yada. As we turned on Marcus's street, he brought up chat-line.

Now, i'm not familiar with chat-line. Until yesterday, I didn't know what the fuck it was. Marcus knew what it was and had used it before though. And Jermaine apparently lived by it. It's basically the equivalent of a chat-room over the phone. You call a local number, record a greeting, talk about yourself (and your friends if you're looking for a group date), then give a number where you can be reached and someone will call you back if they like what they hear from your message. There are 4 local lines for this and each one allows you to use the service free for the first hour. So Jermaine, being broke as usual, decided that he could find us some "gulz" in 4 hours. I ignored this and just figured that we'd go to Sinsations, stay there until it was time to go home, and call it a night.

We went on into Marcus's place and he gets a call from his brother, Baron (I envy this guy's name. It's awesome). Marcus tells him that we're going out with Jermaine.

Baron: THE Jermaine? The one yall always talk about? (He hadn't met Jermaine yet).

Marcus: Yep. That's the one.

Baron: I HAVE to see this.

So he said he'd meet us out at the club. Marcus changed in his room while I changed in the guest room. I gave Jermaine my cell phone so he could do his chat-line shit (still thinking I wasn't going through with that shit). By the time we get dressed, Jermaine says he has nothing lined up yet. So we get into the car and go by the bank, then to the club. When we get there, Jermaine hasn't found anybody still. He wants to sit out in my car and finish up (they don't allow cell phones in the club anymore, some idiot got caught takin pictures of the girls). I pay our way in (Baron hadn't made it yet) and we rack up the balls to shoot some pool. It was early still so the place was still kinda dead. It would be until Jermaine finally found some girls...that wanted to come to Sinsations to meet us. 

So Jermaine peeks inside of the club and has the bouncer come get me. The search the club for a man with white pants and a green and blue striped polo shirt. They find me and ask me to come with them. When I ask them what the hell for, they tell me "some dude is at the door that says you were supposed to pay his way in". DAMN. Now this is something I seriously don't like about Jermaine. How is it you're 33 years old and you never have money??? Not only that, but he's the one that suggested we go to this fuckin club in the first place!!! So I go on up to the door and pay for him to get in and go back to shooting pool. Jermaine comes in looking very excited.

Jermaine: Stuckey man. I got us some! IGOTUSSOME-HAHAHAHA!

Me: Some what?

Jermaine: Some gulz. Dey say dey on the way here now.

Me: To the strip club??

Jermaine: Yep.

Me: Why would they want to come here? Are they THAT fine that they don't fear the competition?

Jermaine: I hope dey are, Stuckey man.

Whatever, I go back to my game and Baron comes in not too long afterwards. He goes back to the area where the stage is. As i'm trying to sink the 8-ball and kick Marcus's ass for the 4th straight time, Jermaine starts aggrevating me to come outside to call the "gulz" and make sure they know how to get here. He made me scratch on the damn 8-ball so I go outside to call whoever "CeCe" is. I call her and she sounds pretty good. But Sandy "sounded" pretty good too (yall remember THAT one right? ;_; ). They say they're coming from Warner Robins and that they knew exactly how to get to Sinsations. Out of curiosity I just have to ask why they'd come meet some strangers at a strip club of all places. CeCe tells me that she likes girls as well as guys. Her friends didn't feel the same way, they wanted to meet us and us only, but CeCe was driving so they had no say in the matter. I wrap the conversation up and go back inside. It's starting to pick up a bit, so I make my way to the bar to do what I do best...get slap drunk.

Several Red Stripes later, I walk back to the stage area and grab a table. I immediately noticed Sunday giving someone a private lapdance. When she looked over my way, I waved at her. She came right over to me when she finished.

Sunday: *hugging me with her tits in my face* MR. STUCKEYYYYYY!

Me: How are you Ms. Sunday?

Sunday: I'm good. Who you here with?

Me: Same guys from last time. Is Shannon here tonight?

Sunday: *frowns* No. Not tonight. I'm gonna get back to work though ok? Don't worry, i'll save one for you ^_^ 

Me: Heh. Much appreciated.

She walks off as I watch her ass bounce. I reassure myself that I will never fuck her again. Keeping the faith ftw dammit. A few other dancers come out of the back to work the floor, asking guys if they want dances and stuff. Someone from the opposite direction approached me and asked me did I want one. I turned around and was caught off guard. This chick calls herself "Miracle". She didn't even wait for me to say yes or no. She grabbed my hands and moved them out of my lap so she could do her thing. I caught wood. When she finished, I paid what was owed and she told me she was going up on stage next. I told her i'd come up there when it was her turn. Then I went back out to the pool area to tell the other guys they HAD to see Miracle on stage. They all came back and watched the show. Suprisingly, Jermaine didn't seem too interested. When I asked him why, he tells me that he's waiting on the chat-line girls to get here. I remind him that I didn't pay his way in to get in here and then act like he didn't wanna be there. After all this was his idea.

Jermaine: My bad, Stuckey man. My bad.

After a few more drinks, and dances, and flirting with Miracle (which Sunday appeared not to appreciate too much when she saw it), the chat-line girls showed up. I knew it was them because there weren't any other fully-clothed broads in the entire place. Now the night seemed pretty normal up until this point right? Kind of a boring read? Seeing as this is a Crazy Story Thread and all? And after all, i'm Stuc! The story's supposed to be fucked up ain't it?

Thanks for bearing with me so far. Because this is where shit stops being normal. 

The 3 girls were CeCe, Tasha, and Felicia.

CeCe - Had no hair. Her Black Caesar (haircut) looked better than mine. She was chunky and had gold teeth. I was NOT getting stuck with this one.

Tasha - Looked kinda young, but not bad. Had a sort of "hoodrat" demeanor to her though.

Felicia - I knew her from high school. She got married to some cat soon as we graduated. Guess that didn't work out so well. I could see how she'd be attractive to some guys, but not me. I wasn't feelin her, but since I already knew her, that was the situation I felt most comfortable with. 

I told Marcus to pull Tasha. No problem. I'd take Felicia and Jermaine was stuck with big CeCe. That's what he gets for using that chat-line bullshit. If his ass was thinking, he wouldn't have told them what we were wearing. We could've avoided this whole situation if he wasn't so damn descriptive. Anyway, as Marcus was getting a dance from someone he went to school with and I was chatting Miracle up, the chat-line girls walk up to us. They each give their names and we give ours. CeCe asks which one of us is "Smooth"...that must've been Jermaine's chat-line name. I laughed out loud...so did Miracle. Ignoring the chat-line girls, I turned back to the side to talk to her. In the middle of my next sentance though, a guy walked over to her with money for a dance. She had work to do. SHIT. I was stuck with the busted chat-line bitches. They all take their seats. Tasha ends up sitting next to me and Marcus ended up with Felicia. We looked at each other and shrugged...oh well, none of them are anything to write home about.

As we're sitting at the table and Jermaine is running his mouth (NOW he's excited to be there...I could picture all 3 of these broads in one of Jermaine's pornos...it figures.) It's Sunday's turn to take the stage soon after. I turn my whole fuckin chair to watch her. Marcus focuses on the stage as well. Jermaine is spittin his game to CeCe while the other 2 girls look retarded. As expected, Sunday's show was the shit. Just like she did the last time, she walked over to my seat after she got down off stage. When she noticed the girls at the table, she gave me a very nasty look.

Me: What's the matter?

Sunday: Why didn't you come up to the stage? You came up there when Miracle was dancing.

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't wanna be rude to our guests.

Sunday: *Looking around the table, obviously thinking the girls are ugly (like myself).* Ok, i'll accept that. Are you ready for your dance now?

Me: Absolutely.

She takes my hand and leads me to one of the couches in the back. I thank her for getting me away from the table.

Sunday: Who are they? Why do yall have dates at the strip club?

Me: Wasn't my idea. It was Jermaine's.

Sunday: Who's that?

I pointed him out. He's sitting over at the table having the time of his life.

Sunday: Oh...they look kinda hurt don't they?

Me: Hell yeah. I couldn't even take offense if I was the laughing stock of this club right now.

Sunday: *smiles* Aww...well what i'm about to do to you is no laughing matter.

She starts giving the lapdance. If i'm not mistaken, the couches in the back are for the more intimate dances. Which is weird because the couches are in the back of the same room. Not isolated or anything. This didn't stop Sunday from giving me extremely special treatment. I thought to myself that she didn't want me to have a reason to fool with Miracle anymore. And she'd go to any length to make sure that happened...including giving head. That's right. Out in the open and everything. Uh...this shit ain't allowed is it?

I know, I know. Stuckey, that's cheating! No it ain't niggas. It's head. Come on now. Head don't count does it? Thought not. Anyway, she took my entire load into her mouth and swallowed it. Without saying a word to me, she stood up and walked away. Leaving my shit hanging out and everything. As I zipped myself up, and started to walk back to the table, I heard a commotion on the other side of the room. It was Sunday and Miracle. Sunday was kicking her ass pretty good too. Why do I get the feeling that this has something to do with me? Sunday knows i'm getting married. So why be jealous of Miracle of all people???

When the owner (not the bouncers) broke them up, and escorted them to the back, I saw what started the fight.

My jizz. Sunday hadn't swallowed it. She used it as ammo on Miracle. Oh lord.

And if that ain't fucked up enough, things got kinda weird at our table soon after. 

Marcus and Jermaine ask me what the commotion was all about. As i'm telling them what I just told you all, Baron walks up to the table. He'd been in his own little world all this time. Apparently, the girl that he was getting dances from was a co-worker of his by day. So of course his time with her didn't cost anything. He came over to get details about the fight. When he got to the table, I kinda noticed Tasha checking him out. This was good. This meant she didn't give two shits about me. So Baron pulls up a chair and I tell them what just happened. How I saw my jizz in Miracle's face and all. I would've rather it ended up there in a more conventional way ;_; . 

Anyway, we sit there attempting to enjoy the rest of the night. Jermaine is still chatting it up with CeCe and Marcus is drinking and trying his best to be social with Felicia, even though I know he'd rather not be hanging with the chat-line girls. Tasha starts talking to Baron, so I excuse myself and head over to where some strippers are resting/gossipping against a wall. I wanna know what's gonna happen to Sunday and Miracle after this incident. I approach the only white girl at this club (she calls herself Kool-aid XD) and ask her what the deal is.

Kool-Aid: Well, they won't get fired. I know that much.

Me: Really?

Kool-Aid: Yeah, this place is open every day of the week so they can't afford to lose dancers.

Me: That's cool.

Kool-Aid: ....hey. Was that your....?

Me: Jizz? Yeah, sadly.

Kool-Aid: XDDDDDD

Me: ^^;

Through that little exchange, I end up staying right there and talking to Ms. Kool-Aid to keep away from the table. As we're sitting there talking about random shit, I notice CeCe's big ugly ass giving Jermaine a dance. The strippers over in the corner i'm in point her out and start laughing their ass off. Jermaine is sitting there grinning and shit. Marcus and Baron, too, are laughing. CeCe had noticed Marcus and Baron, but didn't care that they were laughing. But for some reason when she looked over at the group of 4-5 strippers (6 including Kool-Aid, who was not laughing) laughing at her, she went off. She ran over to where they were and started swinging. She caught one tall girl with a school girl outfit on in the jaw so H0RD! The rest kinda scattered (a couple still laughing). I grab Kool-Aid's hand and get her away from the mayhem. The bouncers start running toward CeCe and the schoolgirl to break it up. Jermaine sees the bouncers and decides he wants to reason with them so they don't jack CeCe up. He runs over with them and tries to get around them to get to CeCe. The bouncer hits him in the stomach and he goes down quick. They snatch CeCe up, and start heading to the door with her to kick her out. Tasha gets up and goes to swing on the bouncers (wtf??) and she gets snatched up too. Felicia isn't as dumb as they are, but she knows they're her ride home so she gets up and walks on out behind them. 

Marcus and Baron walk over to me while i'm walking over to Jermaine to help him up. I get him up and decide that it's time for us to leave. They all agree. It's around 1 AM now. As we start to head out, someone runs up behind me cursing up a storm. I turn around and it's Miracle. She isn't upset with me, just upset that she got a face full of jizz and then beat up. She comes back out to ask me what my relationship is with Sunday and I assure her that we're only friends. I have a fiance' at home that Sunday knows about. This makes her even more upset. I give her a hug and tell her she should head on home. I tell her that I have Sunday's number and i'll get with her and straighten everything out so the two of them can co-exist in that place. She asks me if I want to call her sometime, since she's so upset already, I don't refuse her. She writes her number on a dollar and gives it to me. I haul ass.

Outside in the parking lot, CeCe, Tasha, and Felicia are standing by their ride. A fuckin Infiniti G35 coupe. I was jealous of this CeCe person over her wheels, but I had too much other shit on my mind. I told Baron that we'd meet him at the Waffle House down the street. CeCe overheard us and said that they'd ride down there to meet us. I hop in my car and text Baron while telling Marcus and Jermaine that I don't wanna deal with these broads anymore. They all agree (Jermaine was a bit reluctant about leaving his precious CeCe behind. But he just said he'd call her later) and I tell Baron to just follow me wherever I go. So we get out onto Riverside Drive and I punch it. Baron is behind me in his Expedition and CeCe is behind Baron in her G35.

Wait a fucking minute...a G-thirty-fucking-five. Stuckey, you can't lose these bitches in a stock Si. Oh damn. Well, I gotta try. Them broads are ugly (plus i'm drunk). I have Marcus call Baron and tell him to get on the interstate. We'd meet at the Waffle House on Rocky Creek (near Marcus's house). I'd take the long way, ditching CeCe in the process. So I ride clean past the Waffle House on Riverside (the one CeCe thought we were stopping at) and turn onto Tom Hill Sr. Blvd. (remember where Jermaine got beat up at the grocery store? same street.). I redline second gear and hit third. I don't see CeCe anymore...until I turn.

This fat bitch cut through the grocery store parking lot and was sitting right there watching me go up Northside Drive. She pulled out behind me and just as I thought, I couldn't lose her fast ass car for shit. I guess i'd have to play chicken with her. When we got up to the next red light, I turned the A/C off, the radio, and the headlights. I punched it from there red-lining everything until I got to 4th. I was doing 110 and she was still behind me. She didn't give up until I was doing 130 or so. Luckily this is the "white" part of town and people aren't out late around there...plus I lived over that way for 9 years. Jermaine was scared shitless in the backseat, Marcus was used to the way I drove by then. We went on to Waffle House. While there, I snapped a picture of Jermaine for yall. Sinsations was his idea, as well as chat-line. I think he's finally lost his damn mind.

So yeah, that's what happened. Now I have to straighten Sunday out (she wants to meet me at applebee's tomorrow) and possibly change my number. CeCe has been calling me nonstop since 11AM this morning. Thanks for reading.



05-13-2007, 09:43 PM 
I KNOW Jermaine Has Finally Lost His Mind (The Return of Moments).

Up until this past Saturday, I had been at work every day for 2 whole weeks. Aside from that, i've gone through drama with Sunday (which I smoothed out), received a visit from Shannon (we almost did something bad...but I had the will to stay out of her cooch), and received a shitload of calls from Jermaine. If my computer had a mic, i'd record the messages and get them on my computer to let yall hear em. But since I don't, and i'd like to give you some idea of what this story will be about, i'll just type the messages he left:

Message #1: Wassup Stuckey, naw that wasn't Red that called your phone. I don't know who it was...but check this out. I got a gul named Chocolate dats supposed to be callin you pretty soon. She got a lot of friends...I told her dat you make good money and can get around good so you can go wherever she is...and when she call back i'mma ask if she got a white friend for me. It'll be hooked up for you, me, and Marcus.

Message #2: Ay Stuckey man, Wassup? I got dis otha gul in Cordele...Cordele ain't dat far. She got a friend from a place called Rochele. And dey havin a Mother's Day cookout Saturday. So we can swing through there and see what's up. Tell Marcus about it. I'll talk to you later, Stuckey man.

Message #3: Ay Stuckey man, you can't call me back now i'm at work. ###-#### is a gul name Phyllis. She seem like da type of gul dat'll do thangs for money. She stay in Warner Robins. She Indian mixed in wit white...jus give her a call and see what's up wit her. See what she talkin bout. Marcus say he was gon try to break her down. Call her and-- DON'T MENTION ME. Don't mention me, she ain't neva met me befo' she might think i'm somebody retarded. She might thank she can jus get da money. My partna say he seen her and say she look pretty good. Maybe we can ride down and do a meet and greet tomorrow...hit me back. One.

Message #4: Ay wassup Stuckey. I just came back off 2 dates. Well the first one wasn't a date. I just went and met a gul da first time. Den I went and met a gul and went to eat at Ryan's. I just call to check up on them gulz we was suppose to check out tomorrow. IGOT2MOFORTOMORROW-HAHAHA!! In Warner Robins, named Peaches and Renee. Man tonight I got some gulz in Perry. Dey say dey wanna drank...and fuck...hit me back later on. One.

Message #5: Ay Stuckey man, knowwhati'msayin? I got dem gulz ready in Perry. I just wanna see if you talked to dat gul in Cordele. I got some mo in Dublin dat say dey want us to come through too. And I got a gul in Macon dat I talked to face to face. A white gul...I just need you to ride up to da store wit me and tell her dat my business is legit. Let her know I'MSERIOUSABOUTMYBUSINESS-HAHAHA! ....You know how some folks say dey got a business and really ain't got one...and ain't really real. But we can get up wit her...just call me back and let me know what you got so far...one.

Message #6: Ay Stuckey wassup, I got some gulz set up. 2 of em twins. Dey my cousins. Dey say dey gonna get with they friends for mother's day. And dey say dey got somebody for me. Den we got dem ones in Dublin. I definitely wanna go to PERRY DEFINITELYWANNAGOTOPERRY-HAHAHAHA!!!! Cuz dem gulz say dey gon fuck...den we got dat white gul in Macon, dem 2 in Warner Robins...so...we got a lot on da plate today Stuckey man. Plus dat gul in Cordele...but dem 2 in Perry...it's jus 2 of em but I DEFINITELY wanna go to Perry. You and Marcus gon have to share one or maybe dey can find another gul before we get up there. So you and Marcus need to gon and call me man...i'mma give your phone a rest though. Hit me back.

Got a clear idea now? Jermaine is back on the grind. Hard. That Encouraging Words shit he was talking about never quite got off the ground. So Jermaine is back with a vengeance. We're talking MOMENTS 2. That's right yall. This here is a story about how Marcus, Jermaine, Baron (for a while) and myself embarked on a journey through some of the most country ass cities in Georgia to help Jermaine make his comeback...and to laugh at his expense. The 6 messages he left me on my phone throughout that week (a few in one day), was a pretty big source of comic relief for me and my co-workers. It's worth noting that I didn't return a single one of these phone calls and these were just the phone calls he left messages for. I cracked up all week as I tried to figure out where all this shit was going. It's pretty obvious he used that stupid chat-line to meet these girls because only 2 of them were in Macon. Some of them said they were trying to hook up their friends so he needed Marcus and I to play wingman. 

The last message was extra long. It's actually 3 times larger than what I posted, but that's just the main idea of the voicemail. And it was the call he made Saturday morning. My first day off in 2 whole weeks. When I woke up to return his phone call...he picked up very excited. Like a woman waiting on her baby's daddy to call to say he's on the way with the child support check.

Jermaine: Ay Stuckey man, WHATUPSTUCKEYMAN-HAHAHA!

Me: What up homes? You been kinda busy the last few days ain't ya?

Jermaine: Yeah man. I been on da grind tryin to find some gulz...

Me: What for man? And why did you call so damned many?

Jermaine: I think I wanna do another Moments...

Me: *muffled laughter* Moments?

Jermaine: Yeah man, Stuckey man, I been retired for a few months but I think I wanna get back into it. But I wanna make some real cheese this time. Like I did wit dat first-- YOUREMEMBERDAFIRSTMOMENTSDON'TCHA-HAHAHA!!!!

Me: XD Hell yeah I remember. You made a killin off that one.

Jermaine: Yeah. I wanna make cheese like dat. You think we can hook up and go see some of these gulz? I got some lined up for you and Marcus.

Me: Yeah. We can do that.

Jermaine: DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE ABOUT PERRY?!

Me: Yeah man. You DEFINITELY wanna go to Perry because you got some guaranteed action right?

Jermaine: Uh-huh.

Me: Ok. I'm gonna go get a haircut, scoop up Marcus, then come by and get you.

Jermaine: Ok, Stuckey man, that's straight.

And with that, I showered, got dressed, and left the house. The events that follow kinda make me wish I would've stayed my black ass at home. 

Chapter 1: A Storm Brewing.

So like I told Jermaine, I planned to go get my haircut first. The first stop was the barbershop. I call Marcus while en route and tell him that Jermaine has some plans for the day. He didn't seem too enthused based on what happened last time we hung out with him, but that soon changed. You see, Marcus wasn't around when Moments came about. On the day that I met his girlfriend Sheana, I told him that Jermaine tried to get at her one night at Liz Reed's (the club downtown where Jermaine wrecked his van escaping from). From there, naturally I told him about the 'Moments' project. Needless to say we laughed our asses off at the pissing scene, "lions under a waterfall", the junkyard video, etc. So while Marcus was still sorta uneasy about hangin with Jermaine again so soon, he decided to tag along when I told him we'd be playing wingman so he could work on Moments 2.

So I arrive at the barbershop by the time I convince Marcus to throw some shit on and hang with Jermaine and I. Naturally, the barbershop is packed this time of morning on a Saturday. So I go in and take a seat to wait my turn. Not long after I sit down, my phone rings. It's Jermaine. He was surprised I answered my phone.

Jermaine: Oh hey, Stuckey man. Wassup?

Me: At the barbershop. It shouldn't take too long. What up?

Jermaine: I got Bridget on the phone.

Me: Who?

Bridget: Wassup...

Me: Chillin. What's up?

Bridget: Shit. You. So what's up man you comin up here or what?

Me: Umm...that's up to Jermaine.

Jermaine: Guess what, Stuckey?

Me: What?

Jermaine: She say she got another friend for you or Marcus. This is the gul from Perry I was tellin you bout.

Me: Oh ok. That's cool. Bridget, i'm getting my haircut right now. As soon as I leave and pick my boys up, we'll come see you. 

Bridget: Ok baby.

Jermaine: Hey Bridget.

Bridget: Yeah?

Jermaine: Yall fine right? Tell Stuckey.

Bridget: Stuckey, all 3 of us are on point!

Me: Heh. Glad to hear it. See you soon.

I hang up and wait a bit longer until a seat is available. The barber and I talk about mother's day, movies, and the smoke that's been in the air all morning. You see, there's been some fires in Florida recently, plus storms coming from the west. So there was pretty thick smoke in the air for most of the day Saturday. After what we've been through, i'd say the smog was rather symbolic. After I got up from the chair, I went straight to Marcus' place. Soon as he hopped in the car, he started talkin about the smoke. What followed was a similar discussion from the one I had at the barbershop until I pulled my phone out to let Marcus hear the voicemails that I typed out for yall. We tripped out all the way to the car wash. I had never timed it, but Marcus did. To sit there and listen to the messages Jermaine sent, it took a whole 20 minutes.

It took about 10 hours to make me kinda regret I ever knew him. 

So we get to the car-wash. Marcus still has my phone in hand as we are driving through the automatic wash. Before I get through to the other side, I get a call from an unknown number. Suspecting that it might be that girl from Perry, Bridget, I answer the call as Marcus hands me the phone. It wasn't Bridget. This person was much more eloquent and sounded kinda hot. She said her name was Ranita.

Ranita: Hello. Stuckey?

Me: Yes? Who's this?

Ranita: This is Ranita. My cousin Jermaine gave me your number.

Me: Ok.

Ranita: Well me, my sister, and our cousin are throwing a party tonight and I was telling Jermaine that if you guys aren't doing anything, we'd be glad to have you over. Do you know where Apple Valley is?

Me: Yep. When does the party start?

Ranita: It'll start around 9. I'll call you back later with the exact address...you think you guys can stop by?

Me: Well, Ms. Ranita, I don't see why not.

Ranita: Ok, well I live in Chamber Cove so if you'd like to come by and meet me and my sister before the party you can.

Me: Ok. That sounds good. Talk to you later.

I hang up and start vacuuming my car out. As i'm doing this, i'm telling Marcus that this Ranita girl sounded pretty hot. I gave him the details about the party and everything. As I finish cleaning the driver side of the car, my phone rings again. This time it's Jermaine. So I hand Marcus the vacuum while I take the call. Jermaine asks where we are and when we'll get to his house. At this point, he's too damned excited. I tell him we'll be there in a minute and I ask him about Ranita. This was apparently one of the girls he was talking about in message 6. Ranita is one of the Macon girls. She has a twin sister named Danita. Ranita would be for me and Danita would be for Marcus. And they had a friend to put Jermaine on. I relayed the info about the party in Apple Valley and he seemed pretty enthusiastic about getting on the road. In my mind, I prayed that he wasn't broke.

So we finish vacuuming my car out and we head to Jermaine's house. I kid you not, it seemed like the sky got darker and darker with smoke as we got closer to Jermaine's house. Remember Mario 64? At the top of the castle, you'd enter this long ass hallway. At the opposite end of this hall, there was a picture of Princess Peach. But as you start charging toward the painting, it turns into a picture of Bowser then the trap door opens. That's kinda what I equate the scene to. So we pull up at Jermaine's expecting him to be sitting on the porch. But he was inside. Marcus hops out to go knock on the door and Jermaine's mother answers. Surprisingly, she was nice. She shook Marcus' hand and waved at me. Jermaine comes to the door shortly after that, says bye to his mom and heads to the car. He has on an oversized white t-shirt with a large gold 100-dollar bill on it, some tan jeans, and matching tan boots. He hops in the car and I compliment him on his shirt (which I actually think is tacky):

Me: Wassup, hundred bucks?!

Jermaine: Shoot, Stuckey, IWISHIWASAHUNDREDDOLLAS-HAHAHA!

Me: Well shit, you got the shirt on.

Jermaine: Man, i'm more like a couple bucks Stuckey I'MACOUPLEBUCKS-HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: Ok man. Well, before we head out, I gotta get my oil changed.

Jermaine: Ok, that's straight, Stuckey man.

And we head to the Honda dealership. Unfortunately, they closed their service department at noon on Saturdays so I skipped the oil change. The next stop was Best Buy. On the way there, Jermaine begs to use my phone. I refuse to give it to him and explain that he's the reason I got my number changed before. Marcus volunteers his phone to Jermaine and he calls some girl named Miami. Miami calls herself Miami because she's from...Miami! She answers the phone and Jermaine, without even saying hello, hands the phone to Marcus. You see, Jermaine praises Marcus and I for our ability to hold conversation with girls. It's pretty hit or miss with Jermaine. They either love the fact that he has the hots for them, or they're turned off by him being a pervert. It's usually the latter. Marcus grabs the phone, confirms that this girl really calls herself Miami, then does his thing. 

In mid-conversation with Miami, I pull up to Best Buy. Once inside, Marcus hangs up the phone and gives Jermaine and I the details. He says that she wants to meet later that night. The proposed spot is Rock-a-Billy's (a club yall have heard about in other stories). He tells us that the place could change, but the time would obviously be after 10 when the clubs open. Jermaine grabbed Marcus' phone and called ANOTHER girl. I start to worry because Jermaine is calling girls he didn't even mention in the voicemails. Just how many places is he trying to get me to take him to? Again, I pray that he has money. I grab the latest Paul Wall album (so-so) and the Sa-Ra album (sounds great) and pay and leave. Marcus wants to go across the parking lot to Target so we make a quick stop over there. The whole time, Jermaine is still calling women. We get in Target and quickly turn around and leave. The person Marcus was looking for is not there. As we leave, I suggest getting some food. Marcus suggests the food court in the mall. Jermaine tells us that he got his ass RE-BANNED from the mall.

Me: Jermaine, what the fuck man? Why can't you go to the mall now?

Jermaine: Man, Stuckey man, I took my camcorder in there and they ain't like that. All i was doin was talkin to guls and filmin people walkin around.

Marcus shakes his head in disgust.

Me: Well, Jermaine it's on you. Where you wanna eat?

Jermaine: I feel like some KFC.

So off to KFC we go. We get to the resturant and get our food. As we're grabbing a seat, 2 SEXY ass chicks walk in and get in line. My intuition hit me. Telling me that if this day started to go down hill, i'd need something to cheer me up. Marcus was obviously thinking the same thing. You see, when you're in a committed relationship, you don't WANT to go out and cheat. Not always. Sometimes you just want to see if you still got it. Marcus took the mixed one, I took the black one. Jermaine said that he was gonna learn from us. We went over to talk to them and they ended up bringing their trays over to sit with us and Jermaine. We got to know a little about Dina and Cheryl (including the fact that they are bi and have slept with one another before...well kinda. They didn't openly admit it, but they giggled and grinned and shit when we asked them. They did admit to being bi though). So when everyone was done eating, Jermaine had me call Ranita back. She was just getting out of the shower. I told her she'd better hurry and get dressed because we were 10 minutes from Chamber Cove at the KFC in Bloomfield. She laughed and told me the apartment number.

I pulled into Chamber Cove 3 minutes later. I drive fast and we pulled up to their apartment building. We let Jermaine do the honors of ringing the bell since he's family. We heard Ranita run to the door and yell "Hold on!" I imagined a sexy chick sporting a towel and long, wet, hair on the other side. A few minutes later, a woman opened the door. There was nothing even REMOTELY close to my fantasy on the other side of the doorway. First thing I saw was this big, old, black woman with a new hairdo, an old, stained, orange t-shirt. She was VERY dark-skinned and had acne out the ass. She smiled and invited us inside. This was apparently Ranita. Jermaine went in first. I looked back at Marcus who was dialing a number in his phone before I shook Ranita's hand and walked in. There was no furniture in the living room except a tv on a tv stand and a playstation 2. There were 4 kids sitting on the living room floor eating plates of spaghetti. The 3 boys were watching the 1 little girl play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I started to feel a headache coming on as my phone went off. It was a text message from Marcus that read:

UR FUCKED!!!

I agreed, but looked back at him and just grinned. He had already forgotten that his girl is the twin sister. He mouthed "oh shit!" then hung his head down. I looked around into the kitchen and saw Ranita's "twin" Danita. I couldn't help but bust out laughing. 

Danita was BUSTED. So busted that I wondered whether or not she was retarded. She had been in the kitchen washing dishes and when she walked out to shake our hands, I looked back at Marcus and he busted out laughing also. Ranita and Danita just smiled at us, unaware what we were laughing at. Jermaine noticed the kids and asked them what they were playing. Of course they replied "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" the girl had just stole a car and the Isley Brothers started to play. He was pretty surprised that they played real music in the game. This led to a conversation about the Grand Theft Auto series. In case you don't follow, we're trying to blow the twins off. Even JERMAINE thought Danita was fugly. Ranita starts asking me questions such as where I work, how old I am, etc. I find out that she's 31 and 3 of the 4 children sitting on the floor are hers. I also find out that this party in Apple Valley later that night would be a "Luau" party. The thought of Danita in a grass skirt made me gag in my mouth a little bit. I texted "picture them in grass skirts..." to Marcus and he had a similar reaction. Marcus then stands next to me and says "I can get us out of here if you want me to", to which I reply, "I'll follow your lead." There was no need to clue Jermaine in to what we were doing. He goes along with any damn thing. So I turn away from the twins and call Marcus' phone. He answers the call and pretends he's talking to his mother. After bullshitting for a while, he hangs up and says that he has to go by his mom's to pick something up. Of course the plan works like a charm and we start heading out the door and back to the car. Ranita says she'll call me shortly to tell me the exact address of the luau. Jermaine reminds them to have a "gul" for him at the party. When we get in the car, I unload on Jermaine.

Me: Jermaine!

Jermaine: Wassup?

Me: What the hell are you tryin to do to us homey?

Jermaine: Man, Stuckey man, I ain't know it was gon' be like that. Ranita looked alright, but DANITAWASBUSTED-HAHAHA!

Marcus: XD

Me: XD Man, we'll play wingman for you, but you gotta give us SOMETHING to work with. She was fat, ugly, kept a dirty place, AND had 3 kids!

Marcus: And mine looked like Gargamel...

Jermaine: Well, look at it dis way. She say dat party is gon be like a luau so dat mean it's gon' be gulz dressed up in grass skirts and stuff. It's gon' be some pretty gulz out there so you might just have to pretend for a while.

Me: We'll see. At this point, i'd rather just go to Rock-a-Billy's and meet Miami.

Marcus: Agreed.

Jermaine: Ok den. We always have dat as a option.

Me: Well, we're right here by I-475. Call Bridget. We're headed to Perry.

Jermaine: DAHORSEMENRIDEAGAIN-HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Something I may have forgot to mention to yall. Jermaine is a wrestling fanatic. He calls himself, me, Marcus, and Baron the 4 horseman. He designated me Arn Anderson and he calls himself Ric Flair (of course yall remember the tape he made after he wrecked his van in which he called himself the Nature Boy Ric Flair...Wooo...). I should also mention that it's not uncommon to buy one of Jermaine's "films" and have it cut into him playing WWE Smackdown right in the middle of the scene. Anyway, once we left Chamber Cove, we were literally right around the corner from the interstate. We jumped on and headed toward Perry while Jermaine called Bridget. He told them we were on our way and they made a very strange request.

They wanted us to stop and pick up some ecstasy pills.

Me: I don't know where to buy any fuckin X!

Marcus: And I damn sure ain't about to take that shit.

Jermaine: DEYJUSTGONHAVETOSETTLEFORCIGARETTES-HAHAHAHAHA!!

Me: XD

We ignored their request as Bridget gave the directions and we headed toward them. It was a 20-30 mile drive roughly. Not bad, but keep in mind the air was still thick with smoke and traffic was a bitch due to people trying to go somewhere for Mother's Day. After getting off at the wrong exit once, we finally got where we needed to be. As we turned into their neighborhood, Marcus called them to get some more directions. They led us right to them. Bridget and another girl were standing outside. The third girl that was promised was nowhere to be found. We pulled up in their driveway and hopped out. Now, these girls here were no kin to Jermaine. Which meant they were all fair game to him. So while we bailed on the twins, and possibly Jermaine's first opportunity to get a star for Moments 2, we couldn't just cheat him out of this one. He needed some wingmen and dammit we were gonna play our part. 

Even though the broad Marcus and I was sharing was FUCKED UP.

I mean, she looked ok in the sense that if she took care of herself, she'd look pretty damn good. But she was grimey as fuck. I'm talkin flip your underwear inside-out and use the clean side grimey. Nothing she had on DIDN'T have a stain on it and she was smoking a black-n-mild AND a cigarette at the same time. WTF?! Anyway, Jermaine said he had the fat one. The fat one was Bridget. When she introduced herself, the first thing that came to my mind was the statement she made to me when I was sitting down in the barbershop.

Bridget: Stuckey, all 3 of us are on point! (echoes)

She introduced her friend to us whose name was Camille. We all introduced ourselves and as soon as we finished, Bridget asked us if we brought any drugs. ;_;

Jermaine: I thought yall just wanted to drank.

Bridget: Well, did you bring liquor?

Jermaine: Naw. We thought you had some.

Marcus: Plus, we don't use any drugs.

Bridget: Well...shit...

Marcus: What yall been up to today?

Bridget: Shit...smokin...

Marcus: ...and you're trying to smoke some more?

Bridget: Hell yeah. Just cause we smoked earlier THAT DON'T MEAN NOTHIN!

We went on into the house, which was surprisingly neat. I figured a dope-head such as herself would live in a pigsty. We take seats in the living room. Marcus and I sit on each side of Camille and Jermaine sits by Bridget. As they're lighting up more black-n-milds, Jermaine starts to talk about his business. He pulls out his cell phone (a pre-paid phone with no minutes on it) and starts to show Bridget some of the work he's done. Pictures of girls he's worked with before. Bridget does seem interested in what she's seeing. Marcus is trying to hold in his laughter and i'm trying to do the wingman thing talking to Camille.

Camille: Where you from?

Me: Indiana originally. I've been in Macon so long though that it doesn't really count for anything. You?

Camille: I'm from right here.

Me: Cool...

Camille: So are you seeing anybody?

Me: Right now? Yes.

Camille: Oh. So are you faithful?

Me: Yeah. (that's a damned lie and yall know it)

Camille: *turning to Marcus* What about you?

Marcus: Oh. I'm in a relationship right now, but it's a long-distance relationship.

Camille: Oh! So I KNOW you ain't faithful then.

Marcus: I try to be.

Camille: *takes a long pull from her black-n-mild* Well, one of yall is givin me some dick today. So whichever one it is, come on with it.

This ain't what I had in mind when I thought of a wingman. I looked back over at Jermaine. He's snapping pictures of Bridget's fat, ugly ass while she still has clothes on. Trying to convince her to take them off. And after he snapped a few shots, she was sold. She started to lift her shirt. I started to turn back to Camille and Marcus, but remembered she just demanded dick. So I couldn't look anywhere but straight ahead. Right down their dark hallway. After I stared down the hall for a while, a door opened up. A chick in a t-shirt and panties comes out of a room wiping her eyes. She had a very nice figure from what I saw of the sihlouette. And as she walked out into the living room and stopped wiping her eyes, I saw that she had a nice face to go along with the body. She was light-skinned with short brown hair, and a tattoo on her thigh that said "Red". So that's what I called her when she stepped into the room.

Me: Red, how you doin?

Red: Hehe. Tired as hell. How are you?

Me: I'm good.

Bridget awkwardly introduced us to Red as she was pulling her shirt up over her head. Jermaine was helping her. Damn she was fat as hell.

Red came over and sat by me. I had to scoot closer to Camille which made me uncomfortable, but the good thing was since she sat by me, that Marcus had no choice but to take Camille. He'd be alright though. He doesn't have the same level of guilt I do when sleeping around on his girl. Long-distance relationships ftw? Anyway, Red sat down, crossed her legs and smiled at me. She asked me similar questions to the ones girls had been asking me up to that point. Where I worked, where I was from, etc. I found out that she was 20 and that she knew Marcus due to him dating her cousin Jeanelle years ago. Marcus didn't remember her though. Probably because she wasn't legal when he dated Jeanelle. After a while, she asked me if I wanted a beer. I accepted her offer as she got up and walked to the kitchen. The difference between her and the other 2 chicks was like night and day. She was the picture of Princess Peach. Her homegirls were pictures of Bowser and Yoshi or some shit. She came back with some cans of Miller High Life and handed me one. I downed it so quick that she jumped up and got me another without saying a word. I downed it fast as hell too. Instead of getting up that time, she just told me to go to the kitchen and help myself. And I did.

Time passed and Marcus and Camille ended up going to sit on the porch outside, Jermaine was making out with Bridget in the recliner, and I was sitting there getting wasted with Red. I looked at my watch and only an hour had passed. Red leaned over to lay on my shoulder. She started to whisper in my ear.

Red: You never asked me where I work. You know that right?

Me: My bad. Where do you work?

Red: The Neon Cowboy.

Me: What?! I thought you said you were 20.

Red: I am. They don't serve alcohol in there, remember?

Me: Oh yeah...

By the way, Neon Cowboy is a strip club in Warner Robins. It's right next door to another strip club/ sex-toy shop called Cafe Erotica. Middle Georgia's a fucked up place ain't it?

Me: How long you been working there?

Red: 2 months. You want me to dance for you?

Me: Do I have to pay?

Red: ...XD Not this time.

She gets up and takes me by the hand. We go down the hallway to the room she had come out of when she woke up. She closed the door behind us and I was startled that a little boy was in the bed sleep. I just KNEW she wasn't gonna strip for me in here. She insisted that he wouldn't wake up, plus I was buzzing so I went along with it. She didn't put any music on. She just started to do her little routine. You could tell she was new to it, but she did well enough to give me a boner. After she got tired of dancing, she laid down on the bed. As she laid down, she pulled me down with her. I wanna forget this next part so i'll be brief about it.

I fucked the girl doggy-style right there with her little brother in the bed. He woke up in the middle of us screwing and looked DEAD at me with a terrified look on his face. I'm gonna hate myself for a long time for that one. He'll probably never forget my face for as long as he lives. The little boy was her little brother ;_;

ANYWAY, we came back into the living room and Jermaine had his digital camera set up on top of the telivision facing the recliner. He was ramming the shit out of Bridget. I gagged in my mouth. Red took a seat on the couch and I stepped outside to check on Marcus and Camille.

But no one was on the porch when I walked outside. What the hell happened to Marcus? And I don't know how the hell this hit me at that point in time, but Jermaine mentioned a girl named Red in one of the voicemails...the first one right? Something about she didn't call me...there was still smoke everywhere in the air, but there was something else floating around too. Some bullshit maybe? 

As I walk to the end of the driveway to look around the neighborhood to see if I can find Marcus, my phone starts ringing. It's ugly ass Ranita. I answer and as promised, she gives me the exact directions to the luau party in Apple Valley. I write them down on a napkin I had in my car and tell her that I was in the middle of something. I hang up and text Marcus to see what the hell is going on. I hope that grimey bitch Camille doesn't have him caught up in some shit. Remember this is the guy that let a chick give him a balled up dollar bill with crack in it. I decide to check the backyard and as I'm coming around, I hear something. I've been in enough shit to know what the hell is going on here. That's the sound of a man that doesn't wanna get caught fuckin a ugly ho. I take off to the backyard and I find Camille, but no Marcus. I was pretty disappointed. I asked what she was doing back there and she replies "Fuck all that. You gonna give me some dick or what?", I try to let her off gently by saying "Sorry, but i'm not here for that. I'm just the driver. I don't mess around on my old lady." It would seem she had caught me in a lie. She was standing right below the window of the room i'd just been in with Red. She heard us fuckin...and was masturbating.

Ecstacy is a helluva drug. Or whatever the hell she was on.

I asked her where Marcus was and she had no idea. I ask her when she saw him last and she says he just got up off the front porch and walked off. Hmm...maybe he walked to the store around the corner. I grab my phone to text him again and I get a text from him at that moment. I was right. He walked to the store and says he was on his way back. I tell him to hurry so he can screw Camille. He replies with "ugh." and I go back inside. Camille comes in behind me and starts asking Red how I was. At the same time, Jermaine and Bridget finished bumping uglies and she had requested to see what was recorded. She and Jermaine watched themselves screw on his camera. I sat on the end of the couch opposite Red listening to her tell Camille that I was "good, but acted like I was scared because her brother was in the room". After they laughed at my expense, Red slid down to my end of the couch and invited me to come to Neon Cowboy that night to watch her dance. I told her that we had a lot on our plate, but that we'd try to get out there since they don't close till 4 am. That was good enough for her. She said she was going back to sleep and she got up and retired to her room again. Jermaine comes over and sits by me to get the details.

Jermaine: You fucked her Stuckey?!

Me: Yeah I did.

Jermaine: YOUGOTSOMEMOMENTSTOO-HAHAHAHA!

Me: XD Yeah... ;_;

I get up and go to the fridge for another beer. Marcus walks in and Jermaine tells him the news before I even get a chance to.

Jermaine: Marc, Stuckey fucked that red-bone gul.

Marcus: My boy!

Jermaine: HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: We still got a lot to do. Yall ready to be out?

Marcus: Ready when you are, sir.

Jermaine: Yeah, Stuckey. Let me just finish up wit Bridget.

As Marcus and I walk out of the door, Camille curses us out for not screwing her. She called Marcus "gay" even. We just kept walking. We got in the car and waited for Jermaine to come out. I cut the car on to play one of my new CD's while I told Marcus the story about me and Red. Laughs were had. It seemed like another half hour before Jermaine came out of the damn house. When he got in, he handed Marcus the digital camera so he could watch the footage. Jermaine looks at me and says "Sorry I took so long, Stuckey. I had to pick up yo slack.", I reply "What slack? You got Red too??", "Naw, Stuckey. I had to hit that otha gul. Camille. She was WETTERTHANASWIMMINPOOL-HAHAHA!!!". I didn't even have to ask if he taped it because that was exactly what Marcus was watching. Hell, I don't blame him. I wouldn't wanna see that Bridget scene either. BUT DO YALL KNOW THE MOST FUCKED UP PART ABOUT THAT SCENE?! As Jermaine is fucking Camille on the living room floor, Red's little brother walks out of their bedroom. And sees them on the floor...doggy style. He'll probably think that's the only way to have sex for years. The kid couldn't have been older than 6 ;_; . Anyway, as Marcus watches, I pull out and get back to the interstate. Before we get back to Macon, we'd go past Warner Robins so I told Jermaine to make whatever calls he needed to make for Warner Robins. He took Marcus' phone and called Peaches and Renee'. Peaches and Renee' were of course chat-line broads. Jermaine had only talked to them one time and they told him that whenever he came through Warner Robins, to stop through and holla at them.

So he gets them on the phone to get directions to their apartment. Unfortunately, they were getting ready to go do some running around. They said they'd be back in a couple hours so call them back later. Jermaine called Phyllis next. Soon as the phone started to ring, he handed it to me. Phyllis was at home, and was willing to have visitors. The thing is, she didn't have any friends (so Marcus and I were free and clear to drop him off and just leave) and she lived with her mom...who doesn't care for black folks that much. So we'd need her to meet us somewhere else. She agrees to meet us at the mall in Warner Robins (which is sorry as hell). We head in that direction and I ask Jermaine out of curiosity how the hell he plans to get this girl on film if she doesn't know any of us. He tells me that he got the number from this "partna" of his that met her. His friend said she expressed interest in making some money, but Jermaine didn't want to meet her until she met Marcus and I. He needed our "people skills" to break her down first, then he'd try to get her on film. Whatever, long as my copy of Moments 2 is free and it's funny. We get to the mall and play some Time Crisis 3 while we wait on Phyllis. It didn't take long for her to approach us. And I have to say...

That this girl here was fatter than Bridget AND Ranita put together. This is the 3rd drive we've made to meet somebody fat and/or ugly as hell. But what can I say? That's how Jermaine likes em. She approaches Marcus thinking he was the one she talked to over the phone. Marcus points her to me and she walks over and shakes my hand. As we're standing there talking, I notice in my peripheral vision someone kinda eyeing us. Like we fit the description of some criminals or some shit. The person then starts walking toward us. I still have my attention directed at Phyllis, but I notice Jermaine tapping on Marcus' shoulder as he's backing up. I make eye contact with Jermaine and he motions with his neck for me to run. I turn my whole head over to face the person that was approaching. It was mall security.

Jermaine was banned from this mall too and didn't even bother to fuckin tell us. Someone please shoot me.

It seems like if you get banned from one mall for taking your camera in it, that you pretty much CAN'T FUCKING TAKE YOUR CAMERA IN MALLS. At least not in the SAME GENERAL VICINITY. How stupid can one person be? Well, I can't dog him too bad. I'm the one hanging with his ass. Anyway, we take off running and for whatever reason, Phyllis runs too. She's so big that she can't keep up and it even got to the point where she was running behind the damn mall security officer. Jason Voorhees could probably beat this bitch in a foot race. We make an entire lap around the mall, go outside, then reverse and run around the entire OUTSIDE of the mall in the opposite direction. We dart for the car and haul ass. The mall security officer was out of sight since we got outside. As I start to pull out of the mall parking lot and curse Jermaine's ass out, it starts raining. On one hand, i'm pissed because I washed my car earlier. On the other hand, we needed that rain because it makes quick work of the smoke that was in the air. Things started to clear up. Maybe that's a sign? A sign that shit will get better on this day? A sign that the rest of the day will be anywhere close to normal? Smoke clearing is good right?

Hell naw. 

Words can't describe how pissed I was with Jermaine by this point. First, he made me have to get my number changed from the last time we went out, then he hooks Marcus and I up with ugly ho's, THEN he takes me to that din of debauchery in Perry and made me cheat on my girl (you gotta allow me this ONE cop-out...i'm normally hard on myself), NOW he has me on the run from mall security. From what Jermaine told Marcus and I, he didn't even damn know he was banned from that one. If he keeps it up, he'll be on house arrest or worse. Of course I cursed him out pretty good as I debated a place we could go chill at until Peaches & Renee' were free'd up. We decided to just ride around Warner Robins for a while. I'd never been too far in the town, but Jermaine knew his way around so he called the shots. Marcus made an interesting comment as I was riding down long-ass Russell Parkway.

Marcus: If we're gonna be doing this, I think I should handle the chat-line from now on.

Me: Agreed. Jermaine is a glutton for obesity and ignorance when it comes to women.

Jermaine: STUCKEYYOUCRAZYMAN-HAHAHA!

We all laugh.

Jermaine: But for real Stuckey man, I ain't know these gulz was gon' be busted like that. I'm sorry.

Me: It's all good. We'll see if Marcus is a better judge of character.

I handed him my phone because I knew that Jermaine would be asking for his before too long. He dialed the number, I turned down the radio, and he proceeded to leave his little introduction message. Sure enough, Jermaine asks for Marcus' phone and he hands it over to him. He reminds me that Monyae is in Warner Robins. Then he calls her. Now, Monyae ain't busted. I know that for sure at this point. She's cute as can be, but I don't care how good you look...if you're 27 years old with 6 children. The line has to be drawn somewhere. Anyway, he gets her on the phone. She's chillin at her place with her friend Michelle. Michelle is a latin chick with a heavy ass accent. She has a great body, but a face that makes my genitals very sad ;_; . Jermaine tells her we're headed over, then he directs me to her place. The whole while Marcus is listening to chat-line messages carefully to choose our next victim. We pull up at Monyae's and head inside. She greets all of us with a hug as we come inside to find Michelle and Monyae's 6 children watching Open Season. You know that animated movie with the voices of Martin Lawrence and Ashton Kutcher? Yeah, that one (like it matters). We post up on a wall on the side of the living room because all the seats are taken up. Monyae's place isn't very furnished, but with 6 little shit-kickers running around, she ain't got room for much else. Michelle doesn't even speak to us when we come in and that bothers me.

Me: Michelle!

Michelle: What?!

Me: I know you gonna speak!!

Michelle: Hey Stuckey! Hey Marcus! Hey Jermaine!

Jermaine: Wassup sexy?

Michelle: Nothin much. Into this movie...

Me: Is it that good? So good that you can't speak?

Michelle: I'm sorry! Damn!

Me: I'll let you off the hook this time.

Monyae offers us some kool-aid. We all decline. Jermaine starts to explain what just happened at the mall. This story un-glues Michelle from the movie and she actually gets up and comes over to where we are to listen. I tell Jermaine that while he's at it, he may as well tell them about the rest of the day we've had thus far. And he does. Marcus is STILL doing the chat-line shit. But my girlfriend cuts him off. He hands me the phone so that I can take the call.

Me: Hello?

Andrea: Hey you.

Me: Hey, snugglebunny. (shuddup!)

Andrea: What are you doing?

Me: In Warner Robins with Marcus and Jermaine.

Andrea: Jermaine again? Uh oh.

Me: Yeah. Pray for me.

Andrea: ...XD Anyway, I have good news!

Me: Yeah?

Andrea: I got another internship! With a plastic surgeon!

Me: What?! Doing it big, aren't we?

Andrea: I hope so.

Me: Best of luck with it, baby.

Andrea: Ok. Call me when you get a chance. I love you.

Me: Love you too.

I go to hand Marcus the phone back, but it rings again as soon as I hang up with the wife. It's Sherod. He was supposed to be going to Atlanta this weekend coming up, but he changed his mind and decided to go this weekend that just passed (the day this bullshit went down). He was calling to invite me to roll with him. I told him I was with Jermaine and he busted out laughing.

Sherod: He got his ass kicked yet? (referring to him getting owned at the strip club by a bouncer)

Me: Not yet, but came damned close. We just got chased out the mall.

Sherod: The mall?! I thought he wasn't banned anymore?

Me: Re-banned. And I was actually referring to the mall in Warner Robins.

Sherod put the phone down and laughed so hard that he started coughing and shit. When he picked the phone back up, I told him that i'd try to hit him up before he got on the road to let him know what I was gonna end up doing. We hang up and I give Marcus the phone back so he can continue his scavenger hunt. By this time, Jermaine is done telling Monyae and Michelle our current adventure and our plans for later on. They said if we were going to Rock-a-Billy's (to meet Miami), to let them know and they'd come out there and chill with us. Michelle's attention slowly turns back to the movie and Monyae's attention turns to me.

Monyae: What's up with Marcus?

Me: What you mean?

Monyae: He's being kinda anti-social.

Me: Oh, he's on the phone. The chat-line to be exact.

Monyae: Oh! The dating thing?

Me: Yeah.

Monyae: Oh. Ok. So...you fooled around on your girl, did ya?

Me: .....

