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Submitted by cummy on August 8, 2021

What if Minecraft had a Sexual Update?
Now listen, this may seem like another average “add sex” post, but it’s not. This post suggests sex, yes, but it also adds features that would kinda benefit that game.

Here we go!

Section 1: New Slots!
Under the torso slot, there are now two slots side by side. These are the Crouch Slot and the Butthole Slot.

By default, you are a female (this is actually relevant to real life!). In order to change that, do the new gamerule /genderfemale false. This will make you a male! In order to go back, do the same gamerule but replace false with true.

If you are a male, the Crouch Slot gets automatically filled with a new item called cock. If you’re a female, the slot stays empty. Also you cannot remove the cock unless you do the gamerule.

The cock allows you to give sex, while not having one (aka empty slot) allows you to receive sex.

Section 2: Sex, Effects, and Moans
Now we’re getting into the juicy shit! Let’s tackle the 3 different categories in this section. The Effects, The Masturbating, and The Sex.

The Masturbating: Girls are able to place items in the vagina slot. This includes EVERY item, as everything’s a dildo if your brave enough.

The same applies to the butthole, except this can be done as both male and female. But that seems kinda stupid right? Every item up the ass? Fear not, your horny fucks, we have thought of that!

The Buttplug is a new item can can be put in the butthole slot. “This just makes sense,” one of our developers have stated. “It is realistic! So it’s fitting!” It can be crafted with 3 leather in a vertical line on the middle.

The Buttplug can be put in a smithing table with netherite to create a netherite Buttplug. This would increase the chance of getting horny by 25%!

The Effects: Effects are given during masturbation and after sex. There are 2, horny and labor.

Horny has a 25% chance to be given to females during masturbating. The chances increase if they are using the buttplug. Horny also has a 50% chance to be given to males when looking at females.

Labor is given to females after sex if a condom wasn’t used. This effects lasts for 3 - 5 days and only goes away once a child is born.

The Sex: If a male player and a female player agree, they can engage in sex. They must be near 2 beds for this to work.

The male player can put on condoms to prevent babies, but it’s only has a 75% chance to work. At least they’re edible?

Section 4: Buckets and Bottles
If a bucket is used on a male player, the buckets turns into a Bucket of Cum. If a bottle is used on a female player, the bottles turns into a Bottle of Breast Milk.

The Bucket of Cum can’t be placed, but it can be drank to get the Horny effect by both male and female.

The Bottle of Breast Milk can be given to villagers to make them more likely to breed. So kinda like a boost!

Used Condoms (what you get after using a condom after sex) can be used as a potion ingredient to make Potion of Cum. After that, Sugar can be added to create a Potion of Horny

A potion of cum can be used on a single villager to make them have a baby. Very efficient for creating a villager breeding with only 1 villager!

The potion can also be turned into a splash potion which can be thrown to make blocks cover with white liquid. The liquid is sticky, slowing any mob or player down when walking on it.

The potion of horny just gives you the horny effect but WAY stronger. Imagine it like Horny II!

Extra Items (oh god)
Ender Pearl Beads - these can be put in the butthole slot as a tail item, used for vanity. Only enderman farmers have the power to create these, as they have a 2.5% chance for endermen to drop it.

Fox Tail - Foxes now can drop their tail when killed. Trust me I’m going somewhere with this

Furry Tail - crafted by combining the Buttplug and the fox tail. Used for Vanity. Considered a free UWU pass by developers.

That was the Sex update! If you have any suggestions, please let me know down in the comments! I’ll be sure to consider adding some!