Monyae: I ain't gon mess with you about it. I'll leave it alone ...XD

Me: Thanks. Hey Jermaine, call your friends and see where they're at.

He calls up Peaches & Renee' to see where they are. When they tell him that they're on the way back home, he hands the phone to me. We make small talk for a while, and before long, they're giving me directions to their place and Renee' is describing what Peaches looks like to me. She says Peaches is about 5'6" and 190 pounds. Yet another porker. Yippee. We bid Monyae and Michelle fairwell and we head off to see P&R. Marcus is still chatting it up trying to find us some prospects. I can tell that the majority of the girls on there are fat and/or dumb. I caught myself thinking about that time I met Santedra from the internet and I start to feel nauseous. Anyway, we pull up to their house and Jermaine grabs his digital camera and prepaid cell phone (with no minutes on it) so he can go in and do his thing. Only one of us would have to play wingman this time. And since Marcus was preoccupied, it was gonna be me. 

Why always me??? 

So we pull up to P&R's apartment and head up to knock on the door. As I put my hand up to knock, the door opens. A dark-skinned chick with a piercing in her lip tells me "That was quick! Yall better slow down out there!". Jermaine being the smooth pimp he is says, "We was jus anxious to see you YOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYIN-HAHAHA!". She laughs and introduces herself as Peaches. WTF? Peaches is nowhere near 190 lbs. and she's almost my height. Renee' must be blind or something. Peaches wouldn't be runner-up for Ms. Georgia or anything, but she wasn't too bad lookin. She invites us inside and as we get in, Marcus hangs the phone up and hands it back to me. I speak where Peaches can't hear me.

Me: You done?

Marcus: Yeah. We just have to wait and see if anybody calls back.

Me: There's only 2 girls here. You wanna take care of this one?

Marcus: No no. I put up with Camille last time and you got the fine one. Plus I gotta deal with Miami later on.

Me: Shit. Ok.

We take a seat on the couch in the living room. Jermaine takes it upon himself to have a tour of their apartment. As he's strolling around, Renee' comes out of one of the bedrooms. She doesn't have depth perception worth a damn, but she doesn't look half bad either. So far they'd be the best lookin chicks to appear in Moments 2. They were part 2's Nanny-goat so to speak. Jermaine gave Renee' a hug and they came over to sit down with the rest of us. We all introduced ourselves and mingled for a while. Then Jermaine came at them with his business proposition. He pulled out his prepaid cell phone (with no minutes) to show them some of his previous work. Peaches had a look on her face that pretty much guaranteed she was not down with the cause. Renee' however seemed pretty interested. While this is going on, Peaches hands me the remote and tells me to turn to anything I like. It just so happens that HBO was replaying the Mayweather-De La Hoya fight. So I left it there. Marcus got a chance to pay attention to Jermaine's business approach this timte and was visibly hurting himself trying not to laugh. I was less amused because I had kinda gotten used to it. Peaches started laughing a little bit too. Jermaine took Renee' through EVERYTHING. The contract she'd sign, the girls that he made famous, and the sales figures from some of his previous releases. It all sounded good, but hardly any of it was true.

Picture this, how is a nigga gonna tell you that he can make you rich with a shirt with a gold 100-dollar bill on it, no-name jeans, and no-name boots, a PRE-PAID cell phone with NO minutes, and he had his friend drive him to your house to meet you? Come on now. He rode in the backseat, talking on Marcus' cell phone for most of the day. One of his favorite things to tell potential clients is "The money is out there". 33 years and he's yet to find any of it. I gotta tell ya, there's some dumb folks out here where I live...I felt dumb again as I prayed that he wasn't broke for the 3rd time. He did buy his food at KFC earlier. I hope that wasn't all the money he had on him. I had already used a half-tank of gas.

So when it was all said and done, Renee' was gonna take Jermaine into her bedroom and let him take nude pics of her that he could sell and split the money with her 50-50. She straight up refused to let him fuck her, but I guess he figured he'd take what he could get. As they go in the room and shut the door, 3 things take place.

1) Peaches starts to push up on me.

2) Marcus' phone rings. It's Phyllis, from the mall a little while ago.

3) Someone is knocking at the door. HARD.

Now of these 3 things, which would you be more concerned with? Call me stupid, but I was more concerned with letting Peaches know that I would NOT go there with her. My explanation kinda flew over her head though. All her attention went to the door. Marcus gets up off the couch, as do I. Renee's door cracks open and she sticks her head out. With a worried look on her face. Don't tell me we have to deal with some crazy boyfriends or somethin like that.

Renee': Yall. I'mma tell you like this. That's probably my man Curtis. And he probably has some other people with him.

Me: Oh shit...

Marcus: Is it gonna be like this everywhere we go?

Jermaine: What you say, Renee'?

Renee': That's probably my man outside.

Me: Ok...you wanna take care of that?

Renee': Sheeit, homeboy. I don't know what to tell ya.

I giggle to myself and shake my head.

Me: Fair enough.

By then, the knocking had stopped, but you could tell no one moved away from the door. There was something waiting for us on the other side. It'd been quite some time since i'd been in an actual fight. Last time I hit somebody, they just pulled a gun on me and that was that (yall remember that story right?). Anyway, I was ready to do what I had to do. I gave Marcus and Jermaine the "man up, nigga!" look, then cracked the door open. 

Oh shit. It was Curtis.

He lunged at me and I ducked and scooped him up by his legs. I ran out the door with him and slammed him on his back. Marcus ran out behind me to get anyone else that might've been with him. Fortunately, it was only Curtis. I had knocked the wind out of him when I slammed him and Marcus was standing there as I got up. Jermaine came outside and stood with us too. Curtis was smart enough to know the odds were against him so he didn't try shit. I spit at Renee' (and missed) and walked to my car. Jermaine laughed. 

We get back into the car as Jermaine asks Marcus for his phone again. He plans to return Phyllis' call and we'd get up with her somewhere else. To hell with that. I tell Jermaine that i'm dropping his ass off and i'm going to Atlanta with Sherod. Fuck it. I'm not subjecting myself to any more of his bullshit. I had reached the end of the road with Jermaine. Or so I thought. 

As I was raising hell and driving back to Macon, I was honestly thinking about dropping Jermaine off at his house and never hanging out with him again. This shit was too much. I get myself into stupid shit sometimes, but this here was getting ridiculous. You know how most that post a crazy story in here follow a certain format? Group of friends (or significant other) + setting + something fucked up = Crazy Story. Well this one here has been 'Group of friends + Macon + Warner Robins + Perry + something fucked up x 10 or some shit. I mean, let's sum the shit up to this point. 

A Sky Full of Smoke.

The Gargamel Twins (who were Jermaine's cousins...I shoulda known they weren't worth shit)

Dope-Heads in Perry.

Fuckin a Rookie Stripper in the Same Bed That Her Little Brother is Asleep in.

A Dope-Head Outside the Window Masturbating to Us.

The Little Brother Catching Jermaine Fucking a Dope-Head Minutes Later.

Meeting a Fat Chick and Getting Chased Out of the Warner Robins Mall.

Having to Kick a Guy's Ass at His Girl's Place.

Those are crazy story titles. I could've posted either one of these incidents and had a complete story to contribute, but no. I get all this bullshit in HALF A DAY. With Jermaine. By the time i'd been in the middle of all this shit, it hadn't even got dark yet. But you know what? I'm a sucker for optimism. I've always wished I was more patient than I am. I wish I was one of those people that could always look on the bright side and shit like that. Jermaine is one of those people and I realized that's why I hang out with him. Because while I was cursing his ass out when we were on the way back to Macon, he kept bringing up the GOOD in our trip.

1) It got me out the house.

2) I met some nice chicks at KFC.

3) Met another one in Perry and got laid.

4) Had quite a few laughs. At Jermaine's expense.

It got to the point where I couldn't argue anymore. So I said fuck it. I'd invite Jermaine (Marcus was a given) to come to Atlanta with us if he wanted to.

Me: Ok man, check this out. Why don't you come to Atlanta with me, Sherod, and Marcus?

Jermaine: Ok that's straight, Stuckey man. I got dis gul name--

Me: NONONONONONO! We're not going to Atlanta with you, you're going with us. This is something Sherod planned to do and I ain't goin up there to have him running behind any of your chat-line broads. We've been to see enough of them today.

Marcus: Lord yes. I've had all I can take.

Jermaine: Well, Marc wasn't you gonna meet Miami? You said you wanted to.

Marcus: Well she sounded straight, but i'm not really in the mood now.

Jermaine: Well, Stuckey we can go to Atlanta and go to Magic City!

He wasn't listening was he?

Me: WE'RE NOT GOING WITH YOU! If Sherod wants to go to Magic City, that's where we'll go. But let's let him decide.

It was about 8 o' clock at this point. I call Sherod up and tell him that i'm in. And that i'd be bringing Jermaine and Marcus with me. He said that'd be cool. So I asked him what exactly he planned on doing. And Sherod, being smarter than me, asked about the money situation up front. I've been going this whole day on blind faith that he had SOME money since he's been planning to go to all these places and meet all these people for the past week. Right before I ask, I pray once again that he ain't broke.

Me: Yall got Atlanta money?

Marcus: Shit, i'm ready!

Jermaine: I got 16 dollars.

Instant headache. My head started killing me. My head hurt me so bad that I had to tell Sherod i'd call him back. Come on yall...he had been planning to go do this for the past week. Leaving me voicemail after voicemail. Talking about going to Dublin, Perry, Warner Robins, fuckin CORDELE, ROCHELLE. And he had 16 fucking dollars. Which means he left the house with a 20 dollar bill in his pocket. And a gold 100-dollar bill on his shirt. Hanging with Jermaine ain't all shits and giggles like you might've thought. He didn't even wanna give me any of his 16 dollars to put some gas in the car. So I called Sherod back and asked him when he was leaving. 2 hours from the time I called. Marcus called his brother BARON (awesome name) to see what he was up to. Check this out: Since we went to Sinsations and the jizz-spitting took place, Baron has seperated from his wife, moved in with one of the strippers (and her stripper roommate) and got divorce papers ready. The man works fast. I just had to laugh at that. He said he was up for anything and to just let him know when we got some plans. Up next on the agenda was to go ahead and try to meet Miami. Although we had 2 hours before the club opened up, Jermaine and Marcus both had this fucked up idea in their heads that people would be lining up to get into the club at 8 o' clock. Neither of them wanted to pay 30 dollars to use the cut line like I always do. So I drive to Rock-a-Billy's...at 8 o' fucking clock.

Just as you'd expect, there's no one there. Not even the staff gets there that damn early. So we drive to the back of the building because I have to take a piss. While i'm handling my business, Jermaine calls Miami and hands Marcus the phone. Marcus manages to talk her into letting us come to her house to meet her. As if this day was done shitting on me, guess where Miami lives?













Go ahead...guess...















KITCHEN PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE! ;___;

Son of a bitch. What else do I have to lose? I call my girl as I get on the interstate just to chat with her. I talk to her and her only (ignoring Jermaine at this point) until we get in the Kitchen Pride area. Then Marcus calls her back. This was maybe 15 minutes after he called her from Rock-a-Billy's and she sounded like she was high. She got smoked out while we were on the way to see her...awesome. Anyway she directed us to her house. By this point it had got dark and my phone doesn't have flash. I tried to take a picture of the shit. It looked haunted. So we hop out the car and go up to knock on the door. Naturally she didn't have a porch light so we're standing there in the dark until she comes to the door. When she gets there, Marcus and I are pleasantly surprised. Miami is fine as fuck. Face, body, everything. Jermaine rudely shines the light from his prepaid cell phone (with no minutes) over her face and body to check her out. She's one of those high-seditty types that KNOWS she has it goin on. She shines the light from her own cell phone at all of us. She notices my glasses (Dolce & Gabbana) and mistakes me for the "businessman". Little did she know the businessman that came to see her had a whopping 16 dollars to his name and had on the tacky 100-dollar bill t-shirt.

Me: He's the one you're looking for. I'm Stuckey.

Miami: Ok den. Hey Stuckey i'm Miami.

Me: What's up.

Marcus: I'm the one you've been talking to on the phone. I'm Marcus.

Miami: Hey. Wassup Marcus? *shining her cell phone light at him*

Jermaine is walking around her like she's a car on the showroom floor shining his big ass cell phone (with no minutes) all over her. He hadn't said a word to her yet. I guess he figured she was the jackpot. She'd make Moments 2 sell like hotcakes. Hell, she'd make the COVER. Miami turns around trying to face Jermaine while he's walking around her. When their faces meet, she shines her cell phone light at him. Then at his t-shirt. She ain't the type to keep shit to herself.

Miami: And this must be Jermaine with the tacky-ass shirt?

I leave the porch to laugh.

Jermaine: That's aight. You still fine to me.

Miami: I know I am.

Jermaine: You can make this kind of money if you work in my company.

Miami: Is that right?

Jermaine: Hell yeah TELLHERMARCUSTELLHERSTUCKEY-HAHAHAHA!

Marcus: Yeah. He'll make you famous.

I don't say shit...

Miami: Stuckey's standin over there like he wants to be alone.

Me: Oh i'm cool. Jermaine's business is legit. Hear him out.

He goes into Donald Trump mode and starts pulling up pictures on his cell phone (that doesn't have ANY fucking minutes on it). Telling her the same shit he'd told Bridget, and Renee' earlier. While he's trying to "break her down" as he likes to call it, my phone goes off. It's Ranita. Trying to see if we're still coming to the Luau in Apple Valley. I tell her that we'll be there (knowing we wouldn't) and get her off the phone. I then call Sherod to explain how our day has gone thus far. By the time we're done tripping out and I hang up with him, Jermaine and Miami are setting up an appointment where they can do their thing. She agreed to let Jermaine record her stripping and she'd let him fuck her on camera for 450 dollars. It'd be a while before they recorded that shit. And I just KNOW he isn't gonna ask me for 450 dollars.

Jermaine: Me and my business partners here will get back with you though, Miami. We'll pay you up front and then we can get down to business. You're tailor made for my company. You gon' have yo moments YOUGONHAVEYOMOMENTS-HAHAHA!

Did he just refer to me as a business partner? I've never made a dime off his business. I doubt Marcus has either. After they get some details ironed out, Miami gives Jermaine an interesting proposition. She proposes that she can get him more women that'll do shit for money. Jermaine's first response to this literally made me choke on spit from laughing so hard.

Jermaine: CAN YOU GET SOME WHITE GULZ DATS BUILT LIKE DEY BLACK?!

Miami: Hell yeah. It ain't nothin to find some ho's.

I was interested in where this shit was going. 

Since Marcus had been doing all the talking to Miami up to this point, he figured it was a good opportunity to sneak in some points for himself. I mean, she was fine as hell. I don't blame him. He starts pushing up on her. Surprisingly, she blows him off because she's still talking about money. Marcus tries to explain to her that the business transaction is done and that she agreed to do stuff on film for 450 bucks. Now that that was done, he was just trying to talk to her (read: fuck her). She wasn't hearing any of that though. So since she wanted to talk money, he talked money with her. He asked her how much it would be for a private dance for him. No cameras involved. She said 75 bucks. He then asked her how much MORE to hit that. No cameras involved. She jumped all the way back up to 450. Amazing...i've met a slut that doesn't know how to sell herself right. She needs a pimp and QUICK. They actually got into an argument about it while Jermaine leaned up against her house looking stupid and I stood at the bottom of the porch hoping we weren't victims of a drive-by or something. After their little dispute, Jermaine asked Miami where she was going that night. Turns out she didn't feel like going to Rock-a-Billy's anymore. She was gonna go to Sinsations.

Jermaine tries to convince her to pick another club. He even invited her into my car to ride to Atlanta with us...and he told her we were going to Magic City. He failed to listen yet again when I told him we weren't going with him. A nigga with 16 dollars ain't callin no shots! But I refrain from busting his balls in front of his latest acquisition for Moments 2...he'd hear about it later. Miami is a bit lenient and says she'd go to Neon Cowboy. Just out of interest, I ask her why she was going to a bikini bar. She says that she'd find ho's there that were down for the cause. I guess Jermaine had found another "business partner". When she said Neon Cowboy, I thought about Red and the invitation I got from her. I told Marcus that if everything else fell through, we'd hit Neon Cowboy up. He called BARON and gave him the rundown. The conversation ended with Miami receiving a phone call in which she brought up the argument she just had with Marcus. Out of nowhere, she started cursing him out again. That was our cue to leave. That ho is crazy. We get the fuck out of Kitchen Pride and I call Sherod back. Great, he cancelled the Atlanta plans. Looks like it's Neon Cowboy for us...or is it? Our visit to Miami ended on a sour note. Did we really need to go there with her? Would she even show up at this point? I didn't have to think long about this, because as we headed to downtown Macon to see if there were any ladies walking the street waiting on clubs to open, Miami called Marcus. Asking if he wanted to get together with her alone sometime. WTF? She had JUST cussed him out and told him to "get the fuck away from her house". Whatever she was smoking had her going psycho. Anyway, we don't see much of anything downtown. It's too early at this point still. It's about 9:30. We ride up Riverside Drive past Sinsations and pull into the parking lot of a bank. BARON would meet us there. He had to go home and pick up his new stripper girlfriend from the same apartment complex Liyha stays in and we found that woman that had been beaten by her man and shit. Remember that?

Anyway, it took quite some time for Baron to get there since he was on the other side of town. We just sat in the parking lot tripping out and listening to music. I made peace with Jermaine since I'd been pissed at him for most of the day. From here we'd have a normal evening getting drunk and going to the strip club...I hoped. There was one problem though that i'd forgot about. There's no drinking inside the Neon Cowboy. We'd have to get booze from somewhere else and fast. They stop selling alcohol early on saturday night. It was 10 something when Baron pulled up. The stripper told me to wish my mom a happy mother's day for her. The next day, I did. We stopped at a liquor store before we got on the road going back to Warner Robins. We pulled up to the Neon Cowboy and started drinking. Jermaine doesn't drink, but he grabbed one of my Red Stripes and cracked it open. He drank half the bottle and wanted to hand me the rest.

Me: Man, don't waste my damn beer!

Jermaine: I drank most of it.

Me: No the hell you didn't.

Jermaine: Ok. I'll drank a lil mo'

I'd drank the other 5 beers in the 6 pack before he finished that 1. He's a pussy. Baron and his stripper girlfriend got wasted in their truck. Marcus decided to go in sober. Jermaine asks me if i'll buy him a dance before we go inside. I tell him that i'll think about it. He says that he'll also be looking for women that'll do private dances and stuff for Moments 2. Whatever. We pay and go inside. There's an ugly white chick dancing to Marilyn Manson's "Personal Jesus" up on the stage so all of us go straight to the pool room in the back. Jermaine stays up front talking to some chick. Soon as we get change and grab a table, Red comes out of the dressing room. She walks straight over to me.

Red: So you decided to come!

Me: Yeah, we're here. When do you go on?

Red: In about 30 minutes. But you can get a private dance whenever you want.

Me: How much?

Red: 35.

Me: And does that include touching?

Red: ...XD Sure. Why not? You didn't get yours earlier did you?

Me: No ;_;

Red: Well, catch up with me later.

Marcus and I shot some pool while Baron and his stripper girlfriend cuddled and shit. He left not too long after that. It's like they always say, don't bring sand to the beach. As we're shooting, a broad comes up to me and asks me if i'm Stuckey. I tell her I am and she tells me that she gave Jermaine a lap dance and he told her that i'd pay.

I told that fucker i'd THINK about buying him a dance. AND THIS GIRL WAS BUTT UGLY TOO! Since it was probably the only 10 dollars she'd make the whole night, I gave it to her. Then RAN out to where Jermaine was. Without saying a word, I decked him then sat next to him to let him explain. He tells me that he thought I said i'd buy him a dance. When I ask him to repeat that, he tells me something completely different. I stare at him for a long time and all I can do is smile. I tell him "You know. The way you treat people, i'm surprised you're still breathing. I should make you walk home." Then I get up and go continue my pool play. I was drunk so I wasn't as mad as I would've been. He's lucky for that. I end up getting Red alone in a private booth and we finished what we started. You see, she'd gotten her's earlier because she had her clit pierced. She came like 3 times in that booth. It was obvious to some of the folks outside that we were fuckin when we came out. The bouncers didn't give a shit though. This is Warner Robins after all. For the most part, the rest of the night went pretty smooth. We left when they closed at 4am and I dropped the guys off and went home. Jermaine says he's still gonna work on Moments 2. Hell, the first one wasn't made in 1 day either.

That's the story folks. Thanks for reading. 



05-30-2007, 11:02 PM 
This Ain't a Porno, Dawg.

I'll get into the stories about Saleem later on. I'll just put up something short from years ago to get the thread back on track. This takes place in my girl's apartment her sophomore year of college. Back then, up until her senior year, she had a roommate named Renee (pronounced Ree-Nee). Renee was somethin like a pimp. On one hand, she knew what she was doing in the bedroom. I'M NOT SAYING THIS FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. I've never fucked any of my girl's buddies, but I say this because of the fact that Renee had tons of guys wrapped around her little finger. She didn't fuck with the broke college students. She was fuckin with the graduates. The doctor and lawyer types. One time, a guy INSISTED on buying her a brand new Cadillac Escalade all because she'd saw one on tv and said she liked the way it looked. Renee didn't need anything like that from them though. That'd give the guys too much control. She did allow them to fly her places to vacation and stuff like that. All the time.

Another story for another time, she also used to teach my girlfriend different ways to make me bust a nut (like I said, another story for another time).

Now look-wise, she ain't Beyonce' or nothin, but she certainly doesn't look bad. Her body is the killer, but she had an average face. I think it's also her confidence and just the way she carries herself that had guys all over her. She was the type of chick that didn't mind stepping to a dude. She wasn't the type that thought "women aren't supposed to do that" and it's something guys responded to. The guy in this story (I don't know his name, nor does Andrea...and I don't even think Renee got his name that day), is one of the guys that she approached. She bagged him pretty quick from what Andrea and I were told. One day when I was at their place spending some QT with my girl, Renee walks in with this dude. The both of them have shopping bags in their hands. They'd been to The Limited, Express, Macy's, etc. buying up stuff. This clean-cut lookin dude came in and spoke to the both of us but didn't introduce himself by name. Renee didn't speak to us at all when she came in (not being rude, she probably had her mind on something else...she just looked at us and smiled). They didn't waste any time going into Renee's bedroom.

Me: You know that one?

Andrea: Nope. Never seen him before.

Me: You think she's gonna let him splat? (splat = get his rocks off/fuck/bust a nut/etc)

Andrea: Probably. That guy probably spent a lot of money.

Me: How come she doesn't ever get these guys to buy you stuff?

Andrea: That's what I got you for!

Me: Ahh...

So we were watching some movie. It's been so long ago that I don't remember what it was, but sure enough after 15 or so minutes, we heard them fucking. Renee was very talkative during sex. I think that's what drove the guy's crazy when they went in her room. She was very specific when she told them what to do to her and what she wanted to do to them. I won't go into detail about any of that, but not long after they started, the guy did the wrong damn thing. 

He smacked her on the butt. Hard. We heard it loud and clear out in the living room with the TV on and at a rather high volume. Then he did it again. Oh wait, that wasn't him smacking her on the butt again. That was her hitting him back...in the face...with a back-hand. His manhood had been taken. It was quiet in the room after that. After a few minutes, the guy walks out of the room and straight out of the apartment not even looking in our direction. We wait on Renee to come out because we know she's gonna give us details.

Renee: That mothafucka...

Andrea: What happened?

Renee: We were on the floor doggy-style and out of nowhere he smacked me on the ass. I don't play that shit.

Me: He did it twice didn't he?

Renee: No. We were done after he did it once. Then I smacked his ass back.

Andrea & I: XD

Me: You serious?

Renee: Yeah, I back-handed that mothafucka. 

Andrea: He let you keep all your stuff?

Renee: He didn't have a choice!

Me: So what's the guy's name?

Renee: *shrug* What are yall watchin?

From there, the conversation went to something else. I know it's nowhere near as crazy as other stuff i've put in here, but it's something that I haven't forgotten about and probably never will. Renee is a defense attorney now...a rich one. 


06-01-2007, 06:31 AM 
We Got Your Back...

At Rock-a-Billy's this past Saturday night, I was out there all kinds of slap drunk as you would expect. I was out there with G (from Get (off) On The Bus), Twin (from Legend of Laina), Rodriguez (from several other stories...he works at The Rock), Co-Co (Neiko Lipscomb. He'll be playing football for the University of Alabama as a CB this upcoming season. Watch out for him.), and of course my boy Sherod. 

Now the whole bunch of us practically grew up together. It's rare that we can all get out at the same time and chill anymore because of our job schedules and shit. So when we are able to hang out, we go all out. Buying out the VIP section of the club and shit like that. This night we didn't do that though. We were just walking around getting drunk for the most part. Anyway, Co-Co was the most inebriated of the bunch. As it were, he starts talking to this girl. Flirting and shit. He eventually ends up grabbing the girl's ass which she didn't appreciate. She goes to get her man who naturally comes over wanting to fight Co-Co. G steps in between them to calm the situation down:

G (to the angry boyfriend): Man, you don't want this. Our boy was wrong for messing with your girl. We got him under control. Just go about your business.

Angry boyfriend still stands there pissed. I guess he hadn't noticed the whole lot of us yet. We approached him in the "you got a problem?" sort of manner, and he backed down and walked away. So we continued to enjoy our evening (keeping an eye on Co-Co so he doesn't get his ass kicked. he can hold his own for sure, but he's drunk as FUCK). A few minutes later, angry boyfriend comes RIGHT back over to us and pushes the shit out of Twin. 

Ok pause. Now, the system we've always had as far as one of us getting into trouble is this. We got your back no matter what. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SPEAK UP AND/OR HIT THE GUY. We will follow suit NO MATTER WHAT as long as you follow this rule. Back to the story.

Twin, after getting shoved, does nothing at all. He just gets punked. So we don't come to his aid. I guess he likes getting shoved or something. I was in the mood for mischief though, so I went and got Rodriguez (who like I said, works at The Rock as a bouncer) and told him what happened. He followed me down to where we all were standing and asked Twin "which one of these niggas pushed you?". Twin pointed him out. I laughed and turned to all the guys saying "watch this! watch this!" The scene went like this.

Rodriguez: *tapping angry boyfriend on the shoulder* You push my boy?

Angry Boyfriend: Pushed who?

Rodriguez punched the shit out of the guy. He fell on his back with his legs up in the air. I laughed so hard I choked on my beer. Everybody else started tripping out too.

Angry Boyfriend's girl: *tapping Rodriguez on the shoulder* Why'd you hit him?! Why'd you hit him?!

Rodriguez: BITCH I'MMA HIT YOU TOO IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!

I had to prop myself up on the bar. I was laughing so hard I was running out of air. Rodriguez walked over and gave Twin some dap then went back to his post. The rest of the evening went smoothly, but we've been cracking on Twin pretty hard ever since. This isn't the first time he got punked either.

Back in high school, we were having a water-fight one friday after school had ended. We had smuggled waterguns and balloons and stuff with us that day and after school let out we just went down to the football field with some chicks and went buckwild. It started on the football field, but we used the whole school for our war. It was a bunch of us so if you were walking around campus by yourself looking for someone to shoot, it was a good chance you were walking into an ambush. Anyway, it had already rained earlier that day so the ground was wet and shit. About an hour or so after we started the water-fight, Twin comes around COVERED in mud. We asked him what happened...

Twin: Man, I ran up on this dude while he was leavin in his car and shot him with a watergun through his window. I THOUGHT HE WAS IN THE WATER-FIGHT!

Me: Ok...so what did he do?

Twin: He got out the car and hit me in the mouth. Then he drug me through the mud.

Me: *holding back laughter* Ok...so what did YOU do?

Twin: Came and got yall!

Me: O_o

We couldn't catch up with the guy to kick his ass because he'd left in his car. Twin's a good guy but he seriously needs to man up. 



06-10-2007, 06:55 PM 
Justice. One Way or Another.

So there was this family that moved to Macon from New York maybe 2 years ago. The mother of this family (I can't use their names and you'll soon see why) works with Sherod's wife at the hospital and her 2 daughters and 1 son began attending school here (1 goes to school with Sherod's little sister). This story is about 1 of the daughters and her 17th birthday. And how my hatred for a certain type of person drove me to do something that all of you might consider insane, but to hell with it. In my mind it had to be done. You see, on this girl's 17th birthday, her boyfriend took her out that afternoon. It was last Sunday. As the evening went on, her mother started to notice that it was getting late and they had not come back yet. Then it got REALLY late. Still no sign of her. The mother called the girl and her boyfriend all through the night and never got in touch with anyone. She didn't hear back from the boyfriend until the next morning. When the mother asked where her daughter was, the boyfriend says "I dropped her off at Crystal Lake."

Crystal Lake is an apartment complex on the south side of town. Name sound familiar? Yeah, the Friday the 13th movies. Macon's Crystal Lake isn't too far from being something out of a horror movie because it's in the hood and a lot of shit goes on there. Late last year, a child with autism who had a fondness of water, snuck out of the house while his mother was sleeping to go to the lake. He was found floating face down in the lake later on that night. Also, there are a lot of muggings, drug dealing, etc. going on in Crystal Lake...AND IT'S A GATED COMMUNITY!!! Directly across the street is Chamber Cove where Jermaine, Marcus, and I met Jermaine's Gargamel-looking twin cousins (The Return of Moments). Now you're wondering what I was wondering when I first heard the story.

"Stuckey, why would a man drop his girlfriend off there at night and leave her?"

When this family first moved here from New York, they lived in Crystal Lake. The mother recently bought a house (understandably far away from Crystal Lake) and moved her family in with her. The girl had friends that lived in Crystal Lake and wanted to see them that night saying that the friend would drop her off at home. However, instead of being a CARING boyfriend and making sure she got in her friend's apartment safely, he dropped her off at the fucking main gate so she'd have to walk through that complex at night to get to her friend's place. The boyfriend went home after that and went to sleep thinking no more of it. 

The girl never made it to that apartment. She was abducted by some men, thrown in a car and taken away. The mother filed a missing persons report with the police department, but get this. The police did NOTHING. The reason they gave was that she was now 17 so she was now an adult who could choose where she wanted to go and who she wanted to hang out with. I guess when you're no longer considered a child, it's ok to get abducted by strange men and BEATEN and RAPED repeatedly for FOUR. WHOLE. DAYS. I'm taking my wife and getting the hell out of Macon as soon as i'm able by the way (i'm sure you can understand that). Now, myself, Sherod, Sherod's wife, and his little sister were sitting in a Japanese Steakhouse when I heard about this. This was after the girl had been found and placed in the hospital so they could make sure she was ok. Only 1 arrest had been made, but more people were involved. This is where I get pissed off. After we finish dinner, I pull Sherod's sister to the side and ask her what the victim's name is. She tells me her name AND the boyfriend's name. Good shit.

Cause that's the first sonuvabitch I was gonna visit.

Sherod: You headed home or you wanna come by and play some Gears of War for a second?

Me: I'm gonna be honest with you. Call me crazy all you want, but i'm gonna go get some information. And then i'm gonna let a few niggas know that it's not ok to rape people.

Sherod, being my best boy for YEARS now. Since his little sister was in diapers and shit, didn't call me crazy at all. Know what he did?

Grabbed his pistol from his car, kissed his wife, then hopped in the passenger seat of my car.

Sherod: I feel you bruh. Cause if it would've been my little sister, i'd be doing the same thing.

Me: Good. We're going to find her boyfriend first.

I recently put a navigation system in my car. It came in handy that day, because to find where a person lives, all you need is their phone number. Since phone companies take down your address when you sign up with them, they're kinda linked. Sherod's sister was able to look his number up in a directory and we found him through that. The nav system led me right to him. We went up to the porch and knocked on the door and the guy answered. He looked like he was on the way out and we almost missed him. Since he was about to go, he came on outside and closed the door behind him. We introduced ourselves.

Sherod: What's up man. My wife works with (the victim)'s mother. We heard about what happened and that they only made 1 arrest.

Boyfriend: Yeah. I'm on the way to the hospital right now.

Me: We won't keep you long then. Do you know who she was going to visit in Crystal Lake?

Boyfriend: Yeah. This girl we go to school with.

Me: What's her name?

Boyfriend looks at us like WE'RE the rapists or something and starts to get a little scared.

Me: We aren't here for trouble, and we don't want to hurt her friend. Truthfully, I have a big problem with only 1 arrest being made and thanks to the sorry ass Macon Police, we have to find these people ourselves.

Boyfriend gives us the name. Before we leave, I have something else I need to get off my chest.

Me: Before you go sit with your girl at the hospital, I want you to understand something.

Boyfriend: What?

Me: It was fucking stupid of you to drop that girl off at the gate of Crystal fucking Lake. What the hell is wrong with you?

Boyfriend said nothing.

Me: You should've taken her through the gate, watched her go INSIDE her friend's door, hell I would've even went in the girl's place for a minute to make sure they weren't crazy before I left her like that. And what gets-

Boyfriend: Man--

Sherod: Shut up, dog.

Me: And what gets me, is that you aren't new to Macon. You KNOW what goes on over there and dropped her off, then didn't return her mother's calls. I'd hate to think you set her up.

Sherod pulls his pistol out.

Boyfriend: NO NO NONONONO!!! I DIDN'T DO THAT SHIT MAN! I'M THE ONE THAT TOLD THE POLICE WHERE SHE WAS BEING KEPT!

He started crying. Guns tend to do that when you ain't the one holding it. He told us that the police found her because she had got away from the men for long enough to dial her boyfriend's phone number. All she was able to say was "I'M IN FORT VALLEY!" before a man snatched her and hung the phone up. He called Fort Valley police and they went straight to where the girl was being kept. Apparently, this man was a registered sex offender already and that's how he was so easy to locate. We let the dude go and set off for Crystal Lake. Sherod called his sister again and she looked up the victim's friend. We got the phone number and took off.

Me: Man it's a good thing we didn't tell him our names. Since you pulled that gun out.

Sherod: The nigga was makin me suspicious.

Me: Understood. You might not wanna pull out on anybody else though...unless you plan to use it.

Sherod: You right.

We get to Crystal Lake, but forgot it was a gated community. She wasn't gonna buzz our asses through. Especially after her friend got abducted like that. I tried to talk to her from the call box, but had no luck. I just basically tried to see if she noticed any dudes hanging around out there with Byron tags on their car. Oh well. The last lead was the registered sex offender's list. Crystal Lake is right down the street from Wal-Mart where they keep a list of sex offender's posted on the bulletin board in front of the store (and many other stores in Macon). We got the information we could get, punched it in the nav system and took off for Fort Valley.

To make a long story short, by the time we made it to where we needed to be, the police were already there taking someone else in. The rapists got lucky there. If we would've found them first there would've been hell to pay.

Sherod's wife and one of her co-workers made the announcement at church this morning to make everyone aware of the fact that the police did nothing at all and we've met someone that works for the Macon Telegraph (our newspaper), who can get an article put in the paper about it. To let folks know that the Macon Police isn't worth a squirrel fart and stuff like that.

And that's what happened...I hate this city. 


06-15-2007, 12:16 AM 
Bike Week.

It was either 2 or 3 years ago i'm not too sure, but that was my one and only time going to Bike Week. If you're not familiar with Bike Week, it's like a street-party sort of thing down in Daytona Beach. Since it is on the beach, there's plenty of girls in bikinis, plenty of souped up bikes and cars, and plenty of trouble. It's like Freaknic was, but nowhere near as grimey. Anyway, myself, Sherod, Alex, G, Jamaal and one of his homeboys went down there. We got a couple hotel rooms and planned to stay the weekend. This is before Sherod got married (and back when I was still running up in any and everything) so when we bought the rooms, we had every intention of running broads in and out of there.

And they couldn't have given us a better room.

You see, we had some neighbors in that hotel room. The walls were pretty thin in there so if anyone raised their voice even a little, you could hear the whole conversation. Not long after we got in the rooms and got situated, I heard a man and a woman arguing in the room next door. Sounded like a pimp in a shouting match with one of his ho's. The conversation went sort of like this.

Ho: These niggas bullshittin out here! Every other guy that comes up to me is just talkin shit! Niggas broke out here!

Pimp: Look, bitch, are you standin where i told you to stand? I told you to stay between 2nd street and 5th. I know for a fact it's some money over that way. And don't be goin past 5th street because you KNOW what's gonna happen!

Ho: I need to go to wal-mart! I need some supplies! And these shoes are hurtin my feet!

Pimp: Ok, ok, damn. We'll go to wal-mart. What the hell you complainin about them shoes for? If you quit walkin around tryin to see the sights and shit, you wouldn't be hurtin. We ain't here on vacation. AND YOU BETTER NOT COME UP SHORT EITHER!

They keep going back and forth like this. By now, i've got everybody out of the room next door to ours so they could come in and listen. The plan was to listen long enough to catch them as they were about to leave to see what they looked like. Now Sherod and I don't pay for pussy, but we still wanted to be nosy. When they finally walked out of the room, I stuck my head out the door and let me tell you...I almost wanted to pay GOOD money for what I saw. The girls were unbelievable (there were 3 of them. 2 redbones and a white chick.) One of the pimps was black and the other was white. One of the redbones heard me say "DAMN!" under my breath. She turned around and smiled, but kept walking. We got all our shit situated in the room and went out on the strip.

Once we got out there to check out the chicks and the bikes, we noticed a small trailer along one of the streets with strobe-lights and shit going off inside of it. We needed a place to get some drinks and figured that place would be as good as any. We walk over and knock on the door. Some mexican cats are in there with strippers and booze. They're part of a bike club that comes down from Jersey every year. They don't have a problem with us coming in, but since we aren't in their bike group, we have to pay. No problem. We each give our donation and we come in and take a seat. I immediately notice the 2 redbones and the white chick that are our neighbors in the hotel in there dancing for the bike club dudes. It's my intention to have words with this chick that smiled at me earlier and see if I couldn't get a freebie with my charm ;). Once she finishes with one of the guys, I wave her over. Instead of standing in front of me dancing, she sits down beside me.

Broad: What you need baby?

Me: What you got?

She sorta points at herself to say "my body is what I got".

Me: What's your price?

Broad: These guys paid us pretty good, so I could just dance for a tip. (My GOD her pimp would kill her if he heard her say that.)

Me: I can handle that.

So she starts giving me a lapdance. While she's doing it, i'm trying to talk her into coming up to my room. She's a woman of very few words. I guess she wasn't the one that was in the room arguing and shit. She seemed really laid back, and because of that, the other guys in the trailer weren't paying her a lot of attention. I like the laid back types so I was all over her though. After a while, we got up and left to go to the room. Sherod yells "Damn nigga we just got here!" as i'm leaving. I couldn't believe he was surprised. Are any of yall surprised? 

Anyway, we get up to the room and sit on the foot of the bed. As i'm making casual conversation with her, she's pullin my meat out. It kinda catches me off guard and I start to ask her what she's gonna charge me (I still have no intention of paying for sex). She can sense what i'm about to say I guess and she just says "don't worry about it". So we awkwardly sit there talking like we were doing in the trailer except now she's giving me a handjob. As this leads to other things and I get ready to hit that, her phone rings. It's her son calling. That shit killed the mood so bad that I lost wood. I felt sorry for the chick at that point and didn't wanna take advantage of her. I had it in my mind that if we did something, i'd give her some money. And that's what I did. She loosened up a lot when we started fuckin. All the shyness went out the window (though it may have just been something she was taught to do...seeing as she's a ho and all). Anyway, after we finished, I went for my pants. She said "I told you don't worry about that. We made a killin off those mexican guys down there." I tell her that i'm not paying her for what we just did. And since that was the case, I didn't want her turning this money in to her pimp or whatever. She said she understood and took the money. That was that.

Until the next morning bright and early at 10AM.

We're in the room knocked out with hangovers and shit, and somebody comes to knock on the door. I go to answer it, and it's the chick from the night before. As she walks in, she notices everyone knocked out on the floor and shit. She thought that room was mine to myself I guess. She grabbed me and pulled me into the bathroom and gave me MORE TWAT! But this time it was different. She started crying in the middle of it. I had told her I was from Macon, Georgia the night before and we were there for the weekend. She wanted me to take her with me O_o

Of course that was a no go. But the boys chipped in and paid her for some dances and stuff so she could at least meet her quota ...XD The vacation was normal aside from that so that's my story. A few guys were talking about this year's bike week and I realized that I hadn't told yall this story before. 



06-19-2007, 07:15 PM 
My Transmission (and about 10 cents) Saved Me From a Trans-sexual.

So i'm at the house with Marcus. We're playin some Tekken: DR and drinkin some Corona's while I was burning a movie for him. As we're playing, I get an e-mail saying I have a new note on blackplanet. Now since the Santedra bullshit, I haven't fucked with blackplanet and will continue to stay away from it. I opened up the e-mail anyway and it said I had a message from someone whose name read "I Love To Give Head". I don't wanna put this person on blast so I won't say exactly how it's spelled on there. Anyway, when Marcus saw this he busted out laughing and demanded I go to blackplanet and open up this note. It seemed kind of odd that I got this message because people generally won't try to "meet" you on the net if you haven't logged on in over a year or something (which was the case with me). Anyway I go and check the message. It reads:

"hi"

Marcus wanted to have some fun with this person so I give him my seat at the computer so he can do his thing. He responded to the message and the conversation went like this:

Marcus: Hello. What's up?

ILTGH: Nothin. Bored.

Marcus: Me too. It's getting late and I can't sleep.

ILTGH: What would make you sleep better?

Marcus: Some of that in your name. What makes you sleep better?

ILTGH: Probably giving you some of what's in my name.

Marcus: Oh yeah? That makes you tired? You must put a lot of energy into it.

ILTGH: I put a lot of energy in it and drain a lot from you.

Marcus: Damn. You from Macon?

ILTGH: I sure am. Why don't you come get that blowjob tonight?

Marcus: Where do you stay?

ILTGH: Near Napier Ave.

At this point, I express to Marcus that this is probably either the ugliest woman in all of middle Georgia, or it's a guy. He opened the profile up and we learn that ILTGH is a 23 year old female in Macon, Ga. Upon seeing a picture of this person, I begged to differ (view at your own discretion):

http://fs.blackplanet.com/a76ff042d7...63e47/270x%7C1

I literally screamed out loud when I saw this picture. I'm sure some of you did too. Marcus asked the person as nicely as he could, "I don't want to offend you or anything, but are you really a female? You never can tell on the internet." ILTGH replies "Check my profile. I'm all woman. You gonna come and let me put you to sleep?", to which Marcus replies "no". And signs off. We laugh like hell about it, call Jermaine and laugh some more about it, then call Larry and laugh some more about it. The whole while sending the pic to them. After the movies are finished burning, we get ready to leave. I get another email saying I have a new note on blackplanet. I get back on there to see that ILTGH has left a message saying "why did you stop talking to me. we can still chat please" and then another saying "i'm a trans-sexual though" As I get ready to leave a message saying "sorry. i'm not into that", I recognize this person. The male version of this person anyway. This nigga went to Westside with Sherod and all my other friends when the high school split came. I even remembered his name. No doubt about it, he probably remembered me too. That'd explain why i'm getting notes from folks and I haven't even checked blackplanet since '06. I called him out on it, and being that I was halfway drunk off Corona's, I said some pretty ugly things. That got ILTGH all riled up and ready to fight (online ...XD). I told him/her to meet me at the Wal-Mart on Gray Hwy and talk that same shit to me.

Wouldn't you know, when Marcus and I went to the Wal-Mart on Gray Hwy (still laughing about the whole thing) to buy a couple DS games I could take to work, ILTGH was standing outside? Since he knew me from the high school days, I couldn't play it off either. I was the one talking all the shit and saying the nasty things. And I was the one he/she came to beat up on. This person is quite a bit bigger than me in weight and height btw, but there's 2 of us plus the police sit out in the parking lot all the time overnight at Wal-Mart. So you know what I did? Kept on talking shit. All the way to my car. When I hopped in and drove off, I saw ILTGH taking off toward his/her own car. An old-school SS Camaro. Dammit! Why do all stalkers have faster cars than me? First Jermaine's chat-line bitch, now this. I haul ass out of the parking lot and head to the interstate to take Marcus home. Sure enough, this Camaro comes screaming up beside me in the right lane. There's no use trying to outrun that thing, it's a beast. American fucking muscle. Luckily, Marcus used his head to get us out of this situation. Knowing ILTGH probably cares a lot about his/her car, he rolls down his window and grabs some pennies from my change tray. He starts pitching them at ILTGH's car. That'll show that gender-denial having sonuvabitch...

No it wouldn't.

ILTGH buckled his/her seatbelt and prepared to fucking ram us. One thing about American Muscle, it's fast as hell in a straight line. If you turn those tires, you're gonna lose something. So I had to time it right. When he/she turned the wheel to the right to get ready to come back and hit us, I down-shifted and jutted out in front of him/her. After the failed attempt to ram us, ILTGH lost control of his/her heavy-ass Camaro and lost a whole lot of speed trying to straighten it back out. I hauled ass and left him/her in the dust. I took the long way home after I dropped Marcus off through town. 

My appetite hasn't been worth a damn since. I'm gonna go make myself eat a burger or something.


06-24-2007, 04:43 AM 
Marcus Would Make a Great Kilik in a Soul Calibur Movie.

So last night we went to the Neon Cowboy (where Red works and where Jermaine conned me out of 10 bucks to pay for a dance from a fugly stripper). We head straight to the back to shoot some pool when we get there because none of the girls looked good (that were out on the floor). Back where the pool tables are at, there's 1 or 2 strippers shooting pool with some guys and 1 sitting near the slot machine chatting with a dude. The only table available was the one across from the slot machine so we snatched it up. As we're playing, BARON comes in. At the same time, Marcus is taking his shot. He's standing with his back turned to the stripper at the slot machine. When I yell "Le BARON!!!", Marcus looks up and simultaneously takes his shot. When he pulled the stick back to shoot, he hit the stripper square in the mouth. I couldn't help but laugh...even when we discovered that Marcus had knocked one of her teeth out. Oh and Erica (from The Gap) was there selling the strippers outfits. We caught up for a little while, but there's no story there.

So yeah, if there's ever a Soul Calibur movie. I'm makin this nigga audition for Kilik's role. He owned that broad. 


07-03-2007, 02:17 AM 
The Craziest Story I'll Ever Tell. (God-willing)

Ok, finally i'm bored enough to get into this one. So here we go. Make yourselves comfortable. It all starts back when I was a child. When we came to Macon to live with the rest of the family, there were a few things that we were instantly drawn to. The thing that's pertinent to this particular story is a restaurant. This restaurant was called Saleem's Fish Supreme. And the food they served (and still serve) was DAMNED GOOD. Oh my damn. Nothing in that place costs more than 10 bucks, and no matter what you order, you get more food than you'll be able to eat. The portions are gigantic and the food itself is flat out orgasmic. As a child, I wasn't able to eat the food they served very often. You see, they serve fish with the bones still in them and you have to pick the bones out as you eat. So I had to have the stuff fed to me when I was little. My mom and dad didn't feel like being bothered with that, so they'd get me food from somewhere else. Which would lead to me not wanting my shit and begging for stuff off their plates. If you ever tried the food in Saleem's, you wouldn't blame me. This place has been popular in Macon for as long as i've been in the city and for good reason.

I ended up meeting the owner of this restaurant, Mr. Saleem, when going in there with my dad one day. He had been coming there so often that they had become associates of sorts. So Mr. Saleem met me and called me "lil Chris". My dad's name is Christopher so i'm known as "lil Chris" among all his old friends and stuff because we look EXACTLY alike. I remember when I met him, he made me a special plate of food and picked all the bones out himself so my dad wouldn't have to. I thought Mr. Saleem was awesome as hell for doing that. And after that, I didn't see him much anymore. I'd later find out that my dad only went to that restaurant so much because one of the employees sold him dope when we went in there. I've only just now gotten over my boycott of the restaurant because of that. So yeah, when it was my choice to make, I didn't go to Saleem's Fish Supreme anymore.

So fast-forward to freshman year of high school. I started going to school with Mr. Saleem's 2 daughters, Daaiyah (Dye-ee-uh) and Duraiyah (Doo-rye-uh) Saleem. Duraiyah was a year ahead of me, but I was the same age as Daaiyah. We met and became pretty good friends through my boy Marco (yall remember Marco right? the nigga that beat off in my shower?). We were only associates because I really wasn't attracted to her. I like tall women and she was 4-foot-something. Nothing really redeeming about her physically, but she had plenty of money from her dad running the fish restaurant. Even though I grew to have a big problem with Saleem's, I didn't hold that against her. Her older sister Duraiyah was fine as fuck. Light skin, an early bloomer as far as the chest goes, and a much more "bubbly" personality. Since this story takes place before the split though (before they built Westside High and all my friends left me), I didn't see her often because most of her classes were in the building across the street. So myself, Marco, and Daaiyah were hanging out a lot at school. We all had the same lunch period, a lot of the same interests, and that sort of thing. I wasn't able to hang with Sherod, Rodriguez, and the others because they were in the other building as well. So I had to make due with them. 

Not long after making Daaiyah's acquaintance and the 3 of us being cool or whatever, Marco would tell me things about her dad, Mr. Saleem. He'd tell me about the things Saleem would do to keep his restaurant running smoothly. You'd think he wouldn't have any trouble at all because the place got plenty of business, but apparently he had some issues keeping the place open due to his criminal record. In case you haven't noticed by his name, Mr. Saleem and his family are muslim. So that basically means....

The story you're about to hear is about some MUSLIM mafia shit. If this sort of thing doesn't exist anywhere else, take comfort (or whatever) in knowing that it existed in Macon. And it was pretty fucked up. Especially the way it ended.

So among the things Marco would tell me, he'd tell me that Saleem sold dope, fake Tommy Hilfiger clothes (and other knock-offs), rob folks, and pimp.

Yeah. Let all that soak in. This nigga was eatin GOOD. No pun intended.

Now I took this stuff for face value because I didn't trust Marco as far as I could throw him when it came to females. Remember in the other story I told yall about all the phone numbers he had, yet never got any pussy? The thing is though, I had to halfway believe him about some of what he said about Saleem because of the situation with my dad. I couldn't find any of this out from his daughters without either A) coming out and asking them or B) fucking it out of one of them. I didn't wanna just walk up like "hey is your dad a gangster?", so i'd have to go with option B. And like I said, I wasn't attracted to Daaiyah. So you already know where this here is going. I'd need Sherod to "hook me up" with Duraiyah. Through this, the whole gang would get involved. A year later we'd get caught up in the Laina stuff.

Damn, I miss high school. It was adventurous as fuck. 

So one weekend when I was over at Sherod's house (it might've been that same weekend his cousin Kandi fucked the whole Southwest High School basketball team, or a weekend close to it), I asked him out of the blue did he know Duraiyah. He did and when he asked me why, I told him that I needed to see if I could get with her to find out more about her dad. You see, Sherod already knew about my dad's drug problem at that point. And when I explained to him that dad used to buy dope from Saleem's restaurant, he was more than happy to help me get to the bottom of things. It seems silly now, wanting vengeance for folks selling my dad crack when he was the one paying for it, but to my credit I was young and dumb back then. This reminds me though, I've never told yall exactly how me and my best friend in the world actually met have I? I guess i'll do that now.

When I was in the 7th grade and Sherod was in the 8th, my dad picked me up one weekend (he was able to come pick me up on weekends after the divorce was finalized) to take me to meet his new girlfriend, Deborah. He told me Deborah had a son around my age that was into video games just like I was and he thought that we'd end up being good friends. So we got to Deborah's house and I met Sherod and his little sister, Kendra. We ended up going to Pizza Hut that night where they had a Street Fighter 2 C.E. machine. We played a shitload of times and rather enjoyed it. I owned him up with Bison (Bison owns 2D games. BISON BITCHES.), but he had a pretty good Ken and held his own. From there, we did a lot of hanging out and what not. I ended up meeting a lot of his cousins and stuff (such as Rodriguez, Garan, and others) along with some of his close friends (like Alex). This was sort of my extended family because I'm the only child in my family and I don't have a lot of cousins and stuff in Macon. There's plenty in Indiana (where i'm from), but that didn't do me any damned good. Several months later, my dad and Deborah broke up. And as I got ready to leave with my dad, Sherod and I agreed that we wouldn't let their bullshit break up our friendship. We've been best boys ever since. So yeah, back to the story at hand.

He said he'd get Duraiyah's number for me since they had a class together and that was that. When he finally got it for me, I gave her a call and to my surprise, it was actually kinda easy getting with her. For anyone that might care, Duraiyah is the second person I ever fucked ...XD (or the first person I ever cheated with if you wanna look at it that way ;_; ). Daaiyah had plenty of nice things to say about me and she made sure Duraiyah didn't pass up on the chance to get to know me. Since I was still kinda new to fucking (I could make my girl cum and what not, but hadn't A) got my confidence up to make someone else cum or B) realized that I didn't give a shit whether they got theirs or not), it took me a while to get to that point with her. We did a lot of talking about school and stuff that wasn't important until one day I just got fed up. The conversation as I remember it went like this:

Me: Can I ask you a personal question?

Duraiyah: Yeah?

Me: Have you ever....?

Duraiyah: Huh?

Me: Are you a virgin?

Duraiyah: Oh! Well...yeah.

Me: Oh...

*weird silence* (I was a pussy back then)

Duraiyah: Are you asking me to have sex with you?

Me: You make it sound so casual...

Duraiyah: Well, I am a virgin. What do you expect?

Me: Uh. So you wanna do it?

Duraiyah: You serious? You want ME?

She actually sounded surprised that anyone wanted to sleep with her. It was very strange because like I said, she had her shit together. I had to know why she was so amazed by this.

Me: Is that hard to believe or something?

Duraiyah: Well, kinda. My last boyfriend would never have sex with me because he was scared of my dad. A lot of boys are scared of my dad. People say a lot of things about him around here.

Me: Like what?

Duraiyah: Crazy stuff. My dad is a nice guy. And besides, why does he have to know who I have sex with? He isn't here that much anyway.

That was all I needed to know. All I needed was a ride to her house. I'd take that pussy, and through that, take my revenge on the evil Saleem.

I was pretty fuckin stupid back then huh? 

So yeah, i'd need a ride to her place in order to keep things moving. At that time, the only one of the guys that was driving was Rodriguez. He had his learner's permit, but his mom trusted him enough to take the car sometimes. I asked him for a ride and told him what I was trying to do. At his earliest convenience, he came by my house to get me and was gonna drop me off over there. This was a couple weeks after Duraiyah guaranteed me some action. Anyway, I get there and almost don't want to get out of the car. If you seen Saleem or either of his daughters, you'd think they had a nice house in a nice part of town or something. That ain't the case. To put it plainly, their house looks HAUNTED. Seriously. Some Amityville Horror type shit. Rodriguez wouldn't let me run from pussy though. He talked me into going in there to handle my business. I went up on the porch to knock on the door and saw a dead bird on the porch covered in ants. I figured I had got myself into some fucked up shit at this point. Duraiyah came to the door and moved from the doorway so I could come inside, but I didn't right away. You know, because I was scared of their house and shit.

Duraiyah: Come on in. My parents aren't here.

So I eased on in and took a look around the place. It really didn't look that bad inside. The living room was huge and it was the first house i'd been in where there was a ceiling fan in the living room that you couldn't reach without a ladder. The thing was WAY up there and the house itself was 2 stories. I didn't have much time to admire shit before Duraiyah drug me to her room. She was the virgin, but oddly she wanted to tell ME what to do. I guess she had the first time playing out in her head for a while and wanted it to be like she pictured it. She wanted to make out for X amount of minutes. Blow me for X amount of minutes while I pushed her head down on it. All this shit. I figured she'd been watching too much porn or something like that. The experience certainly wasn't bad, but kinda strange. And after it was over, we lay in the bed while I asked stuff about her and her family. She told me that her dad is given a bad rap for a lot of things that go on in Macon because he's bringing more business into his restaurant than the other family-owned joints in the area. And because he's black, and muslim, and all this other stuff. She told me her mom was crazy and fought with her dad a lot because she didn't want to help him run the business, but still wants money to buy things she wants and such. A lot of shit like that that didn't really help matters much. Somewhere in her rambling and me laying in the bed with her wanting to hit it again, I realized what I was doing was dumb.

I fucked her again...then again...then we fell out of touch. Who was I to go after Saleem? My dad was just as much at fault for his drug problem for even going to the places where he could get it. So I just said fuck it. Not long after that, Saleem went to jail. The reason why, is pretty much why I call this story the craziest one i'll ever tell. It goes like this:

Saleem's stayed open till 2am on Friday and Saturday nights. So on those nights when there wasn't a lot of people around the restaurant, that's when some things would go down at the restaurant. People getting their ass whooped, hookers turning tricks, gambling, drug sales, the works. So on one of these Friday nights when this went on, Saleem's wife (Duraiyah's "crazy" mother), came into the restaurant to see him for something. She saw some things she shouldn't have seen and hurried out of the restaurant to go home. The next morning, police were out in front of Saleem's house and they were talking about a murder on the news. Saleem's wife had died by apparent suicide. Authorities said she hung herself...from the ceiling fan in the living room. Remember me saying that fan was WAY up on the ceiling? I don't see how she could've reached that shit on her own without a ladder or something. Get this though, there wasn't a ladder in the living room when her body was discovered. Now maybe, just maybe, she used a ladder to attach the rope to the ceiling fan, then moved the ladder before she put her neck in the noose, but that just seems unlikely to me for someone that wants nothing more at the moment than to die. Also, the fact that she saw some of this "mafia" shit at the restaurant the night before gave Saleem a motive to do his wife in. So we believe to this day that Saleem has some cops on payroll. Because check this out...

Duraiyah told me that Saleem killed his wife in that living room by choking her, then hung her dead body from the ceiling fan afterwards...while both their children watched! Yeah. Duraiyah and Daaiyah saw the WHOLE thing. Watched their mom get killed. Then watched their dad try to cover it up to make it suicide. He didn't spend more than a week in jail for the incident. And nothing was ever pinned on him. To this day he's still running that restaurant. But it doesn't stay open late like it used to anymore. I guess after that shit went down, the place became 100% legit. So that's the story. I've included a picture of his restaurant. As fucked up as the story is, you should go try the food if you're ever in Macon. Shit is too good. 



07-10-2007, 07:29 PM 
It's Probably Safer Without Girls.

As usual, I was reminded of some shit that went down some years back. And as usual, I called some friends to "reminisce" about it to make sure I have the story straight when I go to type it. This one here is about a weekend of hanging with the boys and playing paint-ball...with some special guests. Summer of '02 to be exact.

First, a run-down of the participants.

Me - you all know too much about me as it is.

Paintball style - At the end of the matches, I was normally the cleanest person of the bunch. I was the type that would climb trees and camp and shit. Basically I was a pussy. Paintballs hurt. But I made sure I hurt plenty of people and they had no idea where I was mostly.

Sherod - you know by now it's rare that my brother from another mother is not involved in a story I post somehow. Paintball was his idea.

Paintball style - The complete opposite of mine. He was the "BANZAIIII!" type of dude that ran around the whole time wide open. The Naruto of the bunch if you will. (nerdy reference I know)

Rodriguez - My boy took time from his busy schedule of pimpin the ladies to come play with us.

Paintball style - He was the main damn one that found me all the time. He's by far the most athletic out of the bunch plus he thinks outside the box a lot. He set traps for folks.

Garan - Came through with the location for us to play. Provided most of the laughs.

Paintball style - he aimed for everybody's genitals. Enough said.

Freaky - Showed up with Rodriguez. This was my first time meeting him.

Paintball style - Being that he's the shortest of the bunch, he was hard to find and hard to hit. He liked to melee' people too.

Alex - Big Alex luckily got time off from Geico to come play. This wasn't long after he'd gotten a promotion.

Paintball style - He's a big dude so he was a big target. He also had good aim though.

Saija - FINE ASS ASIAN CHICK. We met her at the KFC near where we were playing. I talked her into playing with us, then made a bet with Freaky that I could fuck her first.

Paintball style - She stunk at paintball. We didn't go easy on her just because she was fine either.

Asap - That is this bitch's real name. A white chick that wishes more than anything that she was black. At the time, she would give ANYTHING to have a black penis in her. Didn't really matter who's it was. Saija brought her. One of her college buddies.

Paintball style - Couldn't even keep up with her damn gun. She filled out those fatigues pretty nice though.

Twin aka Darrell - The one that got punked in the club. The one that got drug through the mud after school one day.

Paintball style - If he got hit too much, he'd complain that we were ganging up on him. He's pretty good with a gun though.

Crocker - Looks like 2pac. Didn't stay long when he came, but it's always nice to see him.

Paintball style - He watches too many movies. He was out there on some MacGuyver shit puttin paintballs in sling-shots and stuff.

So yeah, it was the 10 of us at a little camp-ground joint for a weekend of paintball. I'm typing this on my phone from work so check back for more of the story periodically.

And don't remind me of anymore of these lol. 

So one day i'm at TJ Maxx, and I get a call from Sherod. I had to ignore the call since I was working, but he left a voicemail. In the voicemail, he says he's thinking about getting the crew together to play some paintball. I hesitate to accept his offer because i'd been hit with those things before and they hurt like hell. I failed to see how something like that could be fun. It didn't take long for me to realize that it'd have to be fun simply because I was out there with my peoples. So I gave Sherod a call back and told him I was down. He told me then that he had about 4 or 5 other people that were down to play at that point and wanted me to spread the word to some of my other friends. At that time, the most recent friends I had made were ShinkuuR, Footsie, Jay, Tim, and Ethan. They were all up at Georgia Southern and the only person I could contact at the time was Footsie since i'd left Southern. I really didn't feel like dealing with him so I couldn't reach the others (sorry Shinkuu). That left the arcade folks (most of whom I mentioned in 'Careful With 'That' One'). They weren't too interested so we ended up with just the 10 I mentioned in the intro.

After we all pretty much said we were down to do it, it was a matter of when and where. Sherod and Garan handled most of that (like they normally do when we gather to do crazy shit). Garan ended up meeting some guy in Forsyth (between Macon and Atlanta) that had a shitload of land and some cabins that he used to rent out to people that wanted to ride 4-wheelers. Someone had gotten hurt pretty bad (i'm talking severed limb bad) on a 4-wheeler and he had to get out of that line of work though. So he had no problem with letting us use the cabins and the land for a weekend for a flat fee. We all ponied up the money we needed, then went and bought supplies. It was just a matter of us all being able to go at the same time because Alex, Twin, and Crocker had all landed jobs at Geico and had to work all the damn time. Plus, Rodriguez had just been promoted to management at his job and what not. Eventually we were able to sync up. We paid the man and got ready to do this shit. When the weekend came for us to head out, we all met at the mall in the arcade. We decided who was driving what and where we were leaving cars and all that shit. Friday evening we headed to Forsyth.

We were just gonna play Saturday and Sunday so when we got there friday, we spent a lot of time playing madden and on the phone with our significant others (or our freaks...). Like I said, this was my first time meeting Mark (aka Freaky). Rodriguez had told him what happened to me after graduation when I accidentally caught Heather with surprise butt-sex at a party (Soul in the Other Hole) and he was tripping out about it. He had no idea that I had a lot of other stories to run by him. He had several for me too (including one where he fucked his girl's mom while she was throwing up in a barf-bag...too fuckin funny). Before it got too late, we decided that we should run out for some eats so we headed out to see what we could find. We came across a KFC first so we just said fuck it and went in. As we're all ordering, this chick walks in and gets in line. This asian chick with a shirt cut-off to show her stomach, some tight ass jeans and high-heels. For a second, I thought I was falling in love with the chick or something. Back then, I didn't have much of a conscious about this sort of thing, so I got out of line to talk with her.

Me: Miss?

Asian Chick: Yeah?

Me: Are you from around here?

A.C.: Yep.

Me: Please tell me this isn't the only restaurant yall have.

A.C.: Of course it isn't *smiles* but it's the only CLEAN one.

Me: Damn. Guess we lucked up.

A.C.: What are all of yall doing out here?

Me: We're the Black Chippendales. We're performing later on.

A.C.: ...XD Must be a private show. We don't have any clubs.

Me: I should've known.

A.C.: No really, why are yall in Forsyth?

Me: We came to play paintball. As boring as this place is, i'd suggest you come with us.

A.C.: Where are you playing? 

Me: Rented some land not far from here. We got it for the weekend.

Freaky: You should come play with us. Don't be alarmed, we're not rapists.

A.C.: XD No, you're Chippendales. You should be worried about getting raped yourself.

Me: ...XD You're a smartass. Now you definitely should come play.

A.C.: Thanks, but I got plans this weekend.

Me: Understood, miss...?

A.C.: Saija.

Me: Understood, miss Saija. I'm Stuckey.

Freaky: I'm Mark.

I introduce everybody else.

Me: We shake our asses for cash. You should call me sometime for a private show. In this wack town i'm sure you could use one.

Saija: ...XD Ok i'll call you sometime. 

We exchange numbers and finish ordering our shit then we take a seat. Saija gets her's to go. After she leaves, my fan club sounds off.

Sherod: That's my boy!

Alex: Goddamn, Stuc!

Rodriguez: I'm gonna be like you one day.

Me: I gotta stop you right there. I couldn't hope to get nearly as much ass as you.

Rodriguez: Whatever...

Garan: CALL THAT FREAK!

Me: Definitely calling her later on.

Freaky: Damn she was tight. You lucky bastard.

From there, Freaky ended up challenging me on who could hit first. I let him get the number as well and we made our bet. After we finished eating and got back to the cabins, Saija calls me. She wants to come through and play with us the next day all of a sudden. When I asked her why she had the change of heart, she said she told her friend Asap about meeting me and my friends. Asap demanded that they come play with us after Saija had told her "they were ALL pretty cute too". They'd need some gear so I said i'd get them some guns and helmets. Saija tells me where the Wal-Mart is and not to worry about clothes. They'd dig some stuff up. When I got off the phone, the VERY first thing I did was tell Freaky that Saija was coming through with a friend of hers. We'd find out sooner than later who'd get the pussy first (truth be told, I wouldn't have minded being second. she was that fine). So we all got up and went to Wal-Mart so I could get the girls' stuff and so we could get junk-food and such. Freaky was the only one old enough to buy booze so we had him load us up on that too. We spent the rest of the night with me on the phone with Saija and everyone drinking and having a mini-Madden tournament.

Crocker won it. 

So after Crocker busted our ass in Madden (and took the 100-dollar pot), we got situated and went to sleep. I remember laying there for a while fantisizing about Saija. I'm a different type of dude than most though. I never have and never will beat my shit. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but as long as i'm able to get some from somewhere, I don't think I could get off to doing that. I ended up falling asleep and dreaming about something COMPLETELY different after a while. When I got up, several of the guys were already outside trying their guns out on different targets and shit. I decided that instead of doing that shit, i'd get up and take a walk around some of the land where we'd be playing. Fuck gettin shot up by paintballs, i'm gonna find some nooks and crannies to tuck myself away in. I already know my aim is on point (or at least I was confident enough in it). I walked around for a little while until it was time for me to ride to KFC to meet Saija and her homegirl. I asked Freaky if he wanted to ride with me in all fairness to our bet, but he declined. "All in due time, brotha" he says. So I head out by myself while the guys practice and the ones who hadn't woke up yet are gettin up. I get to KFC and the broads are late. They pull up about 20 minutes after I did. They dressed alike sort of. I don't remember the last time I saw some shit like that. Saija had on some white/gray/black fatigues while her buddy Asap had some identical blue ones. We stood outside for a moment so I could get acquainted with this Asap chick.  

I gotta be honest. Saija is without a doubt the cuter of the two, but she's thin and sporty. Asap has a big ol' ass and looked damn good in her little get-up. She caught me checking her out and liked it. But at that point, i'd only been with 1 Asian before and thought it was about time for another. We got back in our cars and shit and they followed me back to the spot. When we pulled up, I got out first and Freaky, Rodriguez (we call him 'Dreek for short btw. I'll be using that sometime.), and Twin came around the back of the cabin. I gestured to them that Saija's friend is the shit as i'm walking toward them. When they got out of their car, they could see what I was talking about. Rodriguez's heavy-handed ass snatches me up and hugs me. I swear this cat should join the UFC or somethin.

Rodriguez: My boy! I'm gonna be like you one day! (he liked white girls a lot)

Me: Shit. You can have that one. I'm working on the other.

Freaky: We're working on the other.

Me: May the best man win.

Freaky: Oh yes.

So the girls walk up and meet and greet everybody. I head on around to the back to get Sherod, Alex, Garan, and Crocker. I'm assuming we're gonna split up into teams when we do this so we'd go around front and pick. The first thing I say to them when I get back there is "Man...that girl Saija brought with her is ill."

Alex: Oh yeah?

Me: Man, body-wise that shit is ridiculous.

Sherod: Oh hell yeah.

Me: She's a white chick though.

Garan: Bitch, I don't give a damn! Where dem freaks??

Alex: Man you know better. That shit doesn't matter to us.

Me: ...XD They're in the front.

We all walk around to the front and the girls get to know everybody. Asap just met us and she already has her arm around 'Dreek and Freaky. Saija walks back up to me when I come back around to the front and asks me to show her where we'll be playing. Directly behind the 2 cabins, there's a big clearing. Like a picnic area. She thinks we're gonna run around in the clearing to play which is dumb.

Me: How fun would that be? We'd all know where everybody is and we'd run out of ammo too quick. We're playing back there in the trees.

Saija: You don't think we'll get lost back there?

Me: We can get lost if you want to.

Saija blushes a little.

Me: But there's signs back there to help you find your way back here. The guy that owns this land used to rent it out for people to ride their 4-wheelers on the trail.

Saija: Ok. As long as it's safe.

Me: Oh no. The last thing I want you to do is think it's safe. I'm here to kick some ass today.

Saija: ...XD You aren't gonna go easy on me? I've never played before.

Me: If you're on my team you have nothing to worry about...except everybody else. ;)

We start to walk back to where everybody is, but they're heading in our direction. We meet halfway.

Twin: Ok how we gonna do this shit?

Sherod: Let's pick teams or somethin.

Me: Who's our captains?

Garan: I don't give a fuck! I'ma put somethin in all yall!

Freaky: Why don't we let the ladies be the captains? Yeah, let's let them pick the teams. That way it won't be so obvious.

We agree to do it that way. We line up while the ladies stand across from us. Alex says "Man I bet you they pick my big ass last." and I remember damn near choking to death on my spit when he said it. I don't remember the exact order of how we were chose, but I do remember which team was which. After the girls made their selections, the rosters ended up like this:

Saija's Team:
Stuckey
Garan
Freaky
Alex

Asap's Team:
Rodriguez
Twin
Sherod
Crocker

Sherod had brought some flags for us to put on to distinguish friend from foe. Saija's team was the Red team and Asap's was the blue team. None of us had ever played this before so we didn't know the object of the game. So we decided to play rounds. We would do best out of 7 and keep a tally of the points and shit on a piece of poster board we had stuck up on one of the cabins. I don't remember the exact method we had for keeping score, but I know head-shots meant you were out of the round and friendly fire meant you were a bitch (according to Garan). We'd start the round by a captain counting to three then shooting a paintball into the air. What followed was a lot of fun. I'm not sure exactly why I didn't post this one yet. Probably because I don't remember a whole bunch of the details. The following is more or less all my friends' different accounts of the shit and the shit I remember (the main shit). 

I tried to give the best description I could about the way the guys played over the course of the weekend in the intro. Garan was running around trying to shoot people in the junk and in the nipples and shit like that. Freaky stuck close to Saija most of the time, but didn't really protect her from gettin fucked up. The guys on the other team didn't go easy on her at all. Alex got hit a lot, but I don't remember him ever missing someone he aimed at. We accused him of lying when he said he'd never shot a gun before. Me, I camped out most of the time like those folks that play Halo/Unreal Tournament that piss you off because they always got a perch somewhere that's hard to flush them out of.

Except 'Dreek flushed the SHIT out of me several times. One time, he rolled up behind me and hit me in the back of my neck just below where the helmet stops. Bruised me pretty bad with that one. That's one of several highlights I remember about the actual paint-balling. Others include:

- Sherod running through the woods yelling "MOOOOORTAL KOOOOMBAAAAAAATTTT!" and singing the theme song. His tech roll was also hilarious.

- Freaky melee-ing Twin and turning his helmet sideways.

- Asap running up to me (i'm on the opposing team), and asking me have I seen 'Dreek (also on opposing team). I put 2 in her point blank.

- Saija accidentally running up on 2 opposing team members and dropping her gun and surrendering. They shot her anyway.

- Twin getting shot in the balls by Garan and quitting.

- Alex shooting Crocker while he's on his fuckin cell phone in the middle of a match.

- Me falling in a ditch trying to run from somebody who was actually on my damn team.

Etc. Etc. I wish I remembered it better so I could post the matches in detail. The crazy part comes after we've all finished playing and got cleaned up and all that. When we got ready to get food, I just said fuck it and hopped on the interstate back to Macon. Forsyth is only probably 45 minutes away (maybe even less than that). On the way to Applebee's, Freaky rubs in the fact that Saija had been all over him while they were playing. Everybody else in my car (Sherod, Rodriguez, and Garan) was talking about Asap still. I congratulate Freaky on getting in good with her and confess that I was more interested in not getting my ass shot than getting her in the bed during the matches. Guess I lost that round. Like I said earlier, I really didn't care if I got her second. As long as I got her. We pull up to the restaurant and go inside to get a long ass row of tables and such. Much to Freaky's surprise, Saija pulls up a seat next to me at the table. Freaky had tried to sit on the other end to keep her away from me just KNOWING she'd come sit with him. After all, he had her back when we were playing. I'm sure she appreciated it and all, but it looked like i'd win this round. She wanted to tell me about all the things that happened to her while we were playing since she hardly ever saw me (no one did except Rodriguez). 

Saija: Mark took a bullet for me in the first round. After that I was gettin shot from everywhere.

Me: Not me.

Saija: Yeah I noticed. You were pretty clean still when we finished.

Me: I'm a coward. I got hiding places.

Saija: Oh ok. When we play again, i'm gonna have to be with you instead.

Me: Oh, so yall are playing tomorrow too?

Saija: If that's alright. 

Me: Of course it is. I hope we end up on the same team again.

Saija: Yeah. We can get lost like you said ;)

Her smile made me pop a boner under the table. We sat there eating and laughing at Garan talk shit. I noticed Asap ALL over 'Dreek. If it's one thing I know, if a chick is all over 'Dreek like that, she'll definitely get something put in her. But 'Dreek was always one of the main ones that had this bro's before ho's mentality. I was reasonably sure that he'd make her fuck at least one of the other guys so she could be with him. And judging from how Asap had been acting that whole day, she'd probably go along with whatever he told her to do. She was like a Muslim in Mecca or something the whole damn time she was with us. She talked "blacker" than any of us did and was openly touchy-feely with guys other than 'Dreek too. Now i'd grown up with these boys and we'd shared women before, but one thing we were all openly against was any sort of tag-teaming. NO way in HELL would that ever happen. It just didn't fly with us. Run train? Been there, done that. Hit the chick then pass her on? Been there, done that.

At this story's end, you could add tag-teaming to that list. Some opportunities you just can't pass up I guess. I'll tell yall how that went down probably later on tonight. Moving into a new apartment today. 

So when we leave Applebee's, we actually have to drop Crocker off at his house. He had to go to Geico the next morning and make loot. He didn't live terribly far away, so it was no hassle. We started heading back to Forsyth and once we made it in town, I noticed Saija and Asap still following us once we got to the road I expected them to take home. I expressed this to the other occupants in the car.

Me: Yo, the girls turned off with us.

Alex: Uh-oh. She ain't READY is she??

Me: READY. (Ready is a term we use to describe a sexy female. In some cases, like this one for instance, a female that's willing to give it up.)

Sherod: My boy Stuc is getting ready to splat!

Me: If I can get Freaky out of the picture long enough to get her alone somewhere.

Sherod: Man, you know EVERY time I saw Saija, I saw Freaky when we were playin paintball?

Me: Yeah. I know yall were lightin her ass up out there too. Long as you didn't bruise the TWAT i'm cool.

Sherod: Man, you stupid ...XD

Alex: ...XD

Me: And you're crazy as hell for that Mortal Kombat shit too.

Sherod: That's the war-cry homes!

We tripped out all the way to the cabins. Sure enough, Saija and Asap rolled in right behind us. It wasn't terribly late or anything at this point, but I could pretty much guess they weren't leaving anytime soon. Above all things, Asap wanted 'Dreek BAD. Saija would be forced to stay until her homegirl got what she came for. Freaky walks up on me as we're all getting out of the cars. He pretty much tells me that he hopes for my sake I scored enough points with Saija at dinner. I assure him that I did, but I just HAD to change the subject. 

(it's a bother typing colons on my phone, i'm going to dashes now)

Me - What's up with the other broad though?

Freaky - Man she's so ready.

Me - Hell yeah. We were talkin about that on the way here.

Freaky - And you know how 'Dreek does right?

Me - I sure do...

Freaky - I'ma tell you like this. We competin for this "Golden Goddess" and all that, but whatever happens...

Me - There won't be any losers. If you still Saija from me, it's gonna be Vanilla Sky in this bitch.

Freaky - Stuckey, you read my mind.

So when we got inside, we gathered around the tv sitting in chairs and on the beds and shit. We had 2 cabins and all of us were in 1 at that moment. There was no cable and no one brought movies. So we had to fire up some more Madden. We ended up with Saija sitting on the edge of the bed with me sitting on the floor between her legs and Freaky sitting beside her. Me being in the awkward position that I was in, Freaky was doing most of the talking. I wasn't necessarily losing though. Sitting where I was, I was doing shit to halfway keep some of her attention like massaging her calves and shit. I noticed Freaky trying to strike up weird convo with her. You know the type of stuff you ask a girl if you're trying to go with her, not see how fast you can fuck. I guess I had the added advantage of havng no choice in the matter. I couldn't be her man even if I wanted to. So I was doing more to keep in line with the main objective. I started to get the response I wanted when she picked her legs up and rested her thighs on my shoulders. I could feel Freaky mean-mugging me and I loved it. Directly across from me, on the other side of the bed I was facing, 'Dreek and Asap were sitting on the floor next to each other. I saw her lean over into his lap. Ooooh shit.

Twin catches a glimpse of 'Dreek getting brain from this chick and decides to be bothersome. He suggests that he take her to the empty cabin next door. There was the off chance that Saija had morals and would try to stop her friend from sluttin herself out. I suggested to her that we go sit out in my car for a minute in an attempt to keep her distracted (and to fuck the hell out of her). She actually excused herself from Freaky mid-conversation and gets up to leave with me. I knew it was in the bag. 

So we go out to sit in the car and make-out. At the same time I could see a light turned on in the once-empty cabin. Now my account for what happens next isn't much because I was out in the car suckin face with Saija. As we were doing this, and eventually as she was going down on me (she wasn't good at it...seriously), I just happened to notice...

1) 'dreek and Asap go into cabin 2.

2) 2 or 3 minutes later, Twin goes in cabin 2

3) 'Dreek goes to cabin 1, then back to cabin 2 with Freaky.

4) Twin goes to cabin 1 with no shirt on and sweating. He sticks his head in the door to say something.

5) Garan comes out with Twin and goes in cabin 2.

The whole while this is going on, i'm receiving shitty head. And Alex and Sherod are still in cabin 1 playing Madden. I wish they would've went and got some Asap so I could get Saija back in cabin 1.

A thought hit me. What if Saija was READY too? She seemed kinda attached to me and didn't pay anyone else much mind. If I could get her in cabin 1 and get her hot and bothered enough to get naked with Sherod and Alex in the room, perhaps they could get some too and we'd have 2 chicks getting tossed up at once! The shit would be epic!

Yeah, whatever. 

So as I was saying, i'm sitting in my car watching my boys go back and forth from cabin to cabin takin turns on this chick. I'm winning the bet, but I ain't really enjoying my victory. She really wasn't good at giving BJ's and I was missing out on the adventure going on in cabin 2. I thought for a second to myself that Freaky isn't thinking about the bet anymore at ALL. Saija brings me back to the situation at hand for a second when she takes it out of her mouth and looks up at me with one of the craziest of expressions. It was a "take me NOW!" sort of look with a bit of uncertainty. I could tell she wanted to say something nasty to me or something like that. Something that would make me tear her clothes off and go ape on her, but she was a bit inexperienced. In the hick town of Forsyth, I don't think many guys went for the Asian persuasion. She ended up saying.

Saija - Can you touch me?

Me - o...k?

Saija - I mean while I do it. I like to be touched while I do it.

Me - Ok. I know what you mean.

So she goes back down on me and I reach my hand under her to reach down her shirt. As I start playin with her chest, I notice her getting more excited. Ok then...progress. I reach my other arm across her body and reach down into her pants. I start rubbing the TWAT through her panties. After a while, she started actually giving better head. I could feel saliva everywhere down there. Sloppy jaws are the best jaws you can get (at least to me). That was all good and well, but I could feel her pad through her panties. She was on the monthly. Well, so much for my little idea. And so much for the bet also. I played with her until she came and when she came, she got so excited that she choked on my meat. I couldn't help but laugh. She explains that she would give it to me if it wasn't for her period and she wanted to just give me a BJ so I wasn't completely disappointed. Around this time, she looked out of the car and what was going on started to sink in. She realized that her friend was getting tossed up. I braced myself for her reaction.

Saija - oh lord...

Me - ?

Saija - There she goes aga-

Me - AGAIN?

Saija - She's done this before. She wants to get pregnant by a black guy so bad that she just gives it up to whoever.

I started to feel a great bit of concern for my boy's safety. Hoping that they were all smart enough to strap up and hoping they were smart enough to dispose of their rubbers properly afterwards. Chicks down south WILL get your jizz out of a used rubber with a tukey baster and put it right in their hole. I let Saija finish me off and she assured me that she'd give me the rest as soon as she could. By the time I splat, the orgy was done. I really had to talk her through blowing me so it'd get me off. She even stripped for visual aid. How nice...

I had to go back in cabin 1 before her so I could wipe all the saliva and stuff off my thighs and she came in a little later so she wouldn't be embarrassed. There were still a few folks in cabin 2 getting cleaned up and what not. I curled up in the bed with Saija to go to sleep. I was tired after I shot my load off. Since Crocker was gone, we'd be a little handicapped during paintball the next day.

Handicapped ain't the word. Crocker might have been gone, but a formiddable foe took his place out in the wilderness when we played again the next evening. He easily had the largest body count out of all of us. Never missed. Actually, he made the second day of paintball a disaster. This splendid marksman went by the name...

Crabs.

Needless to say, Asap got cursed out pretty bad and Saija kinda got caught up in it when she posed the interesting question "how do you know it was her? all of yall were in there naked together. would you really tell one of your homeboys that you got crabs?" She had a very good point i'd say. But it was out of my hands. Like I said, a few years after that I caught up with Saija on myspace. She found out about my girl and cut me off. To this day i've only had 1 Asian.

That's the story folks. 


08-01-2007, 12:13 AM 
Moving Day.

So about a month ago, I moved into a new apartment on the north side of town. I moved mainly so I could be closer to my job (it used to take me 45 minutes there and back, now it takes a little less than 10). This story is about the day I moved in and how I might've made my living situation awkward before I even got all my stuff off the U-Haul (or "the truck" rather). It all started when I woke up and realized that I hadn't packed a single thing. I didn't have many BIG things that I needed to move, but I've always gotten hung up on this nostalgia thing which left me with a lot of "stuff" that I couldn't bring myself to throw away. So this meant a lot of boxes full of random items. Old birthday/christmas cards. Funeral programs for people close to me that passed away. Games (some that I don't even have a system to use them with anymore). Stuff like that. So I jumped up and decided to start packing some boxes to take over to the new place in my car. I'd have to wait till later in the evening to get the big items because my stepdad was using his truck for his job. I grabbed a bunch of clothes and threw them in the car and made my first trip to the apartment complex. I get there and go in the rent office to sign the lease and everything. There, I meet Whitney.

Whitney is STACKED. She's a white chick, about my age, and works in the front office. She'd handle my paperwork and such. So I sit down with her to go over this and sign that. Then, out of nowhere, she asks me for 434 dollars.

Me: 434 eh?

Whitney: Yes. Your first month's rent pro-rated.

Me: Umm...yeah. I was just in here Saturday (I moved in on a Thursday), and I asked you all if you needed any more money and stuff. The young lady told me all I needed to do was sign the lease and move in.

Whitney: I have no idea why she'd tell you that. All apartment complexes that I know of do it this way.

Me: Yeah, I figured you did, but I just went by what she told me anyway. And I didn't bring my checkbook with me.

She looked at me like I was stupid for a minute and I just got up and walked out. I had to drive all the way back home to get my checkbook. Before I left to go back to the apartment complex, I got a phone call. It was Jermaine with some great news for me.

Jermaine: Wassup Stuckey man? What you been up to?

Me: Nothin much man. Movin in the new apartment today.

Jermaine: Oh yeah? Where you movin to?

Me: The Adrian. I didn't tell you? (knowing good and well I didn't).

Jermaine: Naw, you ain't tell me. Check dis out though, Stuckey. I got me a gulfriend.

Me: .....say that again?

Jermaine: Yeah, Stuckey man. IGOTMEAOLDLADYNOW-HAHAHAHA!

Me: A real one?

Jermaine: Yeah! I got me a keeper!

Me: Congratulations homey. When do I get to meet her?

Jermaine: Shoot. When you want to?

Me: I'll let you know man. Busy with the moving today.

Jermaine: You need some help? YOUKNOWI'LLHELPYOUNOW-HAHAHAHA!

Me: It wouldn't hurt. I'll come pick you up.

I swung by the apartment complex, dropped off the 434-dollar check, got my key, went in and put up the clothes I brought, then headed back to get Jermaine before I went back home. As usual, he was sitting on the porch waiting for me. He hopped in the car and we went back to the house to pack some more stuff. The whole while we're packing, he's telling me about the new love in his life. She's black (I was surprised at that), lived in Alphabet City (wasn't surprised at that...yall remember this place right?), and was younger than ME. 22 to be exact. So he's 12 years her senior. He showed me a picture of her on his phone (he got rid of the T-Mobile pre-paid that he never kept minutes on and got a Verizon phone. he said it was more "economicable"). I was surprised that she was actually cute and wasn't humongous. Of course, being the good guy that he is, he found out if she had some friends for Marcus and I. And she did. I'd have to put up with that crap some other day. We got another load of boxes loaded up in my car and headed back to the apartment. We get there just in time to see this big-legged white lady walking to her car in some tight shorts with her tennis racket. She sees the boxes and puts 2 and 2 together.

Big Legs: Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood.

Me: Thanks.

Big Legs: Yall are roommates? Or you just got a little help?

Me: Just some help. I'm not gay. :)

Big Legs: ^^; Sorry, I wasn't trying to imply anything.

Me: It's ok. I was messin with you. I'm Jonathan by the way.

Big Legs: I'm Denise.

Me: Nice to meet you, Denise. 

Jermaine: How you doin, Ms. Denise? I'm Jermaine.

Denise: I'm fine. Nice to meet you, Jermaine.

Me: It's a little hot out to be running around with a tennis racket isn't it?

Denise: This coming from you? You're MOVING in this weather ...XD

Me: Oh yeah. 

Denise: Well, i'm gonna get going. See you later, Jonathan!

Me: Ok. If you lose too bad, don't hesitate to come see me for lessons.

Denise: ...XD I might take you up on that.

I'm an idiot.

So Jermaine and I move my boxes in the place and hop back in the car to go get more. I was pretty sure we could get the rest of the small stuff in on this last trip. On the way to the house, Marcus calls. He had volunteered to help me earlier in the week and was calling to let me know he was getting off work. No way I was letting the man walk home in this weather so i'd have to go pick him up. This would take up more space in the car, but oh well. An extra trip wouldn't hurt if I had yet another person helping me. I go to pick him up, and Jermaine sitting in the car totally catches him off guard. He hops in and we head to the house. As we're packing, Jermaine fills Marcus in on the whole girlfriend thing. After we get the car packed again, we go back to the apartment. Rinse and repeat one more time and we have to take a break. We have all the small stuff moved in, but it'll still be another 3 or 4 hours before my stepdad is done with the truck. So we had a little time to kill. What to do...what to do...oh I know! DO SOMETHING STUPID! 

We ended up going back to the apartment and hooking the tv up on the floor and playing some tekken. Jermaine was dying to play a wrestling game of some sort, but I didn't feel like unpacking all my stuff just to dig one up. Tekken's on the ps3 hard drive already so we had to go with that. As we were playing, my doorbell rings. I go to answer it and it's Denise. She had her dog with her and was taking him out to use the bathroom and noticed my car. So I stepped outside with her and her dog. She basically wanted to get in my business. Asking about where I work, my age, and my dating situation. As we were talking, she noticed my stomach growl. I hadn't eaten a single thing since i'd woke up and had been hauling boxes. Of course there were no groceries in my apartment yet and Denise knew this. She invited me upstairs to her place for some leftover pizza (she lives DIRECTLY above me). I explained to her that it would be rude of me to go eat with her and leave my friends down in my place like that. She says that they can come up too. So I didn't think much of it and got Jermaine and Marcus to come upstairs with us.

Marcus immediately notices Denise's figure.

Marcus - I want you to know that i'm gonna try my best not to screw your neighbors.

Me - Me too.

Jermaine - Shoot, Stuckey man...I thank dis gul here is kinda smitten with you.

Marcus - What you know about "smitten"?

Jermaine - YOUCRAZYMARCYOUCRAZY-HAHAHAHAHA!

We go inside Denise's apartment and it doesn't look like much of a bachlorette pad. It looked like she was living there with someone else. There was a huge dirty pair of sneakers airing out on her deck and sports were on the television. I didn't ask because I felt it was none of my business although she had previously been asking me all this stuff. She asks us how the moving is coming along and we explain that we're just killing time. She puts the leftover pizza in the oven and comes to sit down. After a short while I need to use the bathroom so I excuse myself. As i'm coming out, Denise scares the crap out of me because she's standing right on the other side of the door.

Denise - Sorry! I had to use it too hehe.

Me - Oh it's ok.

Denise - You didn't wash your hands did you?

Uh oh. She's trying to corner me. I've used this same trick on Andrea before and ended up hittin it in the bathroom. She'd make me go back in and wash my hands while she shut the door and went potty while I was still in there. Man, it worked like a charm when I tried it.

Me - As a matter of fact I didn't. *turning around to face the sink*

I look up in the mirror and she is indeed coming in behind me, but not shutting the door. She doesn't drop her draws either. She just waits for me to finish and lets me walk out of the restroom. That's what I get for thinking I guess. I walk back into the living room and take a seat Marcus and Jermaine are looking at me like i'm crazy.

Me - What?

Marcus - Man get that pussy!

Me - ? You get it.

Marcus - Man she just told us she was gonna give it to you.

Me - .....(I almost cursed)

Jermaine - He tellin the truth, Stuckey man. She said she was gonna go in the bathroom while you were in there because she wanted to see it.

Me - So when I opened the door with my pants zipped up and not exposed, I messed her up...

Jermaine - She looks like she's a good 'un Stuckey.

Screw it. I'm single now anyway. Might as well take what I can get until Andrea gets it together. When she came out the bathroom, I was standing at the door waiting. We went in her bedroom and I got her.

Those 2 dummies were too busy listening at the door to get the pizza out of the oven. It got nuked and we were still hungry. So we went to get some food and by then it was time to move the big stuff. Jermaine had to get home though so we parted ways with him. Marcus was plenty of help though. As we were loading up the truck, Sherod calls me. He had just got off and asked me if I needed help. I told him to meet me at the complex and i'd get him through the gate. This would be Marcus and Sherod's first time meeting.

We get to the complex and Sherod comes up shortly after. I introduce them to one another then we get crackin. As we're hauling stuff in the apartment, I run into a white guy with some big, dirty, tennis shoes just like the ones I saw on Denise's deck. He was heading toward my building with Burger King bags. We greet one another in passing and I walk to the truck to get something. When I get there, I climb in the truck and turn to see which place the guy goes in.

Yeah, he went right in Denise's place. With a key. I friggin' knew it.

Marcus comes out to grab something else and I make him aware of the situation. Sherod comes out shortly after and hears some of our conversation. I fill him in also. They're congratulating me, but i'm knowing this is gonna be weird now. We finish moving the stuff and Sherod tells me to check my fridge. I take a look inside and there's a case of red stripe sitting in there.

It's how alcoholics do house-warming.

Sherod takes an empty bottle at one point and tries to throw it over the fence in the back of the complex. He didn't throw it far enough and accidentally hit Denise's dog. Good thing she wasn't standing there to see it. 



08-08-2007, 09:12 PM 
The River-Pumping Station Penis Massacre.

I originally intended to post these stories in order from least to most jacked up. When I posted up the choices, I numbered them this way also. Seeing as this one was on the bottom, let's just say it's a pretty rough one. This one takes place at my job during one of those nights when I don't do what I normally do at work. You see, as opposed to when I was first hired, they don't move me around from place to place anymore. I have a set unit that I work on everyday which is Unit 2. The plant I work at was built kinda funny because there are 4 units and they were numbered in the order they were built. After they built Unit 1, they only planned to build one more unit. So they built Unit 2 to the south of Unit 1. As time went on they decided they could put 2 more units in the plant so they bought up some more land and had units 3 and 4 built. So from the front of the plant to the other end, the units are actually numbered 2,1,3,4. It took a bit of getting used to at first. But as I said, Unit 2 is the first unit you come up to when you enter the plant site. You probably wonder why this is important. Well, it really isn't, but for logic's sake i'll explain.

On each unit you have 2 people checking over equipment. You have a Topside guy who deals with floors 3-14 and the equipment outside the building, and you have the Base Slab guy who deals with the 1st and 2nd floor. That may seem kinda uneven to you because the Topside guy has more walking to do, but there's more crucial equipment on the first 2 floors so the Base Slab guy is usually the one doing more work. In addition to this, on Unit 2, the Topside man sometimes has to run the river pumps down at the River-Pumping Station about a mile down the street from the plant. You see, the plant I work at has a man-made lake that we constantly pull water from to run the plant equipment. Naturally in the summer time, it tends to get low on water. If we ever ran out of water, we'd have to shut the plant down and that'd make Georgia Power lose a TON of money. So some years ago they built a River-Pumping Station down the street along the Ocmulgee river. There, they built 4 river pumps that pump a daily permissible amount of water out of the Ocmulgee and sends it to our man-made lake to make sure we're never S.O.L. on water. In rainy weather when the river gets high enough (we can only start them up if the river is over 334 feet high or so), they make sure to send someone down there to run them and keep an eye on them in case one should cut off or something. Since Unit 2 is closest to the road, they make us do it. Well, I was the Topside guy on Unit 2 when this story occurred and it occurred at the River-Pumping Station on a rainy, stormy night. Sorry for the long-winded explanation there. Just figured it'd help the story make more sense.

The lake had been hurting for a good while since there hadn't been any rain up until the day of this story. So when it started storming, our boss called out to the plant (he was off at the time) to make sure someone went to check out the river level and see if we could pump some water. I get the call to go check it out. I'm told that I have to go down there every single hour to check the level of the river and if I ever went down there and it was high enough, stay there and cut the pumps on. My shift is from 7pm to 7am. I head down there the first time at about 8:30. The crazy thing about going down there once an hour is, there's a security gate you have to badge in and badge out of, then you have to ride down to the pumping station. There's a locked gate facing the highway which you have to get out the truck, unlock with a key, drive the truck through, close the gate and lock it back, drive 2 miles down a dirt road, cross some railroad tracks, get to yet another locked gate, get out the truck, unlock, drive through, lock behind you, check the river level, then turn around and do the whole thing in reverse order. The pumping station is right in the middle of the woods near a swamp and of course the river so there's all kinds of things lurking out there, there are also no lights (and this is Georgia Power...how ironic) and the security guards have spotted some homeless people out walking the railroad tracks as well as devil worshippers having rituals and stuff out that way so we HAVE to lock the gates behind us every time. Security rides down the street every so often to check and if you leave a gate unlocked, you get canned. So by the time you've done all that, then got back to Unit 2, it's been an hour and you have to go back. To heck with that. I decided to go down to the river and come back and just stop at the security guard shack. Selena was working that night.

Now Selena has been working for GP about as long as I have. She's a security guard though. Very beautiful young lady, only 3 or 4 years my senior. She has Jada Pinkett's face and a HUMONGOUS ghetto booty. The older cats at my job go crazy over her, but unfortunately she's getting married this month. I know her through my Unit 2 Co-worker Bobby, who dates one of Selena's cousins so that gave me a respectable motive for stopping to talk to her. Plus it saved me a whole lot of time. I told my co-workers i'd be doing this through the night and they said they didn't care. So I went down to the river at 8:30 to check the river level. There wasn't enough water yet. It was about 333.2 ft. So I was reasonably sure i'd be able to run the pumps for a little while in the next 6 to 8 hours if it kept raining pretty good. I get back up to the plant, badge in, and go inside the guard shack.

Selena - Hey, Stuckey.

Me - What's the word?

Selena - Nothin. Bored. Why they got you out in this weather?

Me - River pumps.

Selena - Oh that's right. We don't have water in the lake.

Me - Yeah. Check this out, they want me to go down there EVERY hour to check the river level.

Selena - ...XD That's a little much ain't it?

Me - It is. So i'm gonna just chill here till it's time for me to go back if you don't mind.

Selena - Yeah, stay here and keep me company.

She turns back to the television. She's watching somethin on CNN about the Barry Bonds crap. And i'm looking at her rump. Whoever this guy is that she's marrying is a lucky one indeed. I hear he works somewhere in the plant, but I doubt it's anybody that I know. We get into a conversation about the whole Barry Bonds steroids thing and after a while it's time for me to head back out. I get down there and it's still sitting at 333.2. So I get back a while later and pull up my same chair.

Selena - They know that river ain't gonna rise that fast.

Me - Yep. You know how they are about that money though.

Selena - Yeah.

After a while, the storm starts to pick up a little more and Selena ends up cutting the TV off and sitting next to me. We're chatting about this and that and I bring up the fact that she's getting married soon. That didn't go so well. She was apparently upset with him over an argument they'd had that day. Something about him driving her car somewhere or something like that. I admittedly didn't pay a lot of attention to it. She eventually brought up Bobby and that's where the conversation took an interesting turn.

Selena - You know he told me what you said right?

Me - What I said?

Selena - What you said about me...what you would do to me.

I don't look in her face, because her tone of voice wasn't very flirty. I'd hate to think I offended her by something I said jokingly to someone else. My first thought, was "I'm gonna kill him when I get back in the plant!", but I did say it after all. And yes, it was a comment I had made about what i'd do to her sexually. When my mind started to wander toward sexual-harassment charges and stuff, I just jumped up and said "i'll be back!" and ran out to go back to the river. On my way out she told me she wasn't trippin about it and she thought it was funny. It was then that I looked in her face. Now THAT'S what I call flirty. Since I had already jumped up so abruptly, I went ahead and took my next trip to the river. At this time it's raining a lot harder and I say to myself it's gonna suck getting out of the truck to lock/unlock the gate with all this wind and lightning and rain. But then I start thinking about Selena and the grin she had on her face when I left the guard shack. The rain and stuff didn't matter after that. I started fantasizing and what not. The whole while I went and checked the level and came back to the guard shack, I couldn't get her facial expression out of my mind. It was very mischievous and VERY sexy. I regained my composure and walked back in the guard shack where she was waiting on me. She touched the seat of the chair I had been sitting in inviting me to come back to it. The first thing she did was ask me about the river level.

Selena - Has it come up at all?

Me - Uh..^^;

Selena - *hitting me on the shoulder* I mean the RIVER.

Me - Oh ...XD (I did do this on purpose by the way) it came up a few inches. I'll probably be able to fire some pumps up around 3.

Selena - Well, whenever you start those pumps, make sure you come back and tell me. You know I have to come down there and keep check on you.

Me - Oh yeah. You do don't you? I apologize ahead of time if I put you to work.

Selena - Oh it's ok.

Me - You're gonna keep me company if I get stuck down there right? I'm doing it for you...

Selena - Mike is coming in at 11 so he'll hold down the fort up here. Yeah I can come down there and stay a while. Maybe I can learn something about some equipment.

Me - I'll teach you about some equipment alright...

Selena - Will you??

We laugh for a minute, then change the subject. By the time Mike (another security guard) showed up, it was time for me to make another trip to the river. Still not enough water. It was at about 333.6 or a little better. I ended up hitting the nail on the head when I said 3am. After a whole bunch of going and coming, when I went at 2:30, it was time to pump some water. Before I did though, I made sure I came back up and told Selena. I reminded her to come see me. She assured me that Mike would be too lazy to go anyway so it would definitely be her showing up. I got back to the river and fired up 3 of the 4 pumps (pump #1 was being difficult) then I went back and hopped in the truck to turn on the radio and relax. It was still raining cats and dogs and the lightning had gotten worse at this point. Sure enough I see some headlights coming across the railroad tracks about a quarter to 4am. Selena pulls the truck up to the gate of the pumping station. She doesn't have a key to get in so i'd have to drive my truck up and unlock the gate. She drove her truck in beside mine and I locked the gate back. It's a good thing GP is too cheap to put cameras down there. Because I planned on getting her to give it up on the clock.

She planned the same thing for me. 

She hopped in my truck and changed the radio station. I was listening to ESPN Radio at that time. She switched it to an R&B station that was playing some soft music. Good thinking I guess. Then she turned and put her hand in my lap, looked into my eyes lovingly, and said:

Selena - We have to hurry up. If I take too long, Mike will come down here looking for us.

Me - Wow. You make me feel so slutty.

She starts undressing and I start doing the same. When she goes to pull her pants off, I stop her when she gets them down slightly above her knees. I can see everything I need to see where they were, so she hopped up on all fours in the seat and put her butt RIGHT in my face inviting me to take what I wanted. I hit it doggy for a while until she started talking smack to me. Telling me that I wasn't deep enough and to hit it harder and all that. At that point, I laid her down on her stomach with my joint still in her. If she wanted deeper and harder, that's what she was gonna get. So I started ramming her from the back and pressing her crotch into the seat. She came pretty fast after we switched positions, but I was still going. I started to get so excited that as I was grinding her against the seat, the back of her pants crept up slightly. And some sort of way I managed to shoot myself in the johnson with the pepper-spray on her belt (mace...whatever it is I don't know the difference). It hurt worse than that one time I got burned in college and tried to go pee. It hurt A LOT worse actually. I just got up off of her and slumped down in between the seat and the steering wheel holding myself. She asked me what happened and I managed to get the words out of what had happened. She then said something that was borderline inconsiderate, but VERY true.

Selena - I'm glad it wasn't my GUN!

Me - You ain't the only one.

As awkward as it was, she had to get back to her post before we got ourselves in big trouble. She left me in the truck holding myself with my eyes watering. I remember reading that water doesn't help get rid of the effect worth a crap so running and jumping in the river was out of the question. I figured i'd sit there and hold myself until 6am when it was time to go back to the plant. Unfortunately, the weather made it hard on me. You see, the river pumps pump the river water up hill. If one should shut off, you can tell instantly because all the water in the line that hadn't made it up to the lake yet will turn around and come rumbling back into the river in a backwash type of effect. I heard 1...then another...then the last one. All of them had shut off. I manage to get myself up and hobble into the pump house to see the lightning struck the computer that operates these pumps. I limped over to see if I could power the CPU back up (all the lights inside the pump house were still on) and it cut right back on. I started the pumps up and went back to sit in the truck till 6. I told all the Unit 2 personnel about it the next night and they'll probably never let me forget it. 

But i'll tell you this, Selena might have had some of the best snappy nappy in the WORLD. If it didn't hurt as bad as it did, I would've tried to keep going. Soon it'll be off limits for good.


08-15-2007, 10:20 AM 
Erica From The Gap 2.

Gotta type this one up because I have another that I HAVE to tell yall about. It's nuts. Anyway, this story takes place at a point in my life where I thought maybe Erica was the one for me again. I'm sure yall remember part 1 of this story in which Erica pretty much stole me from Andrea, until her ex-boyfriend came and screwed it up for us. For the longest time, I was glad that that had happened and thought it had for good reason. Nowadays i'm not sure anymore. Andrea and I are getting along just as well as we always have, but at the moment, she still plans on leaving town to take some more modeling jobs. Any chance she gets, she likes to get around me and go down memory lane talking about all the good times we've had and such. She's spent several nights at my place also. Something's telling me our relationship might not be over for long, but I refuse to go back until she makes a choice about what she wants to do with herself. Anyway, this story ain't about that.

One night, Marcus and I planned to go somewhere and shoot some pool. He's gotten a lot better at shooting and takes every opportunity to play and get better. I still scrape him a good bit of the time though. His brother BARON, however, plays like he friggin invented pool. So we of course invited him to come along with us. We had planned to go to the pool hall in East Macon. The same pool hall where a guy pulled a gun on myself, michelle, shannon, and sunday actually. Yall remember that story right? Well, anyway, that pool hall was FULL. No open tables and way too many people standing around looking suspicious. So I warned Marcus and BARON before they got there that we needed to pick another place. Marcus suggested Sinsations (the strip joint that became a bikini bar since sunday wanted to spit jizz at people). BARON had just broken up with his stripper girlfriend who worked there so that spot was out of the question. We ended up having to go out to the Neon Cowboy (a place that you'll be hearing about again very soon). Like I said in a short story about Marcus hitting a stripper with a pool stick, I had ran into Erica out there selling lingerie to the dancers. She was there again that night. And that's where this story gets started. She had a bunch of different outfits laid out across one of the pool tables in the pool room. The other tables were occupied so Marcus and BARON decided to go sit at the stage while I stood back there with Erica as she conducted business with the strippers.

Me: What's been up with you?

Erica: Nothin much. Tired of working these odd jobs. How you been?

Me: Not bad. Not getting married anymore...

Erica: ;_; What did you do to her?!

Me: Nothing. Now ask what she did to me.

Erica: ....ok?

Me: She has her hand in too many different things. We can't settle down and get married if she has no direction.

Erica: Oh ok. I feel you...

Red (yall remember her right?) walks up, hugs me, asks why I haven't called her, then consults Erica about some new lingerie. I wait patiently for them to do their thing. Marcus calls me up to the front to see something. 

Marcus: Ain't that the B-- (sorry I don't curse anymore) that hustled you and Jermaine out of 10 bucks that night?

Me: Yeah, that's her.

Marcus: Dog, she's been on stage since we been here and NOBODY has thrown a dollar up there. XD

Me: Watch this.

I pull out a dollar coin that i'd gotten from the change machine at work. I throw it at this fat chick and somehow managed to miss. I hit the pole and it flew back off stage. Guess it wasn't meant to be hers. Marcus, BARON, and I laugh about it for a while and as I turn around to go back to Erica, I see her on her way out of the club with all her wares in a suitcase.

Me: You leaving already?

Erica: Yeah i'm all done here.

Me: Well, let me walk you out.

You get your hand stamped when you come in the club so it's ok to go in and out. I walk her out to her car holding her suitcase for her. Then she sits up on the hood and we talk for a while. She's still cool as I remembered her being after all these years. Still single, and still trying to make it in the music business. She invites me inside her car so she could play some of her new stuff on the stereo for me. As we're listening, it doesn't take long for us to get kinda frisky. I can tell it's been a while since she's been with anybody. We don't get into anything too explicit, but things get hot and heavy enough that I convince her to come back inside with me and she can come back to my place after all of us are done shooting pool. As we're going back inside, an old Nissan pulls up and 2 chicks hop out. The driver was pretty hot. Light skinned, short, and thick. The passenger was a whole lot thicker, and not as cute in the face, but had quite a rack on her. Of course I thought maybe they were "partners" coming to the strip club to see some chicks. But as Erica and I go inside behind them, they walk in and go straight over to BARON. Apparently, he had called them and told them to come out there. We all go in the back to shoot pool. Red is up on stage at the time DESTROYING guys' wallets. I of course walk by the stage and leave a tip on my way to the back...you know...since we're friends ^^;

We get to the back and take up 2 tables. It's me vs. BARON on one and the 2 girls BARON invited on the other. Erica and Marcus are watching and chatting with one another as we play. I end up losing the first match and it's Marcus' turn. As i'm sitting with Erica, she's telling me how she can't wait to get to my place to "see it" (yeah right). Things start getting a bit frisky again until Red comes walking up. She kinda pulls me away from Erica and gives me the traditional "thank you" hug for tipping her, with her boobs pressed all up against me. She does this for any guy that leaves her a tip. Seriously, if you tip her and walk away from the stage, she'll come find you when she's done. She also asks if i'll "let her" dance for me at any point that night implying that she wouldn't charge me. So of course I accept. I was with Erica after all and I knew she wouldn't care. 

She didn't. Red took me to a private booth and did her thing. I enjoyed it. So much so, that I admitted that I didn't keep her number the last time she gave it and if she gave it to me again, i'd definitely use it. So she gave me the number once again and I used it just like I promised...another story for another time.

Anyway, when I came out, I went back to shooting pool and not long after that BARON was talking about leaving. So we all went outside and stood out in the parking lot debating on where everyone was going and who was riding with who. After a while, it was decided that EVERYBODY was coming to my 1-bedroom apartment. So everybody got in a car and we hit the interstate. Since Marcus rode with me, Erica and I behaved in the car on the way. We got there and all the broads were amazed at "how I was living". I inspired BARON's girl #1 (I don't remember her name...the hot one) to go back to med school and BARON's girl #2 (the kinda chunky one) looked like she wanted to go down on me right then and there. I had already chosen my company for the night though. As far as I was concerned, I was gonna try to see what Erica was about once and for all. Aside from the sex and everything. The girls picked a DVD from the shelf to watch (Disturbia) and we popped it in and got comfortable. Eventually, Erica and I got up to go in the bedroom. No shame in our game. We don't even make an effort to keep the noise down. 

Neither do they. At one point, there's a scene in the living room. I get up and go in the living room in my draws to see what's going on. BARON's women are outside by the time I come out the bedroom and Marcus and BARON immediately start explaining. Apparently, Erica made a big mistake by leaving her purse sitting in my living room. BARON's girl #2 is a clepto or something and girl #1 caught her going through Erica's personal belongings. When confronted, girl #2 makes a scene which causes girl #1 to bring up old stuff that girl #2 had done. Other things that she'd stolen and stuff. So they went outside to fight...

FIGHT?! In THIS neighborhood?! The first thought that pops into my head "these white folks are gonna blame this on me and get me kicked out!" So I run outside to break the fight up. I pretty much jacked up the both of them by their collars and forced them to get into the car and leave. I stood out there until they pulled off threatening to call the cops. As I turned around to go back inside, I see Erica peeking out of my bedroom window to see what the ruckus was about. I get back inside and me, marcus, and BARON explain what happened to her. BARON said he'd take responsibility for whatever was missing from her purse as we had her check it to see what was missing. 20 bucks were gone, but that was it. BARON handed it right to her. Since Marcus and BARON no longer had chicks to kick it with, they decided to go on and leave at that point. Apparently, they met up with the 2 chicks as they were going out of the gate. Their car had run out of oil and they overheated before they could even get out of the complex.

So they started fighting again. I left BARON and Marcus clean up that mess while Erica and I finished what we started. BARON has since been boning more strippers and left the 2 girls alone. And Marcus still can't beat me at pool. Erica is playing her cards right at the moment, but I don't want to be tied right back down just yet. We'll see where it goes.



08-21-2007, 11:32 PM 
Darkness is Spreading!

It all started one friday after I got off work. This was my first time getting a paycheck since I had moved into my apartment. All the money I had paid out to get in the apartment had put a real strain on me so that friday was like a blessing for me. I went home and went straight to sleep like I always do when i'm gettin ready to have the weekend off. For some reason, I woke up extra early that day. I showered, got dressed, and went to the barbershop to get a cut. I remember it being hot as crap that day. My first stop after getting a cut was the local HH Gregg store. They were having a tent sale that me and a co-worker caught wind off on the internet. Since he was about to sign a lease for an apartment too, we figured we'd both go check out the sale for odds and ends we needed. I wanted a home theater system and a washer and dryer, he needed an entertainment system and a new TV. According to the ad we read, HH Gregg had ALL the things we were looking for under a tent outside of the store for 50%-70% off.

They didn't have crap.

They had washers...that's it. Washers, but no dryers. No TVs, no home theater stuff, nothing. Of course I was disappointed, but at that point, I had never been in the HH Gregg store. So I figured i'd go take a look around to get out of the hot sun and see if they had any good deals inside.

They didn't have crap inside either.

It didn't take me long to sigh in disgust and leave the store. As I was coming out, I saw Bobby (my co-worker...the one that told Selena stuff about me in "The River-Pumping Station Penis Massacre"...this story happened before that btw) riding through the parking lot in his Cadillac. Before he even has a chance to park, I approach his car.

Me: Man don't even waste your time. They got NOTHING.

Bobby: I appreciate you tellin me. I guess i'll go on down here to Pet Smart then since i'm out this way.

Me: Ok homey. Enjoy your weekend.

I hopped in my car and drove across the way to Best Buy. I can remember thinking how Best Buy would be the last store I stopped at because I just HAD to get out of the heat. It was well into the 90s or better that day. So I went in Best Buy and started browsing around. After being in there looking at stuff for about 10 minutes, I could've swore I saw the lights flicker. So I made my way over to the video game section which is straight beyond the entrance. When I looked out the door, it looked like it was about 9 o' clock at night. It had gotten VERY dark outside. After a short while, it got very dark in Best Buy. That was my ticket to head home. It hadn't started raining, but there was plenty of lightning going on and the wind was so strong that I could see shopping carts from Staples and Ross flying across the parking lot, smacking into cars and stuff. I took off across the parking lot just in time to get in my car and beat the rain. It started coming down HARD. I looked out to the road and saw Bobby hauling tail out of the shopping center. I followed in a similar fashion. As I was coming out of the shopping center, I grabbed my phone and called Marcus. He was having a bad day apparently and insisted we go out that night. Since I was on that side of town, I figured i'd go get him then go home so I wouldn't have to get caught in bad weather again later (if there was some). He tells me to swing by to get him so I change my route and head to his house. The weather was so bad that I could feel the wind trying to pick my little Honda up and EVERY stoplight from Best Buy to Marcus' house was out. Several trees had fallen in the road and everything. When I pulled up to Marcus' place. He comes outside to the carport and waves for me to come inside. I wave for him to come get in the car so I could go home.

Then his mom sticks her head out of the door and waves for me to come inside. Mrs. Matthews doesn't play, so I turned the car off and came inside.

Mrs. Matthews: Where do you think you're going in this weather?!

Me: Good question. I don't know what I was thinking.

Marcus: Have a seat! Have some food! We got chicken and watermelon!

I looked at him and chuckled. I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. He went into the kitchen to get me some. Their power had been gotten cut off, so my chicken would have to be served cold. Who cares? I'm black. I washed my hands and sat down at the table to eat. Once I get started, BARON comes out from the back. I didn't even notice his motorcycle outside when I came in. He, Marcus, and I sit at the table and chat as I eat, while Mrs. Matthews is looking out the window into her backyard. She's very big on decorating, so she had a pretty elaborate backyard with a gazeebo, a big garden, a swing set, and some other things. The storm pretty much leveled the gazeebo and swing set. The Garden didn't look so bad though. Once the rain calmed down, the 3 of us went outside to clean up the wreckage for her and put back together the things we could. After we got everything cleaned up, BARON heads off, then Marcus and I leave to go play Gradius at my place for a while. We end up getting caught in several traffic jams due to the traffic lights being out all over Macon. We finally get there and to my surprise (Marcus wasn't surprised at all since I live in a white neighborhood), my power was on. When we left Marcus' place, the lights hadn't come back on yet. He made sure to call his mother and let her know that I had lights here so they could be upset about it. We sat down and tried to beat Gradius 3 (IMO, the hardest one). We sucked at that, so us being the geniuses we are, we popped in Ikaruga. Of course we did no better at that. Once nightfall came, we headed to Jock's and Jill's right down the street (where they had the racist Madden tournament at that time), we were gonna be getting drunk there and then driving to the Neon Cowboy in Byron (told you you'd be hearing about that place again soon). We ate, got wasted, then jumped on the interstate.

When we got there, we were so drunk that we came through the door, paid, went inside, and sat down for a few minutes before we realized...

The club had no power. We didn't even notice that there was no music playing, no A/C, and no girls dancing. They were just sitting around in a foul mood because they couldn't make any loot. Or could they? They did charge us the full price of admission at the door...we went to the back where the pool tables were. They had the fire exit propped open because it was so hot in the place. They had a few lights on over the pool tables so we could see well enough to play. As we were playing, a random stripper walks up...

Random Stripper: Would yall like to make a donation to the poor?

Me: Not really.

Marcus: What kind of donation?

R.S.: 5 dollars...

Me: Are you crazy? You better dance acapella if you want tips, sweetheart. 

Marcus: Nothing in this world is free.

R.S.: ...XD Ok then check this out...

She leans over like she's about to tell us a secret. We lean in with her.

R.S.: For a hundred, we can do something in your backseat.

I should say that this stripper wasn't very cute. Which sucks for her because a lot of the girls that work there ARE cute.

Me: Sorry, miss. I don't do that in my car.

Marcus: There isn't enough room in there anyway.

R.S.: Man yall trippin. It's just 5 dollars! How much did you pay for them glasses you got on?

Me: 800...

R.S.: If you can afford some 800 dollar glasses, you can give me a 5 dollar tip.

Me: On the contrary, I spend my money poorly so I don't have 5 dollars to give you.

She walks off and tries her speech on some Mexicans. They walk out of the fire exit with her. Guess they decided to take her up on the backseat offer. We go back to playing pool, and I spot Red about to walk past me. I look back down at the table like I didn't notice her. I don't need anyone else asking me for free money. She hugs me from behind and goes right into complaining.

Red: It's hot as hell in here!

Me: Yeah, it is. Yall have to stay here?

Red: Yeah, they're tryin to get the lights back on. They say it won't be long now.

Me: Ok good. Cause we paid full price to get in here. Yall better make it worth it.

She grabs my hands and puts them on her waist.

Red: Well, you know i'm gonna make it worth it for you...music or not ^_^

All I could do was laugh. She volunteered to go get Marcus and I some bottled water and walked off. She looked better that night than i'd ever seen her.

Marcus: Now I know you'd take HER to your backseat.

Me: I'd take her to her own backseat maybe. I don't mess around in Hilary (yes, I named my car Hilary. Hilary Honda. Bite me.)

To make a short story even shorter, Marcus ended up hitting a bartender in the men's room and I hit Red in one of the private booths. I made her cum so hard that she cried (then I gave her a tip ...XD). The lights came on at some point in the night and the girls went back to making their money the traditional way, but you'd better believe those girls were out there turning tricks that night. The strip club was a Bordello that night. Wish you could've been there homies...

I'm just glad I got my 10 dollars worth... 



08-22-2007, 03:03 PM 
Electric Homo.

This one's a quickie. When Sherod and I both got some time off from work (at the same time), I took him and his wife to a Japanese Steakhouse (the same one where I found out about the girl that had been abducted in Crystal Lake Apartments...) and picked up the bill. His birthday had just passed a week ago. After we left there, we were reasonably certain we'd go to Rock-a-Billy's that night as Aric and Garan both showed up at the steakhouse while we were eating and were talking about going. So we all went our seperate ways after leaving the restaurant to change clothes and get prepared (drinking a little bit before you go SAVES.YOU.MONEY.). There was something going on at The Rock that night. You see, Brandon (a good friend of mine...the owner. he was in a pic I posted in this thread a while back) redecorated the club from top to bottom out of his own pocket. So that called for another grand opening. But when he first did a grand opening, no one showed up. So this night would be the official GRAND OPENING!...AGAIN! party where people got in free before a certain time and yada yada yada. I never pay any attention to that sort of thing because we never pay to get in there. We just stroll in like big-name rappers.

This night was no different. We hung out and talked with the bouncers for a while (we play basketball with just about all of them), then went inside. I had NEVER seen The Rock this packed before. It was insane. We couldn't even park in the club parking lot. We had to park in front of some law office next door. When we get in, the first thing we notice was how HOT it was in there. Way too many black folks in there squeezed together (and some foolish enough to still be trying to dance...generating more heat). We took our spot on the couch on the stage after buying a couple buckets of Corona. We decided that we weren't gonna move around that night. Lucky for me there was something fine on stage that I could kick it with while we were up there. As the night started to wind down, a fight broke out. 2 girls vs. 1 girl and 1 homo. They were rumbling in the middle of the dance floor and the club was so packed that the bouncers couldn't even get to them to break it up. The club started to clear out a bit and they were still going at it. Then when there's a little room around where they're fighting so someone can get to them, a bouncer that was on stage (don't believe i've met him) stage dives down to where the fight is.

With a tazer.

He goes straight for the homo and starts tazing the crap out of him. As the homo was struggling to get away from getting his brain cooked, I remembered who it was. Jermaine from high school. Not the Jermaine you've heard about so many times before. This Jermaine is very gay and was a year ahead of me in high school. The interesting thing about him is that while it's normal for a gay guy to have a whole bunch of female friends...it ain't normal for him to screw them. He's had sex with more girls than me...a lot more than me. And it was just "for the heck of it". I've had 1 or 2 chicks that he had been with prior to me and they told me they'd just get drunk and do it. But they insisted that he was very gay and was only physically attracted to men. They equated the experience to making out with a girl for the first time.

...yeah whatever.

So anyway, Jermaine is on the dance floor getting owned by the tazer and the other girls have stopped fighting and the girl he was with is trying to help him by telling the bouncer to stop. That bouncer tazed Jermaine from the middle of the dance floor, to the main entrance, then got him again as he got out. About 6 times in all. The whole while Sherod was cheering him on "COOK THAT FA----!!" I couldn't help but laugh. I always had a mild amount of jealousy for him getting more trim than me. 


09-02-2007, 12:17 AM 
Britney.

PROLOGUE

This story is gonna be a strange one. I just wanted to put a prologue up to warn everybody that the stuff you'll read in the coming days will change some things as far as i'm concerned. A lot of stuff has been going on with me in the past few weeks and life has thrown me some sort of curveball. A lot of stuff around me is changing. Not necessarily for the worst, but it's taken the "routine" out of my life. For instance, it's routine for me to do the same things when i'm off work. Go out, get wasted, get laid, and tell yall about it (if it's crazy, that is). 

I guess that comes from living in boring Macon, Ga. Everything is routine around here because there just isn't a whole lot going on. Really the things I do aren't all that different from what other peopl do around here. I just have the displeasure of having things go in awkward ways when i'm just trying to stick to my routine. It's never been my intention to put myself out there like some kind of pimp in my stories. Really i'm not and would prefer to settle down with one person. Macon is just so lame that sometimes I don't know what else to do. So I go out and meet chicks and whatever happens happens. A lot of people that I talk to (about stuff like this) praise me for getting a lot of "action", but fail to realize that it's just not me using this girl so I can splat. She's using me too. And that's what makes it ok. At least to me and her...

Anyway, at this point, Andrea has decided that only one of her future plans would be enough for her. Remember when I said she wanted to model again, then go to med school? Yeah, in an effort to rectify things with me, she's only gonna take modeling jobs a reasonable distance away and skip med school altogether. Like I said before, I don't think we're ready to call it quits completely. Yall pray for us. I still love her to death and i'm still willing to have her as my wife. 

But enough of that. This story is about change. Some good, some bad. If any of you ever bothered to read my sig, there's a moment of realization in this story too. My eyes have been opened to certain things. Things that yall might not be too pleased to hear about, but i'm grateful that it's finally come to light after all these years. This story involves a friend that yall have heard me mention several times. Him and an acquaintance of his that I met...Britney. 

Some strange circumstances put this story into motion so i'll start from what I believe is the beginning. Fooling around on Myspace one night after i'd come home from the club drunk, I stumbled upon this particular girl's page and pretty much liked what I saw. Normally (for reasons yall are already aware of), I don't even look for women to meet over the internet but there was something about this girl that I responded to. I sent her a friend request and went on about my business thinking no more of it. This was right around the time I decided to seperate from Andrea and was still living at my old place. Not long after that, I took my drunk behind to bed. Naturally, I woke up the next morning with a raging hangover. I woke up and tried to eat some breakfast and what not. As I was eating, I got a text message on my phone. It was an alert that I had a new Myspace message from this girl I was interested in. Cool beans. So I sign on and check the message out. All it says is "Thanks for the add. What's up?" or something like that. I respond to it and for the most part, we message each other back and forth several times that day. I learn that her name is Sharia, she's 28, and she works at the Methodist Home (a group home for children). She lives by herself and is a homebody. She doesn't watch a whole lot of TV, but when she does watch it, she's watching wedding shows on the Style Network. More often than not, she's babysitting her Godson when she's at home (which she volunteers to do) and hasn't dated anyone in 3 years. This was totally different from what I was expecting to learn from her, but based on these things what kind of conclusion would yall draw about her? I don't know about yall, but someone that volunteers to watch another person's child all the time (after coming home from working with them all day mind you), watches weddings on TV, and stays at home all the time is wife material. Not riff-raff that I mention in other stories. Sure, those types of women are fun. And sex is fun, but that stuff is for the birds if you meet a decent chick you can introduce to your parents and stuff. Yeah, Andrea was that girl and all, but like I said she's so indecisive that I felt like i'd be waiting on her to get it together forever. Sharia would be a nice change of pace because it was obvious her biological clock was ticking.

So the following weeks (somewhere in this period, I moved into my new apartment FYI) are spent getting to know Ms. Sharia better and the more I know, the more I like her. We exchange phone numbers and start talking on the phone on a daily basis. She lives right here in Macon so the only thing that kept us from meeting right then was the fact that we had different off days. As soon as we sync'd up, we'd go out and do something. However, the couple of times we did have the same time off, something came up on her end causing us to not meet. Either she got pulled over and found out her license was suspended, or her best friend needed to go to work and had no one to watch her son, etc. It was always something. Until one day, I invited her to come with me, Sherod, and his wife when I was taking him out to eat for his birthday (this is the night 'Electric Homo' happened). She declined that time (sprained her ankle earlier that week), but said I could stop by her place before going to the restaurant so we could at least meet. So I drove clear across town to see her. When she came to the door, she looked like the person on the Myspace page. She sounded like the same person I was talking to on the phone. She answered the door holding her crutches with her ankle wrapped up so it was sprained just like she said. And her Godson was there watching Power Rangers. Honesty is awesome. It's a breath of fresh air especially after the last internet incident I had. I come in for a minute and we sit and chat. I ask her if she needs anything before I go out to eat and stuff since she was injured. Being sweet and stuff. This had nothing to do with getting laid. As far as I was concerned, I was looking for a new candidate for marraige. So far so good with Ms. Sharia. I left her that night to go out to eat and haven't seen her since.

You see, I went on vacation on the week of my birthday. Sharia and I had planned to go to Emeril's in Atlanta for the occasion. I had never been to a really nice restaurant before, with business dress, and valet parking, and all that jazz. I had always wanted to go and figured this would be a nice treat to myself for my 25th birthday going to a fancy place to eat with a lovely lady. However, things didn't come together that way. The Tuesday before my vacation, I was at work and noticing that I was getting a sore throat. I talked to Sharia that night before she went to bed but I never mentioned that I felt like I was getting sick. We were just casually chatting like we normally did and when it was time for her to go to bed for work the next morning, she said she'd call me the next day and we hung up. Wednesday was my day off, it was the first time my mom came over to see my new apartment and the first day out of many that I hadn't heard from Sharia. I didn't think too much of it, but I had sent her some texts that she never responded to and she didn't pick up the phone when I called. I figured she was busy. Thursday came around and I was flat out sick. A summer cold too (if yall remember, I posted that I was sick in this thread a few weeks ago). I felt absolutely terrible. And even more so when Sharia still didn't answer my messages or phone calls. I started thinking something might have happened to her. Whatever it was, I just hoped that she was alright and concentrated on trying to get well because I had to work Friday. Friday came around and as soon as I got to work, they could tell I was sick as a dog and they sent me right back home. So I was stuck at home alone again. With nothing to keep me busy, I dwelled on the Sharia situation. This is when I started to get a little upset. This wasn't a girl I was trying to take advantage of. I was trying to do the right thing here, and it wasn't going the way it was supposed to. And on top of this, I have a terrible cold in the summer. Saturday, I had to call in because I wasn't feeling any better. I didn't hear from Sharia that day either...

Sunday, I was feeling well enough to return to work (but not completely well). I went and it seemed that all I could talk about was Sharia being missing. I talked about it to my co-workers and everything. They could tell I was borderline depressed on top of being sick and some offered me advice (one guy told me to have some roses delivered to her job), others tried to restore my faith (maybe her phone got cut off? maybe she's having family problems? as long as you (me) didn't do anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about). I felt a little better by not being cooped up in the house by myself dwelling on the crap and having someone to talk to about it. Monday came and I was back off work again though. I had sent her a message on Myspace asking what was going on with her and I checked the status of that message Monday morning when I got off. It said that she had read it, but of course didn't reply. I was crushed. I can't really explain how I felt at that point. It was like God was telling me something about women at that point, but it didn't seem like anything God would say. You know that feeling? When you see something for what it is, but you don't really wanna believe that it's true? That's how I felt. All this time, the girls that I treated bad were the ones that always stuck around. Yet this one, that I was sweet on, wants to start ignoring me like that. I had a revelation at that moment. From that point on, my plan was to treat women like they treated themselves and not be so concerned with trying to be 'nice' to them. The idea of romance was dead to me. As far as I was concerned at that point in time, women were put on this earth for my amusement and that's what i'd use them for. To amuse the hell out of me. I already had some experience with doing this anyway. Tuesday, I was still off work. My vacation was creeping up and I no longer had birthday plans. I needed something to do that evening to clear my head so I picked up Marcus and we met BARON, at the nudie bar. Yeah, the nudie bar on a Tuesday...it was awesome actually until I met the world's first stripper that couldn't count. More on that in a moment, on the road heading to the bar, I called Jermaine just for laughs.

Jermaine: What's up, Stuckey man? What you been up to?

Me: Nothin much homes. How are things with your old lady?

Jermaine: It's goin good man. She's definitely a keeper. You and yo gul done got back together yet?

Me: Nope. I thought I had met another candidate, but she fell through.

Jermaine: Awww....bummer. (He was on speakerphone and Marcus LOL'd at "bummer") Well, I ain't really talkin to too many gulz right now becuz i'm doin the faithful thang. But I got dis one gul dat you can call. Her name is Britney.

Now past experience tells me that Jermaine doesn't pick women well at all. The majority of them are fat white chicks. I don't have anything against white women, but I got something against the fat part. That's how he likes em, so those are the ones he talks to. I know he isn't expecting me to join the party and take one of these big broads off his hands. He knows how I like women and what qualities i'm attracted to so I give him the benefit of the doubt...this time. Only because i'm still in a sour mood.

Jermaine: She a virgin though. You probably won't wanna fool wit her will you?

A VIRGIN?! JERMAINE KNOWS VIRGINS?! Who would've thought? Most of the people he associates with are the grimiest little harlots you'd ever wanna meet.

Me: That doesn't bother me. What's her number?

Jermaine: She a black gul, but talk like she white.

Me: Ok...(waiting on the number)

Jermaine: I gotta call her and let her know i'm givin you da number. She say she wanna meet somebody, but I just wanna let her know you callin first. I'll hit you back with da number.

Me: Alright.

I receive a phone call from Jermaine once we got in the club. The music was too loud so I didn't hear it. He left me a voicemail and my phone vibrated so I stepped outside to listen. This fool gave me MY OWN PHONE NUMBER in the voicemail. He read it out twice too. As I was listening to the message, he called me again. I picked it up.

Me: Yo, you--

Jermaine: Ay, my bad Stuckey man. I gave you da wrong number in that message I left.

He gives me the right number.

Jermaine: Do the best you can with that one because I don't have anythang else lined up. She look good too so don't worry 'bout dat. She built even better than Miami. 

Yall remember Miami? From the last big outing I had with Jermaine? The one that was dumb as a brick, but was also the only one that looked good? If Britney was better looking than Miami, I figured I was doing pretty good. Not that I needed help meeting chicks, but who am I to turn down help from a friend sometime?

Me: Ok homes. 'ppreciate it.

I go back inside the club and we spend the rest of the evening shooting pool and getting lap dances and stuff. They're 15 bucks each at this particular place. I paid this chick for 2 dances at the same time and she only gave me one. When she started to walk away from me, I stood up to remind her that I paid for two so I reached out to grab her arm. I see this guy from clear across the room come running up. Oh lord here we go...

WHY WOULD YOU LET YOUR BOYFRIEND COME VISIT YOU AT YOUR JOB?! WHEN YOU WORK AT THE STRIP CLUB?! HE'S INTERFERING WITH YOUR MONEY, IDIOT!! AND ON TOP OF THAT HE MIGHT GET HURT!!

The guy ran into a world of hurt. He picked a terrible time to try me. As the bouncers ran up on me and hauled me out of the club, I snatched a 20 from the stripper's waistband that tried to cheat me. Marcus and BARON came out of the club behind me. Oh well, I got to bust somebody's nose and got my money back with interest. I got back home and figured it was too late to call this Britney girl then. I'd wait until the next day at work.

The next couple days at work before my vacation, I came in and was in a pretty rotten mood. The Sharia thing was still making me feel bad and I was taking it harder than i'd normally take rejection. I guess mainly because I didn't know what happened. If you start something with a person and later on feel like it was a mistake, you let them know right? You don't just cut out on people. Statements like this flooded my brain along with thoughts like "she'll get hers...karma is nothing to play with", "who cares? it's her loss anyway. she's the one watching weddings on tv and crap...". A whole bunch of stuff i'd repeat to myself to make me feel better. You'd better understand how I felt if you were around me during that time. I felt so cheated out of something that i'd always wanted that I almost cancelled my vacation and decided i'd rather come to work than sit at home and mope. My co-workers wouldn't let me off that easily though. Especially Mr. Bradford. Mr. Bradford is the type of dude that I used to tell people I wanted to be when I got some age on me. He's 51 now. Married with 3 kids, 2 of them college grads and 1 about to go to college. The thing I like about the type of person Mr. Bradford is, is that he acknowledges the fact that he has a lot of good in his life and more importantly than that, he knows where it all came from. Pardon me, i've become a lot more religious than I used to be (hence I stopped cursing). Anyway, Mr. Bradford was the one I talked to the most about the Sharia situation. He offered me advice that I could use. One time, he caught me sitting around looking pitiful and he offered to call Sharia for me to tell her what a great guy she was passing up on. Of course I wasn't gonna let it go that far, but I appreciated it all the same. He had also planned to go to a party in Memphis, TN for the long weekend we had coming up and invited me to come along with the promise of a lot of nice females I could meet. But the thing is, I could find women just fine on my own. If that's all I wanted, I wouldn't have been upset. I wanted something REAL and I don't believe you meet that person just by chance. But anyway, I told him i'd consider taking him up on the invite.

Mr. Bradford told me he'd be leaving early Saturday morning to go to the party. When we all got off work Friday morning, I came home and went straight to sleep. When I woke up, I had a voicemail from Jermaine. It basically said that Britney asked him what was taking me so long to call. Honestly, I was still in such a daze from the Sharia thing that I forgot all about the fact that I had Britney's number and she was expecting my call. I got out of bed and groomed myself up and sat down and dialed Britney's number. Her ringback tone was that stupid Fabolous and Ne-Yo song "Make Me Better". I can remember thinking how disappointed I was gonna be when she picked up the phone. When she did, I could hear it soon as she said "Hello?". I could've been on the phone with Paris Hilton and not have known the difference. She sounded that "white" or "valley girl-ish" or however you wanna describe it. We introduced ourselves and started getting to know one another. I noticed she used the word "like" about 10 times in every sentence. As annoying as I thought it would be at first, I actually ended up thinking it was kinda cute. And it's a good thing I did, because she wouldn't shut up for anything in the world. It was cool though, because I wasn't in that much of a talking mood at the time. She asked me what took me so long to call and I told her that i'd been trying to get over a cold (I left the "trying to get over a broken heart" part out). But as we continue to get to know one another, I learn:

1. She's 19
2. She went to Westside High School where she was the flag team captain.
3. She is obsessed with Shrek. And naturally her favorite color is green.
4. She is in fact a virgin. And she is one because she's scared of the initial pain of being penetrated.
5. By her own admission, she looks good and has a lot of "sex appeal". Her best feature is her smile (which happens to be my biggest turn-on).

And several other things that weren't that big of a deal. At the time, she was staying at her aunt's house and was waiting on her cousin to get home from work so they could go out. Her cousin didn't get off until 11 though. Before I knew it, we had been on the phone talking back and forth for 2 or 3 hours. It made me feel kinda weird. It was the first time ever that Jermaine had introduced me to someone that was halfway decent. Of course the inevitable questions about Jermaine came soon after. She asked me how I met Jermaine and I told her the story the best I could without giving away the fact that he makes porno. I asked her how she met him and kindly said she didn't wanna talk about it. Fair enough, but as the conversation continued it seemed that Jermaine had gotten some things mixed up. Strange things. Prior to talking to me, Britney thought:

1. I HATED white people. (uhh...what?!)
2. I'm the silent type.
3. I HATE virgins. (you can't be serious...)
4. I have a very short fuse.

Wow. With a list like that i'm surprised she still was willing to talk to me. And it's a good thing she did so she could find out that none of that was true. Well....#4 holds true to an extent, but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. But as the conversation continued, we had some things mixed up about Jermaine as well. Prior to talking to me, Britney thought Jermaine:

1. Worked in Warner Robins. (He doesn't even have a reliable car to get there)
2. He lived with his mom...IN A HOUSE HE BOUGHT FOR HER. (Wow...)
3. This house he bought her...IS A MINI MANSION. (Double wow...)
4. He's taller than me. (That shrimp? Right...)
5. He drives an '07 Mitsubishi Galant. (If you're gonna lie about your car, do it big and say you got a Benz. You're not balling in a Galant. Oh yeah, he drives a '92 Mercury Tracer...when it feels like cranking up.)

So yeah, things are getting interesting and Britney and I both are getting pretty intrigued by all of this. What in the world was Jermaine trying to do here? It was pretty obvious at this point that the 2 of them met on that stupid Chat Line thing he always uses. She comes out and admits that part, and also the fact that they had never even met in person. Funny, they never met but they both live in Macon. I wonder why he didn't jump in his brand new Galant and shoot over there? Oh wait...

By the time we get this sorted out and are seemingly done with talking about Jermaine. Britney makes a peculiar comment that I caught in her speech. She talks fast so I don't always catch everything she says, but I heard this loud and clear. "He was, like, the SUCKIEST boyfriend ever! The worst 2 weeks of my life! GOD!" 

:o

Me: Excuse me? Who are you talking about?

Britney: Uh, Jermaine? Duh!

Me: You and Jermaine were a couple?!

Britney: Uh...yeah?

Me: But yall never met.

Britney: I know. We were supposed to meet a couple of times, but he stood me up.

I start to feel that headache coming when I know something dumb is about to happen, or something I've come to describe as "postable" (that means it's worthy of being posted in here). I figure there's no sense in running from it so I tackle the situation head-on and attempt to figure out what i'd gotten myself into.

Me: So what was sucky about being with him?

Britney: He told SO many lies! You know what he did?

Me: What?

Britney: He sent me a fake picture when we first started talking.

Me: He was a light-skinned guy with glasses?

Britney: Yeah! How did you know?!

Me: Lucky guess. (Between us, i've always kinda thought Jermaine was "gay" for Marcus. Of all of us, he's tried the hardest to get Marcus in one of his pornos and won't hesitate for a second to call Marcus "good looking". Naturally, he'd want girls to think he looked like Marcus.)

Britney: He actually said to me "lying will get you everywhere".

Me: XD So is that why yall ended up breaking up?

Britney: Not really. He just forced me to do a lot of stuff I didn't wanna do.

Me: I didn't know Jermaine could be forceful...

Britney: HE IS! He kept nagging me about sending him stupid naked pictures.

I had to excuse myself to laugh my butt off for a solid 5 minutes. I literally had to call her back because I couldn't get a word out through the laughter. I called her back and we changed the subject. She eventually volunteered to send me a picture of her. Around that time, her cousin had got off work and they were getting ready to go do their thing. She ended up sending 4 pictures. One of them was a topless one (I didn't even ask her for all that...and Jermaine had to nag her for it). Anyway, I sent one of the decent ones to Marcus to show him and told him about what Jermaine had been doing. We laughed about it for quite a while. Ignorant to the fact that this was just the tip of the iceberg. 

So that night after Marcus and I tripped out, I took one last look at the pics she sent me. Now, she didn't look bad at all. A couple of things I forgot to mention about her is the fact that 1) She's a black belt in Taekwondo. and 2) She used to be into gymnastics a bit. With that being said, body-wise she definitely has it together. And her smile is as nice as she said it was. As I looked through the pics, I couldn't believe Jermaine actually met this person on the stupid chat line. I enjoyed talking to her (so much so that I did for several hours the first time I ever talked to her...and I don't care much for phone conversation), she was attractive, and reasonably intelligent. In the back of my mind, I was thinking there was a catch. This is my life after all and nothing ever comes without some sort of "price". I wake up the next morning to the sound of me receiving a text message. "Hey baby. Do you have to work today?" It was a message from Britney. I thought to myself it was a little too soon for "baby", but disregarded it as just something people say. I went into the living room and popped in a disc from the 8th season of the Simpsons and started watching. That particular day was the day I had planned on going to see the Simpsons movie and just figured i'd watch a few episodes at home first. Sharia and I were supposed to go see it together, but of course you know how that went. At this point, I still hadn't heard from her. After a while, I got a phone call from Britney. We picked up our conversation where we left off pretty much still trying to learn stuff about one another. This is where I start learning some of the not so pleasant things about her. I learned that she:

1) Used to be a "cutter" (she would cut herself when she was upset and stuff)

2) She "used to dress gothic".

3) She used to have the eating disorder thing going on where she'd throw her food up after she ate it.

4) She didn't graduate high school. She got in a fight that was so violent they expelled her. She's working on her G.E.D.

5) She was forced to take anger-management classes and is currently in them now.

Of course I got irked out by these things (I don't care for either of the things above...some stuff is just too far out there for me). I kept my opinion to myself about this stuff and appreciated the fact that she'd come out and tell me. We moved on to talk about other things including meeting one another in person. She informed me that the optimal time for me to come by and see her is while she was still at her aunt's house. Reason being, her aunt doesn't enforce a curfew when she's over there.

Curfew? Isn't she 19? A legal adult?

Anyway, I ask her how long she's gonna be there and she informs me that she's going back home Sunday after church. At this point it was of course Saturday so she was telling me to come by and see her that day in a sort of roundabout way. I didn't have anything else going on (yet) so I said sure i'll come by. She wanted me to come and get her at night though. Kinda late at night. When I asked her why, she told me that she gets extremely horny at night. She also told me to go and buy some condoms at one point when I left the apartment to go to the Waffle House. Lucky for me, I already had some of those. I couldn't believe she was actually considering giving her VIRGINITY up to me after we've only been talking for a day and a half. It was sort of a familiar situation though. I assumed she'd come by and be all shy and stuff and wimp out the first few times. Although, at random points in conversation, she'd tell me my voice was getting her wet and stuff like that. Of course i'm thinking she's bugged out, but like I said, I didn't care anymore. I was just in it to have a good time. Mid-afternoon, I went to see my Simpsons on the big screen (loved it, if you didn't like it you're LAME) and came back home to chill out until it was time to pick Britney up. I get a call from Marcus saying he wanted to come through and play some games so I went by to pick him up since I had quite a bit of time left to kill. At a certain point in gaming, I got a call from Britney just to chit-chat before I came to pick her up. While on the phone with her I got her aunt's address. As I was writing it down, I read it back aloud to her to make sure I had it right. I noticed out the corner of my eye Marcus looking at me funny. When I hung up, I asked him about it.

Me: Yo. Why'd you look at me like that when I was getting her address?

Marcus: She said Shearwater Drive right?

Me: Yea-- OH DANG! I forgot all about that.

You see, Marcus lives on Shearwater Drive. Apparently, Britney's aunt lives 4 houses up from where I just came from picking Marcus up. He tells me that he walks by that house every morning as he's walking to work. Then he says something that gets me kinda worried.

Marcus: Now, bruh, i'm not accusing your friend of anything, but I've seen a LOT of guys going in and out of that house at night.

Me: Hmm...well, she told me that her cousin is pretty slutty. And like I said, Britney is a "virgin"...

Marcus: I just wanted you to know. You probably have nothing to worry about since she doesn't even live there.

Me: Yeah...you know i'm gonna worry anyway right?

Marcus: I figured.

Me: Thanks for letting me know though.

So we continue gaming until the time comes for me to go pick Britney up. Of course, this'll be easy because i'll be dropping Marcus back off and picking Britney up on the same exact street. I head across town and do just that. I drop Marcus off and tell him to hang out on the carport for a sec while I go up the street and get her. You can look clear over in their yard from Marcus' house and I just wanted him to be able to check her out. He obliges and I pull up in front of Britney's aunt's house and call to let her know i'm outside. Her aunt answers the phone.

Britney's Aunt: Hello? Is this Jonathan?

Me: Yes it is. Who am I speaking with?

BA: This is Britney's Aunt, how are you?

Me: I'm well. You?

BA: Doing great. So, you two are going out?

Me: Yes ma'am.

BA: And where are you going?

Me: I'm actually not sure (she wanted to come straight over to my place, but I ain't gonna tell HER that). We were gonna decide when she got in the car.

BA: Well ok. Any idea when you'll be bringing her back?

Me: We won't be out too late. I have to wake up early for church in the morning. (Brownie points FTW, even more so because I was telling the truth).

BA: Ok. I have to do the same. Britney doesn't have a key so someone will have to wake up to let her in.

Me: Ok, i'll keep that in mind.

BA: Ok, Jonathan. You take good care of her.

Me: I will. Thanks.

Britney grabs her phone from her aunt and walks outside. She looks better in person. Her figure is much MUCH nicer than I gathered from the pictures. This oughta be interesting. As we circled around to leave the neighborhood, I got a text message from Marcus.

Marcus: Dude, she fine as hell. GET DAT PUSSY! UGH!!!

I replied "I'll let you know how it goes homey." 

So we're on the way back to my place. Pretty much from the time she got in my car she was giggling about something. I asked her what was so funny and she says...

Britney: Jermaine said your car was green.

Me: ?? What? He's rode in here plenty of times. 

Britney: He got the Honda part right, but he said you drove an old green Honda and when I saw it, I wouldn't be impressed.

Me: (not believing what i'm hearing) Are you serious?

Britney: Yes. Swear to God. He said that.

I snatch my phone up and call Marcus right then. I tell Britney that this will only take a second.

Marcus: Sup?

Me: Give Larry a call. See what he's doing tomorrow. We might have a problem.

Marcus: Uh...what?

Me: You know Jermaine told this girl I drive an old green Honda?

Marcus: Say what?! Why the hell would he say that?!

Me: I don't know man. He told her when she saw it she wouldn't be impressed.

Marcus: Ok. It was one thing for him to lie about himself to make himself look better, but that's some cold-blooded **** there man.

Me: I know. I'm gonna try to put it behind me and enjoy Ms. Britney's company, but tomorrow I might have to pay him a visit.

Marcus: Ok man. I'll check up on Larry.

When I hung up, I noticed Britney wasn't looking so cheerful anymore. I figured she was feeling bad that she'd come between Jermaine and I, but I assured her that I appreciate everything she's told me. She was still kinda down about it because she knows that Jermaine and I have known each other for such a long time. She's also kinda angry at the fact that pretty much everything he ever said to her was a flat-out lie. As I get onto the interstate and start driving toward north Macon, Britney again looks kinda puzzled.

Britney: Uh...ok.

Me: Huh?

Britney: You're heading to north Macon aren't you.

Me: Yeah. Why?

Britney: Jermaine told me that you were poor and lived in the projects.

At this point i'm seeing red. I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING. This is the same dude that borrowed money from me time after time and never paid it back. The same dude that had me driving to about 5 different cities in 1 day so he could make a flick. The same dude that got me to TAPE A SCENE OF 'MOMENTS' FOR HIM. What in the world was he trying to do? Jealousy is never a good thing, but it hurts coming from someone I considered to be a friend. Sure, I talk trash about Jermaine. I come on here and post stories and what not and my friends and I crack on him, BUT WE DON'T LIE. Everything i've ever said to anyone about Jermaine is FACT and he can verify any of it himself. And even if I did front on Jermaine ever, I wouldn't do it to cockblock him. That just ain't right. Not only have I never cockblocked this dude (or anyone for that matter), I gave him the means to meet up with chicks. He's used my cell phone for hours upon hours doing the chat-line thing. He's used my gas to go meet these chicks. It was my money that paid his way into clubs and fed him when he came out the house trying to go to Magic City with 10 DOLLARS. At this point in time, I was already going through a lot. I certainly didn't need to be dealing with this. But again, I sucked it up. I wasn't gonna let it ruin my first outing with Britney. I politely laid all the cards on the table.

Me: Wow...um...ok, do me this favor.

Britney: Yeah?

Me: If there's anything else that Jermaine has said to you about me, i'd like to hear it now please.

Britney: Well, he talked about you for hours one night when I asked him about you calling. The only big thing I can think of that I haven't already said is that...

My phone goes off. It's a text message from Marcus that says "Larry's off. He says to come by tomorrow." I respond by texting "Bet."

Me: I'm sorry, go ahead.

Britney: He told me "whatever you do, don't go with him"

Me: WHAT?!

Britney: He told me to just be your friend because you just got out of a bad relationship.

Me: You gotta be kidding...

Britney: Nope. That's what he said. Don't worry about it though. He doesn't have any say in what I do. Plus, he's nothing but a liar anyway.

I was pretty much stunned by all of this. It was a lot to be taking in at one time. I couldn't really hide my discomfort from Britney when we got back to my place. She picked a DVD and put it in for us to watch. We watched that movie, then another, and then it was time to take her back home. We had a pretty decent time even though she was very shy. Definitely not the same girl that told me to go buy rubbers before I picked her up. Like I said though, that was to be expected. No need to trip on that. As I was taking her back home, I made a turn off a street. When Britney asked where we were going, I told her I was gonna ride her by Jermaine's "mini-mansion" and let her see his "new car". When we drove by, she cracked up laughing. She said Jermaine's house looked haunted. As we continued heading back to her aunt's house, I told her a few stories about Jermaine's "employment". By the time I got her home, she knew his real age (he told her he was 27), what he REALLY did for a living, and where he really lived and what he really drove. She got pretty upset by all the lying again and said she wanted to say something to him about it. I told her not to worry. I'd handle that. ASAP.

So Sunday, I got up and went to church. Afterwards I came home and took a nap. Marcus called my phone and woke me up asking when I wanted to go over to Larry's. I jumped up right then and showered and got dressed. This was an emergency. Jermaine was gonna pay for lying on me the way he did. Larry, Marcus, and I just needed to figure out how. 

So I went to pick Marcus up and we headed to Larry's house. Naturally, Larry is sitting up in the house with a movie on looking like he hadn't been anywhere in weeks. It's cool though, even though we can't get him out of the house for anything in the world, that's still my boy. We sit around and talk about random stuff for a minute like Common's new CD (QUALITY MUSIC!), the 50 Cent/Kanye West thing, and the movie Superbad. It was intriguing and we all kinda wanted to see it. So I said screw it, we found the next show playing and went to check it out. Funny movie IMO. So on the car ride back to Larry's, Marcus brings up the Jermaine situation. He asks me to tell Larry what Jermaine had done to me. So I get started telling him and as i'm telling him all these things, I notice him just nodding along. He didn't seem the least bit surprised at anything I was telling him. Mind you, Larry and Jermaine are the same age and have known one another WAY longer than Marcus or I knew him. They went to high school together even. But anyway, after i'm done explaining, Marcus adds:

Marcus: I still can't believe he would do that. If he couldn't get the chick, he couldn't get the chick. And if he couldn't, he should've just passed her on to someone else WITHOUT throwing in a whole bunch of BS. She's the one that dumped HIM. I know he doesn't think he can keep her in his pocket.

Me: My whole thing is this. If he was gonna try to screw me over like that, why did he even introduce me to the chick in the first place? To be honest with yall, that fact alone makes me kinda doubt that Jermaine even said some of these things. So before I worry about what i'm gonna do to him, I need to know if he even did it in the first place.

Larry had been silent this whole time, but after I questioned the idea of him doing it in the first place, he spoke.

Larry: Dude, this is Jermaine. He lies all the time. Yall know that. Stuckey, you remember when yall went to that club and he got the dance from that ugly girl and made you pay for it?

Me: Yeah.

Larry: You really buy that story he gave you?

Me: Well...yeah. After all, it was a stripper.

Larry: BUT THIS IS JERMAINE! He's done stuff just like that to me when we used to hang out. All i'm saying is, don't put it past him. Look at all the lies he told that girl about himself!

Me: You're right. But i'm sittin here thinking about it, and well, even though he allegedly lied on me, it didn't necessarily work against me. The girl's still into me and all that.

Larry: I'll tell you what. Call him and see what's going on.

I dial Jermaine's number, but no one picks up. His mom was probably on the phone and didn't want to click over or something. Either that or he was avoiding me. I'd call him again later after we got back to Larry's. It just so happens that he called me back when I pulled up in Larry's driveway. I told Larry and Marcus that i'd be inside in a second.

Jermaine: What you been up to, Stuckey? Did you give Britney a call yet?

Me: Yeah I did.

Jermaine: So what you thank? She alright?

Me: Yeah she's cool. But I got something I need to ask you about.

Jermaine: Ok...

Me: Is she your ex-girlfriend?

Jermaine: Uh-huh. We was only together for a couple weeks. I thought I had told you 'bout that.

Me: Nope. I heard this from Britney. Among other things.

Jermaine: Like what?

Me: You told her that I lived in the projects and drove a crappy car. You told her that I was RACIST, and you told the girl NOT TO GO WITH ME. NOW IS THAT TRUE HOMEY???

Jermaine: ......

It got ridiculously silent on the phone. I mean for a strong 60 seconds he didn't make a peep.

Me: Jermaine!

Jermaine: Yeah, Stuckey. I'm here.

Me: You wanna tell me what's goin on or do I need to come over there and ask you?

Jermaine: Look, Stuckey man. I'mma be honest witcha. I did tell her dat stuff. I didn't thank you was gonna call her.

Me: Why would you lie on me? What have I ever done to you besides stick my neck out for you? We've known each other for some years. What the hell were you thinking?

Jermaine: I'mma tell you the truth, Stuckey. I wasn't ready to give her up just yet. When she called me askin when you was gonna call her I kinda started catchin feelins for her again.

Me: (trying not to curse) Dude, yall have known each other for 2 and a half weeks. What kinda feelings do you have for this broad that are so strong that you'd lie on your boy?

Jermaine: I thought you wasn't gon' call. You don't care about most of the gulz I talk to no how. Especially not da ones from the chat line.

Me: That doesn't make it ok bruh. When you called and left me that voicemail saying that she was looking for me to call, you could've avoided all this by just telling me not to call her. Telling me that you had feelings for her and that she was your ex. I would've never bothered because I ain't gonna put a chick over my boys. You know that man.

Jermaine: You right, Stuckey. You right. Look, man I apologize about dat.

Me: WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!! Homes, I just thought of somethin. How was this your girl when you were datin that chick in Alphabet City??? (remember the "Moving Day" story?)

Jermaine: Oh. Stuckey I don't go wit her no mo...

Me: Then who were you talking about when I called you the other night. Who are you "doing the relationship thang" with?

Jermaine: This white gul dat stay in Athens.

Me: So how do you have time to catch feelings for Britney?

Jermaine: I can't really explain it, Stuckey man. It's her laugh.

......

......

......

......never ceases to amaze.

Me: You wanna run that by me one more time?

Jermaine: It's her laugh, Stuckey. Youknowwhati'msayin? It's real sexy and it just made me wanna talk to her all over again. You heard it right? (cracking up)

Me: Yeah. (not amused)

Jermaine: IT'SSHO'SEXYAIN'TIT-HAHAHA!

Me: Man, shut the hell up. I'm gonna put it to you like this. Since you can't be honest with me, don't call me anymore. Don't call asking me for anything. Don't call trying to hook me up with anybody. If you want Britney back so bad, you're gonna have to take her. But now that she knows the truth about me, AND THAT YOU LIED ON ME, you might've burned that bridge. Take care, Ric Flair.

After I hung up in his face, I went inside to confirm with Marcus and Larry that this fool really did lie on me. For all intents and purposes, that 7 year friendship was finished. You'd think the story stops somewhere along here right? Nope. Not even close. 

But no, Raziel, "the b**** wasn't lying". And I kinda liked those Shrek movies.

So when I head back inside to tell Marcus and Larry what was going on, of course Larry wasn't surprised and Marcus was still in a state of shock. I was cool with it because as far as "friendship" went, he was never really that good of a friend. He was just really funny so we kept him around. So we're sittin in Larry's house tripping out on Youtube videos and other random stuff when I get a phone call from Britney. I step out of the room for a sec to take it. I notice that during the conversation, she's giggling at times for some reason or another. I didn't like it. I figured whatever she was laughing about had something to do with me and that it was some BS.

Me: What's so funny?

Britney: ...XD I'm sorry. Guess who I talked to before I called you?

Me: Jermaine? (uh...duh, that's our only mutual "friend")

Britney: Yeah...he wouldn't stop talking about you.

Me: Oh? Was he at least telling the truth this time?

Britney: He was just asking me what I thought about you and stuff. And I kinda told him something that wasn't true.

Me: What was that?

Britney: Uh...I told him that we were going together.

Me: ...XD What did he say after you told him that?

Britney: Nothing. He got, like, really quiet for a long time.

Yep, that's what happens when he's pissed. He didn't lie on me anymore at least. I guess he realized that it was pointless at this juncture. A short while later, I told Britney that I was at a friend's house and I didn't wanna be rude so I hung up with her. As soon as I walk back into the room, my phone goes off yet again. This time it was Sherod. He's getting ready to move in a month and was going to McDonough to sign a lease for an apartment. His wife just got a new job up towards Atlanta so they'd need to move up that way. He was calling to ask if I wanted to ride to McDonough with him since I had nothing to do (at this point i'm on vacation remember?). So of course I say i'll ride with him. I get back into the room with Marcus and Larry to continue cracking on Jermaine (while watching scenes from "The Ladies Man" on Youtube). I'm starting to feel pretty good about how things are going since I found out the truth about Jermaine and the fact that I at least had someone else around to take my mind off the Sharia BS. After a while longer, I took Marcus home then went home myself. Of course the next day (Monday), was the day i'd ride with Sherod to take care of his business. McDonough ain't that far away from Macon. A little over a half an hour or something, but the drive sucks all the same with no one to talk to. This would be the first time I talked to my best friend about Sharia after talking to just about everyone else about her. Of course, he tried to make me feel better about it by putting her down and saying i'm too good for someone like that, etc. It didn't really work, but I appreciated it all the same. At some point during the drive, I got on Myspace with my cell phone and deleted her from my friend list. My reason for doing that? Well, besides the fact that she blew me off like that, I was tempted to send her another message and figured deleting her would discourage me a bit from doing that. 

So we get to McDonough and take a look at Sherod's future home. To be honest with yall, it looked like complete and utter crap. There's no way in HELL i'd pay 700+ a month for that garbage, but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. After we looked around, we went back to the rent office so he could fill out paperwork. Guess what happens while i'm waiting for Sherod? I get a phone call from Jermaine. For reasons I don't understand, I answered the call.

Me: Yo.

Jermaine: Ay, Stuckey. Wassup man?

Me: Nothin.

Jermaine: You done calmed down a bit?

Me: I'm good. What do you want?

Jermaine: Man, I just called to congratulate you, youknowwhati'msayin?

Me: On what?

Jermaine: On ol' gurl. I heard yall a item now. See? I told you everythang was gon' be alright.

Me: Nigga you ain't tell me that.

Jermaine: I did. Remember? I told you I was gon' get the white gurl and I got the white gurl. And I told you I was gon' find you somebody wit da right shape you like. See? Just like I told you.

Honest to God, yall. He's never told me anything like that. I don't forget stuff Jermaine tells me because it's usually funny. First of all, what white gurl is he talkin about? The one in Athens? I didn't hear about her until the previous day in Larry's driveway. And i've never needed his help finding anybody "wit da right shape I like" or otherwise. I cut the conversation short by telling him I was busy and hung up the phone. How are you gonna congratulate somebody that you just tried to take a dump on? That's like me going to your job and telling your manager that I saw you smokin crack in the bathrooms by the punch clock, and then take you out to eat to celebrate you getting a promotion. What kinda crap is that? About 10 minutes later, Britney calls laughing uncontrollably. When she calms down, she tells me why.

Britney: Your friend, Jermaine just called me.

Me: Ok. What's so funny?

Britney: He called to congratulate me on us being a couple. (Yall keep in mind that we're not a couple). He called himself "da king of blind dating"

Me: ...... XD

Britney: And guess what else?

Me: What?

Britney: He said he was getting married.

Me: SAY WHAT?!

This was news to me. CRAZY news. Is this cat serious? Is he makin crap up just to make Britney jealous? He did say he "had da white gul" after all. And he does talk about marraige a lot nowadays. I had to tell the homies about that one starting with Sherod. I gave him the rundown on the Britney situation too, which he cracked up about. Sherod has still never met Jermaine, but loves to hear the stories about him. I planned to get with Marcus and BARON later on that night to share the news. 

So Marcus, BARON, and I went to Sinsations later that night to shoot some pool/celebrate my birthday (I would be 25 at midnight that night). Mind you, Sinsations is the place that Shannon and Sunday work at. So we get there and head straight to the bar, then to grab a table to shoot pool. BARON's ex walks out from the back and sees us, gives all of us hugs, then starts getting on BARON's case about some sunglasses she left in his truck. Saying that if she caught another girl wearing them, somebody was gonna have to get hurt. I didn't need this chick ruining my evening. I don't know what happened between the 2 of them, but I think the girl's pretty cool and BARON is my boy, so I figure to remedy the situation, i'd get her drunk so she'd lay off of him. She's EXTREMELY friendly when she's drunk. This I know (nothing happened, but we'll keep that between us aight?), so I walk up to her and hand her a 10 dollar bill. I tell her "it's not for a dance. Go get yourself something from the bar". Always down to drink, she takes the money, gives me another hug, then gets lost. We get into the game. Somehow, while i'm playing BARON, we start talking about what transpired with the 2 girls he brought over my place that night I was trying to rekindle the flame with Erica from The Gap. Apparently, they aren't on speaking terms at all anymore and the good-looking girl (the one that was NOT the thief), was trying to pressure BARON into a relationship. He wasn't interested in it at the time and ended up having to curse her out real bad. To which she replied "Well, does your friend Stuckey have a girl?". I found it funny that she'd ask me this seeing as the night she met me, I had Erica in my room and she could hear us having sex. So BARON asks me about my situation and of course I say "I'm single and pleased with being so". He said he'd try to "throw her my way" next time he talked to her. I didn't mind that too much. So I end up beating BARON in the first game and it's Marcus's turn. During that game, Sunday comes over toward the bar to get some change for some guy trying to buy a dance from her. She notices me and I don't really have to explain what she did do I?

Sunday: MR. STUCKEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (takes off running to me)

Marcus: (before she gets to me) You betta get that pussy!

Me: UGH!!!

Marcus: XD UGH!!! Make it nasty!

She jumps in my arms and almost breaks the pool stick I was holding. It's obvious she's had a few drinks at this point. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and asks me when I came in. I tell her I haven't been there long, but I plan to be. I also informed her that my birthday was coming at 12AM. 

Sunday: Are you serious? How old will you be? 25?

Me: Yeah.

Sunday: Gettin on up there [in age] aren't you?

Me: I guess. I feel the same though. That's all that matters.

Sunday: Yeah. That's good. Shannon's here, you know.

Me: Good. I was just gonna ask about her.

Sunday: Yeah, she's back there doin it big with some group of guys. Oh!!! Guess who else is back there? You ain't gonna believe this sh**...

Me: Who?

Sunday: Vaccara.

Me & Marcus: WHAT?!?!

Do you all remember that name? Remember the story "Get (off) On The Bus"? This is the girl that 1) Lezzed off with Sunday on the bus during a field trip once and 2) Made REAL porno's with Sunday some years ago. I was interested to see what she was looking like these days. Being that Marcus has watched some of their "work", he was pretty interested too. Sunday looked at him kinda funny when he shouted WHAT?! with me. Then I remembered that I showed him one of the flicks that Sunday and Vacara had made. Uh oh...she seemed to shrug it off. How could she possibly have thought that was the case anyways? Those porno's are years old. She doesn't even know I own one. We walked over for a second to where Vacara was sitting. I was disappointed to see that she'd let herself go a bit. By no means ugly, but nowhere near as hot as she used to be (she was the hottest chick in the school if you recall). Oh well, I said hi and gave her a hug, then went back to shooting pool. On my way over to the table, Sunday told me to get with her later for my birthday gift. I told her I would and we parted ways. A few games later, it was time to grab another round of drinks and go get a table. I caught a glimpse of Shannon walking around, but she didn't see me. Oh well, there was plenty of time for that. Someone else did see me as I was sitting down though.

Miracle. The girl that took a face-full of jizz. My jizz. Unwillingly. From someone else's mouth (this happened in "I Think Jermaine Has Finally Lost His Mind" for the uninitiated). She came over and sat next to me.

Miracle: What's up? Haven't seen you in a minute.

Me: Hey there. How you been?

Miracle: I been fine. Would you like a dance next song?

Me: Uh...

Miracle: Don't worry about Sunday. Me and her squashed that.

It's hard to believe that in the world we live in, a woman can spit cum in another girl's face and they can come to an understanding about it later. There's still hope for us yet. I tell her i'll buy a dance from her and she sits in my lap until the next song. It's a shame they can't take their clothes off in that joint anymore because she was 100% GRADE A READY. Afterwards, I ask for her number with every intention of using it. She shares it with me then tells me she'll come back and check on me later. After some more drinks and cracking jokes, Sunday gets on the stage to do her thing. I go take a seat up there to throw dollars at her and make her feel special, you know? Vacara joins me and we "make it rain" for a while. Well, not really, more like made it drizzle. Afterwards, she leans down and tells me that she's gonna go in the back for a second, then she'll come over to me. It had officially been my birthday for 10 minutes and I didn't even know it.

Shannon did though.

When I turned around to go back to the table, she was sitting in my seat in a leather bikini. The strippers probably could've played limbo with the boner I had at that point. I walk over to the table and she stands up to give me a hug and tell me happy birthday. She allows me to sit down, then sits in my lap facing away from me, but looking behind her as we talk. We go through the same ol "how've you been?" "what's been up?" routine. Sunday comes over and sits in a chair next to me. Marcus and BARON are staring attentively at my situation. To keep them from gawking at me, I hand them some money to get their own broads. Not that they were broke, but free stuff is always welcome. Sunday, Shannon, and I sit there talking amongst ourselves until the song that was playing ends. No other song follows this one. The DJ stops the music long enough to wish me a happy birthday. Pretty embarrassing stuff. Getting birthday shouts in a semi-nudie bar. But oh well, he plays another song and while Shannon is sitting in my lap facing the same direction I am, Sunday proceeds to give Shannon a lap dance, which in turn is making Shannon give me a lap dance. Sort of like a double lap dance thing. It was pretty cool. And costed nothing. The joint closed around 2 (because people stopped tipping) and I made Shannon and Sunday privy to the fact that I had an apartment not far from the club. They came home with me and we had a great time on the living room floor. I looked at the clock on my cable box when we were done. It was about 5. Keep that in mind for the next chapter. 

When Shannon and Sunday left, I was pretty much spent. I'd spend a pretty decent part of my birthday afternoon in the bed sleep. I wake up to numerous text messages and missed calls from people. Some of the text messages are myspace related. People wishing me happy birthday and such, and a few were from friends. Britney had them all beat though. She left a whopping 4 voicemails and 7 text messages. I returned her call when I got out of bed. She wished me happy birthday (again) and asked me what i'd be doing. I explained that I had no official plans anymore because the ones I made (with Sharia...but I didn't tell her that) got cancelled. She tells me that she has a gift for me and wants to know if she can come over and hang out with me. When I ask her what the gift is, she of course keeps it a secret, but my mind starts to wander when I hear the porn she's watching in the background. Maybe she was getting her nerve up for her first time. I didn't know and didn't dwell on it too long. One of my missed calls was from my grandmother. She wanted me to come by so we could go to the grocery store. I went to pick her up and we went to Wal-Mart. As a b-day gift to me, she stocked my whole apartment with food and cleaning supplies, and other odds and ends I needed, plus a copy of Bioshock for Xbox 360. That was AWESOME, because I mostly would just go out to eat most of the time. It felt good to open some cabinets and see stuff in them. And if any of yall keep up with games (which i'm sure yall do), I don't believe I have to tell you how awesome Bioshock is. IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT, GET IT. IT'S QUALITY. I spent a good part of the day playing that. In fact, I played it until Britney was ready for me to come get her. When she got in the car, she seemed very different than the last time I picked her up. She was much more energetic. A bit too energetic.

Britney: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY!

Me: Thanks.

Britney: So what have you been doing for your birthday? (pulling my ear)

Me: *pretty stunned* Nothing much. Been chilling at home.

Britney: Aww, poor little guy. Well, we're gonna have a good time together!

Me: Cool. O_o

We get to my place and she reaches into her bag to pull my birthday gift out. She drew a picture of the 2 of us together and wrote a poem under the drawing. She'd told me she loved to draw and stuff earlier. She's pretty good, truth be told. The poem was pretty mushy. I hoped that I wasn't giving her the wrong idea about anything. She was still pretty pumped up at this point, thumping my nose, pulling my ear, pulling the hair off my arms, and talking pretty loud. Wow, she was getting on my nerves pretty bad, but I wasn't gonna let it mess up my day.

Turns out she didn't have to.

You see, as we're sitting there watching tv and chatting, I get a text message from my phone which I had left up on the bar. I check the message, and guess what it says? It says that I have a new myspace message...from Sharia. I was at a loss for words. I didn't know whether to be pissed or cry tears of joy. I don't know what else I have to say to help yall understand how important it was to me that she and I were cool with one another. I mean, besides Andrea, I had never really felt that way towards anybody my entire life. Sharia represented something I wanted. Something I felt at the time that I needed. She was gonna take the step that Andrea couldn't take. Fill the void that Andrea couldn't fill (despite her being the perfect girlfriend all these years). Without excusing myself from Britney, I walked back to my bedroom to sign on to Myspace and check the message out. I don't remember it word for word, but it kinda went like this:

"A lot of things have been going on in my life lately. I'm going through a lot and i'm sorry if you can't understand that. Oh, and it's real cute how you deleted me from your friend list. I wanted to send you a birthday shout on your page. Real cute. Oh, and by the way, you were bugging me with all the messages and calls. I guess it isn't time for our paths to cross. My bad."

Yeah, yall read it right. It took something as small and INSIGNIFICANT AS ME DELETING HER OFF MY FRIENDS LIST TO GET HER TO SAY A WORD TO ME. And after all this time, worrying whether or not she had been hurt or something, this is the message I got. Remember how I told yall I stopped cursing? While I typed my response to Sharia, I temporarily employed the same ol potty-mouth stuff I used to say. I was so angry that I stormed back into the living room and forgot that Britney was in there. When she turned around to look at me, I straightened my face up and played it off like everything was cool. I sit next to her, and she starts to tell me how rude it was of me to leave the room on her for a long time like that. I apologize and we get off that subject. She goes back to playing with my ears and stuff like she had been, but this time i'm REALLY not in the mood for that. Truthfully, I didn't even want her over there. I didn't want anyone there. That day there, was pretty much the first time i'd ever got my heart broken now that I think about it. My birthday no less. And now I got this hyper-active chick bugging the hell out of me. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she took the hat I was wearing off my head.

Me: Give me my hat, please.

Britney: Would you be mad if I threw it across the living room and behind your tv?

Me: Yes. Give me my hat.

She pitched it across the living room and it hit the dead center of my $1700 LCD HDTV. It didn't hurt the screen but it made a loud sound. I got up to go over to grab my hat. She jumped up, grabbed it before me, then tossed it behind the tv. As she walked back over to her seat, I walked right back over there with her. And the expletives came out again.

Me: Get the f*** up and get my hat from behind there. What the f*** is wrong with you?

Britney: I thought you didn't curse?! Why are you cursing at me?!

Me: Because you're f***ing actin STUPID. GET MY HAT NOW!

Britney: *getting up to get the hat* God, I was just playing with you!

Me: *shoving her toward the TV* HURRY THE F*** UP!!!!!!

She reaches behind the tv and grabs my hat. Then darts to the bathroom. I put my hat back on and wait by my front door with my keys out. When she came out, I'd be taking her home. I wasn't in the mood for that crap. I intended to never speak to her again after I dropped her off. I figured she'd went in the bathroom crying or something because I could hear her sniffling from my front door. It took her a very long time in the bathroom though. After a while, I went to the door to check up on her. Apparently, when I yelled at her and pushed her, I made her pee on herself. Seriously...she was so scared of me that she soiled herself. I wondered how she'd explain that one to her mother when she got home. She asked me if I had anything I could give her to put on to cover up with. All I could offer was a huge t-shirt (it was huge on her anyway...). She put it on and came out of the bathroom crying and telling me how sorry she was. It was then that I started to feel bad and I explained to her what happened when I left the room. I told her all about the Sharia incident and what I believe it did to me. Somewhere in my explaining this to her, I made the remark that i'd never been around anyone that acted all crazy like that. And I implied that she needed to get laid to calm her down. 

Britney: So do something about it.

Me: ?

She grabs my hand and puts it in between her legs then leans over to kiss me. In the back of my mind i'm thinking "are you friggin serious?? I just made you piss your pants 10 minutes ago!" But in the front of my mind i'm thinking, "UGH!!! GET THAT PUSSY!!!"

We end up in the bedroom. She has a few stipulations before she'll give it up. She says that all the lights have to be out, and music has to be playing, her music. So she goes in her bag and pulls out The All-American Rejects. Yeah, I don't know who they are either. Some rock band. She puts it in my computer. In the back of my mind i'm thinking "What the hell is this? What are they saying? Well, I guess it's kinda catchy." In the front of my mind i'm thinking, "UGH NIGGA UGH!!! GET THAT PUSSY!!! MAKE IT NASTY!!!" She cuts the computer monitor off and I cut the bedroom light off and we hop into bed. She pulls off the huge t-shirt and puts her perfect body on display. I'm telling you, she could go to that same club I was at the night before and put some of those girls to shame. I guess Taekwondo and Gymnastics has to award a chick with a pretty nice figure. We start to make out pretty heavily and eventually I reach over to get a rubber out of the nightstand drawer. I strap up and get on top of her.

Britney: Is it gonna hurt? *getting a pillow and putting it over her face*

Me: At first it might, if at any point it does let me know. I'll be gentle.

Britney: Don't hurt me!

Me: Like I said, i'll go easy on you.

As I leaned down to put it inside her, it went limp. D'oh! To make a long story short, it never came back up. I don't know if it was the romp last night with Shannon and Sunday, the Sharia incident, the heated dispute with Britney earlier, or the thought that I might hurt her when I put it in, but I couldn't get my mind right to get a boner. And here's this girl laying here with the perfect figure ready to let me get the first crack at her. I felt ashamed. She picked on me a good bit and I couldn't help but laugh with her. She was obviously relieved that we didn't go through with it. That's never happened to me until that night by the way. 

So my birthday came to an end with me sitting in my living room watching some episodes of the Simpsons on DVD. No question, this was the strangest birthday i've ever had by a long shot. A lot of things happened to me for the first time that day. Told yall this story was about change. However, as odd a day as that was, I still have some more to say. The day after my birthday, I decided to just chill out at home and do nothing. I played through a large part of Bioshock and watched a lot of TV. Of course being by myself the whole day made me start thinking about all the stuff that's been going on. And I halfway tried to put things into perspective. First thing was Jermaine. The dude lied on me and it wasn't cool at all, but what did it really do to me besides just piss me off for a little while? I mean, Britney had just been over my place the night before naked in my bed telling me how much she likes me and how she's enjoyed spending time with me and such. She said some other things, but I believe some of that stuff was just to make me feel better about my little erectile dysfunction ...XD. It's cool though, in the end, I couldn't hold it against Jermaine for too long. I mean, he's 34 years old living with his mom who enforces a friggin curfew for him. He doesn't do any real work and doesn't have a reliable way to get around. That chat-line crap is really all the man has. And here I was imposing on it. Although it was his stupid idea to have me call the chick, he doesn't really have anything else to look forward to besides trying to hook up with slutty broads and makin flicks. And even more so than all of this, i'm trying a little harder to do right by God. So I have to forgive the man don't I? I decided that was the best thing to do. He doesn't have many friends, and everybody needs at least ONE friend that actually means them some good. I talk about the guy and have some laughs, but he knows I have his back (even if he doesn't have mine). I picked up the phone to start to give him a ring and see how things were going...and if he was really getting married or not.

Then it hit me.

Yeah, I forgive the dude. Yeah, I can see myself being cool with him again. But I can't just let him off the hook like that. Not without making him pay a little. I had a plan. First, I called Marcus:

Marcus: What it is?!

Me: Chillin. MAN FIRST OF ALL, do you know I had Britney over here about to give it up last night?

Marcus: For real? That's the virgin girl you took from Jermaine right?

Me: Yeah.

Marcus: UGH!!!

Me: Yeah, she was gonna let me get a little of the pussy.

Marcus: You didn't?

Me: Man, I don't know WHAT happened to me, but I couldn't get it up!

Marcus: XDDD

Me: XD Man, she was READY too. The body was like UGH!!!

Marcus: It's happened to me too bro. Don't let it get you down too bad. She's gonna let you try again right?

Me: Yeah. But I didn't really call about that. I wanna do somethin to Jermaine.

Marcus: Like what?

This is what I had in mind. Just a little practical joke I conjured up. With Marcus' help, we came up with this. We each had a couple of Jermaine's chat-line friends' numbers in our phones still from him calling folks and stuff. We'd each go through our phones and find a couple of females that could help us out. What we wanted to do, was get one of these girls to call Jermaine and flirt it up with him. They'd tell him that they wanted to do some work with him (porn type work). When Jermaine started talking business with them, they'd agree to the terms and then tell Jermaine that all he had to do was pick them up.

At the Macon Mall in the parking lot. XD

When Jermaine went into the parking lot to pick the girl up, he'd be on the mall premises but not INSIDE the mall. This is where the second girl would come into play. When he pulled up to pick the first girl up, the second girl would exit the mall and walk out to the parking lot past his car. Hopefully, this would cause Jermaine to get out of his car to go speak to the chick. I have a buddy named Ron that I work out with that works as mall security. I'd get him to be in the vicinity when said girl is about to be picked up. Ron would rush Jermaine and cause a little scene, scaring the crap out of him and giving us a good laugh at Jermaine's expense. Yeah, I know it's a bit convoluted, but it would make me feel a little bit better knowing that he's paid for his deceit. And yeah, Jermaine's very predictable so we were dead sure that this would work. The ONLY hurdle we'd have to get past was getting Jermaine to come out to the mall in the first place. That would prove to be a little difficult seeing as the only chick we could get to help was Monyae. Yall know her from "I KNOW Jermaine Has Finally Lost His Mind". This is his buddy in Warner Robins. Jermaine pretty much knows he ain't gonna get her in a movie, so she'd make the perfect girl to get him out of his car in the parking lot. We had to promise her that Ron wouldn't hurt Jermaine when he rushed him to get her to agree to it. So that left us with a problem.

Who would get Jermaine to come out to the mall in the first place?



.....



XDDDDDDDDD


.....



Sunday'll do it. Of course she will. I called her up and asked if I could stop by to see her. She of course told me that i'm always welcome to do so. So I go over there and we hang out. I asked for her help with the Jermaine situation (after gettin a little bit of the pussy...UGH!). Now, she doesn't know Jermaine, but she's heard about him and doesn't like him. She doesn't like the fact that he lies so much. One time, he went to the club with some other friends without me knowing, and tried to get her to do a private show for him in a hotel room. He tried to fill her head with a lot of BS, but he quickly found out that she's a different breed than the chat-line chicks. I told her that he'd done me wrong and I wanted to get back at him for it, but I would need her to call him and act like she's had a change of heart about him. I assured her that all she'd have to do is call him and at the most, send him a picture of her so he'd remember who she was. She wouldn't have to be at the mall (unless she wanted to laugh with us), and wouldn't have to do anything beyond just the phone call. She was in. She suggested that she call and tell him that she got the number from me because she nagged me so much about him. She'd tell him that she's short on money and that she's willing to do what she has to do for it. Jermaine pays girls 80 bucks most of the time I think. She'd try to get 200 or something like that and allow herself to be haggled down to 80 to make it more realistic. Knowing Jermaine, that would get him out to the mall. Of course I had to put something in her one more time before I left. And with that, we were about to get started. 

So we had everything worked out and ready to go. Ron's a fool so I know he'd be down to have a little fun. He always complains at the gym about how boring his job is anyways. We were waiting on Sunday to take care of business and she'd let me know the likely day she could lure him out to the mall. The day turned out to be Friday. When she called me to let me know, she told me some more interesting information. 

Sunday: I got him for Friday evening.

Me: Ok good. I'll make sure everybody else knows.

Sunday: Baby, that boy is stupid as hell.

Me: XD Why do you say that?

Sunday: Just the stuff he was sayin, man.

Me: PLEASE TELL ME!

Sunday: Well, for one thing, he told me he's getting ready to elope with some girl.

Dang, maybe he really ain't playin about the marraige thing.

Sunday: He was talkin about both of them are gonna keep it from their parents. Ask me why.

Me: Why?

Sunday: Because the girl is 17...

My stomach turned. (I'd later find out that she turned 17 THIS year.)

Sunday: And check this out, he started talkin to me about him having sex with her. He compared it to food.

Me: XDDDDDDDDDD Food?

Sunday: Yeah. This nigga said that when he has sex with her it's like Thanksgiving dinner XD

Me: *dying of laughter* you kidding me or what?

Sunday: No, sir. He said that when they have sex it's like people sitting around the table telling what they have to be thankful for.

Me: That's even worse than "2 lions under a waterfall. Roaring and going at it." He's said that too.

We trip out for a few more minutes then she has to head off to the club. I fill Monyae, Marcus, and Ron in. Britney calls me later on that night. I let her in on what we're going to do. I make sure to ask her that if I did it, would she think it was immature. After all he'd lied to her about, she encouraged it. She even says she would've lured him out to the mall herself. I let Sherod know about this too and he insists that he comes to the mall to watch it unfold. When Friday comes, I start getting a whole bunch of calls from these different people back and forth. We're on some Jackie Brown ish like in the movie where they put the plan together to steal Samuel L. Jackson's money. We all met up at the mall about an hour before this thing was gonna happen. We sat at some tables in the food court and got a bite to eat. It was me, Monyae, Sherod, Marcus, and Britney. Sunday couldn't come out to the mall due to work, but I promised i'd fill her in if everything went over like it was supposed to. Her set-up was that she had taken a part time job out at the mall and her car was broke down so he'd need to pick her up from work so they could go get a room and do their thing. When Jermaine called her cell phone to say he was outside, we'd get it poppin. So after a while Sunday calls me and tells me to look for his car outside. Sure enough, the Mercury Tracer was out there chillin. Ron turns the corner into the food court and shows up just in time. He gets into position, then we get Monyae to stop laughing and we send her out into the parking lot. We're looking out the window directly down on his car from the second level of the food court. Monyae strolls out and starts walking pretty fast across the parking lot. We see Jermaine wave and call out to her, but she acts like she doesn't hear him. Jermaine, never missing the opportunity to flirt, cuts his lights off (i'm hoping the man didn't cut his car off) and hops out the car. He walks over to Monyae and starts yapping away. It's just a matter of time before Ron walks out in his silly security uniform with the funny hat and approaches Monyae and Jermaine. Jermaine doesn't even give Ron the opportunity to get to him before he takes off running AWAY from his car. We're upstairs tripping out, but Britney is laughing a little too loud and is drawing a whole bunch of attention to us. This leads other people to come to the window to see what we're watching. Soon, we have a whole row of people across the window watching Jermaine weave in between cars with Ron right behind him. I'm sorry, but this ranks pretty high among the funniest things i've seen in my life. Ron finally catches him and makes him go to his car.

Now here's the really messed up part. Jermaine can't start his Tracer up without a portable jump-starter. When he goes places, it's usually a bad idea to cut the car off because you don't know if it'll start back up. It didn't start back up and he was stranded at the mall (that he's lifetime banned from). We took this opportunity to go outside and help him/rub it in. When we get out there, Britney sees him for the first time face to face and busts out laughing at him. All the anger from him lying to her and stuff comes out and she ends up punching the crap out of him. Ron has to write her up for that, but Jermaine doesn't press charges. He says he deserved it. As for Marcus and I, we tell Jermaine that we're responsible for that (like he couldn't already tell) as i'm using my car to jump his off. He again says he deserves it and we even get a laugh out of him. So I guess that made us even and we could go back to being cool with one another. This thing would've went perfect if Britney hadn't hauled off and hit him, getting herself in trouble. 

So the plan did end up going well. We have Jermaine's predictability to thank for that. I wish Britney hadn't set it off on him like that though. By his own admission, she had every right to be upset with him, but I didn't see that little exchange coming from a mile away. Of course, the matter of whether or not Jermaine and I were gonna be cool was the main issue at hand. Early the next day he called me. Of course I was sitting around wasting my vacation away on a Saturday afternoon.

Me: What's the word?

Jermaine: What's happenin, Stuckey man. YEAHYOUGOTMEYESTERDAY-HAHAHA!!

Me: Hey, you had it comin dude.

Jermaine: Yeah. You right about dat. I don't blame ya. Like I said man, I ain't think you was gonna ca--

Me: Yeah I know. It's all good man. What you did was crappy, but it didn't mess anything up so I can't stay mad at you. Just be honest with folks from now on. It'll keep you out of trouble. (I can't believe i'm tellin a 34 year old man this).

So, he asked me about Britney and I. If we were still "together" and if everything was going alright. Practicing what I preach, I tell him the truth about that matter. That we were never together and Britney wanted to get back at him for lying to her so much. I also apologized for having her out at the mall which caused him to get pimp smacked like that. We got off that subject pretty quick when I asked him about this whole "marraige" thing. That's when I found out the real reason he called.

Jermaine: She's a good gul, Stuckey. And I wanted to ask you for a favor. I got some gas money and all of dat so you ain't gotta worry about dat.

Me: You wanna go see her? In Athens, right?

Jermaine: Yeah I wanna go see her, but see this the thang. She got a cousin for you and i'm tryin to see if she can round up one of her friends for Marcus.

Me: We don't even have to do that man. Seriously, I don't have anything to do until later tonight. I can take you, but it has to be soon. I'm probably going clubbing or something.

Jermaine: Ok den. Just so yall don't be left out, I was tryin to have somethin lined up.

Me: If that'll make you feel better, hook it up. If you got the gas money to do this, I don't have a problem.

We get off the phone and I call Marcus. I knew he wasn't doing anything either besides waiting on later that night so we could go get wasted somewhere or something. He was down to go and was shocked that Jermaine had gas money. I guess what went down at the mall straightened him up a little...until the next time he screws up. So I go pick Marcus up and we head to Jermaine's. As i'm picking him up, my phone rings. It's Britney. She apologizes to me for the incident yesterday and confides in me about something. She's on medication for being bipolar and on that day had not taken it. That explained how off the wall she was last time she was at my place pulling my ears and stuff. I appreciated her letting me know. She also let me know something else though that kinda worried me. She was once a patient at Riveredge Behavioral Health Center in Macon...

...where my mom works. I was 100% sure my mom knew her. I hope Britney wasn't one of the girls that my mom had to DDT or something. She's known around Riveredge for setting it off on patients that get out of hand. Anyway, we talk for a while longer setting up a date for Sunday where she could come over and give me a little of the pussy. I thought to myself "hopefully I'll be able to actually GET it this time". On the road, Jermaine lays out some peculiar ground rules for our trip to Athens.

Jermaine: Ok, now Stuckey got da cousin. Stuckey, don't worry she built like you like em. She weigh about 140. (I hold in my laughter). Now Marcus, you got da friend. My gul say she slim too. She da black one. Yall can hit them while I hit my gul. BUTYALLCAN'THITMYGULNOW. Cause she don't play dat.

Marcus: Do you honestly think we'd try to have sex with your fiance' dude?

Jermaine: NAWNAWNAW. I was just sayin.

Me: XD We read you loud and clear dude.

Jermaine: After we leave there, yall wanna stop in Atlanta at Magic City?

Me: Do you have money outside of the gas money you owe me?

Jermaine: Yeah, I got a lil bit.

Marcus: What do you think you're gonna be able to do with a "lil bit" at Magic City?

He didn't say anything. Magic City was out. I'm not coming out of my pocket for anybody on my birthday weekend. So we roll on up to Athens to go meet these chicks at Jermaine's girl's house. As you'd expect, she was a big 'un. Cute in the face though. Her name's Kim. She introduced Marcus and I to her cousin, Jessica and their friend, Alexis. Jessica was supposed to be mine. She just LOOKED like she was ready to screw somebody. Something about her just said "I NEED COCK!". She wasn't bad looking or anything, just slutty looking. Not something I really get into. Alexis wasn't cute at all. Marcus usually gets the REALLY short end of the stick when it comes to these outings. I assure him that i'm not going anywhere near Jessica's twat, so he could get at her if he wanted. He took me up on that. So the plan was to go get some rooms. Surprisingly, Jermaine was paying for them. We were gonna go there so he could "spend time with his girl" and then head back home to hit a club somewhere. We took 2 seperate cars to get to the hotel. Jessica and Alexis ride with Marcus and I while Jermaine rides alone with Kim. When they get in my car, they immediately get on my jock about it.

Jessica: D***, this is a Honda?

Me: (Looks at the big H on the steering wheel) Yeah.

Alexis: I like this. It's really nice.

Me: I appreciate it.

Jessica: So you ballin then huh?

Me: .....

Marcus starts talking to her to get her to leave me alone. It's a good thing he did. Alexis and I engage in normal conversation that has nothing to do with how much money I have. At one point, Andrea calls me. Of course, I take the call and talk to her for a while. I admit it's kinda wack that I haven't seen her the whole while I was on vacation, which is precisely why she called me. She tells me that she misses me and would like to see me before I have to go back to work. The more we talk, the more I find myself wanting to be around her. I eventually decided that after we got back from Athens, i'd skip the club and spend some time with Andrea. But until then, I had to deal with these broads and Jermaine. And to top it off, I just happen to hate Athens because it's home to the Georgia Bullsh-- I mean Bulldogs. We get to the "Quality Inn" shortly after I hang up with Andrea. Funny, I use the word Quality all the time. Marcus and I laughed at that as we were getting out of the car. We go inside and get rooms. It ends up being Marcus and I along with the 2 chicks in 1 room, with Jermaine and Kim in the other. Obviously neither Marcus or I were gonna get laid because 1) I didn't want to. and 2) Even if I did, there's no way i'd hit someone in front of another dude. NO SIR. He felt the same way so it ended up being pretty awkward like a school dance on one of those TV shows. You know, where all the guys are on one side and the girls are on the other? It went like that for a little while until Alexis gets up to excuse herself from the room. Then it got jacked up. Jessica comes over and sits between us. She puts one of her legs across my lap, and the other across Marcus'. In the sluttiest way imaginable, she asks:

Jessica: So which one of yall's gonna f*** me first?

Me: XD You're kidding right? Do you think what you're doing is attractive?

Jessica: I don't care about all of that. I just want some dick.

With that, she reaches over to undo our zippers. I jump up and look at her like she's crazy. Marcus remains seated. I signal for Marcus to get the pussy and turn around and haul tail out of the room. I ended up going into the lobby and sitting down to call Andrea back. As I did, Alexis walks over and sits next to me. I hold off on calling.

Me: What's up? Is something wrong?

Alexis: No. Why aren't you up there with Jessica?

Me: No offense, but your friend--

Alexis: Is a whore.

Me: ...XD Yeah.

Alexis: She basically told me to leave if I wasn't gonna screw anybody. She said she could handle both of yall. 

Me: I didn't feel like being handled so I left Marcus up there with her.

Alexis: So, are you seeing anybody?

I hate having to do stuff like this.

Me: No, but to be honest with you, i'm not really looking for anyone. I just brought Jermaine up here to see his girl.

Alexis: Oh ok. I see.

We sit there in awkward silence for a while. I start to feel kinda bad that she isn't getting much attention. She was probably hoping to hit it off with one of Jermaine's buddies or something. So I express to her that i'm hungry. I end up treating her to a meal at the nearby Waffle House. We started to eat in more awkward silence, but oh well. I really didn't know what else to do to make her feel better. Wait a second! Crazy stories! People generally get a kick out of those. I told her a few and she did get a kick out of them. She especially enjoyed the Carlos stuff. So after a while, I pay and we head back to the hotel room thinking that we'd given the freaky people enough time to handle their business. When we get there, Jermaine and Marcus are sitting in the lobby. Kim's car is nowhere to be found.

Me: What the hell's going on?

Alexis: Where's Kim and Jessica?

Marcus: They hauled a**.

Me: Huh? Why? Why didn't they wait for Alexis?

Jermaine: We'll explain on da way back. It's kinda complicated.

Good grief. We got in my car and Alexis gave us directions to where we could drop her off. I popped some info in on the navi system to get us back to the interstate and we were on our way. I ask them what went on and this is what they tell me. Apparently, Kim's parents are some kin to George Bush. Well, not really, but "they don't care about black people" it seems. Apparently, Marcus had a change of heart about Jessica and didn't wanna screw her. She got pissed and tried to round up Kim and leave. Kim begged Jessica to wait while she did her thing with Jermaine, but she wasn't hearing it. Jessica CALLED KIM'S PARENTS AND TOLD THEM WHERE THEY WERE. This meant that Marcus and Jermaine were stuck at the hotel with an underaged white girl and her cousin (who was legal by the way). It didn't help that they were black either. So Kim, in an effort to keep Jermaine out of trouble, rounded up Jessica and hauled tail, forgetting all about Alexis. That would've sucked pretty bad if the parents showed up there. We're talking jail time. I know yall know about the Genarlow Wilson thing. This was probably gonna be worse. So we get back to Macon and I make up an excuse as to why I can't go out. I go back home and call Andrea so she can come over. 

Andrea comes over to my place and we just kick it like we've always done. For a little while, she thought that I wasn't happy to see her or something so I spent some time convincing her that I was. We spent the longest time just sitting down and talking. The TV or stereo wasn't even on. All we could hear was us. The significance of me telling you all this, is just to tell you where this conversation ended up. Like I said, even though the title of this story is "Britney", it mostly deals with change. There are some things that will stay in your way until you make them right. So out of completely nowhere, I confessed to Andrea that I hadn't been faithful to her throughout the tenure of our relationship. Naturally, she was hurt by this but to my surprise she wasn't really angry. At first, she wanted to start naming names of different girls and stuff to pinpoint which ones i've slept with. I quickly nipped that in the butt. It wasn't really important WHO it was (it's never EVER been anyone close to her), but the fact that I did it in the first place and acknowledging that it was wrong. At some point in this conversation, she hit me with a bit of news that I didn't see coming PERIOD. I'd never been caught so far off guard up to that point. She grinned, looked at me and said:

Andrea: You know somethin? I just thought about it because she didn't call you by your last name.

Me: ?

Andrea: Do you know a girl named Sharia?

Me: O_o Yes...I do

Andrea: You two kinda fell out recently right?

Me: Yes. You know Sharia?

Andrea: Yep. When she stopped calling you and stopped talking to you, it was because of me. ...XD

Me: Well good grief. You told her to back off or something?

Andrea: No, I just brought you up in conversation and I used your name...

Me: And?

Andrea: She pretty much started ignoring me too!

We both laughed at that. Small world indeed. And here I was down in the dumps about the crap. All it took was talking to Andrea to shed some light on a situation that I didn't even think she had anything to do with. It's amazing how she continues to keep me sane without even knowing it. It turns out they met at a bar around here. Sharia had an interest in modeling (that she never told me about) and Andrea was trying to hook Sharia up with some of her connections. Through that, they became friends. Pretty good friends. And just like that, it came crashing down. Just like my friendship with Sharia did. So she spent a little more time over at my place, gave me a little of the pussy (bet you knew i'd say that), and she was on her way. To my surprise, I still had time to get out of the house and get into something. I rounded Marcus up and we went to the Neon Cowboy (where "Darkness is Spreading!" took place). When I got there, I learned a very valuable lesson.

Never, EVER, under ANY circumstance...use the ATM INSIDE a strip club. If you have to, make sure no stripper sees you. If they do, it's OPEN SEASON ON YOUR WALLET. USE BETTER JUDGEMENT AND GET SOME CASH BEFORE YOU GO INSIDE!

I did this dumb crap and this chick walks up on me as i'm counting my cash. She calls herself "Cherish". She offers me a dance, and I decline. She wasn't a bad looking girl really, but she had this thing going on with her stomach. This congregation of stretch marks that just wasn't sexy at all. When she pressed her body up against me, I thought about the stretch marks and kinda gagged. Throughout the night, she'd continue to take cracks at me. Including a time when I was socializing and shooting pool with Red (she DESTROYED me in pool by the way). Cherish tried to talk smack to me about Red on the sly, but Red heard her. This led to a pretty heated dispute. They went back into the dressing room and fought Player's Club style. They were sent home and shortly after that, Marcus and I didn't feel like dealing with the club anymore.

The next day was the day i'd pick Britney up. Britney hops in the car dressed like a slutty catholic-school girl or something. What the hell? Anyway, I pull off and act like I didn't notice it right off. The skirt is ridiculously short and she has the knee-high socks and all of that. When I finally get the nerve to ask her what she was thinking coming out of the house like that, she tells me that she thought it would turn me on. I guess she was trying to help me with my boner problem from the last time. Oh well, at least we weren't going anywhere in public and I appreciated the thought. We get to my place and start watching television. It doesn't take long for her to start pulling my ears and all that crazy stuff. Remember what I said about her needing to get laid to calm down? Yeah, when she started that crap up, it told me that it was time for me to make a move on the pussy. So we get in the bedroom and I get her prerequisites out of the way. Lights off. Check. Wack rock music. Check. Condom. Check. We start making out and touching each other's genitals and what not, and Britney's phone rings. She checks to see who it is and it's Jermaine. Get this. She answers the call to tell him that she's at my place. HE ASKS HER HAVE WE HAD SEX YET. SHE REPLIES "Hell yeah! A few times actually! We're gonna do it right now!" I'm sitting there cracking up. Jermaine goes silent. Then he hangs up on her. How dumb is that? Don't ask the question if you aren't ready for the answer. Even though at that point in time, the fact that we'd done it before was false. I'd soon remedy that though. When we were doing it, I had to convince her at the point of orgasm that she did NOT have to pee. Picture this. I'm on top of her putting the pound game to her and she's INSISTING that I get up because she's gonna pee on me. Not knowing that you can't pee and bust a nut at the same time. Turns out she was a squirter. Big time (She made it nasty). So I figure I had well made up for my past mishap. She told me that her first time was a lot better than she'd expected and then she gave me some MORE of the pussy. Ugh nigga!

Britney - We still talk on a regular basis. She still pulls my ears and crap sometimes when she's around me, but only to let me know that it's time to ravage the pussy.

Jermaine - Nutted in Kim on tape. At this time, she's 2 weeks late for her period. Jermaine admits to having a few illegitimate children, but their mothers insisted that they raise them on their own. I got a hunch that this one will get him though. Expect him to go blue collar real soon. What a dummy.

Andrea - We've been spending a whole lot of time together despite me finally coming clean about cheating on her. We've talked about that a little more in depth and the fact that she isn't even close to hating my guts probably means she's the one for me. 

Sharia - Hell if I know.

Me - Still trying to clean up my act. Still getting myself into dumb situations. Expect to hear about more of them soon. 


09-24-2007, 05:10 AM 
A Bad Batch.

One Thursday night when I was off work, I got a call from my boys Oscar and Chelsey asking if I wanted to go to The Rock. You see, Rock-a-Billy's used to be called South Beach some years ago. It was a mixed club that played anything from Blink 182 to T.I. Then it became Rock-a-Billy's and all you hear when you go in there now is T-Pain and Young Jeezy (which is very annoying, but hey, that's where the women are). A lot of people suggested that they bring back the "South Beach" vibe so in an effort to compromise, my boy Brandon (owner's son) started up "South Beach Thursdays". This works well for my boy Chelsey because he doesn't want ANYTHING to do with black chicks (he is black himself by the way). That's just his personal preference and of course he'd have more of an opportunity to meet some in a mixed crowd. So I tell them i'll stop down there since I live literally a half a mile from the club now. I meet them there standing in line. I pull them out of line and we stroll on in because i'm friends with Brandon. Let the squares pay and get patted down and crap.

Anyway, when we get in there, I make my usual stop at the bar to grab 2 of the first thing I see, which was MGD. I didn't have far to drive home so I figure why not get good and gone. Chelsey goes straight out toward the dance floor to find the white chicks (white people actually dance in clubs...around here anyway) and Oscar follows. I go around to speak to all the employees that I know and concentrate on getting drunk. After a while of hanging by myself, I get up and decide to find Chelsey and Oscar to see what was up. They were on the wall on the opposite side of the club with 4 girls. 3 were white, 1 was mixed-looking. When I get over there to see what's going on, Chelsey introduces them all to me. Sorry, I didn't remember their names (I had almost drank myself on life support at this point). I sit down and start socializing with everybody. At one point, Oscar nudges me and lets me know the deal.

Oscar: I been trying to get at the mixed one. The one sitting in Chelsey's lap, you know that's his. The one that isn't drinking has to work tomorrow so they gotta take her home. So you got the one right there.

Me: Ok.

The one I had (Nadine, if i'm not mistaken...for the story's sake i'll just call her that anyways) was nice looking, but quiet. She was downing drinks faster than any of them, but still looked composed and not drunk at all. I tapped her on the shoulder to get her to come sit near me. We made small talk and I bought her another drink when she finished with the one she had. After a while of sitting in the same spot, we got up to walk around again and after we made one last lap around the club, we started heading toward the exit. We stood out in the parking lot trying to see what was next. I invited everybody to my place since it was right up the street. The girls accepted, but they had to drive their friend home first (the one that had to work). We told them that we'd just hit the Waffle House and eat while they were gone to do that. We went to the Waffle House around the corner from my place and sat down. We all got the same thing. The Cheese Lover's All-Star Breakfast with the cheese eggs and cheese grits and all the other stuff. We ate and joked around about the pussy we were gettin ready to get. We got up and drove to my place while Chelsey called the girls and told them to just look up "J.Stuckey" in the call box when they got there. We fired up a game of Mario Golf as we waited. Right around hole 8, I started getting the bubble guts. I confided in Oscar and Chelsey that if it started getting rough, i'd have to take a break from the game to go do damage. Chelsey laughs and when he does he lets out the nastiest fart I ever heard. This makes Oscar and I laugh harder. You get the idea...

...if you don't, we all had the bubble guts. BAD. 

I get in the bathroom first. As i'm doing my thing, my phone goes off. It says unknown number, but I know the number very well. It's the front gate. I answer and it's the girls at the call box waiting on me to buzz them in. Uh oh. If they were to pull up to this apartment at that particular time, they'd be walking into a den of death and destruction. I'm sure Oscar and Chelsey were letting them fly in the living room while I was dropping Bombs over Baghdad in the bathroom. I buzzed them in, but made sure not to tell them the apartment number. When I buzzed them in it automatically hung the phone up. I jumped up, wiped, and hauled tail out of the bathroom so someone could take their turn. I tell them that they gotta move fast because I just buzzed the girls in. Oscar takes off running toward the bathroom, but his drunk behind clips up over his shoe and falls. Chelsey and I bust out laughing, but Chelsey busts out laughing so hard...that he craps his pants. Yeah. And the girls were calling my phone to ask me which apartment I was in. Chelsey says "OH S***! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?!" I'm still laughing, and Oscar says he'll wait a little longer while Chelsey cleans up. The man ended up having to take a shower and throw his pants back on with no draws. By the time he came out, the girls were in the living room so he had to figure out something to do with his draws. He calls me from the bathroom door to ask what he should do with them. I go to the kitchen and get a plastic bag for him to put them in. He puts them in there and hides them in the cabinet under the sink in the bathroom. He comes out and Oscar rushes in. At this point, the situation is so awkward that I ain't really into trying to get frisky with the ladies. I don't think Chelsey was excited about it either. So we pretty much disregarded them and sat down and finished playing Mario Golf while they talked amongst themselves. By the time we finished playing our round of 18, the girls got tired and decided to head home.

When they did, we laughed about what had happened and started up another round of Mario Golf. Those eggs at the Waffle House were ROUGH! 


09-26-2007, 05:04 AM 
It Comes Back on You (One Way or Another).

Picture a 12-story high boiler. That of course boils water. The inside of the boiler is lined with a wall of tubes. Each of these tubes constantly have water in them, under pressure, and being shot to the top of the boiler getting hotter and hotter as it goes up, eventually turning into steam. About 2 stories up from the bottom of this boiler, there are 2 huge vortexes of fire. Coal is supplied to keep this fire going, and it's being shot into the boiler from 8 different directions to create a spiral effect to the fireball. All the way up the boiler are port holes that you can open up to look inside the boiler at any time. What keeps the fire from shooting out at you? Well, the entire boiler is kept under negative pressure all the time. This keeps any fumes and the fire from coming out of a port hole when you open it up. It also keeps fire from touching the wall tubes that hold the water and melting them. The boiler is kept under negative pressure by 4 huge Induced-Draft fans. All 4 are preferred to be running to be on the safe side, pressure has to be dropped if a fan happens to cut off or something.

When I went in to work one evening, as SOON as I got there, 2 of these Induced-Draft fans cut off at the same time. The pressure did not drop. So fire, gases, and sparks were shooting out of ALL the port holes on the boiler, of which there are hundreds. No one knows how this happened, but it did and it sucked. Me and my partner Bobby hopped on the elevator and hauled tail to cut on the fire protection pumps to get the boiler cooled off from all the water. In about 20 minutes or so, we got everything under control. Unfortunately, we weren't quick enough and the fire had hit one of the wall tubes and made it spring a bad leak in 2 different places on the same tube. We had to bring the entire unit offline so mechanics could go inside of the boiler to patch these leaks up. So this meant i'd be on my feet the entire 12 hours I was there. I didn't see that coming and had actually planned on typing a chapter of "Britney" that day, but obviously I didn't get a chance too. I hardly had a chance to eat some lunch. So, as we're bringing the unit offline, the boss sends some miscellaneous personnel over to help Bobby and I out as we're working. One of the guys they sent over was Mario. He's pretty new like myself with a little over a years time working for GP. He'd help me with something particular when he got there. I had to do a clearance on the entire boiler, because obviously, mechanics can't be inside that thing if it isn't properly isolated. This meant isolating ANYTHING that could help start a fire in there. The air source and the fuel source has to be taken care of. While we're going down the clearance sheet and taking care of the different steps, we came to a particular step that gave us some trouble.

You see, once upon a time, when we had to do a boiler clearance, we had to unplug 72- ignitors from all around the boiler, so no oil would be shot inside of it while folks were in there working. We complained about that and now we only need to close off the root valve for all 72 of those ignitors. Only problem is, the root valve is about 20 feet off the ground and in a very awkward spot that's hard to get to, even with a ladder. So Mario and I walked around for quite a while looking for a ladder skinny enough to fit in that spot, or something that could get us high enough that we could climb across what was blocking us, then close the valve. We ended up seeing a man-lift thing on another unit. I don't remember the real name of this thing, but it's one of those things people use when they're changing light bulbs in the mall and stuff. The thing with wheels that's controlled by a joystick where you can drive it around, then have it lift you up and lower you when needed. That thing (whatever it's called) O_o

It happened to have the key in it, so Mario and I decided to "borrow" it for a while. Keep in mind, neither of us have ever operated one of those before and very well could've crashed into something or hurt somebody. But we were annoyed with that valve and wanted to get the clearance over with. So Mario hops on the man-lift and cranks it up. I'm in a truck driving behind him to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. We get to the spot we need to be at and Mario hops off the man-lift. I look at him like "what the hell are you doing?". Apparently, he doesn't like heights so i'd have to climb across the obstruction and open the valve myself. Whatever. I get in the thing and figure out how to lift myself up. I get to the point I need to be at, climb out, close the valve, and put a red tag on it so no one else will come open it back up. As I was climbing and manuevering, I knocked a whole bunch of dust off of what I was climbing on and it fell on Mario. His clothes and his hardhat were covered. I couldn't help but laugh.

But yeah, this would come back on me. You see, one of the parts of the clearance is to drain all the water that's inside the boiler. We use Mitrogen to do this to make sure there's no moisture left in the tubes to prevent corrosion. They called me to go outside and line the Nitrogen up so I hopped in the truck and went outside. I got to the Nitrogen tank and got out of the truck to open the supply valve. It had been raining that day and there was a lot of mud around the tank. As I was walking towards it, I kinda slipped in the mud, but didn't fall. What I did do though, was startle a nearby skunk. He starts pounding the ground trying to scare me off. I actually put my hands up like I was surrendering to police like the skunk would understand the crap. Stupid, I know. When I put my hands up, I scared him again and he sprayed the crap out of me. I ran him down and got a good swing on him with the flashlight I was carrying. He's no longer amongst the living. I had to leave early that night. And when I was at home sitting in tomato juice, I was checking this thread on my phone and told you all so. That's what that was all about. 

I smell fine now. Thanks for reading. 


09-27-2007, 01:44 AM 
Freaky's Barf-Bag Story.

This was requested by someone through PM (obviously by the cat that asked about it in here). Remember the paintball/gangbang story? That was my first time meeting Mark (better known as Freaky). I mentioned in that story that he told me about a time where he screwed his girlfriend's mom while she was throwing up in a plastic bag. As you all know, Halo 3 just came out and this revived the Halo-fests that we used to have at Crocker's girlfriend's house when Halo 2 was relatively new. Freaky happened to be there (although the only game he plays is madden). So I asked him to re-tell that story so I could post it for yall. So here it is.

Freaky - Man, I was messin with this chick, Brandy bac then. We were back in high school and I had just started driving. I used to go see Brandy and for some reason her mother loved me to death. She let me SPEND THE NIGHT over there sometimes. I'm all in the room with her daughter and s***. I remember when other dudes would call for Brandy, her mom would lie and tell them she was with me when she'd be in her room by herself, you know? One day I go by there to bring Brandy some money for somethin and she wasn't there. I came in and sat with her mom for a while and she just out of the blue asked me "why do they call you Freaky?" and i'm like "Freaky? Ms. Ashford, who calls me Freaky?" I'm tryin to play dumb with her or whatever. She says that she heard Brandy talkin on the phone and she called me Freaky while she was talkin to somebody else. So I was speechless. I literally sat there and didn't say anything. So she asks me are Brandy and I having sex. I tell her straight up "yeah, we are" and she says her daughter is lucky. I'm thinkin "what the f***?" She tells me that its been a long time since she's done it and me, knowing where this is going, I ask her what she thinks she should do about it. She asks me if I can help her with her problem and i'm like "hell yeah" cause she's fine right? So we set up a date. I get over there that day and this b**** sittin in the living room butt naked drinkin Cuervo! (I had to stop him for a minute while I laughed). I go over and sit down next to her and she starts feelin on my boys (nuts) or whatever. One thing leads to another and we're in the bedroom. I start hittin her missionary and THIS HO FALLS ASLEEP ON ME. She's drunk as hell obviously. I tell her I got somethin to wake her up and I get her to turn over so I can hit doggy. She tells me we have to stop cause she's about to throw up. I go in her pantry and grab a plastic grocery bag cause she always kept some to carry lunch to her job with. I come back in the room and she's passed out again. I get her to pick her head up for a minute and I put the bag over her face. I make sure she has some room to breathe and I hold the bag by the 2 handles like reigns on a horse or somethin. She knows what's up and she sticks her butt in the air. I'm like "this is why they call me Freaky!" I start lightin her a** up and after a while she starts throwin up. I didn't even lose wood or nothin! I just started short-strokin her so she wouldn't black out (haha! what yall know about the short-stroke? It'll make a broad fall in love with you). I got mine, put my clothes on and was out the door. I ain't talk to her or Brandy again, man. 


10-03-2007, 09:25 AM 
Chelsey Goes to Hell.

Chelsey had been talking about going to Augusta for the past 2 weeks to screw some girl he met on myspace. When he and Oscar would be at my house, he would be on the phone with her talkin about all the sex they were gonna have and even setting up a 3some. Needless to say the dude was pretty excited. When the time came, Chelsey went to the mall and dropped a few hundred dollars on some new clothes and headed off. Me and Oscar would chill out and play some Halo 3. As we were playing, Oscar gets a text message from Chelsey saying he's having a wack time. This was to be expected.

You see, Chelsey is notorious for going to see broads out of town then complaining that the girl is lame. I don't know what he's doin to them, but he can never seem to enjoy himself. This time he had a reasonable excuse. He sent us a picture of the girl he went to visit.

...i'll have you know she looks like Donkey Lips from that old Nickelodeon show Salute Your Shorts (yall remember that show?...I loved it). After having a bunch of Halo matches interrupted by his complaints, we decide to get in the car and ride to Augusta. It's about 2 hours from here and the most boring drive known to man. Some interesting things are taking place when we get there.

First of all, Chelsey bought almost 200 dollars worth of booze. From Everglow to Patron to Smirnoff Ice (for the ladies). They decided to play drinking games. They played one I think they called "circle of death". The rules were explained to me as such.

You draw a card from the deck and each card has a different meaning. Numbered cards mean the person that pulled the card had to sip that many times from their drink. The Jack meant you could pick another person and have them drink. Queen meant all ladies drink and King meant all men drink. Ace meant you could add a rule to the game (don't quote me on these rules, I wasn't really paying attention to the explanation that much). So some chick pulled an Ace and made the rule that ANY TIME another person had to drink, Chelsey had to drink 3 times. This essentially meant Chelsey was taking 3 sips with every pull from the deck. By the time we got there, he was throwing up blood and couldn't answer questions properly. The girl's name was Brittany by the way.

Brittany - He's been blacking out and throwing up blood and stuff. My friend here is a nursing student and believes he needs to go to the hospital. Should we take him?

I give a "b**** please" glare to the so-called nursing student and say "hell yeah! lets get him in the car" Brittany says she just didn't want Chelsey to be mad at her for taking him when he got the hospital bill. Uh, idiot, this is his LIFE. So what if he gets mad, he'll still be here right?

So we get him to the hospital and the nurse wants him to get in a wheelchair. He doesn't want to sit in it. Oscar puts him in the chair and they wheel him off while he waves his hands in the air like he's at a rock concert (seriously).

It turns out, it wasn't blood he was throwing up, it was some friggin Gobstoppers he'd eaten earlier. (good job "nursing student") He was fine, just drunk as hell. We went back to their place and played cards for a while, then crashed. We left the next day and went home to get back on DAT HALO. I don't think Chelsey will be making too many more road trips. 



10-23-2007, 02:11 PM 
Family Affair.

A couple of weeks ago, I was out at the mall with Sherod and Alex trying to find something to wear for Garan's birthday party. It was gonna be at The Rock and he reserved the stage as his VIP area, which was pretty interesting. This of course meant that none of us wanted to be on stage in front of all the regular club-goers wearing just anything. As i'm out at the mall with the boys shopping, I get a text message letting me know I had a myspace message from a "mrs. chapman". I figured it was one of those porn bots or something so I didn't pay it any mind. Alex found his outfit first, I found mine second, and we spent HOURS waiting on Sherod to find something. You see, earlier that morning he bought a pair of AF1's in a certain color and it was like he thought he was gonna die if he didn't wear that pair of shoes to the party. That being said, he had to find those same colors in a shirt. Somewhere during the time that he was looking, I started zoning out and decided to check my Myspace. I log on and check the Mrs. Chapman message. It was my cousin from Virginia that I hadn't seen in ages. It's been so long since i've seen her, in fact, that her message stated:

Hi Jonathan, I don't know if you remember me, but my mom was married to your Uncle Mike. Just writing to see how you're doing.

WTF? It hadn't been that long had it? She actually thought she had to spell it out for me how we were related. Oh well, I message her back saying that i'm doing well and asking her what the "Mrs. Chapman" business was about. Of course, I'd always known her as a Stuckey. She replies saying that she's engaged now and her husband is in Iraq. She's living in Dublin for the time being and wanted to get out of the house while she was here, so she called me. So I reply asking for her number because I don't wanna play message tag. I call her to see what she was doing that night. She said she was bored and miserable at home doing nothing. I invite her to the birthday party that we were going to. I'm sure Garan wouldn't mind and Sherod reassured me that he wouldn't. So she agrees to come, but she doesn't know how to get there. She does know how to get to the Macon Mall though (which is where we were) so I tell her to meet us out that way. Sherod finally finds his clothes and we sit down in the food court to eat. By the time we're done, my cousin shows up. I introduce her to everybody and we all get ready to leave the mall. There's a couple of hours to kill before the club opens so we all go home to 1) get dressed, 2) get pre-drunk, and 3) play some Halo online. So my cousin follows me to my apartment. We get inside and she's marveling at my place. She sits on my couch and turns the tv on while I go and shower and get dressed. I come back in the room and offer her a beer. I grab the whole 6 pack out the fridge and sit it on the coffee table warning her that "I get F***ED up!!" She laughs and says she had the same thing in mind. We went beer for beer meaning we both had 3. She sits there watching me play Halo with Sherod and asks me why he didn't just come over here to play. I explain how split screen sucks and how my eyesight is bad enough as it is. I suck at Halo so she got plenty of good laughs.

The time comes for us to go to the club. We stroll right in, no lines, no charge as usual. I tell my cousin that we'll be on the stage and I break off in my own direction to greet all the fellas and freaks that I could spot in there, while making a stop at the bar as well. They already had some buckets of Corona and stuff on stage so I figured i'd buy 2 more buckets to add to it. We get on stage drinking, tripping out and having a good time. My cousin is getting WASTED even faster than me which I found hilarious. What I didn't find hilarious was that the drunker she got, the more she pushed up on me.

...I just gagged in my mouth. My cousin was pushing up on me yall...

All the guys in the club (even on the stage) that she could cheat on her man with, and she's sittin up under me, HER FAMILY. It was kinda lame, but I took it as she's just drunk and doesn't know what the hell is going on. A particular song comes on and she wants me to get up and dance with her. Sherod's laughing his butt off at me dealing with this BS. I figure it couldn't be that bad because she's staggering around drunk anyway so I say "yeah, let's go". All the staggering stopped when she started dancing. It was disgusting for lack of a better word. So much so, that I couldn't make it to the end of the song. I sit her down and tell her she needs to cut it out. I remind her that she has a man, and also the fact that i'm her cousin. She says something that caught me completely off guard.

"That never stopped us before."

What the hell does she mean?! I think to myself, "whatever, she's drunk as hell". She did lay off of me after that though, so I was able to enjoy the rest of the party. After it ended, I took her back to my place. Of course she wasn't in any shape to drive so I let her have the bedroom while I took the couch in the living room. As I was getting ready to lie down, what she said to me in the club started bothering me. I quickly got up and went to ask her what she meant by that. She tells me that she was adopted (which I knew) and that she and I used to make out when we were little kids. She's 2 years older than I am and she was adopted when she was 6. Which would've made me 4 years old. I don't remember the crap so I couldn't dispute it. She also throws in the fact that she "doesn't talk to any Stuckey's except her brothers anymore. (FORGET YOU THEN!! STUCKEY FOR LIFE!!)" Even if that did take place 21 years ago (dang i'm old), I don't understand how she thought it was appropriate to be on me like that NOW. We're grown and we have good sense now don't we? At least I do. Anyway, we went to sleep and she got up and left the next afternoon. She still sends me messages on Myspace, but I don't answer them on a regular basis. I think the broad is crazy.

Thanks for reading. 


10-25-2007, 04:30 AM 
This ain't another story (yet), but rather an update on that series of events.

- Britney forgave Jermaine for all the lying he did and they once again talk on the phone once in a while.

- She still brings me the twat regularly. Ugh!

- Jermaine pissed her off again by trying to slut her out to his other friends. He set her up on a blind date with one of his other friends recently. Get this, he actually used lies to TALK THIS DUDE UP! Whereas, he put me down in his fairy tales. He told her he had his own apartment and car, of which he had neither. Their little date consisted of him bringing her to the place he lives in with his mother, while using his mother's car to pick her up. He thought he was gonna get laid, but she tells me the dude was ugly as hell so he didn't score. Jermaine called her back about some other guy, then she quit talking to him again.

- She's made several attempts to be my main squeeze. All of which have led to dumb arguments. Sooner or later i'm gonna have to cut her off. 

That's all for now. 



11-17-2007, 05:49 AM 
BARON's Stripper Ex-Girlfriend.

Last Friday night, BARON, Marcus, and I went out to the strip-joint-turned-bikini bar that you've heard about a few times before. It was a special circumstance on this particular night because earlier in the week I had run into a bit of a financial strain, but I went out with these guys anyway (they insisted) and they looked out for me. This night any and everything was on me to return the favor. This is where they chose to go so I picked Marcus up and we played The Simpsons Game (HILARIOUS game. If you can forgive the mediocre gameplay, please try it) at my place until the club opened. We contacted BARON to let him know we were about to leave. He tells us he's got 3 chicks and they're going to Grant's Lounge.

Let me tell you about Grant's Lounge. Grant's is wack. Seriously. Wack monkey s***. Grant's is a little spot in Downtown Macon where old folks go. "Oh, but Stuckey that's where all the grown & sexy females are at right?" Absolutely not. Grant's is where the old folks go AND ACT LIKE YOUNG FOLKS. That's right. If you're over the age of 45 and need a spot where you can go two-step to some Young Jeezy or "Crank Dat Soulja Boy", Grant's is your place. My uncle met his wife/baby's mother at Grant's years ago.

She's a dope addict AND a paranoid schizo. Nice going, Unc.

Anyway, Marcus and I are amazed that he's going to this wack place. And I for one am kinda pissed off because he said he wanted to come out with us and I was looking forward to treating the dude to a good time to return the favor from earlier. There was still the matter of looking out for Marcus though so we stick to our plan. We go in and go straight to the bar. He pulls out his wallet and I stop him right there. Everything from booze, to pool, to girls was on me. We got some beers and went to shoot some pool. Not long after we started playing, I spotted Miracle walking around mingling with people. She comes over to give me a hug then goes on about her business. Yall remember her right? Face full of jizz? Yeah...

So when we get tired of playing pool, we go in the back and take a seat. Any chick bold enough to walk up to us and offer a lap dance, I'd give her some money and tell her to hook Marcus up. I did this about 4 different times until he stopped me because the last girl's pussy stunk XDDDDD As we're sittin there working on getting drunk and debating taking a couple of these freaks home, BARON calls Marcus and says he's on the way out there. The club we were at is about a good 15 minutes from Grant's. Around this time, Jessica (BARON's stripper ex-girlfriend), came over to speak to Marcus and I. She and BARON are on good terms now, but she's always been on good terms with myself and Marcus, even when she was pissed with BARON. She ran over all excited and hugged us and took a seat. We were tripping out for a while and when a new song started, she jumped in my lap unprovoked (and for free). She provided me with free entertainment up until BARON got there.

Then it got even more intense.

She jumped up and took my hand and walked me to the V.I.P. section. I don't know if she was trying to piss BARON off or what, but you could tell he got drunk when he was at Grant's and couldn't care less. Anyway, when we get back there, she continues what she was doing...in the nude.

Me: Yall aren't allowed to do that anymore I thought?

Jessica: We do what we want back here.

Me: And this is what you want is it?

Jessica: Yes it is ^_^

We actually stayed back there another whole half hour. I hadn't spent a dime either. She basically sat in my lap and chatted with me. When my booze was running low, she'd flag down a waitress and tell her to get me something else. The drunker I got, the more friendly she seemed. Until I just started telling myself I had to have her. Right then and there. Only problem with that is, the V.I.P. area isn't ENTIRELY closed in, just mostly. There was definitely a chance that we'd get spotted. But hey, look where i'm posting this at.

I unzipped my fly, threw a rubber on, and started layin the wood to her on the couch in the V.I.P. Ugh niggas. We got caught though. By BARON. When we noticed he was looking at us, Jessica turns and looks at me and starts laughing. I'm rocking the "oh s***" face. I get myself together and walk out of the V.I.P. with Jessica behind me trying to pull me back in (neither one of us had gotten ours yet). I walk up to BARON and Marcus. It looked like BARON was telling Marcus what he just saw, but it didn't look like he was mad. When I went and sat down, he leaned over and said:

BARON: She wasn't gettin wild on you back there?

Me: Huh?

BARON: She start goin crazy when she's about to nut.

Me: We didn't get to that point. You came and f'ed it up.

BARON: Man, you straight. Handle your business. 

Jessica: Yeah, you straight. Who is he anyway?

BARON laughs at her statement and urges me to go back to what I was doing. He even volunteered to stand in front of the entrance so no one could peek through it. He and Marcus did actually. And I understood what he was talking about earlier. It was like my dick was a diamond and we were in Sierra Leone. Remember in "Don't Be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice In the Hood" where the chick goes ape on Marlon Wayans' character while they're screwing? It was like that minus the transformation. Very interesting to say the least.

So interesting that we've done it again since. In the V.I.P. just like before.

Thanks for reading. 


11-20-2007, 03:05 AM 
Waffle House is Like the Movies.

So earlier tonight, myself, Oscar, Chelsey, and Rodriguez were at my place playing some Halo 3. We weren't really feeling the Xbox Live thing so we just played amongst ourselves in free-for-alls. This lasted for quite a while until Rodriguez had to leave so he could get some rest before class tomorrow. This left me, Oscar, and Chelsey over here watching speedruns from various games and them checking Manhunt 2 out for the first time. When they were getting ready to leave, Chelsey mentions how hungry he is and how he has nothing to eat as his place but "some peanut butter in a jar". I offer to treat them to some Waffle House because that's a pretty f'ed up thing to have to eat. We get in our cars and go to the one right down the street from my place. This trip to the Waffle House was pretty interesting to say the least.

First of all, when we got in the parking lot, we noticed a very nice black Mercedes mini-van with 26" rims and all that good stuff. Pretty odd to have a pimped out mini-van or whatever, but still it was nice. As we were walking in we were speculating who might be the owner of said vehicle. Thinking that maybe we'd see some celebrity in there or something. It was just Gerald. Gerald Fitch.

Know who that is? If you were the biggest basketball fan known to man, you probably still wouldn't know. And yet, he was in the NBA for several years. He's "played" for the Washington Wizards, the Miami Heat, Detroit Pistons, and the Houston Rockets after playing for Kentucky in college. He may as well have been on the cheerleading squad, because he never saw any playing time for either team. Currently, he's playing ball overseas. He's probably still on the bench, but at least they're paying him. Anyways, in high school, you couldn't tell the guy anything. He was one of the snobbiest people I knew back then. You'd think he was LeBron or something. Due to this, Chelsey has a big problem with the guy. Personally, whatever he's doing, i'm proud of him. I like to see my own doing well, but that's just me. When we walk in, he's sitting with 2 females. One looks like Fantasia (the American Idol chick...as if I had to say that), and the other is pretty cute, but has braces.

We take our seats and look over the menu. There are 2 female waitresses working. One is cooking food, and the other is at Fitch's table taking their orders. Chelsey starts cracking on Fitch pretty hard about how he averaged 0.0 points per game in the NBA and had to go overseas because they offered him a little more money than the NBA did.

Oscar: Man, he plays for the Miami Heat doesn't he?

Chelsey: Man, that nigga is playin overseas now. He can give me an overseas blowjob.

Me: XD Yeah, the Heat cut him years ago.

Chelsey: Check this out though, Stuckey. You know Houston picked him up after that? He didn't play a lick there either.

Me: Dang...

At this point, Fitch gets up and walks out of the restaurant.

Oscar: He was lookin over here while you were saying that, Chelsey. He probably heard you.

Chelsey: Man, I don't give a s*** if that overseas b**** heard me. If he comes over here frontin me about it i'll put him on the IR (injured reserve).

Oscar: What kinda of shoes are those he had on? He had some funny lookin shoes on.

Me: Louis Vuitton. The man has Louis Vuitton sneakers and a Bill Cartwright jumpshot to go with em. (Bill Cartwright used to play Center for the Bulls years ago).

Chelsey: Man, I hate that stuck up b****. Yall wanna go to another Waffle House? The waitress still hasn't come over here. And I got a headache.

I look behind us and catch the waitress' eye. She says she'll be with us in just a second. So we decide to stay. At this point, we see Fitch coming back to the Waffle House from the gas station next door. At the same time, an unmarked police car comes into the parking lot and parks near our window. He storms in ahead of Fitch. Apparently in a bad mood about something. Oscar dares Chelsey to ask Fitch what team he plays for, but he doesn't do it. He lets him walk buy our table then starts talking more trash. Oscar and I laugh. The waitress finally comes over to our table. Her name tag said Tambrina.

Tambrina: How yall doin, baby dolls?

Tambrina is a plus-sized black woman. She seemed to be in a pretty pleasant mood. I think she kinda liked Oscar. As we were giving our orders, the cop that came in earlier got mad as hell and knocked a bunch of salt shakers and stuff off of a table and stormed out of the door, hopped in his car, and sped off. Tambrina cuts us off in the middle of our order to exclaim how unprofessional the cop was. Oddly enough, she does this in a very loud, angry tone laced with profanity.

Tambrina: I DON'T KNOW WHO THE F*** HE THINKS HE IS COMIN IN HERE SLAMMIN DOORS AND KNOCKIN STUFF OVER!

Oscar: That guy was a cop wasn't he?

Tambrina: I DON'T GIVE A S*** WHO HE IS! I'M A EX-CON! SO F***ING WHAT?!

I look at Chelsey and we start snickering. At this point, 2 white guys and their girlfriends come in and sit at the table between ours and Fitch's. One of the girls is in a VERY jolly mood. Tambrina is still pissed off though.

Tambrina: DON'T NO COPS NEED TO BE COMIN IN HERE AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT ACTIN LIKE THAT. I JUST DID 10 YEARS! I DON'T GIVE A F***. What would yall like to drink?

Chelsey: Sprite.

Oscar: Tea.

Me: Vanilla Coke...XD (I couldn't hold it in).

Tambrina leaves to prepare our order. We start speculating on what the waitress did 10 years for. Meanwhile, behind us, this white chick is going on and on about how she met Oprah. Oprah was at the Macon auditorium a few days ago. It was a big deal for Macon seeing as how Macon is lame. In order to get into the auditorium to meet her, people had to submit e-mails to one of the news stations saying why they should be chose to meet her. These people were handpicked and mailed tickets to go see Oprah and participate in a Q&A with her. One of these white chicks was chosen to do so apparently.

White girl: AND I SHOOK HER HAND! MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE I SHOOK HER HAND!

Chelsey: You know what? Shake my cock. How about that?

The whole table turns around and looks at us. Oscar points at Chelsey, I turn back around and look out the window. Chelsey looks at them very sternly like he dares them to say anything back to him. Eventually the stare-down ends as Tambrina brings us our drinks. Oscar strikes up a conversation with her.

Oscar: So what was that officer all pissed off about?

Tambrina: Somebody broke out of jail earlier and they were looking for him in this area. He's just all pissy because we don't have any information for him. The other waitress asked him to leave because she didn't want to disturb the customers and have yall panicking.

Hmm...seemed like a whole lot was going on at this Waffle House. Eventually, the conversation got back around to Fitch. Chelsey went back into hate mode. Shortly after that we got our food...and guess what the hell happens? A dude comes running across the parking lot...in an orange jumpsuit. It says Bibb County on it. This is the jailbird. And he's coming into the Waffle House. The white people at the table behind ours get RIGHT up and head for the door. He comes in before they can get out.

Jailbird: How yall doin tonight? Yall don't panic. OK?! I just want a bacon and cheese sandwich.

Oscar: *whispering* OH MY GOD!

Chelsey: *looks at me* Man, are you serious?

Me: You gotta be kidding.

The jailbird demands a bacon and cheese sandwich with no egg on it. He keeps scanning the restaurant as he sits and waits. I guess he wanted to make sure no one was trying to call the cops on a cell phone. This led to him eyeing our table pretty hard because Chelsey had his cell phone sitting on the table...watching an episode of Boondocks on it. Jailbird looks right at us and says...

Jailbird: Yall doin alright tonight?

Oscar: Yeah...

Jailbird: Alright. Yall cool right? I just want me somethin to eat man... (he says this while eyeing Chelsey's phone.

Me: Man, put that phone up. 

He gets his sandwich, picks it up off the plate, gives the waitress a 5 dollar bill and walks out into the cold holding his bacon sandwich. He starts running up the street in the direction of my apartment. Sighs of relief come from just about everyone in the restaurant.

Chelsey: Dude, are you f***ing serious?

Oscar: I ain't gon lie to yall. I was scared as f***

Me: Hell, you ain't the only one. It's bad enough our waitress is a convicted felon too...

Oscar: You know what? When she comes back over here, i'm gonna ask her what she did.

When she came over a little later to refill our drinks, he did just that.

Oscar: Excuse me miss, can I ask you somethin?

Tambrina: Sure, baby doll.

Oscar: It's kinda personal--

Tambrina: Armed Robbery.

Oscar: ^^; Ok.

Tambrina: AND IT AIN'T WORTH IT, BABY DOLL. CAUSE ONCE YOU GET ALL THAT MONEY, YOU CAN'T SPEND IT. WHEN YOU COME OUT, YOU SO MESSED UP THAT YOU CAN'T SPEND IT! IT'S NOTHIN BUT LEGALIZED SLAVERY!

Uh...how is jail legalized slavery? The slaves didn't f***ing do anything wrong! Jail is punishment for breaking the law ain't it?

Anyway, as we're paying and starting to leave, we catch a glimpse of the orange jumpsuit again. He's running toward the back of the parking lot, with Mr. Pissed-off Officer from earlier right behind him. The officer catches him and throws him up against...Fitch's nice new Mercedes mini-van. Now that's f'ed up. This causes Fitch and the ladies he's with to get up. We get up to the door and the officer flags for us to come on out. At this point, he has the guy on the ground with his hands behind his back cuffed up. We get in our cars with Fitch coming out right behind us. Despite all that's going on at the time, Chelsey still has the presence of mind to yell "GERALD FITCH IS A B****!!!!!!!" before speeding out of the parking lot. He and the 2 girls look at his car as it leaves, then they fixate on me as i'm leaving. Oh well...

As I pull out and go the other way toward my place, I see cop cars lined up on the side of the road. A cop flags me down and makes me stop. I guess to see if i'm the escaped convict. I let them know that he's been caught at the Waffle House and they thank me and let me through. Now i'm sitting here typing this story for yall. Pretty jacked up ain't it?

Thanks for reading. 


11-23-2007, 07:19 AM 
My Uncle Jr. Needs Calisthenics.

So like I said, Oprah came to town to do her show because of all places, Macon Ga. has her most dedicated fans. 65% of ALL tv's in Macon are tuned in to her show every single day. I guess one of the execs pointed this out to her so she decided to come down here and give away some expensive stuff to an audience full of Maconites. There were only 300 seats available for the taping of the show and due to us being the most dedicated fans, these seats were in extremely high demand. My momma tried to get on the show by sending in an e-mail AS SOON AS she heard Oprah was coming on the radio. Mind you, my mom was sitting right next to her computer at her job when this came on the radio. She logged right on to the website, but the server was so packed that she couldn't get through to send her e-mail. The 300 spots were gone in 30 somethin odd seconds from what I hear.

Yeah, we like us some Oprah around these parts.

Anyway, my mom didn't get through, but my Uncle Jr. did. It just so happened he was at the library when they announced this. Unfortunately for him though, he didn't get picked to go on the show. He did win a consolation prize though. A shopping spree at Wal-Mart. This was limited to the grocery section of Wal-Mart, but it's better than nothing. He and several others had 4 minutes to run down the aisles and grab whatever they could. The only stipulation was that he had to get at least 1 item from each aisle. Not one item from each side of the aisle, just 1 from that aisle period. This took place a few days ago and myself, my mother, and my stepdad went to Wal-Mart to cheer him on. What I witnessed...well, let me just tell you about it.

So when my Uncle knew he had won, he went out to Wal-Mart and scouted the aisles. He came up with a game plan that he didn't hesitate to share with us. He mapped out his route through the store, making note of the things he wanted most and even grabbed a buggy and did a test run. I'm sure the shoppers thought he was crazy running around throwing stuff in a buggy (that he wasn't about to pay for) with a stopwatch around his neck. We figured he was ready to take care of business and decided we'd go out there and watch for moral support. Something told me i'd have the opportunity to laugh at him. I'm glad I didn't miss it. 

So the big day comes. They sectioned off the grocery aisle and let the customers know that they were gonna run the shopping spree for 4 minutes. This left a lot of people that were there to shop just standing around waiting on the spree to finish. Some were excited to see these folks running around picking stuff up, others were inconvenienced slightly. Uncle Jr. lines up with everybody else and our plan was, every aisle he was going down, we'd be at the end of it cheering him on (or laughing at him). So they get a Wal-Mart employee to count them down. On your marks...get set...go!

Uncle Jr. takes off. He's running much faster than everybody else. And because of this, he isn't picking up very much. There was a lot of times where he'd run past something he wanted and had to back up to grab it. Everybody else was just walking at a brisk pace, getting everything they wanted. My mom and my stepdad are screaming for him to take it easy and not pass stuff he wanted. I'm trying to get it through to him that 4 minutes is quite a bit of time to get some stuff if you just walk at a slightly faster than normal pace and don't stop or back up. He isn't paying us any attention though. He gets through the first aisle before anyone and has the least amount of stuff in his buggy. He gets to the next aisle, which I think was the snack food aisle. He takes off running again and my mom yells "PUT STUFF IN YOUR BUGGY, JUNIOR!!!!" He stopped at some Goldfish crackers and went nuts on them. He had to grab about 20 bags of them. My mom yells "GO TO SOMETHING ELSE NOW!!!" and he does. He's still running though and passing stuff he needs. He hits aisle 3 the same way. Then 4. Right around aisle 5 is when the trouble starts. Uncle Jr. starts getting winded. He went from running to almost crawling down the aisles. Sadly, he was STILL passing stuff, then backing up to get it. At this point, my mom is still trying to encourage him, but my stepdad and I are laughing our butts off.

He gets to the frozen food aisle. Now if you think back to some other stuff i've posted about my Uncle Jr., you'll remember that he has narcolepsy. He had tired himself out so much in the early aisles that he fell asleep leaning on his buggy. One of the employees was looking worried thinking something was wrong with him. I yell "HE'S FINE! HE HAS NARCOLEPSY!" So the employee motions for my mom to come get the buggy from him and try to finish getting him some stuff, which was a nice gesture. But by the time my mom woke Jr. up and got him to let the buggy go, time was up. This all took place in 4 minutes. Naturally, he failed to pick something up from each aisle, but they let him keep what he had anyway because of his condition. The contestants all went to some check out lines at one end of the store where employees bagged their stuff up. Uncle Jr. fell asleep again while waiting in the check-out line. This was no doubt one of the funniest things i've ever seen him do. We ragged on him about it all day at the Thanksgiving gathering yesterday.

Thanks for reading folks. 


11-25-2007, 12:46 AM 
I Need Man-Points For This...

Well, I got invited to this ghetto-ass party that Marcus's cousin was having. There, Marcus and I met some of his cousin's friends. One is this red-bone, Janet Jackson-Abs-having broad named Crystal (that's the one I got). The other was a bit slimmer, dark-skinned, but still fine (Marcus screwed her in my dining room a while ago). After we left the ghetto-ass party, we decided to go to The Rock. When we got there she wanted some amrgaritas. She tol;d me some dumb shit like "I have 2 personalities. The other comes out when I get drunk". At firs she was on some shy shit. ANyway, the margaritsa cost a dollar so i'm all for it. After a while, she's up on stage shakin her ass for everybody while i'm sitting on the stage up at the fromt. I'm buying whatever she wants because I NEED the pussy. Before too long, we were in the V.I.P. section. WE took the velvetr rope off and said to hell weith it. We didn't pay to be therer, but we needed a couch. I'm gone off 13 heinekens right now (still very drunk). I pulled her capri's down and started hittin her BARE BACK. Hell, I don't care right now. 

Anyway, my boy Rodriguez (ayll know of him right?) comes over and "throws" me out. He doesn't get phiysical, just tells me to leave since we grew up together. I picked her up with her legs wrapped around me and my dickSTILL in her. I walked her out the club like that with dudes givin me hi-fives and everything. We went to my car like that. My dick was haging out of my zipper ...XD We get in my car and she's lickin my neck and ears and shit while i'm drivin up the street. I wakled her IN MY APARTMETN the same way we left the lcub. She's rushing me to get her to a bed. I get inside the house , leaving the door wide open, and get her in the bred. I fucked her once. Marcus called, I went back and picked him up. He did his thing with the other girl in the dining room. I put my dick back in Crystal and posted here a while ago (gimme my man-pionts). WE got back into it and I bust in her hair on accident. Thats it. The sad part is i'm gonna hit again when she gets out the tub.

Maybe i''ll cear the typos up when i'm sober. Goodnithg XDDDDD 



12-08-2007, 04:34 PM 
Waffle House 2.

Ok. Last weekend, I was pretty sick. I had a bad cold that kept me out of work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Saturday night, Oscar and Chelsey came through. They brought some doubles of Guinness in with them, but I was feeling way too bad to drink. So we were sittin there watchin "The Dog Whisperer" while they drank. Yall know of this show? It's the show with the guy that's mastered the art of training dogs. The show itself is wack like Imus's return to radio, but we were crackin jokes on it the whole time to make it mildly entertaining. When Oscar and Chelsey were good and wasted, Chelsey suggests we play Mario Golf. I lose horribly. Oscar wins as usual. Afterwards, Chelsey exclaims how hungry he is. He offers to take us all to Waffle House. This time it would be on him. So we all get in his car and head down there. 

We go to a different one this time. There are 2 right down the street from my place, but we passed those and went to the one further down Riverside. There are 3 Waffle Houses on Riverside Drive btw. 3 on the same street. That's wack like Bruce Bruce's diet. Anyway, we go in and take a seat 1 table from the bathrooms with these white chicks sitting behind us. I can already tell they're drunk and that's right up Chelsey's alley. So we give our order to the waittress and Chelsey turns around and begins talking to the white chicks. I'm not feeling well enough to get involved so I keep out of it. Chelsey finds out that they just left the Dirty Iguana. That's a new club downtown. One i'll never go in. Downtown Macon at night is f'ed up like Silent Hill and Saints Row combined. They say they had a good time and were about to go to ANOTHER club as soon as their ride got there. For some reason I don't understand, this made Chelsey get up and take his jacket off. He was wearin this EXTREMELY tight Under Armour shirt. I guess he wanted to show off to the white girls. They were too drunk to figure out his advances though (i'm a fan of being blunt myself). One of the girls I thought I knew from somewhere and the other (cuter) one wasn't talking much. They got their food and kinda tuned Chelsey out. This of course upset him.

Chelsey: Talkin 'bout some Dirty Iguana. They can give me a Dirty rim-job.

Oscar: That's nasty as f---.

I start laughing, which leads me to start coughing, which leads me to cough up something pretty nasty. I run to the bathroom to spit it out. I hear Oscar say "That's nasty as f--- too!" I go in the bathroom, take a whiz, blow my snotty nose, wash my hands then walk out. It was like I walked out into a whole different place. There were more white women at the table next to ours. The original ones had taken my seat and the one next to Oscar. As I went to go sit elsewhere, I looked out of the window and saw a limo outside. With Asian chicks and white dudes getting in and out of it. One asian broad ends up coming in with a belt in her hand. She goes into the MEN'S restroom then turns around and walks out without the belt she had. She goes back outside for a second. And turns around and comes back in with about 8 people. None of them sit down. The white girls at our table end up getting up. I guess this was the ride they were talking about. I go and take my seat back just in time for our food to be brought to us. I see a guy and a girl both walk into the men's room. The other people that had come in were hanging by the door. That's when I realized what it was they were doing.

Me: Are these crazy folks playin Hot Peas & Butter at the Waffle House???

I'm sure yall know of Hot peas & butter from playing it as a kid, but if you aren't familiar...a base is chosen. This is the safe haven and where each round begins and ends. A chosen person goes and hides a belt. Afterwards, everyone leaves the base to look for it. The person that hid the belt has to alert everyone of their "temperature" i.e. "you're getting warmer/colder" etc. The person who finds the belt, chases everybody back to the base. The catch is, until you get to that base, it's open season on you. The person that found the belt can whip you as many times as it takes for you to touch the base. Then the person that did the whipping hides the belt in the next round. When I was little, we used the ENTIRE neighborhood to play that game. the belt would be hiding in some of the most f'ed up places. But back to the matter at hand...

Chelsey: *surprised look* HELL NAWWWW!!! XD

Oscar: You know what? I bet you they are.

Right then, the guy bursts out of the men's room with the chick behind him. She hits him across the back with the belt as everybody charges out of the door. The waitresses are sitting there laughing at this whole thing. The dumb broad with the belt messes around and hits my glass. Spilling vanilla coke on my shoe. She doesn't apologize either. She just continues on with her whipping. She got like 5 lashes off the dude that was in the bathroom with her before he could get out of the doors. Of course she pissed me off when she wasted my drink and didn't apologize. So I get up and walk outside behind them calmly.

Chelsey: XDDDD OH SH--!!!

Oscar: Uh-oh...

I walk out to the limo as the girl is turning around to come back and hide the belt again. I snatch it from her, hit her about 3 good times, ran up and hit the limo several times, then threw the belt over into the Blockbuster Video parking lot.

Me: THIS IS A GODDAMNED RESTAURANT!

I turned around and walked back inside and the waitresses start applauding me. This led to several other people in the restaurant clapping. Oscar and Chelsey were sideways in their seats with laughter. The waitresses got me another coke, I went and spit up some more disgusting stuff I coughed up, then ate.

Normally, I would've had a little fun with those folks, but they picked the wrong night to screw with me.



12-08-2007, 05:38 PM 
Are You Serious???

After my cold cleared up, Marcus called me and asked me if I wanted to stop by Larry's house. I say sure and get dressed to head over there. They wanted me to come as quickly as possible because they were hungry and neither one of the niggas got a car. By the time I get there, they've already went and got something to eat via Larry's mom. When I come in, they offer me some. I notice Larry has a gigantic 73 inch tv in the living room now. It's pretty awesome, especially since the Alicia Keys "Like You'll Never See Me Again" video is on (which gets me SO HOT). At the same time, Marcus tells me that he brought over a disc he made of the Heroes season 2 episodes. Larry goes into his room to burn himself a copy and Marcus goes with him. Leaving me with 73 inches of Alicia...yum. When the video ends, I walk in Larry's room as he's trying to burn discs. After sitting there for a while, Marcus asks Larry a question about the season finale. As he begins to spoil it for me, I interrupt and let him know that I haven't seen any of the second season. I even offer to get up and leave the room so they can continue their convo. Marcus says this to me:

Marcus: You know what? I should say it anyway because yall spoiled season 1 for me.

Larry: I ain't spoiled s*** for you. You wouldn't have seen it if I didn't loan it to you anyway.

Me: Don't say "yall" when you know I didn't spoil that show. Me and you watched it around the same time.

Marcus: But yeah, you and Larry were in here havin a conversation about it though.

Me: Ok...what did I say?

Larry: Exactly, what did we say?

Marcus: Larry, you told me about the ending.

Larry: Ok, well I might have said something about it.

Marcus: Exactly.

Me: What did I say?

Marcus: You were talking about the ending with him!

Me: What did I say about the ending?

Marcus: I don't know, but you said somethin.

Me: Are you serious? You're accusing me of doing something, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID? (I get heated when people accuse me of something I know good and well I did NOT do).

Marcus: I don't remember what I text'd you about yesterday, but that doesn't mean I didn't do it.

Me: I don't know what I text'd you about yesterday either. However, I know what I did NOT text you about. And I know that I don't spoil stuff for people. PERIOD.

Marcus: But you did! Just because I don't remember doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Me: If it worked like that, OJ woulda been locked up 12 years ago. Don't ever fix your mouth to accuse me of something if you can't prove it. Your accusation doesn't have a leg to stand on in my case, so you should watch how you use the word "yall". Furthermore, if I did spoil the show for you, but you don't remember what I said, did I really spoil it for you?

Larry: XD Marcus, you better not f--- with Stuckey.

Marcus: HOLD ON. Do you know how much sense that DIDN'T make? You aren't getting away with that. I went to see "30 Days of Night" and even though I don't remember the movie, that doesn't mean I didn't go see it.

Me: IDIOT, you're telling me something YOU did now. Of course you know what it is that YOU do. You're trying to convey to Larry and I, something that I did. ME. I'M THE ONE BEING ACCUSED. By the logic you just used, if I said I didn't spoil the show "just because I don't remember" doesn't mean I DID spoil it. You just shot yourself in the foot, man. You're my boy and all, but sometimes you do this s--- where you try to feign intelligence. You're going against what i'm saying, knowing that i'm right, just to save face. Admit wrong and get off it. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "Innocent till proven guilty"? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE SHOW. Case closed.

Larry: Marcus, stop f'ing with Stuckey. Stuckey, chill.

Me: F--- that. He ain't gonna throw baseless accusations at me and neither will you or anybody else. I'm done with it.

At this point, I get a phone call. I leave the room to take it, still kinda pissed. I mean, people of SRK, tell me if I was wrong in what I said. I honestly think i'm right about this one. Besides, we both watched that show for the first time around the same time. I didn't see it that long before he did. When I finish on the phone, I come into the living room where Marcus and Larry are. Marcus gets a text message from Terrance. Terrance is a mutual friend of ours...and Terrance is wack like Todd Bridges' bank account. A few things about Terrance.

- Terrance is half black, half native american. He HATES white people with a passion. So much so, that he doesn't think ANY white woman looks good at ALL. He won't give Jessica Alba props. He won't give Jessica Biel (who gets my personal vote for hottest) any props, etc. None of them look good because they have white skin. How corny is that?

- Terrance did time in jail once. He was in the Marines and went AWOL on them. When they found him, he was watching Yuyu Hakusho. He didn't want to carry out his duties because he wanted to watch Yuyu Hakusho. Yall get that? HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE A MARINE BECAUSE IT INTERFERED WITH HIM WATCHING YU YU F'ING HAKUSHO. That's corny like James Brown's funeral arrangements.

- Terrance stabbed himself in the stomach recently. He was eating a steak and cut toward himself. His knife slipped and went right in his stomach. He sat there and finished the steak, then got medical attention. HE BRAGGED BECAUSE HE FINISHED THE STEAK FIRST. HE WANTED MAN-POINTS FOR THAT LAME CRAP. That's wacker than if Clay Aiken did a song with 50 Cent called "Life in the Ghetto".

- Terrance broke up and got back together with his last girlfriend SIXTEEN TIMES. He'd give her so much money, that even though he had a car, most days he had to walk to work because he didn't have gas. HE GAVE THE GIRL HIS GAS MONEY. AND she was cheating on him. Hell, she tried to screw ME!!!

Now this. Marcus was telling Larry as he replied to the text message that Terrance is with his girlfriend, Danielle. There are plenty of Danielle's in the world, but it's pretty f'ed up that I knew which one he was talking about. Even more f'ed up, is Danielle herself. Allow me to explain.

You see, this past summer. Oscar met this chick at the mall. She worked in the sunglasses store. They hit it off instantly. This was right around the time Oscar bought his car. So he was able to take her places and such. She had become very smitten with him over time and wanted to show it. By giving him the pussy. Oscar didn't have any condoms, but she didn't seem to mind. After getting the pussy the 3rd time, he went to take a piss and it burned like hell. He went to the doctor to get treated for gonorrhea. The medication didn't work. Turns out he didn't have gonorrhea. It was chlymidia. He got the treatment for that and it cleared right up. He called this girl and let her know that he had to get treated. Her reply...

Girl: Did you get treated for chlymidia or herpes?

Oscar: HERPES?! I had chlymidia.

Girl: Oh ok. Good. I have herpes too.

Oscar unleashed the fury on her. Cursed her out bad. Of course she started to cry and say "don't do this to me!! I really like you!!", but he kept on going. Eventually, the fell out of communication. This girl is Danielle. And she's Terrance's girlfriend of 3 months. They hooked up right after Oscar got burned by her. I'll say it again, it's f'ed up that out of so many Danielle's in the world, I knew which one Marcus was talking about. Even though I wasn't willing to forgive his dumb ass just yet, I spoke out on this situation.

Me: OH SH--. You don't mean thick Danielle?

Marcus: Yeah she's kinda thick.

Me: Works at the sunglasses store in the mall?

Marcus: Yeah.

Me: She's going with Terrance?!

Marcus: They been together for some months now.

Me: Are you serious?

Marcus: Yeah, why?

Me: Are you honest? Are you solemn? Are you forthright?

Marcus: XD Yeah! Why??

Me: That girl has the kin-folk...AMONG OTHER THINGS

Marcus: Herpes?

Me: Yeah. Kin-folk.

Marcus: Are you serious?

Me: Yep!

I called Oscar and put him on speaker phone. Oscar ran down the whole situation. After he was done, I told him she goes with Terrance.

Oscar: Are you f'ing serious?

Me & Marcus: Yep!

Oscar: Oh sh--, hold on.

Oscar comes back on the line with Chelsey.

Oscar: Hey, Chelsey. Guess who's goin with Danielle now?

Chelsey: Who's goin with that nasty b----?

Oscar: Terrance.

Chelsey: .....Areyouserious?

Oscar: Yep!

Chelsey: Hell nawl!!!

Marcus: And guess what?

Me: ?

Marcus: He told me that they've had unprotected sex a bunch of times.

Me, Oscar, Larry, and Chelsey: AREYOUSERIOUS??

Marcus: Yep!

Oscar: Man, she didn't tell me until after the fact. She probably didn't tell Terry either.

Me: Oh sh--

Marcus: I guess this means I have to tell him.

Me: You don't want me to tell him...i'll make fun of him about it.

It just so happens Marcus recently got Terrance a job where he works. He'd have to tell him there. When he did, Terrance didn't seem to care. I'm guessing he already got burned and has long since learned to cope with it. He and Danielle are using the L word real heavy right now and he still hits it bareback.

Are you friggin serious? You sincere with this crap?

Thanks for reading. 


12-10-2007, 12:47 AM 
Marcus & Mexicans.

Ok, i'm bored as hell right now. I finally secured the second Kim Kardashian porn, but it's WACKER THAN GEORGE BUSH SR.'S MEMORY. Such a waste of hotness. So I cut that lame crap off and figured i'd post this story up. This took place Friday. I posted at some point Friday sayin that Marcus had lost his mind and I was in the midst of more crazy happenings. I'll tell yall what that was all about.

I woke up around 4pm Friday. I had got off work that morning and intended on going to the barber shop before I went to bed, but was way too tired to fool with it. When I woke up, I decided it was too late in the afternoon to go to the barbershop because I hate waiting in line. The line at the barbershop I go to on Friday afternoon is wack like Condoleeza Rice's sex life. So when I got up, I figured i'd trim my hair up myself. So I go in the bathroom and get the clippers and get started. Halfway into trimming my beard, the friggin clippers decided to stop working. So I was sitting in the mirror looking JACKED up. I don't keep a razor around because I don't fool with shaving so I had to find a familiar place, preferably with family members that wouldn't laugh at me too hard, and borrow some clippers to finish the job. As I was getting dressed to go do this, Calvin hits me up. I don't talk too much about Calvin in stories because I hardly ever see him. He's trying to finish up school and it's been about 6 months since he's been in Macon. So he calls me to let me know that he's in town for the holidays and such and wants to know what i'm getting into. Truthfully, I didn't feel like doing too much, but since the guy is in town I figured i'd try to get something worked out for later on. Not knowing where to start, I sent out a text message to everyone in my phone (excluding parents, straight chicks, and other family members) that read "Where them freaks?". This netted me a few responses as I was on the way to my grandmother's to borrow some clippers. The responses:

Twin: I don't know. We playin Halo at Ebony's house tonight.
"Eh...Halo's wack like Soulja Boy's grammy nomination. I'll pass this time."

Xavier: I should be askin you that. I don't have anything going on tonight, but we goin out to watch that fight tomorrow.
"Sounds good for tomorrow, but Calvin wants to get out tonight."

BARON: That's what i'm talkin bout! Let me know what yall come up wit...
"Um, nigga I was askin YOU."

Marcus: I've already been drinkin. I'm going out to the mall for a minute, then I think i'm going to Sinsations.
"Good lord. Macon is wack like Al Sharpton's repossessed Cadillac. Is that all we got?"

Marcus: ...or Neon Cowboy.
"Again, is that all we got?"

I had to choose between 2 places that I feel we frankly go to too friggin much. To make it easy on myself, I call Red to see if she'd be working at the Neon that evening. As repetitive as going would be, at least i'd be able to get some WET-WET out of the deal if she was there. Ugh...but to no avail. She said she'd be staying in, but I could come by or she'd come to my place. That'd suit me fine, but this is about Calvin. So I text Marcus back saying i'll meet him at the mall and we'd go to Sinsations. By this time, i'm at my grandmother's house. I walk in with my jacket zipped all the way up covering most of my face, finish my haircut, then sit and talk with my grandma for a while. I tell Calvin to head to the mall since it'd take him a good minute to get there from Gray. So I kill some time and head out to the mall. Calvin and I get there long before Marcus. I start shopping for something to wear because i'm not feelin what I got on. We go to a few stores and eventually Marcus arrives and we all meet up. That's when I whip out my phone and show off the Gary Coleman eBay chronicles. If any of yall have been to the Gary Coleman thread on this site (or at least saw the pic I posted in this thread), you know what i'm talking about. At this point, I had been laughing at that same handful of pictures for 4 days straight. I just couldn't keep myself from cracking up every single time I looked at one of the pics. So I showed them and we all tripped out about it. Even though it was new to them, I was still laughing harder than they were. I laughed so hard in the food court that I couldn't even order my food. I could only point to what I wanted on the menu. This led to laughter spreading throughout most of the food court. Just about everybody was laughing and didn't know what the hell for. At me I guess, but whatever.

So I sat there and ate, then we let BARON know what we were gonna do. From there, we started to leave the mall. As we were on our way out, Marcus spots this spanish chick. He wants to talk to her bad, and Calvin and I are urging him to go ahead and handle his business. His response is f'ed up. Much like he was in the remainder of this story.

Marcus: I would man...but I was talkin to my girl earlier. And she gave me permission to nut in her.

Calvin: Wtf?

Me: O_o

Marcus: She's gonna be back in town for good in a few weeks. That's all i've been able to think about since she said it. I never knew she'd allow me to do that.

Me: That has WHAT to do with this chick here? Your girl gave you permission to have friends while she's away right?

Marcus: Yeah, but I can't talk to anybody else right now. I'm too distracted.

Me: Whatever.

So we start leaving the mall again, we're walking through Dillard's and I spot my boy Mario from work. Yall might remember Mario as the dude that stole the cart thing at work the same night I got sprayed by that skunk. I walk over to talk with him for a second while Calvin goes upstairs to return something he'd bought earlier. As i'm chatting, Marcus walks up behind me and asks where Calvin went. I tell him he's upstairs and off he goes. I sit there chatting a while longer and Calvin comes back downstairs without Marcus. Apparently, Calvin never saw Marcus when he came upstairs. So as we're leaving the mall, i'm texting Marcus to find out where the hell he went. After several unanswered calls and texts. He finally responds "Go on without me! I'll catch up! I ran into ol' girl!".

Me: I guess he means the spanish chick.

Calvin: Man, he coulda already handled that ish.

Me: Yep. The problem with this is, he doesn't have a friggin car. I'm not even sure how he got to the mall.

Calvin: His drunk behind probably walked. You saw how long it took him to get here.

Me: Yeah. What can I say? He's a grown man.

Calvin: Yep. I'm riding with you.

So Calvin checks out the new car I got and we get in and drive across town. We're right down the street from Sinsations when BARON calls me to see where I am. He's en route to the place while we stop at a nearby Wendy's so Calvin can get some food. As we wait on his order, he asks me about the club.

Calvin: So what is this place, like a bar?

Me: Used to be a strip joint. You remember when I told you about that chick goin crazy and spittin my semen at another girl?

Calvin: XDDD OHHHH!!! THAT'S THE PLACE?!

Me: Yeah. They don't do the nudie stuff anymore. It's a slightly more-revealing Hooters ;_;

Calvin: Hell naw. Do they have a cover charge?

Me: 5 bucks before 11.

Calvin: 5 DOLLARS?!?! MAAAAAAN, I CAN'T F*** WITH THAT. I definitely don't wanna fool with that.

Would've been nice if he would've told me he was broke before he hopped in my car and rode across town with me. When he gets his food, I call BARON to let him know i'll be running late because I had to drive back to the mall to drop Calvin off. He asks me where Marcus is, and I tell him that I don't have the slightest idea. I get back to the mall and decide to hit Marcus up before I pull off. Just in case he's still at the mall. I text and call. I don't get an answer from either. I pull off headed home to change my clothes. By the time I get home, Marcus texts me saying "I'm on the interstate!". I'm guessin he has his own transportation for the evening. He CAN'T be walking from the mall to Sinsations can he??? I finish getting dressed and head back down the street to the club. I get inside and BARON's already in there hugged up with about 3 chicks. I swear he lives in that place. This lame establishment had the nerve to have drink specials that night so I bought a 5 dollar pitcher of MGD and started working on it. BARON's stripper ex-girlfriend was there. No Sunday (out of town) and apparently Shannon was too. I think they went to work at a real strip club to make some better money or something. Oh well. Miracle was there too. She even shot some pool with me and helped me work on my pitchers (and I did show her the Gary Coleman pictures...and laughed harder than she did). After about an hour of being there, Marcus texts me asking where I am. I tell him BARON and I are at the club and he says he's down the street and will be there in a minute. It takes him another 15 minutes to get there. He's sweating and looking mad raunchy.

Me: Man...where the HELL have you been?

Marcus: *snatches my beer and chugs it* Man...i'll tell you later. Right now I gotta get my buzz back.

He goes off and buys another pitcher and brings it over. After he's had a few, he volunteers the information.

Marcus: Ok so...you remember the spanish b****?

I can tell by his choice of words that it didn't go so well.

Me: Yeah.

Marcus: Ok, so i'm talking to her right? We sat there and talked for like 30 minutes. I'm gettin to know her and all that and everything is going really good. I wish she would've mentioned her boyfriend was in the store across the hall though.

Me: XD What happened? He walked up on you?

Marcus: She waited until he came in the store we were in to tell me. It was too late by then. He and his brother walked up on me. He said something to her in Spanish, then she said something back to him in Spanish.

Me: Ok...

Marcus: So I said something to him in Japanese. Then she looks at me, and I say something to her in Japanese. Then I say "It doesn't feel good to not know what somebody's saying does it?"

- No, the nigga don't know Japanese. He probably said some wack anime ish to them people.

Me: So what happened then?

Marcus: The 2 dudes tried to rush me. So I took off. While I was running through the mall, I ended up running into the chick I met at The Rock last time we went (The one he boned in my dining room). She was about to leave the mall, so I left with her. We went and sat down at Cheddar's and ate. I had a few more drinks down there. She ended up pissing me off, so I stormed out of there and walked all the way down here.

Me: ......

BARON walks around the corner and greets his brother. Then he looks at me like "Why is he standin here lookin musty as hell?" All I can do is shake my head.

We shoot a few rounds of pool. At one point, this one dancer comes up to us and asks us if we want dances. For the purpose of this story, i'll refer to this woman as OLD BIRD. I say that because she looks like she's in her 50s. And her body in a bikini is wack like September 11th. She has this jacked up british accent (black chick), but claims she's from "The A". We politely decline dances from her, but I did show her the Gary Coleman pictures. I laughed harder than she did. After a few more rounds of pool, we go in the back to where all the dancers are and stuff. I see something mad jacked up when I get back there. Friggin Geneva...

Now, Geneva is Sherod's first cousin. In that regard, she's like family to me. But i'll say this, I used to have the BIGGEST crush on her when we were kids. It started to fade after we got older and I met Andrea. I also wasn't feelin her attitude. In middle/high school, she used to get suspended very regularly. SHE USED TO FIGHT TEACHERS. And she's friggin gorgeous, but if you piss her off, she's willing to risk messing her beautiful face up from fighting you. Man or woman. Regardless of age, size, etc. She's workin at this place now, and Marcus falls in love with her when he sees her.

Marcus: Oh sh--! Fresh meat!

Me: I'm gonna tell you somethin f'ed up. She's like kin to me. Don't let that stop you from doing your thing though if you want. I just feel inclined to tell you that she's crazy.

Marcus: Crazy how?

Me: She'll fight you and your mom at the same time if you tell her that her hair's not real (this happened before).

Marcus: XD

I walk off and sit somewhere with Miracle while BARON and Marcus continue drinking. Next to the couch we're sitting on, a mexican dude comes up with OLD BIRD getting ready to get a dance from her. I show him the picture of Gary Coleman before they get started. I bust out laughing again. Now, as with any strip club, the same "Touch & Go policy" applies at this joint. If you put your hands on the dancers, they kick you out. Plain & simple. I guess the Mexican guy couldn't read the signs that were hanging up describing this policy because his hands were ALL OVER OLD BIRD. Miracle and I sit there laughing at this whole situation. This catches a few other people's attention too. He's grabbin her cooch, grabbin her butt, spankin her, LIFTING HER UP OVER HIS HEAD, and just doing whatever he feels like doing. OLD BIRD is laughing at the whole thing so I guess that makes it ok because no one kicked his butt out.

Miracle: I'd slap the s*** out of him.

Me: So would I. No one's fondling your genitals but me.

This goes on for a little while longer until the guy feels like getting up. He walks over to the stage, where Marcus is standing and tipping Geneva. This dude starts doin the funky chicken or pop-lockin or somethin right there by the stage. Then, he starts feeling Geneva up. WHILE SHE'S ON STAGE IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY. That crap might've worked with OLD BIRD, but like I said earlier, my play-cousin is crazy as hell. She swings on the mexican dude and hits Marcus. This makes Marcus turn and swing on the mexican. This makes me have to get up to go settle him down. BARON's nowhere to be found at the moment. I pull Marcus to the side and surprisingly, he doesn't get thrown out. Mexican guy gets tossed though. Geneva's crazy arse wants to friggin go outside with him, in the cold, in her bikini to finish swingin on him. They made her go to the dressing room to settle down.

Me: See what I told you?

Marcus: Yep. I think i'll leave her alone now.

From there, I got even drunker. Showed EVERYBODY in that place the Gary Coleman pictures and got random texts from Chelsey saying that he and Oscar were riding around high as a kite in Warner Robins. The rest of the evening was pretty normal beyond that though. But yeah, that night was wack like Sylvia Browne's psychic abilities.

Thanks for reading. 



12-18-2007, 04:24 PM 
Currently, Uncle Jr. is upset with my grandmother. Why you ask? He got a good deal on some tires. And since he lives in the Dempsey (apartments for old folks on disability in Downtown Macon), he had nowhere to put them. So he brought them to grandma's house and sat them outside. My grandmother has been trying to redecorate her place and make it look nicer so she didn't want his ugly tires sitting up against her patio outside. She asked him to move the tires to her basement (not telling him to take his crappy tires and get them off her property, mind you). He procrastinates. So my grandmother, at 87 years old, did it for him.

HE HAD THE NERVE TO GET MAD!!! 

Uncle Jr.: Mama, you want stuff done when YOU want it done!

Uh...AREYOUSERIOUS??? It's HER house! When else should stuff be done?? 


12-19-2007, 02:42 AM 
"People PLEASE Stay Off That Weed!"

At this point, the story "Marcus & Mexicans" is a few weeks old. Toward the end of that story, I told yall about Chelsey and Oscar smokin a couple blunts and driving all around middle Georgia high as hell. They did this with Oscar's good friend Curtis. So that's 3 people sharing 2 blunts right? To me, this means that individually, the guys aren't consuming THAT much herb. Now ordinarily, the effects of those 2 blunts would've LONG since wore off. And Chelsey and Curtis are just fine. Oscar on the other hand is STILL having complications from the stuff. Which seemed awful strange to me...until he told me they got the weed from Terrell. Now Terrell is another good friend of Oscar's. A cool guy. Very much into tuner cars and World of Warcraft. College grad. But he smokes weed EACH and EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's been that way ever since i've known Oscar at least. And i've known him for 6 years. This leads me to believe that the average blunt won't get Terrell all that high. I suggested to Oscar that what he smoked may not have been ordinary weed and he should consider going to see a doctor. He agreed and said he would go at his earliest convenience. Turns out he couldn't hold out for "convenient". 

FLASHBACK TIME:

Oscar first experimented with weed in '03. I remember it was 2 years after i'd known him. At the time, I wasn't messing with it very often. This was before the fateful day I shared a blunt with Francis, but still I just wasn't into it like that. I got plenty a kick out of getting drunk every once in a while. Oscar out of the blue contacted me on AIM one night when I was sitting around at home and expressed interest in weed. He asked me a few questions about it like "what are the effects like?" and "how long does it take to wear off?" I answered this stuff as best I could and told him that Terrell is a much better expert than I. He told me that Terrell had already fronted him a sack so he could try it out. He was rolling a blunt up as he asked me these questions. A few minutes later, he got offline so he could light it up. He smoked 1 blunt by himself. When I woke up the next morning, I had a GANG of IMs from him that I wish I would've saved. It was sort of like Resident Evil when you find the diary excerpts of a guy that had been bitten by a zombie and was slowly turning into one. With each diary entry you get, his words got weirder and weirder until he was pretty much scribbling blood and stuff on the page. The IMs were something to this effect:

"Stuck, you still up?"

"I just smoked this blunt lol"

"It's kinda cool..."

"Like time is moving slow"

"The room's spinning rofl"

"You sleep? You must be..."

"Man, I just trieed to play hlao and got my azz kicked cause my vision is blurry"

"lololol wooooooooohooooo!!!"

"Stuck, wake up man"

"Man i'm SO f***ed up"

"Hey, does weed make you paranoid?"

"wHen you smoke it?"

"......"

"oh s***....."

"gotta sleep this s*** off"

"you goin to the arcade tomorrow?"

"I wonder if I can beat yuo in marvel high"

"Stuck"

"yo, Stuck..."

That was it. He sent me a gang of messages that I wasn't replying to and the vibe I got from them was, he was feelin pretty good at first. But time started moving slow and he started getting paranoid. If any of you smoke weed, you remember the first couple of times? How your heartbeat felt? Kinda like it wasn't doing what it was supposed to do? And how it felt like you'd been high all day, but it had only been an hour or 2? I think it was starting to get to him. I'd find out to what extent the next day in the arcade. Emcy was in there of course (working there) along with Jamaal (his cousin took a dump in his car in one of my past stories), and several other arcade regulars. Oscar walks in and goes straight to the back office where Emcy is doing something on the computer or getting change out of the safe or something. I'm in the middle of a match of Marvel getting my behind tossed up. When I lose, I walk to the back to see if Oscar's alright. Looking from where I was standing, I could tell he wasn't. He was still paranoid as hell, holding his chest and stuff. He eventually fainted in the arcade. We still laugh about that whole fiasco to this day. Later on, he'd tell me that after he was done sending me all those IMs, he sat in the corner of his room in the dark curled up in a fetal position scared to death of the shadows that came in through his bedroom window. He hadn't been to sleep at all up until the point he passed out. I figured he was done with the weed. He smoked it a couple more times and was fine. Eventually, he quit. The night Marcus almost got his butt whooped by Mexicans, was the first night he'd smoked since back then.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY.

Oscar, Chelsey, and Rodriguez were over here playing Halo. Twin was supposed to come, but didn't show up for whatever reason. Eventually we left and decided to go shoot pool and have a couple drinks. Oscar had 2 Heinekens and started feeling sick like he had been since the night of "Marcus & Mexicans" all over again. I suggested we take him to the Med Center, but he said he was straight. We went to go get something to eat from a Denny's. He got out of the car and threw up twice outside of Denny's. After this, he figured he should be ok. We got in and sat down. Before we could even order, Oscar gets up and hauls tail to the bathroom. Apparently, he had to take a dump really bad. So he spewed twice and blew up the spot once within 5 minutes. I suggest again that we take him somewhere to get him checked out. He agrees this time. We take him to the Med Center down the street from my place. Luckily there was no one there waiting so he went straight in. He told them that he'd been having headaches, dizziness, and an upset stomach. 

Nurse: Let me ask you this. Have you been doing drugs?

Oscar: I'm gonna be honest with you. I smoked Marijuana a couple of weeks ago.

Nurse: Well, I don't need anybody coming in here that does drugs talking about they have a headache.

He explains that he hadn't smoked anything in the past few weeks and he needs to get checked out because the effects are still lingering. She agrees to draw blood and run a bunch of tests and such. At one point, while he was sitting on the operating table, he felt like he had to fart. Seemed like gas until it was too late. He bricked all in his pants and didn't even know it until it started to smell. He looked down and saw what he'd done. In a rush to get up and clean it up, he ended up getting turd sauce ALL over the operating table. This put a little pep in the nurse's step thinking Oscar may be having some very serious problems. She concluded that he had a stomach virus. It was entirely unrelated to the weed. This explained the uncontrollable doo-doo discharge and vomiting. The nurse suggested the headaches and dizziness was related to stress because all the other tests came back negative. He had to pack his clothes in a trash bag and wear one of those butt-out hospital gowns to his house. I felt bad for the dude having to go out in the freezing cold like that. Of course he rode with Chelsey XD

Thanks for reading! 



01-07-2008, 11:11 PM 
A.J.

So my new year's resolution for the year was to get back in the gym full-time. After they closed Gold's Gym, I kinda used that as an excuse to slack up on my routine. 5 days in the gym a week turned into 2 days a week in the wellness center at my job. The first thing I did was join the gym out near Zebulon Rd. (aka heaven on earth). The new gym is pretty nice and has everything you could possibly want to use. I figured another thing I could do for health's sake would be to pick up a new hobby...golf. Enter: Oscar. There's a reason that he always owns me and Chelsey when we play Mario Golf. That reason is, he really plays golf on a regular basis and has a good grasp of it. I contacted him to express my interest in the sport and to find out when/where he plays. I got this information from him as well as what I would need to get out there and play. I then went to Dick's Sporting Goods (where Marcus works) and bought a gang of golf stuff at a discount.

Balls...check.

Clubs...check.

Bag for clubs...check.

Shoes...check.

Towel...check.

Gloves...check.

I spent a grip on this stuff even with Marcus's discount. Knowing me, if I spend enough to get started, I know i'll stay committed. So I bought Callaway clubs and such. For those that don't know, Callaway is EXPENSIVE golf stuff. How expensive? They throw in a set of Callaway clubs when you buy A FRIGGIN LAMBORGHINI. So yeah...I was ready to get into this golf thing heavy. Oscar and I head to Bowden's in east Macon. We arrive, pay, and stand outside a minute while we wait for Oscar's friend, A.J. I don't know AJ from a hole in the ground. Never heard anything about him until a few minutes prior to meeting him. When he shows up, he certainly doesn't look the part. He's about Oscar's height (6'3"), with some huge arms. He came out to play with some worn out jeans, a dirty old navy fleece pullover and some beat up air force 1s. Before he got up to us, Oscar made sure to tell me "Don't let his appearance fool you, dude can PLAY." So we get to hole 1. Oscar talks me through a golf swing. AJ just stands around looking stupid. Like he'd much rather be somewhere else.

I take my first swing and actually hit the ball a good 160 yards. I didn't miss the ball and I stayed on the fairway too. A pleasant surprise. Oscar took his swing and hit the ball a good 80 yards past mine. Then AJ swung. He hit the ball far as HELL. I'm talkin well over 300 yards.

He didn't stay on the fairway though. Nowhere near it.

Me: Wtf?

Oscar: I'm tellin you man. He can play.

Turns out he really can. He birdied that first hole and proceeded to spank us. I ended up 5 over par in 9 holes because I suck at putting. I didn't expect much from my first outing though. When we finish with hole 9, AJ finally starts talking.

AJ: You work for Georgia Power right?

Me: Yeah. What do you do?

AJ: I teach man. I'm a gym teacher. 

Me: Cool. I just joined a gym the oth--

AJ: SO YOU MAKIN ALL THE MONEY OUT 'DERE HUH?

Me: Are you serious? I was in the middle of a sentence.

AJ: My bad man...how much you makin out 'dere man? You can tell me!

I look over at Oscar. He just shrugs. I give him a BS number and let him believe its what I make a year. He then turns his attention to Oscar.

AJ: Ay, O. Let me run somethin by you man. Let me drop somethin on you man.

Oscar: What's up?

AJ: You feel like makin some extra money man?

Oscar: Yeah. That'll be cool. Let's play the back 9 so Stuckey can get his practice first.

AJ: Oh aight aight. I'mma tell you though, O. This right here gon' get us PAID. 

We continue playing and I notice that AJ is dying to get into whatever this hustle is he's come up with. I ask Oscar is he always like this and it's then that I find out that AJ is a crackhead. I'm out here at these white folks' golf course with a friggin dope fiend. 

Oscar: I don't know how to explain it. It's like he's a functional crackhead.

Me: XD Functional crackhead. What makes him a functional crackhead?

Oscar: Well, he can hold down a job and a relationship and all that. He usually keeps some money. He doesn't steal or any crazy s**t like that.

Me: I see. Have you ever "made extra money" with him before?

Oscar: Naw. Its probably gambling or somethin.

mm-hmm...So we finish playing and we head to the parking lot. AJ is talking Oscar's ear off about his plan as I walk ahead of them. For some reason, AJ made sure I didn't hear a word of it. Pretty shady, but I wanted no parts of it anyway. Oscar hops in the car with AJ. I thank them for playing with me and helping me with pointers. They hurry off in the car, so I call BARON out of the blue to see what he's up to. Apparently, he and his stripper ex-girlfriend are smitten with each other again (that's kinda nasty) and she's over at his place. He suggests I call Marcus and come through to drink and watch movies.

Me: Fine with me. I'll call him and Larry.

BARON: Aight. Just give me like 45 minutes before yall come through.

Me: XD I hear ya. Must be getting ready to get some WOMB! Ugh!!

BARON: You know how I do. I'll see yall in a lil bit. Ugh...

Me: Make it nasty.

I call Marcus then Marcus puts Larry on 3-way. We all meet up at Best Buy so Larry can buy some DVDs (Marcus has a car now! Yay!!! Story about that later). As we're walking around browsing, I get a text message from Oscar. It's so funny that I fart a little as i'm laughing. It reads:

Oscar: You know this nigga got me picking up pecans?

That was the hustle apparently. I sent him a text back, but he didn't respond. I guess he was hard at work. We left Best Buy and bought some booze. I bought some Guinness and Marcus bought the usual sissy Smirnoff Ice. When we got to BARON's, I made him try one, but he quit on the first sip. What a ho-muffin.

As we're drinkin and watching Balls of Fury (and cracking on Gary Coleman), I get a text from Chelsey asking what I was doing later. I made sure to tell him that he and Oscar could come through because I wanted to know what happened with the pecan hustle. I stay at BARON's till 10 o' clock then headed home. I got another 6 pack of Guinness before I got there. Oscar and Chelsey showed up shortly after. Oscar goes right into telling me what happened.

"Man, this nigga had me pickin up pecans for 2 hours. He was like "yeah man, we can hit this lick for some extra money" and i'm like "ok cool". He gon tell me to make sure I don't tell you so we could split a bigger profit. Anyway, he drives through this neighborhood lookin in folks' yards until he sees a yard with a bunch of trees right? He's like "This the MOTHERLOAD (lol) right here, O!" And he hops out the car and goes in his trunk. This nigga pulls out a laundry basket and runs in these folks yard and gets down on all 4's and starts pickin up pecans. He's pickin them up so fast it looks like he's playin jacks or somethin. I get down and start helpin him and after a while, the police show up right? The owners of the house didn't even come outside and say anything to us. They just called the cops. That's why I didn't answer your text. They give us a warning and make us get out of the yard. So we get back in the car and i'm thinkin we done right? WRONG. He pulls up in another yard and we pick up pecans until we fill the laundry basket. We take em to the farmer's market and weighed them.We picked up 80 pounds worth of pecans. Guess what we got for all of em?"

Me: How much?

Oscar: 43 dollars.

Me: XD

Oscar: Guess how much he gave me?

For some reason I start laughing harder because I know it's gonna be f'ed up. Oscar pulls a wad of money out of his pocket and hands it to me to count. Me and Chelsey counted together and I didn't think i'd ever stop laughing.

AJ gave that nigga 13 dollars. I laughed partly because my boy ShinkuuR recently told a story about 13 bucks, but mostly because of how AJ ripped this man off.

Oscar: Then he gon' ask me to help him over the weekend. Talkin about "we'd be STUPID not to come out here Satuday and Sunday. We'd have to be CRAZY!" 

Me: God, please stop. XD

Oscar: Nuh-uh. THEN the nigga gon' try to entice me with golf. Talkin bout "we can get up early and make us some sandwiches, then we can go play 18 holes and go pick up pecans. Shoot, we can pick up pecans ALL DAY!"

Chelsey: Oscar, your friend is lame.

Oscar: Naw, my friend is a friggin crackhead!

Indeed he is. Last I heard, AJ cleaned all the pecans out of Oscar's yard. In the middle of the night.

Thanks for reading. 


01-10-2008, 11:02 PM 
Marcus is Driving!

One day on my way to work, I stop by Quizno's to get a sandwich to take for lunch. I park my car and walk across the parking lot toward Quizno's and the entire time i'm walking, this white chick sitting down in Quizno's is watching me walk toward the restaurant. She never took her eyes off me the entire time. I thought it was kinda odd, but I walked inside and up to the counter to order. When I came inside, she finally took her eyes off me to continue eating. I waited on my order and checked text messages on my phone while looking out of the corner of my eye to see if the chick was gonna start staring at me again. She never does (which is fine by me...that crap was weird) so I get my food and start heading out the door. This friggin spooky chick ends up RIGHT behind me from the time I could walk from the counter to the door. And she was sitting on the far side of the place. I let the door go as i'm walking out and she catches it and comes out behind me smiling O_o.

Me: Hi.

Spooky Chick: Hey, what's up?

Me: On the way to this wack job. Just stopping to get some lunch.

Spooky Chick: Oh, that's cool. Well, look, i'm not gonna hold you up. I just wanted to know if you were seeing anybody.

Me: Not at the moment. You wanna give me your number or something?

Spooky Chick: Yeah, that would be cool. I'm Bethany by the way.

Me: Jonathan. Everybody calls me Stuckey.

Bethany: Stuckey? Why do they call you that?

Me: It's my last name. And I hate the name Jonathan.

Bethany: Ok...well you gonna take my number?

I pull my phone out and put Bethany's number in it and walk (quickly) to my car. I had no intention of calling this chick, but it had nothing to do with her looks. She actually was pretty cute. A bit on the skinny side, but not unhealthy looking. I wasn't gonna call her because her approach just kinda irked me out. So I headed on to work. Fast forward a few days. I had not called Bethany and had forgotten all about her, although her number was still in my phone. She looked me up on facebook and sent me a message asking why I had not called. Instead of blowing her off completely, I decided to go ahead and call her after that. After talking to her on the phone for a while, I figured I made a bad judgement call on Bethany. She was actually pretty cool and not weird at all. So we ended up going to get something to eat one day. Then she got weird again.

We were eating and chatting when she got a phone call. She found whatever she heard on the phone to be kind of agitating and it was obvious to me and everyone else in the restaurant. When she hung up the phone, I asked her was everything ok.

Bethany: Oh yeah...everything's fine. That was just my mom. She says my dad shot himself in the head.

I sit there with the wtf face for a minute while she goes right back to eating her food like it meant absolutely nothing to her. 

Me: Areyouserious?

Bethany: Yeah. Mom says he's in stable condition. He does stuff like that for attention. I get sick of it! He's been like this ever since he retired from his job.

Me: So he'll be alright then? Dang, that's pretty crazy.

Next thing you know, my phone went off with a text. It was from Marcus. It read:

Marcus: Just bought an Acura Vigor. Just needs some fixing up cosmetically, but it runs fine.

This pretty much makes me a hypocrite because I was thinking Bethany was heartless by her attitude toward her dad, but when I got this message from Marcus, I didn't give a crap about that anymore either. This was bigger news. After all these years, my boy finally has something to ride in. I DON'T HAVE TO RIDE ACROSS TOWN TO PICK HIM UP TO GO SOMEWHERE NEAR MY PLACE ANYMORE. I text him back saying that we should ride somewhere in his car and go celebrate. He's all for it. A little while after that I receive a text from Oscar which reads:

Oscar: Man, you know my punk ass brother is home?

Oh snap. Oscar and his brother are like Dante and Vergil, Cain and Abel, the beavers from Angry Beavers, you get the point. They got real beef with one another. Truth be told, Oscar's brother is pretty wack. He can't stand Oscar for whatever reason and ridicules all Oscar's friends (including myself) for hanging out with him. Keep in mind, Oscar is getting a college education and has never got in any REAL trouble. His brother on the other hand has been in and out of jail ever since I've known him and is...you guessed it...a crackhead. As I type this, his brother is probably headed back to jail now for violating probation. He got out on Dec. 28th. Him being home meant that Oscar had to deal with the guy wearing his clothes, starting ish with his friends, and receiving favoritism by their mother (the convicted FELON gets all the love? wtf face ). Although this was news too, the Bethany thing and Oscar's brother didn't compare to the fantastic news of Marcus finally getting some wheels. I finished eating with Bethany and was on my way home to change and get ready to go ride around in Marcus' car.

Marcus hit me up later on that night saying he wanted to check out this new club called Black Pearlz. I had never heard of the place and he hadn't either. He tells me that it used to be called "Heroes on the Hill". I don't object to going since I wouldn't be driving (for once). He comes through to pick me up in the Ac-right. It has some chipped paint spots and dings or whatever, but the car looks to be in good shape. He had gotten a pretty good deal on it too. So I hop in and we go all the way on the other side of town (closer to where he lives...a taste of his own medicine I guess). We get to this club and i'm shocked to discover this club is in the same building a church used to be in. Areyouserious? They snatched the cross off the top of it and made it into a club. Kinda heathenous, but again, I wasn't the one driving. Everything seems to be going ok until I discover the reason this nigga wanted to go to this place.

Renita.

Renita works with Marcus at Dick's. She's 33, Jamaican, extremely good looking, but an extreme waste of time. She and Marcus have broken up/made up a thousand times, but they've never even been a couple. She's in a relationship with her baby's father now, but uses this to lead Marcus on. He's forever calling me telling me about them falling out over something, then in the same conversation saying "Man, I want that b*tch, Stuckey!" She's never given him any before and shows no signs of giving him the womb any time soon. The last time they fell out...they fell out because he wouldn't give her half of his sandwich on a lunch break. Seriously. Keep in mind, he's 26 and she's 33. They fell out hard over a friggin sandwich. Anyway, we pull up and she's standing outside waiting on us with a friend of hers. As my luck would have it, her friend was fugly. So we go in this place and although there's plenty of space and the music is ok, it's filled with old folks. I'm talkin 40-50 ish types. Of course I go straight to the bar in an attempt to make something out of nothing. I get a couple beers and go sit down by myself and start drinking. Marcus runs off with Renita and her friend goes off in her own direction. Fast forward to about 2 in the morning. Marcus comes over to the table i'm sitting at. I'm wasted as hell at this point (I HAVE A DESIGNATED DRIVER FOR ONCE).

Marcus: Ay, Stuck. Renita wants us to come over her place for a minute.

Me: Are you finally gonna get womb?

Marcus: I hope so. 

Me: Ugh...i'll ride over there with you then.

Marcus: Ok. I don't know where she stays so we're gonna follow her over there.

We leave the club and hop in the car and get on the road behind Renita and her ugly friend. After a few minutes on the road, we get pulled over by police. The officer walks up like he's had an extremely long night and really didn't WANT to pull us over, but for some reason really had to. Actually there were 3.

1) Busted tail-light (no big deal.)
2) Expired tag (;_;)
3) No license (wtf face .)

I kinda felt bad for the guy, but at least they didn't give him a breathalyzer test or anything like that because I know he threw a few back at the club. The no license one was the doozy. His car would be impounded and we had to sit on the side of the road and wait for Renita to turn around and pick us up and take me to my car so we could THEN follow her to her place (I guess there's just no getting around it...keep in mind i'm drunk out of my mind and Marcus can't drive my car because he doesn't know how to drive a stick). So we get to my place, I grab my car and we head to Renita's. We couldn't stay at my place and hang out because Renita had to get her son. So we get over there in one piece and sit down in the living room. Renita breaks out more beers and such. I down one hoping it would help me loosen up around her ugly-ass friend. I figured if Marcus was gonna get some womb, i'd get hammered and bump uglies with friggin SOUNDER here. Eventually, Marcus and Renita leave to go in the back. I'm up front with this ugly bird watching Cheaters. I guess she notices i'm drunk as hell and decides to try me. She starts unzipping my jeans (keep in mind, we hadn't said more than 2 words to each other the whole night) and starts givin me the jaws. I feel myself going to sleep on her and eventually I do XD, I awake to the sound of someone coming in through the front door a while later.

Renita's baby's father. Areyouserious?

He paid me no mind since I was sitting with Rin-Tin-Tin in the living room, but he did try to jump on Marcus when he caught them in Renita's bedroom...watching Beowulf on bootleg? COME ON MAN! >:( I get up and stumble to the back to get Marcus' back if he was about to get into something. Renita calmed the situation down and we got our stuff and left. I cursed him out pretty good on the way to his house to drop him off. He got his car back and renewed his license and got a proper tag since then. Tail-light is still busted, but it's a start. But yeah...Marcus is driving now.

Thanks for reading.


01-16-2008, 04:10 AM 
V.E.I....is Back!

(This story is still on-going. I'll post what's happened so far and continue to post chapters as they happen.)

"Hello?"

"Hey there, what you been up to?"

"Nothing much. Living. What about you?"

"Oh I just been up to the same things."

"Before I forget, Stuckey told me to wish you a happy new year if I talked to you."

"Oh. Stuckey still talks about me?"

"Yeah. Quite a bit."

"Oh ok. I'll give him a call then."

One afternoon while i'm in the bed sleep trying to rest before going to my MEGA lame job, my phone rings and wakes me up. Anybody that talks to me on a regular basis knows my work schedule so they don't call on my work days unless it's important. This was a phone call from someone I haven't talked to regularly in quite some time. Ever since I posted the "Britney" story a while back. Ever since that went down, we've been acting like strangers. Of course i'm talkin about Jermaine. And the phone conversation above is what led him to call me. Britney was playing around and told him that I said "Happy New Year" when I didn't (though I hope he and everybody else has a great year). This gave him the impression that we were buddy-buddy again I guess. He figured I was mad at him for lying on me still. I figured he was pissed with me because I more or less "stole" Britney from him. Anyway, the nigga calls and as expected, is long-winded as hell. He starts talking about his white girl in Athens. Apparently, that chick (the one he said he was gonna marry) and him took a turn for the worse and they're no longer together. What was the issue you ask?

Sex. Come on, gangstas this is Jermaine we're talkin about.

"You see, Stuckey. I might be up in age, but i'm A WELL-OILED MACHINE NOW. I just don't feel like she can handle me, knowhati'msayin? We just don't match up right physically. Her sex drive is like one of them Krystal burgers (we have Krystal here. White Castle to others. You know, the little square burgers.) And my sex drive is like a Whoppah (whopper). See, dem Krystal burgers tayse good, but you need a few of 'em to fill you up. A whopper will gon' head and fill you up. You eat one of demANYOSTOMACHBEPOKINOUT-HAHAHA! (Keep in mind, when it was all good between them, Jermaine compared their sex life to Thanksgiving Dinner XD) Fortunately, she ain't pregnant too. We had thought she was pregnant, but we dodged the bullet 'dere."

At this point i'm wide awake, because this cat is funny as hell. I take this opportunity to ask him how he's handling being single again.

Jermaine: Oh naw, Stuckey man. I ain't sangle. I got about 3 girlfriends right now.

Me: XD Oh yeah? Save some for other folks, homey.

Jermaine: I gotta have variety, StuckeyIGOTTOHAVEMESOMEVARIETY-HAHA!

Me: XD

Jermaine: I got me a girl in Illinois. She white, but built like she black. I got me on--

Me: Illinois? For real? How did you meet her?

Jermaine: Aww, Stuckey you know I be on da chat line.

Yeah. That lame chat line went national. Meaning it's probably more expensive. He'll never EVER move out of his mom's house at this rate. 

Me: Areyouserious? Are the other 2 girls here in Georgia?

Jermaine: I got me a few in Georgia, but da ones i'm supposed to marry is da one in Illinois, and I got--

Me: Marry? How you gonna marry 3 girls homes? This ain't Africa.

Jermaine: *disregarding me* ...I got one in Topeka, Kansas. She Puerto Rican mixed in wit black. And I got one in Missouri. Da one in Missouri is real freaky. She send me naked pictures ALL da time. Da one in Illinois is kinda a tease, but she got a freaky side to her. YOUJUSTGOTTABRANGITOUT. Den I got a few thangs lined up around Georgia. Dats more for business though.

Me: Business? You mean...V.E.I...is back?

Jermaine: Yeah, Stuckey man YOUKNOWWHATTIMEITISSTUCKEYMAN-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

He laughed at that for a very long time. Vanity Electronic Industry is back in business for 2008. After he ran off that crap to me about settling down because he ain't getting any younger, he decided to get back into the business of producing porno. This time, he has some concrete goals set though. You see, the money made from V.E.I. business ventures would fund trips to Illinois, Kansas, and Missouri. He'd meet his 3 potential wives face to face and whichever one was the most qualified, would be his certified fiance'. Don't misunderstand though, at this point, he's supposed to marry all 3. Meaning he proposed to all 3 of them. They all accepted. No rings were purchased (with WHAT nigga? that nigga broke like Gary Coleman without eBay).

Kinda pathetic ain't it? Pathetic, slightly retarded, but VERY funny. He then goes into the reason he called me. He tells me what Britney said, and used that as a means to get into me and Britney's business. At this point, Britney has a boyfriend. She and I are pretty tight since she's matured a WHOLE lot since the "Britney" story. No more spazzin out, pinching me and stuff. It's amazing what a little penis can do for a hyperactive chick. And by a little I mean I put my DDL (Dick'em Down License) to good use with her before she got herself a man. I think he was kinda happy when he found out that I wasn't hittin that anymore. This cat is hysterical. Anyway, of course with Marcus and I being his main business associates, he wanted us to help him get back on his feet. Meaning Marcus and I would go out on our own and find broads that wanted to do something on a camera and we'd put together what the 3 of us could find. Then, we'd hit the road and see what we could find together. For the sake of a good laugh, Marcus and I can never turn the guy down. This would prove to be interesting to say the least (I mean, it is Jermaine we're talking about here).

Part 1: New Office 

One of the things that seriously hurt V.E.I. years back is when Jermaine got himself banned from the Macon Mall FOREVER. To sell his material, he had to resort to selling them at barber shops in Downtown Macon and at whatever part-time job he managed to get. He also tried telemarketing one time (XD Yes, calling random folks out the phone book and asking them how they feel about 'Adult Cinema'...I wish I could tell you more about this, but I know he got reported to authroties once and he stopped trying it). Needless to say, the mall was where sales were a lot easier and he really went and screwed himself up when he got himself banned.

In Macon, in about a month and a half, that will no longer be an issue. No, his ban from the Macon Mall won't be lifted. We're getting a whole new mall! The f'ed up thing about this is, it's RIGHT across the street from where I live. I can stand at the rent office of my apartment complex and look right at the friggin mall. They exterior of the place is already built. They're just moving stuff in it now. Cash registers, merchandise, hiring folks, etc. In March, it'll be up and running and this was music to Jermaine's ears. Being that he'd now have a new way to get his product to the people, he decided that he and I should try to build up some clientele in North Macon. Keep in mind, North Macon is the "white" part of town. I hardly think any of these folks want any of Jermaine's filth. Picture an older white man in GEORGIA watching a flick with Jermaine's little old ass peeing in a young white woman's mouth. He'd be in a tree faster than Woody Woodpecker. There are a few of my brothers and sisters in the area though. One of which stays in the apartment right behind me, Patrick.

Now, Patrick works for Geico, has herpes like hell (along with his white girlfriend whom lives with him), and is STRONGLY disliked by my friends Xavier (from various stories) and Chelsey (various stuff). Patrick likes to suffle' when it comes to the women apparently. For those of you who don't know, Suffle' is a way of saying SFL or Sucker For Love. The type of dude that thinks he owns a chick if he goes with her. He'll get mad at YOU if his girl comes up to you and tries to hit on you. That crap is a no-no and after hearing about that, I don't really care for getting to know him, but business is business. I introduced Jermaine to the dude and let him go through his sales pitch (nude pictures of chicks on a cell phone with no minutes...you're familiar with it). Patrick is in and he says he'll put a word in with his friends at Geico. Jermaine is quick to tell him that he'll be around the new mall selling material when they open.

We also went to Oak Ridge apartments. Now although they're in North Macon, these apartments turned section-8. If you think back, I posted a story about Jermaine running for his life after walking MANY MILES to screw this girl named Tori (who kicked my ass in 8th grade...there's a story about that too). This is where that took place. Needless to say, I was watching our backs pretty hard while he went to the basketball court to put guys on to the V.E.I. movement. He did what he had to do with no problems. We also got Marcus to spread the word around his job and the people he knew at the Best Buy shopping center. It's such a shame that that new, lovely, mall is gonna be tainted on it's grand opening by a nigga selling porn. After getting the word out, the next step would be to secure girls for the films. That's the fun (and funny) part. And that's the part we're on currently. More on this as it develops, gangstas.

Chapter 2: The Talent Search

Ok, I finally have time to sit down and do this. This is how we spent Saturday (remember I said we were going up to Athens?). Anyway, leading up to Saturday, Jermaine was true to form. Meaning he called me every day from the point we planned to go, until the day finally came. Calling me when he KNOWS i'm at work and having the nerve to get mad when I don't pick up the phone. You see, as you all know I work in a power plant. When i'm inside the building around all that equipment, my phone doesn't get service at all. If I ever want to check my messages or call someone from my cell, I have to step outside to do it. Naturally, I spend most of my time inside 1) because that's where my job is and 2) it's cold as hell outside. So Jermaine would call and leave messages saying things like "Man, Stuckey man, I had da Athens gul on 3-way so you could tawk to her and tell her about yourself, but you ain't pick up da phone! Your timin is off, Stuckey!" or "Wassup, Stuckey? I'm tryin to get these deals worked out for Saturday, but I need you to pick up da phone so we can figure out which deal we gon go after". FYI, he calls these little meetings with chicks he's met on the dumb chat-line "deals". Anyway, when we finally sync'd up, he called me with this white chick named Ashley on the phone. Now, Jermaine has been on this white girl kick for the longest, but he's been pursuing these "deals" with some of his other friends because he thought I wasn't down with him anymore. So i've never had the "priviledge" of going and meeting any of these young ladies. Ashley seemed to be very mature and actually a step up from some of the girls we met in "I KNOW Jermaine has Finally Lost His Mind", but this is Jermaine, so i'm still skeptical on the chicks. So far the only thing i'm sure of, is that i'm gonna be doing a good bit of laughing.

What he tells me once Ashley gets off the line is no laughing matter though.

Jermaine: Now, Stuckey. Dis ain't da gul from Athens.

Me: Huh? I thought that's where we were going.

Jermaine: Yeah, but dat deal look like it's gon fall through. I'mma keep workin on it, but Ashley and her friends are guaranteed action.

Me: Where are they?

Jermaine: Dey live in Dahlonega, Ga.

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!!!! STOP THE DAMN PRESSES!!!!!!!

If you don't live in Georgia, or if you do live here and have never heard of Dahlonega, i'll just tell you like this. Dahlonega is QUITE racist. There's a little over 3,000 folks in Dahlonega and there's a reason it's 89% white, 5% black, 6% everybody else. Of all places to go meet some chicks. Jermaine wants our 3 BLACK asses to go meet 3 WHITE chicks (that might not even be legal) in friggin DAHLONEGA. But that ain't the best part.

Jermaine: And see, you'll be guaranteed some sex (...XD) and all you're obligated to do is buy em some alcohol and pay for da hotel rooms. It don't even matter what you get em cause dey drank anythang.

Me: ....

Jermaine: You there, Stuckey?

Me: Now you know I ain't buying them broads anything. None of these chicks have their own place? Are they adults?

Jermaine: Well, now that you mention it, one of em might have they own place. I'll check on dat.

Me: Yeah...and try your hardest to find something outside of Dahlonega. I don't wanna end up in a tree.

Jermaine: I know right, Stuckey? YOUCRAZYSTUCKEY-HAHAHAHA!

So he checks to see if any of these girls live on their own. Luckily, one of them has their own home so there would be no need for hotel rooms. But I have this strict policy. I'm not paying a girl for her time. Or her vagina. I just can't do it. But if booze were necessary for Jermaine to do his thing, I knew just the person to bring along.

Chelsey.

Remember that story "Chelsey Goes to Hell"? Remember how he went to visit that chick and spent hundreds of dollars on booze? Surely Chelsey would be up for that. All I had to do was tell him that the girls were white.

Me: Yo, what you got planned for the weekend?

Chelsey: Shit. What's goin on?

Me: Guess who called me recently?

Chelsey: Who?

Me: Jermaine.

Chelsey: XD Areyouserious?

Chelsey knows of Jermaine very well. He probably knew Jermaine before me. You see, Jermaine went to high school with Chelsey's older brother Chris. They were associates, but not really tight friends. The first time Jermaine saw Chelsey, the first thing he did was tried to get him in a porno flick. Of course Chelsey refused because Jermaine is weird and because Jermaine wanted to shoot it in his van. Chelsey still cracks on that van to this day. He says the van had 2-stories. ...XD Apparently, Jermaine tried for years to get Chelsey to do something in one of his videos. He tried to tell Chelsey that he had the face for porn. Just to give you a visual, Chelsey looks 150% just like Prince. Seriously, they're both short, both skinny, both light-skinned, and have the exact same face. When I first met him, he even had long, permed out hair. Seriously. But anyway, back to the situation at hand.

Me: Yeah, he wants to go out of town this weekend. To Dahlonega.

Chelsey: DAHLONEGA?! HELL NAWWLLLL!!! For what?

Me: What else? Looking for girls to put in his porn.

Chelsey: You tryin to get me to go?

Me: He says it's guaranteed action and they're white girls.

Chelsey: They probably look like Rosie O' Donnell.

Me: Yeah, he's supposed to be sending me some pics of these chicks. Provided his phone service allows it.

Chelsey: Well shit. I ain't doin nothin. I'll go up there with yall. I'll even drive.

I knew it. If it's white meat involved, he's in ALWAYS. I call Marcus and catch him up on all the details and it looked like we were set. We'd be riding in Chelsey's Jetta to Dahlonega to meet some white girls while trying not to get killed. Then I thought back to the last time I went on a road trip with Chelsey.

Flashback time:

A few years ago, when our boy Emcy was still running the arcade and we met up to play Marvel on a regular basis, Emcy thought it would be a good idea to go up to Atlanta one weekend to try our skills against some better comp. It was me, Oscar, Chelsey, Jamaal, Emcy, our friend Damon, and a friend of Emcy's (former friend...that nigga was a clepto for REAL). So we go up there in 2 separate cars. It's me, Damon, and Chelsey in one car. With the rest of the guys in the other one. Damon drove the car we were in and Emcy drove the other. While we were on the interstate following Emcy, he weaved in between some cars and switched lanes too fast for Damon to stay behind him. After he did this, he didn't slow down so we could keep up and to make a long story short, we ended up getting lost. We left early that day so we could avoid the heavy traffic that Atlanta gets in the late afternoon. We got set back by getting lost and ended up sitting in Atlanta traffic for hours. We made it to the arcade in time to play maybe 3 matches of Marvel each before the mall closed. On the way up there Chelsey complained the ENTIRE time. Seriously, he would NOT shut up. Damon was concentrating on driving and I was focused on whatever game I was playing on my GBA and helping Damon with reading signs. Chelsey sat in the back and bitched and moaned the whole time.

Now when we finally got to the mall, he made no mention of how he felt to Emcy (although he was talking about the guy like a dog all the way to ATL). When we got on the road to go back, Chelsey started right back up. Dogging out everybody in the other car. It was seriously annoying, but Damon and I were in our own little world kinda tuning him out. So we got back late that night and you'd think that would be the end of it. Wrong.

Chelsey gets his ass up EARLY as hell in the morning, goes to the arcade before it even opens, and tells Emcy that Damon and I were talking about him really bad in the car the day before. Yeah, you read that right. That doesn't make a single damn lick of sense, but that's what he did. I don't know if he was scared of Emcy (he's a pretty big dude) and wanted to run some BS by him before we "snitched" or what. I ended up coming out to the mall that day with my mom because she wanted to get me a birthday gift. I was in gamestop (where Damon worked) picking something out when Emcy walks in. I walk up to him to give him dap thinking everything is cool. He puts his hand on my shoulder and whispers to me

Emcy: Why were you and Damon talkin shit about me yesterday? It ain't my fault yall got lost. Both of yall are in college. It ain't my fault if yall can't figure out how to read the road signs. Keep my name out of your mouth. I'm gettin ready to tell Damon the same thing. That shit is stupid man.

Me: ...who told you we were talking about you?

Emcy: Chelsey came in the arcade this morning and told me.

Me: He was the ONLY one talking about you. Listen to yourself, what does Chelsey spend most of his time doing? Talking about folks. Now for you to come in here and front on me for something Chelsey said, that's even dumber than us "not reading the road signs". You tell Damon whatever you want, but if you ever in your life come up to me with somethin like this again while i'm with my mother, we'll be going to hell together my friend. I'll deal with Chelsey, but you think this shit over a little more. Who's word SHOULD you be going by?

He goes up to Damon and asks him about it. Damon tells him that Chelsey was the only one talking trash. That should've been the end of it. Wrong.

One night when i'm in the arcade, Chelsey walks up talking cash money shit to me. I just stare at him until he's done talking. Waiting on him to make his move, but he never did. Damon stood there laughing. Chelsey went over to show Emcy the box-cutter he brought in from his job. Emcy laughed at him too. Eventually, Emcy just told Chelsey that he wasn't mad anymore and Chelsey came clean. All that confusion over someone running their mouth. 

End of flashback.

I didn't want to deal with that again so I took it upon myself to cut Chelsey out of this. Marcus and I would just handle the booze since we ourselves would be drinking too. Soon enough, the time came for us to head out. Some things happened on this trip that seriously put this marraige/relationship thing into perspective for me. Nothing is sacred. 

At least in Dahlonega it ain't. 

So the day came for us to head out. My phone was ringing like crazy early in the morning. Naturally, i'm thinking it's Jermaine calling me over and over out of excitement. When I finally look at the phone to see who it is, it's my mom. I call her back and she tells me that I need to hurry to the grocery store because it's supposed to snow. I didn't buy the whole snow thing, but that's my mom, so I did as I was told. I went to Wal-Mart to pick up some things. While i'm in the store, Jermaine calls. You can tell he's psyched about going wherever we're headed. He's telling me he has his digital camera ready and other stuff that I didn't necessarily NEED to know at that particular time. He tells me that the Athens deal fell through and that we'd be headed to Dahlonega where the "guaranteed action" is. I figured as much and as much as I don't wanna be caught in that place, it's for a good cause. Jermaine's been kinda stagnant lately as far as the game of life goes. He's been spending his days on the chat-line (using his unemployment checks to fund it) and lining up some work to make another push for porn stardom. I've come to the realization that it isn't gonna happen like he's hoping it will, but who am I to crush another man's dreams? I ask him about the snow (he hadn't heard about it) and rush him off the phone after a while so I can finish my shopping and I call Marcus while i'm on the way home to put the groceries up.

Marcus: What it is, bit?

Me: Jermaine is READY. You hear me? That nigga is pumped like Star Jones' stomach. When will you be ready to head out?

Marcus: Well, i'm up now. So i'm ready whenever. Check this out though. I had a fucked up dream last night.

Me: About what?

Marcus: Well, I was exploring a cave with this cat I work with. After a while, we come to a dead end. All of a sudden, something jumps out and attacks us. So we take off running right? We end up making it out of the cave, and when we come out, we're in the city somewhere. And guess what?

Me: What?

Marcus: The nigga I work with just out of the blue turned into 50 cent! So i'm walkin down the street with him and we start looking around and notice that everybody is zombified or something. When the zombies notice us, we take off running to find a place to hide. Then we end up hiding in this field where they're growing corn or something at. The zombies are running past us trying to find where we went and 50 cent's dumb ass starts talking about a relationship he had with this girl in high school.

Me: XD Areyouserious?

Marcus: Yeah, he starts talking about how he had this chick that he used to fuck. He didn't have feelings for her or anything. He just wanted the pussy. But she ended up meeting some dude and falling in love and ditching 50. After that, he realized that he had feelings for the girl. So I cut him off like "Ay man, be quiet. We're hiding from zombies. Quit actin like a nigga!" Then you know what he had the nerve to do?

Me: What?

Marcus: He stands up in the middle of the field where everybody can see him and says "You know what? I AM A NIGGA!" And out of nowhere, a machine gun drops into his hands. And a butter knife drops into mine. Then this music starts playin Boondocks style. The lyrics were:

"Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, NIGGA!"
"Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, NIGGA!"

Me: XD

Marcus: That was the only lyrics in the song. And 50 jumps up and starts fuckin the zombies up with the machine gun and when they hit the ground i'm stabbin them with the butter knife. And we keep killing these zombies while the music is playin until we're the last 2 people left in the world! How fucked up is that?

Me: XD I'm still laughin at the song. I could picture that on a Boondocks episode for real.

Marcus: Yeah man. I just wanted to share that with somebody. I don't usually remember my dreams, but that one was crazy.

By the time he finishes telling me about his dream, I've made it to the house. I ask him has he heard anything about snow and he says he hasn't. I tell him to go ahead and get ready while I go in and put up my groceries and change into some nicer clothes. Jermaine calls me again to say that he heard about the snow, but it wouldn't effect us if we left early (which is a damned lie...he just wanted to rush me). So I got ready as quick as I could and picked these dudes up. Jermaine had on this huge t-shirt that looked like a nightgown that said "I BE ON THAT KRYPTONITE" on it with a big purple bottle of booze. Of course it was laughable. But he jumps in the car with his camera and stuff giddy as a crackhead that just scored a rock. I then go to pick up Marcus and we hit the road. It starts to rain soon as we get on the interstate, but I can't tell if it's sleet or not. It doesn't seem too bad. We had a 2 hour drive until we got there in which the 3 of us used that time to catch up. Jermaine told us about his engagement and how he ended up falling out with the girl because she couldn't keep up with his sex drive.

Jermaine: What would happen was, I would go up there and have sex with her numerous times. And her friend had sex with my homeboy. Which was cool, but when I have sex with a gul, I like to GIVEITMYALL. And she wasn't returnin the favor. She would just lay there. I need some stimulation YOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYINSTUCKEY-HAHAHA!

Me: Yeah, it's no fun when the chick just lays there.

Jermaine: And den after she would nut, she'd tell me to stop because she dry, but it turned her off when I would spit on my dick and try to put it back in her. So I didn't think the relationship would work out.

Me: XD Can't knock a man that knows what he wants.

Marcus: Is that all the relationship was, Jermaine?

Jermaine: Well, you know me, Marcus. Sex is a big part of it for me. I wanna marry me a gul that can hang wit me. Sex is what I do! And den she kinda started gettin big...

Me: ? I thought you liked 'em like that?

Jermaine: I do like em built-like-dey-black, but she was puttin on so much weight dat she couldn't even tuck her shirt in her pants. You KNOW you too big when you can't PUTYOSHIRTINYOPANTS-HAHAHA!

Marcus also told Jermaine about his dream with 50 cent which led to Jermaine telling us a weird dream about him and the Marvel Comics character, Thor, going out looking for girls together. To make a long story short, Thor was getting all the action because he's a god and Jermaine always had to tape it. Never the other way around. I don't think he knows how to think of anything other than sex. Anyway, a few more odd conversations like this and we make it to Dahlonega. Jermaine calls the girls and they want us to meet them at the liquor store. They hook us up with directions and we all meet up. The verdict:

Ashley: Cute face, but pudgy like Jermaine likes them. Just as cool as she was on the phone.

Olivia: Black/Mexican. Always has this mean look on her face, but isn't an asshole at all. Very easy to talk to. Appearance wise, I wouldn't fuck her with any of YOUR dicks.

Sasha: The only one with her own place/car. Decent looking, but quiet. Didn't seem too comfortable around black folks at first. This is the one I was supposed to be talking to (since i'm the only male with his own place/car...that's how Jermaine worked it out).

We went into the liquor store and split up our own seperate ways. The chicks went toward the bitch-water (Smirnoff Ice etc.), while us guys went at the Grey Goose. When we got to ourselves, Jermaine asks us what we think of our girls.

Marcus: Jermaine, you dicked me up again. But you're my brother, and i'm gonna stick it out with yall.

Me: XD Yeah, Olivia is jacked up. When you tell a man she's mixed like that, you're generally expecting something better.

Jermaine: Yeah, Olivia kinda hurt. Yall might have to split Sasha. Stuckey you hit her first since you drove, den Marcus can hit her. Yall can't hit Ashley though. We were talkin about gettin into a relationship.

Me: XD Man, we ain't runnin train on no Dahlonega girls. We'd be signing our own death certificate. You just focus on doing what YOU have to do, get it on tape, then we're gettin the hell outta dodge.

Marcus: Amen to that.

We get our booze, then follow Sasha to her place. Her house is kinda small, but looks pretty much brand new. We get inside and there's hardly any furniture. One thing that stood out to me was the CB radio on the coffee table in the living room. Pretty weird to have something like that sitting prominently in the living room, but we ARE in Dahlonega. I thought to myself, i'm gonna eventually make it a point to ask Sasha about that thing. Something tells me it's there for a good reason. We all sit around talking and watching Superbad (good-ass movie) and Jermaine goes into how the movie reminded him of himself when he was younger. Wanna know something interesting about Jermaine? He makes porno's and stuff. Dwells on having sex ALL the time. But he didn't get laid until he was 21. He freely admitted this to all the chicks (Marcus and I knew this beforehand). When we started cracking bottles open and getting drunk, Marcus starts looking at Olivia kinda funny.

Me: You straight man?

Marcus: Yeah...I might fuck her.

Me: Who?

Marcus: Olivia. She look like she might have some good pussy.

Me: You might need to put that bottle down homey. 

But he doesn't pay me any mind. He goes over and starts talking to her, which leaves me with Sasha since Jermaine had been on Ashley from the word go. We start talking for a minute and the alcohol really loosened her up. We eventually got cool enough with one another to start asking personal questions and such. This led to how I met Jermaine, a few crazy stories that happened with him, and past relationships (of which I've only had 1). So I take this opportunity to ask her about that CB radio on the table.

Sasha: I'm gonna be honest with you. My husband drives a rig and this is how we communicate when he's somewhere that his phone doesn't get service.

Me: Oh shit...

Sasha: Don't worry, he's somewhere in Nevada now I think.

Me: He can call you on that thing from all the way in Nevada?

Sasha: He can use it in more places than he can his cell phone, which is kinda weird.

Me: Oh. Cool...

So from there, we drank more and ran our mouths until Jermaine (the only one that wasn't drinking) gets the urge to get Ashley alone with him. Things get kinda weird along in here. Jermaine takes Ashley to a room. Marcus takes Olivia (eww!) to a room, and i'm in the living room with Sasha. The both of us get drunk enough to consider screwing, but i'm thinking to myself that I shouldn't be fooling with her. Something just told me (past experience maybe?) that bad shit would happen if I went there with this chick.

After a few more drinks, that all went away.

So we're on the couch closer to the coffee table. I'm nailing her and she's going on and on about how she's never been with a black man before. The thing is, she was kinda saying it like it wasn't a good thing. Like she figured it would turn ME on by her saying that. Pretty lame. Then as we're doing it, she starts demanding that I nut on her face. DEMANDING it. This is where things go true to form for me. When I shoot a load, crazy stuff happens afterwards, or during. While she's on her knees jacking me off and waiting for it, her man comes through on the friggin CB. Do you know she held a full-fledged conversation with this dude on that radio while licking my dick and giving me a handjob? Then continuing the conversation with nut on her face?

Dahlonega is fucked up. But it ain't over.

I go to the bathroom to splash some water on my face (i'm friggin drunk) and I end up standing in there regretting what I just did. Something told me things would get jacked up if I did the deed with this girl. I was trying to figure out what it would be this time.

Would her man come home for a surprise visit and we end up in a tree somewhere?

Would any other random family member come through for a visit and we end up in a tree somewhere?

Was Jermaine hiding somewhere taping me?

All kinds of stuff could've went wrong and I was hoping none of the above stuff would happen. It turns out that our problem would be the one thing I hadn't paid any mind to since we got to Dahlonega.

FUCKING SNOW.

It was snowing like hell outside. In Georgia. Just what I damn needed. The snow wasn't sticking to the street, but it was falling everywhere else like we were in Wisconsin or somethin. Just my luck that I didn't park on any concrete. When we got ready to leave, I couldn't back my car out. I guess the moisture from the snow got me stuck in Sasha's driveway (which was dirt pretty much). We tried pushing it out and everything with no luck. We ended up having to call a tow-truck to get my car out so we could leave. Now, Dahlonega has about 3,000 folks like I mentioned earlier. What's the likelihood of the tow-truck man being a good friend of Sasha's husband?

In my life, it's likely as fuck. Sasha alerted us when the guy pulled up with his truck. She went outside to greet him while we stayed in the house. Sasha tried to front on the dude and say that the car belonged to Ashley, but the dude must've still thought something was up because he demanded Sasha let him inside to take a look around. We ended up having to run out of the back door as the guy was coming in, then running around to the front of the house and hiding under Sasha's front porch. The guy stayed in the house for quite some time, then came out and moved the car to where it could be driven. I had given Ashley my keys so she could act like she was getting in the car to leave to throw this dude off. Lucky us, the guy decided to stick around in case the car got stuck again. So this meant Ashley would have to leave the immediate vicinity in MY car to get the tow-truck man to get the hell on.

But the bitch can't drive a stick.

Me (still under the porch): Holy shit.

Marcus: Nigga, did you just curse?

Me: Oops...yeah.

Marcus: Feels good don't it? ...XD

Jermaine: What we gon do about dis yall?

Marcus: I say we just go get in the car and leave. The dude will probably tell on Sasha, but we'll be long gone. It ain't our problem once we get out of this racist ass town.

Me: Bingo, racist ass town. This cat might fetch the lynch mob on us, nigga.

In true dramatic Marcus fashion. He takes this as a cue to quote his dream. He says loud and clear so everybody standing outside can hear him...

Marcus: You know what? I AM A NIGGA!

Me: Oh shit...come on, Jermaine!

We take off toward the car. Tow-truck man sits there looking shocked for a second. Then he walks straight up to Sasha and starts cursing her out. Ashley takes a hint from us rushing the car and hops out leaving the driver-side door open. We jump in and tear ass back toward the interstate. As i'm speeding down the icy street, Marcus starts singing:

"NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA!"
"NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA, NIGGA!"

Jermaine: HELLYEAHWESOMENIGGASMARK-HAHAHA!!!

We get a pretty good laugh out of that, but shit stops being funny when we friggin get LOST in Dahlonega. And it's starting to get dark. Fortunately, we find a gas station and get directions to the interstate without incident. Jermaine got Ashley on film for about 45 minutes and we all got a nut, so I guess our mission was a success. Jermaine still talks to Ashley last I heard, but I haven't heard anything about Sasha getting in any trouble. I'll let yall know something if I hear about it. Remember, this story is on-going.

And Marcus said Olivia's pussy stunk. 

Part 3: Athens

Now if you remember, Athens, Ga. is where we were supposed to go in the first place. That didn't work out and we ended up in Dahlonega where MUCH bullshit took place. Well, after we got back from that, Jermaine continued to work on the girl in Athens and was finally able to hook something up. This time, he didn't attempt to get me on 3-way to talk to her. He hooked it all up himself and called me when it was time to take action. He knows my work schedule so he started calling me early in the week where i'd have the weekend off. Pretty much saying the same thing each day.

Jermaine - I got da guls for us Saturday. Dat Athens deal seems like it's gonna be some guaranteed action. She got 2 friends you and Marcus can choose from. One of dem is black and the other one is black mixed with Italian.

Me - You sure do know how to find some mixed chicks don't you?

Jermaine - BUTSEEIKNOWYOULIKEDEMEXOTICGIRLS! You know I always try to look out for yall and get the ones you like.

Me - Yeah...and you do a good job of it. (*cough*BULLSHIT*cough*) You remember what we discussed before right? I'm not buying hotel rooms and shit. I ain't Bank of America.

Jermaine - Well nawl, deez guls got they own pad. You ain't gotta do nothin except drive us up there. DATONEGULSAIDSHEWASGONCOOKTOO!

Me - Oh ok. Well if i'm not coming out the pocket too much, count me in. 

Jermaine - Just let Marcus know and we'll get on it Saturday.

Me - Yep. I hope we don't almost get killed this time.

Jermaine - Nawl, we should be alright this time. Stuckey man, DEMFOLKSDON'TPLAYINDAHLONEGA -HAHAHA!!

So I call Marcus and give him the rundown. He says the same thing I said.

Marcus - That sounds good and all, but can that nigga guarantee us safety?

Me - He says we should be alright. Athens is nowhere near as bad as Dahlonega, but YOU make sure you don't go around singin your Nigga Nigga song and shit. I almost shit myself.

Marcus - XD Desperate times call for desperate measures. I was wondering why the hell I had that dream (referring to his dream with him and 50 Cent killing zombies and shit). I had it so i'd know what to do when faced with deranged racists.

Me - You know what though? Now that you mention it, I had a lame ass dream kinda like that. (Guys i'm not bullshittin you on this one)

Marcus - About 50?

Me - No, Jeezy.

Marcus - XD YEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!

Me - We worked in an office. I think we were the IT department. Hooking up wireless networks and servers and shit. And I don't remember why, but we had to go hook up servers all around the city. Even in the jungle!

Marcus - Wtf? I hope our black asses don't end up in the jungle Saturday.

Me - If we do, we have the biggest simian of them all on our side...Jermaine.

So Saturday comes and it's time to go see these broads. I call Marcus to tell him i'm on the way and I go get him. Oddly enough, Jermaine hadn't called me yet. He's usually the one that wakes me up on days we have a trip planned. So I call him and his rude ass mother picks up the phone. Apparently, this nigga isn't even home. So Marcus and I go to the (old) Mall for a little while to try to hang out on Jermaine's side of town to see if he gets home soon. Before we knew it, we had been out there 2 hours and heard nothing from Jermaine. I tried him at the house again, but his mom said he was still gone. I'm guessing something came up with him or he found some chicks to pursue in Macon. So I head to drop Marcus back off at home then go back to my house and relax. I was kinda upset that Jermaine stood us up like that. I had planned on getting some good laughing done that day. I should've known not to give up on him before the day ended though. This nigga calls me around 6 o' clock in the evening.

Me - Man, what happened to you? Where you been?

Jermaine - Man, I apologize, Stuckey man. I'm up here in Athens. I came on up with one of my other homeboys.

Me - That ain't cool, bruh. You should've called and let us know something before you left.

Jermaine - I know, Stuckey. And I know you don't feel like comin out here late at night, but I need you.

Me - Why? Where's your boy at?

Jermaine - Man, that idiot left me up here.

Me - You're stranded??

Jermaine - Yeah, Stuckey. And guess what...

Me - What?

Jermaine - He stole my camera!

Me: ................................................... ......................................................... .................................................. ......................................................... .................OH SHIT! THE CAMERA?!!!

Jermaine - Yep. I know where he stay at though in Macon. I need to get out from up here and then go see about him. That's what I REALLY need you for.

Me - To get your camera back for you?

Jermaine - Yeah, you know Stuckey man I can't fight.

He wasn't lyin. His special move is biting people in the face (this was over his camera too). Remember that story by any chance? XD

Me - Man, let me call Marcus and see what he's up to. I don't wanna make that long ass road trip by myself. Is this a pay phone you're calling me from?

Jermaine - Naw, i'm still wit da guls. I'm using they phone.

Me - Ok you got somewhere to hang out at. Good. I'll call you back when i'm on the way.

I call Marcus and tell him what happened.

Marcus - Nigga got him for his MOMENTS?

Me - Yeah. Nigga got the MOMENTS.

Marcus - Let's go handle business then, bit!

So I pick him up and hit the interstate. While riding, we call Larry on speakerphone and tell him what went down. He's always up for a good laugh at Jermaine's expense. We get in Athens city limits and call to get directions to the house. We get there and Jermaine is sitting in the house with some FINE ass broads. I couldn't believe the shit. It was like twilight zone or something. And people, i'm talking about ALL 3 OF THEM. If you could've seen my facial expression, i'm sure it was priceless. Jermaine was acting pretty distant though. He's a shell of a man without his camera. I'd be jumping off the walls if I was couped up in a house with 3 bad broads, but he looked like he was lost. Soon as we got there, Jermaine was ready to go find his camera. Marcus and I tried to sit down and get to know these chicks, but Jermaine was headstrong on leaving. They did say we'd have to come up again sometime to see them and all 3 girls gave Marcus and I their numbers. We secretly agreed to go up there without Jermaine and his camera to get at them under better circumstances (it's only right since Jermaine was cockblocking us).

So we get in the car headed back to Macon. First thing we wanna know is, why did this cat take Jermaine's camera and haul ass? So I ask him and he has no problem volunteering the information. 

Here's what he told me.

Jermaine: First off, Stuckey man, I apologize for coming up here without yall. See, my homeboy...well I guess he my enemy now, have trouble gettin gulz. He's not as suave and charismatic as us three (XD). So I just wanted to take him on a lil trip wit me so he can see how it's done. 

Marcus: You should've called us and said that's what you were gonna do, but continue...

Jermaine: I apologize yall. I really truly do. But we got up here to meet with the gulz and when we met em, they was LOVELY. All of em was. But see the guy I came up wit isn't very attractive. I mean, he slightly overweight and got a lot of bad acne and stuff like dat. So when we got up here the gulz wasn't so nice to him. They had started pickin on em and stuff like dat. I guess I made the mistake of not takin up for him, but I was tryin to do my thang wit da gul I was talkin to. So me and her left so I could have sex wit her and camcord her (LOL @ Camcord...new verb). When we was finished, I came back to the livin room and my boy wasn't there. He was sittin outside in the car and he was kinda mad right? So I go outside to talk to him and he was like "GET IN THE CAR I'M READY TO GO RIGHT NOW!". So since dat was my ride I told him that I was just gonna tell the gulz we were gonna go and I sat my camera in the car before I went back in the house. Next thang you know he pulled off. He ain't been answerin the phone either. BUTIKNOWWHEREHESTAYTHOUGHSTUCKEY. So we just gon go over there...no need to be violent...and just get my camera. But if somethin do go down though, I got my four horsemen as backup.

Me: So you're tellin me, this dude got mad with you because he didn't have any juice and let some girls punk him? That ain't your fault man.

Marcus: Yeah, and why should you have to take up for a grown man?

Jermaine: I don't know, Marcus. I really jus don't know.

Me: Well, we're gonna get your shit back, but on one condition.

Jermaine: What's dat?

Me: If you're gonna go do your thing with other folks, let us know in advance. Don't just ditch us like we ain't shit then call us like we're your buddies when you need help.

Jermaine: DEAL. And like I say I apologize yall. From now on, i'm just gon go after deals wit my four horsemen.

So we're headed back to Macon when I get a call from my favorite girl.

That's right...Andrea my ex.

I tell her that i'm out of town and explain why. I also tell her what we intend to do when we get back in town.

Andrea: Sounds like you don't need to hang out with Jermaine anymore.

Me: Yeah. It sucks, but I know how much his camera means to him.

Andrea: Well don't get yourself hurt. And call me when you're done with all of that. I wanted to come over.

Me: Oh? In that case, i'll make it quick.

So we're driving along and Jermaine is giving us more details about the 3 chicks. Sounds pretty promising, but at this point i've got my head in the game. If I have to whoop this dude's ass, I will so I can get home in time to call Andrea. Due to our work schedules, I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks, only talked to her on the phone for a bit at a time. So this would be a good ending to what was pretty much a lame ass day. We get back to Macon and Jermaine gives us directions to the guy's house. His car isn't there so I suggest parking away from the house and waiting for a bit. There were some lights on in the house so we get out of the car and creep toward the house. According to Jermaine, his bedroom window was in the back so we'd try to look in and see if the guy's in hiding or something. We get around to the back yard and BINGO! He had parked his car in the back right near the house. This made it easy to get a look in the window. I silently climb up on the hood of the car and peek in since the lights were on. I wanted to laugh like hell, but didn't wanna blow the operation. At the same time I felt sorry for the dude though.

Nigga was sitting in a chair about 2 feet from the TV beating his meat to what Jermaine had just recorded. At the same time, wiping tears from his eyes.

Me: *in a whisper* Nigga in here beatin.

Marcus: Haha! -- oh shit.

I turn back to the window to see if he'd heard Marcus. He didn't. So I climb off the car and tell Jermaine to ring the doorbell while Marcus and I wait at the bottom of the porch behind the bushes. It was almost, but not quite a "jungle" scenario like the dream i'd had XD. Anyway, Jermaine rings the bell and dude comes to the door. When he opens it, Jermaine is talking to the guy like they're still best of friends.

Jermaine: What's up man? Now look, I know you upset. I understand that, but I need my camera man. I need my camera to run my bus--

Looking up from the bottom of the porch, I could see a fist come out of the door. Jermaine took one square in the jaw. That's my cue so I run through the bushes and hurry up the steps. The guy's arm is drawn back to hit Jermaine again, but I got his attention and he quickly turned his punch on me. Shit made my tooth cut the inside of my jaw a little and I could taste the blood almost instantly. That's a good thing though...

Because all I needed was a reason.

He takes another swing at me, this time leaning forward almost coming out of the house. He missed me and I grabbed him by his collar and pulled his big ass with pretty much every ounce of strength I had. He toppled over and went nipple surfing down his front steps. Marcus was standing there waiting on him and as soon as he landed Marcus started stomping him like Waluigi's assist trophy in Smash Bros. Brawl. I run down the steps yelling back to Jermaine "Go in there and get your shit! Hurry up!". I tell the dude "Stay down or i'll drag your fat ass back up the steps and send you down again." He grabs Marcus' stomping leg and tries to turn around on his back. I catch Marcus to keep him from falling over and start stomping the dude myself. After a few of those, dude says "aight! aight!" and stays still like he was told. Jermaine comes out with his camera and his footage. Marcus kicks the shit out of him one more time and we haul ass to my car. I guess the dude knew it was 3 (or 2 and 1/4) on 1 so he didn't give chase. We got in the car and hauled ass.

Me: Do you think this dude is gonna try to come to your house or something?

Jermaine: I hope not. But he can do what he want to me as long as I have my camera!

Marcus: If he does fuck with you, we'll pay him another visit.

Jermaine: Thanks fellas. Stuckey you alright? Look like he hit you pretty hard.

Me: That shit hurt like hell, but i'm good.

Marcus: I got a rush from that shit. I need some pussy!

Jermaine: Yall wanna ride back to see dem gulz in Athens?

Me: Wtf? Man hell naw. Not tonight. We'll get back up there though.

So I dropped each of them off and had Andrea meet me at my place. It was kinda late then, but she didn't care. She came over and we hung out. She ended up staying the night and just like I figured, it was a good ending to a fucked up day. Oh and about the guy we jumped...i'd later find out if was the guy from this post. Macon, Ga...i'll tell ya.

Up next, we visit Augusta, Ga. Stay tuned and thanks for reading. 


01-18-2008, 02:17 AM 
The New Hustle

So just a few days ago I told yall about my first time meeting A.J. the Crackhead. This is pretty much another tale of pecan-mania. It all started a few nights ago when Oscar was working at the K-mart down the street from me. He received an emergency call. He rushed to see who it was and what had happened:

Oscar: This is Oscar. How may--

A.J.: O! I found another motherload, O!

Oscar: Where is it?

A.J.: Where Brown & Williamson (cigarette factory) used to be!

Oscar: Oh ok...

A.J.: When you get off, O? I can come pick you up and we can go make some REAL money. I know they ain't payin you like THIS at the K-Mart!

Oscar: I have to close tonight so I won't be able to help you.

A.J.: Ok bye.

Oscar calls me after he got off the phone with A.J. and tells me what just happened. It made me curious about something.

Me: Don't they have 24 hour security and surveillance cameras at the old B&W building?

Oscar: I don't know. I didn't think they were gonna do anything with the place.

Me: Yeah they are. Pretty soon too if i'm not mistaken.

Oscar: I guess i'll call this dumbass back and tell him. I should let him go out there and get snatched up.

Me: We should go watch it. ...XD

Oscar: ...XD Shoot naw. With a case of beer.

We sat there silent for a second then busted out laughing again. We knew what time it was.

Me: When do you really get off?

Oscar: In 10 minutes. Chelsey's gonna pick me up.

Me: I'll tell you what. I'll buy a case of beer and meet you behind YKK facing B&W.

I went and bought a case of Blue Moon (been trying different beers out. this one's pretty decent) and met them over behind YKK. For those that don't know, YKK is where zippers are made. The back of their plant faces the front of B&W and gave us a perfect view of the front gate. We could see the spot out in front with all the trees where the MOTHERLOAD was. So we sat and waited.

Sure enough this crack-monger A.J. comes and parks near this warehouse. We crack some brews open laughing already. He gets his laundry basket and heads to B&W not knowing this place is manned by security. Before you know it, he's on all fours picking up pecans fast as HELL. Then the nigga had the nerve to bring a rake to rake some up.

Chelsey: Man, yall know this is an ELITE crackhead here?

Me: He's a SENSATIONAL crackhead. XD

Before too long, security starts coming towards him. This fool drops the rake and tries to walk ahead to meet them so the security guard won't walk far enough to see the evidence. By now, we're crackin up hard. 2 security guards come up to talk to A.J. and he's trying his best to keep the laundry basket and rake out of sight. Eventually, they ask him to leave and he does walk off. 

But leaves the rake and basket.

When he thinks the coast is clear, he's right back over there picking up pecans. When he gets caught again, A.J. picks up the basket, leaves the rake...and starts running across the street towards us...

I guess you can't prank a crackhead. Nigga knew we were there the whole time. He runs up and pulls on my door handle signaling for me to pop the trunk for his pecan basket. I figure what the hell. I pop the trunk and unlock the door. He throws the pecans in the back and hops in (SMELLING LIKE DICK, NAVEL, AND TACO MEAT). Keep in mind when we met out there, Chelsey and Oscar hopped in my car to drink and watch the fun. So we're all in my car. I peel off. Security doesn't really give a crap and they turn around to go back inside.

As we're heading to the Waffle House up the street (to "cool off" as A.J. put it), Chelsey asks him about this new hustle.

Chelsey: How much do you make from doin that, man?

A.J.: Shoot, I made 150 yesterday! It's easy money man.

We go to Waffle House and sit around for a while and I take them back to their cars. I went on home thinking that was that.

It wasn't.

Oscar and Chelsey ended up helping A.J. pick up pecans in another neighborhood. The 2 of them together made 10 dollars and 43 cents. That's all I gotta say.

XD 


03-08-2008, 11:54 AM 
Lookin for Love in All the Wrong Classes.

It's been a good while since I posted something, but it should please you all to know that our new mall is a week away from opening. Some of the stores are even open right now. V.E.I. will be back in full effect! Jermaine bitched his way out of Marcus's birthday festivities (not to mention Marcus gave most of his money to some broad the night before like a simp) so I was unable to secure his new film. It ain't goin anywhere though and i'll see him soon enough. But anyway, this story i'm about to tell ain't about that. It's actually about my homegirl Britney. So here goes...

You can look at the title and tell that Britney is in school. Sort of anyway. You see, she got in this big brawl with some other chicks a while back and part of her penalty was having to take an anger management class. At this time, she and I were still buddies. She had secured a job at Hollister, calmed down a LOT (no more hyper-activity at all...it's amazing what a little penis can do for some chicks), and even started hitting the gym again. So she was getting even hotter AND being more tolerable at the same time. She still wanted me to be in a committed relationship with her though. I'm sorry, I just can't do it. I think we make much better friends and i'd like to keep it that way. Which she understands, as she doesn't try to put any pressure on me at all (and still has no problem bringing me the womb). However, a while after she started that class, i'd start to hear from her a bit less often. I would eventually figure out that she had a new man. From the few times I did talk to her, she seemed pretty happy. I was pretty glad about that because I knew that I couldn't give her THAT kind of happiness and was pleased that she'd found it elsewhere. Plus around that time, I was talking to another girl who is SO RIGHT FOR ME IT'S RIDICULOUS. She's so awesome that I actually get nervous around her (something I haven't been around women since grade school). So with Britney dating someone else, this completely freed me up to pursue this new thing. So last month on Valentine's Day, while i'm sitting at the El Azteca restaurant with my new friend, Britney calls me.

Me: Hello?

Britney: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, BUDDY!

Me: Happy Valentine's Day!

Britney: Uh...it's not turning out so happy for me...

Me: Huh? Well, i'm actually having dinner with a friend so i'll call you when i'm done.

Britney: Sure! Talk to you later.

So I finish my dinner and call Britney once I get home. She tells me that she just broke up with her man and some of the reasons why:

1) He didn't like her style. Britney has a distinct style of dress. You could call it "punk rock" I guess, but it's nothing outrageous. A toned down "punk rock" if you will.

2) He didn't get along with the parents. Her mom didn't like his attitude and her dad thought he looked like a squirrel. He had this thing for picking on Britney's little sister too.

3) He HATES me. And I had never even met the dude. Apparently, Britney thought enough of our friendship to bring me up on a regular basis. Which made this dude very jealous. In fact, when he would pick on Britney's sister, she would always comeback with a fun fact about me. Example:

Him: Hey you scrawny little blah blah blah!
Her: I rode in Jonathan's car once. It's brand new, has heated seats, and doesn't smell like ass!
Him: SEE WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTA BRING HIM UP!! >:(

So I guess these things were enough for Britney to call it quits with him. So I ask where she met this guy at. Turns out they met in the anger-management class she was taking. He would ask her out daily and one time even brought her a teddy bear in front of everyone in the class. So she gave him a chance based on that. So of course I tell her she did the right thing breaking it off with him etc. etc. She wants to come over to see me. I don't see any harm in that, so I leave to go pick her up. When I get there, I text her that i'm out in the parking lot like I always do. She sends me a text back that says.

"Can't come out. Josh is outside. Blue car."

I look out of my window and sure enough a royal blue Chevy is parked on the opposite side of the parking lot, engine running with the lights on. Apparently, he had just come over unannounced, but Britney's sister lied and said she wasn't home. So this ass-hat decides to wait in the parking lot till she got back from where she went. I get out of the car and walk over to the Chevy. I tap on the glass.

Josh: Yeah?

Me: You're Josh right?

Josh: *confused look* Yo, I know you?

Me: Yeah, actually. I'm Jonathan. 

Josh: I KNEW SHE--

Me: So what the fuck are you doing hanging out in the parking lot?

Josh: Look man, that's my girl now. She don't want you no more.

Me: Then why are you sitting out here in the cold looking stupid while i'm about to bring her to my place? I want you to understand something. Hanging out out here stalking this girl makes me think you're crazy. *leans in his window* I bet you i'm crazier.

Josh: ...XD Man, obviously she ain't told you about me. Nigga i'll fuck you up!

Me: Let's get this over with so I can go on about my business.

I step aside so he can get out of his car, but he doesn't. He just sits there looking irritated.

Me: Ok, so you've made your mind up then. You don't want to fight out here, but that's exactly what we're gonna do if you're still here when I bring Britney outside. So since you don't want that, i'd advise you to leave.

Josh: She ain't goin nowhere with you! Once mine always mine!

I turn to go to her apartment. When she comes to the door, I tell her that i'll escort her out and Josh isn't gonna do anything about it. She comes outside acting all timid.

Britney: You're gonna get me in trouble...

Me: How?

Britney: He's abusive.

Me: WHAT?! (I echoed in the breezeway of the apartment building)

Britney: Shhh!!

Me: He hit you?!

Britney: .....

All I needed to hear. I took off back to the parking lot, but he had left already. And it was a good thing he did. I'm pretty good at minding my business, but no one is gonna hit any female friend of mine without paying for it. So I brought Britney over and we hung out for a while. She told me more about this dude. She even told me where he works. He washes and details cars at a dealership down the street. So I made sure she got in her apartment safely when I brought her back and found myself worrying about Britney's safety. I kept thinking what if he came back another night and forced his way in the apartment or caught her coming out to go to work or something? I started thinking that I might have made things worse by getting him riled up. I called Britney and told her she should consider getting a restraining order. She tells me that he's harmless now and that she can handle him...

Later that week, he came over while she was the only one there and raped her. Yeah...needless to say I was filled with rage. Marcus called when I was on the way to Josh's job.

Me: Can't talk right now. Got some ass to whoop.

Marcus: What? Who?

Me: *I fill him in*

Marcus: Dude, listen to me. I know you can handle this on your own, but don't go by yourself.

Me: Man I--

Marcus: DUDE, don't go by yourself. Come by here first.

So I stop to get Marcus, then I go down the street to get Larry. And we all head up to the dealership. I park at the Longhorn Steakhouse right next door to it and unscrew my license plate from the back of my car and replace it with the one from my Civic I used to have.

Larry: Man, what the fuck are you doing?

Me: I expect cops to show up here. I don't need anybody reading my license plate when we leave.

Larry: Oh shit...

I walk over to the dealership and go straight back to the service department. I spot Josh washing a Hyundai up near the front of the garage. I snatch the water hose from him and he turns around looking stunned. I aim the water at his dick and say my peace.

Me: I tried to warn you. You aren't crazy enough, Josh...

He gets ready to lunge at me, but notices Marcus and Larry. Larry's actually laughing at the guy.

Me: I heard about what you did. Before the day is over, there will be a restraining order against you.

Another employee starts running over calling to Josh.

Me: I'd advise you stay out of this *still aiming the hose at Josh* The restraining order will require you keep your distance from Britney's apartment complex, but you should know one thing. The restraining order has nothing to do with the police. If I hear that you've been over there again through Britney or the police, i'm gonna come see you again. I know exactly where you live...and you won't make it to jail. Do you understand?

Josh nods. I drop the hose and walk off. I had pretty much decided not to hit him because I had my friends with me and did not want them to get arrested or anything like that. If I would've went alone, I would've fucked him up guaranteed. Since then, the restraining order has been placed and all Josh can do is text Britney over and over. That is until a few days ago when she changed her number. 



03-15-2008, 11:17 PM 
Am I Wrong?

Yesterday, I was supposed to be going up to Atlanta for Final Round. I wasn't intending on being in any tournaments. I just wanted to go up and play Brawl with some old college friends that would be up there. This of course got ruined by me catching some overtime at work that I couldn't get out of. So I worked Friday night and Saturday, intended on going out with Marcus and his brother Baron instead. So Saturday afternoon, i'm out and about doing random stuff, shopping, getting a haircut, etc. Baron calls me and says he'd like to go to a bar later on. This is cool with me. So a few hours later, I go pick Marcus up (his car is fucked up right now) and we go meet Baron at this bar. We get some food and have a few drinks. While we're there, Baron gets a call from a chick. Apparently, it's one of the girls that used to dance at the club we go to sometimes. She and a few of her friends wanted to go out, but they were broke. Basically they wanted to mooch off of us. We of course were not gonna let that happen. Baron however did want to stop by and see them. They live in Tyndall Heights though. Of course I don't expect yall to know what that is. Let's just say Tyndall Heights is in the HEART of the ghetto. It's the oldest public housing facility in Macon and it's usually not a good idea to go hanging around there at night. It was about 10 o clock then.

We agreed to follow Baron over there. When we got there, I did recognize the girl from the club. We sat around in that roach-infested apartment for a while until the girls decided what they wanted to do. They wanted to go to the club on the bad side of town. Marcus, Baron, and I all disagreed so we went our own way. Marcus suggests we go to Rockabilly's but Baron isn't feeling the idea. He wants to go to the strip club. So we say ok whatever. We get there...

And they're having a male review. I had never heard of a male review until tonight. Basically, there was male strippers there. Of course that didn't fly with us, but the bouncer told us that the male strippers would be out of there by 12:30. At this time it was 11:30, so we went to my apartment and Marcus and I played Smash Bros. for a while while Baron sat on the couch and complained. Eventually 12:30 rolls around and we get up and go back down to the club. Marcus has no money so I pay my way and his and Baron comes in behind us. Baron doesn't have to pay since he comes there so much. We get inside and it's THEN that the bouncer decides to tell us "there's one more guy on stage. after that everything will go back to normal". the thing about this particular club though, is that the sports bar element and the strip club element are COMPLETELY separated. There's a long hallway that divides the room with the bar, pool tables, and tvs from the room with the stage and dancers and such. Keeping this in mind, we decide to stay away from the stage and stuff and just stay out in the front shooting pool until this last guy leaves. Before I can get change for the pool table though, Baron says he's getting ready to leave.

Me: You leaving?

Baron: Yeah, this place is closing at 2:30

Me: That's 2 hours from now. They said the last guy is almost finished.

Baron: Yeah, but it ain't enough time.

Me: Dude, you didn't even have to pay to get in. You just gonna bail on us like that after we've done all the stuff you wanted to do?

He pretty much didn't even give a response worth a shit. He turned around and walked out. Since Marcus lives on Baron's way home, Marcus goes ahead and hops in with him and they leave. I call Baron at this point and curse him out. Now, I vow to never EVER hang out with him again. So to review:

We went out to eat because BARON wanted to do it...

We went to the projects to hang out with his friend because BARON wanted to do it...

We went to the strip club because BARON wanted to do it...

We went BACK to the strip club when we were having a perfectly good time with Smash Bros. because BARON wanted to do it...

THEN when we fucking get there, he turns around and walks back out. I typed all of that story just to ask this: am I wrong for being pissed beyond all pisstivity? 



03-18-2008, 12:01 PM 
LIVE From the Nursing Home.

I might not make it to the other side with some of yall. My behavior hasn't been the best lately so I might be going to hell in STYLE when my time comes. Well, maybe not, but i'm sure playing pranks in the old folks home counts against me. Who do I know in the old folks home you ask? Britney's dad. You see, her parents have always liked me. As far as they're concerned i'm the ideal man for their daughter (...XD) and they're some pretty cool people. Shortly after I met Britney though, her parents separated. Although I never saw it, her dad was pretty rude, verbally abusive, and would actually "check" Britney out and make lewd comments to her when they were all living in the same house. Eventually Britney's mom got tired of it and moved her and her 2 daughters across town into an apartment. From there, things got pretty bad for the Dad. Like any of us would, he started to miss his family and expressed a lot of remorse for what he did.

So he'd start coming around and trying to get them to come back home. He'd take them out to eat. Always gave them nice compliments. Telling them how much he missed having them around. Even tried to lure them back with the chihuahuas they left behind at the house (because they couldn't have them in the apartment). None of this worked of course and Dad sunk into a bit of depression. His health started going downhill and the house they all used to live in looked like a crackhouse or something. Smelly, dirty, just all around unpleasant. One night, Dad starts feeling sick, so he calls for an ambulance and warns them that the pain is so bad he might kill himself. He did this in an attempt to get them to hurry to him, which they did. He stays in the hospital for about 3 weeks where he finds out he has cancer. At first they gave him a month to live. There was surgery they could perform that would give him an estimated few years, but the operation was very dangerous. A 50% chance he could die instantly. So they went with the other option. Chemotherapy would keep him here for at least a year. But he would have to remain under their care. So the family decided to go with this and put him in a nursing home.

Things have gotten really interesting since he's been there. It seems like every day he's in there raising hell. Not in anger though. Kinda like delirium is setting in. He's very mischievous. Britney's calling me all the time with crazy stuff he's done. Mostly it's just going around and showing his wang to everybody, but one night recently he broke in the kitchen in the middle of the night BARRICADED himself inside...and started frying pork chops. Some nurses tried to get him to come out of the kitchen, but he refused to stop cooking. They ended up having to call the cops to break into the kitchen and pull him out. By the time the cops got there though, he had cooked himself a whole meal and ate pretty good. So the other day, I get a call from Britney saying that she's gonna go visit him. I hadn't seen him in a while, so I ask can I come along too. 

As I was getting dressed to go, I had to take a really bad shit. I don't know why in the WORLD I did this, but for some strange reason I took my phone in the bathroom with me, put the receiver near my ass and recorded my diarrhea. It ended up being 3 clips. I'd end a clip after every "explosion". You could even hear me laughing my ass off (literally) in the background. I'll review the clips...

Clip #1 - The initial explosion. The first volley of turds was pretty loud and echoed in the toilet bowl. This clip ends up being pretty underwhelming due to the fact that it's more peeing than anything. 6/10

Clip #2 - The shortest clip of the 3, not very exciting plus I laughed way too much. 3/10

Clip #3 - This is when the motherload came. It starts off with an EXTREMELY loud burst of stink bombs followed by a bit of aftershock 3 seconds later. I kept the laughing to a minimum and by then, I had crapped so much that there wasn't so much echo. 9/10

So I got done, finished getting ready, and picked Britney up so we could go to the nursing home. On the way, I handed her my phone and told her to listen to the clips.

Britney: What the hell is this?

Me: XD You can't tell?

Britney: Wait...are you farting? Is that you?

Me: XDDDDDDD

Britney: *listens to more* Wait...ARE YOU TAKING A SHIT?!

Me: Yep...full-fledged...

Britney: Why am I listening to this? XD

Me: I'm gonna play it around some old folks and make them think they shit themselves...SHHHHHHH!

Britney: XD This, I gotta see.

So we get to the nursing home and RIGHT when we walk in, the first thing I see is her dad's wang. He's standing up in his seat flashing everyone. Most of the old folks weren't even facing him and could care less. A few of the nurses were fussing at him, and the younger nurses were laughing and shaking their heads. I of course laughed which made Britney start laughing. When her dad saw us, he settled down. We went over and spoke to him. He told us that he planned on making more pork chops later that night and that we should come back and eat with him. He'd give us the food out of the back window.

Me: Sir, now you know I don't eat pork. But thanks though XD

Britney: Dad, you need to stay put at night. They're gonna kick you out of here if you keep it up. They're trying to take care of you.

Dad: I BE HUNGRY! Hey, what ever happened to that squirrel lookin boy?

Britney: You mean Josh?

Me: ...XD

Dad: Yeah! That's him! He looks like a squirrel! You finally got the good sense to get rid of him?

Britney: Yeah. I took out a restraining order on him.

Dad: GOOD! GOOD! So how've you been doin, Jonathan?

Me: No complaints. Glad to see you're in a good mood sir. I'd imagine you get tired of this place.

Dad: Naw. Because when I do, I just mess with the nurses!

Me: ...XD I noticed. Hey, let me let you hear something.

Britney: XD Oh lord!

I played the audio for him and told him what I planned to do. He agreed to help me by yelling to the nurse something stunk after I did it. I still don't know what made me record this stuff in the first place, but I had to put it to good use some kinda way. I cue'd up clip #3, put the phone on my belt clip and walked behind one of the guys. He started looking around a little, then down at his crotch. Britney's dad starts yelling "CLEANUP ON ISLE 2! CLEANUP ON 2! BOY THAT SHO' STANK!!" to which I had to exit the nursing home entirely to laugh. When I came back in, this nurse that wasn't bad lookin at all was wheeling the man away I guess to check him. I gave the guy a thumbs up and he waved at me.

Me: He might be getting a little action.

Dad: I'ma show her my thang! Get me some action too!

Everything was pretty tame after that. Later on that night Chelsey, Oscar, and myself ended up in the Waffle House with my doo-doo clips. That's a story for another time though. Thanks for reading. 



04-12-2008, 02:44 PM 
Macon, Ga is Wack.

Powder

So last night I was supposed to go hang out somewhere with Marcus, but yet again he lets these girls he works with get him riled up with all their drama. Something told him it would be a good idea to develop a sexual relationship with Shanita (from the story about Marcus's car), Octavia (from Kitchen Pride Party), and Beth (who i've yet to tell you about, but will in this series). They ALL work at the sporting goods store with him RIGHT NOW. He claims he started hittin Beth (who's the only white one) after she had left the store. It just so happens she came back and got her job back there when she heard Marcus was hittin some other girls out there (Beth and Shanita happen to be pretty good friends). Anyway, this is another story for another time. I said all that to say this...

Since my plans got cancelled due to that, I had to make some new ones. I try to call Chelsey to see what he's doing. He can get texts but can't respond to them because his phone bill ain't caught up. He IMs me and says he and Oscar would come through a little later on. So the new plans were, get some beers, get Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox story on blu-ray, get drunk and watch it, then meet Xavier (yall should remember him) down at this bar called Coaster's. Everything goes exactly how it's supposed to. We end up at Coaster's gettin SCHOOLED by X in pool (I was the only one that got all my balls off the table before he sank the 8-ball). When the bar closed, we stood out in the front and talked about some back in the day shit (and yall know I got a lot of shit to talk about when it comes to that). Picture 4 drunk niggas catchin up on old times and every one of them have as many stories as ME to tell. Of course some are connected too. One instance was Powder.
Chapter 1: Xavier Gets Powder'd

Powder is the type of guy that makes a whole lot of noise. Picture a chubby, light-skinned, freckle-faced Smokey from Friday. With no friends. Except Tim (the Snitch...story on him later). No one gives him the time of day, but he manages to pull some women. One of the ones he pulled last year that got him in a little trouble was Xavier's baby's mother. Another thing I should mention about Powder is that he curses like a PLATINUM sailor. He curses for absolutely no reason ALL the time. Now if you were in Xavier's situation, with this man seeing the mother of your child, you're gonna be very concerned about one thing in particular. His foul language being used around your kid. Right? So Xavier gets Powder's number from Tim (the Snitch) and sends him a text basically saying "This is Xavier Jr.'s father. I don't have any problem with you seeing my ex, but I don't want you around my child. You curse too much."

Respectable right?

Powder's ignorant ass sends him a text back talking cash money shit. X being the diplomat he is, is still respectable "I don't care about all the trash talk because this is text messaging. I don't want you around my kid. This is my final warning." He responds with shit talk still. Now, one thing about Powder, he's easy as HELL to find around here. All you need to do is make your way to Rockabilly's on Saturday night. X responds "Ok. I know where you'll be Saturday. I'm coming to the Rock. I'm gonna walk up to you and not say anything. Do what you say you're gonna do to me then." Saturday comes and I just so happened to be out there. Xavier went up on the stage and stood in the center of it that whole night. Seriously. He wasn't there to drink or party at all. He stood on the stage to get a clear view of the front door. He waited there for Powder to show up.

He didn't.

So the next Saturday night Xavier sets him up using Tim (the Snitch). Tim (the Snitch) calls X to ask if he's going that night. Xavier says no he won't make it, he has his son with him, he got off work late, etc. So Tim (the Snitch) tells Powder that X won't be there. Tim (the Snitch) and Powder head to the Rock. A little while after they got there (I just happened to be there too), X shows up.

Bullseye.

Powder takes off to the stage. Xavier follows him on some Michael Myers shit. X ends up catching him near the side of the stage and Powder immediately starts back-pedaling on the shit he was talking. The funny thing is, somewhere in that 2 week period, X's baby's mother gave Powder the boot (apparently, he has a very small penis and nutted before he even got in the pussy). So Powder had gotten himself in this pickle over a girl he couldn't even keep for more than 2 weeks. Of course I know this information because X said all this to Powder's face at the club and a bunch of us heard it. Powder doesn't defend himself. So we think that's it for his embarrassment. 

Of course it wasn't.

Powder is upset, understandably, at this point and starts to drink a good bit. Even Tim (the Snitch) wasn't hanging out with him that night. So Tim (the Snitch) ends up being too drunk to drive and Powder too. Tim (the Snitch) gave X the keys to his 2-door Trailblazer and asks X can he drive him home. X takes the keys and they start to leave. Powder runs up on Tim (the Snitch).

Powder: Yo Tim (the Snitch), man can you give me a ride home?

Tim (the Snitch): Man, you gotta ask X. He's driving.

Xavier looks at him anxiously awaiting Powder to say something.

Powder: Man, would you give me a ride home?

Xavier (grinning): You have to ask Tim (the Snitch). It's his truck.

Powder: Tim (the Snitch) man, can I get a ride?

Tim (the Snitch): It's up to X.

Xavier: Tell you what, get in the back.

Powder opens the passenger side door and lets the front seat down so he can climb in.

Xavier: No. Get in the BACK. Let that hatch up and get your ass in the back.

I'm standing in the front of Rockabilly's with Rodriguez watching this shit.

Me: I kinda feel bad for that dude.

Rodriguez: Don't feel bad for that nigga. His mouth probably got him in trouble again.

So Powder climbs in the back with the spare tire and a bunch of Tim (the Snitch's) old shoes and sits there. X takes off out of the parking lot and I could tell he was gonna make that one bumpy ass ride. They get to Powder's apartment complex. Powder's apartment is on the left. X takes a right, goes to the top of the hill, and tells Powder to get out. He gets out and starts walking toward his apartment. X rides behind him honking the horn at him at 3 in the morning. This of course woke some people up. They're looking out of their windows watching Powder walk home with his head down. We all hate Powder, so we love that story. I've included a picture of the simp i'm referring to. 

Powder part 2: Oscar Gets Powder'd

This is the most recent event of the Powder saga and this time it's Oscar that he pisses off. You see, Oscar is a pretty laid-back, reserved guy. He's not the type at all to walk up to a girl and just start up a conversation. The ladies that he deals with come to him. Not too long ago, a chick hit him up on Myspace. She's serious damn business too. Fine as fuck, 26 years old, and a Physician's Assistant up in Atlanta. She lives in a 5 bedroom house by herself, has a lawyer for a dad (as if being a PA didn't make her rich enough), a VIRGIN, and the first thing she did when she made her myspace account, was send Oscar a friend request. So when she hits him up, I just happen to be sitting at my computer doing something else when Oscar IMs me. Telling me that this fine-ass chick just randomly started giving him play. Now me, I don't do so well with internet chicks (yall already know that story) so all I told him was, "it sounds good (and it DAMN sure looks good), but make sure she's the real thing before you go falling head over heels." I then told him the story about Santedra which he got a kick out of. He said he'd definitely take my advice and keep me posted on how things were going.

They exchange numbers and she calls him later that night. I'm sitting my lame ass up at 2 in the morning playing Condemned 2 on Xbox 360 (not a bad game...). He calls me, knowing that i'd be up, to tell me he had just got off the phone with her and she seems really cool. He tells me all about her and he seems pretty excited over this chick. Remember, he isn't really the open type so he doesn't have a LOT of women in his stable. So i'm happy for the dude. Seems like he lucked up here. And for the next few days, he had nothing but good things to say about her. Then Myspace happened.

The thing I hate about Myspace is that it seems like it's full of posers. It's called Myspace implying that everyone has their own "personal" space on there and when you go to someone's page, you're supposed to learn more about them. The only thing you typically learn on Myspace about a person, is they're just like the last 10 people who's page you just visited. Everybody types in slang (i.e. "WHAT IT DO FOLK! DIS YA BOY CRAIG! I'M A REAL ASS NIGGA yada yada yada..."), they all have "haters" (i.e. "I WANNA GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY HATERZ! KEEP HATIN WHILE I KEEP GETTIN MONEY BITCHES!!!!!"), and they all have 200 friends that they don't even associate with. Oscar and I predicted that a girl that fine would end up with a whole bunch of friends on her page throwing the typical internet game at her (i.e. "GUL U SO FYNE I'LL DRANK UR BATHWATER! LOLZ!!!). It didn't take too long for this to happen. Before long, she had a whole gang of friends and they were all men. This kinda discouraged Oscar. I didn't get discouraged until he pointed out one friend in particular to me.

Oscar: She got that one dude on her page that works at the Rock.

Me: Which one?

Oscar: The light-skin dude with freckles.

Me: Oh lord...

Oscar: The nigga that carries the camera around. What's his name again?

Me: Motherfuckin Powder.

Oscar: Yeah! Him!

I might've failed to mention in the last segment that Powder is Rockabilly's official simp. He does whatever they ask of him (without pay) just to stay in everybody's good graces...you know, because nobody likes him. So they commissioned him with going around the club every Saturday with a camcorder filming people so they could take the footage and make montages and commercials and such. Anyway, that's how most people know him around here. When Oscar told me that he was on this chick's page, I figured Powder was pourin the sauce on this bitch. Throwing all the Myspace game he had at her. So Oscar and I decided to put a plan in motion to see where this chick's head is at. You see, not too long after Powder made his way on her page, she started doing my boy wrong. She would say she'd call Oscar, then never would. She sorta put him on the backburner. So Oscar wanted to see how interested she really was in him.

The plan was this. Oscar would take me off his friend list so the chick wouldn't know we were friends. I'd send a friend request to this girl, and when she accepted, try to put some moves on her to see if she'd go along with it, or express her feelings for a certain other guy she was talking to (Oscar). So we did this and I start talking to her. It's pretty innocent at first. I joked around with her a lot which she seemed to respond pretty well to. Eventually she gave me her number and I called her. The whole while keeping Oscar posted on what's going on. One night I call her and she's pretty upset.

Me: Who shit in your corn flakes?

Kamorie: Man, this nigga from YOUR hometown came up here to see me right?

Me: Yeah?

Kamorie: You might know him.

Me: *mumbles* Don't say Powder...

Kamorie: You do know him.

Me: Fuck. So what happened?

Kamorie: He comes all the way up here to Atlanta, then calls me wanting directions to my house.

Me: Uh huh.

Kamorie: And i'm like "Dude, I don't even know you like that yet" and he tells me he brought me a gift and all that. I tell him I can meet him somewhere. So we met at a restaurant and had lunch or whatever...

Me: Right...

Kamorie: So when we were done, I told him thanks for dinner and my gift (some flowers) and that I needed to get home to get ready for this night class I have. Do you know this guy followed me home?

Me: Whoa...did you call the cops on him?

Kamorie: I told him I would if he didn't get away from me. He was acting like I owed him something for dinner and some flowers. So we were sittin outside fussin for a minute and he finally left.

Me: That's pretty fucked up. Be on the lookout for that dude. He's pretty crazy when it comes to girls.

Kamorie: So you really know a lot about that guy?

Me: Sure do. I'll tell you a little story if you got a minute.

I told her the story that i'm gonna tell yall shortly. Spooked her pretty bad. That's yet another person that doesn't like Powder. I told Oscar what went down and he was pretty pissed about it. I'd hate to be Powder when Oscar comes across him. Oscar's a big dude. Right now, Oscar and this chick are back on good terms. She still doesn't call when she says she will though. The outcome of this remains to be seen. 

Powder Part 3: Stuckey Gets Powder'd

The oldest of the incidents. I actually can't believe I haven't told yall this one before, but it's not that long. So I have this friend named Kameesha. I met Kameesha at a Battle of the Bands thing that we have once a year in Macon. All the local colleges and some from Atlanta come to compete in a Marching Band competition. It's pretty popular around here. Especially after Drumline came out and made a spectacle out of Georgia's Marching Band scene. Anyway, it wasn't so much her looks (she's pretty hot), but her personality that made me like talking to her a lot. We've never screwed before or anything, we just always been cool with one another. Some kinda way she meets Powder and they start talking. At this point, I don't even know the dude. Matter of fact, when she first started messing with him, she didn't even tell me about it. That is, until something went wrong. Which resulted in Powder wearing a serious ass-whoopin. 

So one night I call Kameesha and she's upset (just like Kamorie was). I ask her what's wrong and she tells me that she met this guy and something bad happened when he'd come over to visit her that night. It goes like this.

Meesha: So this dude comes over here and we're sittin on the couch watchin tv and stuff. My aunt (who she lived with at the time) was gone so it was just us in the house. Anyway, he starts tryin me like "come on lets go back here in your room" and i'm like "naw, chill out. i'm not that kinda girl". He keeps on and on until he's pretty much beggin me to let him get some. I keep on sayin no. So then he starts askin me "well can I just eat your pussy?" and again i'm like "naw because you gonna get somethin started and i'm not tryin to go there with you". But he keeps on and on. So I tell him he can do it for a little while. So he gets down on the floor in front of me and starts eatin me out on the couch right? He didn't really know what he was doin. I don't even think he knew where my clit was, but you know what this nigga did? He starts askin me "you still don't wanna give me some pussy?" and i'm still sayin no. So he gets mad and BITES down on my clit (guess he did know where it was ...XD). I start screamin and hittin him in his face tryin to make him let go, but he won't. And while he's bitin me he's still askin am I gonna give him some. So I grab the lamp off the nightstand and bust it over his head. It didn't really hurt him, but he let go long enough for me to get up and run for the door. I open the door by the time he gets to me and I just start screamin (one of her cousins lived next door). And he got up and pulled me back to the couch. Now he's askin me am I ok talkin about he was just playin. I tell him he better leave before my cousin comes over here. So he just says "fuck you ho" and walks out. But my cousin caught him and kicked his ass in my front yard. That made me feel a little better, but my pussy still hurtin ;_;

Needless to say that shocked the shit outta me. I hadn't even met Powder, but knew I hated him. It took a while for me to meet him. And it was at Rockabilly's. After the club was letting out, Powder was standing right outside the doors drunk as hell. Yelling to all the guys that were leaving "YALL FINNA GO HOME AND JACK OFF TONIGHT! HAHA! YALL FINNA GO HOME AND BEAT YALL MOTHAFUCKIN NUTS! HAHAHAHAHA!" I kept walking, but yelled back to him "AND YOU "FINNA" GO BITE ANOTHER CLIT AND GET YOUR ASS BEAT! HAHA!" I didn't hear him yelling anymore.